The San Francisco Call. Newspaper, October 28, 1900, Page 3

THE SUNDAY CALL. An Sxpensive Ueal.— “l mever sit down te a good dinner,” sard the cld magician with a reminescent smile. “but T think of the expensive meal that T once induiged Im out West. It was during the political excitement of‘ four ycars ago. | was making a tour uf’ the West, and one day while traveling 1| was olliged to stop at a farm and ask | the ¢ld man who owned it if he w‘nuld! be kind enough to let me have something | to ca', as 1t would be several hours be- fore T would reach a hotel. “ ‘Come right in,’ said he. gen‘ally. ‘We ain’t got mucl but I guess we can cook ¥e v» a snack.’ “The political excitement was runnirg high at that time, and | soon found that | the old man was a wild-eyed defender of | the silver faith. amd he talked of noth- ing cise while T was eating. Thinking to have a little fun with him. I pretend- | ed to find a five-dcllar gold piece in the | bacen. which T put in my mouth and went throvweh the motion of swallowirg. | “Much to my surprise, the finding of the | gold did not excite the cid man a bit, so I picked out another gcid piece and put that in my mouth. I took seven five- @ollar gold pieces out of that bacon., one after another, and he never so much as lifted an eyelid, and 1 gave up trying to amuse myself at his expense “*“How much do I owe you? I woen | was through. “*“lairty-five doltars an’ eents,” he answered calmly. ““What? I shouted "~ amazement. *“ *That's what,’ he e~imly replied, as he fingered his gun. ‘Bacon. twenty-fiv_e cents; seven gold bugs at $ a bug, %35 Hit's a condition. not a theory, thet con- fronts ye.” “I paid it, for the old man would net | listen to reason or the explanation that I offered, and he had a way of handling | asked twentv-five his gun that positively made me | nervous.” —Detreoit Free Press. ———llP HIS NATURAL CONCLUSION. There was a loud, hissing ..oise. The heavens were brilliantly liehted. The man | with the crimson.coat and the long leather bag stopped and looked upward. He saw what seemed to be a ball of fire coming direetly toward him, ieaving a long red streak behind it | Before he could move out of his tracks | he heard the object strike thke earth a | few feet awav and after a short search | he found a gravish bali perhaps an inch | and a ha'f in diameter. He stoed for a moment gazing thoughtfully down at it | Then he raised his hat, scratched his head solemnly and said: “Holy St. Andrew! What a drive that was' T wonder if they rlav golf on Mars, too?" —Chicago Times-Herald. REVENGE OF THE CRITIC. “I'd like to interview him with a club!” ex~laimed the novelist angrily. “Why. 1 thought he spoke in the high- | est terms of your book.,” re turned the friend “Highest terms!” cried the novelist. “The scoundrel did the best he ecould to kill it. Why. there was a book designed | for summer resort reading. It was pub- lished just at the right time, advertised extensiveiy. and there was every promise of an enormous sale when this fellow published a criticism in which he said there was not a word. scene or Incident in the whole volume to which even the mest fastidious Puritan could object. Oh, his malignity is simply past comprehen- sion.”"—Chicago Post. REASONING FROM ANALOGY. Freddy is the son of a Fourth avenus stock broker, vou will understand, and is thercfore familiar with somz of the terms | cf the profession. “Papa.” said Freddy. “Well, my son.” “Is there such a worm as a hookworm?” | “There is such a creature, Freddy. but it is very rare. The term bookworm, how- ever. is applied to a persen who is con- | tinually poring over books.” “And papa!” “Well?™ “Is a man who is always poring over th= | ticker a tapeworm?”—Pittsburg Chronicle. | WHEN MERCURY WENT DOWN. Vulcan was Jlaughing immoderately, when Jupiter inquired the reason for his hi'arity. “T just dropped a thunder peal out there | on a cloud and Mercury slipped on it,” | chuckled Vulcan. Where would Vulean's playfuiness have ended had there been a banana tree in the Garden of Elysium?—Baltimore Amer- ican. e e WHY AIM WITH ONE EYE. Joskins—I say, old boy, this is my first day at shootin’. You mught tell me in con- fidence what people shut one eye for when they’'re sightin’ anything. Hoskins—Oh, that's perfectly simple, 1 } | | | | ® mypdear fellow. You see, if they were to { shut both eyes they wouldn't be able to see anything. —Pick-Me-Up. A STICKLER, AS FROM THE HEART. ed these lines: The boast of heraldry, the pomp of power, And all that beauty, all that wealth ¢'er gave, Awailt alike the inevitable howur. The paths of glory lead but to the grave. Then, with tears in her eyes, she turned to her entourage and said: “Do you know I would rather be the author of that verse than to get up an | absolutely new filling for the sandwiches I shaill serve at my § o'clock to-morrow.” This seemed ificredible, and yet she al spoke as from the heart.—Detroit Journal. DOWN ON CHINESE FASHIONS. “He said he wouldn’'t imperil his coun- “What is Bessie shrieking about?* try’s destiny by becoming President on “Oh, nurse plaited her hair in a pigtail the thirteenth ticket in the field.”--Indian- gnd she won’t have it.”"—Indianapolis apolis Journal. Journal. - “We tried to get the prima donma to sing at our little concert on shipboard, but she positively refused.” *“Stubborn, eh ™" “No, not exactly. She said she might not be too good for ten-twenty-thirty, but she’d be hanged if she wasn't too good to perform under canvas.”—Indianapolis Press. PATRIOTIC SUPERSTITION. “That eandidate backed out wouldn’t accept his nomination.” *“What alled him?” an o. THE BUTCHER'S MISHAP. With much intensity the woman repeat- He came in breathlessly, hurrying like one who bore important news. “A butcher in the market dropped sixty feet!” he exclaimed. “Is he dead? How did it happen? Tei! us about it.” “No. he isn’t hurt a bit.” *““That’s remarkable.” “They were pigs" feet.”—Pittsburg Chronicle-Telegraph. INTERRUPTED. “Eliza, you'll never again get me out at 4 o’clock to cut the grass.” “David, I wanted you to do it before it got hot.” p “Well, Eliza, it got hot In just three minutes. I hadn’t cut five strokes be- fore the people on both sides of us threw two bird cages and four alarm clocks at me.””"—Detroit Free Press. A Close Call. A young bachelor met a friend—n mar- ried man—and poured out his tale of woe in something like this: e “I say, old chap. I'm up against #t. To- morrow is the birthday of my best girl and, of course, 1 waat to make her some sort of present. To tell you the truth, I have premised her a gold belt buckle t.lut; she fancies, but the darned thing costs $25, and all the money I can rake ind serape just now is a besggarly $19. Now, if you'll let me have the other $15 I'll hand it back The marrfed man was not flush Himseit just then, but as he knew his friend was all right and really wished to do him a favor he said: “I1 haven't the money about me, but ['ll tell you what 'l do. 1 have an account 1at Blank's jewelry shop. Let’s go down | there and see the bucklie. I'll puy it and have it eharged to my account apd you can hand me the $25 any time nelore the first of the month. when the bill wi'l be rendered.”’ This scheme worked to a charm.. The young man with the “best girl” was de- lighted and the buckle was carried off in triumph. That would have been the end of the episode, doubtless, had not the wife of the lender got hold of the bili during the absence of her husband on a business trip. Judge of his consternation upon re- ceiving a telegram in thesc words: “Come home at once. 1 know all.” Taking the fast train, he reached the eity, took a cab te ride home and, dashing upstairs three steps at a time: he entered hi: bedroom and found his wife in tears while engaged in packing her trunk. “You wicked, deceitful wretch!”” she ex- claimea between sobs. “Who would have believed that you would have deceived me in this way? I am going home to m-—-mo —ther. 1 wi—wi—wish I had ne—nev— never leit her at all—boo-hoo-heo."” “‘Decei v you!” cried the frantic and be- wildered. husband; “what do you mean? Who, wlat—why, I never heard of you in | my life.” “*Oh, ybu needn’t stand there and try to lie out of it! I know all! I know all about the hussy! Look, here is the bill for the gold belt buckle you bought her! To think that it should ever come to th— this—beo-heo-heo." Then foliowed the copious tears and sobs. When the wife’s grief had about spent itself in tears, the husband got an opportunity to explain, but it took re- markable eloquence and an abundance of caresses to straighten matters out. “But wasn't it a narrow escape””’ said he as he detailed the story. “Everything was against me. It had a suspicious 100k, '(-enainly. After this, when a friend { wants an aceommodation he gets it in ccol cash, if 1 have to go out and borrow it.”’—-Cincinnati Enquirer. e ’ THE PRACTICAL SIDE OF IT. “There is so little money in literature.” said the wife, “that I think you would be wise to choose some other profession. l\\'hy. the man who runs the ice wagon makes more than you do, the butcher goes {out driving every Sunday, the baker ivuars a beaver and a linen collar and the | real estate man has three diamonds in a iwhilp shirt, to say ncthing of the coal 1 i | - e e e e e e e —————— e e man, who goes to sleep in church on a velvet sends!” “But—Molly, think of genius: what am {1 to do with that?” | “The Lord only knows, John! But hov i nice it would be if you could only split it !imo kindling wood at so mucn a cord or swap it off for a barrel of flour and a sugar-cured ham!”—Atlanta Constitution. IN DOUBT. pillow every Sunday the Lord “How is my son getting on?’ inquired the bey’s father. “I can’t speak as approvingly as I'd likas t0,” answered the instructor. “Whenever I ask him a question he wants at least a day to lcok up the answer, and when he gets it it is usually unsatisfactory.” ‘“Well,”” answered the parent, with a sigh,” time alone can tell. I suppose he will turn out to be either a great diplo- mat or no good on earth.”—Washington Star. A TRIFLE TOO Ij TOO GOOD. Chappie—1 umbrella, Dealer—Umbrella, sir; yes, sir. something just out, sir—$10. Chappie—Oh, not that kind. I've got one of that kind, don't you know. I want something to use when it wains, don’t you know.—New York Weekly. wish to—aw—purchkase an Here is ; A HEATHEN OQUTBURST. Polly—I wouldn't mind being the Em- press Dowager. Dolly—-Why, Polly! Polly—Indeed, 1 wouldn’t! When her frocks don’t suit she can chop her dress- maker’'s head off.—Detroit Free Press. SHE HAILED. "Iz'oes that young woman hail from Bos- % g 2 ‘“Yes,” answered the vouth, thoughtful- ly, “that expresses the idea precisely. She hails from Boston. 1 was never before overtaken by such a heavy downfall of intellectual ice.”—Washirngton Star. NOT YET DECIDED., “Er—I want some sort of a present for a young lady.” “Sweetheart or sister?” “Er—why—she hasn’'t said which she will be yet.”"—Pittsburg Dispatch. MONEY THROWN AWAY. “But why,” asked the amatour Anarcha ist, for the twentieth time, “why do we need any law at all?” “Law,” said the flippant person, ‘‘is necessary for the con- servation of our own property and other pecple’s morals.””—Indianapolis Press.