Evening Star Newspaper, January 16, 1897, Page 14

‘THE EVENING STAR, SATURDAY, JANUARY 16, 1897-24 PAGES, In of the large private art collec- tions is a picture by one of the great mod- ern masters which has occasioned consider- able dispute. A party of ladies and gen- tlemen were looking at the picture, when one said “It must have been intended to represent one a@ morning ne at the waning of the moon.” Yh, no,” said another, “it is an evening . Showing the new moon." ‘Then the artist has made a mistake,” said the first speaker. for he nas made the bow of the moon to the left instead of to the right.” Then there was seme whether tne new moon w contention as to or seen with the bow to the left, hke this, (, or whether it was alws to the right, like thi: It Was not settied, although the gentleman who first cailed attention to the moon in the picture maintained he was correct. Recently one of t published a poem entitled “Evening,” the artist who made the picture to e the poem placed the moon with ihe how to the left. Now, did any one ever the | new moon in that position? xe * * One of the problems of statesmanship, as exhibited in Washington, has ever been to catch the flitting constituent as he halts for a time in Washington. Congressmen appear to think that if they -an only se- cure the good will of all the voters from their respective districts who visit Wash- ington they will be sure,of a seturn. Such is not always the result of their efforts. Once upon a time there was a wealthy senator here who kept his watchers about the hot and paid them a sta’ sum for every constituent they wauld bring to but he served for only one term, lituents having apparently decided to grant him the pri them from day to day in bulk and without charge. the only perquisite left to the di of the average senator or repre: » is the card of admission to the ga of the hoi and it is not always an easy matter to get these to the | visitor whom it is desirable to reach. A -w York member has adop'ed the entire- ly novel expedient of putting these cards | into the hands of every man from his dis- | trict who reaches Washington. He keeps | constantly a scpply of these ned and | made out, good for two w and a cor- responding number of envelopes with his beidly franked upon them. He ely the personal and hotel ar- | mns of the Washington papers | keeps his eyes and cars news of arrivals from home. He | no sooner becomes aware of the pre ituent than he drops ev pening doors of the » House to him. The system is | id to be workin: a charm. ‘The vis- is naturally delighted to receive atte with | bestowed em gives to the attend- home vastly pie attention tion, and himself a upon him signs k rose bush down at} 2 beneficent influence k as far| were first discovered by a visiting | of Washin: foster daughier, wno, it is said, brought her timid lover to! the point throvgh the presentation of a Yeautiful white rose from the charmed| piant. | Mr. agement vouches for it that none of the| efficacy of the flower has been lost through | the lapse of time, and his romance concern- ing it is of very recent date. | It appears that last spring a party of vis- | ftors were being shown over the historic; grounds, and when in the course of the| tour the white rose tree was reached the usual charming tale of its power as a love} fortifir was told. There was among the! group a dainty maiden, who lstened with | shining eyes to the recital, and, at its close, asked with great earnestness for the sofi- tary bud that grew upon it. In presenting | it there was only one stipulation made, and | that was that a report of its misston be | on. a few days ago in the} ing cards of the young} 1 gi accompanying note to Mr. Whelan certifying that on giving it to her | lover she related old-time story, and he, | iad been shy before, became a bold ardent wooer, and the wedding bells at Christmas. * * Whelan of the Mount Vernon man-} * + + in town who knows a good deal ne affairs of the heart is the grip- the lat about man on A few him I slowe right of one, a car over from Georgetown. mee as I came over with nat at a certain crossing he peered sly to the rack as though expecting some sno signal came and no anxio ger ap i muttered as he continu his r That's too bad; IF hope they { havent had a quarrel.” Who's had a quarrel?” queried the in- Quisitive instinct. The young fellow that s on here every Tuesday and Friday night, just in time to catch the Baltimore train. he’s been coming over here last two years and I am always on the lookout for him at this corner on those i when he don’t come something's Last April they had a disturbance ever hey birthday present, afra You see steady for the 1 and now I am| here is a rumpus about the Chri: mas gift. Well, it can’t be helped, I sux pese: but that’s a nice chap and I'd like to havea c © tell the lady that he won't stand much more fooling.” “I know all the signs, for we call this the lovers’ car, and I keep my eyes open for the poor things and help them along when I get a chance. That last young fellow trat got off at 2ist street is going to be married next week, and I carry him back every night, and I have watched that man over in the corner, who goes with me as far as 15th street, grow thin over his love worry. He's got it very bad, and three times a week he makes the trip with me, and always has either a box of candy or a bunch of flowers for his sweetheart. I made up my mind from that that she’s a good old-fashioned flirt, and the man that gets her has got to work for her. “Sometimes they get on looking gay as birds, chuckling to themselves about that last one at the door and all out of breath from running so as not to be left, and then another night I'll see them standing on the corner a long way off, and when they get aboard I don’t have to hear them say ‘I'm | hauling coal | over end picked | known. y trolley tonight’ to know there is a “plock’ somewhere. + * ke General Miles wears many decorations, but he values his Grand Army badge above all the others. Even when dressed in full regimentals, with his handsome yellow h spread over his broad shoulders and wound about his capacious waist, his G. A. R. badge, with its faded flag and bronze star and eagle, is very much in evidence. He wears it oddly and conspicuously, too. the rules of the order demand that it be worn on the left breast over the heart, but General Miles wears it as old-world decora- tions are often worn, at the throat, where the closely buttoned coat meets under the chin. * ee OK * Fifty years ago coal was not sold in Washington, and such a thing naturally what we call a coal yard was unknown,” said Mr. Thomas W. Riley, the owner of Riley's wharf, at the foot of 11th street. “My fathe he continued, “started the first cecal yard in this city. There were ther no stoves which could burn coal, and fires were made of wood exclusively. After a while coal-burning stoves were offered for sale, and it was not long before they were generally adopted. The new stove was less troublesome and less annoying than the wood stove. It mattered not how well wood stoves were made, they would smoke at times. The great trouble, how- ev wus the necessity of frequent filling up, for even the hardest wood would not last long. After persons once used coal they seldom gave it up, and they could not if they wanted to, unless they changed the stoves. I have, therefore, seen the coal busine grow up from nothing to what it is here today, where hundreds and hun- dreds of tons of coal are burned each day. For a long time some people tried to burn cozl in stoves made for wood. They had but poor success, and in the end had to do away with wvod stoves altogether and get stoves made with grates in them. “The latrobe ve. or Baltimore heater, as it was called, was invented by Gen. La- trobe, the engineer of the Baltimore and Ohio railroad, and the father of Ferdinand Latrobe, who for many terms served as mayor of Baltimor It did a great deal to make the use of coal popular. There are now cver twenty different kinds of la- trobes, thcugh they are all planned on the same principle. Furnaces, of course, came after the adoption of coal. In former days, as many old residents remember, every room in the house had its own stove, and it kept one person busy cutting the wood ard feeding the stoves. In those days, thovgh, the rooms were kept warm enough in a way, such a thing as heating the halls of a house was never dreamed of, though every one desired it. In early days all coal came by vessel, and the trains of cars rect from the mines, as is now done, was not even thought of. Steam heating is of very modern origin, and though it had a great run for some years, ftrnaces again are in the lead, as far as numbers are concerned.” * ek eK OK “There may be luck in horse shoes, and I believe that nine out of every ten persons think so, but personally I have considera- ble doubt,” remarked the chief clerk of one of the departments. “My experience has been that something else than horse shoes is needed to make you a winner. I remem- ber the day I received my appointment to the position I now hold. There were sev- ‘al cthers who were and still are clerks in the same room with me, who were appli- ts for the promotion I received. Our competitic fer the promotion was a friendly en Each of us did all w in the way of securing all the influence that we thought would help us. Finally the day arrived when the appointment was to be made. “It happened while on my Way to the de- | Par:ment that morning I met two of m rivals. We jcked each other considerably about the contest, for each of us hoped to be a winner. As We reached the corner of th street and Pennsylvania avenue the ntleman v.lo was nearest the curb no- a horse shoe on the concrete. He ran it up, with the remark, ‘That settles the matter in my favor,’ and mentally I really thought it did, though I did not say so. In two hours afterward the promotion came down, and my name was cn the paper. In less than six months I Fad the disagreeable duty to perform 07 handing a clerk his discharge. The fellow, personally, was very popula", but as a clerk he fell very far short. I asked a couple of the clerks to tak: the yellow en- velope to him, but they Legged to be ex- cused. The poor fellow was rather sur- prised and terribly put out, but there was | no way by which I could change tne de- cision, for the department insisted on his removal, and for causes that were wcll As he was gathering up his per- sonal property in his desk, he found that he had seven horse shoes which he had picked up from time to time and placed there. He was a believer in luck, but the horse shces did not save him.” : eK KK “The recent horse show in New York,” said a liveryman, “has brought out many rew things in our business, among which are some novel changes in liveries, several examples of which are already noticeable in turnouts. The neatest thing that I have noticed so far is the wearing of the mono- grams or coat-of-arms of the owners of the turnouts on the sleeves of the coats. The driver wears the monogram of the owner of the carriage on his right arm, while the foetman similarly decorates his left arm. ‘The monograms can, therefore, be seen from either side. This idea grew out of the custom of the jockeys on the race wearing their numbers on their It is decidedly horsey, and, there- fore, proper, for everything that is hors soes these days, for the annual horse shows have made such fads fashionable. Speaking of carriage outfits, there was never anything so odd as the way in which the Russian minister during s first term, had his carriage le appear. The driver was gotten up -mi-military manner, but the footman s attired in full military uniform. He carried a sword, and after he opened the door of the carriage and let his people out, he stood on guard at the door of the car- riage with a drawn sword. A part of his duties was to lift the trail of the skirts of the ladies who rode with him from the car- riage door up to the door of the house where they entered, and to perform a sim- lar duty when they returned to the car- riage. I remember also to have seen foot- men during Buchanan's administration rid- ing standing on a shelf fixed in the rear of the carriage. They gave a carriage a much grander appearance than when the driver and footman ride side by side on the box. Secretary Fisk, who was Secretary of State in Gen. Grant's cabinet, had one of these traps, but he used it but little, for the style was changing about that time. a Nature Getting Imitative. From the Chicago Record. “Anything new in art, Mr. Slapdash?* “Yes. We are having sunrises this winter exactly like those in my posters.” es A Pertinent Query. From the Cincianati Tribune, ‘What is his profession?” “He is a poet and artist.” “U—um. What does he do for a living?” SOME COLD WEATHER. Stories Which Some Army Officer: Tell About the Northwent. s “No, I didn’t,” protested the Heutenant at the Army and Navy Club. “Didn’t what?” inquired a captain com- ing in with a frosty sheen on his rich, dark whiskers. “Why, these fellows here say I sald the cold was so intense out in the northwest one winter that I saw the candle flames freeze stiff, and the farmers sold them for strawberries.” “Didn't you say it kindly. “No, sir; I did not.” “Then I'll say for you, sir. It hapepned when I was out there twenty years ago, and then again when I was there three years ago. That same winter one of my men wes frozen to death in a peculiar man- ner. I was going to send him ten miles to the railroad station and the day being sharper than usual I gave him a big drink of some whisky I had in my tent. He took a tremendous long dram and started away. A half hour later I remembered it was St. Louis whisky and at once feared the worst and sent our surgeon after him. But alas, it was too late. A post-mortem examina- tion showed that the whisky was frozen sclid, thus causing death. “How sad,” sighed a retired colonel, who had had years of experience in the north- west, wiping his eyes. “I almost had an even more dire disaster than that happen to my whole force on one occasion. I was a lieutenant at the time, and Was out with ten men on a scouting expedition in Janu- ary. We were on the way back and had reached a point not far from the post where some planks had been piled up with which to build a shack as soon as spring opened. We were not more than twenty miles from the post, and went into camp, so as to get a good early start in the morning and reach home before dark. We used the planks for extra shelter, because it was bit- ter cold and getting colder every minute, with indications of a blizzard. At the first streak of day the wind was blowing a gale, and by the time it was light there was a hurricane and the boards were flying every which way. Tents couldn't stand it at ail and had gone long ago, and it looked very much as if the whole squad would be frozen right there. If we could have built a hut of the boards we might have stood a chance. but there wasn’t a nail within twenty miles of us, and the only hammers we had were our bayonets. Necessity, how- ever, is the mother of invention, and during a lull in the storm I noticed some sharp little icicles on some roots under a shel- tered bank, a foot or so above the little stream that ran by. At once I got one of them, and taking the hilt of my sword for a hammer I found I could drive it into the plank. “‘Saved!’ I yelled, and at once gave the command for all hands to hustle those planks together while the lull lasted and to gather in all the icicles obtainable and nail the boards up with them. The men thought I was crazy for a minute, but only for a minute, and then with a hurrah they went for planks, icicles and bayonets, and in fifteen or twenty minutes we had nailed to- gether a shack three or four feet high so the wind couldn’t strike it so hard, and wide enough for all of us. We got into it just in time. for presently the storm came again, and it was something terrific. Twenty-four hours later it seemed quiet outside and I made an investigation and discovered that we were under about six feet of snow, but were all right. as the wind had fallen and the sky was clear, though it was intensely cold. We got out at once, and, after a terrific day’s march,we reached the post. Four weeks later I went back to our camp, Salvgtion Camp we called it, and found that those icicles were still frozen so hard that they held the shack together ful- ly as well as nails of the same size would have done. Nobody after that said a word—words seemed so inadequate. -———— A WOMAN'S OBSERVATION. inquired the captain, Methods Adopted by Men Who Ex- pectorate in Street Cars. It was on a Georgetown car, coming down the avenue from the Capitol. A stylish young matron and her friend were discussing some subject in a very ani- mated manner, when the young matron, stopping suddenly, gazed intently at a well-dressed man sitting opposite her. Then she opened the tiny tablets in the back of her card case and began to jot down something. “My dear Mrs. A., what on earth are you doing?” queried her friend. “Have you taken up literature, and given to catching ideas on the fly?” “Oh, dear, no!” was the laughing re- Joinder. “I have a new fad. I am making notes of the various places that a man finds to spit. Not a desirable-fad, but one that fascinates with its ugliness and that ramifies, I find. Now that man,” speak- ing gravely, as though diagnosing his ca- daver, and ‘regardless of the fact that he could hear perfectly well all that she was saying, “that man is well dressed, and evi- dently has some breeding, for he is ashamed to spit on the floor of the car, right in front of us; so he is making a cus- pidor of the opening in the back of the seat where the window slides down when opened. Now, that is a perfectly new idea. “Yesterday I was on the F street line, and a youth who was evidently just learn- ing to chew nearly broke his back trying to spit between his legs into the heater grating under the seat. He gave it up at last and took the quid out of his mouth and poked it into his pocket.” ae Sia PAST THE DOORKEEPERS. How Two Little Children Went on the House Floor. ‘The cherubic insistence of childhood, and its utter indifference to established forms and customs, was strikingly illustrated at the Capitol Monday. Two little tots aged about four and six, were trotting around after some ladies, and in the crowd got separated from their natural protectors. The children paused in front of the north entrance to the House and looked in through the doors as they swung back and forth, then one said, “Maybe auntie went in there,” and made a break for the door. Four pairs of hands reached for the young- sters, all belonging to as many agile door- keepers, but the little ones flew past, and all but tripped up a long-legged representa- tive who was just ahead of them. He stop- ped iri the door, and began to remonstrate with them, but with childish impatience they tried to push him aside, and not be- ing able to do so, thrust their small heads between his legs, one after the other, and scooted in on to the floor. The tall legisla- tor paused aghast at the intrusion, and was just about to let the door close when the two small maids came rushing pell mell back again, slid between his legs out into the corridor. “Ain't nobody but just men in there,” re- marked one; “auntie must a gone the other way,” and into the crowd they ran. ——— Treated Like Dogs. From the Chicago Post. “As a matter of fact,” he said, reflect- ively, “it is only recently that men have begun to treat their wives like dogs.” ‘You astonish m she exclaimed. “I did not suppose such a thing was possible under the conditions of elvilization.” “It is civilization that makes it possible,” he replied, shortly. “Then gil that I have read upon the sub- ject in history must be wrong,” she as- serted. “On the contrary, history is right.” “But all that I have seen is to the effect that men treat their wives better now than ever before.” Unquestionably. But there never was a time when they did not treat their dogs well.” AN OPTICAL DELUSION; Or, How Hans Frightened Min: WHEN HE MARRIED AGAIN. Nothing Too Good for His Wife Until He Heard! the Price. “I had rather a qgeer experience in De- cember last,” remarked the drummer for a Boston fur heuse, ttwith a customer of a friend of minéin ‘West Virginia. I don’t go to small tojns js a rule, and as for country stores, I have nothing whatever to do with them, of course.” The drummér fora shoe house, who struck everything that had a sign up, showed a disposition to want to jump on the superior airs of the Boston potentate in furs, but refrained. “I was in Charleston, which is the capl- tal of the state,” continued the drummer, “and a friend.ef mime in the grocery line had to go in a wagen about forty miles on a circuit to visit four or five of his cus- tomers, and he took me along for com- pany. At the most remote point we reached an old chap had a general store. He had only recently married again, and his wife was quite a showy girl. After my friend had finished with the old fellow and we had taken dinner with him, he called me to one side for a private talk. “‘I reckon,’ he said, ‘that you air in the hide and pelt business, ain't you?’ ‘I'm in furs,” said I, a lttle stiff. ‘It’s purty much the same thing, IT reckon. Leastways, we won't quarrel. What I want to git is a sealskin shaw] fer my wife. She's a good-looker, ain't she?’ “ ‘Quite a handsome lady,” I responded, sincerely, for she was, for a mountain wo- man, a good deal better looking than the average. ‘In course she is, and I want her to wear good clos accordin’. I never seen a sealskin shawl, but I reckon frum what I've heerd that they ain't anything fittin'er fer a good-lookin’ woman to wear.’ “*A sealskin sacque is really a beautiful garment,’ I admitted, ‘and I'd be glad to Sell you one for your’ wife.’ “‘An’ I'm mighty anxious to buy one. Price ain't nothin’ in a case like this. What's one wuth?’ “Well, I can sell you something that would make a fine wedding present for $150. “He jumped away from me as if I had pulled a gun on him. ““Geerooshy!” he’ ejaculated; ‘not a hun- dred and fifty dollars, you don’t mean?’ “‘Exactly, and there are some worth three or four times as much.’ “For a minute he stood rubbing his chin as if making a profound mental calculation, then he drew up close and almost whis- pered to me. “““Say,’ he said, ‘don’t say anything about my wantin’ that shawl, will you? You see, three yoke of steers ain’t wuth as much as that dern sealskin shawl, and I'll be dob- bobbed ef I kin afford to have my wife wearin’ three yoke uv steers around here, I don’t keer how purty she is.’ “I agreed to silence,” concluded the drum- mer, “but I told my traveling companion about it as soon as we got out of sight of the old fellow and his new wife.” ——__ BROSIUS’ EXPERI When He Attended a Woman's Polit- ical Meeting in Nebraska, Representative Brosius of Pennsylvania rather inclines to the belief that women in politics, like civil service reform, have come to stay, since his campaigning trip through the west last summer. It is really laughable to hear him tell of his first in- troduction to a woman's political meeting. It was in a Nebraska town. He had spoken at a big open air meeting in the afternoon, and had gone to his hotel for much needed rest, when he was called upon by a committee of ladies and invited to address a meeting in the court house in the evening, which, he was informed, was to be held under the auspices of the Ladies’ McKiniey Club. Of course that was an honor that-a man of Mr. Brosius’ known gallantry toward the gentler sex could scarcely decline, even if he never got any rest. “Really,” lcosays, “I went to the court house ¢ med with curiosity to know how ladies would go about conducting a political mass meeting, a thing unheard of in the east. J found a large audience, about equally divided as to sex, and divid ed as to sheep and goats by the main aisle, the men on gone side, the ladies on the other, like an old-time Quaker mecting, and a lady in the chair. She greeted me with all the urbanity: imaginable, and at the proper time rose and called the meet- ing to order, and asked for nominations for chairman of the evening. But one name was presented, that of a prominent lady in the community, who was elected by ac- clamation. After some ‘graceful _ prelimi- nary remarks, Mrs. President called upon the chairmen of the ward committees for reports. There were three wards in the town, and the ladies submitted reports showing that many new members had very gladly signed the roll of the club, and given of their wealth to help along the cause of republicanism, and the total membership was shown to be nearly three hundred. ‘The business was dispatched as calmly and expeditiously as though those women had been doing just that thing for one hun- dred years. Then Mrs. President, in a few and exceedingly felicitous remarks, intro- duced me to the audience, which was as re- sponsive to every shade of thought present- ed as though the lady leaders had break- fasted, dined and supped on polities since time began. It was a grand audience, dis- criminating and demonstrative as a speaker could possibly wish. In all my campaign- ing I met no body of men who could do any better than that woman's McKinley club in arranging and carrying on a po- litical meeting. SS A MATTER OF CHOICE. * A Youth Who Had a Preference and Risked His Life on It. A Capitol Hill man has a son about twenty years old, and the young fellow is very nearly a chip off of the old block. Not long ago—that is to say, during the Christmas holidays—the son went to visit friends and relatives among the snow-clad hills of Vermont, and, of course, while there put in as much of his time in a sleigh as he could, because he knew the Wash- ington climate was not conducive to that sort of amusement, and he wouldn't have another chance. Perhaps it is needless to remark that whenever he went sleighing he took with him one of those pretty, pink-cheeked girls, for which Vermont is justly famous. And as far as possible a new one every time. Such is man at twenty—and later. The pitcher cannot be taken to the well too often unless it become broken, and it happened in the case of the Capitol Hill laddie that on one of his trips his horse ran away with him, and not being the most expert driver in the world he was almost at the mercy of the frightened animal. For a mile or more he managed to keep the horse in the road, but beyond was a hill and a stream with a narrow bridge over it, just at a turn in the road, which could only be taken at a slower pace. The girl called his attention to this and nervously suggest- ed that they jump out, but he wouldn't have it so, and assured her that he would be responsible. That sounded well, but when they ap- proached the «urn, the horse would not stay in the road, and dropping the lines the young fellow grabbed the girl and waited for thevend,) whatever it might be. In a minute more the entire combination flew the track) and-lit in a snow bank twenty feet déep. Seme people who saw the accident fished rthem all out, and for @ wonder nobddy. wits much hurt, though the sleigh was siamaged. When the yoitth’s father heard the story, he was indignamt. 1 “Why, you youngjack,” he exclaimed, “what in thunder did yqu drop those lines for? You might have known what would have happened” 10" “Well, pop,’s\he seplied sheepishly, “I couldn’t hold the horse and I could hold the girl, and what ¢lse was there to do?’ CE. Knew,It Was Unusual. From the Bay City’ Onat:’ Husband (at supper)—“Can’t you give me a@napkin? I haven’t had one for'a week.” Wife—“Why, I remember giving you one yesterday, just before you said grace.” Bobby (who has just returned from a week's visit)—‘Oh, ma, was the minister here yesterday?” —___—__-o-___ An Inquiring Mind. From the New York Weekly. Bangs—From the west, eh?’ “Yes, sir; from Chicago.” : “Ah, indeed! I spent several months in Chicago, Been there:long?” een atte I am. member of the city council.” Ps “You t so? What street is arent oe ee y PHILANDER. JOHNSON» A Wife to the Rexc “Josia There was a sharpness in Mrs. Corntos- sel’s tone which caused her husband to in- terrupt his dinner with far more prompt- ness than elegance. When the clatter had subsided, he exclaimed: “Mandy, whut under the canopy is the matter weth yer? Ye ain't seen a ghost, hev ye?” set been shocked. Every oncet in a while ye hev suthin’ ter say ter me about the world movin’ an’ me not movin’ weth it an’ ye kinder had me lookin’ up ter ye ez a reg'lar pentagon of politeness. I'm used ter discpp'intments, but I must say thet this one goes especially hard.” “iz long ez ye insist on preachin’,” was the rather sulky rejoinder, “ye might ez well take the trouble ter let me know whut the text is.” “Ye et weth yer knife!” “Lan’ sakes! Anybody ’d a’ thought by yer carryin’s-cn thet I was usin’ a suck 0° dynamite ter drive carpet tacks!” “There's different kinds o’ resks, an’ you’ve been runnin’ one o’ the wust 0’ them.” 5 “But, Mendy, be reasonable. Ye didn’t hev ter put no Hawkshaw on my trail ter find out I et weth my knife. 1 et in yer presence before we wus married, an’ I didn’t wear no beard nor mustache ter de- celve ye.” “Times keeps a-changin’. Here you keep a-subscribin’ ter a daily paper an’ two magazines an’ yit ye don’t pay no ‘tention ter whut's goin’ on.” “Ef ye mean thet I don’t bend my intel- lect ter studyin’ up who leads the germans an’ all the gossip an’ the four hunderd felderol, I don’t make no denial.” “Yes, indeed. You're busy readin’ "bout the treasury an’ the cabinet an’ them there editorials. Yer're payin’ ten er twelve dol- lars a year jes’ ter read ‘down weth the trusts’ in every issue. I reckon ef one of them editors wus ter git out a paper an’ fergit ter hev ‘down weth the trusts’ into it, ye'd stop yer suscription. Take my ad- yee, Josiar, an’ change yer mind about the trip ter town ye wus thinkin’ about. home’ an’ spend all the spare time ye kil git on things I'll pick out fur ye ter read. “Mandy, there ain't no doubt thet ye've got su’thing on yer mind, an’ that it sets heavy. But fur the life 0’ me I can’t see whut it’s all got ter do weth me eatin’ weth my knife.” “Of course ye don't. That's what shows ye ain't keepin’ up weth the percession. You're jes’ frolickin’ on the brink o’ disaster like a calf cn the read ter market. Et it warn't fur yer wife, ye'd a’ put on a white shirt an’ broke inter town in total igno- rance of the way them New Yorkers hez been tuck up by the police an’ gitiin’ their picters inter the paper, simply because they didn’t know how ter behave proper at the dinner table! * % x A Social Problem, An extensive ay of substantially bound beoks indicated the studious nature of the friend whom Willie Wishington had dropped in to s “Hello!” he exclaimed as he glanced at an open volume on the table, “you've been reading again!” “Ye: You do that sort of thing every once in a while, den’t you?” “Most of the time that I can spare from my busin is spent in that manner.” “I sup) a fellow gets so he really en- joys it in the course of time. Every once in a while I'm tempted to try it myself. Of course I read a great many novels and books of that kind. But one doesn’t derive any real bet efit from them.” ‘Not as a rule. What you ought to do is to devote yourself to reading that wall give you some ideas of life and its reali- ties; something that will afford you sug- gestions in shaping ycur own career; that will assist you attaining a desirable re- lationship to your fellow man. “That's it,” was the enthusiastic re- jJoinder. “That's the kind of a book I’ve been lookirg for. What's the name of that one on the table? “Social Problems.’ "” “I guess that’s the thing I yearning for all this tim read it through, have you “No. I have just begun with it.” “Well, I wish you'd do a friendly act and keep me in mind as you go along from chapter to chapter.” “You want me to hurry up and lend it to you No. I won't undertake to read it all the way through. But the title of that book shines out like a beacon of hope to a man who was drifting on the rocks of despair. What I want to know is how to make a glass of weak punch and a re- ception wafer serve as a reliable substitute for the square meal I would have had if 1 hadn't paid cash for a carriage and a boutenniere. If you come acress the an- swer to that social problem I want you to mark it“so that I can learn it by heart.” * * * The Agricultural Report. “I take, Dear Secketary, my most hum- ble pen in hand Ter let ye know thet I am well and glad ter onderstand Thet, spite of all te various complica- tions thet hev came In politics an’ otherwise, ye’re feelin’ much the same. I hev read weth deep attention all the things ye had ter say On agriculture up ter date, an’ how ter take it pay, Though I can’t change my opinion, by the facks thet you've displayed; Farmin’s fine ez a_perfession, tryin’ ez a trade. Yer picters an’ yer diagrams hez helped me onderstand ‘Thet this fertilizin’ bus’ness is a science deep an’ grand, An’ I’ve had the greatest pleasure readin’ carefully an’ slow Yer lucid explanation of a lot I'm glad ter know; “4 In gittin’ interduced ter all the critters, ‘small an’ great, Thet keeps our yearly prospecks in this bere onsettled state. I can’t begin ter tell ye jes’ how much yer bocks is worth; Each is better than a ticket ter the great- est show on earth. I kev found ’em all amusin’ an’ instructive, through an’ through, An’ what's greatly ter yer credit, they are strickly moral, too. have been You haven't but it's It somehow puts yer self-respeck in ruther better shape know thet it's phylloxera grawin’ at the grape, ye like ter teli a neighbor when ye ketch him unawa) Ter thet's An’ Thet Bacillus Amalovorus plays havoc weth the pears. Weth critters, ez weth men, I note, it's very much the same; The smallest an’ the peskiest often gits the biggest name. I've stocd the caterpillars an’ the moths, weth all their tricks, But I'm riled now thet I hear ‘em christ- ened “Thyridopterix” I ain't a goin’ ter stanc ‘em when they come—I'll state it flat, Weth ‘orgyia leucostigma’ and sech aliases ez that. I reckon thet a lot more folks ’ud git ter work than does, Ef they orly realized how bad their trou- bles really wuz. There is one remark I'd venture—an’ I hope it won't be took Ez an effort fur ter make a criticism of yer bovk, But I wish ye'd write a chapter, su’thin’ vigorous an’ clear On the germ that’s played the mischief weth so many farms out here. We've bad some fust-rate fellers seemed like ter git a start, But their barns an’ fences threatens fur ter quit an’ fall apart. Instead cf givin’ mortgages, recordin’ deeds, Ef the corn an’ oats an’ ‘taters wuz ez active ez the weeds. They often gits tergether an’ the talkin’ never stops, But none of it’s pertainin’ ter the chance of raisin’ crops; It’s all about their “influence,” an’ of ‘the perty’s vote,’ An’ ‘republics is ongrateful’ is a phrase I often note. ‘They're mostly writin’ letters, too, ez often ez they can, Thovgh one says he’s a-waitin’ fur the Place ter seek the man. Now I think it stan s ter reascn thet if, ez you say, whut brings The most of these distempers is bacilluses an’ things, Perkaps when you investigate the subjeck, you will find That su’thin’ somewhat sim'lar gits inside the average mind. done all else ye undertook, so thor- oughiy an’ good Thet I wish ye'd ¢: these fellers—ef ye tried I know ye could— Some awful, double-barreled, strickly sci- entific term Tvet'll wake "em to the terrors of the of- fice-seekin’ germ.” * ok * An Altered Destiny. The glories of the new library had evidently made a profound impressior on the young man with a curiy mustache, a slouch hat and a glossy overcoat. thet they'd be Ye've “Thi he said, with a delit and carefully considered enuniation, intended to be a temple of magni reared in honor of literary “That's the idea,” replied the pa who was aged on some fresco work. “It's an impesing structure; a thing of beauty throughout.” the painter, with a touch of professional pride that was, perhaps, par- donable; “‘we think we have made a Pp neat job of it. “It has exercised a great influ my career. In fact, I may say it has w altered my intentions for the future.” ou mean it has inspired ua with en- nobling thoughts and awakened you toa higher conception of duty. It affects a great many people that way.” “No; I don't mean anything of the kind. All this sculpiure and painting is to beauti- fy the resting place of thousands upon thousands of books. Their covers ¥1ll look out upon the most delicate workma. ia that the hand of art can prodace. “That's the intention.” “Do you realize, sir, that some of the men who wrote works which will be among the choicest treasures of this place were often without the price of a ham sandwich and a mug of buttermilk? Has it ever oc- curred to you that many of them have walked the streets because they hadu’t any place to sleep? Do you realize that the pens which traced the words to be here so magnificently enshrined were in many cases held by fingers numb with cold? That some of the authors would be made to go out and wipe their feet on the at before they could get in if they could ap- pear as they were when they composed their masterpieces?” “I hadn't thought of guess it’s a fact.” “I am glad that I mae this visit—exceed- ingly glad. It has given me a suggestion that I wouldn’t have missed for the world.” “What is it?” “I am going to abandon the real of years and belmve like a sensibie being. Up to three-quarters of an hour ago I fully i tended to be a genius myself. Now I bave resolved to let the books I had pianned take care of themselves and apply my energies to getting a job as nigat-watch- man in this building, so that I can derive some personal benefit from it.” * * * A Valentine Difficulty. Oh, deeme it net a fond deceit, An affectacioun in my song, When thus I turn the muse’s feete To paths that bin neglected long. But Cupid’s a full aged wight, Discover-ed in olden tyme, And in his honor, ’twere polite To speke in an archaic -hyme. So, should I thus extolle her charme, In veritye, "twould be no harme. it before, but I But 'tis not this that guides the penne And causes him to molde his phrase In formes eschewed by ballade-men, Who modernelye attune their !ayes. Ak, when I seke with brave intente To swetely carol, comme il faut, I fynde my efforts, so wel meante, Quite unrewarded Ijke to go. F faith, I love my love so wel, That I forgette the waye to spel. * ** Am Indignant Wheelwoman. Mr. Dolan had no need for his latchkey. His wife opened the door for him with a| get Promptness which showed she had been watching for him at the window “Dinny, dear,” said she, “there's no toime loike the prisint “Not whin it’s you that chooses ty make the prisint loively, darlint,” replied her husband. “Is supper ready, I dunno?” “Business befoor p! Behind the dure in the corner ye'll foind me bichick “Paceable an’ quoit as a lamb.” “Git an it, if ye dare, an’ roide it till the shtore where ‘twas bought.” “Is it urgent?’ “Ye kin do as Oi tell ye, sind me alimony to Ballytor ine mother’s livin’ this min. as to wanst, or Athy, where ssin’s be 1 need a little patience. Moya, ¢ before ye kin shpin down ar, the avnoo as graceful » gazelle thet ye n lly wid the mac an’ Oil on't be fore the two of from a bick bi- delia MeCan) “Ye mean the woife ay McCann thot moved round the corner; the thick-set thot wears bloomers—more sinse to her ame. She cem by whoile Oi "me lesson. ‘Let's he "says she. So ( the help av hivvin an’ the perfessor, an’ as soon as she cast her eye an it she turns up wor ya look at your htepped down, wit her nose wid contimpt an’ says, “No won- p der yez don't roide aisier. It's a dr frame yez hov there.’ Then Oi saw t'roo “Go home, perfessor,’ says Oi, ‘an’ tell yer boss thot Moya Doilan's not the silly bird he tuck her for, an’ thot she'll be dropped no more.’ I brought the bichickle into the house an’ waited fur yez to come home.” ‘An’ phwat am Oi ty do?” “Ye're ty say ty the merry joker as s it to me thot he can do wan 0° two Uings take back ‘is trick mule and refund me money, or take a bruisin’ over the eye- brow If ye're a man ye'll tell ‘im those words, an’ if yere not, Oi'll load the bundle ay Wires an a push cart an tind till the job meself. Up the stairway which leads to the base- ment of the building floated a soft, tremu- lous whisper of music. The idler who heard it followed the clue of melody until he found an aged colored man, whose withered fingers caressed the strings of a banjo. His lips were slighily parted with a smile, and he looked upward with half-closed eyes. When he paused in his performance, the auditor applauded and remarked. “Having a good time all to yourself, un- cle?” ssuh. I done had er little spare time, an’ I done put it in practize-in’ “That didn’t sound much like the ordinary banjo music. “No, suh, Da’s er diff'unt kin’.” “Can't you r and break-downs? Mebbe they're too quick for an old man like yourself, “Too quick foh me? No’ndeedy. I done plean pas’ dem long ago. I's got m min’ dan he'pin’ di ung folks ah foots at er pahty. Dem dat yoh nin’ to wus hymn-chunes.” mn-tunes on a banjo?” Gone de bes’ I could,” he replied, apolo- ally. sut what gave you the idea?” > gvod book,” he answered, reverential- ‘long in y’uhs, I is, an’ when Med ter mind “t 0” gold, it ter lidn’t hab ao K I could on de hahp nohow. But I an’ whenebber I gits de hyuh an’ tetches de strings, courag: chance I com I's sho wen ! shows ‘em I ain’ hahmonies, dey’l let me “k_ some ce whah I won’ be no- an” play long wif ‘em in de way dat sed to. ——— The Right Way to Pat It, Bits. a lad for is sitting to a Parisian portrait the opera y manner, look pleasant now, > says to her, in the manner coldly if y most: nat the wor ma am to look ott , acknowledges most gracious a4 goes the came d, revealing advantage — es hy There ix None. Chicago Post. at the close of a discussion of the shortcomings of a mutual friend. “Well, there is no law against a making a fool of himself,” said the with the cigar A most fortunate thing,” an with the p! Why fortunate cigar. Because,” replied the man with t he capacity of the jails is an man returned the inquired the man wit limited.” ~ cee ing for a Snap. Kind Lady—“What eat, my poor man?” Tired Trefethen— It don’t need chew — ee. A Master of Allusi From the New York Press. “Now,” said the leader of the convivial assemblage, “let us drink to your best girl.” The host bowed suavely. “Thank 5 gentlemen,” he said; “suppose we mak would you like to ‘Soup, if you have it, it a sour mai They perceived that she had but erst- while given him the stony glare. —_ —_ +e+ —__ Not Se Slow, From the Chicago Times-Herald. Down in Ohio the other day, not very far from Cleveland, I took a carryall or “bus at a country station to ride inland a few miles. The driver, who carried the mail for Uncle Sam, was disposed to be quite communicative. “You don’t live ‘round here, he remarked, interrogatively. I s'pose? “No—not now,” I replied. Chicags “Pretty big place, ain't it?” tinued. “Yes, it's a large city,” I said. “I spose there's something goin’ on there most of the time, ain't there?” he asked. I nodded affirmatively. “Well, we ain't so darned slow down here,” he added. “Had a dance in the Hinckley Ridge school house last night, and there'll be a turkey raffie Tuesday. He Wi From Judge. Bobby had fallen into the habit, common to children, of asking for more food than he could well take care of, and his mother had resolved to cure him. So she heaped his plate with food one morning and told him he must eat it all or be spanked. The boy labored hard, but the supply too great, and at last he turned to his mother and asked in a tone of stuffy hopelessness, “Say, mamma, which would you rather do— spanked or bust?” A SHOPPING TRAGEDY.