Chicago Daily Tribune Newspaper, May 4, 1873, Page 7

" and sbeolute cortainty upon his part that his aid THE CHICAGO DAILY TRIBUNE: SUNDAY, MAY 4, 187 ~ MOVING. May-Dey Was Gb- How the d served. Features of the American Sat- ‘ urnalia. 2] o *“On Horror's Head Horrors Accu- = mulate.” : 7 Dim as twilight in October. _Dawns tho dark'and dismal dsy, | Of course, that is oné of its epecial privileges. As if one’s household-belongings did not look. disreputable enough when they are en deshabille ‘snd heaped together promiscuously, soft spring- showers must needs pat in & very inopportune - nppesrance, sud add to the genoral confasion * order; or g;g and discomfort. * Cold, raw winds also assist ot the carnival; and, altogether, things, outside and in, * o A ARE ABOUT AS DISAGKEEABLE as it is possible to conceive. Worn out with the . labors of preparation, you have failed to sleep in the early hours of the night. You remember that, in Germany, the witches are kecping sat- urnalis, and you mentally query if there might not a fow of them have come over in that first ~ship from. -Hol- land, - and, =allowing for tho difference in time, still keeping tho Walpurgis-revel in this country, Certainly that accounts for it. How long beforo eilver sixpences and mill- ponds were in roquisition on theif account, after the good fathers had settled down to' s proper consideration of their condition? How did they come? Inthehold, at the mast-head, or were “they on invisible attending company, sailing through the air upon broomsticks and similar sppropriate “locomotive ‘agents? Realizing, at least, that same of their mischiovous descend- ants are apparently applying ingenious mothods of torture toevery nerve and musclé in your body, you at lzst fall aslecp, to be awakened, a8 it scems to you, the noxt moment, by . AN UNZARTHLY WHOOP, . &nd, opening your eyes, you find it is daylight, and that you must rize. That demoninc yell was - only a shout of joy from one of the younger boys, to whom moving comprises Fourth of Jaly, general-muster, and the cirous, all rolled into one. No school that dey; and ‘it is Tommy, screaming his exultation as he elides down the bannister, that has aroused you; while Johuny diversifies it by standing on his head, and other- wisle openirig the performance with appropriate gymnastic exercises. You are s wise woman, 0 youcloso the door nnd say nothing, for you are ‘well awara that, the sooner they wear off a por- tion: of the ectasy, the better it will bo for you. Thoy will be useful later in the day as general carriors in an individual way, if allowed to effer- vesco early. Unutterably woary you rise and go . down stairs. Breakfast is eaten in a shiftless way, and the unwashed dishes are packed ina hamper, and left to be cleansed at s more con- venient opportunity. y s There are generally three kinda of husbands who are especially noticeable at this season. THE FIBST OF THESE . csalls after you asyou leave the room, * Dear, where is my clean shirt?” *“I don't know, Charles, Ileft it out yesterdsy, but Mary must have put it up.. Can't you make the one you wore yesterdsy agswer?” ¢ Of course Ican't; youlmow that very well. Idon’tsee how you could have been so careless.” You turn back with a sigh, unlock a huge Saratoga, and, half unpacking it, get the necessary clean linen, —knowing that it is useless to protest, although the other was clean the day before. Then he wants a particular neck-tie, which you also find ; but, having doze &o, ho concludes he will wear the ono he had on yesterdsy. As yon again turn to go sms, Bio makes a fow imprac- Eicable suggestions regording breakfast, and comes around in & half-hour, looking immacu- Intely neat, and altogether self-satisfied,. 83 if there was no such thing as May morning'in the ‘the world. He is not_particularly pleased witli his breakfast; but, with what he considers the 1rmost noble f;:msity, he overlooks the short- comings of that unsatisfactory meal, and, rising, Re goes toyour favorite rosée-bush, with ita one Tovely blossom that you had been cherishing to brighten your new home, and, breaking it off, places it in his button-hole. He looks askance 8t your gray dress, which you have donned for service; but you go to the-door with him, be- cause he expects it and you have always done so. As ho goes down the steps, putting on his double-butioned Dents, - he “waves .his hand and eays, “Ta, ta! TI. send the men right along. And dom’t mind about dinner; T'll get mine down town.” Were you a ‘wige or foolish womsn? Did yon closs the door glad that he was gone, and take all the burden mpon yourself, —submitting to » cold dinner, picked up a8 it best mighit be, and using up the remnant of your 'strength in order that my. ..lord's slsupin‘f apartment should bo in perfect did you say,.‘Yes, dear, and I will bring Alice [the eldest daughter] and meet you, and we . ¢ | CAN ALL DINE TOGETHER.” If you were & ekilful player, that waa the way you F.inad your checkmate; and, having seen Your furniture safely housed in the new mansion, ‘Provided cook with the means of getting a sim- ple foeal “for- the younger children and servants, you have carricd ‘omt_ your iu- fention,’ and. hsve dined - dowa-town. We hope you did. If you aro one of thoso pro- visional women spoken of in & provious article ou have- secured possession of one room, an ad sufficlent furniture moved to make it com- fortable. This yon can use as & nursery and -eleeping-apartmeént until tho rest of tho place ia put.in order, and it will holp_yon immeasurably 288 move toward that checkmate you are to make. In fact, it will be a good thing for you and your liege-lord to dine-down-town until the household machinery is once more in perfect running order. It is the most complicated of all motive mechanical arrangements, and, until ~'each pieco is properly fitted in place, it is not best to attempt using it with the expectation of any desirable results. THE NEXT VARIETY of masculine matrimonial help is ovenworse than - the preceding one. He is of the Danbi hen- rhnmf order, and holps too.much. He flics around vory much after the same manner, and makes of the confusion such an inextricable &narl that gn wonder if you ever will get thin, siraight, He gives contradictory ordors to the servants, sets the children by tho ears, drives distractod with questions, and calls for help, -’f:!lo! which is done with such good nature, is inivaluable, you don't know how to properl: suppress hirs.” What you did with hi Mag. in all that rain, one can't imagine. The way fo disposo of him, in pleasant wmhm—,,is tnpgive him 'a_ ‘chair in the balcony, in the courtyard, on the sidewalk,—anywhers out of doors,—provide him with cigars and the morning TRIBUNE, and let him remonstrate warmly with the Milegian expressmen. The moro fervid his invocations, the higher he will rise in their estimation, and, “if he only looks on and adjures enthusiastically, . you will probably be complimented by the confi- dential comment, *‘An’, shure, isn't"he the jin- tleman 7" YHE THIRD SPECIES,— o rars_avis indeod—is the helpful man, who Teally does do the right thing in the right place, and takes a portion of the burden upon his own ehoulders. With quiet authority he orders and superviees, and things go bn with as much ease 8 is posaible under such difficult conditions. He is not be found in every. house, however; but there is mot tho 'least doubt that every mothers son of them Fho reads this articld will think ke is the man, although they are, of course, not in the alightest degree conceited. " ‘We will suppose, however, dear Madame, that u ae one of the particularly fortunate kind ; t your male acccssories are of the best qual- ity,—both your other half and the hired asssist- él‘x:h!; still you would hardly care to have Moy- 5 A QUARTEBLY FESTIVAL. 'With what disgust you Jook after the loads of farniture as they move off. Your parlor-terry or eatin looks very shabby, aud you can_scarcely believe that it was so fine only last week, beforo the di: tling process began. A socialistic sg:xit the and _you litle Miss Four-years-old is to be generally looked after by the famil; 8 Buch supervision is finally no supervision. One delegates tho charge to another pro tem, until at last, through some neglect, the littlo creature is missing, an s the exclamationtat Soies 5 ’ 3 the exclamation’ that curdles yonr blood. Good-bye to all regard for mere mmy‘nbleu; they may be stolon, shattered, destroyed, for all you care, 50 only the darling liftle mischiof is foand again. You dispatch your assistants inalldi- rections; you hurry forth yourself, leaving your property af tho mercy of any ono; and not until shois brought back canyou think of anything else. Bhe was ' two aquaros off, leading another little toddler, a neighbor's child, into o strango houso which'sha had fancied, and insisted upon was the new one they were to go to. Securing tho runaway, you send her to the new houso with £ome member of the family whom you think can bo best spared,—the oldest girl, probably, the boys being quite out of the quostion, as theyare not sufliciently tired gor o be quiescent or smenable to orders. soon as you'can, you follow, and . e 5 A LONG LIST OF DISASTERS is hearkenod to. Tho old mirror, which you ‘havo kopt 60 religionsly bocause it came over in the Mayflowor, has been shivered by the icono- clast, who seems gifted with peculiarly { destruc- tivo powors,” which ho has hired out to you nt mo'much per minute for the dsy, under the dosignation of “help.” Miss Four- ~vears-old has ot your fuvorite canaries fly away,. having opened the cage-door and let. tho little prisoncrs free. You had tamed thom 80 that, in the old place, they wore never confined, and camo ‘ack of their own accord; but this lacality is | strange, their natural instinct haye been dullod by confinement, and, bewildered by their now surroundinge, they usio thoir wings and are lost. Is she tho dainty littlo Miss whom you have al- ways cared for so particularly, -and who looked fresh and sweet as a rose in the morning ? For once in her life, sho has .. - : REVELED. IN DIRT, . . - and has comploted tho goneral look of. domorali- zation which she presents by breaking a flask of salad-oil over her, and deluging herself with the contents, while a stranga, Vflionfi cat, which ghe has caught, has scratched her cheek until the marks will last her lifo-time. . - You sre ready to cry with nervousnoss, fatirue, and voxation; but THE END I8 NOT YET. The furniture is all in the wrong place. The -Hibernian assistants havo left the barrel of coel which yoa pointed 6ut to thom to fetch; and in its placo have brought a barrel of ashes which stood beside it. You meetthem half-way u{ tho second flight of stairs, toiling along with it into tho &leeping-rooms, and, when you as) them what it is, the answer if, “Shure, mem, the barrel that yo towld us to fotcl ““Well, don't want it here; take it down stairs. Why, that wamn't tho barrel | What possessod you {0 bring that ashes up here?"” The answer is a grunt of amazement,—a -stupofied, insne look, ns they realize that they have mado o blunder, but an utter lack of comprehension as to Low the thing happened. You send them down stairs with it, and look about yon. i g EVERYTHING 18 HELTER-SKELTER, and nothing whero yon want it. Half your fur- niture is broken, and the other might a8 well bo, you think as yon contemplate it. You fully resclve that you will never move again, and your house does not seem half as nice in reality a8 it did prospectively. The Inst load has come, how- ever, and it is nearly nightfall. Everything is “damp from the rain, and there is & prospect for colds and coughs, which shall be & family ail- mont for eome time to-come. You hayo had some theological convictions also forced upon E:nr mind by the events of the day. You have como a perfoct convert to . TOTAL DEPRAVITY, . and doubt vory much if baptism does clonnse from origiual gin. The boys have holpe::gun to that conclusion, and you are determined that thoir holiday shall end at once, and they go back to school in the morning. A scream from below stairs, and you rueh down to find Your- years-old has finished the day, and nearly her- Belf, by tumbling down the &tops, and you are 1ad, when yon find the injury is not serious, it b “put in her little bed.”: Tho boys are almost tired into quictude, but an occa- eional ontbursat, like the last fizz or snap of the fow remaining Fourth-of-July crackers, remind You that they are not yet guito used up. At last, with such conveniences as you can ar- range, you go to eleep in the now house, realiz- ing that you have not carpet that will fit, that you are tired out, and that it will be weoks be- Fore you will got ‘settled down into rontine and comfort once more. Who wouldn't bo a frce- ‘born American, and move at least once a year? _—————— READING FOR THE SEASON. A Danbuary Maon and, His Wife Have an Encounter with the Family Stove and Piping--Tho Stove Comies Off Victorious. From the Danbury Neus. Putting up 2 stove i not so difficult in itself. It is the pipe thaf raises four-fifths of the mis- chief and all the dust. .You may take downa stove with all the care in the world, and have your wife put away the pipe in a secure place, and yet that pipo won't come togother agein a8 it was before. * You find this out” when you are sianding on & chair with your armms full of pipe and your mouth full .of soot. Your wife is standing on‘ the floor ina position that enables her to see you, the pipo, and tho chair, and here sho gives utterance to thoso remarks that are ‘calculated to hasten a man into the extremes of insanity. Her drees, is pinned over her waist, and her hands rest on her hips. She has got one of your bats on her head, and your linen coat on her back, and o pair of your rubbers on her feet. Therais about five conts” worth of pot-black on her nose, and & lot of flour on ber chin, and altogether she is & spectaclo that would inspire o dead man with distrust. And while "you are up thero.try- ing to circumvent the sawful contrari- ness of the pipe, snd telling that yom ‘Jmow some fool Las been mixing it, she stands safely on the floor, and bom- bards you with such domestic mottoes as: *What's the use of swearing s0?" * Yonknow 10 one haa touched tbat pipe.” * You sin’t got more patience than a child.” ‘Do be carefal of that chair.” And th+n-she goes off, and re- sppoars with an armful of mere pipe, and, be- fore you are aware of it, sho hes gof that pipe 80 horribly mixed up that it does seem no pieces are alike. You join the ends and work them to and fro, and to and fro again, and then you take them apart and look a them. Then you spread ona out and jam the other together, and mount thom once more. But it is mogo. You begin. to think the pieces are inspired with life, and sache to kick them through the win- dow. But she doesn't "loso hor patience. Sho goes around with that awfully axasperating rigging on, with a length of pigenndor cach arm, nnf‘: fi)ng—hnndled broom in her hand, and says she don't gee how it is some peoplo pever have any trouble putting np a stove. 6n you miss tho hammer. You don’t see it anywhere. You stare into the pipe, along the mantel, and down on the stove,and off to the floor. Your wife watches you, snd is finally thoughtful enough to inquire what you aro looking aftor, and on learn- ing, pulls the article from her pocket. Then yon feel as if you could get out doors and Ewear & hole twelve foet square through a block of brick buildings, but . sho merely observes: “Why on - carth don't yon epesk when you want wflfln , and not stare around like a dummy ?” When that part of the pipe which goes throngh the wall is up, she keops it up with her ‘broom, while you are making the connection, and staros at it with an intensity that is entirely un- called for, All the while your position is be- coming more and more interesting. The pipe don't go together, of course. The.soot shakes down into your eyes and month, the swost rolls down your face and tickles your chin as it drops off, and it scems as if &our arms are slowly but surely drawing out of their sockets.” Here your ‘wife comes to the rescue by inquiring if you are going to be all day doing mothing, and if you 1! hor arms are made of cast iron, and then the broom glips off the pip:{ and in her endeavor to recover her hold she jabs you under the chin” with the handle, and the pipe comes down on your head with its load of fried soot, and the chair tilts forward enough to .discharge your feet, and you come down on the wrong end of -that chair with a forca that wonld bankrupt & ile-driver. You don't touch that stove again. ‘ou leave your wife oxamining the chair and be- moaning its injuries, and Eo into the ' kitchen and wash your gkinned and bleeding hands with yellow soap. Then you go down street after a aan to do the business, and your wife goes over to the neighbors’ with her chair and tells about its injaries, and drains the neighborhood dry-of its sympatky long before you get home. Those Carpets. From the Gtica Heral The sunual ceremony of taking up,.and whipping, and puiting down carpets is upon us. It is one of theills which fleshis heir to, and cannot be avoided. You go home some_pleasant seems to have teken possession of b movables, - find " your kitchen-table, -~ your _drawing-room : cab- inet, -and your . French-walnut - chif- fonier in the " most democratic proximity. Nurae has boen pressed into the sarvice. and spring day, at peace with tho world, and find the beby with a clean face, and get your favorite udding for dinner. en your wife tells yon ow much younger you are looking, and says she really hopes ehe can turn that walking-dreas zhe woro Iast fall, and save the expense of o new suit, and then asks yon if you-can’t just help her about taking up the carpet. If you are 8 fool, and you generally are by that time, you tell ber of course you can, - just o well as not. Then she getda o saucer for the tacks, and ptands and holds it,. and you gof the claw, cnd get down on your knces pnd begin to help her. You feel gflito economical abeut the first thrae tacks, and tike them out carefully. and put them in thesaucer. Your wifa is good about holding the saucer, and be- guiles you with an intercsting story about how Efimvndghbor'a little boy is not’ expected to live miorning. Then you como to' the tack with s crooked head, and you get the claw under it and the head comes off, and the_leather comes off, and tho carpet comes off, and a8 it won't do to leave the tack in the .floor, bocauso it will tear the carpet when it is pui down again, yon go to work and skin ‘your knucklé, and got u liver under your thumb-nail, and tell your wife to shut up about that everlasting boy, snd mrke up your mind that it doss not maka any differ- enco nbont that tack, and 8o you begin on tho corner whore the carpet is doubled two or threo times, and hus been nailed down with a shinglo nail. * You don't care a continental about savin; the " nail, because you find that it is ot s goos time for the practico of economy; but you do foel & littlo hurt when both clauses broak off from tho claw, and the nail does not budge a peg: Then your menhood asserts itsol, and you riss in your might, and thirow the carpet claw at the dos, and get hold of the carpet with both hands, and the air is .full of dust and flying tacks, and thero is s fringe of carpef yarn 1l along by the mop-board, and tho baby crics, and the cat goes anywhere, anywhere oul of tho world, and your wife suys you ought to bo ashamed of “yourself to talk so, — but that carpet comss up. Then you lift one side of the stove, and your wife trics to get the carpot {rom under it, but can’t, because you are standing on it. 8o you try a'now hold, and just after your back broaks tho carpot is clear. You aro not through yef Your wife don't tell you any more little stories, ‘but ehe gots your old coat and hangs it on you, and gmothors you with the carpet, and opons the back door and 'shoves you out, and inti- matos that the carpot necds whipping. . When you hang the tormenting thing across the Clothes-lino the wrong way, and got it righted, and bLave it slide off into fhe mud, and hang it up again, aud get half & pint of dust an? threo ‘broken tracks snapped out of the northwest cor- nerinto your mouth by the wind, you make Bome gx<vation which you neglected to mon- tion whilo in the house. Then you huntupa stick aud go for that carpet. - The first blow hides tho sun _and all tho fair face of Nature belind & cloud of dust, and,right in tho contre of thet cloud, with tho wind square in your face, no matter how you stand, you wield that cudgel until both hands are bhstered and the milk of human kindness curdles in your bosom. hd You can whip the carpet a longer or shorter gefiad, ‘according to tho size of your mad; it on't make any differonce to the carpet, it is just s dusty, and fuzzy, and gencrally disagree- ble after you have whipped it two honurs Bs it wes when you commenced. Then you bandle it up, with one comer dragging, snd stumblo into the houso, and have more troublo with the stove, and fail to find any way of using tho car- pet-atretcher while you stand on the carpet, and 1ail to find any place to stand off from the car- pet, and you get on your knees ngnin while yonr ‘wifo holds tho saucer, and with-blind confidence hands you broken tacks, crooked tacks, tacks with no polnts, tacks with no heads, tacks with no}e:thun, tacks with tho biggost~end at the point. Tinally the carpot is down, and the baby comes Dack, and the cat comes back, and the dog comes back, and your wife smiles swootly, and saya she isglad that job is off her mind. Asitistoo Iate to do'anything elso, you sit by the fire and smoke, with the inner consciousness that you are tho meanest mon in America. The next day you hear your wife tell a friend that she is so tired ; she took up and put down that great heavy car- pet yostorday. _ Lo THE DYING STATESMAN. Mis Advice to His Son. - From the Sacranento Union, At the door of death ho lay with the 'shadows of the Biorras aoross his face. Ho sent for his 30n, and when his son came he eaid : My dear ‘son, I am soon to leave this life and go info that condition whore, to the unimagina- tive mind, all is unsurveyed and uncertsain. I am sbont to make an indefinite postponement and adjonrn sino die, and I have sent for yor, my son, that I may leavo to you, for your guid- ance whou my term of election is over forevar, and my return to my seat impossible, the sum of political and moral wisdom which has put upon my head the silver of years, and into my purse tho gold of the Government. My son, ‘It is the beat govornment that God ever made,” Striveto bo Ioyal to it—it pays, my son, it pays? ; You may be called-upon 2s I have Leea, to take part in conducting this great Government. You will find that the Government is ‘the pri- naries,” and “the primaries” aro mostly beer and whisky. 3 Before the primary meeting has assembled, you- will do well to “treat” ns many of the crowd os yon can; by any plansible excuse, invite them to tako something ;" dnd you will all en- deavor to become about as near half drunk as you can. _This is tho beginning of true pat- Tiotism. You will bo told that important stato matters require clear heads and clean hands; it is not 80, my son, True patriotism begins in a fuddle, and ends in & muddle to_all, save thoss Who take s money advantago of it. After ‘the “primary” of which I have just epoken is over, if your own party schemes have becn _successful, you will proceed with your fricnds to got drunk,and hurrah and tall an endless amount of patriotic love in a florid and rhetorical style. Tt your partyis dofeated, you will get drunk. with the other side to show that you are a clever fellow and not given to souring " over defeat; and you will bo careful to declare that you hope the best man may win, and that itisall in party, and that no power in the world can pre- vont 'you from supporting tho whole ticket, lot who will beonit. Say as often a8 you can —at least eyery timo you take a ' diink;” and if you can drink sa often as, or oftencr, than any voter at the * primaries,” and still walk home. unsupported, vowing to the stars your fealty to the ticket, your fortano, with a littlo tact and nn:r}ex‘me, is made. You have budded for s true patriot, You will now make judicious haste to sce each man who is elected by the ‘‘primaries” . to the nominating convention. You will invite, if pos- sible, each delegate to your private room, and be patriotic with each. “That is, you will order the *drinks,” and continue to tfalk and order tho “drinks ” until you have felt your man thor::fih]y and pat him to bed—drunk, Then you will have gonr head shampooed, take soma Bustenanco, snd away o fresh conquegts. Very much may be done in this way wher® all secms bad. Iwon my first nomination in this way, when the *primaries” were doad againat me. Jn‘.!rg“ 25 the rzg‘;:ver.lt‘lo!.lt i:hlbnnfi to uwmb:e u proceed, a8 af 0 “pfimm‘ ies,” to Tirons” gromybody, not forgotting the ontelders. Tor, if you eir hearts in your favor, their shout at the announcement of your name in the convention hsa a fine effect. 1 have known much good to bodono by this patriotic shout.of the people. Itmesna that you area clovaer follow, Eodfiliat the pooplo, whose nstincts sce always right, are fond of you. After this convention has adjourned, if your sido has won, you will .immedistely invite all partles to “drink,” and, amid the chinking of glasses and the rolling of tobacco smake, -you ill all, in o confased, diffusive, and gushin crowd, talk over the great and good day's work. If_you yourself are the principal candidate, you wfl.ly shake hands with everybody, and e & #drink” with. him. * He likes if. You will not be particular where you go or what you drink. You must, with gusto, pour down your throat anything that may bo sot out to you. To *go back " on yonr “ liker ” is not patriotic. In that fatal way my opponent lost his nomination in 1864. Now, my son, esy that the convention has nominated you—or what is more customary, say the convention has conferred umpon yom, throogh the power of their frec franchiso, this unsonght and never-to-bo-bought, high and sa- cred position—you will at once proceed to ride Your county, district, or Btate, and ‘‘drink” ith every man who a_vote orcan control one, You will *drink " with the old * drinkers™ out of respoct to them; you will *“drink” with men who never * drank” before because they respoct and sdmire you and your position. And, before I forget i& ‘my son, 88 1 am grow- ing weak, lot mo temind you to collect &' few choice stories—ritty, broad, gamoy stories, not above the most bratish comprehension. These aro vory usoful betwoen * drinks” to rest on, 2nd thoy canse people to remember you with ‘ploasure, A o > You will be told that, in all this, you arelower- ing the moral standard of the count but flnfi is impracticable advice. The “moral standard’ 18 for women and preachors; your businezs is with the ** party standard.” It is not for you to essumo an elovation and bessech the peple to come up, when the patriotic poople are winking to gon to come down and * treat” to tho cigars and wkisky. The Beripture says ¢ He that hum- bleth himself shall beexalted.” Humbleth your- gelf before the people! Berve them! Bacome their political bar-tender, and serve them! Servo them with becr and whisky | Lot them kmow that you are not proud—nothing mean about you. In this way, my son, “your calling and olec- tion's sure.” Ii may be a littlo hard on your stomach, but such ia the fate of patriots. Yon ‘must take mankind a8 you find them ; and you will always find more patriots with stomachs than with braivs. Btrive to be in yourself tho groatest good, and then follow the maxim, *The greatest good to the greatest number.” 1f elocted, 28 I doubt not you will be, you a8 soon as the returns sre all in and suificiently counted to assure your success, go with the whole crowd, with a burrah, to the nearest grogsho) and ‘‘treat” and get 88 rapidly and fool~ ishly as you can. You will mount tho counter of the shop, tramp trinmphantly among the tumb- lors—damn tho expense, make it all right in the morning—and haranguo the constantly-thirsty and_ever-increasing crowd upon the glories of our beloved country, - from the treason of Bene- dict Arnold down {o tho Pacific Ruilroad.. Yon will rofor to the fact that wa can whip all nations, particnlarly Great Britain. You \rfil ot last, a8 .youbogin to sober up & littlo, lower your voico 1o loving ond sepulchral whisper, and pay & tribute to our national banner and tho patriot fathers of the Ropublic—in which Iatter cata- logue, may I ack you, my son, that you will re- member me by saying, with tears in your eyes, among whom i8 numbered, I am proud to say, gentlemon, my roverend father, One or two campaigns like this will finish your apprenticeship to patriotism, but now, as”you will begin 0 bo noticed 1s o promising man, greator degreo of prudenco is advisable. All through your apprenticeship you will have observed to tell no fie. - The time to lie comes later in lifo. The people will not swallow = lie from & young man, knowing it to be such. Yon may bon fool aud a drunkard, and youmsy be ‘more than s besst among tho other gox, 50 long 8 you do not marry wherever you mark (that is poiygamy); you may bes gambler and o horse- Tacer, and also keep & fighting dog; but you must not lie until you are old enough and have camed sufficient fame to make the lie stick. A useless lio Is worse than an abstract truth, and to_es- ‘pouse either will rnin a patriot. Let your humble followers tell your lics for you, and leave ab- stract truths to philosophers, preachers, women, and editors. Let it bo the rule of all your life to attompt no good thing until you aro sure it will win, and then, my son, atudy to bo loudest and most enthusiastic in your advocacy. Always wait for the public voice. The nuj%a of public is your sovereign, and it is the. duty of-a courtoons and gallant knight to flatter his lioge. ‘This is true chivalry. You will have no opinion to cxpress on reli- ggious mattors, and, excopt in a goneral rhotori- cal way, will" avoid all mention of the public morals until the populace rise against some over- bearing ovil ; then, my son, be prepared to take tho lead witha firc and fury of righteous indig- nation which shall win golden opinion from all sorts of poople. Be careful to give something in a plossant, os- tentations manner, to all charitable institutiona aud petitions. I advise you to marry. Andlet your wife be one who may win to your side, or at lesat lend you tho oars, of a large and influen- tial class of church-going people; but you must bo very careful, until late in life, {0 be in no way committed to any matters of belief. Tobea believer is good in a follower, but your leadoer never belisves. S Asto cards—poker. No-true statesman in America,_plays soything but poker.. And if you will hand me a pack of my Congressional can‘{u— from escritoire—in the stationery drawer under my *frank ”—I will show you the best tricks in the patriotic game. But alas, my dear sou, you need not get them. I forgot, in the moment of bright memory, that Iam too weak—too wealk. 1 did hopo to show you the * committee ehufilo,” and the “appropriation draw,” but, alas, fare- well! Man's life is but s shadow. My son, my breath fails—I am faint—I cannot say much ‘more. _But there is a bright fature be- foro you. X shall leaye you means enough topué you above being & _‘‘cheap” man. And I hope, gince Thave pointed out to you the proper course, that you will invest your talonts and character in the Government 8o that the investment will pay—not the Government, but you. Now draw near to me, that I may plece my hand upon your head and confer upon you a father's dying benisor. Blees you, my son, vless you! Iboqueath toyou 'my interest And my soliciiude in ‘*the best Gov- ernment that God evermade.” Sand by the Gov- ernment, my son !—stand close to it—eling to it —ospecially to the treasury of the country. Therein are the solace of peace and the sinows of war. Wateh over u:cso—gnnxd them, and, if You can carry them home with you to love aud 10 cherish and, nlso— - Here hia jaw fell, his eyes set, and the soul of an American patriot statesman wended itas way to the Now Jernsalom, where the *Streots are pnveg with gold and corner-lots are open to loca- tion. —_————— BEAUTIFUL EYES. ‘Beautifal eyes—beautiful eses,— Deep and dark as are Bouthern ekies ; Blue as the violet that lies On the brink of some woodland fountan ; . Flashing ke dimples upon tho stream That flows by “The Took of the mountain. Boautiful eyes—besutiful eyes,— Holding forever some new surprice, ‘As the long lashes droop slowly, or rise, Giving ono glimpscs of Paradieo] © bonutiral gis1 | thon art falve, b faf Sunshine gleams over thy golden hai Smiles part thy red lips like Liousoms rare: Haughty and stately, and quecnly thino air,’ - ‘But thy heart is like Alpine fce. Did you ever thipk, when some tender word- Sped from your lips like a frightened bird, ‘How deeply somo waiting beart was stirred By that word no lightly spoken? Did you ever think of the puin that crept Into the heart where Hopo had nlept,— * Of fhie bitter tears that perchance wero wept Over the yow you bave broken? ‘Beautiful eyes, oh ! never again Can you hold ray heart with your subtle chrin; Never, with longings wild and vain, Bhall Jook in your deptha with a thrill of pain, To read the story that you might tell. Betniliel st o re Sare 3y i arewell—farowell. g GanNET B, FRezsux, FASEIOEN. o From the New York Eve: a - - Opera-glasses are now cams.:f en chatelaino by our belles. 2 —Ladies’ rainy-weathor round hats are now trimmed with Russia leather. —Marie Antoinette sleeves are mow worn in full dross. —The new bolts for ladics haye the buckles 8t eg.a b;d:, with a hoavy chatelaine-book at the right side. g —Feminine coiffares are drifting slowly back again to the old-fashioned chatelaing braids. —Amber jowelry is becoming vory fashionsable Idimin: it looks very woll with light spring 8608, i 3 —The lnet thing in Indies’ adornments s a cor- don of oxydized silvor hanging across the breast, with 5 heavy clasp at each shouldor. —Camping-out will be a most fashionable smusement next summer. Beveral large partics of ladies and gentlemen are already arranging for e s pelios present tho sppearanco of pouter —DOur belles present tho appe 1 ;:fhmevn-!, in ruffs of dimensions truly Eliza- —Tho *swollest"” things in the way of ac- ceptancos nnd rogrets are engraved after tho fashion of wedding-cards, with blanks left for name sod dates. p —In their costumes, our belles are ndapllns e oo g 3o sy s yraped i o We uay 5000 ex) ses them stiffest. lntmug‘mu the pencil of Holbein has bequenthed to posterity.. b i —Vory fashionable ladics find it imposeible to navigato Fifth avonue unless they arc towed by elaborately gotten-np Bpitz doga. A placard ou the breast, with g’ity tho blind™ gorgoously illuminated thereon, is the anticipated adjunct to promenade toilettes. (i P O CONSOLATION FOR. FOVERS. I wonld not livealways ; I ask not to sts: » 8 Where they move every ear on the firsé day of 31y The dreaded May-myrning. that comes every year, In enough for to mako ome git kively from here. T would not live always—who is there that wonld Where to move every yer is sccounted 2s good ; And to listen each year io the curses and sighs ‘That mingle when Msy-dsy dissolves the home-ties. I wonld not live always ; no, welcomo the tomb 3 For thero T shall find, at lcast, plenty of Toom, "With 1o rent to pay, 0o reancn fo fit; Nolandlord to telf me to git up and git. Cricaao, May 1, 1873. —John Van Dahm, of Fort Wayne, was play- ing with a pistol in his house, the other day, hen it went off and made an oyelet-hole in his hip., It he was fiamod Jones ho might be called Jomes fool; if his namo was Smith he might be called a Smith fool ; but nnhsppily his is an- other name.—Delroit Tribune. 3 “KENELM CHILLINGLY.” A Scéne from Lord Lytton’s I,l.xst Novel. - A Village Duel. [Kcnelm is on a tour of adventure in rural England, and gocs to work as a hay-maker for a farmer to whom he is unknown. Tho farmar says to him:] “Pooh ! I don’t want to know more of s man's affairs than he thinks fit to tell me. Stay and finigh the hay-making. And X eay, lad; I'm glad you don’t seem to care for the girls; for I saw a very proity one trying toflirt with you—and if you don't mind, che'll bring you into troublo. In fact, Josslo Wiles—that's Ler namo—is, I be- lieve, & very good girl, and everybody Iikes hor— perhnps a little too much; but {hon she knows she's & beauty, and does nok object to admira- tion.” ' "¢ No woman ever doos, whethor sho's a bsauty ornot. Bat I don't understand why Jossie Wiles should bring me into trouble.” * 2 “Decauso thereis a big hulking fellow who hns gone half out of his wits forher ; and when he fancies he soos any other chap too swoet on hor, he thrashes him into & jelly. Bo, youogster, you just keep your skin out of that trap.” s g “Hem! Andwhatdoes the girl eny to those Pproofs of:affoction ? Does she like the man the better for thrashing her admirers into- jelly 7" “Poorchild! No; she hates the very sight ofhim. But he swears she_shall marry nobody eleo, if ‘ho hanga for it. And to tell you the truth, I suspoct that if Jessie doos scem to trifle with others a little too lightly, it is to draw away this bully's suspicion from tho only man I think she does care for—a poor, sickly young fellow who was crippled by an accidont, and whom Tom Bosles could brain with his little fingor.” “Thig is reaily interesting.” cried Kedolm, showilig something like excitoment. ‘I should like to know this terriblo suitor.” *“That’s easy enough,” said the farmor, 1y, “You have only to take astroll with Jeeslo Wilos after sunset, and youll know moro of Tom Bowlea than you are likely o forget in a month.” 4 Thank you very much for your information,” said Kenelm, in a goft tone, gratoful but pensive. “I'hopo to profit by it.” Konclm mode no reply. Thoy both walked on in silence, and had now reached tho centre of the villago street, when Jessio, looking np, nitered an abrupt oxclamation, gave an affrighted start, and then cams tondead stop. Eenelm's eye followed the direction of hers, and saw, a faw yards distant, st the other sidoof the way, & emell, red brick house, with thatchod sheds ad- juining it, the whols standing in & wido yard over tho gato of which leaned nman_ smoking a emall catty-pipe. “It is Tom. Bowles,”: whis- pered Jossia; and instinctively sho twined her arm into Kenolm’s—then, as if on second thoughts, withdrew it, and eaid, etillina whis- per, ** Go back no, sir—do."” “Net I. It is Tom Dowles whom I want to know. Hush.” 3 _For here Tom Bowles had thrown down his pipe, and was coming slowly across the road toward them. Kenelm eyod him with attontion. A singularly powerful man, not so tall as Kenelm by some inches, but still above the middlo height, hercu- lean shoulders and chest, the lower limbs notin equal proportion—a sort of slouching, sham- bling gait. As.he edvanced, the mwnfjgm fell on his face—s handsome one. He wore no hat, and his hair, s light brown, curled cloge. His face was fresh-colored, with aquiline features ; his sgo apparently about six or seven and twenty. ‘oming nearer and noarer, whatever favorabie improssion the first glance at his physiognomy might bave made_ on Kenelm was dispolied, for the expression of his fac changed, and became florce and lowering. Konolm was still walking on, Jessio by his: side, when Bowles rudely hrust himself beiween them, and seizing tho girl's arm with one hand, ho turned his face full* on Kenelm, with a menacing wave of the other hand, and said in & deop, burly voice,— *¢Who be you?" “ Let go that young woman beforo I tell yon." 4If you weren't a stranger,” answorad Bowles, uemin? as if ho tried to suppress a rising fit of wrath, “yon'd be in the kennel for those worda. But I s'pose you don’t know that I'm Tom Bowles, and I don’t choose the girl as I'm aftor to km?' conmpany with any other man. Bo you off. #And I don't chooso any other man to sy vio- lent hands ou eny girl walking by my ide with- out telling him that he's a brute ; and that I only waib till Lie has both his hands at liberty to let I:m;’l;I know that he hn_‘not & poor cripple to deal with." Tom Bowles could scarcely believe hLis ears. Amaze swallowed up for the moment every othar sentiment. Mechanically ho loosened his hold of Jessie, who fled off liko a bird released. But evi- dently she thought of hor new friond’s danger more than her own escapo; for, instead of shol- tering herself in her father’s cottage, sho ran to- ward & group of laborers, who, near at hand, had stoppea loitering befors the public-house, and re- turned with thoso allies toward the spot in which she had left the two men. Bho wagvery popular with the villagers, who, strong in tho sense of numbers, overcame their awe of Tom Bowles, and arrived at the place half running, half striding, in time, they hoped, to interpose be- twaen his terriblo arm and tho bones of the un- offendin, atrlng:s Moznwhile Bowles, baving recovered his first astonishmont, and scarcely noticing Jessie’s escape, still lefc his right arm extended toward the place nhe had - vacated, and with aqnick back-stroke of the left leveled at Kenelm's faco,growled contomptuonsly, Thow'lt find one hand onough for thee.” But, quick as was his aim, Kenelm caught the aplifted arm just above tho elbow, causing the blow to ‘waste itaolf on air, and, with a aimulta- neous advence of his right knee and foot, doxter- oualy tripped up his bulky antagonist, and Inid him sprawling on his back. The movomont was 80 sudden, and tho stun it occasioned so utter, morally a8 well as ph,?icnflg, thet & minute or ‘more elapaed before Tom Bowles picked him- gelf up. And he then stobd another minute glow- «ring at his antagonist, with a vaguo sentiment of awe almost like a superstitious panic. For it is noticeable that, howover fierce and fearless a man or even & wild beast may be, yet if either Das hitherto been only familiar with victory and triumph, nevor yet having met with o fos that eonld cope with its force, the first effect of a de- feat, especially from o despised adversary, un- hinges and half paralyzes the whole nervous sys- tem. But as fighting Tom graduzlly recovered to the conscionsncas of his owa strength, and the recollection that it had been only foiled by the skillful trick of & wrestler, not the hand-to- hand might of a pugilist, tho panic vanished, and Tom Bowles w2s himsclf again. “‘ Oh, that's your sort, is it ?” said he, *Wo don't fight with our hcels hereabouts, like Cornishers and donkeys; we fight with our fists, youngster; and since sou will have a bout at that, why, you must.” * Providence,” answered Kenelm, solemnly, « gent mo to this villago for tbo express purpose of licking Tom Bowles. It is & signal mercy vouchsafed to yoursolf, s you will one dsy no- knowledgo.” L Again o thrill of awe, something liko that which the demagogue Aristophanes might have folt when braved by the sausage-malier, shot through the valiant heart of Tom Bowles. Ho did not like those ominous words, and still less tho Ingubrious tone of voice in which they were uttore But resolved, at least, to proceed to battle with more preparation than he had first designed, he now deliberately disincumberad himself of his heavy fustian jacket and vest, rollod ap his_shirt-gloeves, and then slowly ad- vanced foward the foe. Kenelm had, also, with still groater delibera- tion, taken of his coat,—which he folded up with care, as being both s Aow end an_only one, and depmmd:g the hedgo-side—and bared arms, lean, indeed, and almost slight as compared with the vast muscle of* his adversary, but firm in sinew o8 the hind leg of & stag. By this time tho Iaborers, led by Jossie, had arrived on the spdt, and were about to crowd in between the combatante, when Kenelm waved them back and said, in a calm and impreseive voica: +Stand round, my good friends, mako & ring, ond gee that it is fair play on my side. I am sure that it will be fair on Mr. Bowles'. He's big enongh. fo scorn what if littlo. And now, 3r. Bowles, just & word with yon in tho pres- encs of your neighbors. 1 am not going to say snything uncivil. If you are rather rough and | heity, a man 18 not always master of himself— at least 8o I am told—when he ¢! more than he onght to do about a pretty girl. But I can't Iook at your face oven by this moonlight—and, though {te expression at this moment is rather cross—without being suro’ that you are a fino {feliow st bottom. And that, if you give a prom- ise as man to man, you will keep it. Is that assent; tho others pressod around in eflent T hataall that eoft sywdcr sbot 2 nt's: soft-sawdor about 7 Bowles, somewhat falteringly, £l T * Simply this: If in tho fight botween us T beat you, I ask you to promiso beforo your neighbors that you will not, by word or doed, moleat, or interfers again with Miss Wiles,” 3 “?Eh 1" roared Tom. *Is it that you are after her?” “ Suppose T am, if that pleases you ; and, on. my side, T promiso. thot, if you beal me, I quit this plece a8 8con as you leata me well onough to do 8o, and will never viais it again. " What ! do i’afl hesttato to promise ? Are you really afraid shell lick you 72 ; 5 “Yon ! I'd smash n dozen of you to powdor.] In that caso you ara 3afe to promise. Come, *ts a fair bargain. Isn't it, neighbors 2" Won over by Kedelm’s easy show of good tem- r, &nd by the senso of justice, the bystanders joined ix & common oxclamation of assent, ** Come Tom,” eaid an old fellow, * the gontle- ‘man can't speak fairer; and wo ghall all think you be afeared if you hold back.” - : Tom's face worked; but at lsst he growled, *Woll, I promiso—that i, if he beats me.” “ All right,” snid Kenelm. * You hear, neigh- bors; and Tom Bowles conld not show that hand- 80mo face of Lis among you if Lo broko his word. Shake hands on'it.” i . Fie'hfing Tom snlkily shook hands, - *ell, now, that's what I call English” eaid Eenelm; ‘““all pluck and no malico. Fail back, {riends, ard leave a clear-space for us.™ ° The men all receded ; and as Kenelm' took his ground, thero was a supple easa in his posturs, which 2t once brought out into clearer evidence the norvous ma:]f‘th of his build, and, contrast- ed with Tom's bulk of chest, made the intaz_look clumsy and top-heavy. i The two men faced onch otler o minute, the * eyes of both vigilant and steadfast. Tom’s blood bogaa to fire up £a_ke gazed—nor with all his outward calm, was Konolm insensibla’ of that rond beat of.the heart which is' aroused )y -the florce jog of combat. Tom struck out first, and "a blow was parried, but nob returned; snother - and _ another blow, atill parried, still unreturned. . Ken- elm, ‘ncting ovidently on the defensive, took the advantages for that strategy which he derived from suparior length of arm and lighter agility of frame. Perhapsho wished to ascertain the extont of his adversary’s exill, or to try the en- durance of his wind, before he ventured on the hezards of attack. = Tom, galled to the quick that blows which might have felled an ox wWere thus warded off from their mark, and dimly awaro that he waa encountering somo mysterious skill which turned his bruto strength into wasto forco, and might overmaster him in the long run, came- fo & rapid conclusion that tho’ sooner bo brought that brute strength to the better it would be for him.- Accordingly, sfter threo rounds, in which, withont once breaking the guard of his antagonist, ho had raceived & fow playful taps on the nose and mouth, he drew back and made & bull-lke rush at his foo—bull-like, for it butted full at him with the powerful, down-bent head, and tho two fists dal:fiduty 8 horns. The Tush ‘spent, ho found himself in the position of s man millad. I take it for granted that every Englishman who can call himself a man—that is, every man who bas boen an English boy, and, a8 such, beer compollod to the use of his fists —knbws what o “mill" s Bub I sing not only ‘“prerls” but ‘ivirginibus.” Ladies—“s mill” ' usiog, with relact- ance and conteipt for myself, that slang, in which lsdy-writors_indulge, and girls of the period know, much better than they do their Murray—‘‘ a mill"—speaking not to lad; writers, not to girls of the period, but to in- nocent damsels, and in explanation to those for- oigners who only understand the English lan- gusge as taught by Addison and Macanlsy—a " mill” periphrastically, means this: Your ad- versary in the noble encounter between fist and fist, haa 80 plunged his head that it gets canght, as in‘u&v!ss’,d between the side ‘ntdh d?gbkd eft arm of the edversary, exposing that head, un- protacted and helpless, tobe pounded out of rec- ognizeble shapo by the right fist of the oppon- ent. 1t is situation in which raw mseriurity of force sometimes finds itself, and is seldom spared by disciplined superiority of skill. Kenelm, his right fist raised, paused for a moment, then loos- ening the left arm, releasing the prisoner, and giving him a friondly slap on the shomlder, he tarned round to the spectators, and said, apolo- getically, ** He hns & handsome face—it would be = shamo to spoil it.” 5 Tom's position of poril was 80 obvlous to all, and that good-humoéred sbnegation of the ad- vantage which the position gav0 to the adversary seemad 80 goneons, that the luborers actually hurraed. 'Fom himsolf felt rsif treated likoa child; and alis, and olas for him! in whaeling round, and regathering himself up, his eyes rest- ed on Jessio's face. Her lips were apart with Dbreathloss terror; he fancied they were npart with s smile of contempt. And now he became formidable. presence of the heifer, who, es he knows too well, will go with the conqueror. If Tom had never yet foughs with o man taught by a prize-fighter, 80 never yot had Eenelm en- countered » strongth which, but for the lack of that teaching, wonld Lave coriquored his own. Ho could act no longer on the defonsive; he could no longer play, liko a dexterous foncer, with the sledgo-bammers of thoee mighty jarms. They broke through hig guard—then sounded on his chest 23'on an anvil. He felt that did they slight on his head he was a lost man. He felt algo that the blows spent on the chest of his ad- versary were idlo as.the stroke of & cane on_the hide of a rhinoceros. But how his nostrils dila- ted, his eyes flavhed firo—Kenelm Chillingly had coased to be n philosopher. Crash came his blow—how unlike the swinging roundabout hits of Tom Bowles!—straight to its aim as the rifle~ ball of a Tyrolese, or & British marksman at Al- dershot—all the strength of nerve, sinew, pur- ose, and mind concentrated in its vigor—crash just at that part of the front whero the eyes moet, and followed :g with the rapidity of light- ning, flash upon flash, by a more restrained but more disabling blow with' the left hand just where the left ear meeta ihroat and jaw-bone. At the first blow Tom Bowles had reeled and staggered, at the second he throw up his hands, Do Jnp in the airas If ahot through s en hesvily fell forward, an- inert heart, and mnse. The spectators pressed round him in terror. They thought he was desd. Kenolm Imelt, ‘passed quickly his hand over Tom's lips, pulse, snd heart, and then rising, said humbly and with an air of apology : “ 1t he had boen aless magnificent_creature, T assure yon on my honor thet I shouldnever have vontured the second blow. - The first would have done for lnmm less splendidly endowed by na~ tare. Lift him gently ; tako him home. Tell his ‘mother, with my kind regards, that T'll call and see her and him, to-morrow. And stop, docs he ever drink too much beer ?” dr;;;"gn," 8aid one of the villagers, * Tom can “I thought so. Too much flesh for that mauscle. Go'for .the nearest doctor, You, my Ind 7—good—off with you-quick! No danger, but perhaps it may be a case for the lancat.” ‘Tom Bowles was lifted tenderly by four of the stontest men present and borne into his home, evineing no signs of consciousness ; but hia face, where not clouted with blood, very pale, very calm, with a slight froth at the lips. Konelm pulled down his shirt-gleaves, pat on his coat, and turned to Jessio: ) N'?W, my young friend, show me Will's cot- e, L 'he girl cams to bim white and trembling. ke il potdars to spade. Ths wiinges bad become a new man in her eyes. Perhaps he frightened her a8 much as Tom Bowles had done.” But sho (L\fi::kcnsd her pace, leaving the public- ‘house behind, till she came to the farther end of | the village. ) —_— SOLOMON RAY. A liard, clos man was Solomon Ray ; Notbing of valus ho gave away ; ‘He hoarded and saved, ‘And he pinchod and stiaved 3 - And the more he had, the more he craved, so?” One or two of tho br-standers murmured The hard-earned dollara he toiled to gain Brought him Httlo but care and pain ; For little he spent, And all that bo lent ‘He made it bring him twenty per cent, Brsmenmnte, 7 iin chotks grew thin : 124 And his heart within - Grow hard aa tho dollars ke worked fo win, Bat ho dled one day, a8 all men must, For life is flesting, and man but dust ; And tho heirs were gy That Iaid him away ; This was the end of Solomon Bay. They quarreled now, who had litle cared For Solomon Ray while his lifo was spared ; iz lands were solt And his hard-earned gold ALl went to the lawyers, I am told, Yet men will pinch, snd cheat, and rave, Nor carry their treasures beyond the graves § 4 .7 T All theiz gold, somo day, Will melt away, Liks the sclfish savings of Solomon Bay. - Evemxz 3. ingular Cause of Fire, A legal gentleman, in oneof our large Eastern cities, upon snu:ringflhis office one summer morning, found the loose papers ca his table Jessie |., Ho fought as fights the bull in- just starting into o light flarse, which surps him greatly, s thare was 00 fire in the ror that timo, " neithor was it appsrent how ! could hate ignited from any oriernal ths windows being closed. Thia happe soveral mermings in succession, but ono dx; axzived at his offico carliar than usual £ tho rava of light in tho same mannerasa b ing glags, aud with sufficent power to paperina few minntes. Tho dangerons { a8 ot once removed, and with it the canse : * mysterious conflagration. HUMOR. ‘The Indian Question—* White man goiii mm ?” t —Why is a Indy crossing tha Atlantis lixe foreman of a faciory ? auso she's 2o 0% f sgea-her. —Adyertising does pay. A Hampshirc C ass.) farmer, who has advertised his aitng to have fod ont 100 barrels of oals to horsos of persons who bave besn to sea placo. : from the Soldiers’ Home, in Medison, W all tho hons then simest at be thy conmt, —A little lady in Scheneciad: word toher aged P. in New Yor! beexcused from writing a longer -lctter. hiad spent a very restlees night with a sick d: —A Chinege scrvant was bronght homo Dy. gentleman of the house, and his miatre: ed_his name ; * Yung Hoo Win." * O sho, *Icannot call you that, I will Charley.” * What's your nama?" he return. *3My namo is Mra. John Bro ; leeue, X calle you Johu!" exclaimod tl:¢ ial, = E A sentimental youog man thus feelingly. pressea himself: *‘Even Natare benevo! the roge with thorus: does sho en i Women with pins " ; —The new dictionary will define delirinm! mens as a tight fit. —Quin's afm-thonxihe was 3 happy one, wl- | after telling Lody Berkeleyshe looked es bix i ingas the p: remembared the s3: was anything bright one, and addod wish the spring rcould 160k 1iko your lads=hiz —At o late Conferonco session a ci g‘a\'o a roason why the Baptist Church ig li eaver’s hat : * There is only one entrance’ and that is under water.” 3 —A local paper wares ita fair rcaders that sidowalksin Omaha abound in holee *tho of & lady's foot,” and in another column rec that aboy 6 years old foll into ono of them other day. —This motto stands at the head of the Aly % (Ga.) News: 4 1t 15 not rank, nor birth, nor statc, Bat the get-up-and-get, that make3 men grez: —The Australisns never sue for divo ' ‘When s husband gets discournged, ho takes ! wife to the brow of a cliff to view tho gorge : sunset, and over she goes. * A —A rotired sea Captain, who had mado tour of continental Europo and tho Holy Lz was ssked how he was_improssed by his Jerusslem. * Jerusalom,” said ke, *¢ ‘meancst place I over visited! Thoro is nc drop of liquor in the whole town fit to drink." —A young poet onceaskod Douglass Jeroh . s & candid criticism on two of his proc ions. Jerrold waited rather impatiently w ! his tormontor had concluded reading tho {': poem, and then quickly exclaimod, 1 like y. . other pocrn the best.” ~ *‘ But you have not he itread.” ¢ That is why I prefer it.” —An inquirer after scientific information | Concord, N. H., rocently asked an apothccs | S Whst is this ‘now dissnse—thia Carro-Gor: final-Macginnie—the papers esy somnchabou * . —A Kaneas district 6chool was recently visi and addressod by Mesars. Big Mouth, Posw .—— Face, and Spotted Wolf—all the noblest kinc: noble red men. A mischievons school 1. and remark : * Ugh! too much flee bite. stay to hear class In Analytical Geology." he loft. —TUsatul Ekster (10 OTNamental Sister, wh been bewailing the dullness of har existence st hour)—* Bolls, you're the most egotis cresture 1 ever met in my life!” Bolla always gots out everything with a Joke)—* W Jane, it I sm egotistical, at all eventa it's of ‘abont myself!” —Recently & minister concluded hi a8 followa: * But T hoar tho rustling of the pews, ns if soma of the Iadics wero impa o leave ; I will, therefore, say God bless you :* —A young Iady of this city was racently strt. - with the usclesances of har life, and irame ately went to work with vigor to learn plain s¢ ing. At Iatest dates she had hemmed one nide a towel, which the proud parents lave fram and huhg in 8 congpicnons position in their | - lors.—New York Mail. B —An Oregon paper refers to a new editor o 3 rival sheet 88 & * young gentleman of fru; mental cflvldg." —The New Hampshire youth who sent his & 1ar for a * wonderful discovery” for enticing f, to bite, Teceived by retarn mail 2 lithograph r resenting an ancient fisherman aslaep on a 1 with the simple word * Patience" in large lett ; npl?i‘.l his hat. Underneath, * Fifty thousa * sold.” 2 —Tho other morning, a tolerably well dress but wild-oyed, gentleman called Mayor Macs loy to one gide, in the City Court-room, and ho_wanted eomething dome with his “ What's the matter 7 inquired His Ho: ¢She keeps giving me pills,"” was the reply. wouldn't take 'em,” 6aid His Honor. “I ca @ help it,” said the injured husband; *‘sho gi ’em to me when I'm u]nu?fl'» “I'dweara zle,” said his Honor. 'The injured hus started. He hadn’t thought of that.—Ind apolis Herald. —Here i8 8 new atory of Charles Dickens : Oxford undergraduate, with the natural mode: of the race,sent to the editor of Houschi Words, at the end of the Crimean wzr, & copy!: vereos on the return of tho Guards, with note:- *Bir—Understanding that - you . rhymos in your serial, I send you some,” which Dickens answored: *‘Bir—Wo don't i': sart rhymes withont reason.” —Two French Iadies wero looking for tho tle dnughter of ono of them in a group of ba': carriages. *‘ Do you see him 2" asked the fri of the mother. “*Him?" Iam looking for nurse.” “Her nurse?” *Yes, all childr . lookallke. I kmov the nmrse, and T can find ¢ child best in that way.” ¢ As for myself: think all tionnes look alike.” ** How do you Jouss, thenz” 40h, I know the soldier wi er bean.” 2 —The reputation of members of the Legi ture for sobriety seems to be rather bad in Ké. tucky. Two of them were rathor noisily dru? on & railroad train the othor day, and when t conductor remonstrated, one of them ) ssked: “Do you mnot kmow, .eir, that I a member of tho Legislature?” The condn: quietly replied, ** You've in: the symptoms.” —A brilliant instance of joking under dif ties lately occurred at Red Bluff, Cal. Tho jok! | was M. J. Donohue, whose span of life had be| limited by duo process of law. He came to ¢! scaffold in buoyant spirits, and seemed to be & lighted with the prospect of gesting out of £ world s0 soon. His remarkable gayety cot pletely unnerved the Sheriff and the twenty | thirty friends who werse to see him off. W tho Bheriff put the noose ovor Donohue's hed' he turned to the officor with a bland smile, af’ eid: “I gay, Bleath, can’t you put that und my srms?—I was always. ticklish round neck.” “These were the humorist's last words.{ —There was.an elderly gentleman wending & way to the barber-shop, Bsturdsy aftenrao] Coming from an oflnuiw direction was an u} shavenman. The shop Iy between them. Ti: unshaven man quickened his step; the elder! man struck into s trot. Then the unshaven stopped to look into a window, and tho elderi; man came back to s walk. Up started the u}} shaven man again, and the olderly man recamd Bl trot. The anshaven man ance more alacke ) ed up; o did the elderly man. Then the wuff shaven man quickened his gate, and the eldargf ‘man once more struck into a trot, and reachd: the door panting and puffing &8 tho unshe: man went by. And yet women are dissatisfic with thoir sphere.—Danbury News. i —No cloud go dark that thero is_not light b. father was. * Dead,” responded the youny g tleman; amiably. % Whore's your mother “ Run away,” he answered. i3 intarlocutor eased sympathy, and observed that he must fef* lonesome. Did this intsresting chil wipe the e3¢ of selfish sensibility at this speoch ? No; his n ture ran In broader, moro humsnitarian, nii’ artistic channels.. His youthfnl, noblo countdi nanco glowed and brightened, and pn_exuit smile piayed upon hialips. The purest, sweef. est dreams of his early years, and tender antick ations of tho-faturo, mingled in that smild onesomo? *Noba bit of it,” exclaimed ti 3 ‘brave boy. * there's goin' to be tho biggest ~ ¥ cus here noxt month you ever set ever ‘There is o striking resomblance in chade tween this’ true-hearted mih puger dis- child, who, on being told that £ 18 nursed at 8ea, burst into tears, remslt8 ‘Process of best jack-knife with him.” onah never owmed ? 3