The San Francisco Call. Newspaper, December 27, 1903, Page 6

And gives the victor’s palm, That you're the sun that warms the earth— Nobody cares a d—. Don’t think your filled; e’s very much a sham; d step out some one'd step in— obody cares a d—-. place could not be 1 so the world goes whirling on, singing Life’s great psalm you were gone ‘twould still whirl Nobody cares a d a woman th s herself clever it's time to pray = newspapers tind so much that is in the girl whose papa has It's a wise bee that keeps out of the politician’s bon- * * A woman is man’s guardian angel or his devil fish A widow has a past in cold storage eccentricities of the*good old summer time are weatheér vane o knotted threads of life. ween a maid, a widow or a unmarried he maid be- It, the widow because she cee is the most unmarried full (of hanpiness or moon-on-the-wane is an for better or worse o be better or she would that he has never made a I he couldn’t. The j “he war bo'n dat way. us to get rid of wife ys the first to kick on s and the ho is so a at he would not marry e single again hy 1 boasts t ever lived vife to write his »iogra that is wasted during election times e L | HOW TO SELECT | A WIFE By Nicholas Nemo R. OTHELLO JOX author of the theory that the matri- monial business of the world is con- ducted in a very loose ma & nér. Men, insist on brea automobiles, he would rema their own horses and writing their 6wn hist novels and training their own g , but but when it comes to selecting .a wife, which is usually considered to be a more or less important and permanent proceeding, they are content to go blindfolded into the open market and accept whatever the fates or Brad- street’s may allot. Matrimony .must be taken seriously, he declared, unless a man happens to live in South Da- kota or Rhode Island; then it may be sent home on ap- proval, subject to change on return of goods and bill. cting on this theory Othello jormulated a plan to msure ‘himself nst drawing a blank when it should come time to put his hand into natrimonial bag. The arrangement was beautifully simple; wouid eye around the horizon for i promising twig which he should cral direction in which he desired eful search he discovered an the grown tree to incline. After a ¢ 1ent speciman of the opposite sex who se~med to him to hold out ev in- dicat:on of tractabikty ‘and due apppreciation of his merits. Having found the twig he set about bending it in a truly scientific manner. A nursery was set up in the home of an elderly lady of quiet tastes and a leaning in the direction of afternoon tea and Angoras. he environment seemed to Otheilc: to be just the thing for his scheme. The elderly person had run against a disappointment in her early youth that had permanently predisp-sed her against man and all his works, and the representative of the sex who had since succeeded in getting within half a mile of her without a search warrant has never been exhibited in public. By dint of a diligent use of the key that is sup- posed to unlock even the most tightly closed doors, even though they open into a postoffice or a large rotund Government contract, Othello in- duced her to walk up to his plans and fall into them. For the sake of convenience wé will call the twig Marianna, al- though it is against our principle to call names. Marianna was not aware of the good fortune that was 1 cold storage for her and it would probably have made little difference if she had known of it, being at the age when three square meals a day and proportionate rations of hats and gowns were of more importance than any plans that Cupid might be concocting for her. According to the agreement signed, sealed and de- livered with the elderly person aforesaid. Othello was to be the sole di- rector and general manager of the training of Marianna’s youthful mind for the proper appreciation and appropriation of the exalted sphere to which she was presently to be elevated. As time passed Othello put in ntuch of his leisure acquiring gray hairs and a larger waist measure while Marianna occupied herseli study- ing the daily hints from Paris by way of Moneymaker’s bargain sales and guessing at the age of the newest matinee idol. There were times when Othello was inclined. to doubt the wisdom of his scheme, especially when he sadly called the roll of his capillary covering and noticed mournfully how the list of the missing increased steadily. Sometimes he even ques- tioned his ability to fall in line with some of Marianna’s cherished plans for the distribution of his surplus‘income among the summer hotel keepers and retired pirates who officiatc at the box offices alone Broad- way. He was coming within trailng distance of that stage in life when a pair of coffortable slippers, an easy chair and a warm fire are more to be desired than a box secat at the horse show or a Delmonico handout. Marianna, on the other hand, was hovering around the age which consid- ers home as a place for sleeping, eating breakfast and storing clothes in. It may be inferred that the outlook for a patent safety match was not of a _sort calculated to take a high rank in matrimonial history. But the proof of the matrimonial pudding is in tying the string so that it will neither slip nor bind, and Othello was determined to see the thing through to the bigter end in the intérests of science even if he hap- pened to be the one who was bitten.- To add to his other troubles some of his alleged friends began to make remarks about the general unde- sirability of tying May—not to mention Marianna—up to January, which was Othello. It occurred to him in this connection that severe frosts were to be expected in January and that his budding hopes were in dan- ger of being nipped a little if he left them out over night. Along with his plans for the education of Marianna Othello had been siiting up nights maturing his ideas fcr the preparation of the nest in which his home-broken bird could be placed when he had taught her to fly only in his direction. A corner lot had been bought at a reduced rate in Farawayville, where the corrupting influences of the fashion plate and the matinee idol should not come near his dwelling and where he should not be compelled to spend more than half his time* dodging around cor- ners to keep out of sight of the tax collector. A cottage had been erected on the general lines of the Queen Anne-tiquated style and - the designs had been submitted for the oleander tub and the horse block just abaft the front gate. When Othello was not busy planning additions to Marianna's educational structure he w: itting up nights figuring on the Liest way of putting in the cellar stairs so that Marianna could run down for a bunch of potatoes without faliing into the cistern or being run off on the sidetrack to the smokehouse. 8 Meanwhile Marianna was giving a very close imitation of Bre'r Rab- bit in his celebrated act of lying low and saying nothing, but a keen ob- server of the engraved stationery that found its way into her retreat might have reached the conclusion that there was | ething in the air which hadn’t been received at Othello’s Marconi station. These conclu- sions were justified by later events that came upon*Othello like the inter- est on an overripe railroad bond. The day that had been invited to ob- serve the fruition of his hopes was marked on his calendar in red ink and he had the parson at the mark waiting to send them off in a special Rice Handicap, favorites barred, when he received a hurry-up call from the elderly person with the dyspeptic mind to ~the effect that he was wanted on an urgent case. Marianna had eloped with a young man of the mature age of twenty-two who sported a red automobile and did his voice up in curl papers every night. It was an instance of what is commonly known as the irony of fate that the ungrateful Marianna had laid a straight course to the very same parson whom Othello had subsidized several days bpfore. Whén the latte- gentleman arrived on the scene the knot was tied hard and fast and the offenders were holding tight to both ends of the string to keep it from slipping. There was nothing for Othello to do but to hand over his Llessing and retire as soon as possi- ble into the darkest recesses of the dim past and take a seat in the most obscure corner. Later on he contracted a matrimonial alliance with the elderly person in order to avoid retuiring too favorable an idea of the married state, It was not our intention to teach anything in particular in the course Gt this sad tale of the choice of a wife—for some one else—but those who insist on being instructed will be pleased to know that Othello learned that there is many a slip between the solitaire and the altar and also that he who counts his chickens before they are hatched is likely to have an incubator for sale after the returns are all in. could be bottled up and distributed coal strikes would be robbed of their terrors. SN Sy Encouragement is the backbone of success. - * - Young married people shoufl' be taught that m tri- mony is not a perpetual adoration feast, but may be toned down to a continious admiration seance. * . - There is one saving grace about a politician’s hot air. He generates so much of it that he blows himself into “innocuous desuetude.” (I wonder if Mr. Cleveland ine tended that for a joke. It’s one of the finest.) * g If some people had not had fathers they would never have been able to live. (Mr. Editor, that’s no joke, is it?) R L8 - Should a private secretary be called a king’s jester ar just a plain, unmitigated ass? e If people will eat green persimmons they must not mind the bitter taste left in their mouth. TR There are women that you can hang to until the drop falls from the scaffold. AT B People who will rubberneck are sometimes rewarded with a black eye. * * * When a man thinks that his reputation will stand the test of a few lunches with his typewriter he should shave his shoulder blades to keep the angel outfit from sprouting. 3 . - A bird on a platter is worth a cold bottle with a live “Birdie” on the side. r * * * It’s cruel enough to expect a man to worry his diges- tion through the ravages and savages of a course dinper without the added torture of the toastmaster’s stun W W . Some people should go through life labeled “All in trouble call.” ¥ e Dl Providence takes care of fools and children except when the motorman gets in his fine work. * * * Some people are so dull that even a triple gold plating would not brighten them up. s & * Some people are so lazy that it is even an effort for them to go to sleep. % - Matrimony is either a special dispensation of Provi- dence or the machination of the iicnl. . * Don't shoot at the Kitty; she is doing the best she can THE CONFIDENCE | MAN | By Billy Burgundy 5 s~—3 OUCHIN’ on an’ appertainin’ to what is known in orderly and refined cifcles as a confidence man, it be- hooves me, I opine, to exude a v stanzas of derhetoricalized d anent the time it came my turn to stack up against one. In order that it may not appear as tho' I am disposed to keep under cover any !a&-:l> pa};h; ularly germane to the issue, I will state at this junc uc that at the time of the meeiing in question 1 was som st useful of commodities—experence. ;i desire to become a New Yorker, in fact 1 had rea ic f n was growing impa- ut the microbe of motio v " o reason that it was only two days i§ fact that Pinker- front of expiration, and the broker put me “Iosel ‘:o‘a}::icld“:he pedripes ton, the brave detective, lived in the town. S A i my trusty six-shooter in the aft compartment of my ey City: asid After putting in three days on the cars 1 pulled znlf') Je "vyx s wien I boarded the ferry that takes them over to New York | e to nect one of the most perfect gentlemen 1 _had seen'sm.c: lcn\m;r‘ l His face was as kind and solemn as a Baptist preacher’s during ‘_“‘L‘( week; he wore real made-to-measure clothes and was not the least bi stuck up. In fact he came right over and spoke to me the moment he me. ¢ To miy great surprise the minute I told him I was from Tcflcrs(;‘n County, Mississippi, he began to ask about folks who live in that neizh- borhood. Somehow or another I didn't happen to r:membcr_c\'crkhax: ing heard tell of any of his friends. But when 1 asked him if he -nch\\. Colonel Culpepper he was so glad to hear the old man was still alive he actually had to wipe the tears from his eyes. » Well, to compress. this narrative a few sticks, when I told my friend Mr. Vanmorganbilt—that was his name—that 1 had a hundred dollars in cold cash and was going to put up at a bang-up tavern, a fatherly ex- pression swept over his face that almost made me feel as though I had stumbled into a blood relation, and quicker than a flash he insisted that I spend a month at his Fifth-avenue home as a guest of hxmse_h and wife. During the journey across the Hudson Mr. Vanmorganbile told me that there were iots and lots'of people in New York who wou‘ld actually steal things right out of a'stranger’s pocket and that I would have to be awfully careful whom I associated with or I woul(! get into a heap of trouble. He made it so strong that 1 decided to stick to him for safety until T got acquainted with the real nice families of the town. K When we landed in New York it was dark, and Mr. Vanmorganbilt suggested that inasmuch as his wife was giving a reception to the ladies of the 400 it would be a good idea for us to dine at a Broadway restau- rant and take in a show before going to his home. y We had an awfully swell dinner and he footed the bill, so when we reached the theater I insisted it was my turn to treat. He didn’t want it that way a little bit, but finally I got him to consent to allow me to pay our way in. As I had never been introduced to the man who had the tickets for sale at the little window Mr. Vanmorganbilt said he might ask me a lot of impertinent questions, so I gave him a twenty-dollar bill to buy the tickets for me. When we took our seats in the box Mr. Vanmorganbilt told me the ticket seller had sent my bill across to the drug store to have it changed and that he would get the change for me between the acts. In due time the curtain went up and I got my first peek at full- grown young ladies in short dresses. Gosh! but they certainly did look fine when they danced and cavorted around the stage. I thought the lit- tle blonde in blue was just the darlingest creature I had ever seen, and told Mr. Vanmorganbilt so. He said he would go out for my change and ask th:.njanager to introduce me to her after the performance. I was perfectly willing. He did go out, but He didn’t come back. I felt for my roll; it had goue out, too. - To make it even more touching he sold the coupons on the:5 sidewalk to a guy who had me dispossessed before the second act ‘was over. whaj shy on that mo 1 had no aching very little of the town. 1 tient, the ticket was cheap, for the sa: