The San Francisco Call. Newspaper, September 2, 1900, Page 2

et S e e HNau ical Conundrums. “Can any of you teii me when a ship may be said to be in love?” asked the jocular captain. o “I can.” calied out Jemkins. . “It’s when she wants to be mannea.” ——— -~ “Just missed it,” quoth the-. captaim : "“Try again. Who'll ne the next?”’ ™. “I will,” responded Joe.. “It's whnen she wants a mate.” “Not correct,” replied the captain. *"Fhe" question is still open.” 4 “When she's tender to a man-of-war,” - suggested Lieutenant Joneg, regarding his boot as he spoke. ’ ; “Everything but correet,”” responded the cantain. . “When she's struck by a heavy swell,” suggested Cornie. ‘“No, ne,” said hurry up!” “When she makes’ much of a fast sail- cor.” cried Simpkins. was a the captain. ‘“Come, Here there great groan, and Simpkins narrowly escaped being thrown out of the window. When peace was restored the captain said: “You might have answered, “When she hugs the wind,” or “When she runs down after a smack,’ or ‘When she's after a consort,” but none of them would have been right. The real answer is, ‘When she’s attached to a buoy.’ ”’-—The Grip- sack. ORDERING BY THE CARD, Diner (to restaurant waiter)—What have you got for dinner? Waiter —Roast becffricasseedchicken- stewedlambhashbakedandfried potatoes puddingmilkteaandcoffee Dinner—Give me the third, fourth, fifth, sixth, eighteenth and nineteenth syllables. —Tit-Bits. TO BE EXPECTED THERE. St. Peter shook his head doubtfully. ““This record,” he said, ‘‘shows that yvou have been in the habit of using profane language.” “But only on the golf links,” urged the applicant for admission.—Chicago Post. WHAT HE GOT. “Pardon me,” said the suitor, as he picked himself up at the bottom of the front steps, “but there seems to have been a misunderstanding somewhere. I asked for your daughter's hand, and I have received your foot.” —-Chicago Post. THE SUNDAY CALL. UP TO His Wife—What does this mean, sir? man DATE. You have lost your coat and vest! Mr. Upside Down—Never more mistakin your life, m'dear. I'm new shirtwaist B T A THA T AT AT A T AT AT AT AT <> T TSHTSH TSR AP HORSE BUYING. Parke—They say a horse has every dis- ease that a human being has. Do you be- lieve it? Jane—1 know it. I bought one from a friend recently.—London Tit-Bits. S XY T AT F R TE L F ISR N TR TR R RTHFS RO A PRACTICAL ILLUSTRATION, Hungry Haphazard—Lemme show vyou talk intelligently on the present campaign. Uncle Q. Kumber—Wall, by gum! Tha goose quill! UGLY LITTLE THING. Friend—Everybody says the baby looks like you; doesn’'t that please you? Mr. Newpop—Oh, 1 don’t know; but I tell you what, I'm gliad nobody thinks of saying I look like the baby.—Standard and Times. BOY'S PUNISHMENT. “What are you reading, Max?” “Papa’s poems.” “Have you been naughty agaln?’—Flie- gende Blaetter- how expansion works, and then you can Jest invite me in to dinner. L t beats blowin’' up a hog's bladder with T'm fur keepin’ them Philippines! ¢ : O AT AT H AT AT AT AT AT A DHD kAR OASEH RGP QUITE LIBERAL. She (pensively)—Do you believe in the transmigration of souls? He (thinking of his dinner)--I don’t know; I like the old way of serving them up—fried with anchovy sauce best—don’t you?—I'un, ALWAYS THERE. Quericus—I suppose you had plenty of fresh things at the summer hotel? ‘“Yes; paint and college-bred waiters,” —Town Topics. READS THE PARTY PAPERS. “Why, Clara, dear, what has happened” It is not a month since ycur marriage. and I find you sighing and moping al- ready.” “Ah, Hilda, darling! George is standing as member for the county, vou knmew, and I’ve only just learned form the oppesition what a really dreadfut man I've mar- ried!"—Exchange. HIS INTENTIONS. “Papa thinks,” she said. shyly, “that it is .about time you were declaring your intentions.” “Tell the old gentleman,” he replied, “that I love you too much to marry you.” ~Philadelphia North American. ALWAYS IN SEASON. “Oysters are out of season, I believe?” said the puffy party. *“Yes,” replied the head waiter, glancing across at the dude who was dining a sou- brette, ‘“‘this is the lobster season.”— Philadelphia North American NOT LISTED. Wiggs—Professor Searcher has just re- turned from Rome, I hear. Has he brought many antiquities with him? Waggs—Only his bride. WHEN IT IS USEFUL. Phis engine won't work,"” said a fire- " man to the chief of the fire department. “Nc wonder,” was the reply; made to play.”—London Tit-Bits. P TR T A TR TR TR AT AR “it was COUNT THE Not Under Mm'tgage.— It came out as I journeyed on horseback through Dakota that almost every set- tler's land was under mortgage, and one day when 1 came upon a pioneer seated on the grass by the roadside with a troubled lock on his face I asked him if it was the mortgage he was worrying about, “Wuss than that, stragner,” he replied, as he looked up wearily. “Sickness or death in the family?”’ “Wuss than that.” “Then it must be “*a calamity indeed You didn’'t lose family and home by a prairie fire?” s “Nope, but you are right about it's be- ing a ecalamity. I've been tryin’ to think of that word for two hours past. Yes, sir, you can put it down as an awful ca- lamity.” : “But won't you explain,” I persisted “1 will, sir. Thar was a mortgage on the claim, 2nd 1 was feelin’ as big as any of my neighbors and takin® things easy when my wife was left $600. Stranger, dare I tell you what she did with that money 7"’ “She didn't lose it?"” “No, sir. She just paid that mortgage, bought two horses and a plow, and this mornin’ 1 was bounced out of my own cabin bekase 1 wouldn't peel off my _cont. and go to work! Yes, sir, you are right. It's a calamity—a calamity that's landed me on the outside, and between my durn- ed pride and her blamed spunlg SOm'\'- body’ll be eatin’ grass afore Saturday night!” 0 AT A TR AR AR @ == One—I say. mister, what'll to dig an artesian well up at you chaig our housc? © Ak xk O'ERWISE The b SoES SN SN gy FOR HIS AGE. Teacher—In what age was it that mat. ters in dispute were settled by single eom- bat? 1 Wise Scholar—Never, sir. People don’'t have combats when they're single; it's only after they're married.—Boston Cour- ier. AN ASSUMPTION. He—8he is living under an assumed name. She—Horrible! What is it? He—The one she assumed immediately after her husband married her.—London Tit-Bits. “My wife,” boasted the happy young Benedick, ‘“‘is an open book to me.” “Mine, too,” declared the old married man, I ean’t shut her up.”—Philadelphia Press. TR T o TR TSR TR T AOSE W APOLOGIES TO McKINLEYS,