The San Francisco Call. Newspaper, November 15, 1903, Page 4

M GO\ — eople talk as if their tongues had bbed with axle grease or a ng brand e ig fools, some are are just great. fools are sls, and som R leaves have ceased ness. w that autu: are back to before the chariot you can't ex- but there does not seem ntertaining as a up another o gold notes ke widower big ch over the poor dear will be 1 invent a 1 few jerks? ness there would e New ontention, g for scnoiAgfi& POLITICS Fable for the Foolish. HE historv of ample of the ca everybody sn tubbs is a livinz ex- politics; that's ' why mentioned To the he scholar in politics nblance to a young ladies’ boarding- ill—interesting, but incongruous, ather held that young gentleman while tt family clergyman front part of his onvenient parts of the anatomy of nfant the doom of said ! ss infant was fixed for keeps and directing the destiny of the ng the Women'’s Christian Temperance his name universe than any other one force. bar Union. It may be true that a rose by any other name would smell as sweet: but it is probably equally true that if the human race were to rise up and de- cide to call or give the name rose to the malodorous and pervasive jimson weed all the women in the United States would immediately declare they had always preferred eau de jimsan to white violet or pink carnation. Most of us eat, drink and smoke names. paste mes over our religion, fall in love with mames—and call each other names when we fall out again—and envelop end pad ourselves with names generclly. Thus it was that poor Beniamin Franklin was condemned by a heedless father and a faithless old representative of the church to shy his mitt into the political arena at the first opportunity. Of course as soon as he reached the age of convictions he became firmly convinced that all politicians, from the first serpent to the latest postoffice clerk, have been shamelessly corrupt, and also, of course, he was of the opinion that the world had been sitting around for some hundreds of ccntgrirs }\'ilh all of its legs and arms hope- lessly out of joint waiting for B. Franklin to heave in sight and put a plaster of paris cast on each of the corners In order to prepare himself for this exceedingly delicate operation in po- litical surgery he put in many weary hours in college wrapping his three- ply, silk-warp(ed) intellect around John Stuart’ Mill, Bryce’s ‘“American Commonwealth” and other light works designed to give the inquiring mind an upper hold on the problems of government. He had also taken a long course of maxillary gymnastics in the college debating society, doing the vo- cal giant swing and the forensic cut-off on such time-honored questions as the following: Resolved, That the pen is mightier than the sword. Resolved, That men of action have done more for the advancement of civilization than men of thought. Resolved, That the hen is impelled to cross the road by the unconscious sublimation of her ego; and other subjects more or less fraught with importance to the human race. As soon as he secured a firm hold on the little roll of parchment which signified that under ordinary circumstances he could be depended on to pro- tect himself from the wet, Beniamin Franklin sallied forth to take the tired old world by the hand and lead it to where it could sit down in comfort and safety and let its feet hang over the edge. It was so delightfully simple that he wondered often, far within himself, that no one had thought of saving the country before he backed in. It hadn’t occurred to him then. as it did later, that the country had been saved, one way or the other, at least once every two years for the last century or more, The trouble is that it won’t stay saved. When B. Franklin returned to the city where he had chosen to be born some twenty-three years previous he found the town trembling on the verge of a campaign for Mayor. As usual, a great municipality was struggling to free itself from the grasp of a band of shameless political bandits, Virtue was out and vice was in; it’s a peculiarity of virtue that it usually is out. If it should ever succeed in getting itself elected to anything and making people believe for any great length of time that it was the same old virtue they had voted for, observant critics would begin to look for the curtain to go up on the first act of the millennium. But unfortunately "that bappy event is al- ways just around the corner. On his arrival B. Franklin thought that he could hear the city draw a long breath of relief and pleased anticipation, and he forthwith proceeded to unlimber his intellect and remove the tension from his vocal apparatus. He was one of the first spellbinders at the post and got away well in the lead. | \ i | | THE EUNDAY CALL. Every night he pervaded the stilly—and brewery—air with his silvery elo- querice, and every morning the street-cleaning gang swept up great bunches of persuasive arguments where B. Franklin had thrown them the night be- fore. All the wealth of ancient and modern history and literature was drawn upon, and such a dazzling light was let in upon the darkened intel- lects of an enlightened constituency that green shades had to be furnished with each and every address. In the eyes of B. Franklin he was the whole thing and something over. If the city could be saved he was the boy to do it. In his wandering fancy he could see a grateful populace climbing the front steps of the Maison de Stubbs bearing the thanks of the municipality on a platter. It was true that there were one or two moments of disquiet. For example, he heard faint but frequent rumors of what a certain gentleman with a name that ended in “hooley” was doing for the party, and he had heard him referred to as the boss, whatever that meant. But the name of B. Franklin was ringing so loudly through the cells of that gentleman’s cerebellum that he couldn’t be bothered with such vulgar things as “hooleys” and bosses. By and E{'!he campaign came to an end, as everything does except Congressional investigations and postal indictments, and B. Franklin had the limelight turned off and sat down to hear the returns. To his exceeding great joy his particular brand of virtue finished about two lengths to the good and vice slunk off with its tail between its legs. But the thanks of the municipality came not to B. Franklin, though he waited long and pa- tiently. Finally, in sheer despair, he journeyed down to headquarters to see who was holding up the civic gratitude so shamelessly, Imagine his sur- prise when he found out that the pure souled patriots in that stronghold of political righteousness had never even heard of him. He, B. Franklin, the silver-tongued urator, the lion-hearted savior of the city, was not even so much as a name to these distinguished gentlemen. ~ But while he hung around hoping to find some one who knew some one who had heard his father's name he was compelled to witness the gratitude that he was sure was marked with his name handed over to a gentleman with short hair and a mouth like the front door of a rat trap, who sat in the rear of a corpulent black cigar and took it all in without a word. This unprepossessing person had a name that ended in “hooley.” Later on B. Franklin learned how the city had been saved, and the other fellow even told him how much it had cost. Virtue comes high, but we must havd it. B. Franklin monkeys no more with the political buzz-saw, and he care- fully refrains from speaking except when he is spoken to. His lesson was rather expensive, but he will never fo that e speech may be silver, when it is entered in the political hanmv it isn’t even a hundred to one against a properly gilded and prudently administered silence. Copyright, 1903, by Albert Britt. C Y ¢ ) coin. Unfeeling wretch. But “mere man” never did under- stand a woman. TUSRE N When a man says he has never told a lie or made 2 fool of himself it is time he should be given decent burial or he may spoil. Ty e Woman is a creature of moods. Imperative when she wants anything. Infinitive—well every one knows that a woman'’s moods are infinit(iv)e. Objective—the married men will please not all speak at once. Subjunctive—when she wants to get married. Subjective—when she is in love. P When a woman loves the wrong man he learns & few things not taught in the Sunday-school curriculum. e Women’s clubs claim to have improved Chicago. Was it that bad? Poor Chicago. L . K A man in Hoboken spanked his wife because she at- tended a mothers’ meeting and left him home with the ba- bies. And-the Judge, horrid thing! never even fined him. . K - A wise man never antagonizes a woman. If he does he may repent if he lives long enough. R R A woman'’s stockings are often an index to her character, and yet they may be darned old stockings. PR T You may estimate a woman by her laugh. Her giggle is the weighing machine of her mental adipose. ST R Tears are the dewdrops of the soul, the prison that re- fracts the glorious rainbow of hope. e 8 Sorrow teaches us mercy. S 1 prefer the Magdalen to the Diana. One s merciful; the other thinks she is just. - . The intimate friend minds your business and tells it to every one who assists the process. gl * Fish for fools and you will have to have a mighty big dragnet. a 4 : “The early bird catches the worm.” Frisky thing! The worm ought to get a hustle on himself. No sympathy for anything so slow as that old worm. . * - “Discretion is the better part of valor.” Not a bit of it. When a man is on the valor band-wagon he forgets all about discretion. - - . To be too honest often brands one as a knave. .15 N> M Love not only laughs at locksmiths, but forges its keys right under his nose. Sometimes they're skeleton keys, too. W A stitch in time may save thirty-nine cents, iomh gt Will a nightmare ever make a racehorse? GIRL WHO SERVED TIME By Billy Burgundy. + NCE upon a time there lived in the town of Herkimer a geezer who possessed a wife named Cordelia and a daughter named Fidelia. His tag read Lucian Lugsworth. Lucian ran one of the leading stores in the town. Fact is, he really had a shade the best of the other store for the reason that he was more centrally located, being right across from the station. One day after placing his order for fall goods with Isadore Rosenstein, who travels out of Cincinnati, Lucian asked him up to meet the folks and take pot luck. Isadore, wise to the fact that it was a chance to make a three-base hit, accepted the invitation, and as soon as he pulled up at the house he began to eulogize Fidelia with such marked en- thusiasm that Cordelia was moved to ask Lucian if he was sure he had ordered enough from Mr. Rosenstein. lsadore saw the opening at once and remarked that he thought Lucian could use six dozen of those XL percale shirt waists to great advantage. Lucian said make it three dozen and assort the sizes and patterns as much as possible without disturbing the cost mark. Isadore made a note of it on his cuff and promptly changed the subject. Then Fidelia gave her imitation of Little Eva. Isadore said that as an imitatrix Fidelia made Cissie Loftus look like an amateur. =This caused Lucian to remember that he had clean forgot to order a dozen pink bed spreads. Isadore put it down and then the bell rang for supper. ‘When Isadore had gone Cordelia blew out the parlor lamp, folded up the napkins, locked the silver butter dish in the safe and called Lucian into the back room to talk matters over. She told him she had been deeply impressed by what Mr. Rosenstein had said about Fidelia's talents: that she knew every word he had uttered was ospel truth, for he was highly educated and a most perfect gentleman, fndeed, he had simply said what she had always known was a fact. After sparring along that line for a while, she up and said she had set her mind on sending Fidelia to one of them boarding schools where girls are taught Latin, Greek, music, art, expression and citified manners. Lucian came back at her by saying that while the crop reports were powerfully discomforting and collections very slow, he warn't going to raise his voice agin what was for the good of his own child, so Cordelia went to the bookcase and dug up 2 stack of catalogues from the leading thought fac- tories. After studying the fine points of each school, Cordelia and Lucian came to the conclusion that the Martha Washington Semhury was the best. The catalogue said so. To prove it, the book called attention to the fact that the Martha Washington Seminary is located 444 feet above the level of the sea on the very spot where nature has most lavishly bestowed her bounties; where the birds are moved to perpetual song; the death-dealing germ is a curiosity; the cuisine is unsurpassed; the salubrious mountain air lingers from Septem- ber the 17th to June the 21st, and the daily programme is as follows: Rise at 7, bathe and dress, Study, 4 to §. Breakfast, 8. Gymnasium, § to $:30. Study, 9 to 1r. Bible study, 5:30 to & Recitations, 11 to 12:30. Dinner, 6:30. Luncheon, 12:30 to 1. Study, 7 to 8. Recitation, 1:30 to 4 Prayers, 8 to 8:30. Retire, 9. The book went on to say that the Martha Washington Seminary is tqmwed with a chemical laboratory. tennis court and Christian influence. ell, to get to the point, Fidelia’s trunk was packed with sheets, pillow- cases, hot water bags, talcum powder, scented soap and other feminine un- mentimblu. and she took the cars to the informatory. After serving eight months at what she termed hard labor, Fidelia went back to Herkimer with nothing to show for it except a beribboned mando- lin, a Yale flag, a college yell and a bunch of slang. Moral: There is no place like home for a girl of talent.