The San Francisco Call. Newspaper, May 17, 1897, Page 4

CHA};LES M. SHORTRIDUE, | Editor and Proprietor. SUBSCRIPTION RATES—Postage Free: Daily and Sunday CALL, one week, by carrier..§0.18 Daily and Sunday CALL, one year, by mail Daily and Sund: nchs, by mail., Daily sand Sunday CALi 1onths by mail 1.50 Daily snd Sunday CALL, one month, by mail. .65 Bunday CALL, ony 2 W LKLY CALL, OBe y EUSINESS OFFICE: 710 Marke: Street, #£an Francisco, California. Telephone......... <ieueeen. MAID—1868 EDITORIAL ROOMS: 3 Ulay Sireen Telephone. Maln-1874 | BRANCH OFFICES: | gowery s.reet, coraer Clay; open natll E K 39 Hayes street; open until 8:30 o'clock. 615 Larkin street, open until 9:30 o'clock. sW corner Sixteent and Mission streets, open o'cloe 2618 Mission open untll 9 o'clock. 167 Ninth street, open unti! 9 o'ct 1505 Polk s:reet; open unil 9:80 o'clock. NW. corner Tweuty-second and Kentucky atreets; open till 9 o’clock. OAKLAND OFFICB: 908 Brosdway. EASTERN OFFICE: Rooms 81 and 4 Park Row. New York Cltys DAVID M. FOLTZ, Kasiern Manager. “THE CALL SPEAKS FOR ALL- THE SUMMER MONTHS. ¥ itry ona vacaton ? It ward THE CALL to t miss you for yon will the carrier or left at prompt attention. Cuba claims attention t. week. McKinley will say the right thing in the right way Aldrich wil schedule puz probably explain the sugar le next Thursday. The defect in the mak is that he won’t referce says so. After all the Chapman case may srouse the Senators more than Cuba and the tariff put together. p of the Turk break away when the Advocates of international arbitration are not pointing to the concert of Europe with any visible amount of pride. In his latest poem, Rudyard Kipling called Canada *‘the lady of snows,” and the Canadians are now protesting that the epithet is an insult to the climate. While we ar breastworks, Europe is bombarding our industry with manufactured goods, and | the shot is landing fast and heavy. | protection | The dry weather fs mot very good for | raising crops, but it has a strong tendency toward raising prices, and in one way or another the farmer will get a benefit, + When President’s message on the Cuban situation is read Morgan will have an opportunity to schieve fame by re- maining silent and letting some one else talk. The President’s message on Cuba prom- ises to_be the big event of the week, but there is o ng but tha the unex- pected may happen and eclipse it alto- | gether. Eeveral Eastern papers that have always abusea Senator Tillmen are now patting him on the back and urging him to use hbis pitchfork on the muck of the sugar scandal. If the House of Representatives would adjourn for the summer and leave Speaker | Reed and Jerry Simpson to meet twice a week it wi be just as satisfactory to the pub! The first notable tof the establish- ment of Greater New York has been a | combination of Chicago and St. Louis to pool their issues and go for the big metropolis like a thousand of brick. Now that the New Yorkers have their | great city, they are haunted by a carking fear that Tammany may gobble the whole | thing, and are already half-way sorry that they made it co big. If.the increased duty on beer is not stricken out of the tariff the makers of beer mugs will have a good chancs to fur- nish the country with a complete new outfit of a slightly smaller holding ca- pacity. The large number of girls who have arrived in New York to seek empioyment | in domestic service is all right from some points of view, but where is the chance of the American girl in a competition of that kind? The merchants of New York are said to bave been so pleased with the increase of retail business caused by the influx of visitors to attend the Grant celebration that they are now tryingto getup a move- ment to bave tombs erected along River- side drive for all the deceased ainitaries in the countr. Amid all adverse criticisms of the way in which she treated her invited guests at the Grant monument dedication, New York has one cousolation: Sir Julian Pauncefote has written a letter cordially thanking the city for its generous and courtly hospitality. Itis well understood, of course, that Sir Julian has a great reputation for diplomacy A New York clubman entertained thirty guests at a supper at which nothing was served but beefsteak and beer, and yet, according to the New York Press, the bill amounted to §9397, or more than $3 a plate. It will be cean that the price of beef must be very high in the Eastern metropolis, or else the New York capacity for beer is something to astonish a West- erner. The railway across the Andes, which is to connect Valparaiso with Buenos Ayres, 18 said to be approaching completion, and communication between the two cities will then be shortened from twelve days to two and a half. Large results in acom- mercial way are expected from the new line, and we may profit by it in California it we develop cur South American trade with proper enterprise and sagacity. It is announced that the “Zoo” in Cen- tral Park, New York, has been :ncreased by the addition of a military monkey, a horned owl and s kinkajou. The military monkey was doubtless left over from the staff of some Governer after the Grant varade, the horned owl could have been easily gathered in from the tenderioin on the night after the procession, but from | whence came the kinkajou, or what is his other name, are things we cannot even guess at McKINLEY AND CUBA. The expected message from the Presi- dent on the condition of affairs in Cuba is the chief object of interest at the capital at this time. No one looks for anything sensational or aggressive, but there is an earnest hope that the President sees some way of putting an end to much of the evil that is now being wrought in Cuba and will be able to submit to Congress a plan for accomplishing that greatly desired re- sult. For some days the reports from Wash- ington have been full of rumors more or less authentic of the facts upon which the President would base his message and of guessas at the conclusions he would draw trom them. These bave dealt with stories of wrong done to American residents in the isiand and with the sufferings they have undergone. It seems to be the gen+ eral beliel in Washington that the Presi- dent will urge Congress to take some action for the relief of at least the Amer- ican citizens who bave lost their property during the war and who are now in many cases destitute of the necessaries of life. Whether he will go further and recom- mend some inte:ference or mediation on our part to put an end to the war alto- gether is not clearly known, and it is the uncertainty on that impertant point that makes the subject one of;such universal interest. It is satisfactory to note that even in this uncertainty in regard to the exact policy the administration will urge upon Congress no one feels the least uneasiness or anxiety. The people have confidence in the wisdom as well as in the patriotism of the President and his advisers We have no longer an un-American admin- istration to manage our foreign affairs. The country therefore awaits the coming message with interest, but without any symptoms of a war scare, or any fears that the welfare of our citizens abroad will be sacrificed through indifference to their cluims or torough subservience to Span- ish influences. It would be indeed most gratifying to the country if the message shouald disclose some means of action on our part by which this cruel, wasteful and useless war could be promptly closed. Cuba is so close to our shores and so much a part of our geographical system that ber welfare cannot be wholiy separated from ours. We lose much in the way of valuable trade by every monthof the war, and, moreover, the continuance of the struggle entails a considerable expense upon our Government to prevent filibusters and shipments of arms to the Cubans. We have, therefore, interests in the strugele which justify our interference if we deem it advisable to do so. The American people desire to keep the pesce with Spain and intend to fulfill toward her all the duties of one nation to another, but we cannot permit the Cuban war to go on forever, and for that reason the saministration would find a cordial sap- port from men of all parties if it should outlice a policy which would promise an end (o the struggle and the independence of Caba. REVENUE FROM TEA. The proposition that a revenue of $10,000,000 be raised by placing an import tax of 10 cents & pound on tea has led to no little discussion, and asa result the public is receiving a good deal of light on some of the inner mysteries of the tea trade. The removal of the duty on tea, we are told, did not benefit the consumer a par- ticle, for the selling price remains the same as before and the quality of the tea imported has atly decreased. The consumption, moreover, has declined ince the removal from 152 to 1.34 pounds per capita, and it is argued that the de- cline was caused by the removal of the duties, since that action has resulted in the importation of immense quantities of very cheap, inferior tea—‘‘the sweepings of the tea-houses of China, Japan and India.” Although the consumers pay an aver- age of 50 cents per pound for their tea it can be laid down in New York, according to Robert T. Porter, for 10 cents a pound, and the average of all grades is only 13.5 cents a pound. This shows that the bene- fits of free imports do not go into the pockets of the consumer. Itis stated asa well-known fact that in countries where tea is dutiable the average quality of -the leaf imported is always much saperior to that brought to this country. It is to be noted in this connection that the commis-ioners appointed unaer the act of Congress last March to consider the importation of impure and unwholesome tea has finished its labors. Sixteen stan- dards of tea have been established, and all along the line of the various qualities, two grades above what has formerly been ad- mitted, will now be required. In the case of green teas, which, to a far greater ex- tent than biack teas, bave been imported in adulterated and spurious qualities, the new law, if enforced, will be, itis said, a practical exclusion to all but a few grades. There will be much protection in this law from unwholesome teas if the exam- iners in the ports of New York, S8an Fran- cisco and Chicago attend to their business vroperly. The proposed tax will aid in | excluding trashy teas by making it un- profitable to import them. The tea-deal- ers are reported to be in favor of the duty, and itis not likely that consumers will feel it. Tt must be borne in mind, more- over, that the daty s levied purely as an emergency tax to meet the deficit caused by the Democratic tariff. D0GS IN COURT. The fine canines who are to meet in the Mechanics’ Pavilion on Wednesday would doubtless be much insuited if they could know that the United States Supreme Court has recently decided that dogs are not property, because they partake rather of the nature of ““feree naturz” than of use- fal,civilized animals, Itis well for their feel- ings that they cannot read the papers and see that the supreme wisdom of the land bas classed them among wid beasts or they might raise a great Lowl of indigna- tion about it. The case passed on by the court was the suit of a Louisiana man against a railway company for $200 for killing hisdog. In the decision the court said: “The very fact that they are without the protection of the criminal laws shows that property in dogs is of an imnerfect or qualified nature, and that they stand s it were between animals, ‘fere nature,’ in which until subdued there is no property, and domesticated animals in which the right of property is complete. They are not considered as being upon the same plane as horses, cattle, sheep and other domes- tic animals, but rather in the category of cats, monkeys, parrots, singing birds and similar animals kept for pleasure, curiosity or caprice. Unlike other domestic ani- mals, they are useful neither as beasts of burden, for draught, nor for food.” Many an owner of a valuable dog will be inclined to question the wisdom of this de- cision. To think thata railway company orany one eise can destroy the lives of their pets and not be liao'e for damages is exasperating. Perhaps some of those who | set most store upon their pets can console | themselves with considering that some dogs are not less but more than property. There seems much justice in the Louisiana law that dogs 1o be recognized as property must be placed upon the assessment rolls, otherwise many a worthless cur would suddenly become of great value as soon as he was killed. The summing up of the dog's condem- nation, “they are useful neither as beasts of burden, for draught, nor for food,” has an odd sound, for surely there is along list of usefulnesses tesides these. What an expression of loity disdain and disgust would overcome the countenance of some magnificent .St. Bernard if Le could be told that the Supreme Court had placed him “in the category of cats, monkeys and parrots.” STILL IMPROVING. As far as statistics go trade is on a satis- factory footing. The bank clearances show an increase over last year, money is in good supply and readily accessible to bor- rowers.with desirable security, failures are not above the averace and collections are fair. The importations of foreign goods into the United States during the month of March were valued at $76,355,000, against $66,455,000 during the same month in 1896, and it is expected that the April exhibit will run over $80,000,000 in valae. While heavy imports do not necessarily imply good times, they show an improved purchasing power, which 1s certainly not an indication of dull times, hence the above exhibit is in this sense satisfactory. It must not be forgotten, however, that imports have been heavy for some months, as importers have loaded up with as many goods as they could conveniently zarry in anticipation of the promised tariff bill, which a patient and long-suffering community hopes will be passed as soon as possible. As far as the port of San Francisco is concerned the balance of business is with us. This is shown by increased exports of the great cereal staples, oy larger bank cleerings and by a marked increase in custom-house and internal revenue col- lections, Itisalsoshown by the steady rise in wheat, and by sn improved de- mana for what little dried fruitis left on nand. The only drawback of late has been the absence of the usual spring rains, which have been replaced by dam- aging hot north winds. Still, in spite of these drawbacks, the State will have a profitable sarplus of everything. Calitor- nia enjoys this advantage over its sister States, that owing to its diversified climate the conditions that damage one section benefit another; so that the most unfavorable westher never causes general harm. This is one of the chief reasons why prosperity, even in a modified form, always attends California in the face of conditions which would prostrate almost any other State. As the summer approaches the pros- pects for the farmer steadily improve. He is going to receive better prices for his wheat this year. He is going to take in more money for his fruit, hay, wool, hop: beef and mutton. This means that he is going to be a more liberal purchaser in the c.ty. This commercial Jogic is famil- iar to business men, who see in it good times ahead. Hence there is more dispo- sition to loosen purse-strings and extend financial accommodation. Another good sign is the increase in money circuiation throughout the United States during the present year. The olr- culation per capita on May 1 1897, was $22 93 against $21 65 & year ago, a gain of $1 28 per capita. In round numbers the: has been’ an increase in circulation of $63,000,000 in gold coin, $25,000,000 in silver certificates, $10,000,000 in greenbacks, $27,- 000,000 in currency certificates and $8,000,- 000 in bank notes. This showing ought to satisfy the most chronic pessimist, for an increase in money circulation is never seen when times are hard. But a good many people are hard to suit. They are not content with a slow and steady, and therefore permanent, im- provement in business. They want a boom. They want to get rich in a year. They want io double their business on the spot. Ifthey cannot enjoy these rare and extreme conditions they draw long faces and cry bard times. These are the per- sons who now lament the dullness of trade. If such grumblers will heed the lessons contained in the above exhibits they may be led to take the more cheerful ana sensible view of the situation and ad- mit that it is improving day after day. Of course, the improvement is slow, for permanent changes are always gradual, and the fact that the present improvement is of slow growth is the best guaranty of its permanence. C02S1 EXCHANGES. Redding s about to expand industrially un- der the acquisition of & steam laundry of the most approved pattern, according to the Free Press. The Fresno Ezpositor has proposed that rice- planting be tried in that fertile section, and thinks the result will prove successful, in which conviction it is fortified by a number of concurring correspondents. The Santa Rosa Evening Press has come out 8s a six-page daily. The increase in sizo be- came necessary on account of inerease in subscribers and advertising. This is a sign that one section of the country, at least, is re- covering from the effects of four years of Clevelandism. Other sections are following suit, According to the Newman Tribune, another big section of farming land will soon be un- der water. The paperstates thata new canal which parallels the present canal, but s nearer the hills, will be carried to Tracy at sn early date. This will bring much of the land between Newman and the Coast Range under water. A canal following tne base of the hills has long been desired, and would greatly sugment the value of tne land unaer it. The uew canal will be completed to Los Bamos Creek within a mouth, when work will be suspended until fall. The Redding Free Press says that the mining outiook is tncreasing in interest every day; new finds are of daily occurrence and new men with capital are pouring in from every quarter. Scarcely a day passes tnat we do not hear of some miniug sale or of negotiations looking toward a transfer of mining property. Shasta County has become an autraction that her enormous mineral wealth amply merits, and israpidly taking front rank with the best mining localities on thecoast. Allof the oid mines in that section are panning out better than ever, which fact is sure to encourage the development of new ones. Tne growing of tobacco in California has really become an established industry instead of the experiment it wasa few years ago. Ac- cording to the Champion of Downey, that sec- tion is deep into tne business. The big to- bacco company at that place has enough plants to set out 100 acses. They sre recelv- ing orders for plants from Riverside, Orange and San Diego counties, at 15 cents per 100. The p.ants will be ready toset out in ten or fifteen days and are the earliest plants now growing 1n California. Sumatra tobacco, which grows well here, will be worth $3 50 ver pound. and the farmer who fails to put one to five acres in tobacco will regret it this {all when he sees the profits to be made in Taising it. Hereisan altruistic dream indulged in by the night editor of the Santa Rosa Repudlican, aibeit we sincerely trust it may *‘come true'’: «It is not improbable that within the next few months the population of Sonoma County ‘will be increased by the immigration of at east 1000 peopie. Nogotistions are pending FRANCISCO CALL,. MONDAY, MAY 17, 1897 and nearly closea for the sale of the great Walker tract on the laguna between Samta Rosa and Sebastopol to tbe Salvation Army for colonization purposes. The army wiil sub- divide the tract into five-acre ranches. A small house and stable, together with poultry buildings, will be erected on each. Deserving people desirous of owning homes will be invited to come and settle. The army will supply all the necessitiss of life until the pro- ceeds of the ptace are sufficlent to support the family thereon. After that the settlers will- Tepay the army in smail installments extend ing over a term of years.” A substance, which for want of a better name has been called “mineral soap,” has just been discovered near Randsburg, says the Miner of that lively camp. E. Buzore and J. Bump were the men who found the strange Stuff and their claim is located in the Summit District. In weight and hardness the sub- stance has the consistency of soapstone, and varies in color from almost white 1o yellowish brown. Ithasa salty and a siight soapy taste, sud when placed in water and rubbed pro- duces a lather similar to that of soap. The ledge where the mineral soap was found is about fifty feet wide and can De traced for a long distance. No analysis has yet been made, DUt 88 500n as this is done, provided the new substance proves to have any commercial value the work of developing the ledge Will be pushed as rapidly s possible. The:e is a chance thut the stuff may be a Datural com- bination of petroleum and borax, in which case it will be very valuable. NEWS OF FURE.GN NAVIES. The Chinese Government has ordered eleven protected cruisers and torpedo-boat destroyers from German shipyards. The battle-ship Canopus, building at Ports- mouth dockyard, still keeps the lead in rap!dity of construction over the other yards. Since January 4, when tho first keel plaie was Iaid, 1975 1ons Lad been worked into the hull | up to April 25. This constitutes about one- third of the weight of the hull, and at this rate her launch may be looked for within thé Present year by a good margin. 1t takes years to build a vessel in France of even moderate dimensions. The d'Estrees,a third-class cruiser, sheathed, is building at Rochefort, the order for her construction being. given July 29, 1896, and the year 1900 being fixed for compietion. The d'Estrces is only 2413 tons displacement, with engines of 8500 horsepower, calculated to give a speed of 20.5 knots. The estimated cost is $910,711. Two torpedo-boat destroyers, the first of that 1yP2 n the French navy, are being bullt at the Normand yard. They are of 300 tons displace- ment, 180 feet in length and 19 feet 6 inches beam, with 10 feet 6 inches draught aft. Only 26 knois are expected on 4800 horsepower. Thelr armament will consist of ome nine- pounder, six six-pounders ard two torpedo- tubes, and the cost of each boat 18 $325,397, The estimated cost, exclusive of guns, of the four first-class cruisers of 11,000 tons and 16,000 horsepower, taken from the British naval estimates, is for tho Andromeda, $2,788,610, Diadem $2.874,450, Niobe, $2,- 879,180, Europa $2,834,950. The Andromeda is being built at Pembroke dockyard, the others by contract, and it wiil be noted that | the estimates for the dockyard-bullt shipare the lowest of any. The costof the nine battle-ships of 14,900 tons and 12,000 horsepower, buiiding for the British navy, sggregates $39,986,915. Seven of them are building in the dockyardsand two by contract. The highest estimate is £4,566,810, for the Majestic at Portsmouth; $4,347,300 18 the iowest, for the Illustrious at Chatham, while the Jupiter and Mars, built by contract, are estimated to cost $4,3v9,915 and $4,401,295 each. The Ists, second-class cruiser of 5600 tons, had & narrow escape last month from destrue- tion by fice at Chatham dockyard, where she is fitting for her completion. Spontaneous combustion fired a lot of oily waste left on the upper deck, and considersble damage was done before the fice was extinguished. Three serlous collisions of ships on the home stations and fire on board of & ship is tne record of one month’s aceldents in the British navy. Electricity on shipboard was only intro- duced about nine years ago, chiefly for light- ing purposes, but up to the present time it has grown in utility, largely taking the place of the ordinary steam engine and of hand labor. In the French navy electricity is more extensively used than in any other, while Great Britain prefers to await practical re- sults and does not care to take tne chances of delicate macnines and other contrivances | breaking down or failing at a critical moment. | Some idea of the extensive use of electricity | on ships-of-war can be formed from the outfit of the armored cruiser Jose Garibaldi of the Argentine navy. There are 450 electric lamps in the citadel and below the protective deck; 250 lamps used for general lighting outside of the protected partaof the ship, six venti- lutors, one large searchlight, three ammuni- tion boists, two motors for each turretand seven other motors comprise the varied uses of electricity on thislatest modern ship-of-war. PERSONAL J. B. Hull of Eldridge is at the Cosmopoli- tan. Dr. E. C. Kilbourne of Seattie isat the Lick House. B. C. Brown of Palo Alto is at the Cosmo- politan. J. B. Fulton of Monterey is at the Cosmo- politan. A. Weilheimer, & merchant of Fresno,is at the Grand. J. J. Hebbron of Salinas registered at the Grand last evening. Charles C. Uren, & mining man of Grass Valley, is at the Grand. James H. Wilkins, San Rafael, is registered at the California Hotel. E. C. Farnsworth, lawyer of Visalia, is stop- ping at the Lick House. Lioyd England, U.S. A., registered at the Californis Hotel yesterday. R. I R. Aden, a merchant of Vallejo, the Baldwin Hotel. E. 8. Barney of Sutter Creek arrived in the Clty and registered at the Palace. E.F. Berhard, merchant of Fresno, regis- tered at the Lick House yesterday. J. H. Geysalur, a merchaut of Eureka, regis- tered at the Grand Hotel yesterday. Dr. W. H. Dayis, an eminent chemist of De- troit, is e guest at the Grand Hotel. F. B. Hamilton, s well-known merchant of Colton, is stopping at the Grand Hotel. H. C. Nash, the librarian at Stanford Uni- versity, is a guest at the California Hotel. Rev. E. F. Nicholas of Oxford University, England, 1s visiting relatives in this City. 0. B. Hardy, & well-known mining man of | Carson, Nev., registered at the Grand yester- day. J. N. Falls, a prominent merchant of Mem- phis, Tenn., registered at the FPalace iast evening. . H. A.Schram and Jacob & Schram, wine men of St. Helena, registered at the Baldwin Hotel yesterday. C. P. Huntington, president of the Southern Pacific Company, lesves for New York to-day vis Portland. His portrait, life size, painted by Fred Yates, is fimushed, and will shortly be Pplaced on exhibitian at Vickery's. KE_UKRECTION. Out of the soil ot discontent Spring Ilijes of peace witn hearts of gold, Out of the night of deep despalr The hope-white wings of dawn unfold. Out of the storm and stress of hate, ‘The meek-eyed dove calm is sent, Out of our senseless rage and griet 18 born at lasi a deep conient. Out of the wrinkied and withered husk ‘The germ of life seeks warmih and light, Out of the noisome house of death “The soul takes wing for its eudless flight. ‘WiLLiax REED DUNROY in the Ram's Horn, YHE 0 ER>. Indianspoils Journal. Mrs. Wickwire—What do you think the great powers will do? Mr. Wickwire—As I recollect it, Fitz says that he won't ficht nnona but Jim, and he won'teven do that until Jim goes and getss Teputation. ARGUND THE CORRILORS Players are affected almost 28 deeply by hap- penings In the audience as is the audience by haprenings on the siage. Sometimes they are moved 1o wrath, but more frequently to laughter. Occasionally they are frightened out of their lines and wits. Amansatin an aisle seat, three rows from the front, at a performance of “El Capitan’ at Baldwin Theater Saturday night. He wasa fat man, aud he gave a sneeze suddenly, a terific sneeze. It was followed by another that shook the plumes on the big hats of the women arouud and made the lignts flicker. The sudi- ence suspended atlention and looked at the sneezer, and the players paused just s he soorted out a third sneeze thatendedin & high note such s seldom had been heard in those parts. Hopper stretched out his long arms to- ward the man, rolied his eyes heavenward, and said in a sepulchral voice: “‘Heaven bless you, sii This brought the audience back to the stage With & roar, and 1n a second the performance was running on at high pressure, while the iat man chuckled over the fact that for a brief space he had been the star of the evening. A few minutes later a CALL man asked Mr. Hop- per how he was affected by the funny things that happen in the audiences. After getting a grip on El Capitan's nose and throwing down & cup ot hot coffee, as he does between acts, he answered: “American audiences sre mot demonstra- tive, and, as & rule, things don’t happen in front. Of course, the man who sneezed to- night couldn’t help it, but he made such s blasting success of it that it affected the whole house, and, therefore, the players. Ifan actor is plasing a part where he can say someihing it 18 the best thing to do 8o, for it makes them all laugh and keeps them from noticing a pause. I remember one night when I was playing at Palmer's Theater in New York, when we lighted someihing suspended from the scenery by a string the flames ran up the string, and in a minute the audience was all excitement. We had to ring the curtein down, and as they couldn’t see, the people were more Irightened than ever. Everybody saw that | there would be a panic if something wasn’t done, and the people behind the scenes began to say: tHopper, for God's sake say something. You can think of something 10 say which wiil quiet them. Getat ’em quick.’ I ran out in front and shouted: ““There is absolutely no danger, I assure you. Youknow Iam the greatest coward on eerth, and if there was any danger of my get- ting singed you can well imagine that I would not be cooling my heels here right now.’ “So the audience remained perfectly quiet. tainly affected me and got to be unpleasant, 10 say the least of it. He was a fat fellow and elways wore a boy's hat. He kept a hotel in open he’d come down for the season and come every night. He never bought a seat, but paid for an admission, put his sassy little Lat upon the rail and took his stana back of it. He'd begin to chuckle and then to laugh. There was sometbing about his laughter that struck ths people, and soon they would all begin to 1ook at him, and next they’d start in'to laugh- ing athim. Laughter is often as contagious as tea nd his was certainly tbe most con- tagious laugh I ever heard. He came to be known es the laughing man. That was funny for a while, but he came to be a nuisance, for he anticipated every joke and would laugh so loudiy that the audience nine times out of ten lost the point. One night Andrew A. McCor- mick, manager of the Broadwsy Theater, found s man in the foyer doubled up over the programme table. He had every appearance of having eaten a peck of green apples, with the natural result; buc when Mr. McCormick esked if he was ill, he said: OB, no; I'm just dead with laughing at that laughing man. My sides ached so I couldn’t stand it another minute. I hud to get out. “After that we got rid of the hotal-keeper, for we didn’t like to run the risk of his mak- ing people sick. “Then there is the chap Who starts the ap- plause too early. Of course applause s stimu- lating when it comes at the right time, and if actor’s efforts are received warmly and cor- dially he naturally gives s better performance. Inshort, the audience unconsciously does its share In making the performance enjoyable, but the man who anticipates is an uncontrol- lable nuisance. “One of the funniest things that ever hap- pened in an sudience when I was playing took place at the Columbia Theater in Chi- cago. All the persons in the gallery, men and women, began to shout at the women in the orchestra to take off their hats. It was amus- ing, because if every woman in the or~hestra nad worn s hat 40 feet high the gallery gods wouid still have a perfect view of the stage. But they howled aud hissed and hooted and harangued until only three women in tne orchestra ket their hats on. That didn’t sat- isfy the gallery gods, and they kept at it until an audience with uncovered heads faced me. It is unnecessary to state that the performance stopped while the row was going on. How did it aftect me? Ilonged for the seclusion of the Lambs’ Club, whera I can blest as loudly and as long a3 I please, but I bad tostand there and look distressed. Lots of fuuny things bhappen in front, but actors, like schoolteachers, must learn to see and yet be bifnd.” MEN AND WOMEN. Paul Lindsu, the well-inown, German novelist, playwright and newspaper cor- respoudent, and the preseat intendent, or ai- rector, of the Meiningen Theater, was recently rrested in Atuens as n spy. ‘The Queen ot Eoglanc, the Duchess of Con- naught, the Emperor and Empress Dowager of Germany, the Empress Dowager of Russia, and the Queen Regentof the Netherlands all oc- cupy the position of honorary colonel iu the German army. The Empress Eugenle, who has been residing for nearly tnree months on the Riviera, leaves soon for Constantinople and the Black Ses, her destination being the castle of Sugdid, in the Caucasus, where she will be the guest of the Princess Sugdidi, widow of Prince Achille Murat. The Dowager Lady Churchill has been in the department of te mistress of -the robes since 1854, as lady of the bedchamber to the Queen. Itissaid that the gentlemoman knows more of the private life of the Queen than any other woman living,-and is & most faithiul keeper of slate secrets. Three plays by Carmen Sylva, the Queen of Roumanis, were recently produced at Bu- charest and are said to have had a greatand genuine success. The royal family was present, and the Quecn herself, none of whose works had previously been produced in Roumsnis, ‘was enthusaistically cheered. The name of Roy Prather of Excelsior Springs, Mo..is & new one, on the scroll of fame, but that it is eatitled to a place there cannot be questioned in view of the fact that its owner won out over more than 100 com. petitors in a pie-eating contest under the auspices of one of the churches there, Sir George Grey, the Australian explorer and administrator, recentiy celebrated his eighty- fourth birthday. Fifiy-eight years ago he was given up for dead while exploring the west coast of Australis He lived to be Governor of South Australis, of Cap: Colony and of New Zealaud, which he administered during the Maori rebelifon. He is a strong home-culer. Professor Herkdmer, In s recent lecture, in- duiged in some amusing speculstions as to how the old masters would b> treated in Eag- land to-day. Michael Angelo would be re- garded as morose and pecullar; he would Bot get elected to the academy as a young man, and would decline the honor in his old age. Leonardoda Vinci would be the inventor of the electric light, sad would wrlte to the Times about himseif and his critics. Rubens would be an M. P, and intimate with the members of the aristocracy, and Holbein would be kept out of the Roysl Academy on account of his habite. WIiH YOUx COrFEE. Floor Wa'ker—She complains that you didn’t show her common civility. Salesman—I showed her everything in my department, sir.—Detroit Journal. “Well, d1d he pay you anything 1" asked the business manager. “‘Yes.” replied the female collector, “he paid me a compiiment, He said he wouldn't be here was & man in New York who cer- | the Catskills, Assoon asmy company would | afraid to trust me with the money if he had any.”—Yonkers Statesman. “Do you know a good toaic for nervous per sons, Simpkins?'* “No; what I want to find is a good tonic for people who have to live with them.”—Chicago Record. The Reyv. Dr. Thirdly—Aund now, children, Twonder if any little boy or girl here kno who was the best man thatever lived. Ah, there’sa hand up. Well, Johnnie, who was the best man that ever lived? Johnnie Seconderop — Please, sir, it was mamma’s first husband, sir.—Puck. “My friend,” said the well-meaning man, “why Go you drink that Lorrible swff when you know the stimulant effect is only tem- porary at best?’ I gin’t lookin’ for the stim’lant effec the hopeless case. “I'm aimin’ to paralyzed. See ?"—Typographical Journal. Family Friend—I congratulate you, my dear friend, on the marriage of your daughter. Isee you are gradually getting ail the girls off your hands. Old Olivebranch—Off my hands—yes; but the worst of itis I have w keep ail their hus- bands on their feet.—Tit-Bits. “Brother Jim has the bicycle face, Joe has the bicycle hump, Sister Sue has the bicycle lez and Tom has wheels in his head.” “Any other bicycle aflments n the family?”’ “Well, papa says his pocketbook is badly punctured, so it must be getting pneu- matic.”’—Truth, “The month of May 1s very appropriately named,” remarked tne youth to his riend. “In what regard?" “Because the weather is so uncertain.” “How does the name May apply to uncertain weather?” “Well, itmay be hot or it may be cold, it may be wet or it may be ary.”—Pitisburg Chroaicle Telegrap® THE ARTILLERY WOULD LIKE THE STAR. Sew York sun. The retirement of General Wheaton for age last Saturday will cause the promotion of & brigadier to be major-gemeral, and then of some colonel of the line to fill tue vacancy among the brigadiers. Who will the fortunate colonel be? {Some ar- tillery officers have urged the senior in their arm, Colonel W. M. Graham, commanding the Fifth Artillery, and there are interesting par- ticulars in the record they have made up. Colonel Graham stands only eleventh on the relative iist of line colonels, but, as is well known, selection and not seniority governs the chofce whenever a star is award He will be retired for age sooner than any of the ten colonels above nim, namely, in thir- teen months from this time. Hence the rea- s0n potent iu the case of General Wheaton, passing aim over the head of General Brooke, would apply 1o Colonel Graham. That is, the appointment of any one else wuuld be fatal 1o nis chances, whereas his appointment would leave any one of his ten seniors still eligible for the siar after he retires next year. Again, the artillery has not furnished a brigadier-general from among its colonels since the end of the Civil War. Promotion is soslow in the artillery that again and again a senjor colonel in thai arm bas found in- fatry and cavalry colonels ehead of him in relative rank, promotion having given them the grade eariier. The result has been in- variably thus far that ihey have been taken for the star and ihe aziillery colonel has been left. Nevertheless it has sometimes happened thatan artillery colonel has been longez in the service tnan other regimental commanders, who have risen to be hisseniors in relative ravk. And the friends of Colonel Graham point out thathe is to-duy the ranking cotonel in length of service under line commissions. He has a fine war record, with four brevets, in- eluding that of brigadier-general. The azullery bave another candidate, also a very abie one and pusned strongly, in Coio- nel R. T. Frank, First Artillery. But thus far there is no;lndimuou 2s to whether they will uccezsful JERRY SIMPSON’'S NEw CHUM. Washiogton Post. Jerry Stmpson and Colonel James Hamilton Lewis of Washington State have evidently en- tered Into an alliance. Champ Clark says he overheard the Kansas leader {mportuning the Washington man to stand with him, saying: “If you will only get up when the Republi- cans are shouting for the reguler order those clothes of yours will atiract 5o much aitention that the Democrats will all voie with us against adjournment.” Lewis looked puzzled, but not offended. He shook hands with S.mp- son on the compact. When the time came he carried out his part of it, but they didn’t get votes enough to prevent an_adjournment, al- though there were more Democrats voted against it than ususl. r adjournment Richardson and some others were talking together and ca'led Simp- son over where ihey were, whea Bell of Colo- rado asked him: “How is it that you and Lewis of Washing- ton are always together now? If there's s man in the House who doesn’t look like one of your crowd it is Lewis. “That does seem so, Bell,” replied Stmpson gravely. “That jellow Lewis is the strengest combination I eversaw. He has been a mys- tery to me until I went tocultivating him and gol close to him. He dresses like & goidbug Republican, talks like a Bryan Democrat, but votes like a middle-of-the-road Poputist. You bet I'm tied to him.” STORY THE PRE IDENT ENJOYED. Prestdent McKinley really likes to see Sen ator Mason. Not long ago the President asked Senator Mason to fell one of his storics, says the Washington Star. The Senator responded by telling a story which convulsed the Presi- dent with laughter. It illustrated tne fact that the pie which the President had to dis- tribute won't go eround by alongodds. It was this: Pat McCarthy gave a dinner to which he invited three or four of his neighvors. Pat had allowed his wife to cook only one chicken. When dinner was served rat 100k possession of the carving-knife and in 8 most hospitable tone suid to Mrs. Dugan: ‘What part of ther fowl will yez haye?” A les if yez please,” was the answer, “An’ what part will yez have? Would yez loike some ay ther white?” Pat inquired of Mrs, 0’Hooligan. “An’aleg will do me,” she answered. As each answered the part of the fowl she desired was given her. s What part wiil ez nave, Motke Walsh?” Pat blandly inquired of his nighbor. “I balave Oi will take a leg, 100,” sald Molke, 1n his most modest way, wishing to follow in the iootseps of the rest’of the company. ““Begorra,” said Pat to Mickey, “what does yez think Oi’'m carving—a spia-17;’ ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS, Lectures—Reader, City. There isno record of the number of lectures that have been de- livered in San Francisco during the year 1896. PREMIUM ON\A NICKEL—T. P. 8, Oakland, Cal. The only n'ckel for which a premium is offcred is one of the date of 1877. Fur such 75 cents is offered. Go to your doctor for advice; he is the best man to tell you what medicine you need. Go to your drug- gist for your medicines; he knows more about drugs than a dry goods man. Stick to your doctor and to your druggist if you are asick man, dut don’t go to your druggist for advice. If your doctor tells you to get Scott’s Emulsion it is because he knows it to be the remedy in all conditions of wasting, the one reliable, permanent preparation. Get what you ask fir. Ci Poor’s Manual of Railroads in the United States gives the nemes of all the superintend- .18 employed on the various lines. - The book hay be seen in the Libraries aud at railroad offices. THREE SOMERSAULTS—F. J. F., City. It was the youuger ol the Jordan family who turned & triple somersault at the Orpheum some 1ime ago. The work was performed over the net, and the hittle ome made the turis from the hands of one of the elder members of tne family. A Gowp QUARTEE—E. H., Lorin, Alameds County, Cal. The little piece of octagonal gold you have is one of many that were issued Dby California j2welers in 1854 and stamped 25 cents, but such are not coins. There is no remium on them. In fact they msy be had 2 San Franeisco for 25 cents apiece. ——— CALIFOENTA glace fruts, 502 1b, Townsand's. — e £prcaL Information daily to m;nu!;elu;un. ouses and public men by the Press pine Buteau (Allon's). 510 Montgomery. = ————————— Mark Hopkivs lostitute of Art. The Spring exhibition is now open daily trom 9 4. M. t0 5 P. 3. and grand concert every Thursday evening. Open Sundays. - ———————— He—Why fs it, my dear, that a woman s0 often buys s pair of shoes a size t00 small for her? She—Probably for the same reason that a man so often buysa hat that is a size oo large for him,—New York Commercial Advertiser. Excursion to the Eust and Yellowstone Park. A party Is now being formed to make the toar of the Yellowstone Park, leaving here about the 28ih of May. Ttwill be in charge of Professor J. C. Branner of Stanford University. Rates will be very reasonable and accommodations first class. The Yellowstone Park can justiy ]ay claim to hav- 1ng more patural wonders and magnificent scen- ery within its bounds than sny other spot in the world, and & trip there is ope that will never be forgotien. 1f you would like to join the party communicate at once w J. E. McDowell, Stan= ford University, or- I. Stateler, general agent Morthern Pacific Railway, 638 Market st., 8. F. e e s The Swiftest Train in the West— 8} Days to Chicago or St. Louis— 415 Days to New York. The Santa Fe Limited has dining-car, buffet smoking-car and Puilman palace drawing-room sleeping-cars. Leaving San Francisco at b p. a0 Mondays and Thursdays, connection is made at Berstow with this handsome train. Through cara to Chicago, both Pullman paiace drawing-room and modera upholstered tourist sleepers, run dnily. Tickets also sold via Portland, Ogden, Los Angeles, Deming or El raso to all points in the United States, Canada, Mexico or Europe. See time table in advertising column. San Francisco ticket office 644 Market streei, Chronicle balid- ing. Telephone Mam 153l Oakisod, 1118 Broadway. — - —— Rallroad Tickets to the East via Rlo Grande Western and Denver and Rio Grande Railways, At lowest possible rates, with through Pullmax buffet and tourist sleeping car service every day. Personally conducted excarsions leaving Toesday, Wednesday and Thursday. Only line permiiting stop-over at Salt Lake Clty on all classes of tickats Detalied Information and tickets furnished & Lk Montgomery street, or 314 California sirees CHRONTIC constipation is a troublesome and dangerous disorder. The surest and safest remedy is Ayer's Cathartic Pills. e “Mrs. Winslow's Soothing Syrup”™ Has been used over fity years by millions of mothers for their children whiie Teething with pers, fect success. It sooihes the child, softens :hegams, allays Pain, cures Wind Colic, regulates :he Bowels and is the bes:t remedy for Diarrnceas, whether aris- ing from tee:hing or other causes. kor sale by drug gisis In every part of the worid. Be sure and ask for Mrs. Winglow’s Soothing Syrup. 20 bottle s i CORONADO.—Atmosphere i3 perfectly dry. soft and mild, being entirely fre from the mista com= mon further north. Round-trip tickets, by steam- ship, including fifteen days board a: the Hoteldel Coronado, $60; longer stay 50 perday. Apply 4 New Montgomery stres n Frauclsco. e “I think the retreat from Larissa was the most natural thing.” “Why?* “As soon as Turkey made it hot for Greece, why of course-the latter ran.”—Philadelpnis North Americas KEW TO-DAY: Room for two, too! Our lawn and porch furni- ture got here last week. It's as different from the ordinary as you can think of : Enameled green, grassy green —striped with gilt. Green | rests the eyes—it’s a happy change from the bright red of last year. Get a hint of the shape from the picture. Bent wood arms—extra stout. Settees, $4 75. Arm Rockers, $4 50. Arm Chatrs, £3 75. Folding cots — some for $1.75—and extra bedding for outing parties. No charge for packing and shipping. California Furniture Company (N P Cole & Co) Carpets 117 Geary Street Masines =\ (LSE ONEEYE s e THE OTHER IF You CANNOT SEE EQUALLY WELL BOTH NEAR. AND FAR CALL AND SEE US 9 : RAPHIC OPTICIANS PHOTO®" g\t e ks SCENTIFIC INSTRUMENTS *y, 7" 642 MARKET ST. 7% UNBLR CHRONICLE BUILDING » GROVE L. JOHNSON HASBXMOVED HIS LAW OFFICES FROM Ennr.-‘:\e::& aan Francisco and formed & Dartne: 't H. Linfo.th and George K Whiiaker, with offices at 310 Pise se N — S —