Evening Star Newspaper, November 28, 1896, Page 14

! “I am frequently askel by amateur smokers,” said an F street dealer, “for a smoking tobacco that will rot bite the torgue. To be honest with them, I have to tell them that there is no topacco which is smoked in a pipe which will not bite the torgue, more or less. Of course, some kinds of tobacco bite more than others, but all bite some. Tobacco manufacturers strive hard to produce a combination; which does Trot bite, but they fail to fill the bill. If they make it too mild, they at the same time make it unsatisfactory, and it burns away without givirg any of the quieting effects that the weed produces, and for which it is sought. Tre general effect of a smoke is of a sedative character. In a little while, however, the biting qualities disappear and before the bag halt smcked out, there is but little ¢ int of that Kind. ‘The tongue tou y the tse of the tobacco an all there is of it. Some smokers, however, continue to be finicky about their tobacco, and keep on changing. ‘Thocgh they are never sat- isfled exactly . Some brands are more of a favorite than others.” ee ee * Mr. J. M. Barrie, the Scotch rovelist, who spent a couple of weeks in this city recent- ly, formed many pleasant impressions during his stay here and did net hesitat2 to express them to a per- | fenal friend. In speaking to one of his| friends he said: “I have learned a lot of things during my vi to this country, ant many of them are of the most pleasant €haracter. I saw considerable of home life in New York and other cities, including Weshirgton, and one thing struck me more fcrethly than I can express. That is the @cirg away with the parlor or drawing room, as we call it on the other side. I find that the people of this country have less formal ideas of what a parlor should be. I do not mean of the mansion, for there the parlor is, as it is with us, a place Wlere the ren can never enter ualess €r an ecez=ica where formalities have to be rigidly otserved. In the ry home, by this. | suppose, I mean the home of the middle. cl 1 have observed that it is mo great cri, for children to enter or even play in the parlors. to see this, for I think it Pleasure for the little ones. “The idea of having the largest and best furnished rcom in the house reserved fer infrequent callers instead of allowing the children of the household to enjoy it, Was never a pleasant one to me. It was exce told by a bright boy that he seldom Was allowed to eater the parlor of his home, unless it was during a ‘funeral cere- mony or semething like that.’ This may have described the situation too strong, bur it was much nearer to the truth than oth- What our grandfathers and grand- mothers, and fathers and mothers, ever thcugkt of when they allowed such a state cf things to exist, for it does exist even today, in many homes, is more than I can imagine. In my own home I have purpose. ly left the parlor out. In iis place we have a reception rocm, which, while it is good enough to receive even the lord mayor should he honor us with a visit, is not too geod for the chi:dren, young or old, to play or romp in. Under these circumstances one can realize how glad I was to learn that there are many persons like myself in this respect, I was very glad means much more es ** * * * For over five years the work on the frieze around the wall of the rotunda of the Capitol has been at a dead stand still,” said a neighbor of Constantine Castiginn!, the artist, who is supposed to be engaged in finishing it. “Mr. Castiginni is ready ard exceedingly anxious to complete the frieze, but is not allowed to touch it. Of course he ts busy all the time with other work, having just completed, among other things, a set of the stations of the cross for one of the fashionable Catholic church- es of New York city, but he would much rather resume work on the rotunda than anything else, although the other work pays better. The trouble has been as to what shall be painted in the remaining two spaces. The original idea was to have one of them depict the driving of the last spike of the railroad which connected the Atlantic with the Pacific and the last one to give a general idea of the center- nial exposition, which signaiized the hun- dredth year of our country. Then the war- riers broke in upon the pian. They want war and the bloodiest kind of war given a chance so that future generations will see that we could not round one such cen- tennial without fighting each other to a finish and incurring a debt that it will take us at least another hundred years to pay.” «ee kK * “Barbers do not hesitate to give their views on almost anything,” volunteered a barber who was shaving a Star reporter, “but they are always rather slack about saying much about the tricks in their own trade. As they handie a razor hundreds, and in some cases thousands, of times when the average man handles it but one time, it is not stretching it to say that they know more about them fhan others do. Lots of people would prefer to shave them- selves, but the Lord has not been good enough te them to tell them how to keep their razors in shaving condition, and they are forced to come to us. For those, how- ever, who persist in shaving themselves, I wouldn’t mind saying that the ordinary shaving lather is the best thing that I know of to brace up a razor strop. It can be kept in proper order by applying lather from the shaving cup. Put it on both sides, for it will do the canvas side as much good as it does the leather side. The lather should be put on the strop at least two hours before it is used, for It won't help the edge of a razor much unless it is dried in. To thoge who shave every day, the lather should be applied to the strop at least twice in each week. Once a weck, though, is much better than not at all, as shavers will soon find out.” eR KK * “If the diplomatic corps would only con- sent to meet every day some place and wear all their uniform and fixings, we would guarantee them a fine audience dail; explained one of the guides who lingers near the gate leading to the Execu- tive Mansion. “I have been a guide so | for most iawyers who have to earn the me to try to convince her that such an ex- hibition as she so loved and doted on did not exist in this city. The guide books do not say that the officers and diplomatic | corps constantly wear uniforms, but the average female reader gets that idea from tgem.” - oy xk eR “I have satisfied myself that the impres- sion which many have that teas improve with age is a mistake,” observed the buyer for one of the large hotels, “and I think I can demenstrate it to any one who will take the trouble to look Into it the least bit. Another thing I have found out, and that is it is economy to took at tea before buying it. There is a great deal of broken and dusty teas or tcas with dead leaves thrown upoa the market, and it is poor economy to buy them, though occasionally the a2 price oz them is somewhat reduced. that show black, infused leaves, iks that float on the surface of the in- ion, should not be purchased. They cannot be depended upon either for flavor or taste. Particular people are more par- ticular about tea than anything else served at a hotel, and I assure. you it requires that every precaution shall be taken to keep seme guests. I am somewhat cranky my- self on tea, and when I can get good tea for the same money I kave to pay for a second grade of the same tea, I prefer to &et the best at the same price.” OK KOK OK “I have heard of small fees in conse- quence of the hard times,” said a Police Ceurt lawyer, “but a thitg happened about the court one day lest week that convinced toe that times indeed were hard, and this particular fee very small. Exactly what it was is not known. This, however, is known: A colored lady was tried for a trivial offense—I do not krow whether she was fined or not. If she was fined I am serry, for people with such noble senti- ments are unfortunately very rare, too rare living by the sweat of theit Jaw around the Police Court. As the colored lady was leaving the court she remarked to her com- panion, anothér colored lady, “You sit here and wait until I return. I have to go across the street to get a dollar bill changed so that I can pay my lawyer.” * eK KK “The man with an arithmetical puzzle struck cur department also,” remarked 2 clerk in the Treasury Department, “with one like that which has nearly driven the War Department clerks wild (adding the digits from 1 to 9 so as to make 100). It looks simple, but, oh my, try it for your- self, and you can appreciate it. The prop- csition is like this: “Take any six of the figures below and add them so as to make 21. No fractions are allowed. 1 1 1 z a 3 3 3 3 3 5 5 5 5 3 7 7 7 7 7 9 9 ° 9 9 “So far no one has done it, but it is said it ean be done.” kx KR Every few months there arises a new style for women to hold their dresses when waiking. Last spring the fair pedestrian grasped her gown firmly,in the middle of the back, and with herculean strength kept the mass of godets, haircloth and other accessories from sweeping the streets by main force. Now, when she takes her walks abroad, my lady clutches her superfluous drapery just above the knees with both hands in such @ way as to pull all the fullness from the back, and the plaits and furbelows form a sort of advance guard of her pro- gress. This is more or less fetching, ac- gerding to the individual grace of the wearer, but to the unitiated it presents the appearance of an agonized hold gn some hidden garment which may be slipping from its moorings. x KK OK K A trim foot, neatly shod for walking, a dainty slipper reposing coyly on the fender, twinkling toes in and out from under the billowing flounces of a dancing gown, all these have been themes for poetic treat- ment since ages dim, but a Washington girl, recently returned from Europe, has given occasion for a new consideration of this hackneyed idea. She rode down Con- necticut avenue one afternoon this week in @ street car, and, occupying the outer seat, she negligently hung a faultless foot faultlessly shod outside the vehicle. The motion of the car, of course, communicated itself to the foot, and there it swung like @ graceful pendulum in full view of the strollers. Had the member been other than it was, small and exquisitely shaped, there might heve been cause for invidious criti- cism, Dut it was merely set down as a new wrinkle from the other side, and now no doubt all the merry maidens will hang their feet from open cars. ———__ Why Do the Lost Walk in Circles? Frem the St, Louls Republic The question if often asked: Why is it that a perscn who is lost, whether it be in a dense wood or on a Prairie, invariably moves in a circle, and always to the right? No satisfactory answer has ever been given for this well-known peculiarity under the circumstances mentioned. Some physiologists,anatomists and specu- lative philosophers claim that the left leg in the human species is slightly longer than the right, and so takes longer steps, thus causing a motion to the right which in time completes a circle, if the mind is so be- wildered that it has no fixed objective point in view. Perhaps the real answer to this queer question Iles in the fact that most persons use their right hands in preference to the left, and are accustomed to passing objects on their right-hand side, and so, unconsciously, keep edging off to the right. On a prairie, however, where there is noth- ing in the way of obstacles worthy of men- ion, this cause or reason for waiking in a right-handed” circle would hardly hold good. Does any reader know whether it is a fact or not that left-handed persons who are lost make the circle in an opposite di- rection to that made by a right-handed per- son? ——_+ + —_____ A Growing Girl. From Brooklyn Life. : Aunt Miranda—“I suppose you saw Mary's girl when you were down to the city. Has she grown’ much since they moved away from Basswood Corners?” Uncle Jedikiah—“Grown! Why, she’s growin’ yet. You won't believe it, but her newest dress cnly reaches to her shoul- ders.” oo____ Had Encouraged Him. From Collier's’ Weekly. She—“I don’t see what reason you have for expecting anything but a refusal. I long, and have met so many people who |"¢VeFr ave you any encouragement.” are shy on information about things in Washington, that I don’t mind tt any more, but for the life of me I cannot understand where they get such peculiar ideas. There is scarcely a day when we have ladies in charge that they do not ask us where they can see the diplomatic corps. They have the idea that the diplomats gather each day at the State Department or somewhere else, attired in all their traps, and that they can be seen for the asking. And, what is worse, they won't believe us when we try to disabuse their minds in regard to it. Only a few days ago I had an old maid ftom Philadelphia in charge. I took her over the usual roand, but I noticed that ! she was not satisfied. Finally I asked her if there was any particular place she would specially like to see. “She replied: ‘Yes. I am told, and I see by the guide books, that there are several hundred army and navy officers on duty at the War and Navy departments. I dote on uniforms, and I wish you would take me where I can see them in their handsome dress. After that I wish you would take Me to see the diplomatic corps, for I am sure their uniforms are equally attractive and elegant. I do so love showy uniforms.’ I let her down easy, but it was useless for He (Gust rejected)—“Oh, Miss Gotrox— Maud! You did—you most certainly did greatly encourage me! You told me you were worth $600,000 in your own name.” ———+-e+____ “The king of the Cannibal Islands had a letter held for postage, and got mad and roasted the postmaster. What time was it2” + Following his craft.—Harper’s Bazar. THE WIFE'S STRATEGY. A Woman Who Reads Newspapers and Who.is Also.Wine. -- | In one of the 1641 bitéiness’ houses, no wiatter what kind 6f # store et tyhat num- bee it berts, as this is NO Advertisement, theré-ts a clerk who had beéfi a husband for about @ year and whosé home is in Georgétewi. About a week go he came dowh to Work twé hours late an@ looking as if he had made a night of ttr Indeed, much to the surprise of the proprietor and the other clerks who have known him. as a very steady young man, as, in fact, he is. But to the story of it. “I don’t doubt it; I don’t doubt it, said in explanation to his employer, I den’t care how bad 1 look. I feel a dozen times worse.” “But what happened?” asked the em- ployer, “I didn't know you were of in- temperate habits.” “I never have been, I'm sure, though, of course, when I wanted a drink I always took it.” “Then what's the matter now? I hope your marriage hasn't driven you to drink.” The clerk looked helplessly at his em- ployer, almost appealingly. ““Suat’s mighty near it,” he said, turning paler at the thought. ““You see, it was tbis way. 1 have always told my wife, even before we were married, that I never touched a drop of anything stronger than coffee and had never done so. 1 had to do it because she was so rabid on temperance that if I hadn't she wouldn't have mar- rled me. Well, we've never had a shade of trouble on the subject, for if I wanted a drink I took it down town and never got home soon enough afterward for her to suspect anything. “Not long ago she read something in one of the confounded newspapers to the effect that some woman had found out a way to catch her husband if he were telling steries to her about his drinking, and 1 smiled and kissed her and told her that I was very thankful, and she ought to be, that her husband was above suspicion and didn’t need to have a detective hounding him, or something like that.” “Then she Kissed me and sald she hoped it would always be so, awd I toid her I knew It would be. I never gave the mat- ter any further thought, and last night as I came out to come down town on some business of her father's I left her up- stairs talking with her mother, and she called me as I opened the front door and told me to stop in the dining room and turn the gas down. I obeyed, and when I got in there ¥ noticed on the table a bot- tle from the drug store, labeled ‘whisky!’ “I supposed it belonged to the cook or somebody in the kitchen department and had been left there by mistake, and just for a flyer I thougnt I would take a nip of it to brace me up on my trip down town, as I felt a little kind of clammy inside, any- way. é “A minute after the nip got down my gullet I thought my everlasting doom was scaled, and I set up a yell for the women folks. They didn’t come very fast, but when they did get down they didn’t ‘seem half as scared as I was, and my wife didn't do a thing but laugh at me. That made me mad, living or dead, and I began to grow caim out of spite. At the same time I didn't know what the blamed bot- tle contained and was still scared half out of my wits. Then my wife took up the bottle and looked carefully at the label. “ “Why, Charlie,’ said she, ‘how did it ever happen? I thought you never touch- ed a drop of anything stronger than cof- fee. That's why I had that label put on the bottle. Don’t worry; it won't kill you.” “And it didn’t,” sighed the clerk, “but oh, what a time I had for two hours, and how I wrestled all hight and till late this morning with that confounded nip 1 took out of that infernal trap my wife set for me.” ——— LOCATING THE BLAME. An Oversight Which Was Unquestion- ably Misleading. One of Washington's amateur actors has a profound faith in the efficacy of adver- tising. And it must be confessed that the public has given him reason to feel that it is somewhat slow at making discoveries. It was after the entertainment and the chairman of the committee on arrange- ments was receiving his usual measure of reproof. “Who got up the programs?” asked the young man. “I did,” replied the chairman of the com- mittee. “I suppose you think that your part of the performance was not given suf- ficient prominence.” “I don't care anything about the promi- nence. But so long as my name was men- tioned at all it might as well have been done right. “I don’t see that you ought to say any- thing about the way in which we called attention to you. The audience didn't seem to know you were there.”” “On the contrary, a number of my friends told me I was first-rate, especially when I sang that comic song.” c: “T didn’t hear anybody laughing. “Of course not. And that’s where I say you are to blame. How could you expect them to laugh? You didn’t state in the pregram that it was a comic song.” —_—— BARBER SHOP STORIES. Peculiar Things Men Do When They Go to Get Shaved. “Funny and often embarrassing things happen in a barber shop,” said the barber, as he sawed away on a Star reporter's face. “You see that man standing out there. Two years ago he came in here one night, got a shave and went oyt. In a few min- utes he returned and asked me if I had seen his diamond scarf pin. He said it must have been pulled out by the towel around his neck. I searched, but found nothing, and he went out. He came back in an hour and again inquired in such a manner as to arouse my anger. To satisfy him, I stoppe: ork, with a house full of men waiting for shaves, and searched everything, even going into the old hair lying around, He went away and returned again. I asked him if he was sure he had worn it, and he said he would swear he had it on when he walked in my shop. I almost had a fight with him about it. He went out at last, and I never saw him again until Monday morning. Then he acknowledged that he had found the pin in his trunk. a “Another time a young man, the son of a tailor, came in. I noticed that he had an odd-looking overcoat on, but I said noth- ing. When he went to leave he said some one had taken his overcoat. I asked him if the coat hanging on the rack was not the one he had worn to the shop. He most solemnly protested that it was not, and threatened to raise a disturbance if he did not get his coat. About that time his fath- er walked in and inquired about the trou- ble. He examined the coat and found that it was his, and that his son had worn it without noticing it. That saved me some trouble. “One night a man came in, took off a light overcoat and sat in the chair to be shaved. Then another man came in, and also took off a light overcoat, which he hung on the rack. Number 1 got up and put on No. 2's overcoat. There was an im- Mediate dispute, but No. 1 claimed that it was his. He persisted in his claim, and was told by No. 2 that if he wore the coat away he would be arrested. He did so, any- how, and the next thing was that No. 1 was in the hands of a policeman, and was beg- ging us to say he did not intend to steal the overcoat. He had hard work getting out of the matter. I never could see how he could have been honestly mistaken, but he might have been.” a An Ant Fifteen Yenrs 01d. From the Scientific American, Sir John Lubbock, the naturalist, has been experimenting to find out how long the common ant would live if kept out of harm’s way. On August 8, 1888, an ant which had been thus kept and tenderly cared for died at the age of fifteen years, which is the greatest age any species of insect has yet been known to attain. An- other individual of the same species of ant (Formica fusca) lived to the advanced age of thirteen years, and the queen of another kind (Lasius niger) laid fertile eggs after she had passed the age of nine years. ——__—__-e-____ The Decline of Chivalry, Husband—“What's the matter now?” Wite—“Sir Walter Raleigh laid his cloak on the ground for Queen Elizabeth to walk over, but you get mad simply because poor, dear mother sat down on your hat.” TERPSICHORE AND THEGOAT eo ‘ There had beey.@ expression like that of Jocund June on:the face of Mr. Dol@n’s wat Until the aftérnoen wien Mickey Do- 1ih Was seized With an idea. “A gentud for iiischtet and a‘tatént for methatiics en- bica him to devgiop in the goat resources for his own diversion and the consterna- tfon of his parehté such as he had never before suspected; ~Mr. Dolan wag, enjoying his pipe on the front steps. 4 >; “Bedalia,” he guid to his wife, “it do be a Scandalous ting! the way they does be goin’ an down town these days, judgin’ be the pictures onthe bill-boords. That's a thrue worrud. ‘An™ the natural way they make thcse sathe pictures is a caution. The top-toein’ an’ the hoigh kickin’ thot's tuck the place 0’ the old-fashioned reels is enough to make ye fale that there's no such t’ing as ral art ony more. An’ they're done thot thrue to loife that whiniver the fince they're pasted anto happens to be shtruck be the wind, Oi c’u’d take me oath they wus goin’ ty shtart in an’ do a shkirtintine shtep, regyardless av the fact thot Ol niver paid a cint at the ticket- office. Of niver wanted that bill-boora there. It's no good company, wid its thricks and jiggamarees.” During these cbservations Mickey had been patiently sitting on a bowlder in the lot watching the goat. He had reasons. About an hour before he had taken a heavy spring which he got from some cast- off upholstery, compressed it and tied it with cord. By wrapping it with cabbage leaves he had induced the animal to swal- low it. He had no desire to hurt the goat. On the contrary, he had observed a rather sluggish tendency in the animal and thought it needed @ tonic. At last he was rewarded. The goat jump- ed several feet into the air and executed a series of intricate and agile evolutions. He jumped sometimes on two legs, some- times on three and occasionally pirouetted on only one. In great alarm Mr. and Mrs. Dolan ran to the cherished protege of the hovsehold. They could only allow it to continue its capers. Striding over to the bill bvard, Mrs. Doian shook her finger at it and exclaimed: “We'll hov the law on ’em; thot’s what we'll do.” “How're yes goin’ to c'lect damages from anybody because the goat gits the de- lirium thrimmins?” inquired her husband. “That's no delirium thrimmins. It's plain 3 day what ails the goat. It's been a long toime breakin’ out, but ‘twas bad whin it cem. He's been atin’ so many ballet-girls off'n the bill-boords thot his system’s full o’ them. That's phwat’s the matther wid ‘im, PHILANDER JOHNSON. =e IT WAS DISHEARTENING. “I know I'm young,” remarked the pro- prietor of the large chrysanthemum. “I don’t pretend to that knowledge of human nature which permits a man to make cyni- cal remarks intelligently. But there is one thing I will say, without fear of contra- diction.” “What is ‘that, dear boy owner of a big bunch of violets. “Girls are very hard to pleas “You are so original, Algy, so vastly original!” ‘No. That's not an idea of my own, It’s something that I learned by bitter experi- ence. I used to call on a young woman of @ melancholy disposition. Her face al- ways had an expression of fatigue. Other people said they” didn’t notice it, but. my keen perceptiéns were not to be decelved. I was touched by her sorrow and did my best to cheer her up. had a very slight sense of humor. ‘There was only one style of witticism that she appge- clated, and that was the kind that tells about young men who make calls and don't know when it's time to go home. She used to cut them out of the newspapers and paste them in a scrap book. When she had handed me the scrap book four or five times I awakened to a realizing sense.” “You always were so quick to see through anything, Aigy.” “It took me almost two weeks. But having learned the lesson I resolved to profit by it. I called on another young woman and I took care to look at my watch frequently, so that.it shouldn't get to be 11 o'clock without my knowing { “You always were a ‘shrewd fellow, Algy.” “Not at all. Yesterday I received a very indignant note from her. She sent back the ring I had given her, and stated that all was over; that no man who truly loved @ girl would be as much scared as I was about missing the last car.” —— A MATTER OF DOURT, asked the it Was a Peculiar Case nnd He Want- ed to Do the Right Thing. “Would you mind telling me something?” he asked with some hesitancy. “Certainly not," The Star reporter an- swered. “You see a great many newspapers?” “I have to read considerably.” “And you ought to be able to tell whether a thing is funny or not.” “Can't you tell for yourself?” “Ordinarily. But I have a case here that needs an expert opinion. Some time ago I was employed by a man to look after his stock in trade—which consisted mainly of beer. Some people came in, and in order to entertain them I showed them a few tricks that I had learned. One of them said to me that he knew a good trick, and that if I would help him out he would show it. I was willing to do anything I could to make it pleasant for the company, and when he asked me for an augur, I handed him a small one that happesed to be handy. He went over to a keg of beer and bored a hole in it. He told me to put my thumb over the hole. I did so, and he bored anothex hole in the keg. At his re- lea I put my other thumb over the other ola.” * “Then what did he do?” Then he began to treat the crowd to everything in sight. All I could do was to reason with them about their conduct. I didn’t dare take elther of my thumbs off, for the result would have been a geyser that would have ruined the new wall paper. When they had helped themselves to all they wanted, they went away and left me. It was two hours before the proprietor came and plugged up the holes and released me.” “Does the owner hold you responsible?” “I don’t know whether he does or not. I haven’t been back, and the next time I go to work, it will be in a drygoods store or a grocery. All I want to ask you is this: Was that a good joke or was it a case of false pretenses. Which ought I to do, laugh and be merry, or have those people arrested @’ ans Herole Measures. From the Chicago Daily News. New Roomer (sarcastically)—“Is this all the soap there {a in the room?” Landlady (decidedly)—“Yes, six; all I-will allow you.” New Roomer—‘Well, I'll take two more rooms. I’ve got :t@ wash my face in the morning.” ASS oo eee ee An Early Start. From Life. “Aren't you giving your boy dancing les- sons at a very young age?” “But we intend him for the army.” From Life. “Now, miss, can I ask you to move your head just a littic bit for COMPLETELY OUTGRNERALED. Costumes Were Not in the Contraet, * but She Finally Got Them, “T've heard a good deal about esercion,” s&id the man with a heavy mustache and a tag gold watch chain, ap he leaned over the. desk Of a- Washington hotel, “But it’s my opititon that the pubiie in general don’t know what coercion fs. Just wait you get women in politics; then you'll find out something about it.” “Have you ever had any experience with women in politics?” inquired the clerk. “Not with women in politics. But I’ve Just had experience with a woman in busi- ness, which shows how quick the sex ig in recognizing an advantage and how heart- less «it can be in making use of it. I run a dime museum. One of my chief attractions is a bearded lady. About two wepks ago her husband came to me and said that she wanted some new costumes; that she was tired of trying to keep up appearances with her old ones. I just laughed at him; but he assured me that she was in earnest. I told him to tell his wife that we weren't paying her milliner’s bills. He went away and came back with the message that she wasn’t going to be put off; that she wanted three new dresses, and that she wanted “em made by the most expensive modiste in town. ‘What’ll she do if she doesn’t get ‘em? I asked. ‘She’s awfully set in her own way,’ he answered; ‘I shouldn't be sur- prised if she resigned right off.’ I laughed at him again and told him that I had a contract with her for the season, which it would cost her more to break than she could earn in six months.” “That ought to have settled it,” the clerk remarked. = “It didn’t, though. In less than ten min- utes he came back to my office on a run. ‘You've got to compromise, somehow,’ he sald. ‘You've always been a friend of mine, and I don’t want to see you get the worst of it. ‘She can’t get around that contract,’ I answered, beginning to feel a little appre- hensive. ‘She isn’t going to try to. She says she’ stay her time out and appear every afternoon and night as she agreed to. But when I left she had her things on, and you'll have to run if you want to catch her; by this time she’s half way to the barber shop. She’s going to get shaved.” “A woman,” remarked a grave looking person with his eye fixed upon the figure of the lady surmounting che great white dome of the Capitol, ‘a woman is the beat- in’est critter on earth, or words to that effect.” “Prithee, why?” asked the car driver, who was leaning up against the northeast post of the small car shed. “In my opinion,” continued the grave person, “when the Creator had finished His work some years ago, of which you have no doubt read in late editions of Philadel- phia papers, I mean finished it all except the last article on the Hst, it occurred to Him that it would be pleasant for one world to have something to keep ‘ts mind engaged; so He devised a wonderful puzzie and called it woman.” The car driver began to look uneasy, as if he had chased up against a crank and yelled, “All aboard.” The grave person got on and sat down beside a friend of his who had been waiting there for him. “As I was saying,” he went on as if the friend knew what he had been talking about, “I think women are the queerest critters on the footstool. Now, there’s my landlady, you know her, as fine, gv0d-look- ing young woman. as ever lived and ought to have a well-balanced minj, but she hasn't. You know that door tha: leads from the dining room into the hall? Well, it’s got a clear pane of glass in it, you remember—well, this morning and for the past eighteen mornings 1 have b-en fool- ing with her and that pane of glass. You see, when I go out of the ‘lining room she comes with me as far as the door aud stops. Three weeks ago, I male a smail dash at her and she shut the door, leaving me out in the hall. Then for fun, of course, I stuck my cherry lips up to that pane of glass and dared her to meet me. But she wouldn't do it. She thought it was great fun though, and would stick her pretty mouth up to within an :nch or two of the glass, and then with a keen little feminine shrick she would jerk away as if the glass were a hot stove lid. Well, she’s been do- ing that eyer since every morning, and while I think it is a pleasing and harmless pastime, I can’t for the life of me see why she won't touch the glass. Of «ourse, my lips are on the other side of it, and though in plain sight, are to all intents and pur- poses a mile away, and why she Is so afraid I don’t understand. It's a woman's way, I reckon, and that is why I was say- ing a few minutes ago that there is no finding out a woman. I think——’ e “Say,” interrupted the car driver, stick- ing his head through the door in en in- tensely eager way, “why in thunder don’t you break the glass out of the door and try her once?” and the face of the grave person became irradtated on <he instant as if there had come a great flood of sun- light into his darkened mind. A DISCOVERY. The Professor’s Unwelcome Incrense of Knowledge. One of Washington's scientific men found himself in an assemblage where there were a great many young people. He endeavor- ed to rise—or, perhaps, to descend—to the occasion ag gracefully as possible. Having been introduced to a number of young wo- men, he tried to make himself agreeable by explaining some of the latest information in ethnology, and he became so absorbed in his discourse that he did not notice, until they were nearly all gone, that a youth with a nasal voice was winning his audi- ence away from him with a funny song. He tried it again with archeology as the theme. A girl with a banjo wrecked his ambitions. He thought he was making some headway by means of his remarks on paleontology when a man who took a rabbit out of a silk hat eternally quenched his ide. » iy dear,” he said to gee ou their way home, “I have been thinking it over, and I find that the evening has been far fi wasted.” “ST was very much afraid that you would feel differently algout it.” “No. I have made a very important and interesting discovery. The merest accidents sometimes lead to the most surprising revelations, and tonight I learned some- thing which completely overturns an ac- cepted theory.” “Ig it possible?" ‘We have been led to believe that the chief of all forces ig the attraction of gravity. “Y, “Well, I have found out tonight that there are times when it can’t hold a candle to the attraction of levity.”” eS Service a In Nowery. From the New Orleans Times-Democrat. A walter from “de Bowery” drifted into town the other day and got a job in a Royal street restaurant. He was dressed in a check suit, walked stiff-kneed, with his chin out, and yelled out his orders ike a Mississippi mate. His first ‘customer was a gentleman of delicate appetite. The wait- er struck a prize fighter attitude, leaned his head slightly down toward the guest, and sal “Well?” The guest looked up in surprise, The waiter glanced down at him. “Well, what can we do for yer, sport?’ Regaining his control, the diner said: h, I'd like something light, waiter.” ‘Sumtin’ light? How would a fedder do whiskers trou a lamp, or p’r’aps a cup of barber’s ladder might fit yer mug.” Having delivered himself of these pleas- antries, the waiter smiled broadly, and tapped his customer lightly on the chest. “Dere, whiskers, don’t get yer peppers on. Dat’s a josh to git up yer appetite, sce? No stringin’, wouldn’t an omelet suffiay tickle de cove in yer bread baskey? Say, I can rush it into yer face before yer finish goin’ up against de pickles, see?” The delicate gentleman nearly fainted, and was rescued by the head waiter, who | gave him another attendant, and put the | Ganymede from wicked New York on the : dishwashing list. ———+-e-+—____ Beauty and Ansiomy,. From Truth. Beauty is only skin deey but we are still willing to love it without entering into anatomical detatis. DEAD TO THE WORLD. They Looked Like Suicides, but They Knew Their Business. Suicides have been so numerous of late that a Star reporter was not very much surprised the other night when he almost stumbled over a man who lay on the flat of his back at full length on the pavement, at the corner of Massachusetts avenue and 16th street. He lay in the shade of a tree, but the moonlight falling through the branches not only clearly defined the form, but gave a weird and uncanny effect. The Star man, startled for a moment, stopped to examine, and when he saw five or six more silent outstretched forms near the curbstone, although they looked iike S, and made the locality look like a miriature battlefield, the whole thing wes easy. They were oniy sleeping, ard although their beds were hard, some of them were lying on their coats and sev- eral lay in the gutter with the curbstone for a pillow. Three or four of the familiar street-sweeping carts stood like sentinels near by urder the shadow of the trees, ard the horses in the shafts were sleeping, too. Just then a atreet sweeper came alcng dragging his big broom, and The Star man asked, pointing to the silent forms, “Wnat are they doing, uncle?” “W’'y, boss, dey is jes’ a sleepin’.”” “Tired out? “No, indeedy. It’s too early ter git tiah- ed. But yo’ ste no ’mount er daylight sleepin’ 13 as good as er little night sieep, an’ so w’en de boys gits a chance "tween Sweeps, dey jes’ draps right down an’ take 2 rap. Mebbe dis ig de onliest one dey'l! git till tomorrer. it happens dis yer way. De machines bas come down 16th and gone up one side er Massachusetts and Jes’ now dey is up around Dupon’. Now we done swep’ 16th and we has to wait Ul dey come back. Den de sweepers will git in line and de cyarts will foller along Jes’ like er percession.” “But these carts won't hold much more. Qne of them ts full to overflowing alreauy,” said The Star man. “Dat’s all right, boss, dey all belongs to de gang and dey all sticks togedder, kaze dey all goes to de i9th street dump. Now dat full cyaht belongs to de leader, and dc heaviest sweepin’s was on his side of 16th, ate he filled fust. But dey all keeps toged- ler. “Heah comes de machines now,” he ex- claimed, and the familiar swish of the horse sweepers could be heard coming nearer. They were preceded by the ii Spector in a light buggy. His quick eye i tected the sidewaik sleepers, and so many gh s method of calling them to duty was to drive his horse on to the curbsiune among them. The men arose one after another and picked up their coats and brooms. One called out familiarly: “Say, fling us @ halt s0's we kin git a pint.” After the horse sweepers had passed they fell into Ihe in the cutter and began sweeping the dirt into llttle piles. Then the carts came along and the night’s work Was tontinued. As The Star reporter stood watching, a driver stopped his horse at th first little pile of sweepings. He bent down and picked up a piece of paper and care- fully wiped off his big shovel, which al- ready shone like burnished steel in the moonlight. Then with one swoop he shov- eled the entire pile into his cart. “Do you ever find anything worth keep- ing?” asked The Star man. Deed I ain't nebber foun’ nothin’ on dis job. Some of de gang does. One of de boys picked up $b one night. What did he do with it? "Deed ypu’s too hard fer me. I doan’ know whet he done wif it, cep'n ter keep it. G'lorg! whoa!” After every “whoa” and before every “g'long” came that metallic ring of the shovel as it came in contact with the as- phalt. These are the familiar sounds that strike the ecr of the pedestrian every night as he passes through the streets of the national capital, and just such unique stenes as the one described are enacted nightly, but they are peculiar to Washi ton and cannot be found in every large city. >—— THE WIFE SCORED ONE. A Domestic Conversation and the In- teresting Outcome. Grigeon has a habit of waiting until they go to bed to tell his wife the gossip he has picked up during the day. He reads four cr five papers, ads. and all, between sup- per and bed time, and his wife knows the fruitiessness and danger of attempting to pick any talk out of him while this news- absorbing process is going on. By the time Grigson, with his hand on the gas key. has made a survey of the room between the light and the bed, and pulis the cover- ings over him, he appears to his wife to be just getting livened up for the day, and wants to talk, while she is sleepy and wants to slumber. She always makes a brave effort to keep awake, however, and to mumble an_ occasional “M-mh,” and “Yes?” and “Well?” at the proper times. When the story {s especially long and drawn out, hcwever, she cannot help, for the life of her, dropping off completely to sleep. When she does this, she unvaryingly rouses herself when she hears her husband mut- ter, “Blamed if I don’t belleve that woman is sound asleep,” and says, “Go on; I am lstening.”” ‘ “I'll bet thirty cents that you don’t re- member a word I said to you in bed last night,” said Grigson to his wife the other morning at breakfast. “Indeed, I do remember everything you said,” she replied, but it could be seen that he was doing some hard thinking as she it. “For instance,” went on Grizson, “I sup- pose you recall that I said Thompson is drinking hard, and—” “Yes,” chimed in Mrs. Grigson, “and that he is lable to lose his position if he don’t step, and—"” “Now I've got you,” exclaimed Grigson, triumphantly, throwing down his napkin— for Grigson is notorious among his wife's women friends as a mean old thing—“I've got you pat. I didn’t even mention Thomp- son’s name last night, and I don’t suppose he ever took half a dozen drinks in his life. So you were clearly asleep all the time, and that’s all there is about it.” But Mrs. Grigson didn’t bat an eyebrow. “Tom,” she said, after a minute, “don't you think some good doctor could cure you of your habit of saying such strange things when you are asleep and dreaming?” Grigson looked at his wife in silence. “Minnie,” he sald, solemnly, “I give you up. What's the use of your belonging to all these church societies, anyhow?” THE MOMENTOUS QUESTION. it W Brief and Simple, but Full of Meaning. She is a charming young woman, the more attractive because of her confiding credulity. Her mother, as befits a woman of her responsibilities, is a model of cau- tlousness. The girl was talking of a man whose acquaintance with the family was still young, but whose qualities were such as to render him a very agreeable eom- panion. The.mother tolerated him and the daughter encouraged him. “My dear,” said the former, “it seems to me that you are allowing Mr. Gilderson to monopolize a great deal of your time. hadn’t noticed it, mamma.” “I hope that you realize that the years of your life between nineteen and twenty- seven are very precious and should not be wasted.” “But Mr. Gilderson is a very bright and energetic young man. And he seems ex- ceedingly well bred.” “And he knows so many fine people. He knows dukes and duchesses and one or two of the crowned heads. He has been abroad, you know. o I gathered from his conversation. “And he knows nabobs and heiresses in this country.” “Yes, my dear. I haven’t the slightest doubt of it. There is only one question that arises in my mind.”, A Remonstrance. Fron? Harper's Bazar. “Jimmy, why don't yer see de gal home? You's got yer dress suit on.” jh Absolutely Pure. Accrenmn of tartar baking powder. Highest of all in leavening strength.—Latest United States Government Food Report, Rovat Baxixe Powpen Co., New York. TRE HVUSBA pS PROGRAM. What He Told His W He Actually Did. He had meditated making this declara~ tion of independence for a long while, and he finally concluded to spring it on Thanks- siving eve. “Ther he said to his wife about an hour after supper that night, as he pulled on his gloves and overcoat, “Thanksgiving eve comes only oace every year, and it ought to be celebrated. I am going out. { am not going to the lodge. I am not soing down to the office to fix up my books. I am not going to sit up with a sick friend. I am not sudde called to Baltimore on business that keep me away until morning. But I'm going to © a bully good time right here in Wash- ington, and maybe I won't get home Wefore 4 or 5 tomorrow morning. So you needn't stay up for me. From here I'm going down to Jim Blud- and What where there's going to be a curkey I'm going to blow in the price of a turkey chucking dice for that one. if 1 win It, I'l send it up by a boy. If I don’t, ll buy one at the market and send it up 1 expect to have about three Martigny cocktails at Bludso’s, and maybe one or two gin rickeys. Then I'm going to the variety show with Tom Atkinson nd some more of ahe fellows. While we've there we'll perhaps have a few more rickeys. After the show we're going to sit down to @ quiet te game of poker, with a dollar limit. We have aiready agreed to break up the game at 1 o'clock sharp m toe morn- ing. After the game I’m going to a ‘Turk- ish bath and splash around anu out for awhile. Then I'm com See Then he bolted for the was out on the street chance to reply. About two hours later—it 9:20, n the evening--she heard a hack deaw up and stop in front of the house. From the front window she saw hin sprawi cut of the hack. In the bright moonlight she could make out t had two col minutes: bed, sleeping he avily. He was very repeniant in the morning, notwithsianding his neal. 1 didn’t etay out £0 laze, horest I mie 20 Ba wife, in a con “and 4 osiy tulked that way 23 out last nicht for fun, Bui I break away trom boys. They wo e RU. I swore to ‘em that I'd nave i make a run for home shortly night, but it was no use. W thing, either, Mad a lite . P Well, I won $0) in “he gare yhow, Lat we couidu’t manag: io c it up much before 2 o'clock _nis moraing, Then 1 made a rush for the Turk and got thro 1 outtir, Got Never was I came in nd looking prett hed and all that, you know, 1 felt cheap, for a fact, and 1 was glad you didn’t wake up. I feel pretty rocky from the loss of siewp, and it’s the last time I stay out Ull all hours of the morning, you may depend upon that.” He doesn’t know yet how and at what hour he came home Thanksgiving eve, and he probably won't know until he reads this ip comeia MUSIC AS A CIVILIZER,. Its Practical Uxe im a 1 in Kentucky. “Music hath charms to soothe a savage, to rend a rock and bust a cabbage,” quoted the hotel clerk to the guest from the moun- tain region of Kentucky, as that individual dropped a nickel in the tin cup of la bella Italianna-organ-grindera. “Well,” he Javughed, “here’s a cabbage It can bust every time it hits it, and I'm glad of it. I’m a great believer in music and its power over the tutored and the untutored mind. Of course, there is a margin of poet- ry in it, but its practical workings are no less. As an instance let me tell you my ex- erience. I am, as you know, in the lumber business in the mountain region of Ken- and, as you are also aware, that ular section is not ertirely inhabited by Quakers. I had employed at my mill out a dozen men who Were a fair average. That is to say, as long as they were not drinking they were not shooting, but when the wine was in the pistols were out and civilization was not greatly advanced by the subsequent proceedings. Among my men were two°who played the fiddle, and it occurred to me after reading something about what Prof. Somebody had done in the Chicago slums with music to try it on my people. So I called them up and talked to them on the subject, suggesting as a kind of inducement that the company would ray for the instruments if they wouid or- and hire a teacher for a brass mber Camg The clerk put his hands up to his ears. “Oh, that’s all right,” laughed the timber know that a brass band practicing isn't much for pleasure, but it’s a good deal safer and more agreeable than shoot- ing chunks of lead around town, and our brass band as introduced as a public scother, so to speak. At first our musict were disposed to ‘shoot up the town’ bi cause some indiscrect persons made re- marks about what a brass band sounded like, but I put the wickedest man of the lot at the head of the band, for he was a leader wherever he was, and I told him how necessary discipline was. “He caught on at once, and as all the young fellow e afraid of him, he soon had them as well wained as soldiers. The teacher was a city man of courage and a gentleman as well, and his influence helped, too, so that within six months you wouldn't have known my people or our liitle town. They worked nearly every night til 9 o'clock at their music, and as soon as they could play a piece fairly well they went on exhibition wiih it, and when summer came I furnished the material and they built a public music stand, where they play- ed every evening for an hour or more. I never saw such an improvement in men, and it extended to their friends and the whole community. “After a time they were playing well enough to go to the neighboring places to play at local celebrations, and once they played three days at a county fair and made quite a little sum of mone When they went away on these trips, which were not numerous enough to interfere with their work, their conduct was something to be proud of, and they would as soon have thought of getting drunk or raising a row as they would of throwing their instru- ments in the river. “They stopped their nightly gambling and saved their money, and after two years of that band I wouldn't have parted with it for a 25 per cent dividend of our com- pany.” a A Vicious Send of. the New York Herald. Lovise was furievs about her wedding.” “What was the matter?” “The organist was a rejected lover and played the bridal couple out of church with the tune ‘He's Got an Elephant on His Hans.” Fe — —- eee An Instance, From Life. , “Don’t you think things are magnified at night?” “I know it. My baby seems twice as big.”