The San Francisco Call. Newspaper, November 3, 1901, Page 7

D coni BT SN AN J777, A GENERAL WORD ABOUT GOOD MANNERS AND FORM. o — v ——— e oo (Copyright, 1901, by Doubleday, Page & Co.) N American traveler, when onee rallied upon the fact that.there wus no aristocracy in his country, replied, *Pardon me, you forget our women!" It was gallantly said, and characteris- tiec of the chivalry that has always been 80 marked a trait of American manhood. It is the stock reproach ameng Euro- peans toward us—ihis lack of aristocracy =which politely but thinly veils their con- viction that ‘'we are a nation of rich and 4 » ok . THE B —— fiquiette oy )4 MR/: BURTON KING/LAND prospereis parvenus, ‘We resent the re- rection because it seems to imply the lack of qualities which, to our minds, the word stands for, Now we believe the out- ward and visible signs of aristocracy are shown in perfect breeding, charm of man- ner and unfailing courtesy, of which the inward grace Is an instinctive refinement that is not merely a decorative attribute, It 18 not given to every man to be what, in common parlance, is called *“born a gentleman,”’ but if his birth be not gentie, hig manners may make him so; for “he is gentil,”” says Chaucer, *who doth gentil dedis.”” Habit is second nature, As a man may be wise without learn- ing, =0 he may be polite without eti- quette, At the root of fine manners, however, usually lle the eternal principles of kind- ness and thoughtfulness; and, as some one has said, although courtesy is not Christianity, it is a very good imitation of it, since most of the n:lrs of etiquette SUNDAY L ———— CALL. are based upon uneelfishness and the proper regard for the feeling of ther peaple The custom of leaving a card for every member of a family when calling is de igned to give assurance that cach per on Lag been distinguished individually in ONe thought We gake eareful toilets in \’:i'm:' and receiving our friends., to do them honot “Ae call promptly wpon our hostess after an entertainment to prove ourselves not ungrateful for the trouble that she has taken to give us pleasure We are expect ed to talk in low, well-bred tones that W may not disturb our neighbor's thought or conversation. A host has the first drons of a fresh bottle of wine poured into his glass, lest a bit of th‘n cork might, by chance, incommode his guest, There is a tacit understanding that we shail be agreeable to one another, always putting thé best on the outside and keep- ing our private woes (o ourselves, People have agreed upon.certain con- venticns which have through the ages grown into a code-—a decalogue of good behavior. There are circumstances where even the “golden rule”’—which exhausts ¥n.u<( u‘t‘ the reqguirements of politeness—fails n~ As an instance of this: A very young girl at her first dance was offered a seat h): her partner during one of the p:mt.im, pauses of a waltz, \vhm-onp«..n he .|'n; swered with instinctive unselfishness, lm[ with entire ignorance of «lir.mm(r-, Oh, am not tired; you sit down!”’ PR E] The conventional! conduct known as “good form,” or the lack of it, brings un- erring revelation of a person's social ad- vantages and position, and proclaims him a provincial or a cosmoupotitan. A man who attempts to combine the at- tractions of wine and of iced water by making the “sorbet” the accompaniment to his entir® dinner, or orders a lurge cup of coffeewith milk at the conclusion of the meal, may be a more worthy member (IV‘\'U\'il'I)'. a finer specimen of manhood, than the gilded youth of fashionable cir- cles, but he would not be regarded as a man of refinement, hardly as a g\:n(lf:— man, by the privileged classes here or in L'll.’ll:ul“:-:uclul code has been written and reviewed as much or more perhaps lh‘un any other code of laws in the world, The whirligig of time brings about so many changes that what was mlhmh.:},\ in one age is heterodoxy in the next. For exam- ple, twenty years ago the favorite man ner of announcing an engagement in New York was for the happy couple to be ‘she is a good one and [ rr ‘ B een arm in arm on me fashionable ghfare on Sunday artier chucch “"How vu,gar! Liow provincial! 23 clamms the present generation But what would they think of the manners of Hur more remote forbears, when, as bride and groom makimg their first appearance in church, they proudly took the most prom inent seats and in the middie of the sev- mon dehberately roge and turned slowly around several times to display their weu- ding fhinery fuily and unbiushingiy? 'U'his. extraordinary exhibition is vouched for upon undisputably good authority. The word "etiquette’” meant originally a ticket or tag atrixed to a bag or bundle to note itg contents. From this the word paseed to certain cards, which, during the reign of Louis X1V of France, were given by the court lunectionary to eaca guest, upon which were written the chief rules ot the conduct to be observed. The word has been preserved-—for lack of a better— to express the recognized standard of be- havior among persuns entitied to be con- sidered in good society. Its medern Eng- lish equivatent is “good form.” 7The one expression ig as cpen to the reproach af being ‘““slang” as the other, Our own gocial code is patterned largely after the usages in favor among the Muog- lish upper classes, although there are oc- casions upon which we are a law unto ourselves. The “Mother-isle”, sets us the exampie, but, having reached our matur- ity, we, in common with other grown-up childrem, assume the direction of cur con- duct when we please. Daniel Webster said, after a visit to Engiand: “The rule of politeness there is to be quiet, act naturally, take no airs and make no bustie. This perfect hreed- ing has cost a great deal of driil.” We have umong ourselves a large cluss of quiet ladies and gentlemen, with minds broadened by travel and association with cultured people, with inherited traditions of good breeding and well versed in the social ethics of the older civilizations. To them we may defer, to them safely loak for direction, It is only the chimney-corner philos- opher who gcorng and sneers at learning the rules of etiquette. In the changeful conditions of our so- slety, where, unirammeled by class re- striction, all may make their way to emi- nence, there is need of guidance in mut- ters social and fortunately a universal recognition ot their importance. Many, all cver the country, are asking for di- rection and for definite laws of conduct 10 be observed, according to the most re- cent decrees of fashion. There is nothing derogatory to us that we are not all conversant with the latest forms of conventionality, Our society is in evolution, but the' anxiety to learn, tho. often painful dread of making a mistake, is reassuriug. They are “growing pains.”’ Bonaparte took lessons of the great actor, Talma, how to comport himself in his new dignity and had his court drilled in etiquette as he did his army in militury tactics. When the great Catherine of Russia gave receptions to her nobility she wus obliged to publish certain rules of con- duct that would be unnecessary now wit the most untaught peasant. Gentlemen were not to get drunk bhefore the feasr was ended: ladies were enjoined not . wipe their mouths on the table cloth, an. noblemen were forbidden to strike the r wives in company. The curiosity is sti to be met with, in books on table fu.: and the edict no doubt was needed. Formerly there was an etiquette of w: The Frenchmen at Fontenoy, face to fic- with their English opponents, polite bade tMem “fire first.” But these wci.- mannered men oppressed their peasante, and in private broke all the commanl- ments of courtesy which we revere, This discrepancy betweenorm and fact has brought discredit upon the subjec: of pclite observances in the minds of some, who say: “Give us truth before all things.” They say that rules of eti- quette involve a degree of dissimulatica that often implicates us in positive hypuc- risy, in unequivocal falsehood that none should justify. They ask “Why palliate untruthg because they seem a kind of su- cial obligation?” - This is a question for social casuists to decide. No thinking person would under- value truth, but, like -aull good things, it may be carried to excess. A very amiable woman once called upon a friend with a new-born baby. “Isn’t she a pretty baby?” asked the delighted mother. An affirmative answer was given, but the next day the mother reccived a note saving: “On reflection I have con- cluded that I was not truthful when I saild your haby was pretty. I do not think her a pretty baby, but I don't doubt that hope may prove a great joy to you.” One cannot but feel that In this instance Truth was wounded in the house of her friends. The deeper truth of kindness and sympathy that for the moment saw the baby through its mother's loving eyes was sacrificed to the surface truth that appeared after cool and unsympathetic reflection, ‘We are not justified, however, In de- claring to a friend that we are bored at an entertainment and are going home and in the next breath telling our hostess that we are indebted to her for a very delight- ful evening. Nor may we say to our friend, “Don’t introduce me to that cad,” and the next minute while shaking his hand repeat the formula, “Happy to meet you''—unless one can gay it in such level perfunctory tones that conventionality owes nothing to cor- diality and yet is satisfied. Politeness consists in repressing ill- natured comments in the first place, not in asserting the contrary afterward, There are a few persons who are rebel- lious about some rules of etiquette which seem nuseless for those of high moral cal- iber: but as other laws are made for the majority, so are those of social conven- tiony especially for those who are prone to transgress. Under the head of such forms come the rules of chaperonage and most important it is that all young men and women sheould observe the formalities ordained, in their intercourse with each other, no mattar how well-fitted they may be in par- ticular instances to take care of them- selves. One is compelled sometimes to make personal sacrifices for the good of the many. Of course very few.of the rules of good form are absolute and unchangeable and they must be more or less regulated by the standards of the people one lives with and the recuirements of the place .n which one resides. The old riddle asks. “What is the key- note to good manners?"” The answer. *Re natural,” Natural manners are alwayvs the most charming, provided that one is well bred, otherwise the self-revelation is unpleasant. The *“fashionable’ manner of to-day is simple, cordial and free from all affectation, Good manners inspired bv goad prin- ciples, prompted by good fellowship, pol- ished by good form, will fit one for good soclety anywhere.