The San Francisco Call. Newspaper, August 7, 1904, Page 6

THE SAN FRANCISCO SUNDAY CALL. . 1~ ,_' < ‘\ o AN T7ZAY HAD ALIIOST NOMITYNATFLD Hi79 TVAHLDV 1715 BWIFE CAME [N AN OHRAGGED 77 AWAY FR7T TIT7R7ATIN - (Copyright, 1904, by McClure, Phillips & Co.) E'VE tol’ me who ye ar-re with fr prisidint,” said Mr. Hennessy, “but who ar-re ye goin’ to vote f'r fr vice-prisidint ? “I haven’t med up me mind,” said Mr. Dooley. “They’re both good an’ great men. Hinnery Gassaway Davis is a fine ol’ Virginian (West) gintleman. Through his middle name he is related to"Willum J. Bryan an’ he is father-in- law of another gr'reat man, Sinitor Elkins. Mr. Davis is eighty- wan years old and has forty millyon dollars or is forty millyon years old an’ has eighty-wan dollars. I'm not sure which, but annyhow th’ figures passes belief. He is a good man an’ it is thought that his ripe ripe judgment and his still riper fortune will add gr-reat strenth to th’ ticket. I'see in th’ pa-pers that he looks twinty years younger thin-his years an’ I'll bet that befure th’ campaign is over he’ll feel three millyon dollars younger in his bank roll. “Th’ Raypublican candydate is th’ Hon’rable Charles Fair- banks, who hails fr'm Injyanny. Hence th’ wurrud hail. He has almost th’ same qualifications f'r th’ lofty office fr which he has been unanimously choosen be th’ threasurer iv th’ campaign com- ity. He is not quite th’ statesman that Hinnery is. He misses it be about thirty-nine millyons. Still, he has enough to do his jooty worthily through th’ campaign. Sinitor Fairbanks has a fine war record. He served throughout th’ rebellyon as a cashier to th’ First Naytional Bank iv Terry Hut an’ has iver since given most iv his time an’ labor to his counthry an’ his counthry’s rail- roods. He is sthrongly in favor iv presarvin’ th’ goold standard an’ as much iy it as possible. Hinnery Davis doesn't care so much about goold. He has all kinds. An’ there in a few well chosen wurrds, Hinnissy, is th’ bio-graphy iv th’ two men, wan iv whom will sarve this counthry as vice-prisidint f'r th’ nex’ four years in Washin'ton an’ th’ other will sarve it jus’ as much be stayin’ at home. “It’s sthrange about th’ vice-prisidincy, Hinnissy. dincy is th’ highest office in th’ gift iv th’ people. dincy is th’ nex’ highest an’ th’ lowest. It isn’t a crime exactly. Ye can’t be sint to jail f'r it, but it's a kind iv disgrace. It's like writin’ anonymous letters. Whin Sinitor Elkins is asked about his father-in-law now he shakes his head an’ says: ‘We don’t speak iv him anny more in th’ fam’ly.’ At a convintion nearly all th’ dillygates lave as soon as-they've nommynated th’ prisident for fear wan iv them will be nommynated for vice-prisi- dint. They offered it to me frind Joe Cannon, an’ th’ language he used brought th’ blush iv shame to th’ cheeks iv a naygur dillygate f'm Allybamy. They thried to hand it to Hinnery Cabin Lodge an’ he wept bitterly. They found a man fr'm Wisconsin who was in dhrink an’ had almost nommynated him whin his wife came in an’ dhragged him away fr'm timptation. Th’ way they got Sinitor Fairbanks to accipt was be showin’ him a pitcher iv our gr-reat an’ noble prisidint thryin’ to jump a horse over a six-foot fence. An’ they on’y prevailed upon Hinnery Davis to take this almost onequalled hono: be tellin’ him that th’ raisin th’ Sage iv Esoopus didn’t speak carlier was because he has weak lungs. “Why is it, I wondher, that ivrybody runs away fr'm a nommynation fr vice-prisidint as if it was an indictment be th’ gran’ jury? It usen’t to be so. I've hollered mesilf black in th’ face fr o’ man Thurman an’ Hendricks iv Injyanny. In th’ oi’ days, whin th’ boys had nommynated some unknown man fr'm New York f'r prisidint, they turned in an’ nommynated a gr-reat an’ well-known man fr'm the West fr vice-prisidint. Th’ candy- date f'r vice-prisidint was all iv th’ ticket we iver sec durin’ a cam- paign. Th’ la-ad they put up f'r prisidint stayed down ecast an’ was niver allowed to open his mouth except in writin’ befure wit- nesses, but th” candydate f'r vice-prisidint wint fr'm wan end iv th’ counthry to th” other howlin’ again th’ tariff an’ other im- mortal issucs now dead. I niver voted f'r Grover Cleveland. 1 wudden’t vote f'r him anny -more thin he’d vote f'r me. I voted Th' prisi- Th’ vice-presi- f'r o' man Thurman an’ Tom Hendricks an’ Aldy Stevenson be fure he became a profissional vice-prisidint. They thought it was an honor, but if ye'd read their bio-graphies t¢ y ye'd th’ end: ‘Th’ writer will pass over th’ closin’ v iv Mr. Thur man’s career hurriedly. It is enough to say iv this peryod that afther a lifetime iv devoted sarvice to his statesman’s declinin’ days was clouded be a gr-r become vice-prisidint iv th’ United States. . Oh, how .much bet ther ’twere that we shud be sawed off arly be th’ “at Death thin that a life iv honor shud end in ignomy. ble thing. I read in th’ pa-aper four years ago: ‘Foul I'haydore Rosenfelt. Platt an’ Hanna schame T him prisidint.” I r-read th’ other day: ‘Attack on Joe Cannon. O proposes him f'r vice-prisidint. Cannon pleadin’ with his to save him.” Bimeby whin th’ campaign comity runs sh funds they’ll raise the wind be goin’ around and threatenin’ ph thrycrats with th’ nommynation. Ye'll hear people say: “That boy will come to no good end. He will be vice-prisidint.’ “If ye say about a man that he's good prisidintial he’ll buy ye a dhrink. If ye say he’s good vice-prisidint ber, ye mane that he isn’t good enough to be cut i ye'd betther be careful. It's sthrange, too, because job. I think a man cud put in four years comfort if he was a sound sleeper. What ar-re his jooties, s 3 durin’ th’ campaign he has to do a good deal iv th’ rough « side wurruk. Th’ candydate f'r prisidint is at home picki th’ big wurruds in tl’ ditchnry an firin’ thim at us fr'm ti time. Th’ candydate f'r th’ vice-prisidincy is out in Ioway fr'm th’ back iv a car or a dhray. He goes to all th’ ¢ an’ wakes an’ appears at public meetin’s between a corne an’ a glee club. He ought to be a man good at repartee. now hohored (be some) prisidint had to retort with th’ very that since have signed th’ Pannyma canal bill to a Ce gintleman who accosted him with 2 scantling. An’ [ well mimber another candydate, an” a gr-reat man, too, who repl a gintleman in Shelbyville who made a rude remark be threa him as though he was an open fireplace. It was what I calls a. fine cut an’ incisive reply. Yes, sir, th’ candydate f'r vic prisidint has a busy time iv it durin’ th’ campaign, hoppin’ { town to town, speakin’, shakin’ hands with the popylace, wi him Hal or Charlie, dodgin’ bricks, fightin with his au an’ diggin’ up fr th’ fi-nance coomity. He has to be af al man. He must be a good speaker, a pleasant man with th a fair boxer an’ rassler, something iv a liar, an’ if he’s a R lican campaignin’ in Missouri an active sprinter. If he has thim qualities he may or may not receive a majority at th’ pools, an’ no man will know whether they voted for him or not. “Well, he's ilicted. Th’ ilictors call on th’ candydate f'r prisi- dint an’ hand him th’ office. They notify th’ candydate f'r vice- prisidint through th’ personal columns iv th’ pa-apers: ‘If th’ tall, dark gintleman with hazel eyes, black coat an” whit was nommynated at th’ convintion f'r vice-prisidint will headquarters he will hear iv something to his advantage.’ buys a ticket an’ hops to Wash'nton, where he gets a good room suited -to his station right above th’ kitchen an’ overlookin’ a woodyard. Th’ prisidint has to live where he is put, ' prisidint is free to go annywhere he likes where they : partickler. Th' constichoochion provides that th’ prisidint have to put up with darky cookin’, but th' vice-prisidint mitted to eat out. Ivry mornin’ it is his business to call White House an’ inquire afther th’ prisidint’s health. that th’ prisidint was niver betther he gives three chéers an’ de- parts with a heavy heart. Th’ feelin' iv th’ vice-prisidint about th’ prisidint’s well-bein’ is very deep. On rainy days he calls at th’ White House an’ begs th’ prisidint not to go out without his rub- bers. He has Mrs. Vice-Prisidint knit him a shawl to protect his throat again th’ night air. If th’ prisidint has a touch iv fever, th’ vice-prisidint gets a touch iv fever himself. He has th’ doctor on th’ 'phone durin’ th’ night. ‘Doc, I hear th’ prisidint is onwell, he says. ‘Cud I do annything fr him—annything like dhrawin’ his salary or appintin’ th” postmasther at Injyannapolis? It is principlly because iv th’ vice-prisidint that most iv our prisidints have enjoyed such rugged health. Th’ vice-prisidint guards th’ prisidint, an’ th’ prisidint afther sizin’ up th’ vice-prisidint con- cludes that it wud be betther fr th’ country if he shud live yet awhile. ‘D’ye know,’ says th’ prisidint to th’ vice-prisidint, ‘ivry time I see you I feel tin years younger.” ‘Ye'er kind wurruds, says th’ vice-prisidint, ‘brings tears to me eyes. My wife was sayin’ on’y this mornin’ how comfortable we ar-re in our little flat.’ Some vice-prisidints have been so anxious f'r th’ prisidint’s safety that they’ve had to be warned off th® White House grounds. “Aside fr'm th’ arjoos duties iv lookin’ afther th’ prisidint’s health, it is th’ business iv th’ vice-prisidint to preside over the de- liberation iv th’ Sinit. Ivry mornin’ between ten an’ twelve he swings his hammock in th’ palachial Sinit Chamber an’ sinks off into dhreamless sleep. He may be awakened be Sinitor Tillman pokin’ Sinitor Hoar in th’ eye. This is wan way th’ Sinit has iv deliberatin’. If so, th’ vice-prisidint rises fr'm: his hammock an’ says: ‘Th’ Sinitor will come to ordher.” ‘He won’t, says th’ Sini- tor. ‘Oh, very well, says th’ presidin’ officer, ‘he won't/ an’ dhrops off again. It is his jooty to riggrousl_v enforce th’ rules iv th’ Sinit. There ar-re none. Th’ Sinit is ruled be courtesy, like th’ longshoremen’s union. Th’ vice-prisidint is not expected to butt in much. It wud be a breach iv Sinotoryal courtesy f'r him to step down an’ part the Sinitor fr'm Texas an’ th' Sinitor fr'm Injyanny in th’ middle iv a dcbagc undher a desk on whether Northern gintlemen ar-re more gmtlex:nanly thin Southern gintle- men. I shudden’t wondher if he thried to do it if he was taught his place with th’ leg iv a chair. He isn’t even called upon to give a decision. All that his grateful counthry demands fr'm th' man that she has ilivated to this proud position on th’ toe iv her boot is that he shall keep his opinyons to himsilf. An’ so he whiles away th’ pleasant hours in th’ beautiful city iv Wash'nton, an’ whin he wakes up he is eyether in th’ White - House or in th’ sthreet. I'll niver say annything agin th’ vice-presidincy. It is a good job and is richly deserved by ayether Hinnery Gassaway Davis or Charles Fairbanks. An’, be hivens, I'll go further an’ say it richly desarves ayether iv thim.” “Has th’ candydates accipted th’ nommynation f'r prisidint > asked Mr. Hennessy. “No,” said Mr. Dooley, “th’ comities haven't made up their minds whether they will give th’ dimmycrat nommynation to Ro- senfelt an’ th’ raypublican nommynation to Parker, or vicy varsy. It don’t make much diff'rence annyway.” at sorrow call So he