The San Francisco Call. Newspaper, December 22, 1895, Page 17

THE SAN FRANCISCO CALL, SfiNDAY, DECEMBER 22, 1%95. [NoTR—This story is a favorite one with the | story-tellers who throng the streets of Cairo. | Indeed, any narrative of the adventures of the famous Haroun Er Raschid finds eagerlisteners | in every Oriental audience. It is the custom | of these narrators to carry the tale to some | crucial incident, and, when they see that the | interest of their auditors is at concert pitch, to ‘ pause and request & donation before the con- | clusion of the narrative. Even although uxe] tale be an ancient and well known one there are u§uan_\- plenty to bestow a small coin to hear its conclusion, particularly if the nar- rator be clever in his telling and possessed of an easy, graceful style adorned with beauty of speech and interspersing his text with apt quotations from the poets. If,however, there b:- !no contributions to justify the completion | ;»I.‘; )Ci::rmll\e:the s_wrydc“grlwnlsny: ““And | marget, when he again remembered the ummation of these circumstances was | charge of the ape. So he returned, and thus and so,” and depart, leaving his hearers | threw down the gold, and the Jew sa in ignorance of the restof the tale. Khaleefeh, | What aiieth thee, O Khaleefeh? Then the fisherman whose adventures are here set | K haleefeh said: I desire nothing save that forth, is by no means a silly fellow. The nar- | thou give me back people’s fish. And he rative, indeed, shows him to be possessed of | said: What price dost thou desire for thy considerable native shrewdness and a sharp- | fish? And be replied: I will sell it not, ness of Wwit, accompanied by & corresponding | save for two sayings. when the Jew freedom of sveech by no means attributable to | heard the mention of two sayings he im- weak intellect. His very remarkeble vagaries | agined nothing save that Khaleeieh meant were beyond a doubt the result of indulgence | that he could have the fish only upon his in hasheesh. In fact his performances, ssin | fenouncing his religion and becoming a administering to himseli the beatings, ave such | Muslim. Therefore, he was filled with as a modern hasheesh fiend might readily be expected to fall into. The part played by Ha- roun er Raschid in the fisherman’s adventures is characteristic of what we know of that g ial ruler of Baghdad.] with it, saying, Exalted be the perfection of God! And he walked to the end of the | anger, and called upon his_pages to beat until he the fisherman, and they did so | fell down beneath the shop. ' left him, and the Jew was touc | compassion, for e was of the people of o SRR | benevolence, and he said: Tell me the There was in ancient times in the city of | Price of this fish and I will give it thee, Baghdad a fisherman named Khaleefel, | 107 thou hast not obtained good of me bt bwhs aaman i neadssonns ~ .| on this occasion. I imagine that thou : n needy circumstances, | gesirest me to become a Mus- and he had never in his life been married. | jim. Khaleefeh replied: By Allah! And it chanced one day that, going in the | I thou become a Muslim it will not profit early morning to the er, he cast in bis | the Muslims, nor will it injure the Jew: net before the other fishermen had arrivea | 80d if thou remainest in thine infidelity i and it came up empty. And he cast it in | 211l not injure the Afuslims nor will it a second and a third time, but there came | 1ion wilt risempon thy feet and say - O peo ooy thou wilt rise upon thy feet and sa O peo- not up in it aught. He ceased not to do | ple of the market, bear witness t I have this for the space of ten times casting, ana | exchanged my ape for the ape of Khaleefeh caught in it nothing whatever. So his the fisherman, and my good luck in the bosom was contracted and his mind was | World for his good luck, and my good for- perplexed, and be offered up a prayer to | tne for bis zood fortune. And the Jew Gl e s e il said, If this be thy desire it is to me iod, the forgiving, the merciful. Then he | egsy, and be arose to his feet and said as meditated upon his case, and when he had | Kha h had told him, and saxid, Hast prayed again and recited some verses he | thou aught more to demand of m cast in his net a and there came up in it a lame, one-e; pe. Ktaleefeh saic And the J So Khaleefeh There is no strength | Khaleefen sewed for himself a pocket within the border of his vest, and tied the hundred pieces of gold 1n a purse and put it in his pocket. He then went forth and cast in his net, but there came upin it naught. And he wandered along the bank, casting in his net and drawing it forth’ empty until he was half a day’s j from the city. Then he said: it but once more. So he threw th such violence that the purse, containing the hundred pieces of gold, flew from his bosom and was cast into the depth of the river. Upon this he threw down the net, and stripping off his clothes cived after the purse. e ceased not to dive and come up again until Lis strength was exbausted, but he found not that purse, Then he came up on the bank and ;mm\l his net, his staff and his basket, but found mnot his clothes. So he wrapped himself in the net, and taking the basket upon his head and the staff in his hand, he went trotting along like a stray camel, running to the right and the left, with disheveled hair and dust-colored, like the refractory Effreet, when let loose from Suleyman’s prison. Such was the case of Khaleefeh the fisherman. Now, Haroun Er Rasc Faithful, rode that da id, Prince of the n the chase at companied by Jaafer El-Barmakee, bis Wezeer. And as they rode they were overtaken by excessive thirst. Then kr the gain. Alight now from the ass, which will be of use to us, and I will teach thee the art of fishing immediately. So Er Raschia dismounted and tucked up his skirts, and Khaleefeh said to him: O piper, take this net so, and hold it upon thine arm so, and cast it into the Tigris. And Er Raschid fortified bis heart and did as Khaleefeh told him. He cast in the net and together they drew it forth, and lo! it was full of all kinds of fish. '(,‘pon this Khaleefeh said to iir Raschid: By Allah! O piper, verily thou art an ugly fellow, but when thou shalt have labored at fishing thou wilt be an excellent fisherman. Now mount thine ass and go to the market and bring two great baskets, and I will guard the fish until thou shalt return, and then thee and I will repair to the market and seil them. Hasten, then, and delay not. And Er Raschid said: I hear and obey. He left him and thefish, and urged on hi mule, being in a state of the utmost joy. And when Jaafer saw bim returning with- out the water he said: Probably the Prince of the Faithful hath found a pleasant gar- den, and hath diverted himself in it, alone. And Er Raschid Jaughed, and told him of his encounter with Khaleefeh, and said: I have caught a great quantity of fish, and they are on the bank of the river, with my teacher, Khaleefeh, and I am to re- turn with two great baskets. Then he and Iareto go the market and sell the fish and divide the price. And he added: By my pure forefathers, to every one who bringeth me a fish from those that are be- fore Khaleefeh, who taught me the art of fishing, 1 will give a plece of gold. The crier therefore proclaimed this to the troops, and the memlooks went forth to where Khaleefeh was waiting for the | Prince of the Faithful to bring two great baskets, and lo! the soldiers pounced npon him like eagles and took the fish from him, fighting among each other for their pos- | session. So Khaleefeh said: No doubt | these are of the fish of paradise! Then | taking two fish in each hand he descended into the water to his throat and began to | say: O Allah! let thy servant, the piper, | my partner, come. And then came the | ciief of the black slaves from the palace, | but the fish were all gone, save those that | were in the hands of Khaleefeh as he | stood in the water, and these Khaleefeh | would not sell until the slave threatened him with the mace, when he threw them to bim, and the black slave would have | paid him, but found not a single piece of silver, so he said: Verily, fisherman, thy | fortune is unlucky, for I have not witk anv money. But come thou to the on the morrow and ask for the Eunuch Sandal and I will repay thee. So upon this Khaleefeh said: Verily, | this day is blessed, and its blessing was | apparent from its commencement! Then he took his net upon his shoulder and | walked on until he entered Baghdad and walked along its streets, | Extolled be the perfection of him to whom belong glory and permanence, and who is living, everlasting, who will never | die! THE CRIPPLED VETERAN. His Wife Maimed Him, but Could Not Keep Him From Going to War. An oid soldier who bears the scars of i several wounds received in the late un- | pleasantness was speaking to the writer about odd incidents of the war, and among | other th id: i “‘Cours is so different in different Go in peace. Khaleefeh arose imme- diately, and, taking his basket and net, nor power but in God! What a deficient fortune and evil Juck! What hath hap- pened to me on this blessed day? And he took the ape and bound him toa tree, and | he had with him a whip wherewith he would have beaten it. But the ape spake to him with an eloguent tongue and bade | him leave it bound thus and cast in again his net, saying to him, God will give thee thy means of So Khaleefeh left the ape b and repairing to the | river cast in his net and found it heavier | than before; and he ceased not to labor with it until he had drawn it to shore, when lo! there appeared in it another ape whose front teeth were far apart and its eyes adorned with kohl and his hand stained with_henna, and he was laughing. Upon this Khaleefeh said: Praise be to | God, who hath substituted for the fish of this niver apes! And again advancing to the firstape he would have beaten him, when he prayed for aid against him, say- ing: I conjure thee by Allah that thou | spare me for this, my companion’s sake, and seek of him what thou wantest, for he will guide thee to what thou desirest. So | Khaleefeh turned to the second ape, who promised him that if he would | do as he directed he would be the means of his becoming rich. And he charged him to east in his net again, and-when he had done so and had drawn it heavy to the shore, lo! there appeared in it a third ape; and this ape was red, around his waist were blue garments and his hands were stained with henna his eves were adorned with ko And Khaleefeh said: Verily this day i blessed from its beginning to its end, for its luck hath been shown to be fortunate by the countenance of the first ape, and the page is shown by its superscription. Verily I came not forth this day save to catch apes. Then he said to the third | ape: Who art thou, O unluck hereplied: Iam the ape of Abu- the Jew. And what doth thou do for him? answered: morning and he gaineth five pieces of gold, and again 1n the evening and hegaineth five preces. 8o Khaleefeh looked toward the first ape and said: See, O unlucky, how excellent are the apes of other people, but thou presenteth thyself to me this morning one-eyed and lame, and I become | a pauper, hungry, bankrupt, and again he | would have beaten him, but the ape of He I present myself to him in tne DRAWING THE SEI E. Abu-s-Sa’adat said: Leave him, Khalee- | feh, and spare thy hand, and 1| will tell thee what to do. Sol Khaleefeh said: Ulf what wilt thou tell | gj] kinds, and there came to him purchas- me, O master of all apes? and he said: | ers until he had sold his fish for ten pieces Cast in thy uet, and whatever cometh to | of gold. And he ceased not to catch fish thee bring it to me, and I will tell thee | every day, and sell them for ten pieces of frther. So when he had recited some | wold. till the end pieces of verses, he advanced to the river and cast | in the net and waited, after which he drew | it,and lo! in it was a large fish, with a great head and a tail like a Jadle, and its | eyes were like two pieces of gold. And | and there have come to thy possession a Khaleefeh was rejoiced, and be brought | hundred pieces of gold. Now, doubtless, the fish to the ape of Abu-s-Sa’adat, and | the Prince of the Faithful will hear thy the ape bade him tie him to a tree and to | story, and probably he will be in need of g0 to the middle of the quay, and_casting | weaith and will send to thee and demand his net into the Tigris bring again what- | of thee a certain number of pieces of zold ever came up. So thereupon Khaleefeh | aga loan. Then will I say, O Prince of the bound the ape and went and cast his net | Faithful, I am a poor man, and he who again in the river and drew up a fish | jnformed thee that I had ahundred pieces cailed a bayad, of the size of a lamb. | of gold hath lied to thee, and they are not Then he took it to the ape. and when he | in my possession. And he will deliver me had heard the ape’s instructions. he |to the Walee, saying: Strip him of his brought some grass and put it in a basket, | clothing and torture him with beating that and put thereon the fish. He covered it | he may confess, and may bring the hun- with more grass and went in with it to | dred pieces of gold that are in his pos- the city of Baghdad. And when he en- | session. Therefore the right opinion that tered it the people knowing him wished | wiil save me from this embarrassing pre- him good morning and said: What ‘ dicament is this: I will arise immediately | repaired to the river Tigris and cast the net. And he pulled it forth full of fish of had amassed a hundred pieces of gold. Now, one nignt, as he sat in his cham- ber, he said to himself: O Khaleefeh, al the people know that thou art a poor man, hast thou with thee, O Khaleefeh? But he paid no regard to any one of them until | he came to the market of the money | changers, whither the ape had directed him, and saw Abu-s-sa’adat, the Jew, sit-| ting with pages in attencance upon him, Jjixe one of the kings of Khurasan. And | Kbaleefeh came and stood before him, and the Jew knew him and said: Wel- come to thee, O Khalerfeh! What is | thine affair, and whatis it that thou de- | sirest? And Khaleefeh opened the basket | and threw the fish before him. And when | ing of the blows, making a noise in the Abu-s-sa’adat saw it he admired it excecd- | night, they said: What is the matter with iogly, and said: By thy religion, hath any | this poor man? And they imagined that one seen it besides me? Khaleefeh an- | robbers had descended upon him and they swered him, No, by Allab! No one besidés | came from their lodgings and, finding his thyself hath seen it. And the Jew called a | door looked, they ascended to the roofsand page and gave him the fish in charge, and | descended to his chamber through the bade him take it to his house and let it be | memrak (a kind of small lantern for the fried against his coming. And he gave | admission of air in the roof of a chamber) Khaleefeh a piece of gold, saying: Take | and saw him with bare back, torturing this for thyseli, O Kbaleefeh, ~And Kha- himself, and said: Wk i Jeeich took the piece of zold, saying: Ex- | Khaleefeh? And hesaid: Know, O peo- tolled be the perfection of the possessor of | ple, that T have acquired some pieces of dominion! And be walked away a little | gold and I fear that the Prince of the distance. Then he remembered the charge | Faithful, will require them of me, and of the ape, so he returned and threw down | when 1 deny, that he will torture me, the gulJ and said: Take thy gold, and give | wherefore 1 am torturing myself, in order me people’s fish. And :he%ew imagined | that torture may be habitual to me, to he was jesting, therefore he handed him | prepare for what may come. And the two pieces of gold in addition to the first. | merchants laughed at him and said: But Khaleefeh smd: Give me the fish, | Leave off these actions. May Goua nqt without jesting. Dost thou imagine I will | bless thee, nor thy pieces of gold, for thou sel] it for this price? And the Jew gave | hast disquieted our night. ¢ him five pieces of gold, and he wentaway | And on the morrow, fearing robbers, may be accustomed to the beating. So he arose and took a whip which he had with him. And he had also a pillow of leather, and he proceeded to strike one blow upon that pillow and one upon his back, saying: Ah!ah! By Allah! this is a false asser- tion. O, my lord! I am a poor man and a fisherman, and have not in my possession aught of wordly goods. And when the people of the quarter heard Khaleefeh torturing himslf, and the fall- and torture myself with the whips, thatT | ‘Wkat aileth thee, O | | | gold, till the end of ten days, so that he | | water by him. Raschia, casting his eves about, saw a figure running vack and forth in the dis- tance, and said: O Jaafer, dost thou see what I see? And the Wezeer answered: I see a distant object faintly appearing upon a high mound, and it is probably the keeper of a garden. who doubtless has And Haroun Er Raschid said: My mule is tleeter than thine. Do thou remain here on accountof the troops | while I ride forward and obtain water of this person and return. So he urged his mule forward to where Khaleefeh, the fisherman, ran back and forth, his body encased in the net. Er Raschid saluted | him and he returned the salutation in a state of rage and his breath would have kindled _fires. And Er Raschid said to him: O man, hast thou any water by thee? Khaleefeh replied: Art thoun mad or blind? Go to the river Tigris, for it s behind this mound. mule. Then he said: O man, what thine occupation? Khaleefeh replied Verily, this question is more wonderful than the question respecting the water. Dost “thou not see the up- paratus of my occupation upon my shoulder? Er Raschid said: It seem- eth that thou art a fisherman, but where is thy jubbeh, and where is thy shemleh, and where is thy heram, and where are thv clothes? Now, these were the names of the gar- ments that Khaleefeh had lost, and when he heard them he concluded that Er Raschid had stolen his clothing, and he rushed down upon him like the blinding lightning, and seized the reins of his mulc and demanded of him his clothes. And he would have beaten him; but Er Raschid pulled off his long vest of satin and gave it to him, 1promising to bring him his cloth- ing in a little while. And Khaleefeh put it on, and it was too long; so with the knife which was attached to his basket he cut it off at the knees, saying, My clothes were better than this variegated cloak. Now, the Prince of the Faithful had large cheeks and a small mouth, wherefore Khaieefeh said to him: _Probably thine occupation is thatof a singer or a piver, and he looked toward Er Raschid and said: By Allah! I conjure thee, O piper, that thou inform me what is the amount of thy wages which thy master giveth thee each month for the art of piping? and Er Raschid replied: M? wages ever; nmionth are ten pieces of gold. Upon this Khaleefeh sai By Aliah! I gain that sum every day. Dost thou desire to be my servant? 1f so, I will teach thee the art of fishing and be partuner with thee in 8o Er Raschid went | to the river and drank and watered his | people that T have been often surprised to | see exhibitions of bravery in unlooked-for | quarters. There is a man who used to | live 1n Marion, Ohio, who has the index finger of his right hand missing, and if asked the manner of its loss will simply say that helost itin the Civil War. The story of the affair 1s peculiar, though I am told that there are instances of the same nature that have occurred. He was married a few months when the call for volunteers was issued, and he yearned to respond to his country’s invitation. His wile put her foot down at once, and said that he should not go. Two months passed, and as the stories came from the front of the roaring of cannon and of blood being spilt, Wii- liam, for that was his name, vowed that he would go to the scene of battle. One night his wife saw him get up in _his sleep, and, putting himself in a heroic attitude, ex- tend his hand as though it clutched a sword, and ery, ‘Forward!” This preyed on her mind so that the night afterward she asked him if he fully intended to join tluedglrlmy He replied emphatically that e did. “That night when William slept she arose and with stealthy step and deter- mined look took a hatchet from under the bed and came to the side of her sleeping husband. She noted the calmness of his countenance and bent and Kissed his fore- head as a tear coursed down her cheek. Then she took the index finger of his right hand, and, separating it from the others, laid it upon the side rail and brought the hatchet down with such force as to sever the digit. Wjiliam awoke, and what he said is not_recorded, but he was made of sterner stuff than his better half thought. When the smoke of battle rolled upon the field of Bull Run and Union hearts beat wildly at the first great encounter, the martial sound of William’s drum urged on to glory many an Ohio man. He could not handle a musket, but he went to war.”’—Columbus Dispatch. NPT S At the Metropolitan Museum. Underhill (acrusty old bachelorWThere' that’s Minerva, the Goddess of Wisdom. She never got married. Artful widow—No; but this is King Solomon, the wisest man that ever lived. He married a thousand times.—Truth. ————————— TOILET CASES, silver and celluloid sets, al- bums, wave-crest ware, handkerchief and glove boxes, manicure sets and ail kinds of sil- ver novelties for the writing-desk and dressing- table. The very best goods and reasonable prices in every department. Open evenings, and everybody welcome, Senborn, Vail & Co., 741 Market street. * AMBROSE BIERCE, TH PHYLLO [ A XERA [N LITERATURE, BY WILLIAM GREER NARRISON. I have at no time forgotten Polonius’ advice to Laertes: Beware of entrance to a quarrel: but being in Bear't that the opposed may beware of thee. 1 did not enter into the controversy with Mr. Bierce without a careful consideration of the good old man’s advice to his son. I have at no time underrated Mr. Bierce’s flashlight genius, but I have never feared him, nor have I ever accepted him asan authority in literary matters. I have given him full credit for an ability to write good English and I have condemned him for his wanton prostitution of his natural gifts. I have taken exception to his methods because I believe them to be de- structive to literature, and because the very brilliancy of his glowworm expres- sions blinds his readers to the evil which he is working. An occasional lapse into vulgar slang or even an occasional liberty with standard English would not have called for any comment from me, but since Mr. Bierce has chosen to become the “phylloxera” of literature I have chosen to assist in stamping him out. No man in tne journalistic profession has done more to destroy the value and importance of journalism than Ambrose Bierce. has written and published, expecting to find in his published works something that warranted his usurpation of the office of public censor. I have been bitterly disappointed. 1 have found a touch of genius here, and a touch of genius there, in a whole midden of filth. In his introduction to his ‘‘Black Beetles in Amber,” he says, referring to applied satire, “my understanding of whose laws and liberties is at least derived from reverent study of the masters.”” If he ever studied any master of satire, he gives no evidence of the fact in anything he has written. Which of the masters would have begun a prayer with the following line written by Bierce, Sweet spirit of cesspool, hear a mother's prayer. And here is another of his delicate em- broderies: Jehovah, concealing his terrible face, Protraded his rear from behind a great rock. And this is what Bierce writes as poetry. To reproduce the filth which be bas intro- duced into his literary work would only serve to advertise his vulgarity, and this T decline to do. Before proceeding to answer Bierce’s panada of Sunday last, [ offer a short explanation to tle readers of Tue Cann. I have no personal guarrel with Bierce. I have simply a permanent quarrel with his obscene methods of writing. I do not know him. I wonld not know him if I met him. I have never crossed bim in love or in any other way, Ido not know his best from his worst girl, I have never had any difficulty with him. My opinion of his work has been published, 1 have mno opinion of himself at all. For me, he does mot live. I don’t care what he does. I don’t care whether he is moral or immoral. He may be a squire of dames | or he may be a bully. He may be a very | generous partisan or he may be a very vindictive enemy. These matters do not | concern me. What does concern me is that for two years he continued to attack | me in language clearly descriptive of his natural home, the gutter. I paidno atten- tion to him until he attacked my profes- sion, and when he did that I entered upon this controversy with a fixed and firm de- | termination to expose him and his meth- | ods, and to convince the readers of ThE | Cavrr that, with all his ability, Ambrose | Bierce is a_complete and utter failure in literature. Iam making progress. i Finding bimself cornered in the matter | of the Shakesperean couplet Bierce resorts to the puerile trick of fibbing. He states falsely that he prepared a trap for me. He did prepare a trap—for himself. In that trap there is now a very small rat named | Ambrose Bierce, and as Christmas times | are approaching I propose to feed him on his favorite limburger cheese. | Bierce knows thoroughly that he was com- | pletely whipped. His ingenious but cow- ardly and disingenuous attempt to shield | himself behind an untruth indicates the | vulpine character of the man. He discov- ers a difference between blank verse and | dramatic blank. It is a very cunming | “fake,” but fails todeceive anybody. There | is no such thing as dramatic blank. It is quite true that some dramatists, in the | colloquial passages, take liberties with blank verse, but in the passages quoted by me Shakespeare took no such liberties, for the passages were epic, or descriptive, passages; and I was very careful in my | selections to avoid the colloquial and pre- | sent only the lengthy and epic portions of the great master’s work. Bierce was an elephant on stilts; I removed the stilts, and he wallows in the gutter. When cornered, Bierce has the trick of the sniveling lad who, having had his | ears boxed, runs off, shouting back all the bad words his poor little memory can pre- sent to him. | In_the article which I am | now criticising, Mr. Bierce revels in a wealth of foul names. In another of these | articles, he calls me some twenty several | and distinct opprobrious terms; that, of course, is criticism. e The only character in Shakespeare with | which Ambrose Bierce is familiar is his prototype, Caliban, whom Shakespeare describes as ““A freckled whelp, hag-born— | not honored with a human shape.”” Cali- ban protested that he must live, ana Bierce also thinks it necessary that he should | live. T object to his conclusion. Mr. Bierce | claims that he is educatindg me. Well, T am willing to be educated by anybody. Shakespeare’s_opinion of Caliban Bierce would read well in the prospectus of this new pedagogue. Here it is: w st Iying slave, - Whom 5 i Taay move, not kindness; I have used thee, Filth as thou art, with human care.” And, now, to answer Bierce’s grand | bombastic flourish of trumpets over his familiarity with prose and his ability to commit adultery with words, his absolute independence of orthography, his con- tempt for lexicons and his impudent as- sertion that from his filthy doggerel lex- icographers are to take new and accept- able words. To all of this epileptic goose- gaggle I answer, rats! 'oor man, he thought himself a grizziy bear, and he is only a very common little sewer-rat, trn}vped in his own wiles. 3 No standard writer takes liberties with words. True, the scholar may give cur- rency to new words, whole words, not mongrel words, not mere bastards, but new words born within the proper relations between words. Mr. Bierce has never coined one single, living word. He has been, however, a word forger these many years—a _ poor, bungling counterfeiter, ‘whose coin no man desires. He has never given birth to one original idea, he has merely an original method of throwing dirt, and I intend to bury him in his own muss. I chnllenfe him now to go back over his own work and produce one single line that deserves long life. He probably won't accept the challenge. Here is a iine which he fathers, ‘‘Live to get whelpage and preserve a name'’; and hereisanother of his creations, **But damn you, I'll shoot ou, if ever you gouch’; and here is a ine of which, I understand, he isunduly proud, *‘The vaulting spitball drops un- timely down.” Alas! poor Caliban, in his own lines I pray for him— «Lord, shed thy light upon his desert path, And glld his branded brow, that no man spill His forfeit life to balk thy holy will ‘That spares him for the ripening of wrath.” Hereis a line from one of his heroic pentameters: *‘One ate his bacon, t’other 1 have | taken pains to read everything that he | of the ancient satirist, and who dares to thrust himself in with Homer, Sappho, Plato, Virgil, Horace, Seneca, Catnllus, Lucian and Longinus, to say nothing of Bacon, Shakespeare, Marlowe and Milton. Bierce has taken the trouble tc preserve the line “In amber,” so that generations | yet to come may quote it as the work of the immortal Caliban Bierce. The mag- nitude and importance of the information conveved cannot e lightly regarded. How, in a thousand years from uow, scholars will rejoice to know that, in the year of grace 1892, of two local statesmen, “One | ate his bacon, t'other one his beef.”” i am obliged to Mr. Bierce for a de- | scription of himself: 2 | “Provincial censor, all untaught in art, | With mind indecent and indecent beart, Do you not know—nay, why should I explaln? | Instruction, argument, alike were vain— T'll show you reason when you show me brain.” Now, Ambrose, having borrowed your lines, I thank you kindly for the loan. I have spanked you in all decency and you may put on your trouserettes and sit down if you can. T must, however, give you a little lecture. In your small back talk you named many very bright boys, but there are a great many equally bright boys of whom you do not seem to have any knowledge and as these are Christmas times and everybody is giving away every- thing I will make you a vpresent of my Enchiridion in which you will find a big | Toil of illustrious names *Which down the steady breeze of honor sail,”’ and here are | some” of them: Plutarch, Richard de | Bury, Petrarch, Chaucer, Erasmus, Machia- velli, Luther, Ascham, Montaigne, Daniel, Bishop Hall, Fuller, Baxter, Cowley, | Locke, Addison, Johnson, Gibbon, Goethe, Wordsworth, Lamb, Southey, Hazlitt, Landor, De Quincey, Leigh Hunt, Bulwer, Macaunlay, Herschel, Carlyle, Emerson, Oliver Wendell Holmes, James Russell Lowell, Ruskin, and some two hundred other good little boys. Amby, not one of these was ever known to use the naughty little words of which you are so fond. So take my little book, Namby, you will find it “infinite riches in a little room,” and remember what Horace says, *‘Léctio qua placuit, decies repetita placebit,” so the more frequently you read the little book, Pamby, the better. But [ see a tear in your big eye, my Iittle man, and I would not have you “‘fray or maculate” vour pretty face, so come along, my little Busebius, and we will knock a brick or two outof this old wall that divides the jolly past from the dull, dry present; and look, Amby, look through this peephole and see yonder, in the far-off, the old homestead, for we are back in the long, long, ago, when youand I were boys, Ambrose, for, thongh you are very old in literary wickedness, you are not so old as to have forgotten that you were once a very small boy. And see, there is the big, generous hearthstone, and the great yule log crackling forth its Christmas song, and there, in the yellow, red glare, how you and I made pictures of the future that never, never came, Ambrose. There is the good mother and the dear old 2ad, and the big and little brothers, and the sisters, and the coy sweethcarts, and the holly berries and the mistletoe, and the fun and the jol- | lity, and the heart-warming, and the glad- Iness of it all, and how we dreamt, | Ambrose, of great deeds to fill up our big | ambition; and how we hoved and made | plans, Ambrose, and dreamed again and again, and how it all came to naught. And you and I look back over the waste of years and forward across the great desert that is still before us and wonder what is beyond the marge thereof. Ah, we were happy in those young days, Ambrose; we had not tasted of sinthen, nor drunk of the streams | that turn generous thoughts into selfish hopes and sweet dreams into a fierce fight for existence. But there, funny along, my little Seneca. You and I may have been boys at the same time, but not boys to- gether, Ambrose; not together for any length of time; but remembering that we were boys you may now take your holi- days, Ambrose, and take Funnymede with you, my little Sophocles. It will not in- crease your knowledge—that is impossible, my small Pliny, but it may improve your manners, my little Diderot, and when you return from your vacation, my gentle Schopenhauer, the rod comes out of pickle, and should you offend again, why, then, of course, the same old process will have to be gone through. But should you come back intent on good, why, Ambrose, we’ll the Salvation Army, you and i’, and you can “‘tambourine the circumjacency’” and I can philopene the captainess, and thus do penance for your sins, Ambrose. If you come back the same naughty little boy I wish you to con the lines, “Lay on, Macduff,and damnd be he that first cries, Hold, enough,” and shout them in your best palpitating treble, and T’ll answer you, Ambrose. Meanwhile. with the old- fashioned courtesy of a gentleman, I bow to you and wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year, and when the ashes turn white and the yule log has turned black, come to me, Ambrose, for [ love to whack you. SAYS HE IS SHIFTLESS. Mrs. Lagrave's Reasons for Asking for the Removal of Emile Colson. Mrs. Catherine Lagrave has petitioned the Probate Court to remove from the office of executor of the estate of Marianne Colson the husband of the deceased, Emile Colson. The estate is worth $10,000 and Mrs. Lagrave has a claim against it for $5000, and because she thinks that under its pres- | ent management the estate will never pay her what is due, she asks that Colson be relieved from his office. She saysof him that he is *‘a shiftless, incompetent and indolent person, addicted to the use of in- toxicating liquors.” Judge Slack will investigate. ——————— A Rancher Missing. A. Piovetti, arancher from Grand Island, on the Sacramento River, disappeared from the Hotel Italia, 215 Clark street, last Monday morning and the police have been asked to find him. He is five feet eight inches tall, full face, big eyes and sandy mustacke. - NEW TO-DAY. HRISTHAS MR Giving a man something be neeas looks like char- But an article of ity. luxury and enjoyment is accepted as a genuine, unadulterated gift. Give him a box of the one his beef.” The poetry in this line is worthy of the man who claims the mantle w NEW TO-DAY. 4 HUNYON! IS INDORSED BY YOUR " NEIGHBORS. READ WHAE THEY SAY, Rheumatism, Catarrh, Dyspepsia and Other Ailments Vanquished by Munyon's Improved Homeo- pathic Remedies. A Separate Cure for Each Disease—Ask Your Druggist for Munyon’s Guide to Health and Cure Yourself With a 25-Cent Munyon Remedy. Professor Munyon — Dear S8ir: Your Rbeumatism Cure has worked wonders in case, and I cheerfully recommend it to all sufferers from rheumatism. I became 80 helpless from this cause that I was obliged to give up my occupation -as ex- ressman several months ago, and have een in bed most of the time since. A friend of mine gave me a_bottle of your cure, and I must confess I was surprised by the prompt benefit it gave me. I hope that others may receive as much_ benetit as [ have. JOHN DAVEY, 221 Langdon street, San Franciseo. 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