The San Francisco Call. Newspaper, November 1, 1903, Page 13

D < U \ Al D \ 4 THE. €UNDAY CALL, WEN poverty comes in" the door Love lands in the dumps. o The best laid plans- of mice and men. sometimes tum- ble off the gang -8 a long lane that has no turning. nes turns the It:may: be a pretty tough climb to get over a love affair. a high that may out later we s own busi- Love alway av. may wish he had minded me’ true”. don't laugh eve: t. were bein - . unriveted. ies ‘a man may get a fe does-not-khew how t ght to be a h Mauser - bull sble up the bowels™ af the deep would make any man cry for hiome and mother. and- pies * - got-a -divorce be- eferred her dog to himr e dog, but it serves o “business . to n orocured a di- is would eat we have ccried over onions * - - of ‘a week thinks she e about matfimony than the beén pegging away at * d wanted a di- f his soul” had Vb, o SRS A > Fales Nle Yoot 16 T8 VR ¥ oo = ! \ M-OWr OF A AIP7Y- - 13 THEION MARR at his head, and he objected to being'a “human target.” Some men haven't a bit of sense of humor.. He might have known that a woman never could hit anything. RS A woman of Philadelphia wants a di- vorce because whenever she asks for market _money hubby prays over. her. Paor Philadelphia. Is it really-- that bad? - - - A man in Milwaukee wants & divorce Beciuse his wife drinks beer.. ‘Why, gracious, . there’s nothing “else in Mil- waukee -to drink. FRRO S Some” people hive a way of getting there before they realize how fast they are: going. L It ‘may- be more blessed to give than to. receive, but “it’s: mighty .comforting to have :spme one ‘pay your bills P e We all think we carry ‘heavy burdens of trouble, ‘hut if we exchanged them for those of athers otir own would make us “feel like feather-weig mpions. P People who are.afraid to tackle those at the top .of the ladder take a vicious delight in tugging at those trying - to climb: Any fool ‘can tell -the truth. but it takes an artist to be:a first-clasy liar. &, e When. you compare a Yankee girl's gowns -with the English woman’s togs. do you: wonder that the lords cross seas to find their ladies? & e It -isn’t' the same old stary by any means when a -man finds his old love letters :marked “Exhibit A.” . e Some: ‘women ‘are so good that.they make ‘every oné. else feel downright sav- age * e, Some - people pay. starve-to-death wagés ‘and ‘then ‘want to kick out the corpse. - - . When is a'man too old to marry? For heaven's sake, Chauncey, do be quiet. Tommy Platt is now the leading lady. > o e ): 0OZYIRYY When a-'man. boasts that he never kicks'his brain’is too soft to yank up his legs. T e When: a_girl's heart gets a little jolt she. thinks it a regular smash-up: e Mary. MacLane says that “the future is.a lute. without - strings.” - Mary is downright ungrateful. The' other loot had no strings. o ] Some crank writes: “A° good laugh is sometimes - better ‘than -a hearty meal.” Ttie ‘poor cuss who is starving ht to be' tickled to death over this ioke * - * Opportunity - may - open. the door to Success, but it don’t waste any time on introductions. 'THE ORACLE'’S SLY TIPS By S. E. Hiser WAY off here in Mulberry Center I used to have a queer , kind of a notion-that city folks were all sharp and right up oni-éverything, ready to beat country people out of their eye teeth when it came to.a deal-of any “kind, but T've changed my mind. T guess about the easlest people in the world to fool are the ones that were born .and raised in the cities-and look on-the farmers "as innocent chaps that it’'s almost a. shamie to.take ~monéy . from, Here's these folks that put up the money fo keep Wall . street . goin’. But that's not what T was going to tell about. . A year ago last -“spring ley Folsom bought & piece of swamp:land about a mile east. of town that had never been any good to anybody, and the folks around:here thought he was crazy. He only paid about four dollars amr acre for it; but it laoked:like win’ just that much money away. Nobody ‘could. live “anywher¢ near” it out getting the ague or malaria or somethin’, and the.tow nship - tfustees been thinkin’ for years-of havin’ ‘it drained so -the death rate .might “be Ira said he ‘was going to turn the place” into:a summrer résort and wanted the rest of-us to-go-in with- him. - He said there would' be " biz money in it, but. éverybody laughed ‘at him. -It looked like" the foplishest e anybody ever thought of, and Ed Tinker, wio ‘sold the land, said"he i r takin’ the moneéy, but if Ira’ was bound to do it.there was no him have his ‘way. heard. Ira’ had ‘bought /it T asked him if he was gbin’ into .the frog-raisin’ - business, ‘but he. told me to wait and-see. -Then"he put up:four or five shanties arotind -on the.-edge of the place -and built- one ‘good-sized:- hotrse that looked as though-a:stiff. breeze would blow. it -over. ~He had some of the brush trimmed-out and dammed up.one end of the swamp so the water would stand in it almost a foot of two deep in some places. Everybody around hére said .the poor ¢hap had lost his mind. So the -‘women kind .of kept watch of the ‘children and -called -them in when Ira happened to ‘be around; ‘beciuse you can. neves- tell just how .a crazy man’s trouble is goin® to turn; and things went ‘along that way till-a couple of months ago.’ .Then one day ‘there was about a half a dozen peo- ple come down-on the train from the city one day, and Ira met them at the depot with a spring wagon-and took.them. overto the swamp. That was the beginnin’ of it. -They kept camin’ right along till all the shanties were Glied up and the big buildin’ which he called - the ~ Belvidere - Hotel crowded. ~ He'd got. somebody from ovér in the next township to help him yun. the place, and hired the brass bind to come down. from the county seat three nights a week, and the first thing almost anybody knew Tinker's Swamp had got to be about the liveliest place there was anywhere for ten miles around. It made some of us sad to look at the pale women ‘and children that kept coming in on- the trains 16 live in that death-breeding place, and we -all expected the funerals would begin to get pretty thick right away, but. for- some reason they didn’t die off. Ira put advertisements in the city papers ‘and ‘business boomed to ‘beat the dickens. I went over to the place the ‘other day to-find oit how. the people were standing it, and blamed -if they didn't all seem to be happy @nd lookin’ about as healthy as any lot of human bein's I ever seen. There ‘was ofie oldish man there that had brought his-fam down; and T got to talkin’ to him “This is-a great place,” he says. “It's a wonder nobody ever. diseovered it before. - It's made 3 mew. man of me, and I believe I would of lost- two of my. children if. F'hadn’t brought them down here.” “What is there about it,” I says to him, “that seems to do. you the most good?” “I don’t know,” ‘he told me. “whether it's. the water or the-air -or the mud baths. ~They're all great: This air’s just like medicine. I get out there and fie down -on the shore of the lake for an hour or so and fill my lungs and it miakes- me feel like 'a new man. That's my cottage over there,” he said, pointif’. at -one of the- shanties, “and it's dirt cheap.. .1 only have to pay sixty dollars a_month: for-it.” kept down. ol 5 8 Was - I wouldn't bé surprised if it had cost Ira fully forty-five: dollars to. build the thing, but T thought 1.wouldn't.say dnything :to -the man _about it. as lorig as he seemed so tickled : He told. mé everybody drank nine glasses. of water out of the swamp evéry morning’ before breakfast: -~ - ' “Don't it taste kind. of bad?” says 1. . Eeta B . “Well,” he says; “it’s not so very pleasant, but 6f course. that's the-mineral in it.” You peoplé down here don’t realize what a great. ‘thitig . you've: got here. This is going to- be one .of. the. greatest places in-the country. befo! long: .1 know-of at least-six peaple.that. I believe, wouid be -dead now they hadn’t of found out.this nlace.” £ % He ‘had left. a $17,000 house in, tlre’city to-come ~down: here “and. sléep three in-a bed and-pay big money for.a tharice to. do it. T it was with the rest .of ‘them! -Board at 1 and. he bought:coffy for twenty cents a.ppund.- because: Ike--Reyiolds. the grocery keeper, told. mre: The: nian T was. talkin! fo- fold. me: hé was goin’ to get all his friends.to corire down’ here next. year, and.:Ita’s. figuring ‘on buildin’ about tén mare shanties and: puttin’ up. @ big addition t6-the- hotel: The worst ¢f it is, though, that he played a;mean, underhandéd -trick on Ed Tinker. 1 Ira- went ‘and” got an option had the papers all drawed up bind the bargain. Eversbody a Ed's land’ that surrqunded - the place and . black ‘and: ‘white and paid. fifty -dollars :to it “was’ one of the-lowest down"preces . -of butiness. they ever -h 1 -of Ed fould of s0ld the land atmigst -any day for “within fifteeri- doliars an . of what Tra-boughtit- for.. -‘Somé .of - ‘the folks ‘down -here think Ed eught fo. fight the case’in: court - Jiidge Miller- claims : Ed: "wiould have the swamp on his: hands yit. ani be a good deal it ‘of pocket if :Fra hadn't bought -it, ‘but- the. Judge- always did have a likin’ to tike the other side; just to e contrary, and I s'poserhe’s ‘biased, .anyway, becausé . the -fools that are dowr heré from the city riskin” their lives around that. swamp have renfed part’of .his brother-in-law's farm for. one of them golf-links:.. I'll confess ‘that Inever would of thought it of ira. Hels about the last.mdp i the-world I'd ‘of picked- ott:fo be a: sharper: t's “the: way hotel cost ten dallars a-week Before anybody found out:what :a_great. thing -the swamp 'was ", and if anybody had éver told myg that ‘hé would.take advantige -of his old-: and neighbors the way ‘he's ‘done - L wouldn’t of . believed -it: There s to’ him any -more, and it's a frien, ain’t hardly: anybody around here-that -spea Blanred ‘shame that something can't be done to stop the people from comin’ down’ from -the city:at the risk of their lives to hand him their money. 7 * Yours sorrowfully, JEFFERSON. DOBBS: . 'WHY HIS MARRIAGE FAILED .He regarded children as a nuisance. He did all his courting before marriage. = 8 He never talked over his affairs with his wife. He never had time to go anywhere with his wife. He doled out money to his wife as if to a beggar. He looked down ‘upon his wife as an inferior being. He never took time to get acquainted with his family: He thought of his wife only: for what she could bring to him. He never dreamed that there were two md.el to marriage. He never dreamed that a wife needs praise or.compliments. He had one set of manriers for home and another for society. He paid’ no attention to: his personal appearance after marriage. . He married an ideal, and was disappointed to find it had flaws. He thought his wife should spend all ‘her time doing. housework. " 'He treated his wife as he would not’ have -dared ‘to treat" another woman. : % He never dreamied that his wife needed: a vacation, recreation -‘or chiange. s % ¥ P : 55 3 He never made concessions to-his. wife's judgment, -even in unim- portant matters. - gt ¢ % s AR He thought the marridge vow had made him his wife's -master in-- stead of her partner, et oo 5 g 7 R 2 g OF her Dattoer, o itions Wil o Bl byl wi4e Ml by “divine right,” and not -as; favors. 2 CES He always. carried h 1 locking. them in his store or office when he closed. = . § “~—By Orisoh Swett' Marden, in the October “Succéss: =X \ N i S ) S e s ‘business troubles ’L‘eé&;é.qufi, hi'l_fi, ,’in;té‘d' at -l - he tied 1t: carefully w - other. FABLES for the FOOLISH/ From Poverty to Pork PacKing l i HEN"L ‘Homer Smith was young, but otherwise inno- cent; ‘he- was_-picked by his . parents and. - well meaning ftiends as .a sure winmer of the ~Pegasus - han . He thought in -rliyme, dreamed in. blank verse, and like his il- lastrions . predecessor, the late Mr. Pope, -lisped in num- bers -when' hie was.learning: the multiplication table. His “Dde.fo-a" Dving Grasshopper” was the ‘wonder of the : towh . of Burdock and- led many admirers to declare that he had' Shakespéaré: beaten - liv-a ‘Tap’ aind that Milton was way short of the flag, he: biitted into” an” institution. for the uplifting of -youth lonrg hair-and a discriminating - taste- for the best In-the.ci and-the brands For ‘a- starter -he. thought something modest. in the way of a thousand word explanation of the ‘mission of the daisy. would be about the proper thing tor ‘open the campaign. with: - Beiniz ‘a considerate youth: with well grounded humanitarian iplés.: lie “did. not. wish. to give. the sordid world too hard a jolt at"fitst IF poets. were ‘so. mercifl -this - world ‘would be. a- happier placé for. the rest of us: - After he had:smoothed ‘over the rough placés. in his. little: effort . and:ps few . chiropodical stunts on some-of its feet, t bon- and_sent it: forth--on its mission of re- dechiing Américan:literature.. No.ane doubts that said American literature " is sadly-in need. of beine redéemed. but unfortunately no one has been found fet who would own up 10-having the: ticket concealéd about his ‘person. The first. publisher that [ Homer approached -with a view . to allowing him to place the child of his brain béfore ‘the waiting ‘world, i “he. should prove properly -hiirble:and- appreciative; turned out to be a cold. mércenary individual’ who:was so.unfeeling as to' demand a: profit for himself before -he would: uridertake the grand work of redemption. -This was more or less of a rebuff to J. Homer; . he had never paused to consider that even publishers must live—although noone.apnears to know why—and for as much as two days he tetired into the inmost recésses of his. soul and communed with him- seif, -At the end of that. period. he emerged to announce that hope had re- covered its:usual elasticity. in_that particular human breast and with - care might. be ‘expected to spring oncé or twice more, ‘About this time. his father calléd him apart from the madding crowd and gently. but firnily informed him-that he had contributed for the enlight- enment. of the world-about as long.as he felt able. The unfeeling parent ac- tually had the effrontefy_to suggest that he, J. Homer, the lineal descendant of the divine Sappho.and the ‘hated rival of the recent . Mr. Austin . and Dithyramb Dick- of Pillduzer . Park. should doff the mantle of Chaucer and James: Whitcomb: -Riley and ‘get.down to business. In vain did he repre- sent to the -author of his beirig that-poets were never supposed to work for their living; that; people were usually glad to have - them around just to make them forget their other troubles. It was no use; the old ' man wasti't. sure about: the world owing the versesmith a living, but he was tol- erably certain that Smith St. wasn't the individual to collect it. Thus.it came-to pass that about six months after J. Homer set out-from éollege with-the avowed pirpose of .taking the world by the tail and throw- ing it over his shoulder he dragged his weary frame up to the summit of a tall stool in the office of a gentleman whose heaven-born mission was .the * translation-of thé common ‘or garden cattle and hogs into corned beef and frankfutters, It was a sad come-down for a lover of the muses. *". But there were, compensations—several of them. - For example. he was no longer in danger of making himself cross-eyed by trying to look around the cornier. before he came to ‘it to see if his tailor was coming up on the de. " Now he. could meet his landlady on even terms, if she did fix the. terms. He could put on a clean collar every morning without suffer- ing disturbing: ‘thoughts on the:dangers of the Chinese invasion.. When he matried his. employer’s only daughter and moved into a brownstone front : with -an~ English butler.and an automobile attachment he carefully but ef- © . fectively buried his. last scruple as to the propriety of making a living.. by earning money.