The San Francisco Call. Newspaper, January 10, 1904, Page 13

THE SAN FRANCISCO SUNDAY CALL. 13 § HEN girls osculate on the street unc-, tuously it’s time to issue a search war- rant. There is something hidden up the sleeve. . - - The average woman would rather be stylish than good. SRR e not know what she is talking about, N\ but she never knows when to stop all the same. c - - * * ment is simply a question of price, R A A woman m A woman’s judg o not of quality 4 N * * ove most deeply say the least about it ated fool who bubbles and babbles. . » * bands of some women it t powers to figure out the figure that bound the contract. * * . s go broke. kes every-d people sick to hear at riches. g old k spots it's ot tie up to Singers for the s themselves the opera. 1s with her smiles zy man ‘ustle. parted some good 1 recour ing their one else does not me people would er she has kissed bef. e man hoards hi EVf | ALEC AND | HIS COUNTRY COUSIN : occupation and amusement con isted in burning large r holes in the - el ght air ong Broadway He was the ? original rounder. What he didn't v about the old town after the lamps were lass police ¢ lighted wouldn't have aptain’s report, and the Dr. Parkhurst ade even a fir hings that he di ow would in good spirits for at least three sermons, two inter- views and a letter to the Mayor. According to his own account of the matter he was one of the most prominent discouragers of the overproduction of spirituous liquors in the borough of Manhattan. Half the chorus girls on Broadway c d him by his first name and any nighthawk in the tgnde could take him home at 2 o’clock in the morning hout looking in his inside pocket for his card. His htly course down the Rialto was barked ' a broad trail of empty bottles and hiccoughs and his a had a funnel around the keyhole in the front door so that Aleck could let himself in without scratching off all the varnish. It may appear from these few sug- gestions that Aleck knew his way around somewhat. Now, Aleck was afflicted with a country cousin who rejoiced in the artistic cognomen of Hen, marked down from Jenry. To the untutored eye Hen was most of the things that Aleck was not. He couldn’t tell the dif- ference between a dry Martini and a Krag-Jorgensen and his wildest diversion was being drawn on the jury at Kenosha® Center every two or three years. He wore les and a two by eight smile cut bias and spent most ire time trying to get away from his hands and s feet lei after all the pumpkins were husked and the undersized potatoes had been properly and carefully ar- ranged in the bottoms of the barrels and other simple agricultural duties had been attended to Hen sold a couple of fat steers and anncunced his intention of in- vesting the proceeds in one glad illumination of the me- tropolis. When Aleck heard the tidings of the bucolic relative who was about to be visited upon him he went A 2 away by himself to conceal his joy. The difference be- One fall tween black and white is infinitesimal as compared with the great gulf that is fixed between sticking the inof- fensive country cousin for a month’s board in the summer time and putting up for that same country cousin for a few days during the ensuing winter. When Hen arrived to begin his career of crime in the heart of the metropolis Aleck mildly suggested that they start in gently with a trip to the Eden Musee. Hen didn’t know what it was, but the Eden part of it tickled his fancy and he allowed that he reckoned he was game: After a thorough investigation of this chaste and uplift- ing exhibition Aleck led his innocent and confiding rela- tive from the tall grass a wild chase up Fifth avenue and showed him the dining-room of the Waldorf-Astoria— through the windows—and some of the homes of the un- happy rich. The next night he proposed to gladden his soul by a visit to the dried fruit show at Madison Square Garden, which he assured Hen was one of the swellest affairs on the programme. Then they could wind up their career of wild dissipation by“a two hour seance in the bosom of the annual convention of the Young Men’s Association for the Suppression of the Morning After Feeling. At this point in his wistful meditations Hen pulled his city relative down to earth with a thump and whispered in plaintive accents that he hadn’t come down to New York to cultivate his intellect and otherwise add to the dull- ness of the universe. A man didn’t need to leave home to do that. What his soul thirsted for was the flicker of the gaslamps with the red shades and the soft gurgle of the Maraschino cherry in its native lair. The next night they foregathered with a 50-cent table d'hote in Twenty- seventh street, one of those abodes of Bacchus haunted by wit, beauty and the incense of somber, dark-browed Swiss cheese, run by a Frenchman from Long Island City, where the wine is throwniin and ought to be thrown out. It was the sort of resort much affected by school teachers from up State and daring tourists from faraway Rahway, A divorce suit is often a big bid for sympathy where the better half is auctioneered off regardless of the cost of maintenance. - - - Before matrimony a man spends all sorts of money for carriages and violets when taking his sweetheart to the theater. After matrimony he wants to know what's the matter with the street cars. P AT When a man gets useless or troublesome in his home town his friends conspire to kill him off by sending him to Congress. * - - There is nothing to equal a political job for the fel- low who ‘is too lazy to work. P Courtship is the lovely dreamy moonlight with peep- ing stars and romantic bubbles bubbling over. Matri- mony is the “cold gray dawn of the morning after.” - S The confidence man generally gives the other fel- low’s confidence a sorry sort of jolt. - - - When a man says that “life is not worth living” give him a dose of liver pills or lend him a $10 bill. If the stirring effect of the one or the glad smile of the other won't brace him up then he had better pass in his checks and be done with the whole business. SRR A It takes a smart man to write a letter that may not be used in evidence. K259 The get-rich-quick fellow lets the other fellow who furnishes the funds do the worrying. i The clever young fool can give the wise old guy cards and spades and win out in every trick of the game. LW When a man does not want to buy his wife a new hat he should very gracefully convince her that she looks so perfectly lovely in the old one that he cannot bear to see her make a change. PR g The warld is full of sad old fools, as breach of prom- ise suits prove every day. & .08 When a woman puts a price on her love it is sure to be price—less. - = - Pessimism is more dyspeptic than philosophig. = - - a reformed fool. . a sugar-coated pill. * * - the mirror that always reflects self. - - - Hope tells a flattering tale, but it don’t pay the bills. & R Wisdom is Flattery is Egotism is Every cloud may have a silver lining, but how are you going to prove it? - - - Love is the minor strain of life’s symphony. P Reaching out for the things that are beyond us keeps us from appreciating the blessings at hand. ~ I A woman would rather freeze to death than hide the graceful lines of her figure. G * The smile of some women is enough to give you “cold feet.” e, S When a girl makes up her mind to marry a certain fellow popguns and “poppers” might as well go out of business. | NEMO’S FABLE FOR THE FOOLISH % -+ New Jersey, so that they can tell the folks at home what a devilish place New York is after dark. If Aleck thought that his bucolic cousin’s thirsty soul was going to be sat- isfied with any such imitation dissipation as that he was barking up the wrong tree. Hen’s soul didn’t get thirsty more than once or twice in a lifetime, but this was one of the times that no one could ring an overworked table d’hote in on him and call it an adult entertainment. A man who has been brought up on hard cider and alcohol favored with a little water desires something with more teeth in it than Rhein wine made in Jersey. After they had absorbed a few samples of food they wandered out into the stilly night again and the pro- cession moved up Broadway with Hen in the lead. Every time he saw a door that swung both ways he executed a flank movement and lined his forces up along the breast- works with one foot on the rail at the bottom. Inside of half an hour he had hi$ hat on the back of his head and was ordering his nerve tonic without any advice from Aleck. At first Aleck entered into the spirit of the occa- sion, but there was too much spirit for even him, and be- fore they reached Forty-second street he was among the also rans and Hen was asking him if he had been eating something that disagreed with him. Just as he was going down for the third time Aleck had a vague recollection of seeing Hen giving the dispenser of liquid refreshment instruction in the manner of filling a new prescription for snake bite. He came to as Hen was tucking him away in his downy couch just long enough to hear his unso- phisticated relative from the backwoods announce that he was going out to begin all over again where he left off. The next morning Aleck was a close imitation of a lemon that has been working overtime at a church so- ciable, while Hen was as fresh as a daisy and ready to go to bat for another inning. It was three times and out for Aleck. The next two nights were blazing reprodue- tions of the first round, and when Hen retired to his rural fastness he had reduced Aleck to such a sad condi- tion of body and mind that he would go three blocks out of his way at the sight of 4 picture of a goat of the Wil- liam persnasion with his front feet on a barrel. As wil! hagve been observed this touching tale has neither moral nor morals, but the point of the whole matter is that not only are two heads better than one, but some heads arc better than others, and by no means all the cabbage-heads are grown in tl.e country. \