Evening Star Newspaper, February 15, 1925, Page 77

THE SUNDAY STAR, WASHINGTON, D. C, “He Don’t Love Me Any More” George and His Wife Celebrate Their Wedding Anniversary. BY NINA WILCOX PUTNAM. S Gladstone, the great acrobat, once stated, “Wedding anni- versaries and Christmas come but once a year, and whea they come you never know your luck.” This beautiful truth come to my mind when a few days ago it was my wedding anniversal Of course it was also ditto with George, that's my husband, but I and Geo. seems 10 look at them occasions kinda dif- ferent. For a sample. 1 can see them so far ahead you would almost think 1'd necd a pair of field glasses, but Geo. has got to bump right into ‘em before he even notices 'em. Of course I and him has now been married quite no. of annums, but still these ex-wedding days don't really come often enough for a per- son to get tired of them, and I al- ways feel like they really had ought to be set aside. Well anyways, the other morning when 1 woke up,to this heav date in my life, set aside was apparently Just what Geo. had done with it. Of course I hadn’t hardiy expected where he would mention it at once, on ac- count he generally ain’t himself until after he has wrecked the bathroom, flung out the net. conts. of his bureau, played hunt-the-other-garter, and all them other morning exerc s which is the only ones he takes reg ularly Not but that 1 kinda hoping the same was would mention something to the »d morning sweetheart, many huppy returns of my ring. which would not of ex- actly hurt my feelings, and practic ally any wif what 1 mean lut 1 knew it was hoping against soap, the saying goes, so I kept patiant. until we got down to breakfast where I acted extra sweet and tHoughtful. thinking that would maybe make him notice something was up. But Geo. didn’t say a word only s'mor cream ple: or passa butter Jen and that kind of got mo sore. so 1 wouldn't mention a word about the old anniversary my own self. not on a bet The only word he got out of me that subject was just before he left to catch the Merchants special 10 town. and all T says even then was say George, I guess you don't remember what day this do you? And he says by jove, it's the day 1 zotter meet that note at the bank, thank you for reminding me old girl And with that he beat it, leaving me to Junior, my child, now the only human being that loved me any more as far as 1 could see. WELL, afte - omfort to me luneh box knitted cu just he Junior had been a big by allowing me to collect his books, b down good over and other satisfactory sub- stitutes for a husband’s lost love and ete, why T got Junior out of the house and on the road to learning, and then T was free to sit down among the breakfast dishes and ery if 1 had a mind to. Well, hefore T got cide did 1 want to phone rung it Bush, up t Mable s our pack his il the his to de- tele- Joe what's says, oh I'm just George forgot anniversary todas And the says you ain't that just like a m you suppose is the matter Ana 1 oh not Just men are busy s that's i, I3 th the Hawthorne Club to hasx done the sa And Malel says my dear T never allow him to fors thing. she says, Jen suppose there could woman, do you? And 1 says says, well. you ticed where he this morning w Miss Demeanor. And 1 says oh Mabel, such a big comfort to me. we hung up. a chance or not, the was M morning a n, poor my 2 whatter savs, thing, it's they forget, Joe Bush of bet wouldn't such . you don't be another nonsense, and never know, I walked to the h that bottle she no- train blond, you are And then will at once recognize 1 are married | i ! “HE GENERALLY AIN'T HIMSELF OTHER MORNING EXERCISES WHICH IS THE ONLY ON INTIL. HE HAS PLAYED HU NT-THE-GARTER S HE TAKES REGULARLY.” AND ALL THE Well, of course I knew where Miss Demeanor always goes to work on that same train, and that Geo. wouldn’'t even hold gloves with any woman but me. I know Geo. so I merely thought Hot Bozo, give him a_chanst, maybe he will remember when he gets to the office and give me a ring on the telephone if not on_the little finger. | Well, I waited for about a hour, |and then T begun to feel, well T guess he certainly don't love me no more, |after all marriage is a failure, love |among the domestic details ain’t the |same as among the best parlor furni- ture and the moving picture shows, but if that cruel man could see how my heart is bleeding with neglect | this moment, he’d hafto feel sorry he was ever this mean to me, but ain't | that the way with life, a woman gives | her all and ditches a maybe brilliant |career us a salesgirl or water color painter in favor of housework, and lookit all the thanks she gets! * ok ¥ ok ELL, by then sald housework was all done and the only phone call had been from Excusit Please, the party who is always calling the wrong number. So I says to myself, well, it is only fair to Geo. to ring |him up and give him 2 hint, If T was {to ery a little into the phone he might realize what he has done to {me, und if he does, why I will forgive | him So 1 put in the call, see, but all I got was that girl who works in his oftice. and as usual she knew more about my husband’s business than 1 did, and she savs oh Mrs. Jules, Mr. Jules ain’t in, he's out on important business. | And I says well dea when he wili be back? And she says I expect him around two o'clock, §s there any message? Tmagine! Just like she was run- nine his whole affairs. Of course I says no, on account if Geo. was gouner be a brute and go |out to lunch when T wanted to speak to him, on top of all the rest he had @ to me on this day of all in the well, I would let him go, that's have vou got any If he wasn't gonner recognize our | anniversary, and hadda go chasing out all over the place lunching with goodness knows what person, T was through! Through with just what I didn’t stop to figure out, but I had that through feeling with only one exception, that I couldn’t never erase him from my affection. I would love him in heart broken silence forever. Well, I ate up a little bit of lunch, emotion always did get me terrible hungry, and after T had got my| strength back through a little food |such as 1: a cold chicken and some bread and jam off the top of the| {1ce box, why I felt able to go on be- | ing miserable a while longer, but 1| was by now more sensible | So I set myself down and 1 to myself now lookit here Jules, no matter how bad Geo. you and neglects you and plain, as he has today, that he don't {care nothing more about vou. why | that is no reason why you should do the same, and you simply got to { make him love you if you have to use force! Probably the best thing is for yYou to go into town and drop into {the office and give Geo. one more nst to prove hisself guilty says | Jennie treats show: = ELL, naturally when I got that idea in my head I put my hat on |the outside of same and beat it for the city. All the way in T thought perhaps T might just as well put a end to all my misery by an overdose of ice cream sodas, or something. But by the time I reached the elevator of his office building I come to the con cluslon maybe It was better to give him a lead, the same as if it was Merry Christmas or my birthday, and he might hold out a ray of hope or a ten dollar bill, or something, to make a person’s heart feel a little less broke. Well, when I come into the office, there was Geo. at his desk, and he says why hello, what on earth brought’ you into town? And 1 says the traln, same as usual And then he says can I do some- thing for you, I'm awful busy today? And ®o 1 says sadly, no I guess after all there is nothing you can do Then he ast what train would I take out, and I snapped back and says whichever one took me, I wasn't a railroad. And then he says well I'm vou're sore, run along now, * sorry that a good soul, I got somethfng I got to see to, I'll be home for dinner. And then I let the hint I had brought in drop with a crash that had ought to of woke him up. Say George Jules, I says to him, have you got any idea what the date is today And he says sure I have, It is Sat- urday, February 14th, he says, lookit the calendar. And 1 says, thanks a lot, you said a mouthful! And if petticoats was in style, I would of flounced out of the {office Well, on_the train going out home, naturally T wouldn't cry for fear it would spoil my make-up and hesides some of the neighbors was likely sit- ting around near. and they might come up and ask who is dead. and naturally T couldn’t tell them it was my husband's love. But when I got in the house oh boy, the flood was a sun shower compared to me. 1 ain't has such a good. thorough cry in vears. Well. Junior come in pretty soor after that, and while I was cleaning him up, naturally I had a lot of dra- matic thoughts to the effect, the poor young one, what would his future be like if Geo. was to go on wrecking our home, and ete? *x % ox THIS night T put on the steak with- out putting no heart into it. T felt e all the dressing the salad would need was gonner be my salt tears, and the chances was Geo. wouldn't even notice the difference. And when at last I heard his step on the porch, why I was all set for a stormy scene that would of made a fortune for me in the moving pic- tures, only now, of course, it was t late, nothing meant anything in my life anymore, even success. Well. when had parked his coat and kelly, he come into the room with a smile on him that entirely crabbed the act 1 had planned. His hands was behind his back, and he says, say, he savs, you are a fine one, he says, T bet you don’t even know what day this is, he says, ain't you a Geo, little bit ashamed.that the poppa has | to remind you? Well, naturally about a ton of bricks seemed to of feil off my chest at that, but T am too much of a true Family Pride and Unsolved Secret Are Incidents of a Great Romance BY STEPHEN LEACOCK. was finished. Ruin had come Lord Oxhead sat gazing fixedly at the library fire. Without, the wind soughed (or sogged) around the turrets of Oxhead Towers, the seat of the Oxhead family. But 1d curl heeded not the Sogging wind around his seat. He was ton absorbed. Hefore him lay a pile pers with printed headings. n t he turned them over in his hands and replaced them on the table with a groan. To the earl they meant ruin—absolute, irretrievable ruin, and with it the loss of his stately home that had been the pride of the Oxheads for generations. More than that—the world would now know the awful secret of his Tife. The ecarl bowed his head in the bit- terness of his sorrow, for he came of a proud stock. About him hung the portraits of his ancestors e on the vight an Oxhead who had broken his lance at Crecy, or immediately before it There McWhinnie Oxhead, who had ridden madly from the n field of Flodden to bring to righted burghers of Edinburgh tidings that he Ing the battlefie again the portr head, who had fought in Spain, and been dismissed for it. Tmmediately before the carl a& he sat was the family escutcheon emblazoned above the mantelpiece. A child might read the simplicity of its proud signifi- cance—an ox rampant quartered In a field of gules with a pike dexter and a dog intermittent in a plain paralielo- gram right center, with the motto, ‘Hic, haec, hoc, hujus, hujus, hujus.” B S GJFATHER!"—The girl's voice rang clear through the half light of the wainscotedlibrary. Gwendoline Oxhead had thrown herself about the earl’s neck. The girl was radiant with hap- piness. Gwendoline was a beautiful girl of 33, typical English in the freshness of her girlish innocence. She bore herself with that sweet sim- plicity which was her greatest charm. She was probably more simple than any girl of her age for miles around. “Father,” she said, a blush mantling her fair face, “I am o happy, oh, 8o happy; Edwin has asked me to be his wife, and we have plighted our troth-— at least if you comsent. For I will never marry without my father's war- rant,” she added, raising her head proudly: “I am too much of an Oxhead for that.” Then as she gazed into earl's stricken face the girl's changed at once. “Father,” she cried, “father. 11?7 What is {t? Shall I ring As she spoke, Gwendoline reached for the heavy bell rope that hung be- side the wall, but the earl, fearful that her frenzied efforts might actu- ally make it ring. checked her hand. “I am indecd deeply troubled,” said Lord Oxhead, “but of that anon. Tell me first what is this news you bring. I hope, Gwendoline, that your choice has been worthy of an Oxhead, and that he to whom vou have plighted your troth will be worthy to bear our motto with his ow: iy of blue strick the all the Then to the right it of Sir Ponsonby Ox- with Wellington the old mood re you pa- | ad been able to gather in pass- | “GIRL,” SAID THE EARL, STERNLY, “I CARE NOT FOR THE MAN'S RICHES. HOW MUCH HAS HE?” And, raising his eves to the escut- cheon before him, the earl murmured half unconsciously, “Hle, haec, hoc, hujus, hujus, hujus. “Father,” continued Gwendoline, half timidly, “Edwin is an American.” “You surprise me indeed,” an- swered Lord Oxhead. “And vet,” he continued, turning to his daughter with the courtly grace that marked the nobleman of the cld school, “why should we not respect and admire the Americans? Surely there have been great names among them. But tell me, Gwendoline, this Edwin of yours— where is his family seat?” “It 1is at Oshkosh, father.” “Ah! say you 807" rejoined the earl with rising interest. “Oshkosh is in. deed a _grand old name. The Oshkosh are a Russian family. An Ivan Osh- kosh came to England with Peter the Great and married my ancestress.” “And Wisconsin, too,” the old no- bleman went on, his features kindling with animation, for he had a passion for heraldry, genealogy, chronology and commercial geography; “the Wis- consing, or better, I think, the Gui consins, are of old blood. A Guk | consin followed Henry I to Jerusalem {and rescued my ancestor, Hardup Ox- Another ‘Wisconsin, said Gwendoline, gently interrupting, “Wisconsin is not Bdwin's own name. That is, I believe. the name of his estate. My lover's name is Edwin Mohegan.” “Mohegan?" repeated the earl dubi- ously. “An Indian name, perhap: Yet the Indians are many of them of excellent family. An ancestor of mine—- ‘ather,” said Gwendoline, again interrupting, “here is a portrait of Edwin. Judge for yourself if he be noble.” * ok ok ok HERE was pictured Edwin Mohe- gan, to whom Gwendoline's heart, if not her hand, was already affianced. Thelr love had been 8o simple and yet 80 strange. It seemed to Gwendoline that it was but a thing of yesterday, and yet in reality they had met three weeks ago. Love had drawn them irresistibly together. To Edwin the fair English girl, with her old name and wide es- his afManced to break the fateful news to Lord Oxhead. Gwendoline summoned her courage for a great effort. “Papa,” she said, “there is one other thing that It Is fair to tell you. Ed- win's father is in business’ The earl started from his seat blank amazement. “In business!” he repeated. “The father of the suitor of the daughter of an Oxhead in business! My daugh- ter the stepdaughter of the grand- father of my grandson! Are you mad, £irl? It is too much, too much!” “But, father.” pleaded the beautiful girl In anguish. “hear me. It is Ed- win's father—Sarcophagus Mohegan, senfor—not Edwin himself. Edwin does nothing—he has never earned a penny. He 1s quite unable to sup- port himself. You have only to see him to believe it. If it were not for his great wealth——" “Girl,” said the earl sternly, “I care not for the man's riches. How much in million, two hundred and nd dollars,” answered ifteen ¥ thou adoline. 4 Oxhead leaned st the mantelpiece. His mind was in a whirl. He was tryinz to calculate the yearly interest on $15.- 250,000 at 415 per cent reduced to pounds, shillings and pence. It was bootless. His brain, trained by long years of high living and plain think- ing, had become too subtle, too refined an instrument for arithmetic. * ok ok % his head agai T this moment the door opened and Edwin Mohegan stood before the earl. Gwendoline never forgot what happened. Through her life the pic- ture of it haunted her—her lover up- right at the door, his fine frank gaze fixed inquiringly on the diamond pin in her father's necktie, and he—her father—raising from the mantelplece a face of agonized amazement. You! You!" he gasped. For a moment he stood to his full height, swaying and groping in the air, then fell prostrate his full length upon the floor. The lovers rushed to his aid. Edwin tore open his neck- cloth and plucked aside his diamond pin to give him air. But it was too late. Earl Oxhead had breathed his tates, possessed a charm that he scarcely dared confess to himself. He determined to woo her. To Gwendo- line there was that in Edwin's bear- ing, the rich jewels that he wore, the vast fortune that rumor ascribed to him, that appealed to something ro- mantic and chivalrous in her nature. As for Edwin, he loved to hear the girl talk of her father's estates, of the diamond-hilted sword that the Saladin had given, or had lent, to her ancestor hundreds of Years ago. Her description of her father, the old earl, touched something romantic in Hd- win's generous heart. He was never tired of asking how old he was, was he robust, did a shock, a sudden shock, affect him much, and o en. And now Edwin Mohegan had come in person to ask her hand from the earl, her father. Indeed, he was at this moment in the outer hall testing the gold leaf In the picture frames with his penknife while waliting for last. Life had fled. The earl was extinct. That is to say, he was dead. The reason of his death was never known. Had the sight of Edwin killed him? It might have. The old family doctor, hurriedly summoned, declared his utter ignorance. This, too, was likely. Edwin himself could explain nothing. But It was observed that after the earl's death and his marriage with Gwendoline he was a changed man—he dressed better, talked much better English. The wedding itself was ‘quiet, al- most sad. At Gwendoline's request there was no wedding breakfast, no bridesmaids and no reception, while Edwin, pecting his bride's be- reavement, insisted that there should be no best man, no flowers, no pres- ents and no honeymoon. ‘Thus Lord Oxhead's secret died with him. It was probably too compli- cated to be interesting, anyway, | in BY WALLACE IRWIN. To Editor, The Star, with his 2 famus assistants, Mr. Print & Miss Print: BAREST Sir: The Japanese Thinking Society, of which I are a membership, meet last Tusdy p.m. in hall above Nussbaum's Druggery where wo oftenly go with grt. bottels to fill prescriptions. 27 quite intellectual brains was there to do so. Jumbo Fatomato, Japanese prize- fight, who now attend all publick meetings so he can sleep away from the cold. Hon. John Milton Sago, Japanese heating & plumbing, set Hon. Chair, with hammer, looking quite Charlic Daw Among those presents was me & i, Sydney Katsu, jr.; Arthur Kickahajama, Miss Mamie Furioki nd her bro, Geo Washington Furioki, who lost his mind working in a Gin Mfg Co & are now driving a taxi-cabb. “Fellow Thinkers,” commence Hon. Sago, “Question before meeting to- night are: How to help the Farmer? Who in this oddience have had any axperience in that line?” “I have!” This from Cousin Nogl, throwing up his hand while stand- ing. “I helped a farmer once for nearly 2 days. End of that time he fire me like a gun because I merely planted his beans upside down. How could I tell which end when there we mark on it? Hereafterly I shall not help any farme “Pres. Coolidge think quite simular to you)” negotiute Arthur Kickaha- lama on his fe “A few weeks of ore some farmers come to White House with Iielp Wanted expression There they @ind Hon. Cal thinking 5-5-3 ratio & scarcely nothing about corn. “‘What help can Congress give to us, Mr. Pres.” require Hon. Farmers with straw in their voices, ““Little if nothing,’ report Hon, Cal. ‘Congress are short-handed already since so many ducks is going home lame. I cannot give you anny help. But I tell you something I can do- nate to you—something which I sel- domly surrender to anybody. A speech, This are it ““Fellow farmers,’ he say so, ‘since commencement of Time nothing have | been done without co-operation, If | you wish make money on farm you annot do it by magic. If that were Hon. Houdini could show some »f our poor aggicultorists how to get | out of the hoie when Winter comes. No. Farmer wishing wealth must imitate s—he must grow from the ground \ there is cooperation. You must Cooperation do everything. It { make MHenery Ford turn them out | fasten than they break up. It make Tammany Hall stick together like| porous plaster. Cooperation! You | bet your bootware! What got m elected? Cooperation. It have made us d like we are. It have hanged the savage into a chauf- | feur.’ | * % o * uI NOTICE a great many savages going into that business,” tiate Geo. Washington Furlok | anese taxicabber “Yet never before |did I know the reason why.” I were not speaking gasoline, much obliged!” dib Hon. Sago with hammer. I say Cooperation— Mr. Chair, if kindly please!” holla Japanese Also Hon. no up. try th let on. R0 T merely say whatter vou talking about. I sa: And then o. says. well, old lady, | this ~ edding anniversary, it's la pity vou wouldn't think about them things once in a while and me spend- fng my whole luuch hour picking out a wrist watch fi vou, he says. Mot Bozo, maybe 1 didn’t feel good, then, and by no means on account of | woman to FEBRUARY 15, Co-Operation for Farmers Togo Finds Strong Convictions at Japanese Thinking Society. the wateh, neither. But we ladies has got to keep our feminine mystery if we want do anything witlf our men. So 1 why George, how perfectly grand of you—d'vou know, dear, 1 Leen so busy all day, I pretty near forgot! up to (Copyright, 1925.) BY RING LARDNER. O the editor: I suppose they's other people in the world be- sides myself who has got children though I guess I have probably got more than | anybody else, at lease it looks that way judgeing by the Christmas bills, but any ways bretty near all of us is interested in kiddies or pretend like | we are so when a subject comes up | that refers to kiddis and ete. Why it looks to me like it was worth dis- {gusting in the public prints. | The subject which I got in mind to- | day was called to my tension by she who opens my mail and amongst same was a letter sent out by a pub- lishing firm advertising a book on the right job. The idear is that the most of us start picking out our children's life work or our own life work a long wile before we know what we or they is going to be fitted for and the result is that the ma- jority of people when they are Rrowed up meets with failure In life just because they have chose or Somebody has chose for them a voca- tion or occupation which they ain't no more fitted for than any one of a number of rabbits. Like for inst suppose you have got Aughter and you ain't very well fixed for dough and if the grow up to look like either of her parents why she ain’t libel to ever grab her- | self a help meet unless same is blind or off his nut, so it is a pretty safe bet that she will have the cholce of earning her living or enjoying a par- manent Lent, well suppose when gh2 is still 12 or 13 yrs. of age vou de- cide to educate her for a chiropodist and she studies and studies but ain’t got no knack for same and finely she opens up a shop and in comes a cus- tomer and our heroine is o nervous that she cuts off the customer's wrong toe, why it is libel to resul: in murder or jail or dismissal from the more exclusive corn and callons clubs, | Where as if the gal had been ex- {amined when young by a expert, why she might of win a big success ‘n | some employment for whicn she had a special talent like say gate tender at a grade crossing on the Nickel Plate. * k% ¥ "THAT is a sample of what may hap- pen in cases where the parent: don’t make no effort to judge what their oftsprings is capable of, but it ain’t much better when parents docs attempt to so judge and their judg- ment turns out to be terrible on acct. of not knowing how to read the signs. A incidence of this kind might occur where a pair of parents had a 15 yr. old son who all he 1id all day was go around hurting deople and trying to make them cry and the parents might think to themselves well Johnny should ought t> be ed- ucated as a prize fighter or soldier and they would send him to either Kid Howard's boxing seminary or tha Peekskill Military Academy to gain techniocal knowledge of whieh ever profession they picked out tor him, where as if a specialist had examined him they would of knew he was cut out for a leader amongst dentists, 1925—PART 5. '“HON. SAGO THROW A ICED PITCHER - 'WHIC H BOUNCE ON HEAD OF JUMBO FATOMATO.” Fatomato, uprising like 9 “I wish tell my experi- ence also. 1 had a uncle name of Ichi Suzl who were @& veterinary. After being kicked in head by a Jap- anese bull he preferred to be a den- tist—" ‘““What that got to do with Coopera- tion?" snarrel Mr. Chair. “Excuse, please,” dictats Jumbo. “I thought you sald cow-operation. I have some shortage of English language. What are this Coopera- tion you speak?” “Cooperation,” report Hon. Sago, “are very beautiful thing like love & angel food what work backwards & forwards from hand to mouth until everybody come out ahead.” “Are it vertical or horizontal, and 50, how many letters™ require dney Katsu, Jr, who have gone crazed over those cuss-word puzzles. “Listen with yr eyes wide ope digest John Milton Sago, “and 1 =hall tr; make plain this Cooperation. ippose 1 got something I wish to do very muchly, thank you, and can make money from it. You see that? Well 0. Then I tell other men what I wish do so we can share the proph- ets maybe. That are Cooperation. “Were it Cooperation when Hon. Angel Firpo got knock-over from Hairy Wills?" relate Jumbo Fato- mato “Were it Cooperation when England (rade 1z of ERypt for a general who got shot?’ negotiate S. Wanda, Jap- anese Boshevik. “Art it Cooperation when Hon. France ask America for a ten (10) yr. moraiorium what can be stretched every 5 yrs?' require Miss Mamie Furioki. “Silence Jumbo strong men. in the coat-room' holla Hon. Sago with knocking hammer. “How you think this Thinking So- ciety can do so when talking so muchly? One (1) person are pumit- ted to speak at a time. Therefore I shall do it.” “Cooperation,” he dictate, “can be found in most hummble & dishagree- able family circlss. 1 shall give you a illustration by Jas Montgomery Flagg. Sippose, “say Sago,” that Miss Mamie Furfoki's husband wish sneekaway to Rising Sun Billiard & Pool Parlor for enjoy slight polka game which Miss Mamie Furioki do not enjoy her husband to do. ing Hon. Husband give eye-wink to Sydney Katsu Jr who enrush to a tele- fone for call up Hon. Husband to say deceptively he wish him come down- town with fmmediate quickness for meet President of the International Alr Gun Co & buy stocks. You see that? That would be Cooperation.” “Would not!” snarrel Mamie Furioki like a mad eagle * ey CQW/HAT would it be, 1 ask know?" require Hon. Sago. Umpossible!” report Miss Ma resting her elbow on head of her husband, who was there to say noth- ing, as usua foreoverly” she corrode, “because you are a strong man and I are nothing but poor little Feminist, I thank you not when you stand there telling me what Cooperation are. I know it from my own eyesight. It are a plot to keep Woman scrushed under the heel & 3 sole of Man. But time will con when we shall ceese to be your Slaves. Set down!" She say that to her Husband who attempt rise up. but could not do, thank you, because his kneck was 100 bent.) “That are a very fine oratorio y spoke,” report Hon. Chair. “and I it be put under the table until next meeting when Question to be dis cussed will be: Are Febble Minded- ness a Disease or a Luxury? But we are here tonight to settle something deliciously difficult. What Can We Do to Help the Farmer? Hon. Cool- idge, who come from Massachewsits where cabbages are grown in stone quarries, say the Farmers need Co- operation. Therefore we shall limit this dis-cussing ‘o Cooperation among Farmers.” “With who should Hon operate, if anybody?’ I asked to know. standing on my shoes. “With Govt.” negotiate Hon. S “How he do that?” tion for me. “Well, then,” oppose Sago, “I tell vou. Sipposing I was a straw-seed wishing grow euckumbers. Instid of planting seeds ignorally in ground like used to do I would firstly to Sec. of Aggriculture to know if the Govt was behind me or not. At lastly about July 4, Sec of Agg would write- back say, ‘Yes, Dear sir, Govt are in- to Farmer co- go. are next ques- deedly behind you' What then I do? “MAYBE I WOULD BE MADE THE BEST TRAFFIC POLICEMAN IN THE WORLD.” write | big | | I plant seeds & leave the rest to Washington, D. C “Sippose those seeds does mot ap- pear to sprout uply?’ I questionaire. “How could they fail when Govt are behind them?" accuse Hon. Sago. “Govt are behind Prohibition,” I dib, “yet It fail in several damp places.” “Cannot you keep yr mind om the farm?” holla Chair. “If necessary Congress will make a 22nd Amend- mint cumpelling all seeds to grow when ordered by Sec. of Aggyculture.” ‘fiN‘ lapse. “Indeed are!” shreesh Miss Mamie Fur “Nextly you know it will be necessary to get permit from Sec of Commerce & Labor before fall- ing in love. “Silence in the coat-room!” howell Hon. Sago more & more, “I shan’t. even if 1 could” Miss Furiokl With those words a iced pitcher at her which didn't strike properly but bounced on head of Jumbo Fatomato, champeen whale- weight puggalist of the world. “Banzai & murder!!” whooper Hon. Tumbo, amassing himself in grand Dempsey position. “Tell me who throwed that so he can die.” Smashy of all chairs erything in that hall Sounds of Police CHAIR, you are talking like cheap furniture,” I col- very, vellup Hon. Sago throw Riots enjoyed. & chairman broken into bundles. whisling out “Nogi,” 1 sneekretively, exit by fire-escan quickly.” Therefore T lead him down fron lad- ders to outside ground where wa scarcelv broke a leg & walk with sil- ot us and be elsewheres | ence through dark spots. AN policed will be we g0 report for us. in ja hinking Soclety -wagon while nicely to bed like clergymen, Nog “This are v y sweet But are it justice?” “Not ezackly,” 1 mummur. are something nicer yet. “What you call it?” he wind up. “Cooperation,” I attack with Chancey M. Depew expression which seems full of very old jokes Hoping you are the same Yours truly MASHIMURA TOGO. (Copyright, 105.) “But it Decision as to Life Work of Child Made Fine Science at Great Neck lion for him. at 307" “Well, T have got a 12-year-old boy which I haven't no idea what he wliil be at 30, as his face and head 1s & combination of all kinds of types And I will admit that they's times when I wouldn't take a million for him and probably woudn't get it neither. But they's also other times when 1 would sell him and his three brothers for a ticket to last Spring’'s city serious in Philadelphia. However, I would advise all par- ents to get the book and also people that ain’t parents but don’t like their own jobs because either this book will give you the right dope and save you a whole lot of agony or else it will give you the wrong dope and land you or your kiddles In the gut- ter and if 8o you will have the satis- faction of saying well it was the book’s fault not mine. But what will he be —_—— Paper Barrels. barrels from a roll of tough *‘chipboard” paper Is ac- complished on a machine consisting of a cylinder, cut in two parts, which may be drawn apart on the axle to produce different lengths. The paper, passing through tension rollers and an adhesive-coating device, is wound for a predetermined number of layers, then a slitting wheel divides the paper, the cylinder halves are drawn apart, and an additional thickness of paper wound on In the center to pro= vide the bilge. INDING New Safety Gas. HE Chemical Warfare Service of the United States Army is experi- menting with “sneezo gas,” which may be mixed with flluminating gas 0 as to save lives by warning room occupants of the escape of gas. The author of the book says that every one of us was fitted by nature for success in some line of work. She has made a careful study of the sub- Ject and can tell by looking at a per- son just what line of work they can make their success in. Her book has got a list of 1,400 different kinds of jobs and a bunch of pictures and charts showing the kind of people that Is cut out for same. The reader can pour over these pictures and charts for a while and be able to select the right job for himself or kiddles without no fear of mistakes. Most of the deductions is made from a examination of the subject's head and face and hands. Personaly it it was up to me to pick out a vocation for my kiddies by exami- ning their head and face and hands why it would depend a whole lot on what timg of day I examined same. If I done the examining along about 5 p.m. in the afternogn I would ar- range to have them all educated for a job In a garage or a coal mine. * k ok X IN the advertisements they's pic- tures of four men's heads which 1s al! & IMeront types and it tells you » what each ‘type should or ought to do to win fame and fortune. One of these types is the financial type, an- other is the salesman type, another is the professional type and the fourth is executive type. The sales- man type has got a dimpled chin which it shows I was wise to not try and be a salesman. The execu- tive type’s shrewd, keen gaze and the financial type's well rounded cheeks lets me out in both instants. So that leaves nothing only the profes- sional type which I suppose includes writers and the main trait of this type is thelr high forehead which I can certainly boast of same now days but when I and my parents was chosing my life work the old brow wasn't nowheres near as high so me taking up the writing game as I have learned to call it, why it was just a matter of good or bad luck and may- be 1 would of made the best trafiic policeman in the world. On the front of the advertisement they’s a plcture of a boy which it says on it, “At 12 years, he is worth a million to you. His mischievous, boyish pranks, his eager, carefree ways make life better worth living. You know you wouldn't take a mil- “ON VERTISEMENT THEY'S A PIC- TURE OF A BOY WHICH IT SAYS ON IT, ‘AT 12 YRS. HE IS WORTH A MILLION TO YOU#* THE FRONT OF THE AD-