The evening world. Newspaper, April 6, 1903, Page 8

fell by the Press Publishing Company, No. 6 to © “Row, New York. Entered at the Post-OMce ‘et New York as Second-Class Mall Matter. IME 43.. a NO. 15,208. _ UNDIGESTED séecuRITIES. is grumbling among the etockholders of the Tee Company, the “Ice Trust,” at the poor x made by the company’s latest balance sheet. The fs complaint among investors who bought at Bo ees the stock of the United States Shipbuilding ny, otherwise the “Shipyard Trust,” now celling ‘There is & feverish unrest-among those who are up with International Mercantile Marine shares, Trust” certificates, now selling at 12%. » ‘Afe these expressions of discontent to be set down @ymptomic disturbances showing the presence of idigested securities’ —pathological indications of col- 'Y pangs in the public digestive tract resulting from y swallowing, if we aro to carry out Mr. Mor- Motaphor, of an unbaked and fermenting lot of it securities? ‘What an amount of deleterious diet of this sort has ‘offered'to investors in the so-called industrial se- Loa, abe! ‘There /are tho shares of Mr. Morgan's favorite Steel ist, @ capacious stomachful, $550,000,000 in common ek alone hy its par value estimate, and worth in the tet fomday $198,000,000. ) Leather Trust, par value $64,000,000; ‘the Stock Exchange, $8,000,000. the American Woolen Company, paper value 000,000 actual, $4,000,000, And merican Ice Company, shrunk from a face 0f $22,000,000 to a market value of $1,760,000; ternational Paper Company, $17,000,000 to $3,000,- the Lead Trust, $14,000,000 to $3,500,000; the Re- ibli¢ Iron and Steel Company, $27,000,000 to $5,400,000; Rubber Trust, $16,900,000 to $3,500,000. Add to th the Bicycle Trust, $17,000,000, now refused by the credulous investor, and continue the list, with the of mnfiy further additions, as fer as your pa- lasts in IodKing up the quotations. netructive and informing list it is of “undigested ” the Mike of which in investor-deluding possi- no other nation has ever had offered it, nor thts ‘before the days of High Finance. England has aa her “Keffirs,” France her “Panamas” and all na- their wildcat securities; but it has remained for to produce the choicest assortment on record LEGISLATORS AND BRIBES- re being some circumstantial evidence and a very ene suspicion of bribery In the Missouri Legislature, )@he Grand Jury at Jefforson City has begun an inyestiga- that promises to be rigid and thorough. New York we order things differently. The ‘having surmised that certain members of the ly had boen approached with offers of money to e® their votes on the Hxcise bill, proceeded to ap- “@isciplinary measures to the suspected membere ch: {iitiented ‘to them the tnexpeiency of becoming | t any transaction out of which charges of might arise. . § was an exercise of Gubernatoria! authority as ng as it was unusual. But why is the matter red'to end there? If there wen§ indications of at- led) bribery, why was not the clue followed up? ts LONG-LIVED MERCHANTS. saw the death of many old-time New York en its—John Daniell, Hugh O'Neill, Peter Hoe, Tit- y, Salem H. Wales, Charles Broadway Rouss. The ality continues with the demise of James McCreery Joseph Parke within a fortnight. ‘As mercantile life goes now, a business man of sixty not so good an insurance risk as a sea captain and ly a better one than a soldier, s0 strenuous is com- on and so vast and varied are the responsibilities the executive control of large merchandising inter- 7 Too trequently the apoplectic stroke or the -sottening ‘ot the brain tissues or the nervous collapse | Prevents the attainment of the three-score at which of ithe ‘best, periods of lite should but be beginning, 4s hard work alone responsible for the earlier down? Most of these old-timers were notable for the fact ‘they lived on to a green old age—active, robust and arty old fellows of whom it could not be said that ‘were veterans lagging superfiuous on the stage. , for example, lived to be seventy-elght; Daniell one, Parke eighty, Hoe eighty-one, Wales sev- en, Tiffany ninety. 1) -Ohe Js led to wonder whether an inherited sturdiness “ot physique had most to do with their length of years OP) whether’ the main contributing cause should be eforiin their simplicity of life, following the early of frugality. ‘They began their business careers humble way, as office boys or minor olerks; they id.as hard and as long and with probably as many 28 assuil merchants now busy amassing for- es. But when prosperity arrived they maintained | e¥en' tenor of temperance that safeguards the physt- méhtal health and conduces to longeyity, © getentatious expenditure for them, no automobiles d4breaking races across Jersey, no equine din- Bo search for excitement in its freak forms, but a and dignified existence in the lelsured elegance reat wealth, enjoy riches rationally and to retain a sound mind found body a score of years after the pleasure- millionaire is dead—is not that to have got at out of life which the sensation-hungry rich Gog, not reallas? _THEATRE-CROWD CHARITY. ‘the tundreds of thousands of theatre-goers who seen “A Message from Mars,” how many left the rt Spiritually exalted by the artfully conveyed Mnselfishness 16 & Bure source of happiness @onsideration of others one of the most re- We of investments? How frequently at the end Eden the audience leaves with a feeling of ition at some mimic triumph of good at 900, if the house was full this represents less than a] 460990000008 THE SCRAPPIE SISTERS COME TO GRIEF AS USUAL. tenth of @ cent per person, It was mot much, but it might, of course, have been less, An AntlMashe: joolety—The upper west side has vigilance committee of one hundred to protect the com munity from the encroachment of street-car corporations, |. end @ pian Is on foot in Brooklyn to band one hundred men together in an anti-mashers’ unton. It is an ex patient ea, as also Im that of the vigilance committee, But the fact that they should de found necessary in our advanced state of olviMmatton indicates that the advance Bas not been made along the most desirable lines. The Dendly Third Rall—There eeems to have been a misapprehension about the death of the Brooklyn Rapid Transit passenger, J. J, Chase, on the third rail, Aooord- ing to the explanation of the ratiroad officials Chase was crushed to death, The burning, which is testified to by ‘Ambulance Surgeon Longstrest, occurred after death. ‘The fact remains that the roasting took place. Whether before or after 1s a tweedledee-tweedicdum difference, ‘The rail should be covered #o that a like accident wil! not occur again or a worse. THE OkD JOKES’ HOME O'TOOLE — Did yer old man die hard, Mra. Dooley? MRS. DOOLEY —indade he did! 1 nearly kilt Pat to die. Another Triamph in Mirth-Medicine and Serto-Comic Surgery! ‘OTH above another incurable cured by Prof. Josh M. A, Long’s method. This inmate was only in The Old Jokes’ Home is a quiet retreat where old jokes that are hopeless cases may pass their declining years in ease, quiet and comfort. Where jokes yet young ‘but worn by hard work are rejuvenated and made over. It fs humor's phyeical culture eanttarium! Have you sent a two-cent stamp to Prof. Josh M. A. Long that you may receive one of the handsome 8. P. O. H. badges which empowers you to take old jokes into custody, in the ‘home, on the street, at the theatre, to summon the ‘busy blue antbulance and send the good old fellows into the Old Jokes’ Home? If you have not, send to-day without delay. See the old jokes our badge wearers, the vig land and efficient officers of the Society for {le Preven- tion of Cruelty to Humor, sent in yesterday, per the ‘busy blue ambulance. Are you doing your shere of the work? Hauled In Yesterday by Joe-Miller in the Busy Blue Ambulance, We Will Investigate These Charges, Prof, Joh M. A. Bengt Ltr 2| I hesitated a long time before € could And the heart to criticine the management of so worthy a public institution as the Ok Jokes’ Home, but I have noted so many evidences of, ismanagement that I at last feel called upon in the inter sts of humanity to demamd’ an investigation. ‘The climax came last night when the “up a ohimney down- umbrella” joke staggered feebly into our dining room and in- sisted on working, Now, this old joke wae consigned to your care shortly after the foundation of the home. I made an attempt to apprehend the old fellow, but after a desperate struggle he escaped and is still at large somewhere in the wilds of Westchester County. This {s only one instance of many which I might cite as evidence of the grons carelessness in the management of the home. An Investigation should be mInstituted émmediately. Cc. A. WOODARD. New Rochelle, N. Y. ‘Two More 01d Conundrnms Captured. "of, Jos M. A. Long: Kindly find room in the O14 Jokes’ Home for these old worn-out jokes, as follows Way in a book like a flower? Because It has leaves. Tam married and I've got three children, and next July I'm going to celebrate the fourth. MORRIS SWHTT, Nov 212 Broadway, Brooklyn, One for Dessert, Prot. Josh M. A, Bong: Why Js the desert a good place for luncheon? On account of the sand which Is there, : PERCY ORAN SMITH. No, %T West One Hundred and Fifty-sixth street. ‘ an \ Z Wa! ti If you'd put folks in possession of the facts of your profession, Dame Nature will assist you, and it needn’t cost a cent. For, with lawn-mower and sickle, you oan catch their notice fickle, 4 And prove how sweet the uses are of good advertise-ment. Some of the Best Jokes of the Day. IN A BOSTON SCriOOL. Teaoher—Have you er heard of the “Happy Isles of Greece Little Waldo--Yes, ma'am, ‘Teacher—Can you te! me something about them? Little Waldo—They are pieces of pork entirely surrounded by beans,—Sahovl- tmaater UNFAVORABLE, “What would be the prospect for starting ® secret soclety beret’ asked the enterprising traveller in the Far) North. “Speaking for myself,” replied the Eskimo, “st wouldn't work. We have only one night in the year, and, of course, I have to give that ¢o my club," —Chicago ‘I'ribune. , ECHO OF PANAMA JOKE, | “The straw basket Mrs. Plum plantod her hanging vines ln cost $100 last eum- "Greet helictropes! $10 fer e straw ene’ Yes; {t was ortginalty ber husband's Panama hat."—Philadelphia Record, SLOW. WORK, Kallow—¥es, I'm trying to reise a mustache and’ I'm wondering what color 1t'M be when tt does come out, Miss Pepprey—Gray, 1 should say, at the rate it appears to be growing.— delphta Preas, AN ENCORE, You may be famillar with his game Wige—1 the al Unci under another namo, Men who have bad oclennel Uncle S088 | tas sen tien gaat are eoumadered heme: Weee—What, agaln?—Philadelphia less. They would rather play it than of “Uncle Tom's Cabin" Is dead, i tench paper is nurked off in Me inanyPeke’ desltads tive’ inant CONUNDRUMS, What ts the largest room in the world? Room for improvement, Why {9 your eye Iie a man being flogged? It ts under the lesh. Why Is A ifke 18 o'alook? It ts the middle of day. Why does @ puss purr? For an obvious purpase. What soap ie the hardest? Castile (ousteteel). What tree te of great importamce in history? ‘The date. ‘Why ‘s a falwe report Mike @ tottentng house? it has a weak foundation, ‘Why ts a tale bearer like « bricklayer? Ho raises stories. Why t jailer ite @ piano player? Ho fitigere the keys. Why ‘s a pious man iflbe a sieve? | He t doly. What kind ef cheese is the wisest? Sage Why {ts @ drawn tooth ike « thing forgot? I te out of the head. When ts « fish like a bird? When jit takes @ ty. Why is eternity te @ ciuteT Bt hae nelther beginnéng nor ending, ‘Why should sobdiers be tired on April 1? Because they have just had @ Murch of thirty-one days. Why should no man starve on the deserts of Arabia? Beomwuse of the sand which is there, Why ts o kins ike « goandal? It goes from mouth to mouth, ‘What did the spider do when he came . |out of the ara? Took a fy aad went home. ec HOW THE UP-TO-DATE COMMUTER MAY ADVERTISE. Oe oO wm : 90009099995 20-97 59999999:9O92 9H 9OO0HOO 05996 0OGO09 90S $9006 $OODDOS } LETTERS, QUESTIONS, ANSWERS. Backs Opinion of ‘‘Oornelius!” ‘Te the Bator of The Mrentng ‘World: tus" are usually jolly and good, beg to gay that, as for myself, think I ‘fll ‘che bill" exactly aa segards Gteposition, #0. (barring Gts of the blues, of course). At least, #0 many of my lady friends have asenred me, the and again, this ts not an “April fool’ erther, ‘ CORNDLAUS R. we Rounds, To the @lter ot The Brening Werte: Broken Mivror Greught Luck, To the Wélver of The Brening World: In angwer to the letter signed ‘IMubel,"" about the broken looking glass, Mt brings “seven years’ bard ju that some people oonsider {1 #0, but a mirror Gries Gur. Serna Cruelty to Animals, Fo the Wiitor of The Wrening World: the death of @ tiorse through of a dxtver, I was greatly @ men ts tohuman and @ brote. Although this these happenings, i ix about the worst I have ever heard of will be punished. HELEN. the Composer, THE ALBANY SITUATION. ROM the way things look at Albany some of the “uP humble and Intellectual legisiatars are going homet well uphoistered with the wrinkled and unclean,” remarked the Cigar-Store Man, ' “The color or previous condition of servitude of money; cuts no appreclable quantity of tce with a legislator,” said the Man Higher Up. ‘They would take billy so thick witht microbes that you could dust them off with a whisk-broom and give them a hearty kiss of welcome. ‘The dough Js afloat! in Albany, and the Assem>lymen and Senators whb think’ that a public office is a public graft have got the covers of thelr dough-bags held open with {ron bars, “You ought to go to Albuny some time and see the coarse: work, The Park Row panhandlers are shrinking violets. compared to the average country legislator who gets am {tehing sensation {n the palm of his horny hand. Once the lobbyists get iim nailed and he gets his first taste of money, accumulated without work, he gets a button made reading, ‘What's in it for me?’ and pins tt on the inside of the lapel of his coat.” ‘ at causes #0 many legislators to turn crooked?” asked the Clgar-Store Man. “If you take a boy who has never eaten anything in tis life In the way of sweots but two or three hokey pokey cakes and turn him loose in an {ce-cream factory with a license to load. the chances are that he'll founder ‘himself,” answered the Man Higher Up. “It is the same way with the thrifty Rube who has run his way up in polities out i the country: unt!l the Boss gives him the nomination to the Assembly} and elects him. “Take a man off a farm or out of a country town, elap him into Albany, where more {mportant legislation Is ground out than in any other State Capital, and ho is like the boy In the foe-cream store, His salary is small, and probably in the beginning he hikes out to find room and board for about $, per, with washing thrown In, But ho discovers pretty shortly’ that me nearning the eame salary as himself have sufficient cash to enable them to live at swell hotels, consume gpod.. they never knew was in the books until they got into the, Legislature and take an occasional flyer at a poker game qa layout. gets to know them; he sees his name in the New York pa-. pers; he concludes thet the might as well have the game as the name, and the next time the lobby gets busy there is a» new nose at the edge of the trough. Pretty soon the legislator hes his front feet in with all the rest, and the more he gete the more hia appetite grows. : f “His constituents don't care. As tong as he votes for Ditty saddling the bulk of expense of running the State on the city, ot New York he \s certainly the goods at home. As long as he stands pat for the Home and the Farm he can get ewag) with almost anything from mumblepeg to murder.” ON THE EVENING WORLD PEDESTAL bj Ne feeling, but one seemingly tor} Record eat or pay their debts. Bye marks ins row PROBLEM OF MEASURES. . \ ‘They may be connected only, to Judge by the experience UP-TO-DATE CAUTION, oe ak SF tee fale Sita Kign.sannione i L10 5X it bit eg yAieuised 94 6 tramp, solicited a| Raising bie hand, tho minister eaid: “rl ‘atl thet ln needed ty t paper m be crapeed d se ft 5 baptize thee, John Heury't--e rapidly as faite ie! the obild Mh) 4, Hea] *} ore A a ry grote met ene pomeapeliortws sort i Me - A ’ 5 Ro j ‘ SOE eT is Ne 4) "