Evening Star Newspaper, January 10, 1926, Page 77

’ 1 " tlon—in tabl THE SUNDAY STAR, WASHINGTON, D. C., JANUARY 10, 1926—PART 5. Crime Crops, Price-Raising Strikes and Some Sympathetic Acts lPages From the Diary of a Consumer Old Practice of Looking for Symptoms Has Its Drawbacks, the Wife Discovers BY NINA WILCOX PUTNAM. As Irrisipilus, the great Roman horse doctor, once write as a perscrip t form, probably, paper being scarce in them old ancient days —well yways, as he once wrote “Im memorium pro bonehead publico, maleritius And whatever that means, the truth of it certainly come home to me last week when 1 made up my George, that's my hushand worried over me half enough lately, and that it was high time I com menced complaining about not feeling 8o good, and etc. As every female wor especially if married. ona w 1 husband is to keep him worried, and if she don’t fall sick onct ina while, why he is kinda apt to fall down 1 so0. 1 hadn't keep n his aving al 1 had ad Old Doc Almani give us for is Alma i Leuin, noof d T wo te all well. In on the din. and wan, hing be very be—some and wandering, J guess anyways, when Geo. ween me once says, all sweet &'mpathy, the vou laying ¢ you know it is nearly And [ says ves, dear, erable, T don't feel 1 feel bad, in the virtuous Weli. when that finally shed his coat and set Ipless w was laying pale a devil what seems ite kn seems w, to ne thing e my hair for normal. what is that And 1 give eut and I've is growi And Geo. & sign of, d've fa 1 Suppose ind | mind that | i Comes 11 Nain | “THAT EVENING WHEN GEO. CAME HOME FROM THE OFFICE HE CAUGHT ME SCRUBBING THE KITCHEN FLOOR.” how about a Mttle fruit? So I tried the grocer—tried him considerably I guess, picking the stuff over like 1 did, but as he had no grapefruit, I finally walked out on him, too. Outside, I says to myself. Hot Bozo! since things Is high. why don't I buy her something real practical, rething she can make use out of fter she gets her strength back and 1wt at the time will show Ler my feelings And then, just rapidly along Ma I notice in Junk's Hardware Co. only the cutest new hammers at only 35¢ net, so I dashed in and had them take the price off of one and wrap <0 sume s T was walking St. what should a groan and sa g bobbed hair like mine. putation is g v soon. hope v repai he says sure, but I expecially with n am: ssary pretty Geo u un't gonner be laid up for ind T says I hope not, and well vou lay still get the dinner? And I know perfectly well T prefer make got up and bly with all the cook not doing a thing only opening the canned soup, | canned vegetables, canned cold weat ind canned eclairs for me * WELL Hot Bozo! ¢ can't, effort you vou morning went away to business prop- erly depressed, but kind of glad to escape, the way men are, and I was loafing around the house wondering £ 1 was well enough to go out. when what would ring only the telephone, nd thefe was that Joe Bush of the Hawthorne Club on the wire. Say Jennie, he says to me, I got a chunk of bad news for vou. he says, and I says my heavens don't tell me Mabel lost that evening coat I loaned her. T couldn’t "bear it! And he neither could I. no, it is merel Mabel was took to the Aunty Scep- ic Hospital last night, only yester- day ernoon we discovered how bad was, and she's out of the| laughing gas now, I wisht you could run_over and see her. Well, naturally, run wasn't hardly he word for what I did. 1 was so afraid I was gonner miss something that I didn't hardly stop on my way there long enough to buy Mabel a ittle token Low I felt regarding her. Of flowers, while she could still them. was a nice idea, hut found lemon blos- soms w ir each. and they the only the florist store I cared for, ahy seemed foolish she smell when 1 Blooms can't 1] ! they it up nice. After which I was all set for the hospital, feeling thor- oughly satisfied with what a big- hearted Hannah I was, and realiz- ing where, if Mabel didn live, my present would at any rate come in the undertaker * ok ox % HE Aunty Sceptic Hospital is one the finest buildings we got in vood, and operated on a very roandminded basis. I don't mean alone that the surgeons there is notedly broadminded about wheth- er the patient lives or dies, I mean are also the same about who iey allow in, and there is a lovely sediment to this effect in carved stone over the main enteance. It says “Devoted to The Charge of the Sick, Without Regard to Politics, Bank Account or Impeachments.” And by a2ll accounts they certainly Qo charze wonderfully I personally myself hadn't heen in the bldg. before. so I hardly know how to speak y in the white linen kelly was sitting behind the big deak. handy for Ding never to the which But 1 needn’t of bothered on account she | spoke first, giving me a plercing look. and she says, well, what's the matter with vou? And I says well, that's me, pertectly well. Who d'you wanner see” says she then, not in the least believing me, and exraying my face with a glance like she was counting the fillings in my teeth even before I had a chanst to open my mouth. Well, I wanner see a patient, I says to her in a weak voice. What color, says the nurse. I ain’t sure, I says, on account I have never seen her without her make-up, but T guess that after the operation she must be fairly white, I says. Any ways, she's a particular friend of mine. a Mrs. Joe Bush. The nurse didn't believe me, even then, until she had read up the law, or something in a big book where she to spend the money. I thought, well now, if not flowers, seemed to have all the awiul details parked. Then she looked up at me. didn't | Ah, ves, she sayg. I think it will be all right for you to Ko on up, number 1313, take the elevator, please! Well, that nurse may of thought it was all right for me to go right up, but before the boy had reached the thirteenth floor I didn’t feel so sure, on account at about the second floor two walters, or something, trundled into the cage with me a little white table built something on the style of a froning hoard, and although it was perfectly empty, something told me it wasn't meant to eat on. and I didn’t care for it, at all. In fact there was absolutely nothing attractive about ft. Kk AND Hot Bozo! if the darned thing didn't get taken off at the me. and go trundling down the right ahead. This was mor'n 1 could stand and 1 the elevator boy, for comfort boy, 1 says, which way thirteen” And the elevator foller the band wagon idors down and two to the right last door on the left, leave operating room on your right. crossing bridge, to Annex Well, when he handed me them dl- rections, I took one good look at all the open doors along the hall Heayv ens knew what kind of room they was opening on. or what a person might see inside, if rash enough fo look. As for how I felt when I thought of what might come out of them doors at any minute, why I weskened completely, but just to ate, seeing that the ele- vator door was already slammed, | leaving me to my fate. and the ele. vat traveling down at a terrible vate. So, with my heart doing the same 1 walked ahead. trying not to look as I done so. And after passing E 1 groans, a few pitchers of dead | flowers. 'and about a milllon vears of time, I come to the spot where I expected the body to be found. Well. T didn't waste no time knock- ing. and when the nurse let me in, there was In the bed a person which she assured me it was Mahel Bush, but naturally she seemed a perfect stranger to me—perfect in the one sense only. nobody could of called her really perfect in the best sense, not with that horse-and-buggv period nightgown on, and her hair brushed the way it was ea<iast for the nurse So she says why hello, dear! And 1 savs, hello, Mebel, in a brave, cheer- ful “tone calculated to make the healthiest person worry about their- self. Hello, dear, why. you are look- ing fine! I smys. And Mabel says now Jennie .ules, how can you be <o unsympathetic, I've had a per- fectly awful time, why do vou know. the ddetor told me only this morning sam floor corridor Hey, irteen chaffeur turned to | it's six | lat all is a {pose he won't do a thing for it, I had the worst case of inhibitions they had ever operated on in this hos- pitall Isn't that so, Miss Take? she says to the nurse, and the nurse says vessindeedie! My! is that so? I says. Yes, save Mabel, they didn't hardly think I'd live, and the woman in the next room didn’'t live, so you see I was pretty near dead! And 1 says my. what what a pleasant room you've here, dear, must hurry up and get well You can use the little token I brougiht you. And before she would answer Miss Take had grabbed the box out of my hand. How lovely! she mys without even opening it. ex cuse me while 1 go and put them in water’ And then she went out and S0 did the conversation, for a few minutes. but got a pity ve I cerminy baa Mabe! * x awful time. How 1 ever lived jut tell me, how > And 1 says, I'm afraid George has a perfectly hopeless case of good health. How is Joe, he seemed in a awful state when he called me 1p this mornin And Mabel savs to me, she says, ohi dear 1 am terrible worrted over Joe. < 1 sup me oltely savs at miracle Geor never will untll they are made but I'm Iy worry over him, on account he told me last week that his whole filing tem is terrtbly out of order: So T says well now d mustn’t worr yYou must and get well, this certainly is a Dleasant room you got. but I'm gon ner get out of it just the very imin ute the nurse comes back Well, the nurse done so soon, with my hammer in a vase. out of pure, or something, habi and Mabel says my, how pretty’ of ditto. And then I says sorry I have to rush, dear, I'd love to sit here all day. only I simpiy can't. I know you understand. And then I beat it for air, luckily reaching the public street before anything caugh me or T caught anything. T:h:A( evening when Geo. came home from the office he caught me scrubbing the kitchen floor and sing. ing at my work to prove how healthy I was. Why. dear, ought to be doing that, had vou? How do you feel—fit? And T gnvs lookit here George Jules. I never had a fit in my life, but I'm lable to throw one right now if you talk about symptoms any more. [ never intend to be sick again in my life, I says. so don't start anything by pouring Banana Ofl upon the already Trou- bled Waters? (Covyright. 1926.) ab to, r. you Ty up pretty he says. vou hadn't American Crime Crop and the Rémedy, According to “High Dome” Finnegan BY SAM HELLMAN. | SEE” I remarks to “High| Dome” Finnegan, “where | nized a big com- find out what | the crime crop grow | says he. “but it's the bunk. need no committees to dis- the porch climbing and nes are flourishing. | s to take a look at vou know, the guy | p down i Con- | You don't cover why second-sto ANl you ot to do the Chapman case that bumped off a ¢ nectic “How's Chere's * 1 inquires. mbo,” explainy ‘High | Dome been robbing banks | nd such for about 10 15 years, shooting & bank cashier or n polfce- | man every now and then tc keep up his pistol practice, and hers he is tc day having a debate with thie Supreme | Court _about 1 id do about him | “You can =full it off for years and| years until most of the witnesses that yw anything about the case have shuffled off or forzet all thev ever| knew. With enough Jack this lad| Chapman Il be able to get a rehearing | or two, and after that's flopped, a good mouthpiec be able to show that the crook balmy while in jail and | get a sanity commission to look him| over.” “Mayhe am't = T. “but all of that| = to im any good.” Perhaps not.” returns Finnegan, “but it's going fo give him time, and time’s & biz thing with a bobo that can walk out of jails almost at will. Besides you ot to remember that this CTnapman baby's got brains and he can probabiy fake insanity good enough to get by some of them high- priced aliens {ou can't ime a guy for using every trick they is in the hook to get @ client off, no more than you can blame a bex-fighter for using every trick to squzeah the other baby. What we call criminal laws in America to- sdav ain’t nothing but a Swiss cheese.” “3iuh!" 1 inanir “Just a bunch of holes jotned to- gether,” explains Finnegan, “and it! don't even take a good lawyer to find @ dozen or to drag his client through. Of course, the birds that made the laws had the best intentions in the world, but they went so goofy over protecting the property and pe ronal rights of the crooks that the forgot all about the rights of the guy that weren't in bad with the bulls. I guess the jury system is responsible more than anything else for the per- manent crime wave we got.” “How do you figure that?" I happened to be in court the other day,” replies “Hizh Dome,” “where a dip ‘was on trial for robbery and as- sault. He frisked a guy and then beat him up in the bargain, on account of the victim not having enough loot for him. About 11000 saw the job pulled, and the guy on trial had a criminai record as long as your arm. The jury was made up of the usual flatheads that a lawyer will select when he hasn't got a case. About three of them didn’t understand enough English to know what the testimony was all about, six more of 'em didn’t have enough intelligence to understand what was going on. one dozed all of the time and the other two were sore about being called for jury duty and cted like they were zoing to et even eturning the wrong verdict “What happened?”’ I asked. “The stick-up man’s lawyer,” goes on Finnegan, “like T told vou. dldn’t have a case, so he W t on to show that a lot of the witnesses had bad records, one of ‘em had been arrested for using the American flag for an ad, another had been pinched 20 years be. fore on the charge of stealing a dog, I asks. another had been in trouble over run- ping down somebody with an automo- ile—-" “What.” T cuts in, “aid all of this have to do with the case?” “It had as much to do the case,” returns “High Dome,” “as the price of friend spinach in Siam has, but according to the law of evidence you can treat a witness Iike a crook 48 a reward for him trying to help the State out. Anyhow on Fin- negan, “the mouthplece finished up by showing that the cop who'd made the pinch had been suspended 11 years before for beating up a crook with a rubber hose. T could see the case slip- ping right there. That's the best bet lawyers have—going after the cop. All 'you got to do fs to show that he was brutal once and everybody that {was ever bawled out by a traflic cop— and that's everybody—immediately flops over to the side of the bird that was treated rough.” So the lead-pipe baby got off. eh?” 1 remarks. *“I'll say he did,” returns “High Dome.” “By the time the lawyer got done telling about the dip's wife and two children the jury was blubbering with so hard that they forgot all about the guy who was beaten up and robbed of all his savings, having a wife and six children. What would you do?" I inquires. “Get rid of the jury system?” “I would,” says innegan, “except- ing in cases where a bird's life was at stake, or I'd fix it like this: If a guy insisted on a jury trial he could have it, but there would be no appeal from a jury verdiet “The French have the right idea They have three judges sitting togeth er, and it takes two of 'em to bring in a verdict and all three of them in cap- ital cases. That's the plan I'd have if I had anything to do with it. Over there, 100, the crook’s got to prove that he is innocent, instead of leaving | it up to the stete to prove that he is guilty. The result is they got more crime in one precinct around in the gashouse district in New York in a month than they have in France all vear.” “That sounds pretty good,” T agrees, | “but don’t politicians get to the judges over in Europe? “They do not, most places over there they're elected for life, and that’s one of the firs things they ~ght to do over her when they gew feady to give the law a grand shake-up. (Covyrikht. 1926.) Telephone in Elevator. NOTIClNfl that - apartment-house tenants seemed fond of airing their troubles to elevator operators, the owner of a de luxe apartment house in New York City installed an unseen telephone in the elevaror, says Popular Science Monthly. As a ten- ant rides up or down in the elevator, she unknowingly talks to a young man at the other end of the line, who is sitting out of sight in the entrance hall below. If she tells him about the burned-out fuse, or the leak in the sink, the matler is attended to at once, and th. apartment-house gears shift smoothly. It is & great success, according to weports, in keeping the tenants content with thelr landlord. Plenty of Coal Left. ACCORDI.\'G to estimates, about one per cent of the bituminous and 25 per cent of the anthracite coal resources of this country have been mined. with | Out | replies Finnegan. “In | Reveal a Great Industrial Struggle BY STEPHEN LEACOCK. MONDAY IDING down in the street car this morning, 1 was greatly disturbed by reading in the paper that there s every chance of a big coal strike. It appears that a million miners are ready to lay down their picks at mid night at the end of the week. It made me feel cold Just to think of it. My overcoat felt so thin as I got off the car—as if the wind were blowing through me. 1 asked the car conductor if he thought there would be a coal strike and he sald, “Sure thing.” And I asked the boy who sells me papers outside the office what he thought and he sald he thought there would he a strike sure. The janitor thinks there will be, too Meantime nut coal went up 50 cents a ton at noon today. And my coal man says he won't be responsible that it won't go up another 50 cents this evening. 1 asked him, would he be responsible that it won't go up a dol ar: and he sald that he would not; he says he won't guarantee anything: he thinks the best plan is to keep on buying coal each time it rises. I noticed in the last evening edition of the paper that there may be a big strike over in England of the dock orkers and the railway men and the cuck workers: they say it's likely t the whole of Engiand will be tied up absolutely tight TUESDAY The paper this morning says that if there is a coal strike, there will very likely be a steel strike with it. Yesterday afternoc it said, the prices of pig iron, sheet iron, hoop fron and bar iron went up a dollar a ton. They say they went up sympa- thetically. And Jater in the day there was a sympathetic rise in barrel hoops, pit props and tin plate. . . . Heaven help us' I felt o worried I could hardly eat supper, 1 don't see why they don't raise all the wages of all the men who make hoop aud sheet iron and pig ron. That might stop it. As it is. it scems awful. WEDNESDAY rin my restaurant, He said it w Ta <. the wait struck t morning an individual strike and had reference to William. the ter at the next table. James says that it may spread Edward and Fred, at the other tables. I told would have t while his str that 1 eat lunch elsewhers - was on. hut he he doubted if the rules would allc me to. He thinks that the ru that T have to stop eatine until e e gets together with William ¢ gets together with him Meantime Gus. the colored black my shoes as | came said the rule was As as 1 am not eat- have a sh He James Was sor THURSDAY Things look brighter today about the coal strike. They say there's nearly a certainty of the en ployers and the miners getting to gether. Oh, my! [ hope they do, At the same evening papers that there is goinz to be « strike of the stevedores all over South America. If they do, up goes the price of meat. 1 could hardly play cards tonight for thinking of those stevedores. [ hope they can be got together or fixed The bhest way. it 0 raise thei 4 a ne, seems t by ‘mpathetic me. i of course s strike, that supposed 1| I noticed in the | Meantime I was glad to find that the janitor’s strike is off. I passed him today sitting on the steps. you striking?” 1 asked. Faid, “I'm working.” TUESDAY The whole situation has collapsed again. Just when evervthing Seemec settled In the coal strike and when the men had consented to accept a 20 per cent increased pay in returu for shortening the day by one hour and the owners were to consent to & 20 per cent increase of profits in re turn for a 50 per cent increase of prices, the whole settlement was upset again. This time it's not wages. It's a side issue. It concerns a question of welfare work in the mining districts. It seems that the mine owners have been giving the employes Sunday afternoon entertain ments in the Rest House of the Wel fare Guild. They call them Pleasant Sunday Afterncons and they have music and lectures, The men claim that the man who plays the saxophone is no good and they want hLim fired. The owners refuse, 1 so the w sle strike 1= o the matter of “I WAS GLAD TO FIND TEAT THE JANITOR'S STRIKE IS OFF ‘ARE YOU STRIKING? I ASKED. ‘NO,” HE SAID, ‘I'M WORKIY might not be any good. They wouldn't take it FRIDAY Nervous and depressed all day. The coal strike is still unsettled; those fellows in South America are now definitely out, and now there are rumors of a big strike of West African Kroo Boys and the Egyptian | Fellaheen. What it is that will go up if they strike, I don’t remember, but something will | Coming to the office this morning |1 not the janitor who was sitting on the steps, He greeted me quietly, but it seemed to me with a certain reserve. T am sorry te say. Si I may not he work “Are you ilI?” I said “a sympathetic strike. e I'm sorry for myself.” SATURDAY ouks to be by This worning the zood hope about the coal strike. They that in the mining district number of prominent peopl re try- ing to get the mine owners and the men to o owners ve made n that tieey will shorten by halt {an hour he increase in the price o 4 doilar and a half, n wages of 10 per ploves offer in return an profits of 13 per cent % Evervthing now depend hat can be done by itizens committee. 1 understa there 1 lot of big men working on the ng and a group of biz w nen with them-—really large and they e trying to get the employers and men {ogether. They have already them together, once or - the nut coal by cent. The en seems th ones toget to into a zet but tine re: urant asked. | agree to an | with an increase | some slipped ou Then they nearly had them all co: ? ed into a cafeter I hadn't the heart to read about ie South American meat strikes. 1 guess there’ll be no meat now for weeks., Of course ft won't nmtter much to e I can't eat as s “‘out.” I passed hi into { moving pict: sald might stay *¢ for a month. |1 torgo hat the janitor b struck. 1 him sitting on the working?” T said. ve struck.” MONDAY wood today rk fairly whistling appears by the whole trouble with South America has men have con 1 the price of 10 per retu! shipping comps an incr in the price of at by 4 cents a pound. The looks fine. | 50 he 1t to say passed Are vou answered Things cert I went down and singing | papers that ed up. an 1 he ted | accepts rozen n g certainl e the papers say that the fellaheen show signs of Oh! my! T hope thev col- e T hope they just collapse flat as the valley of the Nile. things are good! alled off ex dnight. The seems, has been sot the thing | Th, | [ Eishop of London | working hard and j | stopped time. " He just walked | right in to one of the meetings of the {men and sald in his cheery way. i".\'n\ L lool here, what is all | about anvway The men all rose up and cheered him. It seems that !:!w\ have never seen it in that clear light before cent. | again million and a half men are to lay down their picks, just when they had almost picked them u It all soumds comes the n “kers are o e question of and the ke has burst out will terrible. s that zain slipped ganizing a oo ath America: worse thar become ¢ (they h WEDNESDAY home last might and I ght shivering with ha Sav, [ went sat up half the fear about all these strikes and was going to happen—and 1 fell asleep in my chair—and, do you know, when I woke up in the morn ing and jumped up out of my chair. all of a sudden I got mad about the whole thing—just absolutely and com pletelr mad. ‘Tt thes | T've just mad | do. Two can 1 | what is calles won't consume. | starve, I'N sirike,” I sald, “T'I n something. i what I'l! I an. d T just ay at this game, a consum I won't eat, and coal, I'll freeze. work—but walk show t Ic ter-or ed for. | nu ut coal I ha 15T warn m zoing to use any he'd ever heard of Peary. n He said he hadn’t. but the was certain they wouldn't sell be price anywa the butcher and { told him that I would take no more food for a month. He said I'd get hun gry. J asked him wh | Succi, and the We | said they were beside n I walked down t I met James and W | star on street Gus | thet 1 were sw He said | he hen I called u me that they but that they were getting together this | lution all b BY RING To the editor: This of the yr. when the great American public reaches its sublimest heights and goes in for a orgy of banquets. and the demand for after dinner speakers is so much greater than the <upply that even the undersigned gets 3 and 4 letters per wk. asking me will T address the Yuma Women's Pressing and_ Cleaning Club, the Amalgamated Beard Chewers' Associa- tion of Lancaster, and etc., and please state fee for s the fact that I out statements making it clear that I don't talk after dinner except.in my own and the mortgage home, where 1 generally always de liver a eight word oration entitled, 7 wish I had not eat so much.” This decision to keep my mouth shut In public except for drinking purposes was arrived at after some deliberation assisted by the advice of a good many admirers in Cincinnati 0. and Peoria, Ill. where I talked for monev and thereby ran the risk of arrest for g arceny and fraud. Not since the San Francisco conven tion in 1920, when everybody caught the disease from constant and una- voidable association with Democrats, have I answered tearful pleadings for a speech and my response on that oc- casion, a dluner at Tait's given to Damon Runyon for no reason, was so eloquent that the native sons excused themselfs during its progress and LARDNER the season and this in spite of | have repeatedly give | company’s | {went out to the telephones to their wife out of bed and tell her up. Numerable times since then T have said, in writing and in no uncert:in terms. that my speech mak ing days was over before they had i fair bega and nothing has occurred or will occur to shake this holy reso lution. But it seems hard to believe, and be people’s skepticism gains sup- port from items like the following, which I take the liberty of clipping from the Sioux Falls, S.D.. Argus S.D.. Dec. 20.—Ring to be the main attrac. t annual Gridiron din- cen the evening of Jour- January 22, by the South Dakota Chapter of Sigma Delta Chi, men’s professional journalistic fra ternity, the Volante announces. definite announcement to this effect was authorized by the fraternity upon the strength of a telegram received from Lardner himself stating that he would be able to come to Vermilion for that occasion. “The telegram: *‘Long’s Island, New York, Dec. 3. 3 p.n. get not to set “Vermilion W. Lardner, i tion at the ner, to be gi sm da igma Delta Chi, “‘University of South Dakota. “‘Vermilion, S. D. “‘In reply to yvours date would be glad to speak at gridiron dinner Ver- milion January 22 stop my price is 100 dollars plus expenses stop write me further. “ ‘Ring Lardner.” BY ED WYN! EAR MR. WYNN: 1 was rid- ing in a trolley car yester- | day. Sitting opposite me was i a man reading a Texas news- i paper. As he started off the jcar I saw a headline in his paper which_read: “Well Known Mexican Flees With $350,000." My curlosity is aroused, as I saw nothing in the New York papers about it. What do you know about it? Truly yours, NICK L. RIDE. Answer. Don't believe it. Looks to me as if the Mexican government is trying to take the edge off the Flor- ida boom and get the people to go to their country. It is true that Mexican flees are well known, but I doubt if they have any mone: Dear Mr. Wynn: There is a chap | lives next door to me and I absolutely know he is a bootiegger. He has a sign in front of his home which says he is a “Marine Attorney.” Can you see any connection between the sign and what he does for a living? Yours truly, U. MAYNO. Answer: My dear friend. I'm sur- prised at you. A “marine lawyer” is the same as a “bootlegger.” A “ma- is a fellow who takes Dear Mr. Wynn: Do you think trav- eling broadens one's mind? The rea- n I ask is, I have the opportunity to “The effort fraternity to brin an is Irvin dded also making an S. Cobb to Ver. attraction. To 1 received from ry writer and the present know plan, the | cre: r of ‘You {asked to preside the even In nt he accepts that position the success of the dinner will be as: ed Mr. Lardner has | acted as Roastmaster in the annual Gridiron Nights in W3 gton, D. C I:\[annsur d by the Washington Pre: Club.™ | Now the ahove item is substantial- Iy true except as follows: 1. I did not send no telegram at no time stated, but did write them a letter and say I could not be present on the date mentioned that is our nurse’s night out 2. The sum of §100 ¢ dollars would not bu: required for the trip, shoes, a sleeping bag, and c. 3. Mr. Lardner has never even been invited to act Roastmaster” (what funny word) at the Gridiron dinner in Washington and to date has reed. only one invitation to even attend same. | 1 will take this occasion, however, of advising the boys not to worry about Mr. Cobb’s failure to reply. Mr. Cobb, I und nd. is practically there by this time, having undertaken the journey on ft. His regular price in nd no hundreds the trousseau uch as snow- team of dogs, as * Invitation Was Gracefully Declined, But Ring’s Telegram Proves Mystery < $50.00 and 1 $25.00 n. and when his exp nice lu i spell alone ng” withe 1 can't bind. And I an that you { will take this 1 a blanket | demurrer and not keep on asking me {as it only means heartache for both of us. Not cnly is public speaking a physica] 1 npossibility as far as I am concerned, but T am under the impression hat it is becoming tougher and tou even for those who can and will speak. 1 gathered this impression at the last banquet T attended. an affair given by Christy Walsh at which the guests of honor was Babe F 1, Fielding H. Yost. Knute Rockne, Glenn Warner and Tad Jones. The Bube didn't say more than fifty w that words, and Chr help the othe we boys to as 1 a let o speakers by requesting each of them a ques tion, the an: ng of which woul give them something to when it hecomes necessary to g foot ball coach something to say, i means we are headed for a long and properous era of lockjaw. = Personly I am fraid T was as much of a flop as usual T couldn’t think of nothing to ask Messrs. Yost, Rockne and Warner take a trip across the Atlantic and back again without getting off the boat. Do you think a trip of this kind will add any to my present knowledge? Sincerely, C. WEED. Answer. If there is anything at all in a man a 15-day trip on the ocean will bring it out. Dear Mr. Wynn: I got a job last Monday in a department store in the shoe department. At the end of my first week I was discharged. Can you tell me why? I swear to you I didn’t do anything. Sincerely, ALLAN FOOTESE. Answer: That's why you were dis- charged. Dear Mr. Wynn: I have been keep- (ing company with a voung man for over two years. I've done everything to get him to propose to me. Last night he called at my home and dur- ing the conversation I came right out and asked him if he ever thought of getting married. He sald: “The girl 1 marry must be able to raise a fam- ily, take care of a house, cook and so on.” I am willing to take care of his house, raise a family, and I'll cook for him too, but what does he mean by saving so on? Truly yours, I. WANTHIM. Answer: When he says you must be able to take care of the house, cook |and so on, he simply means you must be able to sew on buttons. Dear Mr. W birthday was January 4. My girl sent me a pair of gloves for a present but they are too large for me. What shall T do? Yours trul 5 A. B. SEEDEE. Answer: Just pour about 1% ounce of Scotch whisky on them. If it's the kind of Scotch they're selling now, 4 ounce will make them tight. Dear Mr. Wynn: I am engaged to a young lady who insists on picking out my clothes for me. Do vou think it is right for me to let her do it? Truly yours, X. EYETED. Answer: You must cater to all the whims of vour fiancee. In the first place you'll find the reason she chooses all your clothes now is be- cause you are only engaged to be married. After you're married she’ll only pick your pockets. Dar Mr. Wynn: I sing in a church choir. The minister told us he wanted us to sing “Little Drops of Water" at next Sunday's services. He said we don’t sing loud enough. He also said that next Sunday I should open my mouth wider when I sing “Little Drops of Water” and put some spirit tn it. Do you think that was a nice Perfect Fool Gives Valuable Advice On Ocean Travel to Broaden One’s Mind thing for a minister to say Yours truly | T Answer: Next week THE PERFECT FOOT ._as he has often told you. wicest men in (he world e knows ail. Do vou' think you kit of & ates 1 You do. send It to him in cate. of the editor of this paper and watch for his reply. (Copyright. 1926.) WARBLE | | Waterproof Matches. ¢NJOTHING but soaked matches We'll have to dry them out be- fore we can have a fire." This calamity, avoided by the ex perienced camper or woodsman, wno packs his matches carefully in water- proof cases, is ofien suffered by t amateur. Now Moreland M. Dessau says Popular Science Monthly. has come to their rescue with waterproof matches. They can be dropped into water without spoiling them, he claims. The heads are made of rubber latex mixed with the explosive material, the whole then being vulcanized Fine Distinctions. “Are you a plumber?” I'm .a sanitary engineer. e a reporter, ain't you?" Yo, I'm a Journalist.”