Evening Star Newspaper, March 22, 1925, Page 73

THE SfiNDAY STAR, WASHINGTON 99 D. C, MARCH 22, 1925—PART 5. {7 BY NINA WILCOY PUTNAM. S that famous botanist John L. Sull often used to say of office holding, “Now you've got it, whatter you going to do with i 1 do love them ‘uaint old-time sayings, and I thought 0w true this one is the other evening when George, that's my husband, says 10 me he was going out Being a perfectly normal woman, ©f course 1 wanted to know where, in case of fi lousy TaSise, of fire, jealouss getting Well, Geo. says he with that Joe Bush of was golng out b. Tn fact, the Hawthorne Club was where two of them was Mwaded for, since it was gonner hold their annual election of officers. Geo. it seems had a thought that they would make him Secretary to and the idea apparently w lot, since most men to enjoy holding office as much ladlcs enjoy a young baby. And since he was determined to go, why I didn't make no attempt to try and stop him, 1 merely says that's a seem as we crazy {dea, what on earth do you Wwant to go out with that Joe Bush for anyway, but every person to their OWn choice, so ankle along, dear, and don’t make no detours But wl had gone and T had rior and the supper shes I done something I to do. 1 read Geo's ening and the very first entlon 1 i+ was concerning Mr. ellogE, our new Secretary of State, down to Wash. D. (. and before I had read the piece half through 1 foommenced to wonder why anybody slould want to be a Secretary of iny kina Of course. 1 had wondered this be- Yore at our Ladies' Thursday Club when Miss Dherstep, our sec., would shake a wicked e) 5 glass chain as she read those minutes which al- ways seem more like hours. I oan't imagine anything which would make a person more unpopular then reading them dreary minutes and 1 <ouldn’t think where The Pres., Cab- inet, ete, wouldn't be any more be- holden to Mr. Kellogg for this thank- lsss task then in the case of us Indies right here at home. But probably Mr. Kellogg makes his stuff more interesting and is bet- ter at getti & out the post cards tell- Ing when is the next club meeting, and where. U know out here 1 generall mome lady on the street and ©oh my dear, do you know there's a meeting tomorrow? And I sas no. she says the secretary phoned e. my dear, I'm surprised you didn't get any notice! * % % % *AND when this thought come to me I suddenly realized where if George was to get selected secretary of the Hawthorne Club, why very much more than likely he would ex- ect me to write and address all the otices he had to send out. He would Vexpect I should do it in my odd mo- wments. Hot Bozo! I decided right then that those moments would be odd, all right, not to say rare and hard to find! I bet Mr. Secretary Kellogg would'nt ask his wife to do nothing like that. What with the great mo. of things that man has to look after, I suppose a few post-card notices more or less don’'t mean nothing to n Take for a sample, now, his for- eign policles. I understand from the papers where ke is obliged to hate a of them. 1 know Geo. carries quite a lot of domestic ones for a mau of his income. He's got straight life, endowment, fire, theft, accident and collision. Also public liability. And from the fuss the poor boy has trying to keep them renewed and pald up nnd transferred and what not, I can easily imagine the terrible time Mr. Kellogg must have, being obliged to take out wll those, and maybe more, in foreign countries. Then there is the Sec. of State's Buropean trips. I don't mean jour- neys; T mean how he has to watch his step and Europe's—especially the latter. He's got to keep writing let- ters over there, but he's got also to the Hawthorne | Wife Study Duties of Secretary of State, While Husband Makes Campaign for Similar Position in Joe Bush’s Hawthorne Club I “HE PROBABLY PRACTICES ON THE CASTINETITES EVERY MORNIN »l).\ll,\' DOZEN TO GET HIMSELF INTO PROPER PEELI.V(L]“OR HIS RELATIONS | | G IN CONNECTION WITH HIS WITH MEXICO.” of State has he got any beard, but maybe he will be able to grow one before the next one of them peaceful affairs, on account 1 understand where it is customary for all the delegates to wear nice long Rhushy ones in order to have something to | grab hold of when the fight starts. | But maybe by not growing a beard | he will win out all the easter. | Then of course another bunch of | keep up with | that woul is South America and dn’t be so bad if only he d be sure of the right addresses. e way I understand it, while he is writing a note to the President of Chiliconcarne and commencing Dear | Al, why things is changing, and by ‘thr time the letter gets there it {should of been Dear Bill, or some- thing. Hot Bozo, some red hot changes! I suppose it comes of eat- ing tamales. (QF course Mexizo being nearer, why the Sec. can keep tabs on that | place easter. And anyways, all he has got to do is get the Sec of War to send acrost one of the bridges onct tn & while and capture a few oil pi- rates or Mexican hat wearers, and he will be sure to have done the right thing In either case, except from the point of view of the ones he has caught. Also he has got to make sure that the natives don't grow no halr on them little dogs they make a spe- clalty of, on account it they ever did it would start a awful fight on the part of & lot of American ladles who carry sald dogs around. I can see where it certainly ain't no snap for the Sec. having to learn how to tell the Bandits from the Wild Flowers down in drear old Mexico where the cactus and the cactus blos- soms grow. Hot Bozo! Why he prob- ably practices on the every morning, in connection with his usual dally dozen, in order to get himself into the proper feeling for his relations with Mexico. Well anyways I know one thing sure, that if Geo. was ever to get ap- pointed Secretary of State, he would never hold the job two days, on ac- count of the Japanese situation. George couldn’t no more learn to write Japanese than I could learn to knit bath tubs. And once in & while the Sec of State must certainly have to write ‘em a few lines to Japan, even if it s only to say “keep your kimonos on, boys,” which is, I sup- 9 e | correspondence the poor feller has to | castinettes | tolling away at learning to write Japanese instead of striving with par- chesi or pinochle or cold hands or something he enjoys, 1 fell real sad. But then a real Secretary's job ain't no light matter, as I have often heard Miss Dherstep, Secretary of our La- dies’ Thursday Club, remark. Still, the Jupanese are a wonderful little people and they will probably make out what Sec. Kellogg writes, | even before he has learned to do it 8o very good. And if they don't under- stand it, why then they will undoubt- edly anwer him in such fancy writ- ing that he can't possibly understand 4 bit of what they are saying, either, will be perfectly land €0 Diplomacy | satisfied all around. { With China, now, things must be a | good deal like a combination of South {Am. and Japan, on account a Secre- tary of State don’t know from min- | ute to minute who to address nor how to write the letter. * o ok ok EN. RICESUPPLY may be the boss one minute and then Chop Sue the all-hot of the day, invites hir |to tea and to bring along his battle ax, and zowle! Gen, Supply is cut off, and {t's time for the great high | dishonorable liberator or elevator or something, George T. Chow Mein, | Esq., to have ‘em all playing ring- around-a-Shanghai, and poor dear Mr. Kellogg don't really know wheth- er to address his note to the battle of Mah Jong or care of the City of | the Dead, Canton. | The worse part of keeping up with | the Chinese revolutions must be re- | membering the monikers the gener- | als have and the names of the places | they are fighting for. Belleve you| me, I should think Secretary Kellogg | would have to go get some chink | laundryman to come in and help him | |on_that. | But no, that ain't so good neither, | I don't belleve, after the time one | in our town named Charlle Lee couldn’t remember what he had done | with George's other dress shirt. In| fact, he couldn't seem to remember | | ever having had it at all, when I had took it thers in person. It set| us back 6 smakers and a half, that Charlie's loss of memory as well as | of the shirt did, and maybe the Sec- | retary of State has had the same ex- | perience and would rather rely on| the newspapers. Well anyways I guess Mr. Kellogg | has got a few things to be thankful for. He don’t have to hammer out {1¥ have our Junior show him a coupla dandies, in spite of I having told | Juntor he must never do such a thing wore off. Just how and when a Sec- retary of State !s gonner find time {to page that cash is more then I can see, | like, because of advisability, and t manicurists from the country and break off friendly relations. He can now write that kind of stuff to the| Egyptians in Prench and they will| get it. Then, too, he don't have to learn| writing with a stylish on wax to the fellers In Rome, Italy. His boot- black will help him out any time. As far as the new Russians goes, I personally hope where his time will be =0 taken up he won't bother it any 1 to answer thelr letters, and Bolshevists come to csll on him, hope he makes a few good old fas foned bad schoolboy faces at them and | tells them to go. In case Sec. Kel- logg has torgotten how to make them | kind of faces, why it he will just| drop around to our house, I will glad- | again * * * I, our Ladies' Thureday Club we have a treasurer as well as a sece retary, and she will get up and an- | nounce where the club has $3.98 in | the treasury, and generally we vote it for ice cream. I presume that over to the Hawthorne Club it is the same, all except for the lce cream But in the U. & Govt., the great- est club in the world, while there is a treasurer, they make the Sec. of State a kinda bill collector, especially when it comes to all them foreign | loans which have been standing out g0 long I should think that their feet or whatever they are supposed to stand on would be pretty near Well anyways by the time I had got thinking this far, I noticed where it was well after 10 o'clock and as yet no Secretary George Jules of any Hawthorne Club had showed any igns of coming home. And 1 begun to be terrible worried over him. Not but that my husband can take care of hisself any place, but I did commence to wonder if he had fully realized what it meant being a sec- retary of any kind That {t meant a lot of hard work and a even big- ger bunch of ecriticism, no matter w t he done. That it meant keepe ing friendly with people he didn't it would take up a lot of his time without giving him anything in re- turn except the consciousness of hav- ing been of service. | Hollywood talefone directory.” Change of Name for Togo Japanese Schoolboy Takes Advice of Employer and Seeks Services of Name Alteration Department—Combination Arrangement Startles Court. BY WALLACE IRWIN, To Editor The Star who once knew & Jeweler named Mr. Glass EAREST SIR:—Quite recently of yore Mrs . W. Quackmire, who have treated me inde- cently nowadays, come to me with Egyptian expression & exclam, “Togo, so many letters come for you written in laundry languldge that I commence to think I are running a Jap- anese boarding house.” t you do not ado 1 shall change it,” I bereft sor- rowly. “Then do so" she dib. “You could not do worse with something else on your autograph. Go to City Hall For 2§ you can have nam changed, which are 8§ less than pulling teeth.” Therefora she donate me 2§ while I g0 4th entirely inflamed. Putting on my best hat & umberella I elope away to change my ancestry by law. & who 1 find standing there outside? Nobody else but my Cousin Nog' “Nogi,” I dictats lowly, “I are now going to chango my name. Maybe, with slight new costume I can appear Irish.” ““Go to Name Alteration Dept, City Hall,” he corrode. So T folla him glubly, thinking up ew label for me. n changing names,” explan Nogi, ou got to be careful like driving a car. A few years of yore one gentle- man of Boston %o to & Judge and bring with him his very hard name. ‘I wish change it to Cabot,' say that noor person. So Hon. Judge say ‘2§ and make rubber stamping on paper. This Boston gentleman go forthly with nams Cabot fastened to his sig- nature. ‘What happen then? All Cabot family hear about this. Some of them act like a scenarlo, pulling out their hairs. Others enrage up & down. ‘If persons go around stealing famus names like this’' they Lolla, ‘nextly you know Detroit will be call- ing {tself Boston. We shall make this llegal by law.’ So they took this 2§ Cabot to court house where such a quantity of lawsuits was there that he got scared and wish he had choosed some simple name & Napoleon Bonaparte " “I think T shall choose me a sort of lovely name,” T narrate. “Some- thing that would look natural in the a “Such as for tance?” remove | Nogi | “Lionel Woodwind migh one to have,” I narrate. leroy Valentin “You batter hurry up & think pretty fast,” say Nogi. “For we are already here at City Hall. Low & beholt! what he sy are it. There we stood befront »f high steps of justice where 6 Police stood to- Kether eating tobacco & trying not to look eivil. What looking for, if anything?” corrode one Police with angry badge. “Court, please,” report Cousin Nogi with expression. “We have kinds,” snuggest Police. “Murder, bribery, divorse & ottomobile courts. Which, if any?” “I are bringing my febble minded cousin here,” explan Nogl. “He wish| change his name.” “That will not do him any good” say Hon. Police. “Yet if you are de- termined go straightly to 2nd floor & turn to door beyond the 9th spitoon.” o QO there we went & see a very banker looking gentleman behind a cage while shuffiing cards passerby with loud voice saying, kitchen, I could hardly walt to see him. Well, I says as he comes into the room, did you get it? Get what? says he ruff that my heart give a big bound of re- lief. Well who was elected secretary then? 1 says. And Geo, says that Joe EBush, of course, I guess he thinks he owns the Hawthorne Club now. Why, dear, I says you didn’'t get it, you'll show them, bigger things. Then Geo. sprang a awful blow on I'm awful sorry but never mind, you're fitted for to allj “JNO. P. ANDROUPOLOPOUSANSKI STEFANOVICH KARAKOWSLAVONIVOFF, IF IT PLEASE YR. HONOR.” “Fillout!” On that card I got were several impudent questions Where were I born and why? Married or single—if 80 how often? What will I do with my old name when I got|many persons comes to my druggery | Biil, Billlkins & Beevo. through with 1t? T took that card & do the best my fountain pen were enabled, then next- 1y I got in beveridge of people, marching along toward Hon. Judge who set there looking kind but dishagreeadle. I step along, removing steadily up to- ward Judge seat. 3rd gentleman be- front of me were standing so far be- hind his hair that 1 must look 2ce to see ho were a Russian, What name vou got now, if a: require Hon. Judge with his power cyeglasses. “Jno P. Androupolopouganski Ste fanovich Karakowslavonivoff, if it| lease yr Honor. “It’do not!” narrate Honor. “What have you been doing with all those| syllables ali those yrs?’ ‘Sipporting a wife & several times as m. v chil@ren,” he report through hatr. “It were very easy to that name when T were merely janitor in_a apt house. Then persons could call me, ‘John’ & 1 would come when called. 'But alass! Quite recently I were promoted billing clerk in a Soda Water Factory & every qrt of ginger ale that goes out I must sign my name.” Why you not get a rubber stamp?” locate Hon. Judge. I try that dictate Hon. Jno. P. ut they had to make them so long they was always breaking in the mid- dle” “What name you choose for change?” require Honor. Jno P. Tubb,” say him P hope that tub will be long| enough for whole family on Satdy night,” snagger Judge with humorous expression while signing ticket. “Next, please.” Up to him step emallish gentleman wearing the uniform of a drug clerk “What name you wish to choos Questionaire that high Courtship. “Schmitz, ¥yr Majesty,” say smallish man “What variety of an isters have you got, 1 ask to know?’ require Hon. Court With evebrows. “I wre of American descents from date that Adam came to Plymouth rock & hens commence lying eggs.” “So old like that? Perhapsly vou are acquainted with the Coolidges. lins with quite a large | carry | reason you wish change Smith to | Schmitz?” “So that people will know I are an | American,” dictate Hon. Smith. “S So & when they see my name Smith they think I peculious man of foren ex- tract.” | * % ox {FJERE are your ticket. Mr.; Schmitz,” say Judge. “And who | are nextly on the program?’ | Here 1 are, Judge!” holla one| Itallan man of fruit expression. “My | original name are Antonio Rigoletto. I run fruit, grocery & bootleg store corner 4th Ave. & Oyster Street. I shall not keep you walting for in- | formation. I wish change my name quickly to Christopher Columbus. If that name disgusts you Leonards da | | Vinet will do just as nice. But please | | make change quickly.” “For why you g0 hastey about §t2" uire Hon Becauso thus. I are marrled man. | | My wife she got Uncls Cosimo who | | come see me every year for stay until | next year & while they drink all my {illegal whiskey, chaw my best ban- nannas & tell me how I make a mis- take by not voting for Wm. Jenny| | Bryan. Then he will borra my shoes | | to g0 to wedding & not comeback till | |still drunker. I must change my | rapidly before he encroach | re | name again next Satdy.” “Why for that you wish change| Yyour maiden name?’ require Hon.| { Judge with pity on his eyes. “Ah, cannot Honor unstand?’ de- compose this Antonio. “When Uncle | Cosimo come next Satdy he will look at my sign & find Christopher Colu bus there. Then he will know I are| moved awa | “But sippoee he go Inside, wish to talk to Christopher Columbus?” re- quire Judge. “Ah! ! I collapse Hon. Italy. “How could he talk to gentieman what have been dead 400 yrs? “1 wish see all married men sul ceed, howeverly criminal they are, snagger Hon. Honor. “Yr name are thereby changed to Christopher Co- iumbus. If you dishcover annything | I hope you will come back & tell me.” Then he look at me with black board eves: “What required if anything?" sdge With cross eyebrows. “I wish change name, nient,” 1 commence. “I did not think objects like you he In if conve- i “Commencing wit manuver “We have 'Archibald, Ananias, Able Artichoke, Antimacasser. Un B we find Beelzebub, Benjamin, Botan; Need Alphabettishly through X, “Quite dtvuige ut good nam: owed me ced n i life." would be usel “For what 3 he otter. “Sometimes one t something else,” I say &0 when I are 71 yrs age I s sh g into politicks. “w JE are nearly out Iris names,” he demote “How ever! we have a few neat ones Jeft How would Seumas O'Hellrorin do for ¥T pupposes “Slight] I rehas Yot I w succeed i er business money with velvet brain “We have onl ne (1) Jewt name left,” report Hon Judge. “Here Abraham Perlmutter.” ould T took part of 2 names per hapsly, and joint them together?' T require “That would cost you vill be worth it! he van “It select to be called mutter O'He “With th; Judge, “you and lose it aga But, yr R mute, “sipposing I should take that name h & find he didn't fit uld T bring huj bell on “Courtroom ed for day, Hon. Judge. “Will everybo up his name & go home with “But Judge!” I yall desper] “Do not judge me!” he toas “But you close thi my name up in yr desk I go me to Mrs. C, V without any name to cal are quite disappointment.” “If you hang around Courts a little while longe report His Majesty “you will get so used to g g dis appointed that You will commenco t like it So I walk away W he Ho . Qua q be sure he don’t say nothing in 'em.|pose the same as when we say keep |pictures on any stones to tell King ¥ K me. You bet 1 will, he says, just|What name have you now got?" had & name,” he glub. “What name | Hoping you are t While as for disarmament confer-|your shirt on, over here. Tut that if the Egyptians don't quit| When finally I heard the flivver |0 snow ‘em some day I'll be Secre-| “Smith, yonner.” you wish, then?" Sours tralv, cnces, well in none of the pictures I| When I think of that poor Secre- |biting their fingernalls, the U. §. A.[run into the garage and heard Geo.|tary of State! Smith? ? 2" Hon. Judge hold his| “What names have you?’ I ques- HASHIMURA TOGO. have 80 far seen of this present Sec. |tary Kellogg sitting up late nights|will at once withdraw all Amerfcan |stamping in through my clean (Copyright, 1625.) ears kind of criss-across. “For what | tionnaire. (Copyright, 1025.) Questionnaire Nuisance Stirs Enemies, Who Plan to Curb Zealous Investigators BY STEPHEN LEACOCK. VERYBODY who manages an office or carries on a profes. sion or teaches in a college is getting to be famillar with the thing called “question- naire.” It is a sheet of questions or inquiries sent around broadeast and supposed to del with some kind of social investigation. Some of these questions come direct from the insane asylums, but others purport to come from students, investigators and so- 1 workers. But wherever they come from, they are rapidly develop- ing into a first-class national nui- sance Here, for example, on desk is a letter which reads: wr am o graduate student of the Myopla Woman's College of Agricul- aral Technology, and I am making special investigation of the Govern- ment ownership of cold storage plants. Will you please write me the history of any three governments which you know to possess cold stor- ’ age plants? Wil you also let me have your opinion on coldness, on | storage and on plants?” Here is another one that came in by the same mail: “I am a soclal worker in Nut Col- lege, Nutwood-on-the-Hum, and am making out a chart or diagram to show whether the langth of the hu- man ear Is receding or golng right ahead. Wil you kindly measure your ears and let' me know about their growth? Keep me advised 1f they start.” Along with these are letters ask- fng me to give my opinion, with rea- mons, whether or men are more crooked than men not cven fit to be elacted; ask- ing where T stand on the short ballot ‘and what I think of prison reform and the union of the Presbyterian Churches. * % % = HAVE come to the conclusion that something decisive has got to be done about these questionnalires; so I have decided. in the Interests of my- solf and other sufferers, to write out @ model answer for one of them and afterward to let that answer suffice for all the others. Hers is the one that T have selected for answering. Y dldn’t make it up. It is the gen- wine article, as any one used to these ¢hings will recognize at once. It runs as follows: #Dear Sir: “I am an American college student nd T have been selected along with r. John Q. Beanhead of the class of | 1925, of whom you may have heard, 2o represent the Bohunk Agriculture College in the forthcoming @gainst Skidoo Academy. Our subject of debate i¢ to be on the questio: esolved, That the United States #sbould adopt 2-pariiamentary wstem not elected alder- | alder- | debate | “IN ORDER TO ANSWER YOUR FROM THE DECLARATION O HAVE TO READ OVER THE HISTORY OF THE UNITED STATES | UESTION, I'M AFRAID T SHALL | F INDEPENDENCE.” of government. Knowing that you have the knowledge of these prob- lems, and trusting that you will be pleased to answer at once, 1 have se- lected the following questions which I hope will not take too much of your valuable time to answer: “1. How does the efficiency of the British government compare with that of the United States? “2. Do you think the minority has too much power in the United States? “3. What s your opinion of a de- mocracy? | “4. What is a responsible govern- ment? 5. How would the adoption of the | Brittsh system effect our Supreme | Court? “I will further suggestions which care to make in answer to these | questions or concerning any advan- tage or defect of either system, or any other system. Your truly, Q, Y, KNOTH" sincerely appreciate any | you may | The answer which T prepared for Mr. Knott reads as follows: “Dear sir: “As soon as I heard from your let- ter that the big debate is on be- tween Bohunk and Skidoo, I was thrilled with excitement. Can we win it? Can we put enough inter- national energy behind you and Mr. Beanhead (Do I know of him? How can you ask it?) to drive the thing through? I want to say at once that in this business you are to regard my own time as absolutely valueless. I may tell you frankly that from now until the big debate is pulled off I propose to lay aside every other con- cern in life and devots myself to your service. I couldn’'t possibly answer | your question in any other way. “So now let me turn to your aet- ual questions. You ask first, ‘How does the eficiency of the British government compare with that of the United States? “Here is a nice, manly question. You € my answer if of straightforward, won't object rather tended length, and you must not mind if it takes me a week to get it ready for you. I shall not only have to han- dle a good deal of historical material, but I also propose to cable to Mr. Stanley Baldwin and ask him how the efficiency of his government is standing right now. “Your next question asks whether the minority has too much power in the United States. Again a wonder- ful shrewd inquiry. How do you manage to think of these things? Has it too much power? Let me think a little. In order to answer your question I'm afraid I shall have to read over the history of the United States from the Declaration of In- dependence. “You ask nmext, What {s my opinion of a democracy? This I can answer briefly. It is the form of govern- ment under which you liv “Your next question i responsible government?” T admit the keenness of the Inquiry. It i{s amaz- Ing the way you get to the center of things. But I am not prepared. Give me a month on this, if you pos- sibly can. “Your last question (for the pres- ent) reads ‘How would the adoption of the British system affect our Su- preme Court? ~Here again I can hardly answer without perhaps fatig- uing you with detalls. But I will write to Justice Taft and to Lord Reading and while we are walting for their answers perhaps you would care to send me along a few more questions. I can be working on them in my spare time.” 1 had written the above letter and then .on second thought I decided not to send it. What would be the use? The kind of young man who sends out these questionnaires is quite impervious to satire. The only thing to do fs to try to form a league of grown-up people Wwho refuse to be investigated. I pro- pose to be the first in it. Hence- forth I will answer no questions ex- cept to the census taker and the in- come tax man. If any college girl is Investigating the upward trend of mortality among mules or the downward movement of morality among humans, she need not come to me. If any young man is making a chart or diagram or a graph to show the per capita {ncrease of crime let him go with it to the penitentiary. My door henceforth is closed. ‘What s a (Copyright, 1925.) 504-Pound Boy. A BOY, aged 14, named Paul Mer- laud, living In the Vendee village of Bernardiere, France, when weigh- ed on his last birthday, was found to Harry Mistakes Rail Switch for Road, Parks Car in Wrong Place, Delays Train BY RING LARDNER. O the Editor: People don't never get t00 old to be interested in romance, a specially when they are truth and not fiction, 50 in this article I will try and describe a little romance which weo was witness of a part of same, as it took place in Miami this Winter during our visit there. The hero and heroine of the ro- mance is a couple who we will call Harry and Louise. Harry s a South- ern boy about 35 yrs. old and been around. Louise is a cute dame 20 or 21 and so independent that she ain't even had her hair bobbed. Well, Harry fell for her hard but couldn't make up his mind to propose. He sald that if he asked her and she answered yes, it would mean that he would half to give up his freedom and not pay no tension to no other dame, whereas if he asked her and she sald no, one would half to drown himself and go somewheres else to do it on acct. of the water around Miam{ being so buoyant. Well, they was together pretty near ABOUT 25 YRS. OLD, BEEN AROUND.” all day every day and went to dinners and dances with each other every evening and he kept falling deeper and deeper in what somebody has laughingly nicknamed love, but still he couldn't make up his mind to propose. This continued for weeks and weeks. Finely one night we was all out on a party and when the first party was over Harry wanted we should all go along with him to another party, but us old birds all turned him down and AND tip the scale at 504 pounds and he is still growing. He has put on 42 younds during the last year, Louise was the only one that wou'd go with him. Tt might be sald aut this junction that they's some places “HARRY WAS DRIVING THE CAR AND GOING PRETTY FAST, AND LOUISE SAYS LOOK OUT.” around Miami where you can't get a drink unless you ask for it. Harry asked for it and got it and him and Louise started back home along_about 3 o'clock in the A.M. and Harry was driving the car and going pretty fast and Louise seen that they was coming to a R. R. orossing, so she says look out. Harry thought she meant it was time to turn off that road and take another road, 8o he turned to the right and went about a 100 yards when he discovered that the roid he had turned onto was the railroad. He found this out all of a sudden when the car come to a switch and the front wheels got caught between the rails and the tires blew out quietly like a thunderstorm. * % %k HE motor was dead and the wheels was jammed fast between the raile, so Harry and Louise got out to 1 stretch and just then they seen a locomotive headlight beaming towards them from 20 ft. away. Approaching them even closer was & gent with a flashlight. Hide the bottle,” sald Louise and Harry hid the bottle under the front seat. The engineer, for it was indeed he, come up to Harry and flashed the light in his face. “Where is the bottl engineer. So Harry produced the bottle and the engineer took 2 big swigs. “Now,” says the engineer, “do you you are?” says Harry. “This is the 1st. time I ever parked here. “Listen,” says the engineer. “I seen your red light and a red light means danger to ma so I stopped. But I had to stop quick.” “Don’t try to tell me that,” says asked the Harry. “I've rode on vour road and you don't go fast enough to stop quick.” “Yes but this is a through train,” said the engineer. “It {s as far as tonight is cor cerned,” savs Harry. No it ain't” says the engi “You've got.to get off the track “You put me off the track,” Eays Harry. So the engineer went back to h engine, unhooked it from the rest of the train and ran it up to within a couple ft. of the car. The fireman and & brakeman then got out & chain that looked like it was made of old fash fon coupling links. They fastened it to the réar of the car and the engine started to back up. The car was just about to part in the middle when th brakeman signaled Casey to stop. “No use to leave i3 the car on the track,” says the brakeman 8o they got a jack out of the en gine's tool box, jacked the front end of the car up and then pulled the whole thing back to where they was room for it to be parked beside the track. * % * % Y this time all the passcngers was Off the train and gathered around the scene. They had got off think ing they was at last In Miam! thovgh the train wasn't due there till the previous Thursday. Loufse was min- gling amongst them and pretendir like her and Harry was strangers. “Well, kid,” says the engineer to Harry, “you're pretty lucky.” “I don’t know what you mean,” says Harry, “but If they's anything I can ever do for you leave me know." “Give me that bottle,” sald the en- gineer and when this formality was over the passengers clumb baclk aboard the train and the engineer hooked his engine onto it and re sumed his way towards his home sta- tion of Miami where his second wite was walting for him, he having been on the road so long this trip that the first one had dled. Harry and Loulse walked into town single file and you could report their conversation verbatim on the back of a collar button. The problem that bafMed Harry so long is solved. You can't get either a ves or no out of a gal that ain't speaking to you at all Lights for Cows. WS will wear tail lights Ne- braska it a bill that has been in- troduced in the Legislature passes. 1 provides that all live stock. wheth driven in herds or singly, at night on public - roads, be required to wear warning lights, to be displayed both in the front and the rear, to warn motorists.