Omaha Daily Bee Newspaper, September 5, 1886, Page 11

LAUGHS 0N THE HALF SHELL A Trifle Over a Dozen Spiced for the Ocoasion. THE WOR A Varied Lhyme Assortment K OF THE WITS of Prose Mariar's Mishaps in and Heaven and the Senator's Dinner- Pointed Par- agraphs, Mariar in Heaven, M. S. Kimball tn Chicago Current. pa‘son’s ben preachin’ ‘bout heaven o 1is whe're outen the fold Bout gates made of jasper ani pearl, And streets paved with nuggets and gold Says the folks there are saints, or else angels Some piayin Low ite a T'o tunes whic a And T wonder and think of W ho left e How she tacke 1or she idn’t set by much displa: on harps with gold strings rtof accomp'ment h th' rest of ein sings, Mariar, a year azo May, sfoall of them fine fixin's She were humble and Shy-like a livin® As any with whom I'ni I reckon she doj When she Wihen she look And walks on Aint; 't ol or il n't feel to hium y ks with an an aint. at the amethyst fences, 1 the streets paved with eold, Don’t you s'pose there are times when she Tones for Tl The ol wrassy And the stif Don’t you thin there As the beauti lane in which me nd her strolled? Iane through the medder, where my comin'she'd wai k sne’d as lief have the stile fulest, pearly-hinged gate Aud the pond on the farm by the willers, Where she used to pick cat-tails and ilowers, Ruther than ha *Cause she ¢ Set me thinkin’ ve the big erystal ocean? tid love this old farii of ours in this way thismornin,” When I looked at her pansies and roses, And 1 couldn’t 'Stead of stay As for me, it's | So solemn lik That 'm longin “Tho, I reckon But it 1 should And could sit Why ! what wonld be nicer in | Than sittin’ longside of Mar n't orthydo: Sez the patsor And he fetehed Which was jit So 'm tryin’ to Go to meetin’ Aud her spirit | “Josiah, 1 gue Ha am, can y yer has no uso Help wishin' her with me, in’ up there long ‘ith Mo onesome “ithont her— ¢ round the old place, 1’ to die and go to her, I'm lacking of g be sent_down to down "ith her 1 other, he fire ven %, this way of talkin’, 1 to me t'other day e to his way o’ (hinkin st like Mariat s old way live t a8 she did— as she used ter do— hangs round me and wh 53 you'll pull thioug a No Use for It. er lend me a : for dollar that 1id Jim Webster to Sam Jolmsing. Certainly, commo a dollar. Jim was sc goetting the money that he bit th see if he was aw and in doing s fe of I his yere 1 didn’t thin I know e yer, it's counterfeit, Jim. Jim; I'se pleased to ac- Said Sam, handing Jim ) surprised at his luck in coin to ke or mercly dreaming, ) 'I iscovercd that the dollar is a counterfeit, Sam; I k you would do me that Yer asked me tur oae I had no use fur, an’ I giveitto yer. I'm always kind ter my triends.” § What He Got. “What 15 a contingent fee?” asked a litigant of a well Known attorney the other day. “Well,” suid the legalite, “if 1 take vour case and lose it I get nothing “Yes, yos; th S Butif 1 wir ing.” SHow's that stand you.” The attorne: ment, sested: If T unders: got anything. “Well, you know, that's but that is the fee. Shall 1 b say? No¥ W morning. ‘he still nonpulsed It hat’s all right.”” 1 that case you get noth- ? Idon’t think I under- calmly repeated his state- nt per- > 1 tand you, in neither e; not my fault, wming of a contingent ring suit? What do you cll, Tam very sorry. Good Not a Dude. tlemen,” > he said to the reporters, as the sheriff put the knot where it would do the most good, “‘will you grant me onel quest before 1 aie?” The reporters, to a man, said they would. “Then write me down as having been simply ‘hanged,” ‘not launched into cte! TI'm no dude.” among the yo ucst caused some consternation ung reporters, but they all Kept their word. A Bartender's Aim, “See he syou hav “True, was modestly edgewise, “tr n'ty into which I have It is years called out the barkeeper, sud for that drink!” replicd the gentleman, who retiring through the door i, Ldid not. It isa habit fallen 1 my advancing last infirmity of nobls the and acquisitive minds to absorb more than they give out.” So saying he the door just i resounding panels a bung starter s cunt “What prom ty,"said the lips with an zer, Lo tender must be o human » wently but hastily closed u time to receive upon its , lemon beer glasses and o de- aptness and what unanimj- ntlemanpausing to dry his absent euff, “That “bar- Dolly’s Little Lambs. “Mamma,’" the day, do you see little sheep aid little Dollie Pretzel, making love to each other?"’ “Yes, dear, see how aflec *‘Are those 1 mat" “Yes, I behe love.” “Do they mammat’ silly idea “You did, m 'replied Mrs. ionate the lambs are, ambs making love, mam- Pretzel, “1 rve they are plighting their light the street lamps, Why, no, my child, what put such a 0 your head” namima,” “Why, Dolly. 1 pever intimated such a thing. 4 , you did, mamma. You said those lumbs were' plighting their love, and they are they must be lam-phighters.” The Romance of a Summer Tour, Have you heard of Hannah, she who mas- tered the pi versant with the thingness of that here? She could danc course in le ano, and was thoroughly con- o the polka mazes and dis- arned phirases in a most pecul- far language that was startling to my ear; And she had a great devotion to the msthetie notion, wearing Lilies on her garments, and she mo And when she way she kept on talking, made me ved with languid grace, and 1 were walking, why the 1 50 densely common that a blush came to wy tace She had gained famous eastern colle; head and sl herds And the way plain people came togethes at least she absurd, In the ballroom she was moved along serencly, with ‘a haughty herwondronus knowledge at a , and she was a ioulders up above the common w alked of weather when med to her, sald 80, Wmost ungrateful and que nly, ana she way of snubbing peoplé who were not 50 learned. “T'hough I tried suubbed e her heart to soften, yet she » hard and often, and & raging thirst for vengeance in my manly bosora burned, ears passed on—at last T found her with a dozen peovle round her, but their looks we! them fell, And as I was quested, w! e not admiring, and'no praises from interested, information I re- hen they told me she was waiter in that secoud class hotel ! A Reckless Wish. *Oh, dear,” sighed Widow Jones, “‘if : THE OMAHA DAILY BEE: SU NDAY, John had only made a will, there wouldn’t _be all this trouble about the property Do the lawyers bother you?'’ “Bother me I'hey almost worry me to death. I declare, 1sometimes wish John hadn’t died.” | Wanted a Larger One for a Dollar. Thera is a new baby in Bangor, M It is a small one. I8 little five-year-old sister watehed it carefully for a fow min | ntes and then turned to the maternal | head of the family and smd: “‘Mamma, { conldn’t papa have paid another dollar angd got a larger one Almost Perfect. “Have you any offspring?” inquired the severd wired passenger, throngh his nose, of anger by his sule. Oh, yos was the polite re a son.” Al indeed! Doces he ns \eco “Never touchesit in any form “I'm glad to hearof that T'obaceo ¢ monstrously sinfui. Does be Indu'ge in spirituons liquors Never tasted a drop in his “Excellent, Stay out nights “No Never thinks of aftor supper I'm very much pleased to know, sir. ur son is a remarkable young man.’ “Oh, he's not a young man. He's a two months old baby life." sir going out Another Thing A Man Can't Do, A man will smoke and a man will eliew And at billiards he wilt play; But he hasn't the figure to Hubbard, Because e isn't built that way. The Greatest Effort of His Life. “What this country needs,” exclaimed Hon. Tim Campbell on the' last day of the recent congressional session, us he placed one hand melodramaticaily be tween his coat tails and pointed toward the seonstellation of Perseus with the other, “what this country needs,”™ he con tinued, vaguely, asin the admration of his attitude he lost the skein of his thot is—fewer men and more of them.” then he sat down amid a tumult sounded more like laughter than it like applause and the reporters pon over his lust remark till his head The Preacher's Dile A preacher, while offering a prayer He had not time to prepare, Got stuck in the middle And zave up the riddie And sat himself down in the chair, But the worshipers, save cight or ten, Still bowed; so he Jumped up azain And with self-indignation And muy ritation, dxceuse me,” he added, “Amen 1 Before and After. Washington Critic: “Frank," said the president, sharply, from behind his news- paper. “Here,” responded his wife, answering to her nume. “Lsee by this paper grapher got ar a mother ghts, “what this country necds—is— And that that sixty of your neg: "hat's correct.” “And another, seventeen® “Acenrate again,” she replied, count- ing on her fingers, “Seventy-seven in all, “You ure quite elever in addition, Gro- ver. Your mathematics has not been neglected, Tsee,and there was just a one photo: tives," ik little edge on the smile she gave him. “Permit me to remark, Mrs. Cleveland, that T don’t like it. It stri me as (ther too much of a good thing. “Ab, indeed v very Sarcasticallys well, suppose now, for instance, that' instead of giving these men seventy-seven nega- tives aft i . I had given 1 you, then “Um-um,”’ he granted, itehing s iin. “Um, Frances, I take it all back. You are the nt of the United States and I haven’t a word to say.” —~ Almost as Bad as One phone Girl's Tric Louisyille Courier-Journal: She f the Tele- stood her tongue and wve? Wil some ¢ t this business the grave: “Now, then, old corpse. just hold vour breath, while time the chance- affords. I've nearly tired myself to death, and snapped my voeal chords. “Please ‘give me Dr. Liver Pad—Oh, doctor is that you? My little boy is feel- ing bad; please tell me what to do. “He ate cucumbers, apples too, a most v.common lot, and now he’s turned a billious hue, and doubled in a knot “‘Besiaes”—Just then the central fiend witched to another wire, and then the ¢ that intervened dilled all her mine with irt It must have been some barrel man, with leaking casks to mend: here’s what she heard as he begun on the other end: “Hammer the head until it's tight; lighten the middle band; water will swell it up alt vight, if it's left to stand, “Apply a coat of piteh without, and when it starts to swell, you needn’t hay the slightest doubt but 'twill do very well.” You should have seen the doctor when the wires once more ran right, and madam got her wits again and riddled him with spite. “You nasty, nasty, horrid beast! Paint Johnny up’ with ‘piteh! You're cither mad or _tight, at least; I can't just tell whicn.” He stood aghast and wondering said: “Did you ever, now? A woman is the blamédest thing living anyhow,” s Dinner, Arkan It's only about twice ay rked State Senator William K lay to an nsaw Traveler reporter, “that I'm rt enough to fool my wife. Last Mon- day [ played a trick thut ought to serve as @ eapital snggestion for other hushands to conduct operations on. Along about 1 o’clock in the afternoon I began to got faint and I ungry;T had been working hard all day and was as famished and as fugged as a hunted wolf. As I sat in my office chair wondering what I was going to find when I got home, an entirely new and marvelously brilliant idea flashed upon me, It broke upon my intellect much as a stray plank dances before the vision of a drowning man. It made my mouth fairly water as it developed its de- tails in my greedy brain. 1 made a bee lIme for the telephone and called the cen- ral office. ive me 5,508, said 1, and then I chuckled all over, and my mouth kept on waterin, ““Bur-r’ywent the telephone. 1'put my mouth close to the funnel and in a shrill, setto voice, asked: “Is thut Senator ““Yos' came the answer and [ recog nized my wife at the other end of the wire. the senator home?’ 1 asked in the same feminine voice. **No," was the reply. “Well, then, is Mrs. Mason there?' I inquired. e answer, 40, 15 that you?' I eried; *how do you do?" “Why, how do you do¥' responded my wife; but I knew by her tones that she hadn't the remotest idea whom she was talking tc ***How are all the children?’ I asked, *“They are all very well,” said wife “Well," said 1, ‘I happened to be town shopping to-day and I thought I'd 20 over to your house to dinner.’ “Well, that sort of staggered my wife. She mustered up voice enough to ask: “‘"Who are you?’ “Then I answered *‘Why, don’t you recognize the voice? I'm Mrs. Myayan!’ ‘I don’t eateh the name—speuk loud- er! she pleaded. +*Mrs. Mya-yah? I am Mrs. Mason,’ was the I repeated and with that in order to precinde all embarrass ing complications 1 shut off the telephone as tight as Lconld. Then [ threw my self into & ehair and laughed Hll I like to went into apoplexy. Laughy Well you ought to have scen the plastering fall aronnd' me! But, to make a long story short. T reached home about 5:45 and of all the dinners I ever elapped eyes on it was a banquet! Wife had her new black sk dress and she had slicked the children ) that 1 could hardly identity them I think we'd bett awhile, dear,” said wife Wiy, so¥' Tasked, ‘Bless as hungry asan alligator I'en wife told me she was expecting a lady guest, and repeated the de tails of the telephone in the afternoon, It was a fearful ordeal, but I managed,to innocent, and of course I wondered who the lady co “Indeed, 1 don't but her voice was strange I've been puzzling mysclf to up t dinner wai you, I'm look 1 1 v familia death know ing to guess who it wis “Well, we waited nfteen minutes and then sat down to the banguet—-and a roy al feast it was. We had soup and fish and a big roast and about a dozen little side dishes, and wife sent out and bought agallon of pink ice eream and a frosted for desert. [ stood it jus long as | could. When it eame to thick ic um 1 looked at wite kind sude ways and said i a falsetto voice “My dear, I am Mrs. didn't come. “Wife dropped her Dresden china cup as it she'd been paralyzod *‘Willinm E. Mason—you “The children enjoyed the joke as well as [ dia—y nd wife, too, got to laugh cake HEY the of Myayah son brute,” she ing about 1t _after awhile. Our boy, Louis, said: ‘Do it win, pag it’s mighty jolly o have a big dinner onee in a whil “But look here yon reporte ron aren't aking notes on me. Come, come, now that's not right, you musn't tell the story on me. Patit on somebody clss— put it on Bill Campbell.” S S e . Flirtation, Evening Telegraph. Al the flirting and decciving iptivating, make-believini, With itS_temporary sweetness, tones the Jleastire of n day And a thrilling memory lingers Of the touch of slender fingers, 1 Stolen sweetness, smiles and blushes that lave vanished all away. But perhaps you know the pleasure Of possession in your measure, And a year of adapidtion remodelled your desire: When you modify the rapture Of your hymeneal capture, As youshiver it attempting to construet the Kitehen tir PEPPERMINT D It's not at all sinzular that should tind it ditficult to - stoop S, a fat man to anything a fine business opening,” rema al dealer, softl into an empty d as he looked down the llar, the ¢ ho! In the report ot the eseape of a prisoner it s stated that he lefthis dummy behind. Did the man wear a bustle? A terrible aceident happened yesterday to a younw man who was handling” dice. which hié did not kuoy were loaded. “He Has Never Smiled,” is the heading in an exchanze. From this we infer that he wust live in a tenly prohibition town. “Phere is a divinity that doth hedge inz.” but there is little need of hedging £ you have it well backed up. A new gas meter just invented is called the corce Washingion,” This s refined satire boiled qown and strained through silk. —Life. Thonzh a a several eranks may succced in going throush Niagara without losing their lives, let the lone sutfering people take heart, they can’tall do it. A patent for making food from wood has been applied for at Washington, says the New York World. All people who furnish board” should apply foran infringement at once. Hens make a great mistake in not salting their ezgs betore they lay them. The esg would keep longer and sell better, and thi hen would not have to work so hard for higher wages. Owing to the fact that the mud of the so called Mississippi river is sticky and hard to wash off from the bave feet, most of the per- sons who go across t9 St. Louis still use the bridge.—[Chicago Tribune. The Pittsburg Humane society is dratting a law requiring every horse car conductor to hang on the outside of the car, whenever the number of passengers aboard reaches the pre- seribed linit, a notice that the car is IluIL When the conduetor is full no printed notice is neaded, Mil a snmmer osophy which is now in session discussing the flenceness of the Wherefore and the Correlative Tooness of the absolute Utter. The relation which these burning questions to the price of beer is of urgent import- + 1o every citizen of Milwaukee. shool of philos- ~“ow is this?” said & man_addressing o justice of the peace. *Jackson was arrested for murder, bit you are’ trying him- for hog stealing.,” My friend,” the justice replied. 41t is tric that the man’ committed urder, but he also stolea hog. In this country hrst try a man for the gravest offence,” San & etter: *Movements of California Pioneers,” says one of the dai- lies. Yes, they are moving, moving to the graveyard, moving from the ranks to lay their old bones in” the_sandhills before thie ereamotories get a oo start. 1t is not hard 10 move neer, oven when he is- seated at the bar-room stove and is deep in_a descriv- tion how gold truck on Murdever's bar, in the spring of %50, 1t is not necessary to swing a club over him to move him, or to ex- plodea bomb under his ehair. “Colonel Swiggleton, what is yours?” will bring him to his feetas quick asa bent pin under a schoolmar’s bustle, - RELIGIOUS. Dr. Spurgeon has issuci in regular succes- sion 1,800 sermons. Svangehist Sam Jones is conducting meet- ings in Wheeling, W. Va. Four new churches are building at St. Paul, Minn,, at the expense of §250,000, The Codar Ravids (Lowa) Methodist dis- trict reports 1,000 conversions during the present year. Bishop Whitaker, of Nevada, has been clected the tant bishop of Pehnsylvania, and has aecepted. “The large sum of $2,075 was paid the other day in England for a copy of the scrmon preached by John Knox #21 years ago this month, “For the whiche lie was inhibite preaching for a season.” A number of the young Lutherans in Louis have formed “anassociation to secure funds and erect a statue of Martin Luther, in front of their seminary in that city. preaclier in the Probably the inlln;:rwl. world is J. E. Bill, Baptist, only 12 vears of ze, who preached a serion on’ the ¥7th ul t. Martin’ A handsome bra the Episcopal chape ¥ B., to alarge congregation. tablet is to bo erected in of St, James, at FEibe- n, in wemory of President Grant. It will o similar in design to the one placed in tho same oditico in‘mewory of President Gar- field. Evangelist Moody will shortly open his sixth training school for Christian workers in Chieago, where $150,000 has been raised toward the sum needed for suitable build- ings. Iis eo-worker, Sankey, will sail for Europe on Wedncsday, “Ihere are six services daily on week-days in St. Paul's cathedral, London—three in the nortiwest chapel, two'in the choir, and one in the erypt chabel; and four services on Sundays, of which one is in the nosthwest- ern chapel. A petition has been prepared in New York, which will be laid before the coming Epi pal convention, aken toward a’ unification of the cnristian churches. 1t has been stgned by numerous ministers, and is still open for signatures. ‘The St. Paul Globe relates that as Bishop Whipple was walking along a street in that city one day last monih, an alleged “savage” on the obposite zidewalk pomted him out to & companion and said: “There goes one white man who never lieth to an Indian.” 'hat was & compliment worth having. ANCUReNS wark | Ir you are suffering with weak or in- flamed eyes, or granulated eyelids, you can be quickly eured by using Dr. J. H. McLean’s Strengthening Eve Salve. 26 ceuts a box, Enavesdropping. Lomercille Journal, ther in the soft moonlight, Upon the recks and gazed out o'er the sea, Te was a_landsome, manly youth, and quite A match {dr sueli a lovely girl as she, They sat tog Their trysting-place was a romantie spot, Known, a¢ the lovers thought, to them | alones | For, as old Shake would say, they did not | wot That L had made their secret all my own, I'hey were en day Within a mont one Meanwhnile the, to say she'd named the happy It they twain would be made spooned: and I'm ashame 1 used to hide close by and wateh the fun, | 'Dhts spoctnt niktt they sat there, slow to spenk | Tovers will, entranced 1n silent bliss, Until e drew her close, and on her eheek Tinpressed svers will, a tender kiss. started, shrieked, and thrust aside bis Phen_ turned away her head and softly “Why, darling exclaimed, “what wa the hary What! ean’t a fellow kiss his future by % But still she sile In wild alarm he knelt, and begged that she would speak. “What ean 1 do to soothe my er Y (. And then down by her ret?™ he was the meaning of that dreadful shiriek? o raised her head a little, dried a tear, The color flushed her face in one liot wave 1 think,” she sobbed, “thal if you really loved me, dear, You would ko off somewhere, and get a shave. ONEY - roR 1L DIES. Venetian beads in great variety are coming in favor, ‘The moonstone grows in favor for brooc! and hairpins. § Giggling girls nobody like—ex-epting the voung men who are in‘love them, Studs for chenisettes are of sapphire, ruby or pearl, often encircled by brilliants. Chevron, bourette, diagonal and basket, woven effects are seen in the new woolens. Jet trimmings are vicher than ever. Beads ;'ln en cabochon are novelties and are very arge. Mohair braids with applique figures of itk and bead edgings are novelties tor trin- mings. Removable hoods fastened with silk are worn with tailor made dresses in strects. A sister of the sultan ot Turkey is earning living in Betlin by giving lessons in the bic lanzuag Red cloth, erossbarred with fine black bouele lines, is used for jackets for wear in the early autunin, Crossed keys studded with pearls and horseshoes surrounded with pearls ave favor- ite designs for brooches, & A New York modista has sent notes to her former customersotfering 50 per centdizcount if Illu'y will come back and abandon the man tailor: I'he basque pomted in- frontewith a postil- Tion baek, littie or no length ¢ the hips, 18 worn for every st of dress, from gingham to cloth of gald. Plain skirts of velvet, plush, silk or cordu- roy will haye bodices made in postillion fashion and long, sweeping draperies of woolen matetial, A pair of qrazy shoes has been made at Boston, Mass. The shoes contain 825 pieces of leatiicr and the tops alone contain 109 small shaped' piedes, “Very few musicians,” s any regard for tine. cord, the Ar s o writer,“have This is espeeially trie of the young lady who mangles the piano from early morn tll dewy eve Buttons are to be features of the ming seasow’s trimmings. Those on the jackets will be of largersize, but will correspond in design to those used 'on the dress, Short coats for autumn wear fit closely at the back, ‘Lhe_ fronts are loose and_fasten over the ‘vest with one button. A walstband, fastened at the biek seams, keeps the coat in Dlace. Lnamelled butterflies with the markings in dinmonds are mounted upon delicate spiral springs, so that the wings have the tremu- Tous motion of its living prototype, The or- naments are especially favored for hairpins. Ulsters for the coming season are made of Scoteh tweed with high collars and one or three short capes, The hat coaresponds to the uister, These garments are eonsidered more stylish hey are made without velvet acces irace Newell, the thirteen year old daugh- ter of & New York physician, 15 the cham- pion pedestrian of thie season at Jefferson tighlands among_the young eirls who visiting there, She walks regularly about twenty miles a day For tall and slizht fignres, skirts are made with wide or narrow plaits and s drapery, For persons who are short stout the skirt should be wlain, with long drapery in straight folds, or the dress i be plaited in front, with dfapery at the bac only. Buyers of wedding presents wh 1y hesi- tatini upon the .merits of appropriate arti- cles for pu s might be pleased with the presents seleeted by a nice old lady. dhe sent a pair of flat-irons, a rolling-pin and a molto worked on on” A novel design in engagement rings is to divide the ringand bend the cut enas apart v hold them so by a small gold bar. jewel is then sct on each end, and the result is that th very close together, but still not united, and are thus quite” typical of engagements, A traveling clonk of Scoteh tweed has a full skirt. 1tis open from the waist, and has deep revers fastened back with large buttons, The sleeves are rather wide and Laye reyers finished with buttons, At the side the plats are fastened under button-trimmed lapels. Wide revers and a high collar complete the cloak. Turbans in new autumn shapes will be ry popular the season through. There is a variety of styles brought out, so that faces can be suited o becoming shapes. Turbans can be worn on any occasion, tlie plain or the elaborate style of their garniture settling the matter of their appropriateness for full dress, street or traveling wear. Norristown Herald: During a thunder- storm at New Richmond two thunderbolts went through a villow, one at esch end. A young lady™s head renosed on the pillow, and her hair was singed and_ruined and her face burned. Next timeshe will hang her hair on the back of a chair in a distant part of the room where athunderbolt can get at it with- out scorching her face, 1f the Mexicans meet a pretty woman on the street,” says a letter in the New Orleans Picayune, “although an entire stranger, they will say to her, 'Y ou are sy S0 pretty ! 1 love you ! No offense is mear and the Taly is not expected to notiee it. ~ Such a compli- ment was paill a pretiy Boston girl in Mexico City, and sho astanished her plain-spoken admirer by taking her parasol to him.” Mothers-in-aw have a better time in Persia than in some other countries. There they ogarded as Uge natural guardians of the inexperienced bride and the proper caretaker of the young wotlier and her infant offspring. From the motuerrin-law are learned the arts of housekeeping, Under her eye all pur- chases are niade from the huckster or female peddler, for a visit to the bazar by a young wife before she has blessed her husband with chiidren would be considered a scandal among the upper, middle or tradesman cluss. The new woolens for autumn wear haye hair-line stripes and checks. They will be used for tailor-made eostumes without other accessories, although velvet trimmings will remain in as ligl favor as during the past season, The fabrics are exceedingly soft and are of light weight. Navy blue, dark green, black, gray and dark red have white stripes, while red Stripes on navy blue grounds, black stripes on kray grounds and brown kfounds with stripes of lighter tint are also seen. dboard reading, “Fight Sowe of the new striped velvets for trim- ming exhibit exceedingly tasteful combina. tions and show at intervals fine tines o golden silk, which gleam with etallic brightness atud the soft, rich pile, - EDUCATIONAL. Miss Lotta Barrell, of Cambridge, a stu- dent in Boston university, is president ot the college fraternity Kappa Kavpa Ganua, - Mr. Joseph Tewmple who has already been a t’i erous eontributor to the fuuds of the “hiladelphia academy of Fine Arts, has just made an additional gift of $25,000. Rev, Dr. W, W, Everts, of Chicago, will SPTEMBER 5, colored national econvention September F. H. Stoddard, of Northampton, Mass. who has been studying at Oxford university, England, for the past two years lias, received at Memphis, the appointment of assistant professor of literature at Berkley college, California. The Towa State Agricultural collece is peculiarly fortunate in uring as president | M W. L Chamberfain, LT, D., who for so | many vears has been he'efficient secrotary of | the Oliio_ State board of agriculture. This college is doing a practieal work, is well equipped, and has now a bright fature as | successtul agricultural college | Harvard's eatalogue gives four | seales of the estimated expenditure for stu dents' living, rning trom $I85 for the sea son to $1,501, and with SSI2 as morderate, but awriter whosays he has looked careiully into the subjeet avers that only rigid econo my will enable a student to himself through at Harvard for 2600 a year the numerons pr T ANIVeTsity on the o recent guineentennial jubilee, none provably s exerted more wonderment and comment than the it of the pope, consisting of a Nighly artistically gotten up eatalogue of that of thi Palatine library which, in the cour the thirty years' war, Tilly, the imperial gen eral, after the storming and sacking of the towh, sent off to Ronie asa valuable addition different carry made to asion of its | to the Vatican library. Tl semi-annual statement about Boston schools, now issued, deals with facts wres. An army of 70,000 children between five and fitteen is mustered. and an actual at tendance of 55,000 s reported. Five hundred and cighty-six teachers take care of the 30,000 granimar school ehildren, or an average of 50 pupils to a teacher. In the primary schools 46 teachers have an average of 53 pi pils. In the higher schools the number for which the each instructor is responsibles is small From October, 1855, to March, 1885, the registration for evening schools was 6000 Nearly 100) also were in the evening drawing schools, The large proportion of voung women 18 noteworthy. “The popular impress: fon is that boys and young men mnke up the evening school attendanee, o The Younz Man About Ray Garre'taon. A little light moustache and hane A little voiee, with English twang, A little coat, called ciitaway, Of either bl or darkest gray. Town, A little glass, stuck in his eye, A little collar, very high, Alittle purse” that's very light, I'wo little shoes, toes pointed gquite, A little silver handed eane, No little rubbers for the rain, A little yellow colored glove, A littie mouth that says By Jove.” A little walk with pretty Lo A little “taffy™ for sweet Su A little kiss, " stolen eurl, Departs to sce a ballet girl, A little stroll about the town, Adittle diuner worricd dowil' A litt rettle to licht, A little elub, to get at night, A little lock of yellow | A little dish of fossip rare, A little tiny tailor's bill He's out of town, the dude is il = MUSICAL AND DRAMATICA L. ‘The ballet of the Paris opera cost 500,000 a year. Roland Reed is near to the end of his sea- son at the Boston museunn. Miss Maud Miller is again starring with her husband, Mr. Lowdon MeCormacl Mlle. Rhea began her very latest farewell tour of this country last Monday night in St. Jolin, N. B. Mi; Agness English soprano, appearance in B Mr. Joseph Whiting has been engzaged to replace Mr. Lowms James in Miss Helen Dau- vray's tour with “One of Our Girls.” Mr, Jacobson, the violinist of Cineinnati, has been offercd the position of principal violinist at the college of musie, Chicazo. Miss $Marion Booth, Edwin Booth’s hand- some nfece, is shortly to make her bow star in conjunction with the young comeds James O. Barrows. ‘T'he once famous contralto, Madame Alboni, sang at a_charity concert at Aix-les- Bains on the 7th inst. The aged artiste was immensely applanded. he Thalinopera company will have a three weelis’ season commencing October 1st, at the New Yorl lia the under the man- agement of Herr Gustave Amberg. Etelka Gerster, having recovered from a some rming illness, recently ap- peared at a benent concert in Paris, andsang with all her old brilliancy and power. At the forthcoming Leeds Musi festr- val cl’s mass in B minor will be con- ducted by Sir Arthur Sullivan without euts, and some obsolete musical instuments will be employed in the orchestra. In Miss Annie Pixley’s new play next sea- son, *“Ihe Deacon’s Daughter,” she impe sonates the willful daughter of stern Ne England parents who goes on the st against their wishes and shocks them very much, Extensive preparations are making in all Dbranchesof the American opera organization, The ballet is to be greatly enlarged for next season : thirty coryphees Who are to be added to the company will sail from Liverpool on September 7. Miss Rose Cozhlan_begins he September 27 in Yonkers, er repertory for this year will inelude *Twelfth Nignt, You Like It,” *School for Seandal,” *1 don Assurance Masks amd Faces,” ** Lady of Lyons” and “A Scrap of Paper.” rman musical papers state that the num- ber of Liszt's known compositions is 617, Of these, 63 are orcliestra works, 55 being tran- seriptions for the orchestra of other compo- sitions; 517 are for the pianoforte, 200 being 20 are compositions for the Larcom, a clever young s made a most suecessful season on organ and 3 Louis James and Marie Wainwright in- augurated their st 1 tour MeVicker's theatre, Chieago, Iast Monday night. The 1886.~TWELVE PAGES. 1n e ) 1% The ahove portrait 1S that of Dr. MeMot ONC O the most wildely Known and suee Dhvsicinns of this city, and <uid to have by the largest practice” of wny physiciun st amy* ssslill far surgieal aide Thave always noticed in reading: one of Dr. MeMenany's advertisomoents that ho 1s vory caretul to state simply where he is o entoa and what ho withont in Tt s hardly necessary 10 say that he is pro- | dulging in those methods practicod by pros proprictor of the Omahi Medical and Surgienl | ganders who sdvertise to accomplish impossible nstitute, cornor of Bth st il Capitol wye- | o\ | hysicinns, those nue, for that instiution has alrendy gained a | CUres 0 be tor class of physicians, the reputatio | commensirate with that ot the doe- | who roatly 4o tho practice, approciate thoso tor himsolf, facts and do Dr, MeMennny justico. ‘Thore are Hore hundreds of medical and surgicnl eases oW hangerson o the tail end of the profess rom all the western stales aind LOrritores aro PhORIL. Allka of. his ROVERIRB A GFILINN treated weekiy by Dr. MeMenany and the asso- | Sion, ixnorant ulike of his advantizes ot tholr clnte physcinns and suricons, beside hundreds | WA oty jos Ance, who berato him | e. hind his bk, Thoy are men, who, having the dosire to he great, iieme themscives so, and huving failed in thiir choson profossion, Iny the Blame upon thele suecesstul rivils rthor thin their own lnek of ubility, L linve aoticed again that thero s ancther class of physiciins who weo 0 the habit of *running dowin'® o Suecoss ful practitioner. Tacse are the men who have been foreed to the rear by the growth of the city, which has brought with it a demand for of nses trento Lhy corresponience in the most skillful mannor, The subject of this sketeh was raised in tho dical Diiginess, hnving pussed his eaely youth Vi dzig store, attorwards: obtidiing his modis al edueation in the be notably the College of Physicinns nnd Su sdical Inmbin Collox otk ity o Hospital Mo i- o 185 wid 66, 1n play wils *Virginius,” James' rendition w received with great favor by the large audi- ence present, The Virginia of Miss Wain- wright was one of the most charming char- acterizations of that actress. Lotta has received an ape from Brazil. 1t 1s an intelligentbeast, but he appears to have fallen a vietim to a'wellknown_professionil maludy. Lotta suys of him: “ile has been spoiled by too nuch induigence. 1o has the “bippest lead’ to se s slang expression, of anybody L ever met. I've named him Ko-Ko,” Tuesday night Frederick Warde, at the New York Grand opera house, played *Julins Cawsar,” and this occasion was signalized by an intidental event of somewhat unusual inte Mr. Dixon Jones, late professor of clocution in ilarvard university, making his first appearance on the stage, i1 the charac- ter of Mare Antony. The Emma_Abbott opera_company opens its season of 1856-57 in Montreal, Among re- ont aceessions to the organization are Ali Verena, a Baltimore singer, lately retirnod from Etropo, and Walter Aflen, buffo, Miss Abbott expects to giye her admirers through the country *“Lucrczia Borzia,” “Crown Dia- monds.” “Carnival of Venice” and *Paut and Virginia,” 0 addition to the former operas of her repertory. fiss Maud Banks, the youngest dauzhte of Goneral N. I, Banks, made her debut last week in Musie ilall, Portsmouth, N. H., as leading lady of Atkinson & Cook's compiny in “Ingomar.” Besides the Portsmonth the- atrical constitueney, whieh is numerous for good performances, the beach people from the resorts in the vicinity eame in troops, The Boston 7 c says of her perfor man OFf course she is to be judeed hes after by metropoiitan standards and by met. ropolitan erities for versatility ; but when this comes. judging from to-night, the chances for Miss Banks are excellent fora favorable re- vort. - Labor and Capital. Pray, Cholly dear, she laughing said, ‘Uhe difference tell to me "Lween eapital and labor, so That Ly clearly s He sat the maiden on his knee And stroked her pretty head. Now this is capital, my dear, The laughing lover said. ' “The gentle maiden gravely said, O, yes, wy dear, | see, s eapital until we've wed, And then "twill labor be. - : An elephant belonzing 1o an English men- agerie, while marching in Portsmouth one worning about two weeks ago, ran into Hel- sea barracks, and, seizing 8 sentry roind the left leg, threw him to the ground before he had time to protect himself. The animal then galloped round the barracks square, ereating the greatest consternation, but after make a tour through the freedmen’s schaols ©f the southwest this fall, aud will attend the eating a dish of potatoes and drinking some water, Le quietly went away. i ol he medical cauontion, Dr. MeMon: | Arst-cinss medieal talent. ‘They were as good ag Iiis “tnkon Speotl courses At various | Could be oxpected by Omahin w8 a country town, por0ds, sinco onterinie upon s prictice. He | JUst s 10tels tid storos were enough s mado n specinl study of diseasos of womon [ but when she bocamo w city, a8 the he and sexual and urinary disoases of men. The es and public buildings wero rep doctor i8 one of those men of fndomitable encr oncs, und the oldones placed in the baek= &y, keen pereeption aud natural business tal. | ground, just so these country doctors were re- enfs, who would bo found in the front rank m | place iy clus< of physicluns. And so it an’ nimost for- Fotten uge aro being rapidly rolegatod o their Broper position, in the voy dark backirounds MFhese are the mien who, in thefe impotont riwo, hurl their anathemas at the Medical Institutd and its physicians. OF coarse, Dr. MeMenany is doing a'spiendil business. He deserves it. And so are the other new and eapablo men in this city who have something uny profession. No intelligent person could converse with him nalf an hour without te ling that ho was in the presence of a munof the cloarest peree which enibles him 10 0b. tain wu immediate HAstory of the most perple ing medical problem that might pre went itselr. The Omahn Meddical Institute is one of the host advertised establishments i the west. In speaiing upon this point last evening, a gontle- more to ro-om- TN P e with Drs SeMonny and hismeth- | nend them than the number of yoars they. ive DU S bty wordad. Truthtul wilyver: | roosted behind adoctor's diploma—viz., meds tisemont is simply n dire il fenl skilland ability persons visitinz the city in s tieal e FRECNGUBE D over, will still have agreat advantage over e Bl g, it i fatuated worshipors. No court in the . 2 world can compel them to retarn the gum The maiden took her chewing gsumn And pl it on achair, For she hald heard her lover come With swift feet up the stair, drops and sice cream consumed before the melancholy truth beeomes apparent to ardent suitors,—[ Louisville Courier-Journal, t week 4 Russian entered the segister’s at Pittsbure, to take out a marriage license. He stated that ten years ago ho was rield in Russi. A few daysafter the cere- v was performed he was drafted into the army. Il soon deserted and fin: I(v Upon the ehewing um he sat— Lie joyous hours flew past— But wiien Lie rose to take his hat [ te found himseli stuck fast. mon SON! worse disaster never was,” reactied Plitsburg, where he became a | Sho eried a3 out she ran : dler. In the meantime his wite, who re “] ne'er can marry you beeanse mained in Russia and was ignorant of her You are a fast yoing man.” husband’s whereabouts, ad been. granted a i divoree by the rabbi in whose temple she wot- shiped. A week ago she arrived in Pittsbury and found her husband. Thei reanion, and they at onee d again., The rezis Little Drops. Little drops of water, Little heads of swe Really are quite pr But they're very wel was a joyful il ris in A quandary, T there was a divoree it is nocessary to produce adecrce before a license of ariage can be granted. This it is impossible to procure and the register has reserved his decision. JACK<0N, G Aucust 25, —The other evens ing Pleasant ). Ttoberts was called upon to marry acouple at the residence of Mr, Cal, Smith in Randolpl's district. Arriving at house he found it crowded with young- monz whom were sehool ehildren, With some difficulty he soon found the happy cou- pleand proxounced them man and wite, The groom was William Thornton, aged fourteen vears, who had run away from_his father to wet married. The bride was Mattie Smith, The Des Moines drug sto on Sunday. This compeis eite flasks on Saturday night. A coflin-maker having apartments to let posted his bill announéing the same upon a coftin: *Locgings for single gentieman.” One Lutheran missionary and 100,000 gal- lons of New England rum were recently sent to the Congo in the same ship. re now closed ens o nll their Our late representative to the Cannibal | tho adopted daughter of Mr. Cal Swmith, azed Islands is reported missing. Nothing strange | fifteen. Young'as this conple may seein tho t under the eireu althouzh | matoh was made as readily a3 if - Fhornton an could liardly be as delic ionary. At a revival meeting in a country town not long agoa_young convert, who was by business a milkman, arose to speak. Just at that moment one of the breihren started in with the hymn, “Shall We Gather at the ate a dish had been a widower courting h On the first visit he asked the girl 1o be his wife, on the second obtained the father's con: sent, on the third the bride’s father gave his consent, Justat this point some one in- formed Thornton that the license must b had before the ceremony, conld be performed s third wife, River? when it became his painful duty to confess A BufTalo paper reports that after a service | {0 all concerned that ne was unable io pay for the ofher evening Bishop Coxe said to a re- | the license, But the elldren at Emory Parr’s porter: 1 should like to corvect the proof | sehool anxious to know that the law” would sheet of my prayer. You newspaper men | at their own conyenience made: each of them and the printers are so untamiliar with | the happy head of *nuusehold, made up the prayer that you've pretty certain to bungle it | requisite SL40 by subscription, sent for the up badly.” nse and the squire and witnessed the Harry, aved five, had never happened to o of the child coupl¢. see the moom in the daytime, He eane down TR1O to breaktast the other morning shricking with o laughter. “Why, Harry, what's the matter?” A tapo. wori) 150 10ng was. takantfom inquired the mother. O, mamma,” said 35000 &s he could speak, “'ve got sueh on the Lord; He's forgot to take Lis woon in.” s It isn't always possible for pions people to control their “anzry passions even in the house of worship,” A moose walked into a Sunday school at Aroostook, Me., one week { Bayle, of Hoopeston, one day last Baker, of Winfield, Mich., erected ith stécl straps on them, and canght six white blackbirds in one diy. J. 1. Chester found some white bl berries growing wild near Bronson, Mich. azo to-day and interrupted the revitations to | LHey Were ripe and very swee 3 such an extent that the 'I rintendent had A white robin was seen near Brivgstown, to knoek nim down with a Bible and kill | Del, just before eleetion day last wi 1t him.—Philadelphia News. “Did you go to the cemete Dutiful to Mrs. Funeralgoer, X is subposed this is what riined the peach croy King George, a negro 50 years old, is provs ingg a puzzle to some of the most celebrated referring 1o ent funcral in the neighborhood. *Yes,” replied the person addressed, —*How natural | physicians in Boston. —He has two sets of he looked,” exclaimed the first speaker, | ribs and two hearts, and apparently has the ust as if he was asleep.” “I hardly no- | power to suspend animation. ticed anything, I never enjoyed myself le A smake killed near Columbus, Iowa, Is in mf life,” **Why. what was the matter?’ | said to have measured 19 feet 3 inches in “Well, 1t looked very much as though we | length and 51 inches aronnd the largest park wouldhave a windstorm, and I left the win- dows open at howe, and I was 5o afraid it would rain and spoil my new carpet that L didnot enjoy the funeral as I should have done.” A New Jersey ice eream man wickedly and profanely said **Damn me,” fle was ai once arrested. ‘Phe trembling’ enlprit said to the Tidign: My lord, one word, - Ll cnse 19 no hafore yous the' phrase was injudicions, 1 allow, but "hear my explanation 1 fmplore you,and you will be indignant too, 1 vow. "The judge replied: “I will hear of no de fense, Attemot none if you're sensibl fine you 5) cents for the phrase so reprehens- ible.” And fined 50 cents he was. This would seeti to indieate that in New Jerse the remark, “It isn’t worth a d—n,’ of its hlil(f. 1ts head was nearly the size of a er-bucket, and was _covered by a sealy skin and scanty hair. Harrison 1. Oliver, of Bolton Bell County, Texas, is the most remarkable repository of cold Icad in this country to-d 1t may n strange, but he has received no less than 101 wounds, and sixty of the bullets, ranging in size from a buckshot to an ounce ball. still remain in his body, Charles Amsden, of Dowagiae, Mich,, saw a fight between a black hen turkey and a large hawi. The fight ocurred in the air, as 1| high as the tree tops, and was a determined strugele for supremaey. Finally the hawlk gave up the tight ina erippled condition, and the uu:;u; flew to the ground apparently un- injured means, Vit isn & worth 50 conts,” , = ————— - ~ g CONNUBIALITIES, D v At tE t‘ .:“h feature of S b4 ] S? a recent English wedding one feature o 8 the service was the substitution for the organ S H & of the voealion, invented by the bridegroom. Y 3 Miss Grace Greenough, who graduated from Smithcollege last vear, will be married October 1 to lev. Lyndon S, Crawford of oods offer: 1 at our exhibit at the Inter-State Ex- Howard Strect, during )maha and vicinity we shall.on Topsield, Mass., and immediately leave for &2 Aslatic Turkey, where they have received appointment as missionaries, = A Philadelphia society fanly is very an- vy because one of the young ladies of the 3 amily has marr # baseball player, -] : Strange that the fawily should not like it, as some of the greatest catehers of the season are to be found among the baseball clubs, Tho bridesmaids at a recent London wed dinz were arranged so as 10 “lead the eye down to the bride’s train.” ‘Fwo very littlo witls marched behind the bride and the other eight waids were arranged o i 0 height, with two perfeet grenadiers of girls as lile closers, On the sandy shore of the swelling tide strides many a fair and expectant bride; on peboly beach and on silvery strands wander the youth who would seck” those hands, A year rolls by, and the tides still crash on the Silvery sands with ceaseless dashi but the winids and the youths heed not their course, as they th nk how mueh it costs for divoree, wing ve 013, payment for any in Exposition. 1t is good for 10 per cent, s card wsed. tween September 4 and 13, 11> Inspect our fine stock of SHOES at the GUT THIS OUT. | It May Save You Money. s curd, ma nt on all goods 1607 Howard Street, Omaha, Neb. purch HAYWARD BROS., Boots, Shoes and Rubbers, g i ‘The decision of a Kentueky eourt that a ] man’s sweetheart must returii his presents = it she doesn’t marry bim will pechaps put a i check ou those inconsiderate young females : % & 10 Pet Cent, posit the who are ready 10 Inpoverish every gencrous, I\nwu{nh sticated loy into ¥, who happens to, fall Leir uel. This sort of feiales, how-