The Nonpartisan Leader Newspaper, August 9, 1917, Page 14

YOU'VE HEARD OF THE MILLER WHO LIVED ON THE DEE? PER- HAPS YOU -RECALL THAT “HE WAS AS HAPPY AS HAPPY COULD BE” HE HAD A GOOD REASON TO BE HAPPY, NO DOUBT—ITS ALL IN THE GRADING SYSTEM. * * * “They (farmers) live by what they can get by industry from the earth; and others by what they can catch by graft from men. They live, like sheep and kine, by the allowance of nature; and others, like wolves and foxes, by . the acquisitions of rapine.”—Writ- ten by Abraham Cowley about 1650. * * * CAPTAIN—"Sir, I am sorry to re- port our ammunition is entirely ex- bhausted.” GENERAL—"Then cease firing.” . * * * Dockage and tare, Dockage and tare, The man selling grain Is in need of your prayer. * * * OUR AMATEUR WAR BOARD Dear Farmer Jones: ‘Why not introduce into Germany, disguised as Swiss yodlers, about 20 of the most efficient American food gamblers that can be found? In three months they would corner Germany’s food supply and raise prices to a point where the Kaiser would be. willing for peace on any terms, A READER. Dear *Farmer Jones: Everybody is advising the govern- ment on how to quash a’ submarine. So here goes: Drain the North Sea. The subs can then be located on the bottom. It won’t take much skill to herd them and drive them on the beaches, where they can be dispatched one at a time, at leisure. A SUBSCRIBER. * * * SINCE WE HAD CENSORS A Port Somewhere, August 9.— A merchant vessel of a3 certain nationality, carrying a cargo not named, was attacked yesterday in an unnamed place by an enemy war vessel whose nationality and description are withheld by the navy department. Captain (name not given) of the merchantman de- stroyed the enemy by a method that the censor believes inadvis- - able to disclose. While unable to give any facts about the incident, we assure our readers it was a great victory. o * * * DO YOU KNOW HIM? I cannot stand Alonzo Hood, He tells me things For my own good, * * * The government patent office announces that women to date have taken out more than 6,000 patents but you will notice that thev still hold their hatpins in their mouths and call somebody else to open a fruit jar: * * * ‘A SANITARY FARM A V/isconsin farmer employed some eity boys to help him in the farm work and told them to make a report on Saturday night of what they had done during the week. They submit- ted him the following: “We've bathed the bossie’s tootsies, we've cleaned the rooster’s ears, “We've trimmed the turkey’s wattles with antiseptic shears. #With talcum the guinea hens are + beautiful and bright, “And Dobbin’s wreath of gleaming teeth we've burnished snowy white, *With pungent sachet powder we’'ve glorified the dog, ¥And when we have the leisure we'll manicure the hog. ; “We’'ve done all in our power to have a barn de luxe; - “We've dipped the sheep in eau de rose; we've sterilized the ducks. *The little chicks are daily fed on sanitated worms. . S “The calves ‘and colts are always boiled to keep them free from germs. “And thoroughly to carry out our pro- phylactic plan “Next week we think we shall begin to wash the hired man.” : * * * WAR NOTE A LOT OF OUR AMATEUR WAR GARDNERS ARE FIGURING ON IN- . VENTING A COMBINATION HAM- MOCK AND GARDEN HOE. * * * " PROBABLY A CONGRESSMAN The following advertisement ap- ‘peared .in the Boston Transcript: gL R — e BETWEEN THE ROWS BY FARMER JONES “Lost—Mahogany cane by gentle- man with an ivory head.” * * * The.other day during the hot spell the thermometer in a North Dakota store registered 112 inside the store in the shade. The storekeeper won- dered. how hot it was outside in the sun, where he saw the farmers and their men working. So he took the thermometer outside and hung it on the, porch post. But he never found out how hot it was. When he went out ten minutes later he found that the mercury had brokea out at the top of the thermometer, had run up the porch post and was halfway up the roof. As near as.he could figure it, it must have been about 543. * * * H. C. OF L. BY E. B. F. Backward, turn backward, Oh Time in your flight— Back to the years when some prices were right, Oh, how I weary of bread. Of paying for cabbage a dollar 2 head; Of buying my butter :t four-bits a pound. No wonder my pay-check won’t go half around! Backward, turn backward, and bring to my eye A g:ood two-bit meal, a good ten-cent pie, Alas, but how often my temper I lose, ‘When paying eight dollars for threa- dollar shoes! I rave and I cuss, but I've cause to, at that, Each timé& I pay five for a two-dollar hat. fifteen-cent But worst of them all are the curses that roll From my lips when they soak me ten dollars for co L Backward, turn backward, and give_ me a chance To buy one more pair of two-dollar pants; To buy some more spuds at four-bits a peck— Some grub that worn’t leave my poor wallet a wreck, Let me bury my teeth in a T-bone again; 3 Let me wind up with pie and some doughnuts, and then Let me buy a boiled shirt and a thirty- cent tie, el & And I will be ready to turn up and die. i * * * AT GRAND FORKS A ‘“wise’” man named Jerry once said: “The farmers are weak in the head; They’ll swallow my dope— At least so I hope.” f But they voted for Baer instead. * * * 3 Judge Kenesaw Mountain Iandis who achieved fame by fining the ' Standard Oil company $29,000,000 a few years ago, recently sentenced 11_7 slackers to jail for a year each. The only difference is that Standard Oil didn’t pay its penalty, but the slackerg will have to. ; PAGE THIRTEEN O o 5L s A That’s the Way With Some Pegpul— They Can’t Stand a Little Kidding . torney by the court. - and . wiggles her ears. of proverbial Heck. GOOD REASON A missicnary was visiting a penitentiary. “My poor fellow,” she said to one of the prisoners, “how does it hap- pen that you are in here?” “I did't have enough political :n- —Drawn Expressly for The Leader, fluence to get me out,” said the prisoner. ; * * * WASTED EFFORTS It seem a pity for the agricultural department to urge housewives to use all the tin cans when there are so many peanut politicians left in Wash- .ington to tie ther to. * * * STERN MEASURES A prisoner, under trial for murder, lacking funds to retain a lawyer, was assigned a ycuthful and vercant at- looked him over carefully. “Is this my lawyer?” he asked. “Yes,” replied the judge. >3 ‘Ts he going to defend me?” “Yes, that is why I appointed him.” “Well, if he <hould ‘die, couli I have another lawyer?” < A ““Most certainly.” “Then, your honor, I request the privilege of seeing him in the back room for a few rinutes.” 5 * * * A KID’S REASON 3 The reason they call her “Mother Nature” is because she won’t give us rain when we want it and gives - us too much when we don’t want any. S : . * * * YOU DON'T HEAR SO MUCH OF THE BATHING SUIT JOKE THIS .YEAR BECAUSE THERE ISN'T Noon on the Farm At noon on the farm when we hear the alarm of the old- fashioned bell on the pole in the yard, a change most alarming comes over our farming, and things become easy that had become hard. Before it quits ringing the sheaves I was bringing to use as the rain-cap of some worthy shock, I drop in the stubble, forget all my trouble, and beat it to dinner—its now 12 o’clock! The binders quit humming, the hired men go running, and ‘‘bent for election’’ all homeward skidoo—it looks like the racing and disordered chasing of Bonaparte’s legions at old Waterloo, The half-wearied horses stop short in their courses, and wait till they’re safely unhooked from their load, but soon as their traces are loosed from their places, they kick up the dust as they scoot down the road. The colt in the stable, as loud as he’s able, whinnies a welecome when mother he hears; she rattles her reins some, she jingles her harness some, she grunts while she’s running The pig that was sleeping, without even péeping, so stupid and lazy, in mud to his neck, recalls where his paunch is, rears up on-his haunches and squeals like the shades The prisoner Around the big table, a modern-day Babel, confusion of language, confusion of tongues, we babble and rattle in harvest- day prattle, and everyone knows that is good for the lungs. And oh, the big dinner looks good to a sinner, who had his last rations while yet it was dark, and had without parley shocked acres of barley with millions of needles a prodding his bark. Those heaps of potatoes, those plates of tomatoes, those beans, that bologna, that coffee and bread, that cabbage and lettuce—go off and for- get us, we work like Old Herc when we'’re properly fed! But soon it’s all over with some left for Rover, then off to the stables replenished we scoot; we could lick all the Frenchies there are in the trenches, and even Herr Wilhelm, der Kaiser, to boot! —J. E. T. ENOUGH LEFT TO CRACK A JOKE ON. * * * Never mind if there isn’t much of a wheat crop. So long as the hay crop is all right there will be no short- age of breakfast foyds, * * * A LION AMONG LADIES IS A MOST DANGEROUS THING. HOW ABOUT A BAER AMONG CONGESS- MEN? * * * Being the ‘“organ” of opposition seems a fitting labor for the Grand Forks Herald, for an organ is, first (]f all, a wind instrument. The poor deluded fellow who got married since April first in ordenr to avoid military service is apt to find himself mixed up in two wars —one foreign and one domestic. * * * ~ DURING ALL THESE YEARS WHILE THE FARMER HAS BEEN BUSY TILLING THE SOIL THE POLITICIAN HAS BEEN BUSY SOILING THE TILL. * * * o The old school arithmetic, the one with the red cover and the chewed corners, says:, 60 1bs.—1 bushel of wheat; 32 1bs.—1 bushel of oats.” How ancient! * * * If the scriptural axiom, “A house divided against itself can not stand,” is literally true, is it any wonder the national house of rep- resentatives prefers the Yea and Nea method of voting? * . 0% Cx ‘Whut ye go’'n’ to do wi’ all that dockage?” blurted out the well- stung farmer who had just sold a load of clean flax. “Go'n’ to make a poultice fur a sore conscience, hey?” * * * A LOYAL LEAGUER A farmer driving a new plow hit a stone and broke the point off of his lay. “Peers t'me,” drawled the hired man, “thet I see a couple o’ good lays a-layin’ over in the shed this mornin’, Will I go'n git one?” - : ; “Not on yer tintype, “exclaimed the farmer, “let ’em stay there. I'm a mem- ber of the Nonpartisan league, and neither of them would work fur me, fur they were both members of the old gang.” * * * THE NEW CARTOONIST CON- GRESSMAN IS ABLE TO DRAW QUITE A CROWD. * * * “What is so rare-as a day in June? quoted the lover of spring poetry. “Not the flesh on my back after a jaunt through western North Dakota in July,” retorted the sun-burned but more practical man, “it’s well done.” * ¥ * The fact that the League has a leader, a system, and—worst of all—an organization, seems to. be a jaggly, saw-toothed bone in the crop of the old opposition!” Well, the men composing the League at one time had no machine (terrible word) and the result was— well, there wasn't any result! -