Evening Star Newspaper, July 18, 1926, Page 69

i S the late. Eomer, great, “Things in: "!fi.h get- e ing JoR 1o Jook ‘oolworth Building.” U?rlly ‘Whoosis e! tered the life of I and George, that's my husband. Of course, there are . Whole'lot of people who would readily admit to belonging to the first families if ac- cused of the same, but Mrs. Whoosis wasn't in that class. Anybody who heard her name knew right away that ly all that the rest of families had and her family was one of the oldest, most decrepit in the country. They didn’t come over in the Mayflower— they didn’t wait for it, they got washed ashore from the wreck of the Hesperus, or one of them other old antique ships rowed by slaves, the ones that was called galluses or some- thing. And then they set -theirselfs up in the American Indian business. By the time the Pllgrim Fathers and Mothers arrived they had thelr sou- venir shop all set up on the Mohawk Trail, with_scalping prices, and that was prebably the foundation of their millions. “Well anyways, there couldn’t of been any doubt as to Mrs. Whoosis being the real thing in a social way, not even in the mind of a child, alway®| provided said child was old enough to read the society news in the papers. T personally- myself never skip a line, especially on Sundays, not that I a hoot about society or social 3 tion, but I read that stuff merely to laugh at them people, the they ‘waste their time, etc. Also so's none of my friends will be able to catch me uporl who married who amongst the 400, not to mention which divorced which and why, and what the best people’s maiden names was, and all that. A lady has to know them things these days, or her friends will be put- ting things over on her about how much better their soclal position is than hers, and who they know to speak to, and who merely to speak of. If it wasn't for self-defense I would never bother reading that stuff, on account whatter I care about know- ing who them people are entertaining at dinner? It don't put any soup in my plate! * ok % BUT the good sense I showed in kéeping the social register warm was proved the very first time that Mabel Bush, the one that is married to that Joe Bush of the Hawthorne Club, spoke of her friend Mrs. J. Upperlip Whoosis. Mabel had been on a trip to far- off Long Island, which is well known for being & regular nest of swells, and a regular hot-bed of social manner- isms. Why, down in that part of Long Island where Mabel went it is so fashionable that the ocean is full of swells, even when there is nobody in bathing, and the crowd is such a high-hat one that they have butlers to pass the plates, even in the churches, and the hat-tacks are built low so’s the silk toppers won't scrape the ceiling. When it comes to titles, hot bozo, 1 understand where in that set even the humblest bridge player won't lead anything less then a queen, and even the traffic cops have titles. The *‘cottages” in that neighborhood are all modest little affairs which can only be told from hotels by the fact that there is no desk in the lobby, and the liveried men servants, if formed into battalions, would take five hours to pass any given point, unless the point had free beer parked on it, in which case it would take longer. The clubs in them towns was S0 exclusive that some of the crowned heads of Europe was known not to be members of them, and the aver- age American citizen could of got into them in only one way—after dark, with the aid of a skeleton key and a fimmy. ‘Take it all in all, this part of Long Island where Mabel Bush had been was the cat's meow, the duck’s ey glasses, and the de-hydrated creme of Am. Society, according to itself, and Mabel admitted freely that she hadn’t missed any of it. She was there two hours and a half In her flivver, and come back with a English accent. Autobiography an ”vant”dges' Are of Many Kinds . Chance Puts Them to Final Test| “THEY GOT WASHED ASHORE mlm WRECK OF THE HESPERUS.” Even the flivver sounded different. It had a kind of drawl in the motor. Oh my deah! says Mabel telling me all about it, there is such a air of refinement down there, just as refined as white sugar! And I met the most delightful people, especially deah Mrs. J. Upperlip Whoosis! What? I says, did you say you met her? How? Did you run into her with the fiiv? Mabel give me a scornful look. Run into her with the fiiyver? she come back at me, no I should say not. I run into her socially. She is a most delightful woman. Well, that had me stopped. I couldn’t hardly believe it, not that I give a hoot for soclal position, it meant nothing in my life to know somebody that knew Mrs. Whoosis. I was merely curious, that was all, when ‘I says to Mabel, do you mean to say you actually talked to her? What kind of a woman is she, any ways? And Mabel says, oh, my deah, she is purfectly delightful, so simple and sweet, just regular in every way, not a bit affected! And she has the cutest dog! We talked a lot about our dogs, | Mr® I and her, and how much alike they ‘weren't, hers being a fullblooded Dish- mop, and mine being a thoroughbred Fleahound. In fact, says Mabel, dogs was one of the principal subjects I and she had in common. She'sa charm- ing woman, my deah, you must meet her some time; if she ever comes to Dinglewood I will be sure and see that you meet her. And I -says, well, you know me, Mabel, I don't give a hoot for soclety, I wouldn't go around with that crow if you paid me to, they would bore me to death. Still and all, dear, if Mrs. ‘Whoosis ever does, come to Dingle- wood I wouldn’t mind meeting her, on your account, and just out of curiosity. W : * % % x WELL. after I left Mabel and got to thinking® it over, I realized lainly where again there wasn't real- any justice in this world, on ac- count if there was, why would a com- mon woman like her be the one to get acquainted with the real pre-war aristocracy like Mrs. Whoosis, when my family was so much better than hers, I mean Mabel's? Here 'Mabel's folks come over to this country in that well known boat. ‘The Steerage, and the highest social position her father ever reached was pushing the float at Atlantic City with the winner «of the beauty contest of 1898 riding on it. ‘While quite to the other hand my people could always at any moment of taken up the best social position in this country, only they never cared to do so. They was too busy with im- e- | portant things lke jail sentences, many of them having been closely associated with judges and juries, if you get what I mean. Other members of my family did actually move in the best circles in the country, in fact. That was Aunt Eata and her hus- band. They run their own merry-go- round, or caroussel, and was moving gzmthc above mentioned circles all the 8. . 4 So of course if T had wanted to, I could of known the 400 long ago. All I needed another name and a coupla would of done it. In any event, I felt it was an outrage for it to of been Mabel Bush and not me that met Mra. Whoosis and her pup. It would of been all right for Mabel to of met the pup, but I would of been a whole lot more appropriate to ‘Whoosts. Well, for the length of over one annum from the time Mabel met Mrs. ‘Whoosis and dog, all she did was brag about it every time Bhe got a chanct, telling how she says this and Mrs. Whoosis says that and how she, Mabel, . Wh come to Dinglewood. After the first six mons. of this, Mabel was referring to the Whoosis house as “that dear little place of theirs, I'm so fond of it.” And at the end of the yr. she was calling . 'Whoosis “Evelyn” whenever she spoke about her. * k%% AND then one evening I picked up the Dinglewood Item, our local paper, and seen a big spread on the real éstate sheet to the effect that the famous Mr. and Mrs. J. Upperlip Whoosis had taken the Vandersnickle place down on the lake front for the Summer months! ‘Was that news, and how! Nobody hadn't really seriously belleved there was one chanct in a million that the Whoosis would ever actually come to Dinglewood, and here they was not alone coming, but going to settle down and stay awhile. Belleve you me, it didn’t take me long to down that paper and get to the tele- phone. wanted to call up Mabel Bush and point out to her where now was gonner be her chanct to make good on that introduction. But the line was busy. I tried to get Mabel's number 60 times in six hours, but no luck, every other wom- an in had got the same idea, just a little ahead of me. I will say Dinglewood is a democratic little place. It don’t give a hoot for formal as this clearly proved, I don’t think. " How all them women could make such fools out of theirselves, running after Mabel to try and be the first to get a introduction to the new neighbor, was more then I could ‘Well anyways, when ‘T ahold of Mabel on th promised me. where she certainly would make me.acquainted with Mrs. Whoosis at the very first vmrtmn'y; it day, or was something like the day my ship is coming in. dollars and I certainly really And Mabel 1aY l1ike to botber her, And by the time that the Whoosis had been living there at the big Van- dersnickle place on the lake front for & month, 30 days, one-twelfth of @ year, and Mabsl had pretty near 1 { run out of stalls, why I about come to the conclusion that Mabel didn’t know Mrs. Whoosis at ail. L I b CONFIDED this clever idea to Mabel one day when I and she ‘was down town marketing. T'll bet, T says to her, that you don’t even know Evelyn Whoosis when you see her, I says. And Mabel was sore as & bacon-fat burn. Huh! of course I know Mrs. Wh 3 know her perfect, but then of course she may not remember me when she sees me, it is quite some time since ‘we met. Shé may of forgotten me, but I won't forget her, no, never! ‘Well, just about then we reached the leading cash grocery, and there was a big fruit stand out in front of it, and who would be standing at it picking over apples with the grocer on A Mabel, I says, who is that woman, I wonder, I ain’t ever seen her before, have you? And Mabel says no, I ain’t, kinda common looking, don't you think? And 1 nodded instead of saying yeah, beard grocer, he was talking to the strange lady, and he says these apples is 40c ‘Whoosis, of and Mabel, hoping I hadn’t heard, give me a nudge in the ribs, and says. huh, say, there is Mrs. Whoosis, now. Well, I says, why don’t you go up to her then? i , why, I mldn.: , she appears be busy just now. Just then Mrs. Whoosis turned the eyeglasses onto Mabel, and she give a puzzled look and then a little smile. Why, I know you, she says to Mabel, you are the woman who sold me the flea powder for my dog. ‘Well, naturally that was too much for me. I couldn't stand it no more, I was that mortified, so I beat it away from there as fast as I could, leaving | fi Mabel flat, and I was so indignant I couldn’t hardly walk, at that. Of all the pretentious, silly women, letting on she knew Mrs. 1 couldn’t imagine a person doing such a thing! And about two blocks away, while I was just thinking this, who would I run into only Mrs. Goofnah. Well, well, says she, I don't suppose any of we common people are ever going ‘to meet Mrs. J. Upperlip Whoosis, do you? And I “l"v; o mehu;m smile. Travel in the Northwest in -Eérly Days Described in Lardner’s Own Life Story BY RING LARDNER. CHAPTER IIL Young Man Goes West. The trip from Duluth to Seattle, to attend the inaugural ball of 1891, was rather uneventful and can be dis- missed in a few well rounded para- graphs. In those days, as 1 ‘pointed out by one of the last-named methods, ran west of Minnesota and neither boats nor horses had been invented. It was believed that the only possible ‘way to cover the mileage between the new Scandinavia and the Pacific Coast was afoot or on all fours. But a few moments before we were about to set out by one of the last named methodp, my Unclée Walrus learned frém the telephone - girl the hotel, a Miss Scurvy, that other travelers had suc- cessfully negotiated the distance on sleds drawn by teams of dogs and we decided that nothing could be lost by trying this innovation, for if it proved a flop (an expression of my grand- father’s) we could still get off and walk or crawl. So many of the other guests had been tipped off to the sled gag that but one of the dogs in Duluth were already chartered by that time, so we bad no choice but to engage the re- maining one, which turned out, to his mother’s surprise, to be a four-month- old Sealyham. We hitched up to two sleds, the front one for our party and the trailer for sult-cases, mess kits, golf bags, etc. We were insured against thirst by Uncle Walrus, who in play- ing thirty-six holes of golf during our stay in Duluth, had luckily acquired & handful of water blisters. It was § gay crowd for the first 200 and the Ring welcome all through the + Dakotas. We stopped for the night at Bismarck, where my little brother Croup . insisted on fishing for herring. Imck was with us and we didn’t have a bite, though the Sealyham kept scratching himself. Next morning the latfer began to complain of glanders, brought on, he sajd, by working like a horse, and it @ relief ¢o him % rest of us "“IT SEEMS THAT we made Butte the second ered at the Montana] to shake hands nicl Clinging Vine. ‘Without thinking, Stribling loos- ened his hold with his right arm to shake hands with me and Miss Guinan at the same time his Teft. Madison ng (Editor’s note: This must be a. mistake, In 1891, Paul Whiteman was only a year old.) . (Author’s note: It was a different Paul Whiteman. Must have been.) Was) - (Author’s note: “Well, Mrs. Madison,” I said, “you YOUNG' STRIBLING WAS' DANCING WITH | DOLLY MADISON” : 5 posure and had to be pushed off the sled. With the Joad thus® lightened, d Social BY ED'WYNN. BAR. MR, ° : I have been following the New York nllko scandal in the with much in. Answer: The reaso; expensive than milk is simply because it is Mwm for the cowse to sit on Truly yours, 8 SIM PILTON. Answer: Don't be silly, of course not. Those' chin straps are for the police- men to rest their jaws on after answering foolish questions. kb Dear Mr. : Is it true that a Scotchman loves his whisky"? Sincerely, JACK KNIFE. Answer: It is true that he loves whisky, but not “his.’* He loves some one else's. 23 very pretty. I am keeping ‘with three yo men about my own age. Is it all t for me to go with three different fellows? s Answer: 1t is not all right if the two poor wom- 0 miles out of town. My baby and I was told to bathe the baby in. water of a also told certain temperature. I Dear Mr. Wynn: I am & young lady | and 4 " T 1S NOT ALL to use a thermometer in the water so as to be sure the water was the prop- er temperature. T would not like to spend the mdney for a thermome- ' “GRAB HIM BY THE NECK AND FEET.” Forward-Looking Historians May Find | . That General Strikes Are Remarkable BY STEPHEN LEACOCK.) T became evident early in the month of July that a new general strike was imminent. The great success and universal good feel- ing which had resulted from the rst strike in 1926 had led to frequent repetitions of the movement, all equally sdtisfactory. The signs were therefore not wanting to ex- perienced eyes that the present Sum- mer would witness a new general strike. In the first place, the weather was admirable for striking. Clear blue skies unsullied by a drop of rain seemed to offer an open invitation. ce of the Australlan cricket ‘The presen . [team in England appeared to render all work as unnecessary as it was un- interesting, while the offer of the Bishop of London that at any time the people wanted one of his palaces to strike in, they could have it, pre- sented an opportunity not to be lost. It was known, moreover, that the King had said that at any time when there was a genergl strike they could count on him from the start to the finish. The first notification of the move- ment in the press was the news that of labor union leaders t with my partner, knamed the Georgia FOOT -'mnggg‘flobr THE 'COUNTRY AND POLICE JOINED IN WHILE THE FOOD . Week’s .~ * |Perfect Fool Reveals Wide Knowledge ‘In Answerts to His Many Correspondents, ter, yet I want to be sure of the water. Is there any way of telling if the water is right for the baby with- out a thermometer, if so, please give details, will you? Truly yours, X. ASPERATED. Answer: There is a way to tell about water for a baby without a thermome- g‘n Just follow these instructions: rst fill the tub with water. Then undress the baby. Place one hand under the child’s neck, and with the other hand take hold of its two feet. Now, put the baby in the tub of water. If the baby turns blue, that shows the water is too cold, while, on the other hand, if the baby gets. very red it shows the water is too hot. Dear Mr. Wynn: I notice in the newspapers that they intend passing a law barbers $25 apiece be- fore they can ply their trade. If.this is true, don’t you think that tax will work a hardship on the barbers? Sincerely, HERR TONNICK. Answer: It is my opinion if the bar- bers are taxed $25, that they will be able to scrape it up. Dear Mr. Wynn: I am a boy of 18 years of age and my ambition is to be a detective. I am supposed to be rather homely, and my father says . STRIKERS, STRIKEBREAKER: BALL AND CRI MATCHES, ‘SUPPLY. WAS HANDED ROUND.” o the tubes would be placed tn charge of the Phitharmonic Assoclation, and th strike. were ag successful as the first. Both sides remainded absolutely im- movable. Throughout - the. -country | strikers, strikebreakers and polics % | Joined in foot ball and cricket match- #s, while the food supply was handed the Westminster boys, the | fiyer can stand instan if | condition can stand this, 7 i 4 ¢ I | 2 ¥ ¢ 4 RIGHT IF THE OTHER TWO FIND IT O in order for me to be a detective I will hgve to’ have my face' lifted and use all kinds of beauty creams. Can you tell me what he means by giving . |me such foolish advice? P Yours. truly, O. WATTAFACE. Answer: Your father simply means that to be a detective you must be a ‘good looker.” Dear Mr. Wyn! called on a young lady last night, for the first time. As I was leaving her house she said that I looked just like a policeman. As T have been in this country over a year and a half, T cant figure out what she meant by saying I looked like a policeman, can you? Yours truly, B. JABERS. Answer next week. : THE PERFECT FOOL. (Copyright. 1926.) g i e A Perfect Likeness. The near-sighted man and his wife were inspecting the art exhibit. “That's the homeliest portrait I've ever seen,” he said. “Come away, you fool,” said his wife. “You are looking at yourself in a mirror.” say he would send around a man to it. By noon it was known that the King in person, the Prince of Wales, the Archbishop of Canterbury, Lady Astor, John Jones, Ramsay MacDon- ald, Sir Oliver Lodge and others were all working in every direction—in fact, in all directions—to find a for- mula on which to make a settlement. The formula was found about mid- night and announced in the press which reappeared the next morning. The general terms were understood to be: First, that the general strike was called off till the next time; sec- ond, that the royal commission, which had already sat six years, would sit for six days more; that the workers should settle their own wages and the letting the hr:fi work the Bri greatest industrial invention of the - 7 (Copyriht. 1026 Accelerometer. NSTRUMENTS have been devised . for measuring an airplane’s speed, laltitude and direction; mow comes a gauge for the aviator himself, called ‘the accelerometer, -an intricate little .apparatus which shows how his.body reacts to the craft’s-bounces, sudden turns and dips. It is the invention of Lieut. Jamés H. Doolittle of the En- ‘gineering Division of the Army Air ;%:vle_q, according to v Me- <l pilot's seat. his body ‘are outlined on a small strip of film. " " 3 Lieut. \Doolittle has found that a itaneous move- ments of the plane without {ll effects. speed, for instance, the is to the feet. A pilot in the pink of ‘but about 1. seconds is the limit. i it ialtie * Tombs in Mounds.