The San Francisco Call. Newspaper, April 14, 1901, Page 11

THE ‘SUNDAY CALL. ol 11 SR 55 3 ;fii cert Vednesday evening it a volume of “D,'E, P," rch. After a wser asked Bowser ot & he was looking for. me ‘De Rubini here. It's e was such a ing Mr. t Bowser had the same vain be- why he had a par- g out about De w er's curiosity just happened to want to know.” onfusion “We had him over at the of- Did vou ever happen In fact, T never saw remember. What was anywhere that T e—a celebrated conepirator?” Bowser her over his Or was he Mr. Bowser | at her again with in- lowed by a smile of lofty and he put away his volume sed pit superiority before say “It's & wo Christopher ( nder you don't ask whether lumbus Wwas a circus clown ent about De Rubini,” she “Y-e-s bint. If you 1 were brought up in a farm- De Rubin! was De Ru- house where they 't know Shakes- Rice and if you attended where the teacher put peare from D: MR. BOWSER LOOKED AT HER OVER AIS The Wise Man and the Fool. &7 WISE MAN and a Fool jour- J==\ neyed together into a Far Coun- 4 Viry. Now the Wise Man was an Eth- nologist: also was he Up on Anthro- pology. Yea, verily, he was Dead Owly on all things sppertaining -to the Science of Man: yet wotted he not how to Cook Bacon or fasten his Sus- pender with a Shingle Nail. But the Fool had not Brains where- with to Furnish Broth for a Starving Flea. And it came to Pass that they journeyed through a DBesert which was strewn with the Bones of Many Men, and the Bones bore the Marks of Teeth. And about the eleventh hour the Fool lifted up his Voice in a Scared Howl. “Behold, Master!” he said, “hers cometh a Procession of Niggers hav- ing Spears in their Hands and a Ter- ribly Mean Look in their Eyes!” and he fled Swiftly. “How interesting!” exclaimed the Sage, and he took out a Book, placed his Horn Spectacles upon his Beak and proceeded to classify the Heathen. Now the Fool had no Brains; yet were his Leg Muscles in Good Shape. ‘Wherefore, while the Wise Man was busy Classifying, the Fool was run- ning Earnestly and with exceeding Much Fervor. “Throw up thy Hands!” said ths Cannibals, “for of a truth thou art Our Meat!” “Alas!” wept the Unhappy Sage. “They are Anthropophagi (Whick meaneth Cannibals), and I wist not until I classified them!” and they scraped him neatly and placed him in a Toothsome Stew. “Lo!” quoth the Cannibal Chief, “the man was All Brains and No Legs! Ugh! Yet, had he been Long on Legs and Short on Brains per- chance we had missed our Dinner! All things are for the Best!” and he Gave Thanks and was Happy. “Verily,” panted the Fool as he paused to Catch Breath at a Safe Dis- tance, “brains be a Great Thing; but it is the Leg Action that taketh thee cut of Trouble at a Pinch!” and he Spurted Again. Moral: There is no Greater Fool than the Wise Man who knoweth not how to use his Wisdom. Another Wad: Educate not thy Brain at the Expense of thy Legs. And Verily: The' Fool may be a Fool, yet knoweth he when to run-- which is the First Precept a Benefi- cent Providence bestowed upon our First Ancestors, XNero, Socrates, Queen Victoria and / an Mahoney into a bag together, not exactly to blame for it, but it seems 1 as if you might have picked up a few things since marrying me. 1 doubt that every other woman on this block knows all about De Rubini's won- derful works, masterpleces of the divine * art."” next evening, just as dinner was conclud- ed, the doorbell rang, and a dark faced, | long haired man whose breath smelled of yoA are have no Nothing further was said, but on the in the sitting-room. He placed a -chair fresh roasted peanuts and who had grime on his nose entered the hall He bore a arge oil portrait of a man dressed in anclent costume, wearing a cocked hat most eccentric. When he had paiated and a sword and looking as if he were out for a barrel of blood. “Signor Bowser,” said the peanut man, "I haf broughta da pictur to maka you happy."” ‘Mr. Bowser handed him over several greenbacks and bowed him out, and ugged the painting back to Mrs. Bowser MAN- ENTERED THE AALL. YOUR against the wall, placed the picture on the chair and then stood back with a chuckle and said: “You asked who De Rubini was. Behold him!” The cat dropped off the lounge. took a square look at the portrait and then dis- creetly retired a few feet to be out of the way of the flying splinters. “So that's De Rubini sitting down to his beer?” queried Mrs. Bowser after a long look at the old canvas, across which in- numerable flies appeared to have left in- numerable trails. “Haven't you more sense than that?” hotly demanded Mr. Bowser as he flushed up. “Then who {s it?” “The figure before you is that of the chevalier of Milan, while De Rubini was the painter. Can’t you see his name down there in the corner?” A painter,”was he?” about a dozen pictures he stopped work and would paint no more. his few gems, and it may be said to be priceless.” less picture?" such a thing overtaken by misfortune, obliged to sell his all? actly what I paid, but if I should ever want to part with it I can turn my money over ten times.” of complacency on his face, and the cat grinned and nodded and said to herseif A DARK FACED LONGHAIRED “WOMAN, ASCEND TO Rubini must have painted by the yard. his eyes blazing. what you are saying to me?”’ dare you displav such cheek?” “wears his sword on the wrong side, and his thumbs are as long as his fingers. The right foot as seen under the table seems to belong to the left leg, and that he is a cross-eyed man you can see at a glance. If you paid over a dollar for that daub, you''— “Over a dollar! Daub!” bs almost shrieked as he waved his arms around. ‘“Woman, ascerd to your room! By the great horn spoun, but I feel like boxing your ears! Move! Get up stairs!” Mrs. Bowser moved, and the cat was 8o tickled that she rolled over and over and seemed to choke. As Mr. Bowser stood there he would have made a great plcture of “Indignation Let Loose,” but before he could swear over five times the doorbell rang, and he‘admitted his neigh- bor, who wanted to borrow a hammer. “Been buying an old master, eh?" quer- “Oh, yes. Then De Rubini was a great “T..e greatest on earth and probably the This is one of “But what are you doing with a price- Bowser, did you never hear of as a man being hard up. “Mrs. This happens to be a case of it. “Only a datb done by some house painter and fixed up to look ancient. Dear at a dollar. De Rubini probably lives in a garret and eats garlic. But hang her up, old boy, and give the hens a show. Bring your hammer back to-mor- row.” ? Mr. Bowser walked around with a smile t there was fun ahead. “Well7' quetied Mr. Bowser as he Mrs. Bowser was listening over the bai- stopped short. uster. When the door shut behind the “You want to know what I think?' neighbor she heard that picture come off slowly replied Mrs. Bowser. “Well, I the chair. She heard Mr. Bowser kick the ROOM! canvas out of it; she heard him rip and cuss #hd kick the old frame to pieces, while the cat scurried around the room to dodge the fragments. Then came the silence of the grave, and she tiptoed into her bedroom and left the man below to struggle with his feelings. Emmmmes—s—— “That friend of mine in the asphalt business had a horrible dream the other night. He dreamed he had worked through a contract to pave the main street in sheol. In his joy over getting it he was foolish enough to guarantee to keep the roadway in repair for a year. He sent down his best men to lay the stuff and it was soon down and approved and the warrants drawn for its payment.” “Yes.” “And then one day Satan sent for him in a terrible hurry. He hustled down and what do you suppose? Why, they'd just had a batch of new arrivals, legislators and councilmen, and in warming things up for them they had rushed the temper- never saw such a shacklety old frame on a picture.” “Shacklety!” gasped Mr. Bowser. “From my point of view the drawing is amateurish and stiff, the coloring poor, and it's a portrait that ‘the great De I don't want to hurt your feelings, but”— “Darn my feelings!"” thundered Mr. Bowser as he jumped up and down, with “Woman, do yeu know “I'm criticlzing the portralt.” “You criticizing—you! Madam, how “The chevalier of Milan,” she went on, @it Flefelelefeloieloleleiol deleisiviimioiotped oot g [r. A. Esop’s Fables Up to Date. ; £ YOUTH who possessed No A Dough loved a Fair Maid who looked angelic and Chewed Gum. “Behold!” said the Plunkless Youth, “I am Poor and unable to sup- port thee in the way to which thou hast been accustomed!” . But the Maid Looked Soulful and Wreathed her Snowy Arms Around his neck, saying: “Nay, George! but that cutteth No Ice! for we will live on Love!” and she sighed Warmly into his Shirt ‘Waist, and the Love Light from her Eyes lit up the Room until the Are Light blushed and Went Out. ~ Now this Youth was much In Love, yet had he left a Little Sense, where- fore he shook his Head, saying: T Man cannot live on Love alone! Neither can a Maiden thrive and wax fat on kisses and Love Light and Soulful Sighs. Yea, verily! the Warm Hug maketh the heart Glad, but the Meek Spud and the Gory Steak put- teth Fat upon the Ribs and maketh ‘Warm Blood to feed the Rosy Blush! Behold, now, I will arise and go forth into the World to Seek Wealth whils thou stayest at Home to Sigh for my Return!” So the Youth arose and girded up his loins and traveled into a Far Country: yea, even unto the land of Hardscrabble which lieth in the Are- tic Circle, over against the North Pole. And he scratched the Frozen Earth Many Days, taking therefrom Much Gold. And he ate Sour Dough mean- while 2nd Boiled Beans. Also ks sharpened his Testh with the Frozen Fish of that country and chased divers and Many Wild Creatures B e o 20 2020 3 2 T a2 e 2 2 he Door Youmg Man WRO Loved the Maiden Fair. (Copyright, 1901, by A. J. Moore.) through the tangled Jungles of his Long Hair. And it came to pass at the end of Three Years that the Young Man said within himself: “Lo! now have I Much Wealth. ‘Wherefore I will go back and inves: the Whole Wad in Love, for of a % [ IEEENERRT ] N Ass who possessed a great A sense of Humor once sought to play a Joke upon the Other Animals. For it so happened that the Ass found a Moth-eaten Lion’s Skin upon the Highway and took it home with him, saying: “Hee haw, haw, haw! Lo! I will have some fun with the Boys!” ‘Wherefore, at the Going Down of the Sun he put on the Lion’s Skin end sought out the Cave wherein the Lion and the Sly Fox were ru:inlng a Blind Pig. “Wur-r-roo-00!” roared the Ass in a mighty voice: and all the Animals did the Hot Foot—all save the Lion, who was ashamed to Bun, and the Sly Fox who Saw Through tha Ass’ Graft. “Ho ho!” laughed the Sly Fox. “Thou art no Lion—theu are but a Silly Ass!” “Hee haw!” brayed the “but was it not a Warm Joke?” Then did the Lion Rise Up and was wroth (for of a truth he had been scared). “I'll show thee a better Joke!” roared he. “Behold! it is now My Cue to lay hold of thee and Crack thy Vertebra!” and he made to carry out the Programme according to Hoyle. Now it was so that this Ass was born in Texas. Wherefore he handed the Surprised Lion a Double-Handed Cross Wallop and Broke his Ribs. Also he presented the King of Beasts with four Upper-Cuts, a Scissors Punch, seven Jabs and a Solar-Plex- us, all in the space of Ten Seconds, doubling the Lion up like a Bath Towel and putting him forever out of the Game. “Thou wert not up to Snuff!” said the Aggrieved Ass. ‘“Wottest thou oo Truth the Word Soundeth Good to Mel” So he arose and got back to the land of his Fathers. And he did shave his Features and cut his Haix end Wash his Face for the First Timo in Many Mogns. “For now do I not live in the land of the Siwash,” thought he, “where the Standard of Beauty is a Bristly Face that hath been modeled on a sides of Bacon,” and he went forth to camp on the Trail of his Sweet Thing. But when he was come to the Fair Maiden’s House, behold! he found her possessed - of a Husband and Twp Children. Then did the Poor Youth beat his breast and tear his hair and Lament bitterly. Also he rent his New Clothes and cast Dust upon his head. “Alas!” he cried, “for three chilly years have I worked for thee, and lo! in a few Short Weeks thou hadst For- gotten Me!” and he wept and Cursed Exceeding Hard. “Thou wert so Far Away!” wailed the Sweet Thing. “But wert thou really true to me all those Long Years?” Then did the Youth scratch his head and Look Sheepish. “0f a Truth,” he grinned, “it is an Even Break, for verily, I was lonely and I married a Squaw!” Moral: Love is a stréam and run- neth to one sea as well as to another. Second Moral: “When thou leavesr thy Sweetheart and goest into a Far Country do thou cop out Another Darling if thou wantest to Break Even with events at Home. Third Bunch: Love is a live coal. but if thou cease blowing it goeth out. Ass, editorial I ran o poem, paper only, Standard and Times. ature to 420 Fahrenheit—and every blessed scrap of that into the sewe: halt had meited and run —Cleveland Plain Dealer. Poet—I left a poem here the other day. Do you think you can use it? Editor—I have already. It came in so handy, I simply had to. Poet (gasping joyfully)—Ah! Editor—While I was writing my last of copy paper: your being written on one stde of the just helped me out.—Catholic Mrs. Jones (reading)—People who make It was either starve ard freeze or sell, ied the caller as he looked at the pleture. g:ch;;d&;gairmflw R I o€ e and the owner of this gem decided to ell. ‘“‘Say, Bowser, you must have wanted 8 “yp Jones No: but I know the poor 1 didn’t care to buy till I had a tremend- Picture for the hencoop. chap who falls a victim to their match- ous bargain hurled at me. I won't say ex- “W-why 7" making usually gets it in the neck.—Judge. “You see that prosperous looking man over there? chance of becoming rich I “How did it happen?" “He refused to let me marry his daugh- ter."—Detroit Free Press He robbed me of the best ever had.” o'clock . you'd make the frozen custard for dessert In that five-minute icecream freezer.—Phila~ delphia Press. “Never did have any luck,” complained St _Engrone. “I'm always left out in the cofd.” - “Never mind,” replied Job Scumiter, “you won't be in the next world."—Phila~ delphia Press. First Duck—1I think that young drake is very stupid. BSecond Duck—Oh, yes! He doesn’t know enough to stay out when it rains.—Puck. Lady—Oh, how dirty your face is, little boy. Boy—Yes'm; we hain’t had no company for more’'n a week.—Judge. There are now In operation in Ttaly in the cotton industry over 20,000 looms and more than 3,000,000 spindles. Italian-made cotton g0ods are now largely exported, es- pecially to South America. — The RAss in the Lion™s Skin. rot that in the Twentieth Century the Joker is King of the Deck?” Then he kicked the Sly Fox through the Sky-Light for Luck and Went his Way humming a Gay Tune. Moral: When the Joker is a Husky Guy it is better to laugh than to Get Mad at his Jokes. Second Bunch: Aesop Meant Well; but of a Truth he wotted not the Hind Leg of the Demure Ass. The Theme: Never Get Gay with a man merely because he looks lika a Fool.