The San Francisco Call. Newspaper, February 12, 1905, Page 5

_THE SAN FRANCISCO SUNDAY ‘“CALL. oast the allroad day s. I was a transient 1 had nothing to a desire to keep get through the months pausing at earn a grub of me on the tramp, f St. Vitus the quit- ng ading camp me the idea ! business and pu MAKING intro- I‘aw men s methoc at the same state- f partici- ns and also I industrious on the point ht secret out it has inva- the critical e gone the way s a raging f green s ) esworn the the advice of their or their personal liver. CU‘\MIE—\-’FDDEN about de e kind of horses de show—is well rubbed d housed and took st dere is for "em all de year. Dey to prove dat dey is st dem! some folks, it's dif- nt. If it wasn't for de Horse Show forward on foot to the busy haunts of man. So I plagiarized his traveling out- fit to the smallest detail—frying pan, coffee pot, water cans and blankets— and tore myself away from the Mor- mons. Those polygamous persons said 1 was hastening onward to my doom. was better than to stop in one and wait for the doom. place Aside from a touch of loneliness when night shut in, hoofing the trackless des- ert wasn't such a bad job. It was 9% per cent better than driving mules on the railroad dump, and whén tired walking I could run a while, if so dis- , being my own boss. After the day on account of the heat I time card and walked at my switched night. It was late in June when I start- ed ¢ this saunter, and the dry heat was intense There were many long between streams, and on ese lapses the faithful water cans nabled me to keen up a full head of steam Rather than take desperate It can thus be seen at a casual glance that the problem with which we are confronted, especially about this time of the year, no simple one. How cana drink and not drink simultaneous- poraneously and concurrent- 1l not venture to propose an T ipally because we do not there is any. At least we have ver found one in any of our careful experiments and observations. in order to show how it can not be done, and therefore to hold up a beacon light to the youmg men of America and Jersey City, we shall com- ment very brie on some of the sa- lient facts in the career of Mr. William G. Fizz, late of Manhattan—both city and cocktail. Mr. Fizz was reputed by those who claimed to be in a position to know to be the original discoverer of the booze bug. The world-shaking discovery was made late one night on a certain brightly lighted street which runs from However, dere is tousands of good folks who wouldn’t never have a chance to make front. Dat's right. Suppose a mug has made a toin in Wall street what puts him a million to de good of de game—only a million—is de papers filled wit fairy stories about him, so dat his old school fellows back in de long grass country will know dat he has landed? Not a bit like it, wit only a milllon to de good. It takes a real killing—ten or twenty million at de smallest—to give a man a good notice in de Wall street part of de papers. So what is a poor man to do who has cashed in for only a million or so? It isn't wort speaking about in New York, but back in Beetville it will make a sensation, and dat is what’s wanted. What's going to get him de papes? De Horse Show. Sure! It only costs a tousand or so for a box at de show for de season, and de ex- penses after de show, suppers and de likes of dose, and dat will buy as much advertising for de mug’'s wife's gowns as a dozen million strike in Wall street would done. De horses don’t need it; dere isn’t any question about deir being well bred and well trained and well mannered and well groomed before de Horse Show opens, or wedder it opens or not. But wit human mugs it's different. Who is to know dat a human mug is all right, is one of de real things, if he doesn’t have a chance to prove it at de Horse Show? Say, it gives me a pain in me temper to hear folks saying dat dere is no reason for de Horse Show! Besides de mug dat has raked off a million in de lastest bulge in debentures preferred and who wants it known back where de little fellow he went to ' school wit is still selling ribbons and cheese over de store counter—besides dat mug dere is odders dat has a good time at de show. I'm one. Me and Duchess always has a box for our lone- lies for one night of de show. Mr. Paul always pungles for a season box, and den never goes.; Miss Fannie says, “Why?” Whiskers says, “What!” Wily Widdy says, “Fudge!” And dat's de kind of langwudge Mr. Paul gets when chances I toted waler sva v step of the Generally, though, I managed to reach a spring. water hole or stream after an all-night tramp, and there rested comfortably in the shade of the willows. If the stream appeared to have the goods I hung my pack- on a willow tree, got out my trusty fish line, captured a grasshopper and added fried trout to my regular fare of bread and bacon. Fresh bread daily, without the aid of an oven, is the main standby of the overland hobo. Here i§ the way we make and bake it: My only utensil was she frying pan. In that I mixed a dough of self-rising flour and water. The loaf was shaped like a large doughnut, the hole in the middle being left to obviate that sad and soggy feeling noticeable sometimes in open-air bread. I baked my loaf in the frying pan, over the fire, until the bottom was cooked; then I propped the pan on edge alongside the blaze and allowed the reflected heat to bake the top. Better results, hobo cooks aver, are obtained in this manner than by turning the loaf upside down in the pan. The weight flattens the uncooked surface and spoils the artistic effect. faving no broom straws with which to tell when the bread was done, I tested the loaf with my teeth, and was doubly thankful, sometimes, I had such good, strong teeth. A little gravy, like mother used to make. is very nice on this bread. For more than a week the only hu- man form I saw was my own image in the pools from which I dipped up water. Being in no hurry, I spent a profitable lot of time fishing, and wasted some more wishing for a gun with which to slay jackrabbits. Every clump of sage brush sheltered a family of long-eared jacks, and large colonies of unsettled rabbits hopped across the trail in the soft moonlight. One night I found a mule whip lying in the dusy, and as I stooped over to pick it up the whip coiled and sprung its rattle. My footwork in the sidestep getaway was so rapid the sudden start broke the strap that bound me to my pack and I left it in the road. The rattler held his position and sent out repeated warnings. that he was not to be monkeyed with, but I bombarded him with sand and bush tops until he moved away and allowed me to recover the pack. After that, had I come across a mule whip, gold-handied and studded with diamonds, blazing in the light of a deceitful moon, I would have smothered the temptation to pick it up. Besides, I was making fairly good time without a whip. A little after daylight one morning T was pitching my camp beside a purling streamlet when a beauteous sound smote the air. It was a robust human snore that started with a gurgle and one end to the other of a certain great Now the middle portion of this brightly lighted street is lined * with many resorts whose inmates are known to suffer from the frequent attacks of an obscure virus or bacteria whose identity was little understood previous to the advent of Fizz. The effects are extreme giddiness, great capacities of conversation, especially on insignificant subjects, and a general disposition to claim the earth for the exclusive prop- erty and habitation of the one afflicted. The after effects are marked by a great increase in the size of hat neces- sary for comfort, a peculiar affinity for the ice water pitcher and a ten- dency to swear by all known standards that the same thing will not happen agajn. It never does; there are al- ways a sufficient number of variations in the booze bug affliction to justify the victim’s claim that he has kept his oath. / The idea that the dire havoc along he says who is going to de box. So de box tickets is passed out to Duchess to whack 'up wit de odder upper soivants, and dat’'s de reason dere is always so much style seen i Mr. Paul's box. He never goes to de box himself, for he has horses to show and to see, 50 he's busy; too busy to see any of de show except de hotses. Mostly he rubbers de box once ring de even- ing to see is de upper soivants mak- ing a good front, and on my;night dere—but wait till I tell you. Dere is a sort of chessboard printed what has de location of all de boxes and de names of de owners on it, and dat’s for gillies and sillies to buy so dat as dey chases around de walk under de fronts of de boxes dey can know who dey is rubbering at. Same as de horses is numbered to tell what dey is. Only nobody what don't al- ready know what horse is what cares te know, so dey consults de checker board to find out what mug, is what. See? Duchess always takes de box for her and me on de swell night, and she saves up de best stuff she jollies out of Miss Fannie all during de year to flash at de public on dat night. Say, she’s a dream! She's a peach wit a rosebud on de side. And I'm not so woise, at dat. Mr. Paul’s close and dicer fits me better dan dey do his Jap valet, so what he don't give to me when de dew Is off of 'em I buys at a in from his Jap valet, and de Jap valet sends de price to his folks in de old country to boost de war. On de Jevel, every time I buys a fancy westcoat off dat Jap I sinks a Titussian gunboat or puts a Russian regiment of ‘tillery out of business. ‘Well, Duchess comes down de odder nizht when I was all ready and she says to me, “Cheems,” she says, “what do you ttnk of me, eh?” “Duchess,” I says, “dere ain't no woid for you! If you was only a Bowery goil you would be in de money, one, two, tree!” “When you see a Bowery goil,” she says, giving me de shoulder shrug, “dat can wear grande dame close like me let me hear from you by letter. If wound up in a whistle. In a clump of bushes, so close to the stream his fev- cred feet were soaking In the water, lay a man rolled in blankets. When I spoke to him, he leaped up, pistol in hand, but seeing nothing but a frazzled kid, the stranger calmed down. He was heading for the effete Kast and didn’t care how soon he got there, he said. Bellview, mining camp on the Wood River, wus one day’s stroll to the westward and if that was my destination I had best be going, the man intimated. Seeing he didn’t care fgr my choice company I cut out sleep for that day and hustled on to Bellview. I reached Wood River at dusk and was crossing a bridge built of 1égs, leading to the town, when a famillar vet puzzling sound broke out at the other end of the bridge. There seemed to be some one whistling an operatic air to a Chinese orchestra accompani- ment. Then a form came twitching and jerking along in the gloaming. My mentor—my guide, the tramp yith St. Vitus' dance and the long stemmed frying pan, lcomed up. It was the banging of his pan against the bridge rail that heralded the approach of an old_friend. “‘Hello, sonny,” he said between jerks. “Where are you going?” “Into the town,” I replied. thing doing?” “Well, 1 should say. Too hot there for me. This is Fourth of July and you're just in time to see the fireworks 80 off. Hear ’em shooting up the town? ‘Wish you luck.” Having jerked -out this bulletin, the tramp moved away in the darkness, still whistling and beating haphazard time with the frying pan. Meanwhile our country’s natal day was being biown off to beat the band. It sounded like the published reports of the siege of Port Arthur, with the wails of the maimed and dying tossed in on the side. The mining camp had but one street, a crooked thoroughfare fol- lowing the bend of the river. Great sbonfires blazed in the middle of the street and the grand illuminating effect was heightened by lanterns made ot red paper or a framework of sticks hung on the shanties. In lieu of fire- works, the patriotic inhabitants let off guns and pistols loaded with balls, and the popping was truly exhilarating. The main celebration raged in a big saloon and dance hall. Three or four rickety females took turns waltzing with half a hundred frenzied patriots, who employed each other as dancing partners until the ladies were at liber- ty. This terrific outburst of social grandeur and gaiety after my lonesomns spell in the desert all but stunned me. Wishirg to be patriotic and at the same time devilish, I left my pack out- side the dance hall and treated myself to one - glass of beer, which cost 15 cents. This, I believe. is about the cheapest Fourth of July I ever put in. The soothing waltz strains for that spirited revelry were produced by an aged blind negro, who sawed away in the corner on a fiddle with one string. Whenever the more reckless dancers piled up near him the blind negro turned in terror and hovered his fiddle like a hen 'with a brood of chickens. “Foh Gawd’s saik, gemmens, do be “Anye the lane, which, by the way, was and is yclept Broadway because at certain times of the night it is so narrow and crooked, was caused by a germ came to our friend Fizz’s mind one morn- ing. It was a Morning after a previous Night, with capital letters. Feeling within himself many of the symptoms which we have described above, he be- gan forthwith to search for some sci- entific explanation. In these days every- thing from laziness to barratry and bankruptcy is caused by a germ, and nothing was more natural than,that Mr. Fizz should ascribe his lost, ruined and generally undone condition to the ravages of a defenseless germ. Germs have very few friends any way and there is no apparent reason why they should not be charged with all the ills to which human flesh is heir, especially those for which the victim desires to shirk the responsibility. Having found the germ, Mr. Fizz set about the discovery of an anti-toxin that should be able to put the afore- said germ out of business. The obvious relief was in homeopathy. Similia vou are ready, we will go to de show, and let de common pecple see what de real style is to be dis winter.” tps I ready! Say, I had on me pat ska me swallow tail, a westcoat dat would put your eye out in de sunshine, and a opray hat dat crushed as flat as a pancake, and a top coat dat dragged two feet along de ground. Ready! Well! De rubber-neckers was blocking de walk in front of de box when we gets to de garden, for Mr. Paul's and Whiskers' names was on de checker- boards dey was studying, and our folks being de realest tings in swells in little old New York, all de rubbers was croisy to pipe ’em off. “Mon dieu!” says Duchess, as de usher ushers us into de box. “is dere ne way to keep de common people from annoying us like dis?” she says. “Hush your mout, woman,” I whis- pers to her, “or one of de ‘common people’ will shy a stick at me dicer, and den I'll have'a fight on me hands dat will be wort more dan de rest of de show.” But Duchess was having de time of her life, and dere was no stopping her. She had one of dese long handled eye- glasses, and she looked over de crowd like it made her feel a little seasick , 10 be so close to 'em. Den she shifts her glasses around to de folks in de boxes near us and gives 'em a glad smile like she was saying, ‘“Well, we must be stared at, we who are de Real Tings, but we can keep each od- der company in our misery and get what fun dere is out of de gRame.” Dat's de kind of look dat always lands some come-on who is looking for a chance to butt in and be seen talking to de great folks. It landed all right, all right. A four-flush Wall streSt Johnnie “sat in de next box, and de style of Duchess near paralyzed him. I seen him look at de checker-board to see who we was and when he read Mr. Paul's and Whiskers’ names he tells ’em to de odders in his box and dey smiles like de bull pup when he sees de cat and de cat doesn’t see him. On de level, dere was some Real keerful!™ he wailed. moh such fiddle strings wifin foh hun- dred mile of dis year place!” From which it will be seen the com- mittee on music for that Fourth of July celebration was up against the real “Dey hnin( no thing. The wool and whiskers of the sightless negro were white with age. and bodily infirmities had bent him al- most double. landish place and what was his regular business I do not know, for I then had troubles of my own and didn't bother much with the affairs of other people. That night, regardless of the rattle of musketry, I Slept sweetly in a sort of' barn. In the morning I removed from a new set of harness a number of nice straps, needed to replace the ones on my pack broken in the encounter with the rattlesnake, and once more sought the dusty trail to the Pacific Coast. Near the log bridge was a small boy boiling coffee at a campfire. Close by in the woods stood a battered stasze coach, with four skinny white horses tethered to the wheels, eating their breakfast. The boy said his pa. who was still celebrating in the town, owned the rig. They had some from Boise City, 160 miles away, with a stageload of fresh vegetables. Pa had cleaned uv a nice wad of money selling cabbages to the miners, and would start for Boise that day. Pretty soon papa stopped shooting up the camp and came down to the bridge for breakfast. I boned the old man for a ride to Boise, and he looked with fayor on the propo- sition. He was very)sleepy, expected to be more or less drowsy on the home- ward trip of four days and would take me along, provided I could drive a four-in-hand. Of course I could. and the battered coach tooled across the log bridge with me on the box. The vegetable man curled up in the bottom of the coach and snored. There was nothing for me to do but to ‘hold the reins, as the horses had too much sense to leave the trail. Sometimes the boy crawled inside and I had the entire Northwest to myself. Toward evening we encamped at a water hole just va- cated by the St. Vitus’' dance, man, set- ting out on his night tramp. Still, I felt confident of beating him to Boise City, if he contemplated a visit to that place. Those were four grand days, tooling the four-in-hand, and I gaze back with pride on my career as a stage driver. But one untoward incident marred this trip, and I was not to blame. Be- sides his bottled goods, the old man had bought a pair of high-heeled calfskin boots, for which he paid $15. In his waking moments the boots were his theme and glory. The second night out he was so far recovered as to sleep on the ground, using the new boots for a pillow. Field mice, or some other equally ravenous rodent, banqueted on the $15 boots, eating the feet off at the oily ereases at the ankles. The rage and erief of the old man were awful to behold, and his frothings gave me a ¥ne on the folly of pinning one’s faith to earthly treasures. For the next two days the indignant and highly incensed old gentleman cursed every living thing, including birds of the air and monsters of the deep. At Boise I worked two weeks in a horse corral and made a grub stake of similibus curantur, which is, being in- terpreted, the hair of the dog is good for the bite. To put his theory into language that shall be comprehensible to the layman, Mr. Fizz came to the conclusion after at least fifteen min- utes’ study that the only way to kill the booze bug was by drowning it in the medium in which it was discov- ered. It was as though one should at- tempt to kill all the fish in the sea by spraying the surface of the ocean with a garden hose, but the inconsistency of his position did not seem to worry Mr. Fizz. Perhaps it appealed to him. Having settled the matter to his cwn satisfaction, Mr. Fizz at once set out to put his cure into effect. To the ordi- nary observer it was a very difficult feat to distinguish between the malady and the cure, but Mr. Fizz was certain that he could see a difference. At any rate there was a great difference in the ideals of the two courses of conduct and that should be the determining fac- tor. Furthermore, the added ease of conscience with which he sallied. forth night after night was enough to repay him amply for all the mental anguish YA JUSTIFIES THE HORSE- - SHOW,"AND HELPS T0 KEEP SOME FSASY MONEY GOING Ting mugs and mugesses in some of de boxes, but none of 'em looked so like ready money as Duchess. Her chin and eyebrows was up like she was saying what an awful time de ‘ristocrats did have mixing wit de commons, her shoulders was humped like she was saying she would do her duty and be seen by de rubbers in de walk if she dled for it and her eye was out for a glad smile to de un- known million-winners who might like to mix wit her for de good of de cause—and our benefit. ‘Well, de laddy buck in de next box he pretty soon leans over to me and he says, “How did Debenture Pre- ferred close on de tape?” ““Steen and naith,” I says, just for luck. ‘’Steen and naith!” he says, smiling big. “My word, dat is good for me, for I took a flyer In de morning and forgot to order a sell, and at dat price I'm ten more tousand to de good on de day's rise. I've done pretty well by Debenture Preferred on dis bulge of de market,” he says. “Not so big as some, but I'm about a million ahead of de market.” “Dat’s fairly good,” I says, wonder» ing if T would have de price of a Frankfort saussage and beer if we walked home instead of taking de tun- nel. “Dat’s fairly good. I done rad- der well on de market meself,” I says —*"a few hundred tousand more or less dan a million,” I says, giving a nod to me fren de barkeep, who just floats by wit his steady. “Yes, I heard vou made a fat kill- ing in Debenture Preferred,” he says, snuggling up to our box. I knowed den who he took me for, because Mr. Paul had been playing de street for a little whirl and was to de good on Debenture Preferred and de come-on next door tinks I was Mr. Paul. Well, dere was no harm in dat—if Mr. Paul didn't hear of it. “Let me | introduce me wife,” he says next, nnfl Duchess. a bow dat a swisher for busy radder fast. De felly tells me How he got to that out- . $9. On the outski of ®the city 1 bumped into a queer Specimen arrayed from top to bottom in buckskin gar- ments with fringe on them—a regular Buffalo Bill. The knees of the buck- skin nants had stretched and bagged to such a degree the owner looked like the hind legs of a horse walking back- ward. His outfit consisted of two small wagons hitched en train, four mules, one wife, three little children and a whole arsenal of rifles, shotguns and pistols. This terror of the plains was headed for the Blue Mountains of Ore- gon to make a fortune chopping wood. If I cared to join the expedition he would haul my pack and let me walk beside or behind the wagons. That sounded like a good offer, and I jumped at it. We led% roval gypsy life fqr weeks. Much of the time the womah drove, while Buffalo Bill and I ranged ahead on either side of the trail and shot jack- rabbits, and with rabbit liver for bait ‘U‘ I Illlu' i uu‘r; ;~l!| ]7 bl es for the J dolish w/ficmby he had undergone before he arrived firally at a satislacnfry}cfentlfic con- clusion. The years sped by, accompamed al- ways by William‘G. Fizz, whose course was fully as »apid as that of the years. At times he was tormented by doubts as to the wisdom of the course which he had marked out for himself. Booze bugs appeared to be very tenacious of life and the amount of lguid that was necessary to drown even one small bug was beyond belief. What would be re- quired to put the quietus on a large colony of mdult bugs in the full enjoy- ment of robust health and high spirits would be impossible to compute. The only consclation that appeared to remain for Fizz was in the thought that if he was gfowing old, so were the bugs. It thus resolved itself into a test of endurance. Would the bugs give out first or would they dance in ghoulish glee arcund the coffin of the late Wil- liam G. Fizz? Again and again he made appointments with himself for suspending the treatment, which had now become heroic, «nd allowing the bugs to starve or move. But he was where he comes from, how much he had when he struck New York, what he done for a living before he come out of de long grass and how much he’d made since he landed and how he made it. He was awfully sweet on himself, but not half so sweet as Duchess was on him. Her broke Ens- lish queered him and his good lady at foist, but pretty soon dey must made up deir minds dat she was talking de langwudge of de real tings, for dey was bote imitating her for'n brogue; and I done it, too, just to play de game under one rule for all. I seen what Duchess was playing for and I wishes her luck, for I'd felt in me jeans and found dat I couldn’t dig ‘up de vrice of Frankforters and betr, and 1 was carrying a tidy toist and nppenle at dat. But Duchess landed 'em all right. Debenture Pre- ferred - soon made de crack we was listening for. He wanted to know what restaurant we tought was de best and de way we didn't keep him waiting might put him wise how much we wanted him to say de next ting. But he never tumbled. He says if we had no engugement would we join his gang in a bottle and a boid at de place we’d touted as de best in town and we said “Sure.” And we done it. No need to tell you what kind of a feed we had when Duchess consented to oblige and order for de party. Little old Debenture Preferred couldn't have de bottles opened fast enough, and we was having de mer- riest party in de restaurant when I . seen Mr. Paul standing near and look- ing at us like he wondered did he know us. If I could went trough a pipe out into de sewer I'd done it, but p'chee! Duchess she seen him, and she says to him quick in French dat she hoped he'd say notting, for we was only keep- ing a little fool money in circulation. and doing no mischief. Mr. Paul "he laughs and walks on witout savipg a woid, but I keeps one eye on him. and I seen him give a short game of talk ¥ = l ‘ fl ‘l:." n and Off the Bread Wagon emp Hard Luck'Tales and D oings of an AmatsurHobo v Charles en 1 somefimes fished in the cool of the evening. These products of plain and stream were shared in common in a large pot. and when we had neither game nor fish I built a separate camp- fire and cooked my own bacon, bread and coffee. A roving career begets a free and independent spirit quite pleas- ing to behold. Thus the long summer and the longer miles oozed away. Near Baker City, Or., I shook Buffalo Bill and toiled *wo weeks in a hay field for another grub stake. Then I joined an empty freight outfit going back to the coast—an outfit of four immense wagons and thirty mules in charge of one man. He took me along for company and to help with the team, in return for which the big- hearted freighter fed me real ham and eggs in prodigious quantities. What they did to me at Portland, Ta- coma and San Francisco will be related in the next stanza. (Copyright, 1905, by Charles Dryden.) P v IN THE DUST.” too tender hearted. The thought of those dear little germs who had been regular tenants cf his earthly frame lo these many years being thrust out into the cold world in their helpless old age was too much for him. Never should it be said of him that he deceived a booze bug that trusted him. Our story is done; so is William G. Fizz. His last words were, “Who will care for the little booze bugs now?" If you want to know the answer to this question walk down Broadway, or any other street, any night after eleven o'clock. The booze bugs are being cared for all right. In the face of this solemn conclusion to Mr. Fizz's life tragedy we can trust ourselves to point out only a few of the morals which may be drawn from it. Others will be sent to any subscriber on receipt of a two- cent postage stamp. At present we can only shake our head sadly and remark that another martyr to science has gone to his reward. We shall also warn the young men of this land to look not upon the wine when it is red, for when they are ¢ld thev cannot depart from fit. Copyright, 1905, by Albert Britt. \BYL RD "TOVUNSEND give a supper party atter de Horse Show to de Duke and Duchess Fai a'Ong. Listen to me on de level: Dat felly dat blows me and Duchess off dat night is climbing into de Brass Band Society set like a fireman up a ladder. on de strefigt of having entertained a Duke and Duchess. I met him on de street de odder day and he says. “I'm on dat you are only Chimmie Fadden. but dat’ newspaper ‘plece about de Duke and Duchess is putting me and de missus next to de swift set so fast dat I feels like giving you a fiver.” “If you feel like it hard enouszh to do it, don't deny yourself de fun.” I says. And p'chee he done it. Sure. Copyright, 1905, by Edward W. Townsend. “SHE LOOKED QVER DE CROWS LIKE 17 MADE HER VEEL SEA SILx TO BE 30 AOSE TOEA )