The San Francisco Call. Newspaper, September 2, 1900, Page 6

6 Jried . the JSuspicion Cure. “I would be quite happy if my husband would ‘not spend so much of his time at - ‘ his’ club,” said Mrs. Jones, with a sigh. “Why ‘don’t you {ry the suspicion cure"' G - said her intimaté friend. { - “What in the name of Susan B.. Anthony fs the suspicion cure"" asked l(rs Jones in. amazement. “Well, my husbnnd got in the hablt of . spending - his' evenings at his club; and- I worried over it for some time before 1 hit upon a plan to keep him at home. At first I pleaded with him, telling him how lonely 1 was at home when he was away, but hé would only laugh and promise to be . ‘home early, which meant mldnlgnt g “Then . I changed my. tacties. In- - - - _ stead of asking him to remain at home. ; I urged him .to go to his club. The way - ‘he raised his eyebrows the first time I~ - : suggested it showed mé 1 was on the : later. right track and I resolved to- keep it up. ~*'One night when ‘he came home for din- ner he announced that-he had 'a Severe : headache and would remain home for the -k opposed the idea and pointed out that an “evening at his’ club “‘would evening. © cause hlm tu forget his headache ana d> it good. He gave me a hard look, but . acted on the suggestion and left for his club. Something toid me that he would le back within an hour, so I made ‘an‘ elaborate toilet and waited for him to return. He came home as I expected, with the plea that his head was worse and that he couldn't stand the noise at the c¢lub. 1 condoled. with him and ignored his - question concerning my elaborate toilet. He hasn’t been away for an even- ing since, It is almost like the old honey- moon, only he appears to have something on his mind that hé is not entirely satis- fied about.”—Detroit Free Press. METAMORPHOSIS. Mrs. Wiggles—Before Mr. Wiggles mar- ried me he used to say I was a duck. Mrs. Waggles—And you were goose enough to belleve him, I suppose. * Mrs. Wiggles (sobbingly)—Y-yes! And only y-yesterday he re-f-fferred to m-me as an old h-b-hen.—Somerville Journal, AN EXCUSE. ‘“‘She has been divorced three times,” said the Boardwalk gossip. “But,"” remonstrated the Chicago lad> who had not caught the drift of the con- versation, “‘perhaps she did noet marry un- til. late in life.”’—Philadelphia North American. JUST THE THING. “I've a song here that I think will do.” *Is there any sense in it?” “Not a particle.” “Is there any tune in it?"” “Not a morsel.” “Leave it. If it answers your descrip- tion it will turn out a gold mine.” —— ~THE SUNDAY CALL. SOLVING THE PROBLEM. “] was wondering how 1'd get over without climbing.” B T AT AT H TS AR TR ST TS A SRS TS SR ST 3 NOT SO--FUNNY. “No, Harry, I'am sure we could not be happy- together; you know I always want my own way in everything.” “But, darling, you could go on wanting it after we were married.”—Broeklyn Life, [ J ‘Q—¥‘Q—¥Q¥@¥NQ¥M¥O¥Q¥@*Q¥’}¥@¥<Z>¥Q—¥’C> o VERY SHOCKING Cholly—Yes, Miss Cutting, death actually smred me in the face, doncherknow. Miss € utting—flnw awfully rude of it! O T KRR HIS GREAT CHANCE. Harry-—It-was kind of you, old féellow, to lack after my girl while'l was away. How can I ever repay you? Fred—Well, 1 still.owe the livery -stable ~wman.—-Smart Set. NO USE TO WORRY. Bessie—I don't know whether I shall ace gept. Jack Goodeatch or net. Flora—Well, don't worry -about. it; dear. Jack knows vou-will—Smart Set. S1ZE. NO ADVANTAGE. Marcia lsi;:hing)~}{ow-lllttle men under= gtand women! Shortleigh (bitterly)—They don’t under- stand (hem any better than big . ones.— €ruart Set. CAUSE FOR THANKFULNESS. A brief note from a Billville district feads: “Our son John Fas came home from the Philistines. an a furlough and - one. -leg. 'the latter means A pension for life— thank the Lord.”—Atlanta Constitution. MENTAL "!‘n“h IN JULY. “you are very quil;t to-night, Chare totte.” “Ye¢s: T have read something to-day, and 1 wanted 1o talk to you about it, but 1 can’t think what it was."'—Chicago Rec- ord st ‘l"‘“’ W HIS CONDIMENT. Mrs. Starvem—Will you have some milk and sugar in your tea? Grimshaw—If you please, madam; just a little drop of water and a little grain of sand.—Town Topics. POET'S LOVE Tess—Young Aster, the seem so fond of Dora since c¢ousin May. Jess—No: Tt's much easier to write son- nets to May; ‘there are many more rhymes for hér name.—Philadelphia Press. EVEN IN THE DAYS OF YORE. “YWhere is the electrician?’ yelled Noah, as he groped his way toward the engine room. ~Thus, even in the days of yore was there ‘much commotion when the arc lights went out.—Brooklyn Life. poet, doesn't he met her SO POLITICS FOR THE REPUBLICAN FIRESIDE. “John, if Bryan is elected how will this 16 to 1 affect us?”’ “Exactly this way, Caroline—when you ask me for money and expect $16, you'll get $1.”"—Indianapolis Journal. HEADING OFF AN INSULT “From Kentucky, eh"' said the hotel clerk, smilingly. “Yes, suh,” replied the man who had just registered “but—"" and there was a dangerous gleam in his eye—"“I'm not a membah, sah, of the legislatuah, sah.” The Smart Set. DIDN'T AFFECT HIM. “How insignificant one feeis in the face of these majestic mountains, nature's handiwork.” “Insignificant! Well, sir, I should like to have you know that I have $000 in my pocket this minute!”—Stray Stories. SETATASASADH DA TR TR S A SRR A TR ARSI RD R B T R p Ml \\8 ‘\1\\\ K1) |“ v SHE KNEW. Was Juperior in Vowels. A few days ago there were dining in one of the restaurants of the city a Frenchman, a German, an Itallan, a couple of Mexicans and a Scotchman. The conversation turned upon the comparative beauty of language. Each one of the party contended that his own language was the supericr of all others. Saundy scratched his head for a mo- ment, as though reflecting deeply, then he satd: **Ah, weel, I dinna ken but wha’ yee'll be baith richt, for ye ocht to ken yer alne langwidge weel. But when it comes to talkin' o’ vowel sounds, A din- na ken ony langwidge that ken coom 00D to thae Scotch. A'll jist give Ye weea story that illusthrates wha' A wad tell ye. ““A mon ance went into a store im Dun- kirk an’ catched a plece o cloth atween his fingers an’ his thumb an’ he said Lo the storekeeper: “And the storekeeper sald: “‘Aw . 00? said the mon. “‘Ay, aw 00, answered the starekeeper. “‘Aw a 007" asked the mon. *“‘Ay, aw a 00, said the storekeeper. ‘“There’'s a complete business transac- tion carried on wi'out the use o' a single consonant soond. A dinna ken if either Italian or Spanish or any ither langwidge can equal thot.” The above story, as told by the Scotch- man, is here given with the representa- tion of the sounds of the words, in prefer- ence of the Scotch spelling, which might not be familiar to some of the readers. The translation of the conversation which took place between the merchant and his customer is as follows: “Wool (00)7" “Yes, woel (ay, oe).” “All wool (ow, 00)7" *“Yes, all wool (ay, aw o00).* “All one woel (aw a 00)7" “Yes, all one wool (ay, aw a 00)." ‘Ay, oo. B TETATIA TSRO TSTR QP PHOTOGRAPHIC TALK. Summer Girl-Do you think you caa take a good picture of me? Camera Cholly—I'm afraid I must an- swer you in the negative. B A S S SR He—What do vou think of tke idea of adopting the sunflower as the national flower? She—It’s typical of quite a numerous class of Americans. It makes a big soread all summer and is seedy in the fall