The San Francisco Call. Newspaper, May 26, 1901, Page 8

“LOOK ouUT FOR e BOoM." OME of these cheap friends of mine think they have the best on me yet. I came pretty near being it for the dead wagon, let me teil you I haven't been doing a thing but wear bandages and complexion masks and What's matter? Oh, nothing much — only hought I would do a yachting stunt ou see, Joe always been swel about w good he felt, and coid plunges that sort of rot. I mever took stock in that flubdub, but the other day we met pick sunburn peel off my hands. at lunch, he told the swellest time he had with a birds from the theater. Say, have been up of a nice little feed on board lots of singing and just enough wind around and make the other on it. Well, he got my enthusiasm, all right. 1 asked him why he didn't let me take a chance when there was something doing like that. He said: “Why, Jollop, I've tried time and again to get you on the water, but you didn’t seem to be much on aquatic: Well, you know, I am not such a pile on matters connected with the . but I do ow a few apt terms. I got them down t from running a half-column a week of sailing news when I worked on a paper in Nevada. The idea of that select afternoon with congenial spirits kind of took my fancy, so I said if he would give me another throw I would be with him on the square, “Come along next ¥, then,” said d I said: “I'm your man; count do you know anything about sailing’ sai@ he. *“Oh, a few,” said I carele FEATS OF MALAY GYMNASTS T STOUNDING gymnastic feats, evi- / \\ dencing remarkable physical endur- L’_\ nce, are being performed just now the large cities of the European con ¥ & troupe of Malays. of performers comprises two nd three women. The chief’s name vida. His star feat has thrilled im- audiences. Deavida places a long 00 stick, whick is adjusted in a mov- abdomen, and then n a semi-vertical posi- eme point in midair. An throws & mnDumber of els to him, which he catches es on his head. He is able to ilibrium on the bamboo inutes. 1 of b oupe are young and rka pretty, hailing from the hwest coast of India. At home these ajade: or dancers in the are agile and efficient in an papers describe their in their art. fire and evil dances as “hair-raising” effort on the spectators. alabar, the second man of the com- , excels his companion in feats of E3 P~ strength and in the faker's art. It is med for him that his ancestors for rous generaticns e recorded ture of his performance consist ishing from view on th ze while speak- uttering weird incantations before That it is all an optical il- ficult to understs nd person and no cloth or article of i nds of Malabar. empty ferward and backward lights, then, without a word of warn he is gone. H E den and inexplicable as He ands, walks peforg the foot- tng, These pecple have never perfc side of their d. American shcwmen have ma fiattering ofiers Ur but all of\the dedned. ‘t is they are especially the women, Who are undure the rigo unable to us climate of Northern Curope, and they are in deadly fear of sing the ocean. | v with when the dead feign life, or seem done is dif- | “All right,” said he. “We'll make it a nice iittle home party for your maiden run. T've got to square myself with my wife this week, so you and I will take her and her sister out.” Now, I wasn't stuck on that a little bit. I'm not partlal to these nice little family parties. But, see, 1 had come in, so 1 thought I might as well stay with the game and later on t in to some of Joe's swell ti you Ever see Joc's wife's sister? Say, she's a winner, all right. Beautiful blonde— Lair all good, too, 1 think, as well as I could sec with my glasses. Great, big girl. 1 was glad I had bought some of the right things in yachting duds; nice white duck: i a blue cap with gold braid. I don't generally swell up about my ap- pearance, but I was O. K. We looked around cver the clubhouse and 1 got along up G with the st Then we were rowed o to Joe's boat where she was staked, about a hundred yards from ¥ in ster. He's got a pretty decent outfit but more money than 1 would want to tie up in a bunch of boards and paint. Say, you'd THE SUNDAY CALL. {mever think he owned a yacht, to see the ,Fi& he puts on; when he gets dressed for {business *he locks like a cheap painter Just down from the side of a tenement house. But he said that's the thing own- ers wear, and only imitation guys dress up. He's off\on some things The first thing he did was to make ma tale offt my hot shoes and put on a pair ©of rubber-soled canvas boys for fear I would serateh the biamed paint. Old wet ones cut of a dark corner of the cabifi. Well, that was on me. Then he said it was blowing a bit outside and I'd better put on one of those coats that the milkmen { wear on a rairy morn. I looked like a vellow freckle. You bet I don't want a yacht unless it is a steam ferry with plenty of men to work it. I nearly pulled a lung out haul- fng up a bunch of blocks they call the chickens and letting go the moorings. Every command on shipboard I find is “Let go.” 1 suppose some poor seasiclk devil invented the term. We nearly ran the clubhouse down be- cause Joe yelied tu me to “let go" the #ib and T untfed the first rope I got my hand on—you know 1 am quick in an emergency—and let down the center- board. To save the clubhouse we ripped into the mud and Joe passed the buck up to me, saying he thought I knew a jib sheet from a beer barrel, Well, you know reading how to do things {s all right, but T discovered 1 knew ademuch about run- ning a boat as a cent plece does about working a nickel-in-the-slot machine, ! Joe made me get out In a small boat with one of the nibs from the clubhouse who came to help and 1 nearly tore the palms out of my hards before we got off the mud. Well, when we got a clean start we just tore things up. First rattle out of the Box the wind won that $4 gold-braid hat of mine. No use trying to look decent when you go out with Joe. He said it would do me good to get my face tanned. I got it That's the reason 1'm wearing a cold- cream mask now. Off the island Joe velled “‘Come about!” and turned the wheel to beat the band. I was standing up doing the polite to the ladies. He sings out “Look out for the Boom."” I suppose I thought they were going to fire a gun on shore by way of salute as we went by and I hstened for the boom. It’s lucky my teeth aré not false. I lost everything else that movable and came mighty near doing the sink or swim act. Joe swore and sail we had missed our stays. Now, as a general rule I don’t use pro- fanity before ladies, but 1 couldn’t he'p throwing in that I didn’t care a whoop in hell If we misse ‘Le W island. It was ail right the the girls laughed, so T didn’t reéfer to the matter w ole h. because again. It was so rough we had to hold on to something all the time to keep from fali- ing in. I would Like to have held on to the sister—my, but she nner!— but it was all 1 could do to watch the roll of the boat on my own account with- out doing mi: nary work. She grabbed me once, and 1 guess saved life; I was not taking much notice at the time. my You know, you ean't get seasick on the bay—so Joe says. But the general excite- ment had upset me a little. The only glad tidings T had from home was the hard wad. Hard wad's what they call the booze in select yachting circl that is, the 'skee; beer comes under the head of soft. Joe sald I'd better take some hard wad, and I did what was right —You know, that was a fearful crack I got on the neck. fay, when you drink cut of a demijchn you get more than you think you do. Those girls were all right. They hit the hard wad a bit- just encugh to be good fellows, but not too much. And the way they knew the numes of the ropes and what to do was a marvel. It was just as well, because I was a little on the, pork as a =aflor. ] d'dn't put Joe on particu- larly, but I gucss he was wise, He was go0d enough to say that the lick I got off the fsland was erough to do anybody up, and he would take me from the crew and write me down on the passenger Iist. T found that to keep away from that tired feeling in my stomach I had to hit the hard wad outfit pretty rapid. But it doesn't affect you much when you have the fresh salt breeze blowing In your face, You ouvght to Lave been around taking points to sec the way we “picked up our moorings,” as Joe says, 1 did some great work with tke boathook pinching the bunch of chickens, and nearly went over- board, Cister waid it was a good stunt on my part, though, #o 1 followed the lead and asked her to go driving with me in the park If we cver got on dry land. Say, #he's all right! The doc says I won't be out for a week yet, but when I do T'll make it good. When we rowed over In the small boat and finally landed on the float [ felt so happy that 1 fngisted upon pussing around a farewell flask that I had with me and doing a few fancy steps. 1 guess I was a little g2y, but not enough to call for trouble. A guy who had just joined the eclub and had taken his wife and brother and «ster out for a sall landed his party just then on the float. It seems he was 1 little rore on some remarks Joe's the- ctrical friends had passed before his wife's crowd a week ago. He had been kicking about members bringing gay birds around to the club where they were apt to be bumped up against other fellows’ wives. I didn't know that. I thought these people were a lot of jolly fellows like us. I offered the main stem my flask. He turned to his friend and remarked in a free-for-all stage whisper: “This is as bad as last week. This club should take action to protect its mem- bers from drunken roisterers and their female frie Pretty good words, those, eh! ‘emale friends Joe was next to the intimation and knew that his wife would be asking questions about that “‘bad last week.” He got hot in the collar and talked back quick. He said: *I understand that that re- mark is addressed against my party, and you'll have to apologi This lady Is wife and this is her sister.” Joe al- 's had a very careless way about stirring up trouble. I will say it for the other fellow that - was dead game, for he wasn't as vig Joe, but he cut in with: “I don't give a damn who they are.”’ Then they com- menced passing them out pretty liveiy. | ce had the long end of the stick right | rom the start and did splendid work. | I tried to do the interested bystander | gag just ofthand for a minute, for I have feigned death exactness, Lut persons marvelous to feign life, the spectacle. is: us grewsome as can well be imagined. ago a Ru: n cemetery was of as weird a wedding as ever witnessed. A young girl who had of her mar- ded that in the has bes been betrcthed died on the’ev riage, and her friends ds | spite of the intervening hand of death the ! body wa marriage should be carried on, y pvas performed at the and after the marriage the returned to the cofin and low- ered to its long resting place. It is less than a year ago that a valu- able cup was won In a bicycle race i | Australia by a man who was dead when he passed the winning post. The race took lace at an ‘“electric light carnival,” so alled, in the presence of 10,000 spectators. In the last lap James Somerville, a rider, forged to the front and secured such a lead that his victory w sured. When within twenty-five vards of the finish he w en to relax his hold on the handle bar and to relax his hold on thc pedals. Tle did not fall from the machine, ~owever, and amid frantc cheers dashed by the goal, winning the race by haif a wheel. As he passed the finishing post he pitched for- ward and fell to the ground. When he was picked up he was found to be dead, and what was more, the doctors declared that death had come to him when he was seen to lose his hold cf the handle bars. It was a dead body that had ridden the T crulsing about of British Columbia when she sighted a dismasted ship. The Arietis bore down upon the derelict, and as she got TO AWAKEN near enough a man was scen un board grasping the wheel and apparently steer- ing the craft. No other signs of man was seen on the ship. The man at ihe wheel | was hailed but returned no answer—just | stood there grasping the spokes of the | wheel and looking gtraight ahead. A boat was lowered and the mysterous ship boarded. When they came close to the man at the wheel they saw with horror | that he was dead and had evidently been | dead for many days. The ship, which | was named the General Siglin, had sailed from San Francisco for Alaska. She had clearly becn gismantled in a gale and then | abandoned by her crew. The captain bad | refused to leave the ship, and finding strength falling he had lashed himself | to the wheel and literally died at his post, | steering the craft for hundreds of miles | with hands that held the wheel in as firm | a grip as when alive. : THE NEXT THING | KNEW [ WAS IN THE WE=T. could see that it was winners hands down for Joe without me. But the big brother thought there out to be some- thing doing all along the line. He started for me. Now you know I never look for trouble of that sort. But what could I do? I couldn't fall down with Joe's sistér-in- law looking at me. I'm quick in an emergency, all right, and I guess I would have made good if it hadn't been for the sea roll in my legs and the spray on my glasses. You know, for a hundred- and-thirty-pound man I can place a hot bunch of fives on the old punching bag I have down in the cellar. I just almed to give that fellow an aurora borealls in the pit of the stomach. I sidestepped a little too far. The next thing I knew I was in the wet all right, all right. I might have been it even then, but when I came up I had lost my glasses and couldn’t even see where the clubhouse had gone. What made me feel so — bad was that I heard that big duffer’s sister say, ““Oh, hels not hurt; he only fell in the water,” ahd then added something about too much lquor. The last I couldn’t catch very well, because I was busy doing the three times up and a morgue slab act. L knew I was off as a hero in the eyes of ter, but still I hated to vell. It was evident those mariners are uvsed to people falling overboard who can swim. 1 commenced to think that they had all concluded to give me the go-by, for fear I might feel hurt at at- tracting attention. Well, I'll tell you, by the time I had come up for the eighteenth and was blowing water like a spouting whale I didn’'t do a thing but vocalize on high C. T kept down trin unti I touched bottom, and I filled my lungs up with so much bad liquid coming up again that I felt like a blow- hole in a piece of Swiss cheese. #Then it was that those geezers came to the conclu t was time to take a hand, and somebody grabbed me with a boat- hook. It is strange how foolish people can be about handling sharp tools. He not only ripped a gash in my shoulder, but busted the back out of my new coat. They finally got some hard wad down me and I got up and took notice. I looked like just about 5 cents’ worth of skimmed milk. You see—now this is on the quiet— I had bought some navy blue underwear to go with the ducks and I hadn’t thought it worth while to spend 38 per for fast colors. Well, the darned things turned me Into a blue-streaked hyena and every body laughed. I d have licked the whole crowd if I 't been shy on my glasses. I had to wear a sixteen collar and a fat man’s trousers home. The :doctor has been coming every day since and I hope he gets his money some time. I feel a little better now that the sun- burn has commenced to peel. I'm getting a complexion Hke a new-born babe. but my glasses hurt my nose so I can’t read. I had such a nice note from sister. Say, that girl’s all right. She tells me that Joe has just bought his wife a sealskin. TO PARE ELEPHANT'S CORNS TLLIAM SNYDER, elephant &/z eper and chiropodist,” is the way his cards should read, but Snyder is not proud of his work in removing corns and clipping toenails from the feet of his huge charges in the Centrl Park Zoo, so he is content to be known merely as “the elephant man.” Julie and Tom, the huge beasts that eat all the peanuts that visitors will give them, are anxious to be given the free- dom of thelr back vards. They feel the spring warmth and they want to be out of doors. But during the winter the five toenails on each of the ponderous feet have grown several inches and must be trimmed, and corns weighing perhaps ten pounds each have been formed on the soles of the feet. These toenails and corns must be removed, and Keeper Sny- der is the man who must do it. Snyder explains that swild elephants keep their toenails worn short and the soles of their feet thin by exercise. While in captivity, lack of exercise causes corns and bunions to form and the toenalls be- come too long and are frequently “in- growing.” Tom has been manicured be- fore, and Smyder expects little trouble X3 with him, as he knows that the use of rasp, jack plane, drawing knife and prun- ing shears is a necessary part of his spring toilet. “Julie s a worse proposition,” says Snyder. “She knows nothing about the fine points of pedicure, and she is ner- vous, like mest women. She will try to kill me, sure. “She won't lie down when I tell her, and she won't stay down when she's there. She utterly refuses to put her foot on the block. and she gets frightened to death when we try to tie her. You might Just as well try to tie down a locomotive when she gets frightened. “T'll take her in the morning, when we can lock all the doors and thers won't be any spectators around to get killed. We'll get ,all the helpers to manage her and ues all the rope in the park if necessary. “People will hear her down at the Bat- tery, but her corns have got to be cut if we have to call out the militia. When the elephants get mad that way they stir up all the other animals, and thers will be a chorus singing that will make Central Park sound like the jungles of Africa mixed with the prairies of the frontier.” THE MONKEY AND THE TURTLE- P MONEKEY happened by where a J j Lowly Turtle lay Sunning him- J 7\ self upon a Log. “Ho, ho!” laughed the Monk. “what a Funny Looking Gazabe thou art, to be Sure!” and he whooped and Howled and slapped himself upon the Thigh till the tears ran down his Fece. Now such things did not Look Good to the Turtle, who was a Solemn Guy and not given to ebullitions of Unseemly Mirth. “If it cometh to That,” he said, “by Pollux and Dern thou thyself art no Prize Beauty! Also, thou wouldst look Ten Times Worse than I wert thou to take a Plunge, for verily, what appeareth Most Swell on Land looketh like Four Cents in the ‘Water!” and he slid from his Perci upon the Log and did diverse and many Graceful Stunts in the Deep Pool below. Now the Monkey was a Wiss Gazip wht believed himself able to trump Any Lead, from hanging all day by the Tail to blowing the Big Horn on the Day of Judgment. “What one hath done another can dol” he said. “Now Watch Me and you'll get Some Pointers!” and he Dived off with a IMighty Splash. “Pouf!” strangled the Monk, ‘“thou ert homely, but truly thou art more &t home in the water than I!” And the Turtle had the Tip of his Nose above water. “He, he!” he snig- gered, “I may be homely, but I am uot a Fooll—and lo! now art thou both!” “Alas!” gurgled the Monk, as he Went Down for the Last Time, “too Late I Have Discovered that Any Eool can Dive, but not Every Fool can Swim Out!”—and the Lowly Turtle Dined off him Later On. 4 Moral: Before thou laugh at a Jay try how thou wouldst look in a Patch- ed Shirt and Overalls. Second Plunk: The Graceful Danc- ing Master would look like a Bad Dream were he rigged up and trying to follow a Plow. And Verily: As the podr Monkey observed, it is Dead Easy to Dive In, but it is quite Another Thing to Be able }.a Swim Out. o | MR. B. ESOP UP TO DATE. (Copyright, 1901, by A. J. Moore.) [ | ; "THE KUMAN FIEND AND THE FOOL. HUMAN Fiend once slew a Q whole family under circum- stances of Great Atrocity; yea, verily, he tortured his Victims and then burned them Alive, wherefore men took him and placed him On Iea. “Thou art the Criminal of the Cen- tury!” said they, “and Thou wilt look Quite Swell at the end of a Rope.” So they took timbers and builded 2 Gallows. And Morbid people made pilgrim- ages of Many Miles to see the Fiend, also they trampled one another into a Rich Paste trying to Shake his Hand; for that is the Way many people Are Built. > Then came divers and many Fe- male Fool Idiots to Blubber and faint ond grow Hysterical over the Human Fiend; likewise they brought unto him fruit and flowers and Fried Chicken. For know, O Friends, that, though the Fool Idiot looketh like a Woman, yet hath she Mush instead of Brgins and an Eye that leaketh No Tear for Honest Wretchedness but gusheth forth like a busted Water Main for the Human Fiend who hath commit- ted some Heinous Crime against ‘Womanhood. And when the Fiend was Led Forth to the Gallows the Female Fool Idiots were On the Spot with a Large Wad of Maudlin Sympathy. “We'll meet thee in a Better ‘World!” squealed the Fool Idiots, “because there can be No Doubt that thou hast a Through Ticket And a Reserved Seat in the very First Row —thou art so Lovely! Farewell till we Meet Again, O sweetest of Hu- man Fiends!” and they howled, one &nd all, and slobbered down his Neck and Bored him exceeding Bad, even so that he was possessed of a Tired Feel- ing and spake unto them, saying: “Go to! Thou hast been Very Good to me! yet candor forces me to the Ob- servation that if thou contemplatest visiting the Better World, then will I sell my Through Ticket to a Scalper end ride a Brakebeam to the Other Resort, for of a Truth thou art Too Many, even for the Stomach of a Hu- man Fiend!” and he bade the hang- man Make Haste that he might Es- cape Them. Then he Passed Out and the Fool Idiots went their Way looking for another Monster. There was Misery in Plenty all along their Pathway— deserving Misery—yet did they give it the Boston Stare and refuse to Slosh Over, for were they not Fool Idiots? And was there not Sour Musk iu their heads instead of Womanly Brains? Yea, verily! Moral: Sympathy is a blessed thing—but be sure it is not Mor- tidity. Second Moral: Were the Devil to visit the earth he would have a Dele- gation of Fool Idiots to Meet him at the Station. Third Chug: There be Many Fools in the World, but the Fool that Slop- peth Over and pitieth the Depraved Murderer is the ona that driveth Men to Drink. .Glossy Hide.” THE 6RAGE AND SAGE went forth into the fields A to commune with Nature a Few. Now the Sage was a Senti- mental old Geezer who possessed a heart that was bursting with the love of Nature and Bugs and Things; also he loved to promulgate Theories &nd call them Facts. And it came to pass that the Sage met a Farmer with Burrs in his whiskers riding upon a Downcast Ass. “Ho, Friend,” called the Sage, “Thou hast there a most Pious-Look- ing beast. Behold, I am a lover of Nature and I fain would stroke his ‘Wherefore he ap- proached the animal from Behind. “Get Wise!” cried the Farmer. “Have no Dealings with That End unless thou Hankerest for a Harp and Crown! Of a Truth thou hadst Muca Better Charge a Battery!” “Go to!” said the Sage, sternly. “What knowest thou about the Lower Kingdom? I have a theory that an Animal knoweth instinctively when it meeteth a true Lover of Nature,” and he put Forth his Claw, to Stroke the Tired Beast. Then did the Meek Ass heave a Weary Sigh and wriggle one ear Slightly. The Next Instant the Sag> was doing the Aerial Dive Reversed. “Save Me!” he wailed. “It is well to cry ‘Save Me’ after thou hast Gotten it in the Neck!™ auoth the Scared Farmer, “but the Safest Man is the one who taketh even the advice of a Fool and Stayeth cut of Danger!” Then he rode away furiously for the Hook and Ladder Company, for was not the Sage hang- ing by the slack of his Trousers in tha 1op of a Tall Tree?. Yea, verily! Moral: Monkey with buzzsews if it pleaseth thee, but allow not thy THE JACKASS. wails to pastire around where they will Pester thy Neighbors. é Second Tip: Be not superstitious, but when thou observeth a nervous movement in a mule’s Hind Leg it is well to remember that there may be something in signs after all. And verily, my Son: Never whack & Canister with a sledge-hammer to see if it containeth Dynamite. Give it the benefit of the Doubt and Pass On. The Theme: A Theory is not Neces- garily a Fact.