Evening Star Newspaper, April 30, 1898, Page 16

e 30, 1898-24 PAGES. THE EVENING STAR, SATURDAY, APRIL Written for The Evening Staz. “I'll bet Representative ‘Joe’ Cannon was a spry fellow in his youth, and I'll bet even money, too, that his music was not well developed as hfs muscles,” said a fermer member of Congress a few days | ago. “And on what do you base your prep- osition?” asked The Star reporter with whom he was talk:rg. “Well, I don’t mind telling you. One night in the early part of February I was sitting in the lobby of the Cochran. Can- | non and Representative Shattuck of Ohio | came out from dinner and* stood talking near the news stand. Just then a street | piano on the outside struck up some siow and pathetic melody—I think it was ‘Ben Bolt"—and instantly ‘Uncle Joe’ negan a | double shuffle. that he permitted his feet to work, but long enough to show that he tnust have been the pride of the country girls of his (ilingis) district in the days when he was young. “I think he would have danced a trifle longer if Shattuck hadn't whispered to him that the piece was not a jig, but a teuching melody. “It was indeed ‘Uncle Joe's’ frolic. oo bad to break up x Oe Re OK “That Billy goat the boys had for a mas- cot on the New York,” remarked the pay- master's clerk, “suggests a monkey that my | father used to tell me about that they had on a frigate in the times before the war. This monkey the sailors had picked up somewhere in the Indian ocean countries. It was a bright little pink-nosed fellow that preferred association with human kind to his own, and he hadn't been aboard ship forty-eight hours until he showed in num- beriess ways how much better satisfied he ; was with his new home than he could posst- | bly have been with his old one in the lush fores! pf the tropic: “He was everybody's favorite and had a special fondness for the cook, who was a darkey from Virginia. The ship was sta- tioned in the China ports for a year, and during that time the monkey was the light the and joy of the whole Fourth of July came was asked from the ha the port where they wi crew. When around permis ‘bor author to fire a style. The regular salute was en it Was proposed that the crew “The Star Spangled nner’ and fire for chor! The gun wa gun loaded and every- | thing was left ready while the crew went | to the main deck, where something to drink | the health of the nation was to be served before the song v and the gunner to be sent back “The program w st off the chor ied out to th ter. and my father always said he neve heard the ‘Banner’ sung half as well before nor since, and the cannen chorus couldn't be beat. Then the men scattered somebody thought of the monkey See, he wasn't a native American, « father always said had look: But he was | not to be fi in’t seen him nor had the cook's boy ld he re- spond to f the usually brought him flyir him no c w 5 t had becom! til e knew 6 o'clock, when a | boat's crew went ashore to a big spring for 1 lay off from thi of an big tree _ Ww » thi of the tr look to ft 1 stones the disap. > had > the when thi of Mug, the monk of sport chase that ating: it Mu und this out, the aval swell affair in Detroit. nd of L Ss counts his we hundred thousands. The wh« z is composed of rich young men who the one particularly fashionable street in Detroit, and is as exclusi swell club in the country ilitia meant to them giving offici er to a very delightful and well-regulat- yachting party s h great promptness and pride that they volunteered their services to their country at the first sound of war. They ad visions of havin; & vessel all to themselves and sailing und on ed wh commander, who would recogni: social equality existing between the ithe men. It was a cruel s discovered that after en- would be common sailors and ubjzct to t * to be ch other ilor men who have ne ¥ social status above the fo'cas be expected te rub deck and do ot tasteful and unbecoming work th men have to do. With H Pect before them they got up a “round robbin” 2nd sent two representatives to hington to consult with the peretar, f the Navy about the matter. resentatives were Liev w Assistant Secretary F z he first time in the history of the avy so high an official was called upon to discuss with a chief boatswain's mate a | question of raval regulations and the pro- priety of said chief boatswain’s mate and his associate sailors being ord: to this sort of duty or that. The interview with Mr. Roosevelt enly served to make it plain- er to them than it had been before that if they enlisted in the na would have to be treated as other enlisted men and go to such duty as they might be ordered to without having the choice of maintaining their own exclusive circle, where the dis- tinction of official rank could not obscure They their social claims. fronted with the, pro t Pelled to serve wherever o: fon sailors, or else to retr are now con- of being com- red, as com- ce their steps NOTES OF | A perfect diplornat in his way he never | It was only for a moment | | age ccntaining his passports, la | | Mr. | ment and showed it to Mr. Bayard. He fol- | lowed exactly the sam» course witn equal | success in ering the ultimatum to Min- ister Polo. The two envelopes are now | ‘Eddie private prcperty, having been present-d to him by Secretaries Bayard | Day, and are treasured by him z important s in the diplomatic histery of the United State: * * In a store on 7th street there is a clerk | who has for months been talking war. Though he handles silks and laces and | smiles sweetly | linger at his counter, this ha | | has been cra , | protest IRN and reconsider their determination to win distinction. Strong political influence has Been brought to bear on the department, but no way has yet been discovered by which they can enlist as. sailors and pre- serve their social status and immunity from the unbecoming duties of fo'castle life on a man-of-wer. They have been ordered to Norfolk and are proceeding with the dire prospect of fo'castle service in mixed company. ee £ eK “One of the most int2resting characters in the government service,” said an official of the State Department today, “is Eddie Savoy, the colcred messenger of the assist- ant secretary of state. He has been er- ployed in that department for the past twenty-seven years and is thoroughly im- bued with all its customs and traditions. sees anything he should not see nor knows anything it is not intended he should know. At !east that is how he im- presses the pecple who do business with him—his superiors, as well as those desir- ing to communicate with them. His posi- tion is a strictly confidential one, and fre- quently puts him in pessession of highly important state secr2ts, the premature dis- closure of which, in several recent in- stances, would heve seriously embarrassed the government. But never since he first entered the foreign office, back in the ad- ministration of Secretary Fish, when the State Department was located in ihe bulid- ing at the corner of 14th and S strects, now used as an orphan asylum, has he been known to betray a trust or to tell anything What2ver about the affairs of the State De- partment that he was not personally au- thorized to tell. I am reminded of this by the important part he played in the events attending the recall of Sackville West, the British minister, during Cleveland’s first ad- ministration, as well as those in the more recent case of Senor Polo, the Spanish min- ister. He acted as the trusted messenger betwen the Secretary of State and the for- eign minister in both cases. Secretary Bay- ard selected him to personally hand Mr. Sackville West his passports and Secretary Day conficed to him the important duty of nding to Senor Polo, first, President Mc- <inl-y'’s ultimatum to the Spanish govern- ment for the evacuation of Cuba, and next Use official papers insuring him safe con- duct out of the territory of the United States. ‘Eddie,’ as he is familiarly called, impressed with the importance ions and adopted a simple but method to satisfy the head o1 the of their successful execution. shrewd | department When he handed Minister West the pack- he as favor to show that they had be erly delivered that he write his autograph on the official envelope and give it to him. West did as requested, the envelope with its autog ment and broken sea? ie indorse- back to the depart- at the fair ones who otten at no time | is desire for war. st deadly form is what he & for: least, he so ex- pressed himself to the other clerks in the store, All he arms caused him to forsa War in its mo wanted to hear was the call for the should not be found wanting. was before the President made his 9,000 volunteers. The day follow- dent's call it was noticed that stk had little to say regard- of his fellow clerks re- | solved to have Some fun at his expense. | One of the proprietors of the store, who is | Jso fond of a joke, was let into the secret ah isted in making it a howling su brought to his aid a down-town nounced martial bearing. On this friend entered the 7th bringing out some blanks | oked as if they ing the Pri | this ferocious Seve He which issued by ing down the | the pre A pe . but reluctance inst | ul abode ho final- signed their ay from es of direful car h great nartis od © clerk who had been so fierce nét whose is Charlie. Char. awful suddenne d pale in an in- 11 | of the | war in all ils vividness -like before him, and in m: himself dodging He reg ed an emphatic & hustled off to the he nnon balls. in t front on so little ceremony. e in on the little piece of emphatic when ily looked upon sultable war material ac n the day, when he found 1 the victim of a rude joke. fountain in a drug store * was kept busy that even- narli+ footed the bill. Charlie no more talks of war. Ok until late i he had be te ted in wanting war with Spain,” said a congressman in talking about some of the incidents leading up to the rupture of relations with Spain. | “Every time he shaved me he talked in fierce and warlike tores end intimated that the administration “was acting in too con- ervati | for gore. a stop to ft. “What is your name? I asked him one | day. He looked curiously at me, but gave | me his last nami ‘Now I want your initials,’ I said. Luk a hyear, boss,’ he said, ‘whut yer a I grew tired and decided to put manner. In fact, he shouted TO ENJOY AN OPEN FIRE “I have made a great discovery this past winter,” said Hawkins to Simpson, as the car came down the hill. “What's that?” asked Simpson. “Well, sir," replied Hawkins, “you would bardly believe it, but I am pretty near fifty-five years olds and was born and brought up in a hard-wood county in Ohio, where nry father’s uncle used to haui back logs into the fireplace with a yoke of cat- tle. You know how they did that, don’t yeu? They linked two or three big log chains together and run them in one door and out the other; then the steers just walked away from the house and the log walked in and a turn or two with a hand- spike put Mr. Log right into the big, black stone chimney, where he would glow and sparkle for a week or two before he crum- bled to ashes, and his successor lay at the dcor ready to come‘in and take his piace. I grew up in front of that old firepls Many a bowl of samp and hominy I have eaten right there on the hearthstone, sit- ting on a little slab stool. Oh, my life; weren't those happy days! What digestion! How good that samp was! And hulled corn —boiled all day with just a little lye in the water! I tell you, we don’t realize what civilization owes to good corn and open fires in this century. Think of the Ohio men that were made of corn and fire! We-"” “freasury Department. Transfer for Georgetown!” interrupted the conductor. Several times day Simpson won- dered what Hawkins’ discovery was, 2nd as many times he-had to go back and foot up the long columns of internal revenue re- turns on which he was serving his country at $1,600 a year. That night, as Hawkins boarded his car to go home, there sat Simpson. “I was telling you,” resumed Hawkins, about Ohio and the old fireplace this morning, and I have had a biazing log tire in my mind all day. No wonder we grew up to be fire worshipers. The best mem- ory I have of the war is of the tires we had in camp and on the march. How the south did burn! Nothing like that pitch pine except the pinon we had out in Coiv- rado when I was ranching twenty years ago. That burns like butter, never used to light a lamp to read by. Just lay down on the deerskin floor before the fire and the light was steady as kerosene. We- “You said you had made a discovery,” suggestively interrupted Simpson. “Oh, yes; I have, and it’s great. As I said, I've lived half a century or so, and loved fires all my life and never knew it until this lust winter. You know, when 1 wes a iittle chap eating my bowl of samp in the firepiace, the fire would snap ind crackle and throw sparks and coals at me Many a time I felt them before I saw them. Scmetimes they burned a little round hole through my trousers or waistcoat. Down south the camp fires sometimes popped like the muskets of the Johnnies. In Celoraio a wet pinon knot would crack like an ox- driver's whip.” Lut where does your discovery come in?” said Simpson, somewhat impatiently, as he saw the streets flying by and foresaw a sleepless night of worry ahead of him if he did not get the nub of Hawkins’ story before he got off the car. “Oh, that’s so! It is this: I ha Joymg the luxury of an open fire all the time I've been in Washington, Buy sea- soned hickory. Sometimes have paid $10 a cord for it. I believe it has added ten yea to my life. And it was only two or thr months «go [ learned how to burn it. We've alw had a little trouble in our family over it. My wife swears—declares, 1 should at it has barned up a good rug I won't have of these » been en- one fancy brass screens mixed in with my t No, sir! I want my fire straight end full strength. How to kave a goed open fre and not set the house on fire las veen a problem. I have solved it completely. Put yeur log on endwise and it will not throw t! Don't undirons out a single spark. Just arother stick on s re parallel with the chimnc But have your wood cut short, about eighteen mehes, then put Acruss your two iron bar irons and on th . ends out toward rk or coal will eve and- Nota y out. The scientific reason for It. ‘The cells ron lengthwise of the tree; when moisture in them is suddenly converted to heat there is ar: explosion out along the path of leas Now, just twist that path around of the circle so the length of the wood is paraliel with the sides of your y, and you i right, and b; of ce will abide with you and your at's something mankind never knew. b: fore. David and Methusaleh lived and died ignorant Napoleon Bonaparte | and Darwin nev of it. Time and mind for centuries have gone on without its beneticence. Tt ned for a Hawk- ins to bring it forth from the outer dark- ness of things unknown and unthought of for th comfort and | man. ‘on! Here’ Goodn 3 THE OATH OF One of the Clauses Was To: the Humortst, The editor-in-chief of the Daily Howler ving enlisted for three years for the war, he was succeeded by an elderly gent with a wooden leg and a sinister counte who was reorganizing the force, or rather putting into shape pieces of the editorial crazy quilt set before him. ‘And what are your duties?” he said to a young and galunt-looking fellow with a gray ey? of glass. “I haven't been assigned yet, sir,” he replied, “but I expected to do the funny business, sir. The Howler has always had a reputation in that iine, and it would be a pity to lose it when talent is waiting, sir, to maintain it.” And the gaunt man tried to puff his chest out and look like a pouter pigeon with a palpitator on. “Huh,” grunted the new editor, “funny OFFICE. Much for nee. man, eh? Write jokes and verses and things like that, eh? Current humorist, eh? Well, sir, are you prepared to take 1 oath before going to work?” ‘What is it, may I ask?” hesitated the humorist, who would have taken a dose of medicine before losing his job. “Hold up your hand,” commanded the censor, “Will you solemnly swear that you will not, during the prevalence of h tititi stween the government of the United States on one side and the govern- want wid my name?’ I did not answer him, hough he finally gave his init ld like to have your city badly scared colored citizen by time. ‘Fer grashus bess,’ he in frightened tones, ‘gimme sum un- nding ub dis t'ing.’ “I at once told him that the Secretary of War had asked me to take the names of all men who seenied inclined to want to fight, the Secretary desired to add them to the t of nervy wen who wanted to tackle the Spaniards without delay. “Then { had a barrel of fun. ‘Please don’ do dat,’ he begged. ‘De truf is, I has bron- chitis, Bright's disease and consumption, an’ my health is in de wus state I cher saw.’ I promised him to say nothing right away about the matter, but he never both- ered me again, and so far as I knew never talked war with anybody again.” | TRAVEL. ‘The Cunard “Spscial,” John Bull (of the world in general)—“Th. Your American trains go much faster than Jonathan (from the west in particular)— #'ll run off your darned little island!” full speed for London. ere is nothing to be alarmed at. Surely this?” “Why, yaas. But ‘tain’t that. I'm afeard vent of Spain on the other, refer in any- ng of an alleged humorous character you may write to a Spanish mackerel? Swear, The aspiring humorist choked once or twice, and swore. ‘Nor to Spanish needles? Sweat 1 swear.” or to Spanish fly?” “But they are bound to fly,” pleaded the humorist. “Leave that to the news editor. swear?” “T swear.” “Nor to Spahish onions?” “But it is gardening time.” “Leave that.to the hired man. Will you swear? “I swear” “Nor to Swear.’ - “Damn!” exclaimed the humorist. “Sir?” said the editor, with a look of horror. “You sald swear and I'm swearing,” ex- plained the humorist. “And what is more. Ul swear I won't work for n osuch editor. You must think a man can be funny in time of war on hay. No, sir, I can’t do good work if I am not allowed the proper tools, and, sir, you've taken away the humorist’s best implements, and I must tell you to go to thunder and bid you good morning.” Will you anybody walking Spanish? pHa ss The Force of a Rifle Bullet. In the English official regulations for 1898 it is stated that the mean extreme range of th2 Lee-Metford bullet may be taken as about 3,500 yards, although, with a strong wind, 3,760 yards have been observed. The bullets find their way through joints of walls, unless the walls are made very fine and set in cement. About 150 rounds, con- centrated on nearly th> same spot at 200 yards, will break a nine-inch brick wall. Rammed earth giv2s less protection than loose. When fired into sand, the bullet is found to be always turned aside after it has entered a little way. The following “thick- nesses of material (in inches) ar2 usually necessary to stop the regulation .303-inch bullet: Shingle between boards, 1; hardened chee plate, 4 fame pee woes 9; sack of coal i iry mud wi * eart! 60; compreszed cotton bales, or oak Be elm, 33; teak, 36; fir, 48; clay, 48, r UNCIL OF WAR pet aes AT A co CEN “SWastiington boarding house. TIME: Hpeaktast hour. CHARACTERS: As indicated. » Mr. Lightweight (reading headlines)— Well, I seé' we'yt collared another—he, he ~another lumber schooner— Mr. Eatemup (in growling aside to neigh- bor)—Listen to that gibbering fdiot! (Aloud) Sir, can you réaa? Doesn't that paper plainly say that the prize is a liner, and— Miss Odearme; (pacifically) — Goodness sracious, have those dear, brave men cap- tured another bgat? How nice! Wouldn't I love to be a passenger on one of the boats captured just fcnthe— Mr. Earlysouréd—You would, hey? Think it would be romiantic, and all that, I sup- pose? Well, it wouldn't, “I can tell you then. They stow-all the women captured down in the coal bunkers and feed ‘em on rothing but salt horse, and, like as not, they make ‘em walk the plank later on— Miss Odearme (with frightened little scream)—Why, the outrageous things! How would they dare— Mr. Eatemup—They’d dare, all right—dare any old thing. That's what we've got a navy for. Our men want to fight, but they're not allowed to. If I had my way there wouldn't be a stick or stone left of Morro Castle by noon—no, sirce, there Wouldn't! Biow ‘em up, say I! Hammer em up! Biff it to ‘em! Let ‘em have it on the solar plexus! .Slither ‘em! Male it s0 blasted warm for ‘em that— Mr. Obegood (deprecatingly)—My dear sir, you surprise me! Your sentiments, sir, do very much more credit to your heart than to your head. We are a humane na- tion, my dear sir, and— Mr. Eatemup—Humane, nothing! We're ro better than our neighbors. It ‘ud be a rattling good thing for us if we weren't quite so humane. What do you want us to do? Let that. monkey lot of dagoes over there walk on us? Not much! I say, sock it to em, and the quicker the betfer! Don't leave anything of em, and— Mr. Heavyweight “ponderously)—All_ in good time, my dear sir; all in good tim The fact ‘is patent that the administrati is quite aware of what it is about, and if it is the administration’s view of the mat- ter that a peaceful’ blockade will better eben the interests of the country, Mr. Agineverything—Peaceful blockade, hey? Idea is to starye ‘em out, 1 suppose? Well, ain't that just what Weyler was do- ing with the Cubans, and what we had the big kick coming about? D'ye mean to say that this government wants to take a leaf out o’ Weyler’s book, and scatter a lot o' non-combatant soldiers and sailors around, so’s to hem the enemy in, and have ‘em die off from starvation? What kind 0° war- fare dye call that? Never heard of such a dub play in my life! D'ye— Miss Abnegation—Of course, it would be a shame if any of our men got kill but if they're not going to fight, what will be the good of nurses? And {ve been just crazy to have pa let me go as a nurse! Miss Enamelphiz (titteringly, aside to neighbor)—She go as nur Te he! Dear me! Why, she doesn't do a single, blessed thing the livelong day but sit up in her recom and read yellow-backed novels—and the way she screamed the other night when she saw a mouse—just to get sym- pathy from the men, you know, and to impress “em that she’s Such a high-strung little thing! Nu h, my! (Aloud.) Are yeu really anxious to go as a nurse, my est y M s Abnegation (crushingly): Well, I da that I've ‘got more patriotism than ne people, that have the hardihood to go about on bikes! with the Spanish colors dangling from tné handle bars! All the Miss E addressing all ance of the r countries unfortunate? It so many errors. But, then, think ostentatious patriotism is aitaste? I saw a girl yesterday whole American flag for a hatband, you awfully ba. with and— " Miss Abnegation (asi means me! I j down on her! Mr. Eatemup: Who was the girl? I’d like to meet that girl! ’'d marry he morning, ifoshe’d have me! s card, all right! le to neighbor just hope the men w! ~ Suit the dagoes, T say! They’ Veshern dead "uns, anyhow for the past four hondredsyears or so. What right have they got— Mr. Lightweight, will you | ce of the mackerel? H ghtweight: Yés'm, if it isn't Span- haw—te° he— Deaillysmooth (aside to one hundredth time i i he he—haw Mrs. That's the thing has worked that joke over! (Aloud.) M ish neighbor): that silly Lightweight, ore you thinking of en- tare. Lightweight (quoting): “He also who simply waits,”—er—is that right Eatemy Pulp head! (Alead) why don’t you go Mr. Lightweight: Beea: : he—haw vywelkht: 2 thing as war ible. Yet I perceiv ency to make light of— Mr. Agineverything some fun out of it. 211 get. Mr, Katemup: That’: ! Reminds me of a comic optra the-way the thing’s being run. 5 Mr. Nocinch: ,WeH, does anybody know that it's dead: certain we can lick the Spanish? Mr. Obegood: No, sir, no one knows that. And ‘t would be a national humiliation if we were to tak2 the initiative and commit depredations such as hot-headed people recommend, and then get soundly pum- meled for our pai Mr. Eatemup (aside to neighbors): D'je ever hear such a jay as that in your life? Why the dickens don’t he ask for his pa: ports and get out of the country? (Aloud) Who's a-going to pummel us? What are they a-going to pummel us with? When are they a-going to begin pummeling us? What are we a-going to be doing all this time? Landlady: Mor? coffee, gentlemen? Neverthink: Speaking of coffee, oughtn’t coffee to be cheaper if we swipe the Philippine Islands? Mr. Earlysoured (aside to neighbor)— We'd get eleven-cent coffee on this table if they grew it on vacant lots in Washing- ton. (Aloud.) What do we want with the Philippines, anyhow?” Mr. temep—Weant anything we can get. Got as much right to grab as the rest of ‘em! Philippines ‘ud make a good win- ter resort—no freezes down thers. Want {em anyhow, even if we have to sink ’em in the sea after we get ’em! Want everything in sight! Want everything that’s loose! Want Spain! Want Europe! Going to hav> *em——-wow!—rip ’em in two-sell-’em for jurk—give ’em to our kids to play with— Miss Featherhead—Gracious me, I just wish some one would tell me where those Philopena Islands ar2. Mr. Knowitall—They’re a couple o” hun- dred miles from the Sandwich Islands, Miss Featherhead—out in the Pacific, you know. Chorus of men—Not much, they ain’; (Ten-minute argument among the men as to wher2abanuts of Philippine Islands, which are severally located anywhere from the Sicilies to S.S.E. of Zanzibar. Argument firally settled by fandlady’s small boy, who springs geography’ on table.) ‘ Mr. Eateraup—Well, whatever they are, we want ’em! Got to have ‘em! Bh? Six minutes to nine? Gee-whiz! Chorus of men—Six minutes to. nine? Holy smoke? (Exit all the men.) Miss Odeatme—I saw a perfect love of a sixty-nine-cent shirt waist yesterday after- noon, etc., ete., etc. aside to neigh- I y, Light- a chaplain? I want to as a haw ‘onnection ms to me a tend- S well get See “Down in Front.” 14898, Life Publishing Company.) ad (Copsrights: can and Spanish vessels can be read- ily located from day to day, may be WAY HIS MOTHER COOKED “My husband w forever telling me about ‘the things my mother used to make’ during the first few months of our mar- riage,” said a ycung Washington matron, “but he stopped doing that after we mai a@ summer visit of a week at hig mother’s home out west about half a year after 1 became a ‘Mrs.’ It had up to that time been ‘My mother used to make this and that so it would melt in your mouth,’ and ‘My mother had a knack of cooking that stuff that would simply make a man glad he was born,’ and all that sort of thing, until I was almost distracted, and I grew to believe that his mother, whom I had never seen, must be the greatest preparer of food that ever lived in this world. Then, as I say, we went out to his mother’s home to stay a week. His mother ts an old-fash- icned woman, who likes to do the cooking herself. The first breakfast we ate was simply a marvel of awfuiness. There was fried round steak, tougher than leather: ‘potato biscuit’ as heavy as lead, yallery coffee that tasted like dishwater, big hunks 0; fried potatoes, terribly greasy: thick slices of fried pork, all shriveled up: corn- bread that was only half cooked—oh, my, it was really frightful! My husband, I could plainly see, was crestfallen, but’ he stuffed himself, said everything was ‘out of sight,’ looked daggers at me when I said that the long journey had taken my appetite, and announced after breakfast that he hadn't eaten a meal in a decade that he had enjoyed so much. He dién’t want to own up, you see. Well, evel meal was simply a repetition of this break- fast—‘oid-fashioned’ cooking, you know, that I'm sure I can’t understand how our fcrefathers and foremothers endured. My husband stuck it out for three days thac he was enjoying the meals hugely, but could see him becoming somewhat tireder- looking all the time, and finally, after «in- ner on the third day, he came upstairs with me and said, ‘I fear my mother is sort o'losing her grip in cooking.” By the time we left his mother’s home ine was the pi ture of a dyspeptic, and it was fully two weeks after we arrived home in Washing- ten before he couid as much as think of eating a square meal. But after he recov- ered from the attack of dyspep: he ce teinly did enjoy our little meals, and he kas never referred since to the ings my mother used to make.’ Men, you know, orly remember how they used to enjoy their food at home when they were. raven- ously hungry boys, returning from swim- ming or walnuting expeditions, but nothing but their return to their boyhood home after an absence of many years, during which they have grown to manhood, will ever convince them that the things they had to eat when they were young ones were not the greatest ever served.” oe STORY OF THE WAR. A Knew His Wife Would Never Go in as a Private. The War Department clerk who return- ed two days ago from a week's business trip to New York was narrating an expe- rience or two which eventuated while he was in the metropolis. “New Yorkers,” he was saying, with an air of a man who knew, “have an idea that if New York is taken care of, then all the rest of the country will be amply protect- ed. They are also nervous about the ap- proach ef a Spanish fleet with long-range guns, and I fancy if one shot were fired at the town the population of the interior suburbs would be increased a million or two in fifteen minutes. They have got re- cruiting stations in the parks, and are picking up all the able-bodied men they can get, and thereby hangs a tale. On day a nervous, hunted kind of a fellow. about thirty years of age, came in and said he wanted to enlist. The officer in charge knew that the man had either a past or a domestic infelicity, but as he had the ap- pearance of having health enough and size he was put through the regular course and accepted. Then it cropped out that he was enlisting in order to escape from the tem- per of his wife, of whom he was in mortal terror, at the same time admiring her Strong points. Two days after his enlist- ment he was met by a dozen fellow a round headquarters. » 1 say, Jacks 1,’ Said one, ‘did you recruit know we got a new from your county today ““No. You don't sa ponded Jack- sen, with a s asure on his face. “Who was it? “Your wife.” answered the speaker, with at Jackson would turn pale or dor something. “t do either, uch, my wife,’ he said, with su- preme confidence. “She isn’t enlistin’ at all. And you bet if she gets in this regiment it won't be as a private: she'll be the colonel. You don't- know Susan, you don’t,’ and he pa! whistling “Phe Girl 1 ‘Left Be- hind M ——+ IT WAS ONLY ICE, But This Man Thought It Was a Piece of Burning Iron. “Iron mills are hot places to work in, but the men have lots of fun with all their hard work,” said a retired iron man to a Star reporter yesterday. “The ether day I took a walk througn several mills over in Pennsylvania that I am interested in. As I was going through one the superintendent asked me to wait and see a little fun. I did so, and I will tell you about it. “A new man had come to work that morning and the men were about to in- itiate him into the mysteries of the busi- ness. You know it is so warm that the men strip their bodies to an undershirt. When the trip hammers come down they pro- duce myriads of sparks, which the men try to avoid. “The newcomer had been told that he was in danger of being seriously burned, and that if he felt a spark anywhere about him the only sure way of helping himself was to jump into a big vat of water, which stood a few feet away. “Finally one of the big trip hammers came down with great force, and as it did so one of the men sneaked ‘up behind the newcomer and dropped a smali piece of ice down his back. You never saw such squirming and agony in your life. “Thinking of what had been told him, he took a run and jumped headlong into the vat of water. The men gathered around him and talked of an ambulance, but he soon found he was only the victim of a joke.” > Dress Reform in London. An effort is again being strenuously made in London to found a rational dress league. Viscountess Harberton, who has been connected with the several previous similar attempts, took the chair at the inaugural meeting at St. Martin’s Town” Hall on March 15. The cbject, as stated in the first resolution passed, is “to en- courage reform in the dress of both sexes, but more particularly to promote the wear- ing by women of some form of bifurcated garment, especially for active recreations and business purposes.” The league pro- poses at least one practical proceeding, for it intends to prosecute men and boys who publicly jeer at the wearers of “ra- tionals.” Yet no “cause” was ever won without its martyrs, and surely a rude re- mark from a small bey is a mild form of that inevitable penalty. = es Finding a Grave With an Egg. The Miau-tsze, a tribe in Asia, will not bury a man until they hav2 first tested the ground with an egg. This operation is curious. While the body is being prepared for burial, a number of Miau-tsze, including the male relgtives -of the deceased, go out to the appointed spot, bearing a large basket of eggs. Stooping down, one of the natives lets an egs drop softly on the ground. Its break- ing is considered an ill omen, and another spot is selected. In this way the party often wander about for hours, dropping eggs until one strikes a plac where the shell do2s not crack. z se Re THE WAR MAP. Copies of Thursday's Star, includ- ing the handsome colored war map, by which the position of the Ameri: obtained at The Star office. An terry: The world is kind and the world is fair. (Hark! "Tis the sound of fife and drum!) Here's all we need and a bit to spare, And each may be happy with his good share. If it grows not here it is growing there. (Hark to the marching men who come!) The men who fight for a country’s weal; The men who follow, nor ask, nor feel; The men with weapons and hearts of steel. (Hark! Tis the sound of fife and drum!) the brotherhood of man! ‘Tis the sound of fife and drum!) A mighty and everlastirg clan Who fought ‘gainst the cowering beasts that ran From skill and brain since the world began (Hark to the marching men who come!) The men whose labors made forests yield; Who won from the desert a fertile field, That iife in its gladness might stand reveaied. (Hark! "Tis the sound of fife and drum!) Oh, who has shattered a hope so dear? (Hark! "Tis the sound of fife and drum!) Despite the pust and its lessons clear, What thoughtless tyrant would persevere, With shrieks of the dying to shake the sphere? (Hark to the marching men who ve The world is rich and the world i: me!) Here’s all we need and a bit to spar. And each may be happy with his good share— (Hark! 'Tis the sound of fife and érum!) Ags Pride. The gentleran’ whose whiskers were cut foreign and whose manner of speech was caretul, had been saying a great many things in which Miss Cayenne was not interested. But she became alert- ly attentive when he observed, “Now, for instance, you haven't any family trees worth mentioning in this country.” “Oh, yes we bave,” came the quick reply. “They're young but they'll grow, I fear you misunderstand me. Of course you have map. people whom posterity will natura 7k back upon with respect.” “Plenty of them.” “But a nation which does not recognize an aristocra not_expect to produce people who can be st of blue blo a cucstion of the color estim of cor- is figuratively speaking. , there is not the slightest occasion bout that.” inly not. Pe what the be expe nnet in Your _biue i ell en nc » world and time will coin to get s t figuratively But thi is a id up- le all x + avincing. tles the affairs of the 1 off-hand had been discussing the war with Spain. His praiseworthy patriotisr which would tolerate no concessions, was fortified with great elog and an irm- zinat str n which deveioped great power un- 3s of emotion, he idea of our having any difficulty whatever is preposterous!” he exclaim I can’t quite agree with you there,” joined the man who, owing to a hab thinking twice before he gets left out of the conver an't you, though? sp or, with a suddenne: ich mac the other jump. “Look at their methods. They show what the result must be, not only inevitably, but swiflly. Look at the conference held between two of of the flotilla. “You mean ‘listen to it,” don't you?’ asked the slow-going one, who becume very much embarra: others tittered at his remark. “I am no human phonograph, but I can put two and two together. History is b tory. There is no going back on that.” “To what conferenc a refe “It was between two naval office said the aggressive orator, half closing his eyes as if in a supreme effort of memory. “Atte being sternly greeted by his superior, one of them was addressed in the following words: ‘Senor, I should like to know whether you think you are traveling on a warship or hauling freight on a canal ed when the between the garment which shoulders and a portion of my now covers my breakfast? Now, I've given you a good hint at that ons “Nobody said a word, and he cheerily re- sumed ‘Oh, well, I don't blame anybody for not guessing, although all these an- swers seem very them. One is an old coat and the other ts a cold oat.” The eld bet ler! ter vi easy when you know member of Congress glared and the lady elevated her glasses to get a ew of the new young man who was looking up and down the table, grin- ning serenely. There was silence for some time. elderly lady thoughtlessly broke The it to in- quire of the high school girl: “How did you like the play last night, dear?” “It was delightful,” she answered. “Even if one didn’t care for the star's acting, one couldn't help admiring her laces “That reminds me of a good new young man bi laces, what is the difference bet the king of ma de- oke forth “S| lay in a law suit and the attainment of a graceful fem pre ree dings an figure. the other is a pro of stays. Ain't that a good on One is a stay of ding I know a lot more, only T make it a rule never to tell them, unless t sat thi on fon. young m not av ng. but 1 » betw ma with a bass v en you 4 “That must be giv su sw F yo ¥ good t right into the conve id the doa large hand at that sort What is the diffe ne one. 1 e it up. Ww Balaam’s ass for the fact that n't xpected say u'll have to em re whe there is any more er or or whether it ev 2undrum. -eople looked horrified; all but the new ung man Je smiled patronizingly at the congress- » thin little embarrass but don’t be discouraged. 4 to get rat- | tled like that myself once in a while, when 1 was first start Melane He sits in silent sa Apart from other men, heeds the spring-time gladness Nor birds that trill again. Th> bitte within him Mas ee very smile. Joy vainly seeks to win him. His whe About him thrones are All trembling S out of style. aking, Of peoples who are breaking Away from cvstoms dead He thinks on mar jection But for 2 little while Then comes the old retle His wheel is out of sts Farth’s economic queries Just now he lets alor His mind it sadly wear Aiter en di or ple: 1 The His wheel is out of style “Oh, what” “A p By him th In nature’ His mind O’er continent an But he fee thought to sant h ry recurring ey "tis oft of work ies S own. nnot sever beguile er recited. Ss man! faults are righted n h ighty plan. domin isle jon. ion His wheel is cut of style Long Sexst From the Kansas City > sof Congress. Journal Attention has been called to the fact that the sessions of Congress in war time have not been more protracted than in time of peace. The Thirty-eighth Congress ext ed from December, 1 to March, durt period of ve importenc> i tional a but its two sessions ext ed over only 20 lays, sion f of the first Cleve! whereas tne Fiftieth Ween ISST aud INS and ad- boat.’ The young man looked at him with | Dinistration— was in. session 412 days, haughty indignation. “Will you answer my ugn nO matters of urgent national im- Sea eget ee ode It is not) poriance came up for the consideration of my duty reply to insults,” was his onl. its members. The obvious explanation of remark. Then his superior got more angry eiparent paresox is Sher te dence Ot than ever and exclaimed: “You'll answer | R prekll Reg ealalhein tact. poneuagitly, eyniae= any questions I ask you; that is, if you iods of public peace they’ are in- desire to continue to float in this flotilla. | thnca to argue anc « irc digit I want te know without arny of this ma- | inv"Gpon, qucstions Which do not requive soos pS n by trying | immediate action, to carry a cargo of diving bells Into a feb.” Eee eee ‘It was your 0} gestion,’ the young eee = man returned, biting his lips in hely The Telegrapher’s Ear, resentment. ‘You repeated in my hear- | From the St. Louis Post-Dispatch. ing cine eae aeration: chee pers Ost ee | abe eenee of Seeking ie 8 vel in the would surrender they would go to the bot- e ae Se nian tom of the sea, so I prepared for the emer- ! modern telegraph operator to an mee i . gency, and gave you credit—mistakenly, it | degree, owing to his use of the typewrit appears—for having invented a brand-new | in work. In former years, when stroke of strategy “That, gentlemen,” the imaginative man concluded, “was the exact conversation, amd I leave you to draw your own infer- ences.” * * * Serenity. It took a very short time to ascertain that the new young man had set out to be the life of the table. He had evidently real books in which table chat is represented as something kaleidoscopic and thrilling, and he was out to furnish his full quota of glit- ter. He beamed around the table once or twice and then tucked his napkin under his chin. He had met only one or two of the people, but he did not care. He was neith- er proud nor selfish and talked loudly enough to give everybody the benefit of what he had to say. He was determined not to let the Conversation get on without him, and he was never baffled by missing links in his chain of thought. ‘The member of Congress, with a bas~ voice and a big mustache, said to the el- derly lady next him: “It's rather cool this evening, isn’t it?” “By. the way,” exclaimed the young man before she had time to reply, “that reminds me. Speaking of cool, you know there isn’t anybody cooler than a lawyer. And speak- ing of lawyers, what is the difference be- tween one of them and a burglar who has just discovered a tool with which to cut the bars of his cell. It takes a little while to say it, but it’s so clever that it’s worth the time. You see, one files a notice and the other notices a file. Turning to the member of Congress, the elderly jady said that it was rather cool. “I hove it hasn’t killed all the peaches.” said the man who has a moderate income and does nothing except take waiks and soul ind—that while in the must distinguish between the sharp clicks of the tickor and the almost similer rattle Be stomed to only one f the telegraph instrument— days of the copying machine. old ope-ator, the serse of hi with pen or pencil, his kind of f the typewriters he According to an ‘ing seon be comes so developed that the distinction is easily made. With a little experience in the use of the typewriter along with the telegraph instrument the operator co ages to notice any similarity of the sounds.