The San Francisco Call. Newspaper, October 18, 1903, Page 8

EN'T & sometimes better to walk off with your dignity in- tact than to stand too long on it? > & .8 The jaw-bone of an ass don't scem to have ever gone out of business. B S ] Many people think themselves star performers whea' they are only miserable scene shifters, o L The church has its uses. You can always gauge the generosity of your best friend’s husband by her Christmas furs and her Easter display. - - - 1f the shadow of Success comes your way welcome it as if it were the real substance. . - . The stomach, the heart and the mind each crave a different diet, and what will feed the one will starve the other. s = = The fox is sometimes stronger than either the bull or the bear. 8.8 After matrimony the face in the honeymoon may be either a heart's de light or an sggravating Nemesis. - - - It's strange that the very things that we long for most ardently lose mauch of their value with possession. e Sk ter runs deep and silent, but still whisky is apt to run shallow and ful Tuss. It's & wise automobile who takes out a life insurance policy. . . an never knows what a fool he has made of himself until he T PR ust your friends you ought to canonize yogr.enemies. "I By ™ People who don't amount to much furnish proof every time they open th inks he is marrying an ange! often wakes up to find that s etiie A man’s courage is written on his face when his wife “sasses” him back., $ i Moralists who shout too loud need watching, e P ing spreads the “grip.” What nonsensel A evervbody knows that kissing - fightens ghe - “grip™ n’t eay a word) * - B loves 2 modest man, at mall, < great big low with piles of gall e whole world loves the silent ay as the owls— tion, permit me to the fellow who T wt rld loves a peaceful arrel or bicker, way, permit me give to the strenuous kicker. TRICRS OF MODERN . ADVERTISING ' WORTH COOL .MILLION HE first college man I ever hired was old John Durham’s , Jim. That was a good many years ago, when the was 2 much smaller affair. .Jim’'s father had a lot ill he started out to buck the universe and cor- And the boy took all the fancy courses and s at college. The old man was mighty proud of . Wanted him to be a literary fellow. But old Dur- m found out what every one learns who gets his ambi- r two red—that there’s a heap of it lying around bears did quick work and kept the cash wheat lling day half a dozen of us had to get under n going to everlasting smash. 3 g Jim a candidate for a job. It didn’t take him the Lord would attend to keeping up the visible supply e had better turn his attention to the stocks of mess he was laying for me with a letter of introduction e, and when he found that I wouldn't have a private ce he applied for every other position on the premises y. I told him I was sorry, but couldn’t do any- hat we were letting men go, but I'd keep him in mind, was I didn’t think a fellow with Jim’s training would But Jim hung on—said he’d taken a fancy for the for it. Used to call by about twice a week to ut 2 month of this, he wore me down so that I stopped passing me on the street. I thought I'd find out if t to work as he pretended to be; besides, I felt that ated the boy just right, as I had delivered quite a jag s father myself. I called; “do you still want that job?” answered, quick as lightning, I you how it is, Jim,” I said, looking up to him—he was | lazy-moving six-footers—“I don’t see any chance in I de{s:and they can use another good, strong man in one gangs. that would settle Jim and let me out, for it’s no joke lug- lling barrels and tierces a hundred yards or so to the cars. ight back at me with: “Done. Who'll I report to?” way of answering, as if closing a bet, made me surer than not cut out for a butcher. But I told him, and off he start- d the foreman. I sent word by another route to see that he abort Jim until about three months later, when his name was o me for a new place and a raise in pay. It seemed he had sort job. After he had been rolling barrels awhile, and the ground down one of his shoulders a couple of inches lower than he got to scheming around for a way to make the work easier, t on an idea for a sort of overhead railroad system, by which the Id be swung out of the storerooms and run right along into the wo or three men do the work of & gang. It was just as I thought zy, but he had put the house in the way of saving so much money I couldn’t fire bim. So I raised his salary and made him assistant er and checker. kept at this for three or four months until his feet began to hurt I guess, and then he was out of a job again. It seems he had heard ung of a new machine for registering the men, that did away with most of the timekeepers, except the fellows who watched the machines, and he kept after the superintendent until he got him to put them in. Of course he claimed a raise dgain for effecting such a saving, and we just had S 3 —p One of old John “Gorgon” Graham’s letters which have made this the talk of the whole THE SUNDAY OALL. I was beginning to take an interest in Jim, so I brought him into the office and set him to copyirg circular letters. We used to send out a raft of them to the trade. That was just before the general adoption of type- writers, when they were in the experimental stage. But Jim hadn’t been in the office plugging away at the letters a_month before he had the writer’s cramp and began nosing around again. The first thing I knew he was sick- ing the agents for the new typewriting machine on to me, and he kept them pounding away until they made me give them a trial. Then it was all up with Mister Jim's job again. I raised his salary without his asking for it this time, and®put him out on the road to introduce a new product we were making—beef extract. Jim made two trips without selling enough to keep them working overtime at the factory, and then he came into my office with a long story about how we were doing it all wrong. # Said we ought to go for the con- sumer by advertising, and make the trade come to us instead of chasing it up. h That was so like Jim that I just laughed at him at first; besides that sort of advertising was a pretty new thing then, and I was one of the. old- timers who didn’t take any stock in it. But Jim just kept plugging away at me between the trips, and finally I took him off the road and told him to go ahead and try it in a small way. . Jim pretty nearly scared me to death that first year. At last he had got into something that he took an interest in—spending money—and he just fairly wallowed in it. Used to lay awake nights thinking up new ways of getting rid of the old man’s profits. And he found them. Seemed as if I couldn’t get away from Graham’s Extract, and whenever I saw it I gagged. for I knew it was costing me money that wasn’t coming back: but every time I started to draw in my horns Jim talked to me and showed me where there was a fortune waiting for me just around the corner. Graham’s Extract started out by being something that you could make beef tea out of—that was all. But before Jim had been fooling with it for a month he had got his girl to think up a hundred different ways in which it could be used, and had advertised them all. It seemed there was nothing you could cook that didn’t need a dash of it. He kept me between a chill and a sweat all the time. Sometimes, but not often, I just had to grin at his foolishness. I remember one picture he got out showing sixteen cows standing between something that looked like a letter-press, and telling how every tJ:om:d or 80 of Graham’s Extract contained the juice squeezed from a herd of steers. If an explorer started for the north pole Jim would send him a case of Extract and then advertise that it was the great heat-maker for cold climates; and if another fellow started across Africa He sent him a case, too, and advertised what a bully drink it was served up with a little ice, He broke out in a new place every day, and every time he broke out it cost the house money. Finally, I made yp my mind to swallow the loss, and Mister Jim was about to lose his job enough when orders for Ex- tract began to look up, and he got a reprieve; then he began to make ex- penses, and he got a pardon; and finally a rush came that left him high and dry in a permanent place. Jim was all right in his way, but it was a new way, and I hadn’t been broad-gauged enough to see that it was a better way. That was where I caught the connection between a college education and business. I've always made it a rule to buy brains and I've learned now that the better trained they are the faster they find reasons for getting their salaries raised. The fellow who hasn't had the training may. be just as smart, but he’s apt to paw the air when he's reaching for ideas: From ‘“‘Letters From a Seif-Made Morchant to His " by George Horace Lori- mer. By permission of Small, Maynard & Co, PUblisbers, ton, Mass, everybody is laughing at the cats that appear on this page as well as at and wisdom of the “Me- ows” them. O Some kindly disposed fellow says that there are good Congressmen. Of gourse there are, but who said so? Can he prove it? K - - ’ Ab, spring house-cleaning timel Will there be more tax dodgers? - . - Too much money is like an overdose of “booze”—pleasant while you're faking it in, but a troublesome l‘ud to carry. - . ' Poor Buffala. But thers are other Smart Sets . anhm.mhhnmmnawxhbho' when they have prerything to th-nhovy. = gl Two pugilists met lately to arrange for a fight for the world®s chamoion- ship, and the congress of sports a perfect “love feast” The Daugh- ters of the Revolution met to fight for a head, but (ring down the curtain, guick, please; the on h.loo 'hmo:v-mj). A LITTLE PINK SHOE, O et ln sainad snd wrlok is and wrinkled and torn, With a tiny hole where the littls pink toe Peeped out in the days that are gone The little pink toe was the “big MNttle pig™ to market so often would go, over and over the legend was told I kissed the little pink toe. some more,” her red lips would Hsp, the story and kiss were given and again, so happy were we motherhood's foretaste of heaven. 1y i > gain In But there came a night, with desolate blight, When death bore my idol away, /And no little toe ever peeps from the shoe, To be kissed in the same old way. ‘But my tears have deluged the little pink shoe, And stained it a deeper stain; And I long for the touch that would still me in death If it gave me my darling again. 80 when I am dead lay the little pink shos Near my heart that is silent and cold, And perhaps up above, in the sunlight of love, I shall kiss the pink toe as of old. BEFORE AND AFTER MATRIMONY. FABLE ror THE FOOLISH jugation of women. You never catch a married man, w a professional humorist, offer on the subject of the predomi the conjugal coop. He knows bet elors who fail to see the joke in marriage service. But Samson, being unm that man was the natural ruler in affairs domesti and being kept straight for sixteen hours out of the twenty: do with the production of that useful instrum ’ ] His idea of the proper adiustment of the matrimonial relation was based upon the theory that the hand that corrals the shekels is the h:m(i that rules the world According to him the male portion of the estab .s“me::n should spend the day in thawing out selected portions of the :ofi cold world, while the female contingent should sit quietly at home I:(ecmn[ one eye on the cradle and putting the socks and other equipment of the afore- said male contingent in the dry dock for repairs and general overhauling. It he should succeed in getting the landing net under some choice Delilah he confidently expected that she would sit at his feet and soak up the words of wisdom that would exude from his intellectual pores. The verdict of William the Recent that the activity of woman should be confined to the four “ks” of cooking, clothing, children and church suited him' down to the ground and as far up as he extended I_t had never oc- curred to him that William-was more orJess married himself and really meant clubs, capital, clothes and calling. Being only a man Samson never thought that any sensible woman could have -Ah:gher aim in life than to fol- low him around with a needle and thread looking for lqose buttons, or meek- 1y making a graphic chart of his appetite in order to give the cook her run- ning orders. gAt last the day came that comes to most men who are not deaf, dumb and blind or marooned on a desert island, and he paraded proudly down the church aisle, accompanied by a bunch of orange blossoms and a long white veil inhabited by Mrs. Delilah Jones, nee Robinson. At that stage of the game he firmly believed that the nee was an abbreviation of ne plus ultra; later on he wavered between needy and nefarious. Mrs. Delilah was fair, flushed and fascinating, and Samson congratulated himself on having landed a fish that seemed likely to make so little objection fo the boat or the fisher- man. He fondly but foolishly imagined that it was the bait that had done the business for her. Being only a man, as has been intimated several times, he never knew until she told him that Delilah was really the fisher- man and that he was the one who had been landed by hook or by crook. His sensitive feelings received cruel shock number one when he returned with Mrs. Delilah from a protracted visit to the honeymoon and the wife of his bosom proceeded to lay violent hands on the furniture and fixtures, wall paper, bric-a-brac and other impediments which he had inflicted on the flat of his choice. He was informed in honeyed accents that the chairs would have been quite in their element as part of the equipment of a physical culture institute, while the wall paper was redolent of suggestions of the al- coholic ward. Being new to the matrimonial business, he gasped one or long-distance gasps and then sat down heavily to call the roll o of masculine superiority to see how many of them s d be r killed, wounded or missing in the engagements. T firmly allowed to discover that he could not have hi able location for housekeeping in the whole city if he had paralytic to boot. Furthermore, Mrs. Delilah had never nothing less than a ten-room cottage with a yard and house on the side would square with her ideas of dom This was -only the beginning. As she warmed t 1ah proceeded to lay down a plan of operation for her bore about as much resemblance to his own caref .wheelbarrow to an eighteen horsepower automob riously furnished mind men always kept a hali-] and all vouchers were carefully audited by the male per regime poor Samson discovered that all he had to do wa tle yellow envelope with its contents intact every Sat ilah would do the rest. Barring a rebate of $3 ; g:rhlaslas::)thing more to it for Samson. Also he discovered that the ous friends of his sinful youth were distinctly persona non grata to Mrs. De- lilah and that the presence of tobacco smoke in the window curtains consti- tuted a compound fracture of the laws of domestic harmony. ; All these’ things and many more were impressed upon Sar:qgon in the opening months wherein he had fully expected to onstrate his masculine superiority. He learned that the man who spends coin of the realm for club #uies when there are new bonnets in the market is beneath the contempt of all self-respecting citizens. He learned also that there is no olace in the married man’s section of the hereafter for the sturdy oak who is seen on the street unaccompanied by his clinging vine aitu‘- 9 o'clock at night It was hard at first. but the habit of matrimony grows with what it feeds on, and as he grew older and tougher Samson became able to even pity thé few men whose wives let them run wild unchaperoned and un- chained. - At last accounts he was willing to testify that even the matri- monial muzzle had its advantages. The man who spends the most of his time under his wife’s thumb always knows where he is at any rate. Phe valuable law to be derived from this interesting experiment in the matrimonial laboratory is that while it takes two to make a bargain it is usually the other one who enforces it, and also that the fragility of vessels is often the best kind of protection, (Copyright, 1903, by Albert Britt.) e