Evening Star Newspaper, February 13, 1921, Page 58

THE SUNDAY STAR, WASHINGTON, D. ©C, FEBRUARY 13, T9%21-PART 41 THE OLD COMPRADORE’S GOGGLES the pier and of the three native | ing with you and reward you in the ‘F course.” remarked Sir Arthur Dukelow, who had recently been appointed as commissioner of cus- toms at the great port of Shanghai, “the Chinese are not yet up to the Buropean ue of sympathetic Inks, | or I should at once recommend that | the usual chemical tests be applied to the letter. We often have to resort to that in secret diplomatic corre- spondence, you know." | ‘Quite_so,” replied the famous De- | tective Wang Foo, who was closeted with him in the inner office of the custom house, “but you see this na- tive paper is not sized or stiffened at all, and any acid or strong liquid ap- plied to it would immediately destroy its texture and we should thereby lose our only chance of detecting the criminal . “What would you suggest, then?" His visitor thought for a moment or two, and then, taking out of his sleeve 2 small magnifying glass, gave the Jetter a careful examination. Laying it down the table again and leaning back in the large office chair, he an- swered: “You are of course aware, Bir Arthur, that Chinese chirography has all the individual characteristics of European penmanship—in fact. a tolerably long acquaintance with both languages leads me to say that it has cven more. Our people cannot only identify the person very easily from his writing, but some become very expert in delineating his character from the various light and heavy strokes which he makes with the brush. They claim to do that in Eng- land, too. do they not”™ *Yes, I have seen some remarkable instances of it. Scotland Yard has, I am told, several persons in its em- ploy who make this a special study. “Well, I will ask you to do me the favor to allow me io take the letter away with me for a few days and sub- mit it, in perfect confidence, to one or two friends of mine who pride them- selves on being expert fortune-tellers in_this particular line.” “It shall be as you say. Mr. Wang,” and folding the letter up and replac- ing it in its red native envelope, he handed it over to him. **x JOW thFe letter In question had troubled the new commissioner more than anything that had come to his desk since his arrival in the port; 80 much 8o, in fact, that he had de- cided, after several conferences with Inspeetor McArthur of the police, to ask Mr. Wang Foo, who happened to have to come up from Hong Kong and help them in the solution of the mys- téry, which up to the present had completely bafed the ofiecials at Shanghai. The mystery was really threefold, vis: First. who was the writer? Second, why had he sent it? Third, how had it come into the in- side of a Btroredr locked desk? For when the office boy handed the com- missioner his Chinese mail just before tiffin. the latter had counted them over carefully and they were just eight in number. He laid them together in a little pile on the center of his blotter intending to open and read them on his return—carefully locked his roli- er top desk and went down to the club, telling the aged and very sleepy boy on duty that he would be back in the course of an hour, and that in the meantime no one was to be admitted to the room. When he came back and opéned his des astonishment to find ter had been added %0 the eight ready there and that they had been resofted and carefully arranged in three letters ot only this, there was a peculiar method in arrangement, ‘which indicated it ‘villain, who- ever he placed them there chance or. accident. '.l'zn: .:fi, .r. zllc was 't’h““’ ‘hor! 2 the desk, while the “tre Fen on the right 0 Sngle which: sekde ihem ear i e_them - p:-n:a” chig nr-tm f - octagon—thus ou the “P; Kwah” or “The mn.g’ r'i\-.' the most famous of all the symbols in the Chinese myn:olofy‘ there is certainly method :;:m:‘hu"nnhd‘n 8" o{m Sir Ar- 2 rang the for th boy. “Whe ha: 5 side while 1 go tifin™ he asked of the (as_he jed him, though his age must have been Yery near sixty) “My ¢an s-clafs mo man comee 4 ::.dne. my Mm (e ol chair ail es.” was imediate response. “When I go tiffin, have got eight plecee letter in my desk side—when I come back have got nine piecee! How fashion that, eh? You come look see!™ ‘The boy turned his eyes toward the desk where the three piles of letters lay as yet undisturbed—one glance wis enough, throwing both hands up into the air, he cried: “Pak Kwah' Pak Kwah!' (The Eight Diagram: The Eight Diagrams!) B'longee joss. pldgin. No Chinee man he do so My talkee tlue. one piecee comee dis side do dis.” “In other words. then,” smiled the commissioner, “you and I have come t0 the same conclusion, namely: it is either ghost or joss. Which practical- 1y amounts to the same thing.” “The “shost or joss” solation, how- ever, was very far from satisfying the mind of Inspector MecArthur, who led it as simply a Dlece of na- tive ulluny, with a_little &nmrfin in—or “sprinkled e sugar on a cake,” a8 he felteitousty ssed it, Just to hea off any inquiries on the part of the the — -n..'opl fon, even m':rs 16_very e In LA 101 he had asked that the letters be re- placed on the desk In exactly the sition in which they were found, had made velly careful notes of it an. * ®* x 8 LTHOUGH the MacPhersons had Deen already two seasons in Shangha!, this was really the first time they had ever been honored with an invitation from the Hunt Club to go on one of their famous runs over the country. It wasn't be- cause Miss Florence lacked an ap- preciation of this most glorious far- eastern sport. but simply because her devoted and overcareful mamma had declared that she didn't propose to have her only ghter risk her dear life on the back of one of tho: “awful Mongolian ponies.” This au- tumn. however, she had finally been induced to give her consent, but only upon the repeated assurance of Dr. Holloway. the American consul. that he would himself select and try out the pony beforehand and have his own daughter (who was reputed to be one of the best and most fearless riders in China) g0 on a preliminary run or two with the creature before the day of the hunt. Ko the after- noon of the November “meet” found Miss Florence mecurely mounted on Miss Holloway's favorite pony and galloping over the flelds as freely and easily as if she were back on her andfather's old farm in Véermont How well you ride, Miss Mac- Pherson: why. you're more a ‘griMn’ than your pony ia'" exclaimed young_Anthony Lowder of the Mara- time Customs as he drew up along- side and politely doffed his racing you know it Isn't the firs time that I was on a horse's back, Mr. Lowder, and, after all. 1 don't belleve these Mongoiian animals are really a bit harder or more danger- ous to break in than many a plain New England colt. T don't think so, either.” replied the young officer, an they both slowed down their gait and gave thelr ponies chance to get their wind again. y the way, excuse my asking. but is your mother riding, too, this after- noon?* “Mother! Why. you must be out of your head, Mr. Lowder. to ask such a question. ' Mother! She would no more trust herself in one of these saddles than she would in a balloon. No, indeed. she is probably on the consular veranda sipping Mrs. Hollo- way's deliclous tea and wondering whether 1 am ever coming back “No! Not really? “Yes. indeed. [ and even if this ceeatura @ throw me into a along more interesting—In fact, so much so ces they bolted be thrown if she could help it. tunately ditches in the direction she was head “gay cavalier, denly at the sli le it the stream. dous effort, struggled out of the pre- dicament and, freed from his burden, started on a_beeline for the town, off to a Blue Beard castle and there be tortured or murdered in some de-|them back.” lightful oriental way. really think there is any risk of that, do. Now, you don't | you?" | “Not as long as I am your gay cava- ller—which I trust will be for the| rest of the afternoon,” replied the | courteous young Englishman, who was being more strongly drawn to his new American acquaintance every | time they met. The conversation, as they rode together, became more and | that ere either of them realized it their ponies had wandered quite away from the scent and they found them- selves suddenly at the entrance of a little village where a funeral pro- ion with gongs and firecrackers was just passing out. The noise and racket startled the ponies and fright- ened them so that the riders were utterly unable to control them and in _opposite directione. to the reins and saddle and didn’'t propose to For o Miss Florence clung bravely there were no canals ed, and after crossing a half dozen THE ONLY OBJECT VISIBLE THROUGH THE POSSIBLE THAT diminutive farms she found herself on the old Pagoda road and going rapidly back to the settlement. The however, was not quite so fortunate. His mount darted across the neighboring flelds and in a few moments reached the edge of Pagoda creek, where, stopping sud- ery bank., he tried to keep from sliding down into the ter, but the incline was too steep for him and the animal and they both roiled over to the very edge of The pony, by & tremen- leaving his helpless rider bleedin, and unconscious in the mud Fortunately—or unfortunatel: a8 the case might be—the accident®was not unobserved. Two coolies, bearing heavy burdens on their bamboos, were just starting to cross the neigh- boring stone bridge, and dropping their loads, hurried to his assistance. They picked him up and carried him up onto the roadway. After a few moments’ consultation, they decided to take him to the only shelter in the vicinity, which happened in this case to be an old brick house about a hundred yards away and directly at right angles to the bridge. (This structure, by the way, was one of those old double arches, 80 common in that part of China, and rejoiced in the euphonious title of “The Dragon's Eyes.") They knocked at the door, which, after a short delay, was opened very cautionsly by the aged occupant of the dwelling. “Well, what have you there?" was the somewhat anxlous inquiry. “An injured foreigner whom w picked up on the bank of the creek was the reply. “Ah! A rider, I see”—pointing sig- nificantly to his boots and spurs. “Why do you not take him back to the foreign city? here. It serves him right for reck- lessly destroying our fields the way they do." 2“Lao Ye Chuin Tse poo chi yiu shio, tak tan Tse yueh, lien ming yin tlen mang! (Venerable father, that ‘the superior man is not a utensil’ we all Know, but the Master said: ‘Mercy brings the reward of Heaven!") The apt quotation from the sacred classics produced its usual magical effect upon the native mind. and the oid man admitted them and had them place the Englishman on the rough straw couch while he produced the customary tea and pipes. As they left he drew out of his girdlie two short strings of brass cash and—to their utter surprise and delight— handed the money to them with these words: “In the name of all the Buddhas, see that vou mpeak of this to no man. Keep it a profound secret, for if it _be known that he who dwells by *The Dragon's Eyes' is sheltering the foreign tramplers of our flelds, the vengeance of all the neighborhood will come down upon my head. * % e THE contents of tha mysterious let- ter which the commissioner had entrusted to Wang Foo, and which the latter was examining carefully in his little upper room in the bas- ketmaker's home, were as follows: “Two losses will be yours and two d treasures will disappear—the en carth and he who guards it' You will mearch for them far and near, but you will seareh in vain Oitch or a Chinese canal, she |s quite positive that some bandit or pirate The sacred Buddhas will hide them from your mortal gase; only he who v\ I do not want him | Goggles' shall find them and bring The Daily News gave the explan: tion of the second, when it announced the disappearance of young Mr. Low- der, and a confidential interview with Sir Arthur in his private office revealed the first, when he confessed to the great defective that serious of the valuable opium *) had recently taken place from the customs pier in the most unaccountable manner. | Now what possible connection could |Tung side of the river a little low | there be between the two? On this, viz.: that some desperate and | skiliful thieves, having succeeded in abstracting the opfum from the store- | room on the pier and fearing detec- | tion, had deliberately kidnaped the customs officer whose duty it was| to guard it! Such was the inevitable conclusion to which the inspector of | police had come when the facts were made known to him. On the other hand, there were three things against this: First, Mro. Low- der was not one of the guards on the pierand had nothing to do with protec ing the opium except as the shipping papers, etc., passed through his hands in the officc. Second, there could not OPE! THE TWO L INGS WAS have been any prearranged kidnap- ing, for it was perfectly evident from Miss McPherson's testimony that his pony had run away with him at the paper hunt in the country. Third, the thieves would not have been foolish enough to go to the trouble of an- nouncing the facts to the customs and of suggesting a solution by means of “The Old Compradore’s Goggles.” Now, would they, Mr. Wang?” in- quired Sir Arthur. “Probably not, had they been Euro- peans, but being Chinese—which all these circumstances most conclusively show them to have been—that is ex- actly what they would have done. Mystification s always part of their program; there seems to be a subtle fascination about it which they can't Tesist “But the letter Is written in the future tense. You see it says, ‘will disappear,’ although it is put into my desk forty-eight hours after the rob- bery and the kidnaping have taken place. Now, how do you account for Wang Foo hesitated for a moment or two and then replied: “Oh! Thht i only a skiliful deception, intended to frighten you and make you think it was all planned out beforehand. They often do that Vil what is your conclusion as far as yvou have gone” “1 am only willing to say this at present, and I do not wish to h vond the privac of this o I believe that there has been @ ‘row among thieve: tkay. and that a fight has taken place fover the division of the spolls. The disappointed parties ure determined to expose their riyals to you and the tuthorities, but instead of doing it directly, as Europeans would do. they are going about it in this roundabout manner. Now, hearing of the disap- pearance of a customs employe, they are trying to make you believe that they kidnaped him in revenge, and 80 ‘when you catch them. they will have to suffer for a double crime, don’t you msec?" ‘And what do you think it meant by ‘The Old Compradore’s Goggles? Is that also a blind?* erhaps.” “Is there any kind of & magnifying Klaxs that the natives use that bears that name, or do you recall any allu- |slon in the classica in those words? 1 know how very fond they are of this sort of thing.” “I shall have to put on my think- " replied his visitor, as he rose to go. ““There are plenty of ‘old compradores' In Shanghal, and they undoubtedly have plenty of ‘old gog- Eles'—perhaps we shall nd o pair that fits this particular case The “thinking cap” which Wang Foo put on that same evening would hardly have been recognized by the commissloner—or. indeed, by any of his friends—for it wa® a complete and perfect disguise. He had entered his house as a Chinese gentleman and he had emerged later on as an ordinary jin-rickehaw coolie, having hired the outfit and the vehicle for double the entire evening's fare. He turned down the broad Nanking road and, passing slowly along the Bund, reached at length the rickshaw-stand just be- ond the customs pier. Here he de- nosited his vehicle and, after having refreshed himself with an oil-cake purchased from the old woman at the gate. he coiled himself up between the shafts and pretended to doze away while awalting his customers. (The great customs clock struck “0," " und “11" beforq anything occur- red to_awaken h‘i.qw un\ly‘.; THE OLD BRICK HOUSE. TREASURES WERE REALLY THERE? From wot guards who watched over the opium storeroom. They appeared to be most faithful to their duty. No one was allowed to approach within ten feet of the gate and no sampan was permit- ted to touch that side of the pler— vet balls of the most precious opium | had several times disappeared from that very room during the night. How had it happened? He watched and waited, and this is what his trained eyes saw: From across on the Poo eraft put out and headed for the mid- dle of the stream. Four paper lan- terns hung from its sides and from its bamboo on its bow a string of fire- crackers crackled and flashed, while the notes of a tiny brass gong floated across the water. “There cmes the ‘joss boat' over to this side!” he heard the foreign po- liceman eay to a passing sailor, “that'll be good luck for the incom- ing tide” “They sure are great believers in that sort of thing, now, ain’t they?” was the ack-tar's reply, as he rolled along the sidewalk. Chiang Wang “Chang Wang Lai! Lai! Hai Kwrah Ma Tow Ching Foo!” COULD IT BE sald the guards on the pier. -(“The River King is coming! The River King is coming! He will bless the ustoms pier!”) He saw it come nearer and nearer until it touched the pier and stopped right in front of the morning. “It shall be as the two vemerable | €rand ones say.” So, with the consent of the aged grandparents, he made ready to spend the night. The moon was almost at the full and being near the feast of All Soul the children were alitwed to foam about wich their torches and little | lanterns until far past the hour of bedtime. ~An inclination, stronger than he realized, came to him to fol- low a little party of them out toward “The Dragon's iyes,” and meated by the roadside, he watched them as they played. Two of them ran over the bridge and stood directly opposite it where the creek made a sudden turn, while two of them stood on this side and, bénding low, waved _their lanterns through the arches to their compan- ions. “What do you call this game,” he asked. “Oh!" they replied, “we call It ‘Kwan Lao Tal Pan Ching Tse.’ | Haven't you ever seen it before? Wang Foo started up suddenly and running down to the bank where they stood, looked through the arches of the old bridge. The reflection in the water made the two perfect circles of one of thg old “spectacle bridges,” and so they called the game “Looking Through the Old Compradore's Gog- gles.” He took one more glance—the onl object visible was the old bric house! Could it be possible that the two lokt treasures were really there? He waited until the children were zone and then slipped quietly up to the door—there could be no mistake— it was Anthony Lowder's voice! It would have been folly to have attempted the rescue alone. He hur- ried back to the village. “The moon is 8o clear, T have decided to try to reach the city,” he said, and saddling the old pony, he whipped him into his utmost speed and never stopped until they reached the mate of the American consulate. How the rescue party was quiekly made up: how by midnight they reached “the Old Compradore's Gog- gles”; how they released Mr. Lowder, whom they found tied hand and foot to a bamboo bed; how they arrest>d the old man and fook him to the city: how they dsicovered the hiding place of the stolen opium in the inner room —all this was told in a leading article in the Daily News, but it still re. mained for ng Foo to unravel some of the inner connections be- tween the blessings of the river King and the mysterious letter in the com- missioner’s desk. * ¥ % X «y'OU Americans are certainly the most adaptable creatures in the world.” said a cheerful young patient in room No. 6 of the Shanghal Hos- pital to a nurse who brought him the £00d news of his early release. “Why, Miss McPherson, there doesn’t seem to be any role you can't play, and play most successfully. Now who would have thought of your disguising your- self as a nurse? “Disguise?’ she said, with a smile, as she started to rearrange the flow ers that some mysterious friend had placed on the table by his side. “Why, this isn't a disguise; this is simpiy putting on my old uniform again.” “Your ‘old uhiform'—Why, you don't mean to say you've ever done it be- fore? “Done it before! Oh! so I look and act like an amateur, do I, then?” with a quizzical point that suggested some little hurt feelings 1 “No, 1o, not at ali—you do! stand—I mean—that is— “That is, you haven't seen my little #old badge. That cross and shield is the proof of my two years’ training In old St. Luke's, in Philadelphia.” “Why, how did you come to do that 7" “Oh, I just had a feeling that I| would like to be practically helpful | to some one in this world some time— | you know you never can tell when you may be needed. and I thought I| hould like to be ready.” ‘And _you certainly were needed | here. I don’t believe I should have been out of here for another two 't under- weeks if that rosy-cheeked creature from Guy's had continued dropping AROUND THE CITY her ‘hs' all over my floor. She means well, poor soul, but it made me nerv- ous irying to pick them up after her. But it was awfully good in you to come and heip & fellow out this way. I don't know how I am to thank you ‘Don’t try to thank me, just accept my little penance, and"-—she leaned over him and took his right hand In hers and held it for a moment—"you know all good people have to do pen- ance some time. Just tell me that I am forgiven.” Penance? Forgiveness?'—he held the hand and wouldn't let it go now— “why, Miss Florence, what do you mean “Why, it was all my fault. that run- away, wasn't it? If I hadn't been Wwith you that pony would never have bolted, would he?” “Well. perhaps not, but then, you #ee, If he hadn’t bolted, why vou and I would not be here now, would we?" “No, I suppose not: we might just be dranking tea at one of your wutuny stift English afternoons, and— “And then we shouldn’t be alone, should we, Florence?’ (Naughty hoy he, to just drop the “Miss” before his nurse’s name In this way without glving her any preliminary notice.) ‘Alone?" es, and I shoulgn't be able to tell you that T really am deeply re- liglous—thowgh T may not look ft— and a profound bellever in a lifelong Penance?” “But I don't want to be a nurae and stay in this hospital all my life.” she gently protested. “No, no: not in this hospital: but just in thix dear old land of China, as the guardian angel of a heartsick patient. you mee?” “And ‘in memory of the event which brought it about. they would certaiply call it ‘a runaway match. wouldn't they?’ ‘Who cares if they do?' was his reply. as he drew hef nearer to him. And so it came to pass that when Mr. Anthony Lowder of the imperial maritime customs left the institution a few days later the nurse who as- sisted him into his jinrikisha wore on the third finger of her left hand a sparkling decoration that was not strictly a St. Luke's Hospital badge! “Yes,” remarked Wang Foo. in his closing interview with the commis- sioner before his return to Hong- kong, the ties of family relationship are still very strong in China. Now who among the Ruropeans would have thought that vour office boy and | Old Wang, the receiver of stolen | goods, and the assistant priest of the River King were all brothers and all mixed up in the same family game?" “Quite true” remarked Sir Arthur, *“and who would have suspected that same sleepy old office boy of mine of having energy enough—or ‘even brains enough—to make a duplicate key to my desk?” “Or. again, who would have sue- pected the guards on the pler of being foolish enough And careless enough to allow the River King's barge to tie up right under the oplum?* 'Put how could a younger brother, under the strict ruies of the Con- fugian ethics, ever bring an accusa- tion against an elder one? TIs not that a most serious violation of the teaching—in fact, a erime?” “Ah, you see, that iz juat the point. ‘That_Is where he ‘saved his face' as we Chinese say; he didn’t really ac cuse him—he merely suggested that we ‘look through the goggles’' and 50 he freed himself and shifted the responsibility to our shoulders.” “And why did he call the old bridge ‘The Compradore's Goggles?’ “Why, simply because that is a popular’ country name for it, and his brother, you see, had once been a compradore and had worn such goegles for years." “What an ingenious play words!" “Yes, China is full of that sort of} thing, and it means far more than the foreigners realize. He knew that if we stooped down and looked through the old arches we should see just that old house—and that was the very place where the opium was | concealed. And then, perhaps, he recalled that famous old saying of the classics: ““Looking through the crystal spheres, One cAn gase upon the hidden treawurse. on ENTEEL, middle-aged men are not addicted to selling news- papers on street corners, but there are always exception And it is the exception that counts. His averagely good clothes were well brushed, the shine of his shoes was assertive and on his face 1t was the grim repression of it that made a passing woman pause to storeoom. It then swung around and made fast, with the stern séveral feet under the'flooring. The old priest on board greeted the guards, rattied off a lot of blessin; 10 them, beat his brass gong and end- €d up by setting off another pack of firecrackers for which he reaped his reward in a shower of brass cash which was liberally thrown into the boat. He finally pushed off and star: ed to scatter further blessing along the river bank—but not until the oth- er priest concealed in the stern had had time to pen the trapdoor skill- fully cut in the floor of the wharf and to remove from the storeroom three balls of Patna opium (worth almost their weight in gold) gnd stow them away under the floatiffg shrine of the River King! That was the conclusion of jin-rickshaw coolie No. 946—other- wise known as Wang Foo—who watched the whole proceedings from his vantage ground, and his conclu- slon was absolutely correct, even though he was only using his natural eyes and had not put on “The Old Compradore's Goggle: K % % ¢y ES! This is the exact spot where ‘we geparated; I remember it per- fectly," sald Miss McPherson, as the searching party drew up at the en- trance to the village where the ponies had been frightened. “He must have gone right off in the opposite direc- ton.” “We had better divide into four parties here, then,” said Maj. Camp- bell of the volunteers, who was directing the movements, “and scour all these fields thoroughly tor hoo prints—though 1 must confess it's awfully hard to trace them In this mud—and we will meet again at the old stone bridge they call ‘The Drag- on's Kyes.'" Right you are, major,” answered the consul, who was acting as Miss McPherson's escort. “What do you think can have hap- pened to him?" she asked, more dis- tressed than ever at their apparent ilure. Well, he may have crawled away, fainting, and be lying on the edge of one of these flelds—" “Poor man! He might be dead by this time. Oh! IUs too awful to think about.” “But 1 still feel very sure that some natives have found him and have con- cealed him in their home.” ‘Why, they surely would came and 1 us it they had, wouldn't they?" “They might and they might not, you see; they are o queer and super- stitious that they might do the very opposite thing.” The parties searched until nightfall and finally were obliged to return to the settlement with the object still undiscovered. Yes, they returned, but not all—for one rider on a very slow and old-fashioned Chinese pony stayed behind and resolved to spend the night in the country. Wang Foo came to a lttle village not far from “The Drag- on's Eyes,” where 1o one knew him or the searching connected him with party for the foreign rider. “It is far to the great city, is it not?" he inquired. it is fully thirty ‘11 n old farmer answered. from weury with my journey, and ermit 80 18 thy steed. If you wil buy a paper, though she had just fin- l;h’ed hgrl:)wn humble share in fls mak- ing, and to stand back where he couldn’t gee her, that she might find out whether or not he was making good. You see, you can't afford to miss a chance for helping out an obviously “last stand” case, like that, because of the reproach you would feel if you woke up next morning and read of & tragedy that you might have averted. Ang did not. And after she found that people were buying and buying, she went to where she belonged With 2 fresh luster in her conviction that this is c e blessed, world—ex- cept sometimes—and that the millen- nfum that cynics have their doubts about is already lying around every- where, like the misfit pieces of a jig- saw puzzle, If only we could shape it into a perfect whole. One has to consider, of course, the injustice to friend newsle, who was that much out, financially, because of an older competitor. That is the mi fortune of not being l‘hlo to fit the igsaw leces together vet. JwBuL anyhow, this isn’t about news- tes. It is just to tell of a middle- aged man with a sensitive face, who for some reason, which is entirely his own affair. selling papers on the corner the other afternoon. And making good, Lord love him. * ¥ ¥ ¥ OME boys were playing Soldiers. There was a drum and a squeaky fite, and as they paraded by—flag In {tront and a make-believe tank bring- ing up the rear—an anclent man who was watching from the curb sild to “I marched down this Avenue like that at the close of the civil war, over fifty years My first visit here since then. The native registered good-natured interest: “You must have found everything changed, sir.” “Not everything, son. Same old flag. * ok ok K PROFESSOR who {8 a member of the faculty of a quite famous university took his tiny son to sec an uncle he had never met. The boy was socially willing to snuggle into the arms of his handsome new relative, but when it came to kissing: “You mustn't do that. Don’t you know you have not germs, and that I have got germs It sounded like childish precocity, but it wasn’t. Tt was scientific know! edge of the sort the father deals in and which the baby mind had ab- sorbed from grown-up talks. And yet that professor was innocent enough to be shocked at little son’s beha- vior. S0 many parents are that way. * % % X WELL taflored young fellow breesed from the sunny street into the twillght of an elevator. All that he could see back of him wi an indefinite figure in a black skirt. A skirt stands for sex, and in deference to the probable peachiness of the wearer, the young m whipped off his green felt and spiked his cigarette, . By’ ‘the time the selevator bad Bin eyoa,-RO~ {on. jher stock with another man who chanced to be MeXt: | tranaparent paper fs used. for the customed to the subdued light, too! notice that the woman was :""fl’o.: every day woman of 'umphy ag The young man put on :ll hat and tr:?k a secretive puff at his cigar- ette. !;Al the third floor a pretty girl got The young man whipped off his hi and spiked his cigarette. = All of which is to =ay that while a man has a perfect right to keep on his hat in an elevator if he wants to, there are rome things he may not do and keep on being a man. * % x & TTHE little brown man who sells balloons has been invaded by an American rival. She materialized the other afternoon at Tth and the Avenu: with & shower of gay balls—blue, red and yello—bobbing above her in the sunshine like 8o many Aladdin Jewels on a spree. Rersonally, her gingham apron, blue odle and the white yarn nubl - !mnln‘ her head upset the ‘a‘!cm:n that AmericAns are not picturesque, ‘hx:ntl;‘r;o mfi‘lnte'ruht of the thing la e of her jubilance of her whole. face nevrs mind the wrinkles—as she mold oft a aracter- istic of hot cakess . no88 character For, children dear, it takes a ve adventurer to n{m the wolf wl:’l:‘lm better weApon than a string of fool- ish toys—provided you kuow about the wolf, and have ‘ever almost—al- most—felt the sharp white of his teeth. NANNIE LANCASTER. Pretty Lamp Shade of Paper and Chintz A novel idea in decorating lamp shades is the use of bright-colored designs cut from chintz and placed on durable white paper used as the foundation for the shade. When body of the shade only those colors that readily trgnsmit light should be used for the decorations, such as orange, pale, rose and delicate yel- lows and greens. If you want the shade to serve particularly as a day- light ornament, opaque paper will be the best choice for the founda- tion, then the designs may be of a less transparent color. The effect of the richly colored chintz figures against the solid background of the 8| is very mtriking. A cylindrical shaped shade for the foundation is easy to make. A long rectangle of the proper proportions is all that is necessary for a pattern. Chintz makes an excellent decora- tive materfal because the character and the variety of the patterns fur- nish ail kinde of figures that can be cut out. The decorative scheme may be a ring of scarlet birds, a band of vellow butterfiles or flowers grace- fully arranged in knots or gariands. Geometrical figures placed in regular patterns afford a more precise dec- oration. There 13 no end to the pic- tures that can be made by combining various small figures into groups. Oc- caslonally a scheme of decoration may call for a certain figure not casily to be found in chintz. In that case cut the desired figure from a pleture and use the pattern thus ob- tained to cut the real figure from plain chints. 'When applying a dec- oration care should be taken to close the design wheré the two ends meet in such a way that the joining will not h!ld en. Fll‘l:‘urvl fl‘)bl‘ I\bt:,ldll;‘l{ the shades in pl oan be bous “ut litle cost pr made al home from B By Sydney C. Partridge|Lardner Applies for a “Master Mind” Position By Ring W. Lardner. R. W. G. HARDING, Dear Sir: It looks like my name was amist the also rans in the race for cabinet positions and wile I am disappointed, still and all I realize they was only 10 jobs to give out and a couple 100 unemployed hollering for them and you figured 1 wasn't the kind that would yelp if you turned me down as I can make a liveing some other way so 1 don't blame you for what has came off. Ot the men Who you are going to | “ON THE FIRST PLACE, OF COURSE, 1 WOULD TEND TO YOUR CORRESPONDENTS AND KEEP YOUR PANTS PRESSED, AND AN- SWER THE PHON | [ {=ide the yard, but if any of them does appt. I have heard of 3 or 4 of them | something about them. but if I wae too busy learning English, but any way he thinks that ambassadors from rope could make us understand their affairs better if they could tell us about them in their own language. Well, ferent Mr Harding, when the di ambassadors come to the White House to see you | would go to the d. or and greet them in their vn tongue like for inst.: g “Bon “Jour Mons. France” or. Gehtx Herr Liverwurst® or “How ban every little ting.” and they would think I understood their lingo and if they wanted to borrow money or ha 3 uld ade. or Fre us help the 83y ch m fight somebody it in German, or and save us trouble jand money, because 1 wouldn't know | what they was talking abont 1 don’t suppose you will have much ouble now with women pickets out- bang around and bother us, why, I am a past master in getting rid of women, All 1 generally half to do is g6 &n set down by them I would play golf with vou and keep score, and 1 believe 1 could save you many a stroke and I would g0 to vaudeville with you once a wk. and keep tickling ¥ou in the ribs so as the report ¢ the id say you scemed to show and laughed heartily, and when company dropped in in the evenings 1 we ferent musica that ould 1 nobody stayed late. sur Major Domo and your Col. House bring out my dif- instruments and see 1 would be and about all as you would half to do would be to brush your own teeth ¢ and get your pictures taken. * x % % THAT in a outline of my conception of the se job and not only that but maybe my Mrs. could come along and cook for you and as for references she has only self. painfully neat garage and with eve Sunda S Now Mr. Harding I don’t know what and I suppose you have 100 and know ' Mr. Tumulty has been getting but 1 M worked since she started, witch speaks for it- I can assure you she throws a mean waffle iron and is what I eall and clean could fix up liveing quarters over the | she would be satisfied Thursday and every other off. in one family 1 and her will come for the game money, though you 1 would get the govt printing of coarse the cook's wages would be I I@H L /Y \ “AS FOR REFERENCES, SHE ONLY WORKED IN ONE FAMILY SINCE SHE STARTED, WHICH SPEAKS FOR ITSELF.» office to print up a few dozen resig- regrets and etc. all filled in so as if [to this position and 88 evidents of they's any of the cabinet that can't write they won't feel embarrassed when it comes e to hand | extra, but any way T will expect to nation blanks with the reasons and | hear from you n.zon.hlr in regurds my good faith I will write your in- uguration speech and mail it to you them |in & few days and you ean uws it one, and just leave a dotted line for | Whether you hESES Mn Barmanently them to put their signature or mark. | °F_no. Now Mr. Harding, wile as I say I don’t hold nothing vs. you for what you done and I understand why you couldn’t do no different, yet it seems to me like your administration is 1libel to be another farce unlest they’ at lease one master mind connected with it and though they’s nmo places left open in the cabinet, still you haven’'t bound yourself in writeing in to the position secy. Gre: RIX 3 t Neck, L. I, Feb. 11. Perseverance. 'HE Duchesse de Clermont-Tonnerre told at a dinner in New York a story about Pierpont Morgan. “Mr. Morgan,” she began, “used to NER. » to|tell this story in praise of perms- re the President and if you come at me|verance. You see, it appears that & in the right way—well need I say more? I have heard reports that this job laid between your present secy. Mr. Christian and Richard Washburn Child and wile I don't know nothing vs. these gents, still and all I don’t believe its a job for a Child or a Christian neither one. It wouldn’t be, the way I would fill it. * % x % NOW. Mr. Harding, let me tell you something in regards to idears about this job and what I would make out of it. In the past the Presi- dent's mecy. has just been suppose to act like a buffet between the Presi- dent and the pes! ‘Well. Mr. Hard- ing, 1 am a past master in acting Jike a buffet but that wouldn't only take a small portion of my time and I would spend most of my iime make- ing your job euch a cinch that all as you would need to be scared of would be getting arrested for va grancy. in the first place, of coarse I would tend to your correspondents and keep your pants pressed and answer the phone. But besides that 1 would write all your speechs and messages and 1 would stick words in them that President Wilson never heard of and 1 would also make up some funny things for you to say once a wk, when you receive the hewspaper men 50 as they could say in their storys: “The President was in a jokeing mood today” and then go ahead and spring ‘a little evidents to prove fit. Dureing other administrations the newspaper boys has often sald that about the President being in & joke- ing mood, but they either expected the readers to take their word for it or else they accused him of gagzs! that Wounded like they was wrot for the gridiron club dinner. ‘The kind I fix up for you would be extemporanous, like for inst. suppose one of the correspondents said: “Well Mr. President what about the Armenian mandate Your reply would be, “I never made no_date with no Armenian man Or suppose they ast you what you thought about ireland, you would say: 1 guess its all riot.” Or if one of them says, “How do you feel about disarmament?” You would answer laughingly, “You will half to tell me witch arm you mean as I have forgot.” That is a few samples of the gags I would frame up for you and in a little wile the papers would print the Washington news on the comical page where people would see it. * ok % N OW Mr. Harding, I been reading in it that none of the gover officials in Washington wile he here could speak any foreign language | in Mr. Bernstorft's book sbout |5kt nis 2 years in America and he mays| grunted: lclerk had in view a more responsible position at a higher salary. He asked for a reference. But Mr. Morgaa “‘I'm too busy to write you & refer- ence. Take this’ And he handed the young man a $20 note and hurried out. “When Mr. Morgan passed through the office some time later the elerk was still there. He explained that $20 was of no uee to him. ““Then have $40' aald Mr. thr l‘:n. ing a second mote on the clerk and again hurrying out. “An hour or so went ".;i there was a loud knock. and the erk thrust his head luto Mr. Morgan's sanctum. *What! Aren't you satisfied yet, the old banker growled. “Mr. Mory made the ¢ *‘No, Mr. Morgan, Even If you were to pay me $100-— n drew out $80 more, erk take the money, then {waved him away. “But when the old man came to de- part that evening there was the clerk in the outer otfice, waiting for hum still. ing for yoi eference.’ uable-—-' pted $20 notes. ‘Mr. Morgan,’ he said. ‘I care noth- * money. What I want is ‘But I told you my time was tob “That's just it’ the younx man in- ‘Here's $100 in new, crisp Now you just sit’ down ard dictate me a gocd reference, sir. and Il pa tate a minute. yYou—-iet me see, i stake you about four minutos to die- "Il pay you at the rats of $25 13 it a bargain? will r Morgan accepted the money, h dashed over to a stenographer and a moment. he returned and hand § the ng clerk a2 iypewritten sheet that “To Whom 1t May Comncern { Pierpont Morgan, do by these prea- ents declare that Georga Stickit i a fool if he leaves m 5 3 empioy and dep clines the third aseistant manager- lsnip at $4.500 a year that I hecedy joffer him. —_— The Girl at Sea. «JGNORANCE™ The speaker was sn edmiral, who was discussing at a dinned party certain strictures that had been passed upon the Navy. he went on, smiling whim. (hat armchair critic is as ignorant as the girl on the Cunarder. “This girl, crossing to England, got friendly with cers, 4 young man of twenty-five o two were leaning =ide so. The the said: wan | Drie rail here goes four bells of the ship's of- day when the I ruet It's my watch