The evening world. Newspaper, January 5, 1914, Page 14

_ for the business, and this is a political job. Mr. Murphy put me in| _ this job—Jooe Murphy from Troy.” = Pati HES eee e ¥ «d 6 Evening World Daily Magazine. The Day eee MI azo. haere BY JOSEPH PULITZER. Company, RALee ou lare Provident, 63 haa, Row. PULITEER: J Park Row. Sr. sBecretary 63 Park Row, ce Ryy,7 York as he es Matter, The Evening |For Englan: ton Continent and ‘Werks for the United States International ‘Year. Mont rc Postal Union. . sevee $9.8 VOLUME 54........ cc cece cece cece cess eeeeee es NOL 19,129 — — HOW DO WE MEASURE? HIS is how New York State roads are built, according to the T testimony of Columbia County farmers who described to Com- missioner Osborne what they have seen with their own eyes: Having contracted to build a concrete road for the State, the contractor's first care is to persuade local interests to get the contract changed to specify crushed sione at the same price, The gift of a pair of fine horses to an influential farmer often helps to turn the trick. The contractor then cute down convenient trees to fill in the bottom of his “crushed etone” roadbed. Subsequent layers of rotten sandstone will probably keep the brush from aticking up through the top of the road—if not, no matter. If the steam roller cannot level big stones at the top, holes dug in the surface will bury them. After all, what's a puddle? When completed the job must pass inspection, ‘The road in- @pector is a man who stands around with his arms folded emoking a pipe, and who takes week-ends from Wednesday to Monday. His duties? “Oh, well, I just walk around. I am a tailor and too old ‘4 Seven miles of this kind of highway stand the taxpayer about 978,000. And history has often sized up the civilizglion of a community opty the state of its ronda! ny When directors have lost their sense of direction isn't ft up to stockholders to open their eyes and march out of the \ ——- 1 -_—_. ESPECIALLY THE MAGISTRATES. UTOMOBILES killed three hundred and two people in the streets of this city last year. An avetage of practically one victim for every working ought to be enough to shock even the most fanatic of our motor worshippers. One hundred and forty-nine of the slaughtered children. Let us see to it that this sacrificial record of 1913 marks the ling point in our blind adoration of the auto. ‘Thanks to the new traffic regulations, December saw a falling off “og motor car accidente—thirteen less than in the preceding mptness and deapatch with which every crim- Lin speeder frocaee ike himeelf gathered in by the police, tried and in jail, the better the effect 8n the fatality figures for 1914. It is up to the police and the magistrates. Did Now Jersey coast dwetlers need such grim reminder that the cands at best are but fair weather sites? tr —____ DR. WEIR MITCHELL. O DIK at eighty-four after a busy, productive life that bore "+ im ite prime fine fruit of science and long after middle age * kept on flowering with delightful literary abundancy of imagi- and wisdom is given to few men, De.. Mitchell’s contributions to the study of nervous- diseases him high among scientific workers of. this country and of world. “Hugh Wynne,” published when he was sixty-nine, is the best-loved of the novels which put him among the favorite tere of America. | Bis historic sense was of the happiest, his sympathies and inter- et Nos. 63 *| AT THE BILLS. sa LIVELY, WE DON'T WANT MISS THE Tango DINNER Erses, yluigrne 02. Core Non Vosk tre sé OW, f tell you aris N whispered Dr. Gilbert Gumm, ae, after taking from the men's dressing room the overcoat he liked the best, he stole down the after Mins Irene Cackleberry. ‘We'll awipe Jack Hilver's racing car and give him innumerable, his wisdom kindly and palatable. ‘I'o the very last ate of his life his mird was a keen and persistent force in science afin letters, |his bodily prescnco a sturdy and inspiring example i Pas and young. of ‘feahionable poet who used to be asked to dinner a good deal] Ancient Rome once penned some rather pert advice about “un- the old horse with timely consideration and good sense.” 4 Wa can see Dr. Mitchell amiling at Horace. ———=+ ‘ ‘ At the very moment when Dr. Elliot, president emeritus ef Harvard, wants to change the name of “God,” who, he elaims, is “now recognised chiefly in the wonderful energies ef sound, light and electricity,” the Church of England is thundering alarms and warnings because a handful of its mis- alonaries in ® desolate corner of Africa consorted and com- funed with Methodists, Baptists and Presbyterians. To produce its best results the spirit of mankind has to be es daring as © mountain lion and as cautious as an cl It must be as free and untrammelied as the wind and fal and conscientious a» a child listening at its mother's ———<¢ PUBLIC PESTS—NO. 8. EB Man With a Rage for Regulating His Friends. There are people who will never be friends with you unless they can run you. ~ ‘What you shall eat, what you shall wear, whom you shall see, how ye shall conduct your business—all these things the born regulator upon himself with alacrity and enthusiasm. His conversation consists chiefly of “Do this,” “Try that” and guarantee that so and so is just what you need.” ‘Whenever you meet him his main interest in you is to hear how ‘working. You are valuable to him as long as you do as 7 he has got you tunning according to his schedule, m to ene he tires of you ani bogins te regulate somebody else. yy often mean wel!—these regulators, Good intentions, Must have more lives than a cat.—Hos- ton Transcript. Slander in not volcctens, even at the now whispered that Robert Lou's Stevenson parted his hair in the middle.—Columbla Btate. . eee ‘The Roman virtue of Brutus punishing hia gon Was reversed iately in West Virginia, where a magistrate fined grandfather for getting drunk.—Ba more.American, ee Will somebody tet! ue what has be- come of the old-fashioned girl who used to make her sweetheart @ Christ- an present of a pair of velvet slippers mt—New Wanted—To learn a gracefit! quick- step for dodging the income tax.—Mii- waukee News, ; You can’t avoid duty by taking a by- path,—Chicago News. oe In Pennsylvania a minister was eaved from death by a Bible carried in his pocket, At the mame time it ts reported sonie 400,000 Bibles were disposed of in New York last year, Our provincial metropolitans a) vidently donning armor against the gunmen.—Cleveland Plain Dealer, Jer accuses Boston 10 talk on but sia toplcs--the weather, divorce, Christian Bclence, the ra: roblem, the civil war and evan Augusta Ghronicle, Dr. Woods Hutchinson comments odie - the secret of baldness when everybody knows baldness can't be kept © cneret.~Clavelaga Plain Desien A Baltimore tr women of being Conyriglt, 1914, by The Prem Publishing Co, (The New York Kreving World) of Rest Your, BREAKFAST CAP ‘Ss hag AS rial No CREAM No SUGAR, But PLENTY‘oF TANGO. Go DINNER. aon iS OUT Set RE TINS SIIABAAAAMALAALAAAAAABAAA BABIN S Mr. Jarr Assists in Of a High-Power Racing Auto| PKK LNT KKK KCC KK EC KK KK KK EK eK KK eee racer?" car!" gushed Miss Irene Cackleberry Being @ regular ur uncon Patsy Bol- {as the guardian of the car trotted off to liver, however, Mr, Jarr did not make|Gus's place. ‘And she clambered into the scathing reply he thought of when|the car. “Why, it's like sitting on the too late. No; he followed Dr. Gilbert she remarked, “the seat is 80 Gumm and Miss Irene Cackleberry down the etaire and away from Mrs. Jarr’s high society tango dance and reception and the spiked claret punch. Close to the curb stood the great gray machine, Walking up and down bes'de it was a thickset, dark skinned young man, “Is that the Jap valet Sukkotashi?" whispered Dr. Gumm, “Get him away. We've come down to give Jack's racing car the once over," Dr, Guimm added aloud, “Must be Suikotash! a cott-r and let, him go to Gus's and get a hot Scotch.’ Such {a the power of the initiative that Mr. Jarr yleided up the dollar. He afterward remembered that Gus's pop- ular price for hot Scotches was 15 cents. “Oh, I'm Just crazy to ride in a racing art her up, Jarr, old fellow!" a the affable young dentist as he @lambered over the low freeboard of r. “Do you know how to run it?" Mr. Jarr, dubiousty. ‘Me?"' replied the painless extractor. “There jan't any kind of machinery I | don't know all about. Did you ever see me run @ dental engine?" “Well, throw in the self starter,” said Mr, Jarr, but his heart mii him, ‘It won't work,” replied » Gumm. ‘Crank her over for me, old top. Hurry, ked Who has ever tried to c and twenty horse-power car atood in the cold for several hours? Mr. Jarr, lke the big booby that he afterward sald he was, got hold of the Copyright, 1914, by The Jess Publishing Co, (The New York Evening World), HEN marriage 1s merely a matter of money divorce is merely @ W matter of time. When a girl dresses in the perfectly frank and undeceptive fashion o! the period she apparently forgets that a man doesn't fall in love with his eyes but with his imagination, Extracting a proposal from a man is getting to be almost as diMcull as extracting a tooth—one has to draw it out of him when he 1s totally unconscious, and then show him the preofs when he revives, No man can understand the shock a bride recelves when she discovery that she is expected to live up to a role that is half angel, half cook and social butterfly on the aide. Tell me a man’s opinion of women and I'll tell you the kind he pursues. , . The modern man dodges a helpmate, marries a playmate and then spends the rest of his life in the search of a soul-ma‘ Every Woman yearns for real love, but a good imitation will usualiy satisfy her—provided a man is careful to keep up the “Y{mitation” from the first ve to the last, A little “absent treatment” now yw and then {fs the beat tonic for dugal love, oF deine tpreated teat by Mauricé Ketten NOW For The Mipniant TANGO SUPPER ct AT THE SWIFTS ca eaanananaaananll ay Little C auses Of Big Wars' By Albert Payson Terhune. Consright, 1914, by Ths Prees Publishing Co, (The New York Evening Word), NO. 34.—A Squabble Over a S| the thirteenth century. casks. Cask of Water That Ledeto Wars. AILORS from two ships landed at a seaside spring one day late tn One band of sailors was Englist, the other Norman-French, The men had rowed ashore to fill water The English and the French had long hated each other. And now, when each band claimed the fi there was a quarrel. There wi it water cask that was filled at the spring, plenty of water for all. There was plenty the two bands for each other blotted out all sane reasoning. Hot words over the cask’s possession led to blows. In a few minutes the two gangs of sailors were pummelling cach other all over the beach. Then knives were drawn, A French sailor was stabbed to death, His comrades ran for their boat, piled aboard and rowod out to their ship. Mad for reven, ‘ eld London merc The Fight on the Beach, @ . ® act, confilet. every Englis Frenchman he met. Soon there were fice Nights between Channel ships. vessels joined in the wholesale quarrel, and Italian crews with the French, sea were riven up to a series of nautical » the French ship's captain attacked the first Britieh merchant vessel he chanced to meet. He seized its owner—a peaceful ant—and hanged hin from the yard. arm. To add to the insult to the English nation at large, he hanged a mangy dog alongside the Englishman. Instead of wiping out a grievance byt this abominatle the captain: had merely started a long and bloody For the story ran from one English waterside tavern to another and sailor seemed to think it ii Dounden duty to attack the first, Crews of other nations’ Duteh sailors siding with the English Commerce was halted, And Channel and battles, The climax came in 1293, when eighty English ships entered a harbor and there atacked and smashed a Norm: The king of France demanded Edward do pennance for hin of forty days, Edward consented, but utterly refused to return the forfeited duchy. crossed to France to win it back, had to check the French war stles, make a truce with the King of French fleet two hundred strong. atisfaction for this, Englgnd was also lord of the French duchy of Guienne. King Edward 1. ef France demanded that lors’ violence by giving up Gulenne for a period at the end of the forty days France Ledward raised an army and burst forth In Scotland fter a few jinimportant France and (losing ail present hope of rerovering Guienne) hasten back to the British Isles and cope with his rebellious subjects there. |reaching result, For the A Triumph for the Pe 5 | Sawnnnrannancny, expect the people The upshot of Possible henceforth for an English king mighty triumph for the plain people. Domestic “What on Earth?” CENE: The Bron- son flat. Time, 8 A. M. Mra, Bron- son at head of table, doing the customary matu- tinal juggling with the coffee outfit. She is pretty and fresh and wholly unwearled, Enter, a horrible figure that hobbies along like a blend of the Miss- ‘d the Miser, y—What on earth, a sos the Theft starting crank and with a mighty effort turned It over. “Spin it! Spin i!" cried Dr. Gilbert Gumm, impatiently. ‘Just turning it over once won't start It!" “Yes; why doesn’t he start asked Mins Irene kleberry impatiently. “The Japanese t may be back any it. Oh, dear! Why Is he so stu- Mr. B—Lemme be! All I ask is chance to sit down somewhere and put my feet in my lap and pet them while I hear their side of the story. Mrs, B.—What on earth?— Mr. B—You lemme be, I teli you, 1 never knew I half so many feet. Gee, but I'd buy a framed testimonial for the guy who'd teach me to walk on y hands! I'm going to sing a lullaby my feet if I can get ‘em to stop aching a minute and listen to me, She meant why was Mr. Jarr so stu- pid, Mr, Jarr wasn’t stupid, but he was no Sandow. Yet under the eyes of the vcofting Miss Cackleverry Mr. Jarr would not let any one think he couldn't start an automobile, especially as Dr. it. Gilbert’ Gumm, the demon dentiat, puffed at a good cigar which he had deftly culled from Mr. Jarr's upper left waistcoat pocket and regarded the latter's herculean labors at the crank with airy contempt, “Kany does it, old top! Easy does it! Spin it ‘round! advised Dr. Gumm. If the crank had been detachable Mr. Jarr would have plucked it off and rained the demon dent: eit was he made one wore mi effort, and then, with @ roar and a splutter of sparks, the engine burst into a loud series of explosions, and Mr, Jarr found himself lying on the curb against the lamp-post. The high powered engi had “kicked back.” People butt things all tangled up?" And as he accidentally hit the awitch of the self-starter as he went to get out of the machine tho engine started again | —thin time in the right direction, And the last Mr. Jarr saw of Dr, Gilbert Gumm and Miss Irene Cackleberry, to- Wh they only get Don't be a measly cuckoo clock with near-Swi trimmings; but rift soinething Mra, B—Well, | Mr. B.—Thanks for them kind words, They help a lot. I knew if I appea! Duck | Help! Mra, B.—What on eartht— Ing. I just stood on 'em both at the qame time. They aren't used to It. No and-cream with a little chaser of laudanum, cause you happened to dance a few times last night—— you've been hectoring me and nagging me for months to go to your dodgasted went, didn’t 1? And my feet—— M H.—Why don't you bathe them Mr. B. ne the poor things would Thus the quarrel over the cask of water led not only to a war but indirectly ‘to three wars—in France, Wales and Scotignd, It had another and more far- ish people protested against the heavy taxee needful for keeping up these wars. They declared through certain nobles that a king had no right to involve his nation if war for the sake of his own glory and then to pay the bill, this protest was a law making it im- to raise money for any pu out the full consent of the people's representatives in Parliamei They won more thereby than could have’ been gained for them in a dozen spectacular wa Dialogues By Alma Woodward. Copyright, 1914, by The Pres Publishing . (The New York Evening World), drop off if I touched ‘em, Well, I went to the dancing club, didn't 1? And I learned’ those fool dances you're crazy over, And I danced ‘em, rn } NOW look at met Mrs, B-You seemed to enjoy them. You danced atl evening. I- warned — Mr. B.—Danced? Call- that dancing? We did real dancing in MY dancing days. Walts nolkas, —_galops, chottishes, two-steps, the York, and— idn't I dance all right last night? Mra, B.—Why, yes. You— Mr. B—I did not. I Graeco-Roman wrestled. That's what I did. That's all the new dances are—a cross be- tween catch-as-catonh-can and the Struggle on the Cliff. And that in- human dance with the @ip in it! What (ye miscall it? ‘The Kitchen Sink? Knees don't dip enthusiastically after forty. . Mrs. B.—I warned you to be careful I told you the tango was no dance for an elderly man. Mr. B.—No, and the grizzly dear te no dance for an elderly bear, for that matter. Any bear that was forced to do it could get redress from the'6, P, A. Whereas, I— Mrs. B. (seeking tactfully to change the subject\—Here's a letter from Rosalie, She wants us to run out there for the week-end, Mr. B. (howlng)—"Run out? RON? I'll be playing in egregious luck if I'm ever able to walk again Lemme see her letter. (Snatches it and reads, At the end Is the following postscript: “We're planning a dance for Saturday night. We're just daffy over the new dance Mr, B—Tell her we'll go, Mra. B.—You—you can't have read the postscript. Mr. B. (grimly)—I ald. we're going. Mrs, B.—But you're poor ? Mr, B.—The tango's done a lot to my poor feet. But it's nothing to what it's done to my poorer brain, I'm bitten Sy it Just as badly as the rest of you, Feet or no feet, I've got to do it. say “No!” But my head And maybe by Saturday able to Invent a Crutch Gilde. Tell her we'll g Mr ‘Thate why What on earth? — ether with the 120-horse-power racing ‘ar, the machine and occupants turning the corner at Gus's by a short cut over the sidewalk that drew Tony's! dootblack establishment from its moor- hgs and out into the centre of the ave- nue, With a roar and a clatter the racing car Ged on, Cackleberry's of delight ringi he lay by the lamp: the stars the “kick bac Hee, “Where did dey go wit! wied a hoarse voice. “Ah, Gukkotashi, the Jap valet! Jack Sitver's Jap valet!" murmured Mr. Jarr. “Jap nix, valet nuttin’, sheriff w te four-flush rept, times you the deck and see if you can't think of Cyril, and— to your tenderer side— Wow! Mr, B. (sinking into his chalr)—Noth- coffee, thanks. Gimme some morphia- Mrs, B.—If all this silly fuss is be- Mr, B.—"Happened?” It was because old dancing club with you. Well, I in hot water, and— What of the C fronted, mith a Vat of Sontetiea for (00 eifrevention of 7 ‘as They Are.) HEN earth's ise wrong has been And earth's last evil been done; ‘When earth's last sinner benighted Has turned to the light of the sun— | on! what shall they do with their morn ings, And what with thelr afternoo~s,— These folk with thelr sorrowful warnings ‘And doleful reformative tunes? and counted caused him to de boat?’ When the dirge has been played for the tango ‘And the bunntest hug is hugged out; When the turkey trot'’s gone where it can 69, *Way up the oblivion spout,— Oh! where shall they find occupation? ‘Where tasks for their feverish handa? ‘What joy shall the width of creation ‘Afford to these betterment bands? tango party was at ite height, _————__ HORRIGLE HAZING “Have you heard what Mabel's frater- nity @id to her?" terrible initiations, I um-| When the last gambler’s graft has been yielded, “Protection” no more has a price, And the last Jewless bighball’s been tab nine ns censors, | Then? Copyright, 1014, by The Press Publishing Co, (The Now York Evenirg World), To crack of the post-midnight toe— ‘Oh! what to All hours that are dragging Shall our burdened vice censors fina? What fresh form of curative ni Shall buay Sir Fix-tt, his mind? When dead Is the last flaw When scandal'a a thing welt forgot, When Prudence allies with Dame Fashion And marriage no more goes nd toh Oh! whe for our social debat. Shall furnish w paipitant theme? On what food shall our problem-abaters Still nourish thetr night rarish dreame? Tathat day when the world spélie gem fection, When banished are hunger and qxtety When life, an \ goatee ton, Bhall match eed with rel May it not be, aside from (neon tone, ings, ij Almost worth our while to be gee®y With the censors and ali their ‘noms ings Quite lost in the virtuous wooae cd