The San Francisco Call. Newspaper, July 29, 1900, Page 6

THE SUNDAY CALL. MIDSUMMER We in the city yearn for this. e‘Q,*’\“y*@*w*\‘}*@*\“f*Q‘*@*@*@*@*Q*Q*@*@mwg;wg# SR TS BB TS TS Tat Ta T T T Sae Jhe Jocial Status of Yaphank. “What kind of a town have you here, my friend?"’ asked a summer resort tour- ist from the city, addressing a sour look- ing citizen of Yaphank who was sitting humped up and grunting in a chair on the porch of the tavern. “Aw, this is the place,”” was the acrid reply, ‘“‘where a couple of young idiots were married in a store window about a week ago, and also the place where the folks that think themselves society lead- ers play croquet in golf clothes; it’s the place where a magnetic healer is sum- mering for his health, and the handsom- est unmarried preacher in town stutters like a gosh-darned corn popper; where they ain't got through with that infernal twentieth century problem yet; where gentlemén of the 0ld school occasionally pull each other’'s noses for exercise; where we have ‘Uncle Tom's Cabin’ three times a year, and like it every time; where they have elected a postage stamp collector for Mayor, and where a re- formed life insurance agent regularly takes up collections in church. ‘““This is also the locality where Don’'t Worry 'most every session; where the leading undertaker is president of the Christian Science Coterie; where there have been enough gold bricks bought at different times by persons whe couldn’t afford such luxuries to build a monument; where a petrified man exhibition or a two-headed calf show is ecalled an entertainment; where an old man has demonstrated that the he can be hapoy though married to a girl | of nineteen; where there's a washing- O A TATAT R TSRS SAT @ HAULING PROMPTLY DONE. the Roxums do draw the long ! Don’t they make you smile when ey brag about their ‘ancestral halls’?"” “Yes, but there's ncthing about that.” “What?" “That's right—0Old Grandfather Rox- sum, who made the money for the family, was a teamster.—Philadelphia Press. HIS OPINION. “How Low Mr. Little's feet are unusually large. Davie noticed it. ‘“Mamma,” said he in a whisper, “Mr. Little would have been quite a tall man, wouldn't he, if the Lord hadn’t folded him so high up at the bot- o F e - A O COULD HE? WELL! ““Could you do the landlord of the ‘Lady of Lyons? ' asked the manager of a seedy actor. “Well, I should think I might. I have done a good many landlords.”"—Boston Traveier. WAR’'S HORRORS. ““General Buller took Almond’'s Nek, 1 presume,’” said the colonel, “by sending some of his crack regiments against it.” “Or perhaps he shelled it,”” suggested a. shocked hearer.—Chicago Tribune. A CLEW., “But the marriage which is not made in heaven, where is it made?” “I don’'t know, except that when such a marriage is contracted there's the devil to pay.”"—Puck. Club has a huir-pullinq‘ untruthful | | I l machine agent that writes poetry; where every fortune teller that comes reaps a rich harvest; where a man by the name of Jones spells it ‘Joughnes’ and isn't mobbed; where the swell young men have their photographs taken in the act of playin’ the mandolin; where they think checker playing is sport and where the | Board of Selectmen consists of a flying- machine inventor, a long-whiskered man who printed a pamphlet declaring that the world is flat, a horse doctor that lec- tures on theosophy at odd spells, and a former circus clown. “It’s the place, too. where— Look out! Confound it, young man; don't hit against that leg o' mine again! the rheumatism know when, and it hurts like the livin’ fury all the time. Wa-al, the foregoing are some of the peculiarities of this place. You can just figure it out for yourself what kind of a town it is. In my humble opinion Yaphank is the Indian word for | dumfoolery, but you can take it that way or any other, just as it suits you.”"—Tom P. Morgan in The Smart Set. ' P T A TP TSTAT A TR S A TSEH TS A ST O TRk Tk SR & L e 7 along | I've had | in it ever since I don't | DISSATISFACTION. We in the country yvearn for this. as Anxious io Meet Fim. A few minutes before the train from New York got into the station the other day a beautiful young creature to the man stationed at the exit gate and proceeded to hypnotize him. ‘“Will you please let me through?’ she said appealingly. | “Can't do it, miss; it's against { rules,” said the man at the gate. “But I do so want to meet him when he gets off,”” said the beautecus young the afternoon | in a new spring suit wafted herself over | | thing, looking into the man’'s face| searchingly with her imploring violet eyes. ‘““Ard he will be so disappointed if I am not right at the car to meet him when the train gets in. rustling her silk skirts nervously and | seeming to hang on the gateman's nod. | *“Weil, maybe I can take a chance,’”” said ! the gateman, and he pulled it open and admitted her. “S'pose she's only been married a little while,”” reflected the gateman, *“and her { husband’'s coming back after being away A COMPROMISE. Parson_\vhitelamb—Why. Willie, I'm very sorry to catch you stealing. I shall feel it my duty to inform your father, Willle--Yes, I'm sorry, too, Parson; 1 do. I'll divvy with vou if you won't tell dad. but, now I'm caught, I'll tell ye what What d'ye say? [ ! ‘“Please,” said the lovely young creature, | the first time since they were spliced, and s wants to hand him out the big hug before he’'s more'n lan from the car steps. Well, 1 guess we all have it that bad once in our lives, anyhow."” The train pulled in a couple ¢f minutes after. The young woman ran alongside the ggage car and the baggagemaster han her out a miserable little speci- men of a stueckup, hideous-muzzied pug dog, which she took in her arms and load- ed down with caresses. As she passed out of the exit gate with the pug in her arms she bestowed a be- witching smile upon the gateman Wash- ington Star —_———e———————— ADJOURNED BY REPORTERS. said the colonel Pana- “Well, that bumns me."” as he began fanning himself with a ma hat. “I know that the cheek of these newspaper reporters is always in full flower, but I didn't know that they as- sumed to legislate for the State.” “All I know,” asserted the Judge again, “that two newspaper reporters vd- Jjourned a session of the Illinois Senate.” “How'd they do it? Choke the Speaker once | with copy paper?” | | | reporter. “No; they were very civilized about it. { It was cne day when everybody expected » of us Senators ‘Dave’ a dull session, and orly tw put in an appearanece, counting Littler, who was in the chair. ‘ ‘I want to get an interview with Lit- tler when this thing’'s over,” said one newspaper man. ‘ ‘So do 1,” said the other. ‘I move that we adjourn,” he shouted at Littler. “ ‘I second the meotion,” said the first that we solemnly. seconded Littler and said is moved adjourn,’ g now | “Those in faver will signify it in the usual | in the pale greemn gown reclined in manner.’ “ *Ave,” shouted both of the reporters. “ ‘Carried,’” said Littler.”"—Chicago Int>r Ocean. mhed 2, FATAL FIGURE OF SPEECH, Third day out. The majestic ship, freighted with its priceless human cargo, rolled and pitched on the heaving bosom of the great deep. Still pallid and wan, but hopeful and feebly trying to smile, the young woman the steamer chair. It was her first day on deck. “Now, Clara,”” her business-like aunt said, bustling abowut, “you are so much better that you must try to think up something to amuse yourself with.™ “Think up something!”” moaned the poor girl. “Oh, auntie, what did you want to say that for?’ And she collapsed again.—Chicago Trib- une. THE OTHER LEG. Quigley—Did you ever have a man take your overcoat by mistake and leave a bet- ter one? Gibbs—No, but I've taken a better one by mistake and left my own.—New York Press. _SUPPLYING THE FACTS Common Person—Have you ever the talented Miss Bung? Great Author—No, never. Miss Bung has met me however.—Chicago Record. met The talented several times,