Evening Star Newspaper, February 21, 1926, Page 71

Traffic BY NINA WTLCOX PUTNAM. S _B. Ographer, the feller that wrote the Life of Gen. George ‘Washington, once saild, “he Queries, couldn’t tell a llar, not unless| he done so with his hatchet.” And the other day I got thinking over how true that is of almost uny of us. little is pretty near impossible to tell are| | By the looks of a person it| | they a liar or mnot, and while we no| longer use them old. absolete, el methods of opening them up with & hatchet, large or little, in order to try and find out what is really going on in their heads. sometimes the temptation to try that method of find- ing out the truth is preity strong. Even I personally myself felt it not long ago when looking at George, that's my husband. It all commenced with him telling me that he was raising a beard, and I not belleving him on account I couldn’t see it. But by the third ¢ after, I didn't need any magnify glass to make out where he was tell- ing the truth, but I couldn’t mu out the reason. \Why he should to go around with a face like a sec ond-hand doormat beyond me, and no matter what he said concern ing it, why it was easy to see that he wasn't telling the truth. Say, George Jules, I says to him, will you kindly tell me what makes you wish to wear that curry-comb on your face when we ain't going to have curry for supper? Don't be absurd, he says, I'm growing this spinach to look dignified, I think there is something awful dignified about a .beard, he rays. And I says, something awful is certainly right, but as to dignitled, there is nothing dignified about a unmowed lawn. It merely gives vour map a rundown appearance. I can't see no excuse for you ralsing a beard. you ain't manu- facturing cough drops, you are in the buttonhole manufacturing business. That's just it. he says, my busi- ness makes It necessary for me to be more dignified. Oh banana cii' 1 says, there’s no meat in that, only folks with weak chins or characters grow them any more, you know, the kind of person that is trying to hide behind something but can’t find any shelter for their face unless they raise it themself. They are now all right for folks who can’t afford a shave and doc- tors who can't keep a poker face, but not in my family. T don't liké you with that stuff below the eyes, 1t looks as if your front hair had slipped off the cliff and been caught on a snag. Besides, it tickles. Now you've sald it, says Geo. in triumph and the act of departure. Why and the world, he says, couldn’t vou tell the truth at the first, it tickles vou, that’s the answer. Now just leave me tell you, I expect this digni- fled appearance is going to tickle my firm on account just as soon as I get it I'm gonner be a dignified, distin- cuished-looking representative that can command a bigger salary, you'll see. Then mavbe youw'll think your husband is some good. Hot Bozo! I says, why George Jules vou've been going to demand that raise in a long while)—and now you're stalling off the job until you raise a beard first, ha, ha, I says, why don't vou merely go to the boss and raise the dickens instead? It's a lot quicker and it would tickle me a whole lot ore pleasantly then your factal agri- culture! * ok ok x ELL, Geo. didn't have any more comback that day, not until his regular train time, anyways, and while he was down to work I got to thinking well, maybe I was pretty near as harsh with the poor dear fel- “OH. I PUT IT NICE, THE SUNDAY STAR, WASHINGTON, D. O, FEBRUARY 21, 1926—PART 5. Getting a Salary Raise and Forecasting Skill George’s Account of Debate With Boss | Suffers Some Important Amendments AT BUT I CERTAINLY WENT RIGHT UP TO IT STRONG!™ cern was showing a little greater ap- preciation of my efforts for them. Oh, I put it nice, but I certainly went right to it strong! Mr. Hincus, 1 says, do you realize how few really worth while buttonhole salesmen there are in this country? I says. I mean men, old boy, who can sell button- holes to a one-piece bathing suit con- cern? Who know how to thoroughly co-operate with the big men in the Button Industry, and get bigger and better buttons right into the place where they belong any seaSon of the year, even when it's so cold that the early morning button stmply won't turn over? See. Jennle, that's the way I put it to him, straight from the shoulder. No? I says. And Geo. from my tone took it for yes. Yes sir, he says, and was old Hi cus surprised? T mean he wa “Why no, Mr. Jules,” he says, “how many such salesmen are there in the country?” See, real attentive, and kinda caught by my personality. Well, old timer, there are only as many as would fill the state hangman's nooses between here and California, and it's a fact that I am one of them. ‘Well, my dear, T could see he was at once impressed with my knowlec of statistics, so I set down and give him a few more, not in a way to make him feel too cheap yaunder- stand. but with plenty punch. Now Mr. Hincus, I told him, I understand that I am a pretty valuable man around here, not that I want to boost myself, but other firms are making me pretty handsome offers, on ac- count principally o0f my unusual abil- ity to tell a slip-stitch $ab from a hand hammered one with my eyes blindfolded. The Self-Buttoning Buttonhole peo- ple are putting out a new line of laundry-proof stuff for underwear, and I understand they would like me to handle it—in fact, their man Whosis insisted on me handling a sample at lunch yesterday, but ‘I am loyal to this firm, little a5 I think of what you folks pay me, and of my utter con- tempt for the way the office is run. I ler’s ambitions as his pres. face is to me, I will try and make up when he comes home. So I made up, not too much rouge, not over two tons, and half a yard of washable lipstick, and while T was dolng so, Geo. arrived home and commenced washing up. While he done this he left the bath- room door open and turned on the hot water and a steady flow of conversa- tion at the some time, Well, he says, as I told the boss to- day, it’s just about time his old con- wouldn’t want to hurt your feelings, but I'll stay with you, if you insist, at the proper figure, and quite frank- ly, Mr. Hincus, T am willing to throw in some advice about how the. place could be one hundred per cent im- proved, yes, by George, one hundred per cent. No? I says again, in the same tone. Yes! says Geo. And I mean the old fool certalnly was impressed. ‘“Well, old man,” he says to me, “that fs pretty decent of you, what would you likke us to do, T had no idea you weren't perfectly content, we are more then satisfled with your work, what would you suggest we do to econo- mize, for instance?’ Well, of course after all I've stood from that big fish in the past, I hadn’t no intention of letting him off too easy, 8o 1 says well, you poor old oil can, I suppose I can't commence by telling you to fire yourself first, which is what we really need. But outside of that, I think first of all I better come in here as general manager. Then I think we better see about either buying a new office build- ing or building one—nothing shbddy, something around a million and a half, we could easily finance that, see, by putting out a new buttonhole, some- thing entirely up to date—I have the very ldea, a non-freezing buttonhole that will never freeze solid during the night and make you late mornings on account you have to open them with the meat axe before you are able to dress, like you do with the ordinary buttonhole this cold weather, see? I would be perfectly willing to sell vou that idea for fifty-one per cent of the stock. “That's a magnifieent in- vention, Jules,” he says. “Was there anything else you wanted? Well, T'd like to have you call me “sir’ when you speak to me from now on, I Hot Bozo' T says. with the auto- matic admiration which Geo. always expects when he gets talking that way. You certainly told him where to get off, didn’t you, dear, well I'll bet he deserved fit, the brute. Oh! he ain't exactly a brute, says Geo. He's merely a poor nitwit that ain’t fit to be holding his job, why if I had had his opportunity and my brains, heavens knows where I would be by today. I certainly handed him some few home-truths, though and I'm glad I done so. Well dear, I says, how about you going with that other concern? % Oh them, says Geo., I guess I could get with them if I was to try, I know the feller who takes the senior mem- ber’s wife's dog to walk, real well. I could just send in my card anytime. Yes dear, I says, but didn't Mr. Hin. cus say anything definite to you about a raise after all you told him for his own good? No, not exactly, says Geo. But I expect to hear from him on the matter of salary tomorrow, if he does the right thing he will certainly give me at least a hundred a week more then I am now getting, especlally after the long talk we had together today. Well T certalnly am impressed with you, George, I says. And I didn't get no further then that, on account about then our Junior rushed into the room and says Mr. Hincus was down in the living room and ‘wanted to see poppa and momma. Well, for some reason George wasn't exactly cordia] about me coming down with him, but’ try and prevent me! I was just wild to see (ieorge's boss and I was even wilder after I had done so, although not with him. Mr. Hincus was real sweet and cordial as pre-war apricot brandy. “So this is the little woman!" he says on meeting me, “‘well, well, charmed 1 am sure. Now I have a nice little surprise for you both and as I and my wife have just moved into the neighborhood and I was out for a little stroll, I though I would Just drop in and tell it to you.” Y says we. ‘‘Yes, says he. Now Jules, my good man, I heard today, from my stenographer, Miss Nothing, that you wanted to ask me for a ten dollar ralse, but were afrald to tell me s0. Now you must not blame the little girl for repeating it to me, 1 know you mentioned the matter to her in the strictest oonfidence, so it was only natural that she would have come di rectly to me about it She also confided to me your idea about the non-freezing buttonhole. And I mav say that it is not a bad idea—not half bad, but it is of no use to our firm because most of our clients are in Figrida this Winter and we are devoting Wur attention to a little in- vention of my own—an extra strength buttonhole especially constructed for holding real estate insignia in the lapel. But about the raise, don't worry, you shall have five a week more, beginning on Saturday next, and another five in six months, if you continue to do as well with your gross. Now good night, folks.” And before I got a chance to open my mouth he was gone, and so was George. Mr. Hincus left by the front door, and Junior could show me which | way George had went, his young eyes is quicker then mine. So I followed George up to the bathroom, and there of all things if he wasn’'t shaving off that beard Well George Jules! I says, of all things! And why are you doing that? George looked out at me across the foam and give one dying gasp. T been thinking over what you said about great men and beards, he says, and T realize where the boss wouldn’t think so much of me if there wasn't something great about me. But Gen. George Washington never had a beard, d from now on, neither do I. (Copyright. 1926.) How Would You Stop Motor Accidents, If You Had to Settle the Big Problem? BY SAM HELLMAN. HESE safety first cam- paigns don’t seem to help much,” remarks the frau. N says I “Young will insist on get- (13 felles ting married.” “T'm talking about automobile accl- dents,” comes back the misses, cold. “Did you know that more than 20,000 folks were killed last year?"” “Sounds reasonable,” I returns. “‘Reasonable!” exclaims the wife. “Does it seem reasonable to you that that many people shoul be killed after all the years of safety campaign- ing?” fSure,” says I “Two hundred thousand would be about the right number if everybody got killed that ought to be. killed.” “What do vou mean—ought?” de- mands Kate. “How many lads,” I asks, “have vou seen beating trains across the track by the skin of a snake’'s eye- teeth? How many guys have you seen cutting through traffic at the rate of eighty-six miles and two blocks per the hour. If every one of 'em had been killed in 1925 there would have been no accidents in 1926. The trouble is that not enough auto- mobile drivers were killed last year and too many innocent bystanders. Those reckless bables who haven't been bumped off are a menace as long as they live, aren’t they?" “Maybe they won't be so reckless this year,” suggests Kate. “Bunk!” T snorts. “The unburned child don’t dread the fire and a reck- Jess driver stays reckless as long as he can get away with his reckless- ness.” 1 thought,” that these safety campaigns would— Safety campaigns help a lot,” T cuts in, “but all the safety campaigns in the world aii’'t going to stop & bimbo saturated with bad hooch from trying to take a slippery curve at eighty miles an hour; no ‘Stop, look and listen’ sign is going to prevent & cake-eater from driving with *one hand, and all the talk in the country won't wipe out the pesty breed of show-offs.” “I was reading the other day,” re- marks Kate, “where a man had a plan to cut down speeding.” “What was that?” 1 asks. “A scheme to put square wheels on the| machines? | No,” returns the wife, solemn, “this | was another idea. This man had a kind_of machine that regulated the speed of the car. He suggested that after a driver was arrested once the dingus be 80 attached and locked that the automobile wouldn’t be able to go more than twenty miles an hour, If he was arrested again for speed- ing"'— Y vs the frau, think of that.” admits the misses, “and maybe the inventor didn't, either, but that's got nothing to do with the effectiveness of the scheme, has it?” “No,” I assures her, “not any more than food has anything to do with a meal; but go on.” “If he was arrested a second time,” goes on the wife, “another .notch would be taken in the dingus and it wouldn't be able to go more than fifteen miles an hour. Then, If he was arrested a third time, he “What for now?” I cuts in. ing_traffic?” “For the third offense,” continues the misses, “the speed would be cut to ten miles an hour.” “What would happen.” I inquire: “if he was pinched a fourth ti Would they fix it so the macl would only go In reverse?" “Don't be silly,” snaps Kate. “I think some kind of scheme that would cut down speed would be 2 good thing, don't you?” “No, I don't,” I tells her. hasn’'t much to do with accident: “What has?” asks the frau, Block- sar- castic. “The color of the license plates or the kind of plush on the back seats?” “Careless driving causes 'em all,” I returns. “A bloke that don't know how to drive and loses his head in a jam is more of a menace when he's going five miles an nhour than an experi- enced, clear-headed, sober driver, who knows and obeys the rules of the road, is when he's going ninety-eight miles an hour.” “That's only partly true,” sniffs the wife. “You know as well as I do that people golng fast and keeping to all the rules are always running down people.” “That's because the walker is care- less,” I comes ba “To make a good accident somebody’s got to be careless. The safest driver in the world can't avold hitting a kid that suddenly jumps out from hehind a hedge and starts chasing a bail across the street. 1 remember in the days before auto- mobiles when children were always being killed by ice and coal wagons, and if you know anything slower than those I'd wish you'd tell me.” “I know something much slower,” returns Kate, “but I don't want to get personal. What would you do to stop automobile accidents?” “In the first place, says I, “I wouldn’t arrest reckless drivers. I'd encourage them?” “What do you mean?” puzzles the misses. Well,” says I, “I'd get a line on who the lads were in my precinct that were trying to speed over the fenders of locomotives and zigzag through trafic at the rate of umpty-elght miles a minute. After I had about 20 of them ticketed I'd send 'em an invitation to a battle royal.” “What's that?” inquires Kate. “A battle royal,” I explains, “is a fight where you put about ten men in the samé ring. They batter each other up until one is left. He wins the prize.” “What,” asks the frau, “has this got to do with the case?"” “I'd get me a mile straightaway,” I goes oo, “and put ten drivers on one end of the track and ten on the other. There'd Jugt be room for ten cars. And then I'd send them speeding at each other. I'd have 'em driving at each other until all of them were bumped off except one, and I'd give him the prize.” “The prize being?” asks Kate. “The choice bétween 30 days on the rockpile,” I replies, “and a job on the mcl%ge for 30 day: “Why don't you be serious?” urges the misses. make driving safe?” “No,” I growls. *“Not as long as fat-headed parents are going to place high-powered torpedoes in the hands of 16 and 17 year old kids with no sense of responsibility and a newly developed . appetite for gin. Not as long as a millionaire’s son is going to be fined $5 for going 60 miles an hour through a children’s playground. Not as long as folks are going to fight over the right of way, as if it made any difference who's right of way it 18.” “What do you mean?” snaps the frau. “It es no difference who's right of way it is.” “I'll recite the answer,” says I: LR T . Geqd right, se b long. R Tt Tl as dad 0 %0 v smlong: (Copyright. 1926.) Cocaine Substitute. NEW synthetic substitute for co- caine which can be used as a lo- cal anesthetic has been discovered in Germany. It is named “totokain” and is prepared from some of the inter- mediate products in the manufacture Business of Prophecy Fails to Keep Up To Historic Standing as Potent Force BY STEPHEN LEACOCK. ONTINUED _observations of the columns of the press ex- tended over fifty-six years and ten days without remis- sion has convinced me that the prophecy business is in danger of extinction. A generation or So ago the opening months of the vear were always filled with the striking fore- casts of what was going to happen in the course of the year. It was a regular part of the newspaper busi- ness. Take the simplest case of all—the end of the world. This little event, quiet and insignificant though it may seem to us after the excitement of the great war and the coal strikes always used to fill a largg share of public attention. There was a very general notion that the world was bound to come to an end—a bad end— and that unless people were on the alert and looking for ft, they might miss it. Hence the annual crop of prophecies which ran in the press from New Year's d: till about Eas. ter time and which corresponded more or less to the following samples, from the year I8 STARTLING FOREC. sian peasant, living in Semipa insk | has foretold that the world w end In August. The wildest excitement prevails not only in Semipalatinsk but in the whole of it. EXTRAORDINARY PROPHECY— Rumbumbabad, Indla, April 1. The whole neighborhood has been thrown into a turmoll by the prophecy of Ram Slim, a Yogi of this district, who has foretold that the world will come to an end in September. People are pouring into Rumbumbabad in ox- carts from all directions. Business in Rumbumbabad is at a standstill. EXCITEMENT IN MIDGEVILLE, OHIO—William Bessemer Jones, a retired farmer of Cuyahoga, Ohio, has foretoid that the world will end in October. People are flocking into Midgeville in lumber wagons from all parts of the country. Jones, who bases his prophecy on the Bible, had hitherto been thought to be half-wit- ted. This is now recognized to have been a wrong estimate of his powers. Business in Midgeville is at a stand- still. INDIANS QUIT WORK — Dog's Foot, Wyoming. April 1. An Indian of the Cheyenne tribe has foretold that the world will end in December. Busi ness among the Indians is at & stand- still .DECLINE OF AN INSTITUTION. On the other hand, so far at least as I know, riothing serious has been done about the end of the world for vears past. In place of the good old proph- ecles the only thing we can find in the vress is something of this sort: “London, February 21, 1926—Speak ing at a meeting of the British Asso- clation, Sir Oliver Lodge estimated the hle duration of the solar system 0,000,000 years. Beyond that he was unwilling to make any definite AR promise. He added that our own glube might cease to be habitable after a much shorter period, perhaps only 100,000,000 years. At the close of the “AN INDIAN OF THE CHEYENNE TRIBE HAS FORETOLD THAT THE WORLD WILL END IN DE( 'EMBER—AND BUSIN AN END AMONG THE INDIANS.” address a luncheon was tendered Sir_Oliver.” (But_how could they have had the | heart to eat t7) 1 to Second best in the program of the old fashioned proph casts of years of great disaster. were generally dished up with sensation and styl the quieter stuff about the end the world In fact, it was much more .|m-:n\tu.':’ Thus: ARTLING P PARIS.—All Paris over the extraord adame Cleo de ( approaching events Madame Cle and a cla to sudden promi by he ihe “ies were the fore They re ROPHECY wildly excited | prophe - in regard to the present| who is now wide- | diseuse v is that word v pt. In all Pa e four by substitutis > word | gure 11 ‘fnr C, 8 for Z, 8 f | produced the date 1888 and indicted that some attempt would be made to A inate the Czar. me de Clichy’s that the newest proph- 1859 She at ns, dust, winds, disadvantages. clairvoyante has liate popularity in that her forecast g attempted ® expe besieged by is lets storm disasters 1d earthquikes with p ex hitherto of her. eclipses and gr Her s |erowds 1 srophecs THE the eager pulsating rophecy the cold and business fore that ap- peared in the press las rofessor Glump, of the Glump Busi Just sent out an ac business conditions istician eau, has ion of g indica di the Summer. The professor's analysis shows a distinct rise of .0001 per cent in one hundred commodity prices averaged over a hundred years. He finds that a multiplication of per capita imports by per capita ex- ports and a division by the Index figure of the month produces a result about as closa to zero as he can get. These results are occasioning in busi ness circles a widespread feeling of indeed, almost of boyish- ness. It is felt that we are very likely on the crest of a great wave of pros perity, either on the crest or in the trough. THE WEATHER REPORT. Another department of human life in which our power to foretell the future has sadly declined, is the mat ter of the weather. Everybody knows that after all the money we hav spent upon the thing the best ou meteorological experts can do s to peer into the mist for about twenty four hours ahead. As to what is go ing to happen next summer or next autumn, they are utterly powerless But contrast the 108t uncanny powers poussessed by the marvelous men who used (in 1880, or there abouts) to compile the Farmer's Al manacs and Busy Man’s Guide, and Every Man's Annual. - These experts could look fearlessly through six months of cosmic change and hit the weather to 2 halr. Notice this prediction made for 1881 and actually published with true scien tific daring three months before the year began: WEATHER FOR JUNE. FIRST WEEK .WIND SECOND_V THIRD WEEK...... FOURTH WEEK.. Readers will be glad to know that the records show thut this prophecy turned out to be absolutely true. Tt was followed—for these men made & rule of duplicating every success—by a prophecy for January, 1882, which came right to a dot. WEATHER FOR JANUARY. FIRST W SNOW SECOND WE! THIRD W FOURTH W One admits that-these men of course were geniuses. But it seems a pity that our scientists today can come no closer to imitating their success than to publish such limited things as: WASHINGTON, D. C., 4 AM. “An area of low depression is mov ing up from the Gulf of Mexico to | the Appalachian region. There is a steady rise in temperature in Tomb stone, Arizona, but the barometer and the thermometer and the anemometer very low at White Fish, Lake Superibr. Quite so. And going to be? | depression:_we |for that. What Still 1 suppose chat is the weather ever mind the low can take something about the weather? life can't be all progress. We must fall behind in some things. In this prophecy busi pess we are clean out of it. (Copsright. 1926.) Author Admits He Was Never Married, BY RING LARDNER. O the editor: A prominent mem- ber of the Winter colony at Belleair, Fla., is none other than Geo. Ade, who has the same room annually at the big hotel. Mr. Ade blundered into the limelight as a Chicago newspaper man 30 years ago, when he wrote a series of short sketches about daily events in the Keystone city. One of the re- markable things about Mr. Ade's works is their familiarity with the problems of married life, and this in spite of the fact that he never mar- ried. “Isn't there any way to] “You never married, did you, Mr. Ade?” a reporter once asked: “No," was the instant reply. The next step in the Indiana boy's career was a promotion to war corre- spondent during th fake fight between “I TAKE GREAT PLEASURE IN INTRODUCING TO YOU MR. RGE_ADE.” Spain and the United States. It was him that first shot back wd. to the papers that Three Oaks, Mich., had been awarded the Dewey cannon. Tt was the faint hope of his managing editor that he would not return from the war, but the Spaniards mistook him for an American soldler and couldn’t shoot nowheres near him. Mr. Ade then started writing plays and turned out a number of hits, chief amongst which was The College BY ED W EAR Mr. Wynn: I have been In America for the past six months without earning one dollar. I am an artist, having studied in France and Italy. I am an expert on portraits of women, having made a specialty of painting ladies faces. Can you tell me why I cannot get at least one job? Yours truly, . MINNIE ATTURE. Answer: You are in the wrong ecoun- try. In the United States vou will {find that all the ladies paint their | own fact Dear Mr. Wynn: According to my | | history teache: school, Christopher Columbus took a couple of schooners and discovered America? Don't you Widow, an) imitationt of Leave ItiTo| Jane and Gil Blas. The success of his plays was attributed 40 the ness of the dial “You never 1 Ade?” a reported onc. forgotten asking this question before | and what he meant to ask this time | was how Geo. wrote such natural dialogue. “There is no mystery about it,” re- plied the big Nordic. ‘“Most play- natural- . did you, Mr. sked.” He had “MR. ADE THEN STARTED VWRITI\'(‘. PLAYS.” wrights write their dialogue on one typewriter. T always used two, switch ing from one to the other as the speeches shifted from char; character. Onc of the types was kind of worh out and several let- ters was missing, so 1 used it for dialect.” Before the invention of the type- writer Mr. Ade used a blunt pencil for blunt speeches and vice versa. He knew every trick of the trade. It was part of his charm. But Solves Problems of Wedded Life | During one of the first Winters Mr. | Ade spent in Belleair he was invited to a luncheon of the Rotary Club at Tampa. He accepted an conditon that they would not call on him for a speech. The master of ceremonies assured him his wishes would be re- spected, but after the smelt course the toastmaster got up and said: “Gentlemen, 1 take great pleasure in introducing to you Mr. Geo. Ade, America’s clown. This soubriquet so pleased the big farmed that ke overlooked his reso- Iution not to talk and made a4 speech consisting of three words which are unprintable. Mr. Ade's chief outdoor recreation is riding to hounds. Whenever he sees a hound he rides right to him. He is a topping golfer. His favorite indoor game used to be roulette and his system was to play the number which was his age. For example, when he was 14 he always plaved 14 and when he got to be 36 he played 36. For the past several years, not wishing to change his system, he has devoted his time to pinoch As a writer Mr. ared with Eddie Ade has been com- est, Dr. Frank Crane and Upton Sinclair amongst his contemporarics, and Jane Austen, Marilyn Miller Hughie Fullerton amongst his predecessors. It is almost uncanny. Mr. Ade always does his writing with a patchwork quilt bound tightly around his wrists, which have pre- viously been cauterized. “It s & mistake to write too fast.” he explains. “With this getup. it is not only impossible to write fast, but hardly likely to write at all. Hot dog.” Mr. Ade attended a minstrel show the other night at Clearwater, Belle air's neighbor on the north. He re ports hearmg the following wow: An old colored lady and her little girl aninny) went into a railroad stz > give me a ticket it a minute,” the agent replied and sought in vain through the list of stations in his timetable. Finally giving up, he said “Do you know where Magnolia is?” “I sho does” said the old lady. ;Shn's right here by me with the biue at.” You never married, did you, Mr. Ade?" asked the reporter. No,” he answered without an in- stant's hesitation. took & couple of schooners of the kind of stuff they arve making now, there is no telling what he would discover. Dear Mr. Wynn: I am filling out an application for a job as a letter car- rier. One of the questions is: “How far is it from Boston to Tucson, Ariz,?” What answer shall 1 give? WILL I B. WON. Answer: Tell the Government if that is to be your route you don’t want the job without an airplane. Dear Mr. ynn: 1 keeper in - a pretty office an argument “snake”. Wasn't t Truly am a book- | > also works | day we had | she called me a | at awzul? our: think that is wonderful? Answer: Tt was wonderful in those I PUSHAP] Answer: Don't take it to heart. ‘It because you are a bookkeeper, mean- ing that you were an “adder.” Dear Mr. Wynn: I am a man 33 years of age. I am a manager of the hairnet department in a 6c and 10c store. I rode my bievcle 'way out in the country last Sunday. A wild cow chased me for 2 miles. I found out later the cow was mad because she lost her calf, but why did she chase me? Yours trul I. NEV] Answer: The cow mos you for the calf, RSHAVE. likely took Dear Mr. Wynn: T ngtice at all the bathing s that in the last five years moths have almost entirely dis- appeared. Can you account for them staying away from beach resorts? sounds worse than what she probably meant. You see, you are & book- of attificlal subbels . ' days bus i Columbus lived today apd km,-luhmcdwua‘M" 575 Yours truly, C. DERCHEST. Angwer; The reason moths swifi Puzzling Questions Easily Answered In This Column by “The Perfect Fool” away from bathing beaches nowa- days is because of the women’s bath- ing suits. The moths realize they would starve to death. Dear Mr. Wynn: I am a boy nine years of age. My Sunday School les- Bon last week was all about Adam in the Garden of Eden. I noticed that nothing was said about_.Adam as a baby. I spoke to mother about it and she says the reason Adam was never a_baby was because there was | no one to nurse him. Do do believe | that? | Yours truly, I M. THINKING Next week. THE PERFECT FOOL. Ed. Wsnn, as he has often told you, {s one gf, the, Yiseit men o, the world, He “sees “he knows ail. think you ‘ca Stump’ bim with any '8 question? kind of a q ? o, send it to hi ' L i sad o tn b au S ACopyright, 19260 Answer: