The San Francisco Call. Newspaper, March 27, 1904, Page 15

THE SAN FRANCISCO SUNDAY CALL. MINISTER and his wife insist that they heard an angel's beautiful Wonder what they had been But, wait a , it may have been only the mebdbag irinking over night? When the bonds of rimony become frost-bitten hard work to tha 7 out again. = * 1 not chinge places with a n were thrown in with diges . * . htiet than the sword. What's the er and a woman's tongue? . .l hinks a half a dozen wives an casy to the wail of the mother- must be deaf y let clews alone and settle not have to puzzle over so Oh, my! That story ugh to lose a half million 1 not sense enough to be . * . on 2 with the cold cilessly egged on that they very iness at the same old stand. B » . went strike fe, but his sweet content de- test spring hats ought to find six inches of ) should prové to A man wants 2 woman to look like an angel, and yet if she really ran around clad in her wings and a lit- tle rag of cheesecloth he would put her in an insane asylum. - - - murderer of ambition. Necessity is the X e e Link your life with a snail and ydu will travel at a snail’s pace. * - . There is a wide margin between being cute and playing the clown. CUAT T ST Please; where is the glory of living a century? An animated mummy is not pleasant to gaze upon, and the majority of us find it hard enough having to rub through half the time. « s = Calve, the divine, fainted on the Metropolitan Grand Opera-house stage, New York, from a toothache. So pro- saic! Any old frump could have a toothache. « - %@ ‘The man who boasts of never having done any wrong is too good to be any good. = - - hing If the grass widow, the sod widow and the bachelor gitl form a Leap Year combination the poor mere man will know that dear old Bob Ingersoll was way off when he put hell out of business. - - - _ .Some people are so chesty that they ought to have two humps like the dromedary. - - . Some women know too much; others get married. S ile .» Why are there more bald heads among men than among women? (Echo answers: Find the woman.) - - - Never do anything that you can find any one else willing to do for you—that is, if you do not want it done. s 4 Even the woman most anxious to trespass upon a man's preserves lets him enjoy his bald head in peace. The most advanced woman would never stand for a ing like prestige. bald head. - - - even if the lid is on. All winter long the frisky bliz Has tended to the blizzard biz! g, he gets mar- (To be continued.) and his affinity R P Love always bears its own trademark, P iw e oman can pay a man Tom, Tom, the piper’s son, Stole a pig and away he run * Perhaps poor Tom had ne’er been caught > cradle often fills it with Had he for a moment thought own heart. That when a man his trolley slips, - Or when he lies or steals, art of rself awfully No business should he ever have y % With any pig that squeals. - — e ~ & MAN WHO FORGOT HIS OWN DANGER SIGNAL. 3 o | { ks = e 4 B yn a time there was an old & Getoutski Upon scating himself in the private pride, time, energy and bodily Hhealth. couched in such tender and affectionate phrases that of the name of Cyrus office beside Cyrus, Katchemstein announced that he “Sir,” said Cyrus when the lawyer had eased up fora their meaning could not possibly be mistaken.” Trimmers, who had the game of had been retained by Miss Letitia- Larimore to enter reply, “this is nothing but an outrageous attempt to “It is false, it is false, sir. Every word of it. I have finance down pat. He was the boss hydropath of Wall street. knew exactly to hrough a how Cyrus a withering security 11 of Dry-rot and code look like a joke book fresh from the press. Cyrus was such a wonder at the game that he was made president of several Billion Dollar Trusts, which him in pretty close touch with an income of about seven thousand simoleons per second and caused the common people to Qelieve that he was just the foxiest proposition that ever happened. That’s how strong Cyrus was with the inside push. Although Cyrus had salted away several vaults full of anti-Bryan coin and was old enough to remember a good deal about what took place way back in the early forties, he did not slow down one bit in his pursuit of the mazuma. pull at the same time make the crimal G The subject upon which the smooth citizens had set views was women. He was, so he said, utterly un- able to see how any man could let a woman trespass far ugh upon the corporate limits of his mentality to cause him to lapse into a bug-house condition, According to his way of thinking, the only way by which an option could be secured on a woman’s affec- tions was by writing her a lot of slush-gush-mush in nursery dialect. It was, he alleged, past him to see how man could become ass enough about a female to 1 of his pro rata of horse-sense and descend mellifluous melange. Further than that, he argued that it was bum business policy for a man to get reckless with the pen unless he knew for a dead moral certainty that he wasn’t running any fisk. Cyrus said that he had, in the recent past, met a little creature of the name of Letitia Larimore whom he rushed for several weeks before side-stepping. And while he had written her several timies during that period, he had not spilled, on Irish linen, any of the soft stuff that makes the spiller look like a dub in the eyes of an innocent third party. He laid particular stress upon the fact that while Tetitia worked in the chorus to support a widowed mother, she was thoroughly inexperienced and a most estimable child. Their parting, which had not been entirely unmixed with tears, was due solely to the fact that he was too busy keeping tab on the market to give her the time she deserved. One morning, shortly after Cyrus had emitted a rather lengthy installment of his views on the subject of emolliating epistles, he was visited by Mr. Katchem- tein of the law firm of Katchemstein, Soakemharder &) \'= = Y Y N suit against him for the moderate sum of $50,000. The action was based upon a breach off promise to marry the aforementicned Letitia Larimore. Katchemstein said the sum demanded was exceedingly small in view of the fact that failure on the part of Cyrus to make good had injured the prospects of the unsophisticated and confiding child, caused her to suffer untold humilia- tion, mental anguish, deprivation from other oppor- tunities to enter the marriage state, great loss of self- hold me up. I have never entertained the slightest idea of marrying this person whom you represent. I never proposed marriage to her. MNever, never, never. It is preposterous. 1 not pérmit myself to be flim- flammed by such a designing ‘creature. I have made no promises to her. It is extortion. I defy—" “But, Mr. Trimmers, while you may not have, in many words, asked this splendid young lady to become your wife, your létters to her have been will so Damsel Who Used a System to Her Sorrow X3 + | i | L NCE upon a time there was a wee little dark-eyed damself of the name of Lu- cille. She was intensely homeopathic in dimensions. Fact highly concentrated that when inclosed in a tailor-made she looked about as voluminous as a nickel’s worth of radiun.). Her mother had money. Lucille was desperately in love with a six-foot shine. She' simply adored him. The petite always do warm up to the ponderous. Shine didn’t come back very strong with the cardiacal regard, but as Tootsie was bohemian enough to come across with the price while the waiter was getting the finger bowls, he refused to tie a can to her. For this Lucille was ever so thankful. She was easily encour- aged. She reasoned, that while there was life there was hope. In the course of time Lucille met a live one. His name was Ollie. According to the new entry’s.way of thinking Lucille was exactly the party he had been look- ing for. He wasted no time telling her so. And he didn’t stop at that. He wasn’t that kind. He believed in the theory that wherever you plant your heart you must empty your purse; wherefore the many messages bearing bon-bons and blossoms addressed to Miss Lucille. Lucille was rather favorably impressed with Ollie. She had a sneaking idea that he would be a splendid fellow to fall back on if Shine shoyld, in the end, escape. She didn't love Ollie—that was a cinch. At the same time she wanted to hold him in reserve. She believed in carrying a reserve fund. But how was she going to do it? If Shine ever heard of Ollie all bets would be off. Of course if Ollie ever heard of Shine it wouldn't be quite so bad, for he was in love. When a man is'in love is, she was so — he doesn’t believe everything he hears. It was up to Lucille to take chances. She would have to resort to the Block System. That is to say, she would have to spread her dates and play both ends against the middle. Which is exactly what she did. The system which she installed was a ecorker. When Ollie had the right of way, she would ’phone Shine that she had a dreadful headache and that he must not think of calling, for if he did mamma would bg simply furious. To guard against a misinterpretation of signals she would make Track Walkers of her kid brothers and keep them on the lookout until Ollie had gone. 1f Shine was scheduled to arrive, Ollie would get a tender littie note to the effect that mamma was not at all well, which made it utterly impossible for Lucille to see him that evening, even for a tiny moment. The strain upon the child was something frightful. If while making herself solid with one, the door bell hap- pened to ring Lucille would grab the smelling salts for fear that it was the other on a special run, For some time she had each guy thinking that he was the sole and only. She put it up so strong that each imagined that when he was not on the spot the poor little thing was playing solitaire to pass the time away. One night the inevitable occurred. There was a wreck. Lucille had given Shine the right of way, but neglected to sidetrack Ollie. , ¢ Just as Shine arrived at the door he was telescoped by Ollie, who came in under full headway. When Shine recovered from his astonishment ‘he threw open his valve and remarked that he would not stand for a girl who was not on the level. Ollie came back with a state- ment to the effect that he felt the same way about it. As they locked arms and headed for the nearest Repair Shop, Lucille called for the eau de cologne and fell in a heap. 5 Moral—A reserve fund is not always what it is cracked up to be. 7220 O ) R~ N AS A S22 Ry o e tile el @i e 2 A0 N M) SN N NN NS written no such letters as you describe. tions have always been formial. Exceedingly formal” “Mr. Trimmers, I do not: like to reflect upon the memory of a person of your high standing, but listen to the wording of this one for instance:” My Own Precious Darling: I am stealing a tiny moment from the heavy grind to inform you that I may be as much as three minutes late to-night. The market is very uncertain to-day and I must be on my guard. But light of my lifs I will be with you as soon as possible. You know that. Don't you, my own sweet one? Now be patient, dearest, and when I come I will bring to you hugs and kisses and— “Read no more, Mr. Katchemstein. I have heard enough. It is possible that an evil-minded person may place a wrong construction upon that letter and as I am too busy to go to court I will give you my check for $5000 rather tham put you to the trouble of filing suit. That is, if you return my letters.” “Mr. Trimmers, I could not think of accepting such a trifling amount. Why, sir, it would be doing my little client a great injustice., Just listen to this letter. You sent it by special delivery: “Sunshine of My Life: Expect me early to-night. I am dying to see you. Dearest, if you only knew how much I love you and how hard it is to stay away from you for a wee little bit of a moment, you would be —" . “Don’t read another line, Mr. Katchemstein. Let us settle this little matter for $10,000. What do you say to that?” “Mr. Trimmers, you are a fine man and I would not for anything in the world permit my client to be unreasonable in her demands. But I cannot conmsider $10,000 for a moment. Why I have gone to great ex- pense having copies of these letters made for the news- paper reporters who are waiting at my office “for them, and—" . “Say, old man, I'll make it $15,000 if you keep it out of the papers.” “Couldn’t think of it, Mr. Trimmers, couldn’t think of it.- Why let me read to you this letter which—' “No, no. Just tell me what is the least you will take.” “Well, being it is you, will meet you half-way and accept $25,000.” . “Will you promise to keep the whole matter quiet, old fellow?” “Upon my word and honor as a gentleman, I will” 3 you're on. Here is my check. Let me have those ers.” * Moral: Every man believes he is the innocent party until he feads the evidence. Copyright, 1904, by Oliver Victor Limerick. My communica-