The San Francisco Call. Newspaper, December 8, 1895, Page 19

THE SAN FRANCISCO CALL, SUNDAY, DECEMBER &, 1895. THE ILLITERACY OF AMBROSE BIERCE. BY WILLIAM GREER NARRISON. ierce has posed these many years as the “bad man” in literature. Even a bad man cannot be expected to smile on his own debicle. In Mr. Bierce’s case the up is emphasized because a toy pis- st tol did Let me explain myself to Mr. Bierce. He bas been the Bogie Man of San Fran- cisco for quite a number of years; he has fri htened a great many people: he has royed some people; he has brought ars to many a woman’s eyes, and he has brought the indignant oath to many 1 honest man’s lips, and so he has been a terror. I have discovered him to be a stuffed man. niel O'Connell, the Liberator, thought ecessary to silence a notorious scold—a coarse, vulgar fishwife of Dublin—and he did so by calling her a rectangular hy- potenuse. Mr. Bierce is a vulgar frac- tion. Iie does not answer my criticism be- cause he cannot. Instead he hides be- neath a woman’s skirts, and thrusts Ma- dame Ferrier before him as a protection against the thrashing which he deserved for the use of the words ‘“proselyting,’” ‘‘porrect,”’ “affined,” “impaction.” And how siliy he is about Madame Ferrier. As written by myself in plain English, the line might$be said to be metrical. As written by Mr. Bierce it is very common- place prose. The line will scan whether Madame has an ‘“e’’ or has none, and, as Mr. Bierce did not write Madame Ferrier with a French dressing, he cannot complain if it is read in ordinary English. So he may as well come from under Madame Ferrier's skirts. Bierce is the victim of imperfect sym- pathies. Not understanding others he is himself generally misunderstood. I am explaining him. His knowledge is greater than his ability to use it. Therefore, when he writes we have an ill-digested mass, heavy, coarse and vulgar. Occa- ionally this mass is lighted up by a clever twisting of words or distortion of phrases, but the general result is nauseous. Mr. Bierce says that I will not again indulge in a couplet at the beginning of a blank verse passage. He is quite mis- taken. I am writing a poem, dedicated to im, and will begin it with a couplet. Meanwhile here is another kind of couplet: BIERCE. itters and sputters longs 1o the gutters. ttle trisyllabic which I anksgiving offering, and stmas gift for him: e knocked at the gates of hell, he brazen beil. who dared to 4, *Here all aen may come, ferce, whose prattle Is but tweedledum.” savery poor little poem; indeed, cery bad, but it is quite as good as, if tter than, anything Bierce has denies that he is an authority in e. He does not claim to be a poet; thereis a grotesque strainine after theat- rical effect. The author exhibits a curious Passion for blood. Blood, carnage, death make his trinity of pain. He builds hor- ror upon horror, but leaves exposed the scaffolding employed m the construction. He has no imagination. He is therefore nota story-teller, in a literary sense. The poverty of his intellect is exhibited in the fact that the same idea, with very slight variation, is made to serve as the ground- work for several of his tales. Ina “‘Horse- man in the Sky” he makes a son fire upon his father. In the *“Affair at Coulter’s Notch” he makes an artillery officer shell the home of his wife and daughter. In **An Occurrence at Owl Creek,” there is a feeble attempt at sensationalism in the effort to describe the feelings of a hanged man. There is neither art nor truth in the relation. In “One of the Missing’ the author exhibits that kind of cleverness which leaves the reader in the dark as to his meaning. The story appears to be a stud 7 of the sensations of a man dyinga horrible death, without any apparent cause. In ‘‘A Tough Tussle” a Federal officer, who hates dead bodies, is made to keep a lonely vigil by the side of one already dead. Mr. Bierce seems to see some propriety in making the living officer attack the dead boay, and then fatally attack himself, but he faiis to do more than disg his reader. In another of these blood-curdling stories, ‘“ A Watcher by the Dead,” a doctor undertakes to play the role of a corpse with the view of scar- ing a brother doctor. There is a lively struggle between the corpse and the watcher; the latter is killed, but the corpse escapes to become a hopeless lunatic. It is a gruesome and clumsy narrative. “The Man and the Snake’ is built on similar lines and offers no relief from the horrors first named. It is‘an attempt to play the bogie with a stuffed snake. The author repeats himself, or some one, else, in “The Suitable Surroundings.” A very prolix ghost story, with a strong flavor of chestnut. The chief feature in this story1s a short supply of candles. itself, and that is what is very likely to tales. (The author of *'Black Beetles” presents a curious psychological study, for he dis- plays a remarkable fondness for mad peo- ple, which is painfully suggestive.) “The Middle Toe of the Right Foot,”” a duel to the death in a dark room, long knives, scarcity of candles and no contest. One man elopes with himself; the other scares himself to death. I won't tire the reader with any further reference to these horrible tales of horror. The analysis of the stories discloses the narrowness of the author's ability. His stock in trade consists of “stari outs of blood,” “froth,” aginary adversaries, dark , ned table, a half-burned candle and a stuifed snake. melodramatic pictures full of horror. I am not surprised that the publishing- houses refused to accept this hysterical hodge-podge. Mr. Bierce is not a story-teller, in a literary sense. His style, to use his own v not a critic; what is he, a er is obvious. He made upon the Celtic Prince be- 1at gentleman spoke in a in measures, and now, with an ety that is sublime, and an im- ing, he claims the 'y measures, create new words, the meaning of old ones. He nd a stock of hexameters, penta- spondees, trochees, dactyls and gs in the nature of tin cans. He elf tying these to the tail of r's fio;, but when they are tied Bierce proclaims his groes ignorance me with falsehood when I said espeare frequently opened a e of blank verse with a rhymine Apparently he has never read eare, but doubtless his readers The following passazes will be of t to them, and in reading them they see how utterly false Ambrose ce 18. all the quoted passages Shakespeare a rhyming couplet introducing his blank verse: Two Gentlemen of Verona,”” act 2, scene 7, Julia begins a blank-verse passage with a couplet: « Counsel. Lucetts: gentle girl, assist me, And even in kind love I do conjure thee.” “The Comedy of Errors,’”’ act 4, scene 1, opens with a couplet preceding blank verse You know since Pentecost the sum Is due, since T have not much importuned you.” ichard the II,” act2, scenel, King hard opens blank passage with a coup- and is immediately followed by York, o does the same thing: “ The ripest fruit first falls, and so doth he; His spent, our pilgrimage must be.” shall I be patfent? Ah, how long E vder duty make me suffer wrong?” In act 4, same play, scene 1, King Rich- ard again opens a blank-verse passage with a couplet: « Ay. no! No, ay! For I must nothing be; Therefore, no, 1o, for I resign to thee.” «Henry the VI,” part1, act3,scene 3, La Pucelle opens a blank-verse passage with a couplet: « Besides, all French and France exclalms on thee, Doubting thy birth and lawful progeny.” «“Henry the VI,”” part 2, act 3, scene 2, Warwick begins a blank-verse passage with a couplet: « But that the guflt of murder bucklers thee ‘And I should rob the deathsman of his fee. “Julius Cesar,” act 1, scene 1, Marullus spens a blank-verse passage with couplet: « Wherefore rejoice, what conquest brings he home? o What tributaries follow him to Rome? «pericles,” scene 1,act 1, opens blank- assage with couplet: « Sea where she comes appareled like the spring, Graces ber subjects, and her thoughts the King.” In the same play, act 2, scene 4, Heli- canus opens blank-verse passage with couplet: « No, Escanes, know this of me, Antiochus from incest lived pot free.” And these are only a few of a large num- ber of instances where Shakespeare em- ploys this method of introducing blank verse. Mr. Bierce may object to Shakespeare. Let him turn to Ben Jonson, and there be will find numerous instances of a similar 1se of the couplet. This exposure of Bierce's ignorance rly indicates his illiteracy. In his anxiety to pose for the gallery he bas Jost the *“‘proper function of literary elegancy.” Look into his “Tales of Soldiers,” etc. Those show familiarity with military life and a capacity to describe military affairs. As I have already said, there are many very beautiful lines, many strong whole- some phrases and much good, terse Eng- lish in these tales. But, from beginning 10 end, they areinartistic; and all through verse phrase, is bizarre, and he is curiously in- different as to his use of words. 29 of histales of “Soldiers, etc.,”” we read, “Pains appeared * * * to beat with an inconceivably rapid periodicity,” and in the next sentence the same pains “‘seemed like streams of pulsating fire.” Pulsate means to beat, to throb, to move with rhythmical impulse. How fire can be said to do this is not apparent. On the same page we read of a man oscillation, like a vast pendulum.” A pendulum describes arcs as it swings or oscillates, but it does not swing through the oscillation, nor oscillate through the swinging. It swingsor oscillates through the ajr. [f the “arcs of oscillation’ are “unthinkable,’” it is to be presumed that “unthinkable” also, and if the man re- sembles the pendulum he too is “unthink- able.” Where the author’s wits were when he penned this marvelous stupidity is not evidént. But let us go back to “Pains appeared to beat with an inconceivably rapid period- icity.”” “Periodicity” is the habit of re- curring or the tendency to recur at regzu- lar 1ntervals. What an inconceivably but I suspect that it is not the habit that is “inconceivabiy rapid,” but the recur- rence, and so all this cumbrous *‘high- falutin” resolves itself into plain English as “great rapidity.” Fie, fie, Mr. Bierce. On page 46 men's faces are “‘gouted with rea.” Bierce meant ‘‘smeared with blood.” On page 48 they are “freaked and macula- ted with stains”; that is to say, thev had ““dirty faces.”” On page 70 he says “‘a small rap on the head * * * incarred simui- taneously,” etc. Only Mr. Ambrose Bierce can “incur arap.” On page 86 he writes, “He resolved to meet his fate more manly”’; this is clumsy beyond excuse. Bierce meant in a manly manner, but maenly is an adjective. Manlily is the ad- verb. Onpage 94 the author introduces an American officer, and describes him as “flamboyantly attirea.”” He meant us to understand that the officer wasin uniform. He might just as well have said that he was a piebald ’possum from the panting prairie. On page 96 we find this delicious morsel: “From a position of that compara- tive security, from which a civilian would ascribe his escape to a miracle, he may be dispatched,” etc. What does it all mean? Whether the civilian would ascribe the position or the security or the escape from the position, or the escape from the secu- rity to a miracle, the puzzled reader is unable to say. On page 155 the author intimates that “a loss of which we will never be conscious can be borne with com- posure.” Ordinary English scholars would use *‘shall” and not “will,” though even, then, the sentence is as clumsy as the wobbling of a young dog. On page 202 we read, “Old boots ple- thoric of rotting leaves.” Plethoric means afflicted with plethora, wizich is a super- abundance of blood in the whole body or in some orzan—an abnormal fullness or repletion. The synonym of plethoric is corpulent. The author intended to say that the “old boots were full of rotting leaves.” Why he couldn’t say so is owing to the fact that he then, as now, suffered from a mental ‘‘impaction.” In another place he uses the phrase, ‘Desuitory remnants of a flannel shirt.” The word desultory might be applied to Mr. Bierce’s method of study, but not to the ‘remnants of a flannel shirt.” On page 294 an unfortunate old lady is “chlorided to her fathers.” *‘Gath- ered to her fathers’” is scriptural, poztical and good English. “Chlorided to her fathers” is a grotesque plagiarism and is very bad English, and therefore Biercine. Cnloride is a noun; the verbs are cblor- idize, chlorinate and chloridate. These were not sufficient for Mr. Bierce's pur- pose, so he inventsa new verb, “chlorided.” Well, all the chloride in the world will not dispose of the bad odor of his bad English. Mr. Bierce’s prattle has become mere “pribbles” and *‘prabbles,”” with the ‘‘yel- lows” in them, and he himself a literary gargoyle. A STUDY IN 'CHOPS. “Chops, sir? Yes, sir,” replies the waiter, immediately gliding across the room and transmitting to the cook the following para- phrase of our order, “Two muttons to fol- low,” which we again may, for the benefit of those gentle readers who have not been initiated into the mysteries of & city chop- house, explain to signify that one and the same individual requires two chops to be cooked and served up in succession, so that he may eat them both as they come reeking and | piping not from the gridiron. Having made these arrangements for our prandial meal we wait in perfect confidence the advent of the chops, spending tpe few | minutes that elapse before their appearance in contrasting the wretched dish of thin, 4Ty, hard, blackened, frizzled objects—which We had ‘at our boarding-house yesterday with the plump, succulent, tender masses which We know right well from numerous experiences are preparing for our delectation. Itis need- less to ask any benedici to institute a like | comparison. Chops at home are an abomita- | tion, a makeshift—a mere means of eking out | sn otherwise unsatisfactory meal. Does a | iriend drop in, and benedict’s wife states that they have nothing left, but that they can soon cook a chop? Notice the alacrity with which the offer is ‘‘declined with thanks”—where- upon bevedict and his friend sally forth to the favorite chophouse and order the very dish they despised at home. If we seek to discover the causes which lead to the vast superiority of the chop at “Joe's” over the chop at home we must have recourse 10 the first principles of culinary chemistry. The flesh of the sheep, like that of all other | animals, is not a simple’ body, but consists of several distinct substances, each of which is acted upon in a different manner by heat. In order to practice the art of cooking success- fully, and in accordance with the science of | eheintistrs, we should know what the varions | substances are which compose our food, and | what are the effects of different degrees of heat | on eact. The most abundant ingredient of flesh is water, which consiltutes three-quarters of its weight. It must, however, be borne in mind that this water contains dissolved in 1t certain proportions of substances ot the highest possi- ble value as articles of food; hence it isof the utmost importance in ail the processes of cook- ery that not a single drop, if possible, of this juice of the flesh be permitted o escape. Its retention is necessary to secure the succulence and sapidity as well as the nutritive character of the meat. The reader is done to death by the story ! happen to anybody who reads Mr. Bierce's | With these cheap and | tawdry properties he works up a series of On page | “swinging through unthinkable arcs of | the pendulum which describes them is | rapid habit of recurrenceis I do not know; | Of the solid constituents of the flesh one of | the most important is that which cons‘itutes | the fibers, or grainof the meat. Thisis termed by chem. fibrin, and although in some mys- erious condition it exists dissolved in the biood, in its solid form it is quite insoluble in | either hot or cold water. Fibrin is hardened | and contracted by heat, even when the tem- perature is not greater than that of boiling water. Another substance existing in the flesh is | precisely similar in all its properties to the | white of an egg, hence it is appropriately termed albumen. In its liquid state n‘bumen readily dissolves in water, but, exposed toa temperature even 30 degrees short of boiling it hardens, or coagulates, and becomes quite insoluble in and impervious to water. In addition to these substances a certain por- tion of gelatine exists in the flesh. But as the quantity is Dot large, except in_the tendonous and sinewy portions, it is not very important 10 our present subject. ken of the action of heat upon suts of flesh when in a separate condition, let us now consider its influence upon them as they exist combined in the Oa putting the chop down to the fire = first effect of heat is the coagulation of albumen on the s e exposed to it. By this esh is rendered solid and an | outside layer is formed through which the juice cannot pass. If the application of heat ® be longer continued, the increased tempera- ture causes the hardening and contraction of the fibrin; this coutraction squeezes out the i h rapidly escapes from the side of arthest from the fire, and should its n be sllowed to continue, the meat be- comes dry, hard, insipid and innutritious. The expericnced cook, however, never per- mits_the temperature 1o rise to such a degree, and the escape of the juice on the other side is | prevented by the frequent turning of the chop, | =0 that the insoluble coating of albumen is formed on both sides before any can be forced | out by the contraction of the fibrin. P ically, the rules to be borne inmind in broiling are as follows: The chops must be cutof & thickness cer- | tainly not less than one inch and a half, and { they should be severed from the loin by the | saw, 80 as to be uniform in thickness: they should then be piaced down to a clear, bright fire, o that the albumen of one side may be immediately coagulated, and then they should be ai ouce turned, and this turning be repeated almosi incessantly until | they are dome: if a fork is “thrust {inio the flesh the juice escapesthrough the | punctures and the chop is spoiled; therefore a pair of small tongs should be emplosed for that purpose ul hop be cut in two to | mecertain if it be sufficiently cooked, and then | put down to the fire again, it is immediately spoiled. The golden rules of broiling a chop are: (1) Select a thick chop. (2) Take care that your fir. ciear and bright. (3) Let the turning ve rapid and incessant. Attention to these will securea great im- provement in our domestic cookery, and with alittle practice the chops at home may even rival those at “Joe's.” But here comes the walter with my first “mutton.” Ah! Just what I expected—a model chop—done to a turn. BUSINESS IEN CONBI “ Retail Poultry and Fruit Dealers Form a Protective Asso- ciation. They Say That Wholesalers Have Been Infringing Upon Their Rights. There is at the present time a proposi- tion on foot between business men to pro- tect the trade of both wholesaler and re- tailer. The retailers in poultry and fruit joined hands last Thursday and formed a Retail Protective Association, witih Tom Burns as president, H. L. Zambelli as sec- retary and Frank Curtoni as treasurer. | The object of the association is to pro- tect the retailers from any wholesaler or commission merchant who might sell to the public at large as a retailer, in this way injuring not only the retailers but | also poultry - raisers and fruit - growers. The Commission Merchants’ Protective Association bas published notices which reaa as follows: Commission Merchants’ Protective Association: The following laws and rules will be enforced on and after December 14, 1895 Section 1. *Bills for goods sold to retail deal- | ers in the cities of San Francisco, Oakland and Alameda shall be due and peyabie on the first Monday following the sale of goods, and be- come delinquenton and after the following Thursday. "All bills for goods sold to denlers outside of the cities of San Francisco, Oakland and Alameda shall be due and payable on the fifteenth day following the sale of the goods, and if not paid be delinquent on the eigh- teenth azy following the sale of goods. Section 6 provides that when any party or parties ehall dispose of their bustness and not pay ail cheir indebtedness to mewnbers of this association creait will not be granted their successors until sucn time as all indebtedness due members of this association has been paid, end then only upon the approval of the commitiee. All crates, chests, boxes, etc., must be settled for as merchandise, and under no circum- stances shall tney be carried forward from week to week, but must be settled for at the time each bill is paid. These notices have spurred on the retail- ers to action and they have now started their associativn in such a manner that all wholesalers caught selling at retail will be bpoycotted. They have determined neverwdpurcha:a again from a firm so boycotted unless they put up a bond of 81?0_'1.0 be forfeited in case they do sell at retail. The retailers will also join with the wholesalers in a plan to protect them- selves from peddlers who are not licensed. It is merely a business proposition be- tween business men. If the wholesalers wish to have their bills settled promptly each week they must keep out of the retail business and thus give the retailers ‘a chance to pay bills, which will otherwise be impossible. Mr. Burns thinks that all honest com- mission merchants will agree to this, and then business will go on as smoothly as in days of yore. | 30 years, they would, according to PIONEER REMINISCENCES, In the Days of Old, the Days of Gold, the Days of Forty-Nine. [ PASSING OF THE ARGONAUTS. Each Had a History of His Own and Thrilling Tales to i Tell. Flag again drooping listlessly at half- mast on the staff above Pioneer Hall, pro- claiming another argonaut at rest, the surt of the sunset sea chanting his mournful requiem. How oft of late has this sad reminder of the mortality of their asso- | ciates been displayed tothe gaze of the surviving adventurers of The days of old, The days of gold, The days of '49! And yet it would, indeed, be strange if, ends. But she had to put into Rio for re- pairs. s THE BRAZILIAN CAPITAL. ‘What a haven of rest for the weary souls en route to the Golden Gate! Would that I could adequately give a pen portraiture of the magnificent harbor of Rio de Janeiro! Straits as narrow as those of New York or San Francisco. Clusters of conical islands clothed in the luxuriant foliage of the tropics dot the placid bosom of the bay. Onene side of the ‘‘Gate” stands the frowning fortress and on the other the towering eminence known as the ‘‘Sugar- loaf,” a barren rock in somber contrast to the verdant slopes of the lofty ‘‘Cocoa- vado”’ beyond. Emerging from the straits into the broad bay a panorama at once sublime and picturesque. Amphitheat- rical in shape, the far-aistant mountains fringing the horizon, and so lofty that their tops are ciad in a mantle of perpetual snow. The gentle slopes extending to the margin of the bay opposite the city are studded with the palatial mansions of Brazilian noblemen or adorned with the cozy cottages of the humbler citizens. ‘The foliage surrounding these suburban homes adds vastly to the attractive features of the landscape. The bay is at least scventy-five miles in ecircuit. On the shores of this -and sheet of water looms up the city of ts last Emperor, Dom Pedro. The min- arets on the hundreds of churches and monasteries, the gilded domes of ca- thedrals, the white walls of the public buildings of a religious and secular char- acter present to the voyager entering this gate a tropical paradise, an enchanting panorama. But the illusion is dispelled on entering HENRY B. LIVINGSTON. in this closing decade of the century, adults who landed on these Occidental shores nearly fifty years ago should not now be rapidly passing into the un- discovered country. The vast majority of the searchers for the “golden fleece’” were in the bloom of early manhood. Few had reached middle age, and scarcely one in & thousand beyond the meridian of life. Arriving here between the ages of 20 and inexorable laws, end their earthly pi | age at or before the three score and ten years allotted to mortals. Of 750 senior members of the Society on the roster now living, thirty-s were born in 1819, thirty-four in 1820, thirty-five in 1821, forty-one in 1822, fifty- nine 1n 1823, fifty-two in 1824, fifty-five in 1825 and fifty-four in 1826. The three oldest argonauts on the roll of the survivors are Admiral Selfridge, born in 1805; Captain John Short, in 1807, and Francis Roiand, in 1809. None of these octogenariansare incapaci- tated, either meatally or physically, from pursuing their daily avocations, and very few of the men in the ‘‘seventies” can be classed among superannuated septua- genarians. Enured to toil and enduring unwonted hardships and privations in the early days, these surviving adventurers have neverthe- less preserved their constitutions all but unimpaired, and, free trom care and bodily ailment, they pass the evening of life in serenity, fearlessly and unfalteringly awaiting the summons of the Divine Master to join the frent majority in the pale realms of shade beyond the silent river. To depict, very imperfectly may be, some of the sketches and narrate incidents of ye olden time is the purpose of the writer of this communication. In dissertations and lectures, published and delivered at fre- quent intervals, have been embodied ex- ceedingly interesting information in the California experiences of the narrator. And there was no sameness in the narra- tives. Each had a history of his own, and thrilling tales to tell of sufferings endured and fond anticipations unrealized. Inthe lives of gold-seekers during those primi- tive days disappointed hopes and blasted expectations were the rule, and success the exception. If the varied experiences of the pioneer ininers in the mountains, the merchants in the marts of trade, the me- chanics In the workshops and the profes- sional men in their respective avocations could be given to the world through the medium_of the printing press, stories as incredible as those of the Arabian Nights and more exciting than the adventures of Gulliver would electrify the most phleg- matic skeptics in Christendom. AN EVENTFUL VOYAGE. The writer trusts that it will not be deemed presumption in him to revive in this communication personal reminis- cences of his pioneer voyage to the El Dorado of the Occident and subsequent experiences in the land of Ophir. Just prior to the exodus of the yan of the grand army of gold-hunters the official news reached the National capital. Simultane- ously with its pmmnlfinuqn the seaboard cities were convalsed with excitement. Rich and poor alike caught the yellow fever. But the first tide swept off neither the rich nor the poor. The wealthy could afford to wait and the impecunious could not get away. The merchant, the me- chanic, the manufacturer and the profes- sional man_constituted the bulk of the argonauts who paid the exorbitant passage money. But these were speedily followed by the enterprising farmers of the country, both East and West, and the traders of the thriving interior settlements. In the van of the Emnnr fleet was the Christoval Colon, she beingone of the first four vessels to sail from Gotham. On January 6, 1849, she started on her “voyage of discovery,” and by an apt coincidence the craft bore the name of the Genoa navi- gator. The uképpcr had an ominous sur- name also—Coftin. Aud when three days afterward in the gulf stream off Ca; Hatteras, that graveyard of seamen, the gallant craft was dismasted in a hurricane, we felt that the only Coffin aboard would 0 down with the rest of us to Davy Jones’ ocker ‘“‘unknelled, uncoffined and un- sung.” But the stout ship came outof her fight with old Neptune and Boreas right side up after lying all night on her beam | the city. The bay may truly be the theme ! of lofty panegyric, but the streets and alleys of the town are as repulsive as those of Constantinople. California-bound pas- | sencers, half famished, made an onslaught | on the restaurant of the Hotel Pharoux. very Juxury and delicacy on the mena | ere called for—and so was the bill. To the utter amazement of the party, the pretty demoiselle who sat at the re- ceipt of customs handed overthe counter a wilderness of figures, which being | counted up amounted to some thousand mille de reys. Aghast did the dining argonauts stare at the monstrous extor- tion. Isut to their inexpressible re the ! fair interpreter gave them to understand that each figure represented only the frac- tional part of a cipher. It is needless to say that the very moderate bill was set- tled without growling. Enchanting are the botanical gardens at Botofogo, one of the loveliest Iocalities of either hemisphere. Every variety of | tree, shrub and flower is to be found in these gorgeous gardens. On one of our | jaunts Dom Pedro was met mounted on a stalwart sorrel steed, and who with his suite was bound to the celebration in the city of the birthday anniversary of his wife, the accomplished sister of the King of Naples. JOLLY PIONEERS ON A SEA STEAMER. “Lucky dog you are, old man,”’ ex- claimed Purser Mcllvaine as_he booked tne stranded stranger for a trip from Rio | to Yerba Buena. His steamer, the Pana- | ma, entered the barbor while the Colon | was still undergoing repairs. He hap- pened to be an old Knickerbocker friend, and swore by the great horned spoon that this stranded wayfarer should get aboard his crait. Did'I jump at the chance! Well, did ever a_toothless spinster of 60 accept a proposal from a handsome man of 30! Before the Panama weighed anchor I found myself snugly ensconced in a nice stateroom, with Porter (afterward admiral) for a captain, and Hall McAllis- ter, Sam Ward, king of the lobby, Lieaten- ant George Derby alias John Pheenix, and other argonauts whose names have time and again appeared in print as fellow-pas- sengers. It may be remarked, en passant, that just prior to leaving port, and on the even- ing of March 4, 1849, the loyal sonsof our native land celebrated the inauguration of President Taylor by a sumptuous banquet at the same old Hotel Pharoux. From the dilapidated Colon to the com- modions Panama was a_transition from purgatory to paradise. The companion- ship of congenial spirits, toothsome viands ana the exhilarating anticipation of speed- ily reaching the golden goal made the trip from Rio to Patagonia an ocean picnic. Oh! the calm Pacific, the windless Pacific, the waveless Pacific! So I had read in childhood days, but fondest hopes were ruthlessly dispelled when the Panama’s prow first glunged into the Western ocean off Cape Pillar. The wind blew fearfully !andward. The night was as dark as Erebus. For hours the stanch ship made no headway, and the lee shore not a dozen miles away. A mountain wave all the way from Australia struck the craft-like a thunderbolt. She quivered like an aspen. The walking-beam stood on the center. It had to be pried over by muscle. It was a critical moment, but the crisisin an instant thereafter was passed. The gallant steamer weathered the cape and was safe. The tedium of an ocean voyage was en- livened by the immaculate ‘“‘Squibob,” whether on deck or in cabin. He issued the initial and final number of the Pacific Pioneer and pasted it on the mainmast of the vessel. The frontispiece represented a rear view of a huge digeer, and beneath was the explanatory note, “The latter end of a profane swearer.” At the Star Hotel in Valparaiso the waiter set before him a plate of cold bis- cuit. Beckoning to ‘the steward he shouted, “I say! Weren’t these biscuits made out of Chile flour!” Down in the doldrums, when ennui and universal lassitade and listlessness pre- vailed, Lieutenant Derby proved to be the Pheenix to revive their drooping spirits and infuse new life into their lethargic ins. "So one lovely mom:tliaht -uninfiho con- mt&dn‘nnique ente! wnmcm.u e pi;::d ail cabin passengers uarters on the after deck. A ou‘r:lin wuqnmmud amid- ships. On being drawn ‘“Pheenix,” him- self, a stalwart fellow of at least 200 pounds avoirdupois, was seen lying prone on the deck snugly ensconced in the arms of a rostrate steerage argonaut also of hercu- lean proportions. Arising slowly and facing the curious crowd he exclaimed, with the most sapctimonious countenance imaginable: ‘‘Ladies and gentlemen, this is the first of a series of tableaux for the evendng, viz.: a fair picture of the babes in the woods.”” Throughout the long voyage he con- tributed hugely to the entertainment of his fellow-voyagers. Woe to the hapless victim of his pungent witticisms. He was a man of scholarly attainments, a graduate at West Point in the topographical corps of engincers. He presented a striking contrast to Mark Twain. The youthof the latter was passed in the ‘“texas” of a Mississippi steamer. He had none of the advantages of an early education. His associates could scarcely appreciate his homely sallies and roagh jokes. On the contrary, the keen and polished witticisms of Derby, cutting like a Damascus blade, were enjoyed and applauded abroad as well asathome. A devoted admirer, “‘Sam ‘Ward,” a genuine humorist, delizhted in cornering ‘‘Pheenix,” for at repartee he was seldom worsted. When the “twain’’ met, their flashes of wit and merriment literally kept the table in 2 roar. But the richest of all the pranks played by the inimitable wag was on the alcalde at Toboga, while the ship lay anchored in the bay of Panama, A nephew of the swarthy native was christened, Pheenix standing a godfather to the saffron-hued infant, 1n the rustic bower improvised as a chapel, on the island. A collation followed the ceremony, and in the. evening a ball. Derby, who officiated as master of cere- monies, led out at the head of the first quadrille a native Granadan maiden, big as the fat damsel of a dime museum. At the supper table he plied his chocolate- hued partner with aguardiente so freely that she became totally oblivious. About midnight he was seen packing her home on his pack, meantime chaating the Ave Maria in lugubrious strains. Derby made his final exit from the ship at San Diego. Of his thrilling experiences there behold! are they not embcdied in the memorable annals of ‘“Pheenixiana?”’ TUnder the treaty of Guadaloupe Hidalio the Commissioners, headed by John B. ‘Weller, to run the boundary line between the United States and Mexico landed from the steamer Panama at the old hide house immortalized by Dana in his “Two Years Before the Mast.” This was on Junel, and on the 4th the pioneer steamer entered the Golden Gate. LIGHTS AND SHADOWS OF A MINER'S LIFE. The second Governor, I, John McDou- gall, piloted the schooner Louis Perry through the tortuous slough to Sutter- ville, he at that time being interesied in real estate thereabouts. It rained steadily all of June 7in the valley. Our party of twenty encamped on a ridge above high water. And if on this site the city of Sacramento had been built the millions of dollars lost by fire and flood would have been saved. ~No sooner had tents been ntched on the river banks than green- Eorns rushed, with milkpans in hand, to the margin of the river. How their optics glistened on seeing the -yellow scales in the sands of the beach! "And how glum they looked when the scales turned out to be worthless mica. Another fledgling of the law, aided by the writer. tried to drive an ©x team from Suiters Fort to the North fork of the American River. Neither knew ‘‘haw’” from “‘gee.” The cattle consequently had their own way. The heat of the arid plains was like that of a furnace. The parched bovines broke away and plunged through the bowlders to s'ake their thirst in the cooling stream. One of the yoke got wedged in the rocks. He couldn’t be extricated and had to be shot. And thus it happened how we made our first $150 like unto the Hibernian’s dividend. On Horseshoe Bar, alongside of the ninth Governor of California, mined “Chris_Lily,” the renowned pugilist, Julius K. Rose, C. D. Judah, J. G. Hyer, Thomas Sunderland, besides other pioneer lawyers, physicians and, in after days, | successtul merchants of the metropolis. | M. Lanriat, the most noted aeronaut of the day, walked into camp one day from Sutters Fort. He was then 80 years cld. Toward the last of June the first prairie schooner, laden down with besoiled women and tow-headed urchins, wheeled into camp. On the canvas covering was ainted in huge capitals “Pike Co., Mo.” 'his was the pilot of the grand overland procession of 1849. A more intelligent, orderly and indus- trious community than that along the North Fork of the American River during that eventful season did not exist east of the Rockies. Religious exercises were held each Sabbath in the groves, “God’s first temples.” Patti ought to have heard the choir leader. He wouid start off on “0Old Hundred” and bring up on “Yankee Doodle. By common consent no work was done on Sunday. But the boyswould blow out the biack sand from their pans of gold dust, wash and mend their shirts and spread them on the rocks to dry. An A{;\mdnnce of soaproot furnished the material. Red flannel was worn during the week and biue shirts on Sunday, out of re- spect for the day. An Oregonian brought a sack of onions into camp one day. The anti-scorbutic vegetables soid like Granv's New Orleans “Delta” at §2 apiece. In the following summer while rocking the cradle in a ravine a noble buck sprang over my head and vanished instaatly. Many months afterward the now_ cele- brated Alabaster cave was diszavered close by and I have since thought the deer dashed into that subterranean retreat for safety. My partner, a physician, used opium to ex- cess. On returning from a distant trading K}Jn one day I met a miner, who said “Dr. . died at Lis rocker an hour ago.” A half-em:tied bottle of laudanum was in his hand. His was the first grave dug on the slope of Pilot Hill above Dead fims Bar. An enormous machine for extracting gold with the aid of quicksilver was shipped from New York early in ’49 and transported to the North Fork diggings. Of course it proved worthless, and was abandoned by the roadside. And for a long time afterward this and _that locality was known as so many miles from the quicksilver machine. A RURAL FUNERAL. In the spring of 1850 a brother-in-law of President John Tyler met his death by accident. While descending the Sacra mento River in a whaleboat with three companions the lock of his_gun caught in the thort of the craft. T%s charge ex- ploded, killing him almost instantly. The casualty occurred near the mouth of Feather River. The body was taken ashore at Fremont. I being his only relative on the Pacific Coast, went up from Sacramento and took charge of the re- mains. - Fortunately an emigrant part; from Oregon were encamped on the ban! of the stream, and in a tent Ifound the body neatly attired for burial; thanks to the thoughtful and tender ministrations of woman. A rude box was built and the corpse placed therein by the yeomanry in camp. The saddest duty of my life was that of writing on the coffin lid the distressing news to the bereaved mother and afflicted widow, whose babe was born almost simultaneously with the receipt of the mournful intelligence. The funcral took g:uce in the open Xrlirie on*a lovely Sab- th morning in April. A good descon in camg conducted the simple obsequies. ‘We buried the poor fellow in the midst of wild flowers, for the unfenced valley was carpeted with them. The scene at the grave was both novel and impressiye. Here were gathered a band of careworn pilgrims, who had journeyed the previous season thousards of wiles by iand toward the setting sun. And here lay beforethem the lifeiess form of one who from the shores of the Eastern ocean had sailed other thonsands of miles and like them- selves in pursuit of the gold that perisheth. A most affecting episode occurred while the body was being lowered into the narrow subterranean cabin. Three or tour native Californians in the group came forward and bowing over the open ,fl“" most reverentially exclaimed: ‘‘Adios, senor, "’1‘%" “':girl“esnd ts, bu ave witn ‘pompous pagean t no obsequies are so indelibly impressed on . 19 the memory. as that rustic funeral in the verdant valley of the Rio Sacramento. Hexry B. LivINGSTON. A Judge’s Retorts. Two capital retorts, which are well worth rememoering, are attributed to the vener- able Chief Justice of the New York Court of Common Pleas, Hon. Charles P. Daly. At one time a delicate question as to the construction of a statute was discussed be- fore’ him, and after elaborate arguments on each side the Chief Justice decided the question in open court, giving his reasons in a few well-timed remarks, which caused a luli in the courtroom. The silence was speedily broken by the successful attorney, who stood np and said, with an air of patronizing aporoval: “May it please vour Honor, I for one, agree with vou entirely.” he Chief Justice, with a twinkle in his eye which betokened his enjoyment of the joke, but a perfectly grave face, quietly re- moved his glasses, and amid a breathless stillness said: “I have, counselor, gen- erally found in my experience that the successful party agrees with the court.” Upon another occasion a young attorney was trying to convince the Chief Justice that he did not know the law. The Juage listened to the young man’s baranzue with courteous patience for a long time, but at last be became weary. “My young friend,” he said, with an ironical smile, ‘‘before you are as old as I am you will have learned that it is about as well to read Chesterfield as Blackstone. —Youth’s Companion. —————— The earthquake in the vicinity of Seda- lia, Mo., had the good effect of starting the flow of water from springs and streams that had long been dry. NEW TO-DAY. AFATAL JISTARE Misunderstanding the Popu- larity of Drs. Copeland, Neal and Winn. The Real Cause of the Widespread Interest Over the $5 Rate, With All Medicines Included. The widespread interest over the low rate of $5 a month, including medicines, awakened over the whole coast, must lead to no misun- derstanding as to the cause of its popularity in San Francisco, where, first a nine days’ won- der, it is now a permanent and formidable fea- ture in the largest known practice. That it is the marvel of the professional work of this century is true—but why ? Because it is a wonderfully cheap rate? No! ratherbe cause it 1s the only rate for what is admittedly the best treatment in existence. This fact, gen- erally recognized by the San Francisco publie, who fearned long ago that under the $5 rat@ Drs. Copeland, Neal and Winn were doing bet- ter work than could be obtained from other doctors for $6, $10 or $20 a month, or $5 or $10 a visit, should be just as thoroughly known to those in other cities who are studying the effect of the $5 rate in introducing a new era in med- ical charges. Itisawakening the attention of the profession, not because it is cheap treate ment at a cheap price, but because itisthe best treatment at a merely nominal price. THE SUCCESSFUL TREATMENT Of One Case Always Leads Others to Heed the Warnings. That nothing succeeds like success is showr. in the statement made by Mr. Anton Decio, & well-known and popular business man of Ar- cata, Cal. He says: ANTON DECIO, ARCATA, CAL. T have been cured of a_case of catarrh by Drs.Copeland, Neal and Winn, and I want it known so that others may know what can be done for them. My trouble be%nn twelve or thirteen years ago. I was then living in Santa Cruz, where I am very well known. At first it did not amount to much, but it gradually grew worse, until I was suffering all the tortures of chronic catarrh, I doctored continually, and took all kinds of patent medicines, but nothing helped me. Ihad about made up my mind to ive it up, when I read of the good work of the Sopelaxm Medical Institute. I decided to try them, and did. with but little faith. Repeated failures had made me very skeptical, but m: friend, C. C. Richard, had been cured, and felt certain that if he could be cured there was a chance for me. I took the home treatment and began to improve, at first very slowly, but now I am as well as ever I was, with the excep- tion of my throat, but that is due to some of the treatment I had before. I want to recom- mend Drs. Copeland, Neal and Winn, a not find words to express my &ppreci their good treatment.”” READ THESE STATEMENTS. If You Doubt Them Investigate and Be Convinced. Mrs. M. C. Gilson, an eiderly lady, formerly a resident of Prescott, Ariz., but now living at 217 Francisco street, speaking of her ex- perience with the Copelan treatment, says: “I calied on Drs. Copeland, Neal and Winn and placed myself under their treatment. It was but a short time until T could hear and smell, and now I am sufe in saying that I am a well woman again. Their treatment is wonderiul, as the results in my case are but little short of miraculous. I earnestly advise all sufferers to go to the Cope- ]AnddMefllcll Institute if they want to be cured.” F. A. Pust, 220 Bush street, says: “On the advice of & physician, I called on Drs. Cope- land, Neal and Winn. They removed a num- ber of polypus without the least bitof pain and then cured my catarrh. I now feel perfectly well, and feel very grateful to them for the cure they have effected.” Mr. E. Nelson, 128 Ettie street, Oakland, says: “I had read and heard so much about the Copeland Medijcal Institute thatI determined to make a trial there. I did.and now feel liko another man. I can testify that the immediate relief after the first treatment was fully worth the small fee charged for the fuli month, and after a short course I was entirely cured. Any one desiring any further information regard- in&my case will'be cheerfully received if they will call on me.” 3 TREATMENT BY MAIL. For those desiring the treatment by mail_the first step is to drop aline to Drs. Copeland, Neal and Winn for a question list or symptom blank. Return same with answers filled out and treat- ment may be commenced at once. Every mail brings addjtional proof of the success of the ‘mail treatment. $5 A MONTH. No fee larger than $5 a month asked for an ase. Our motto 1s: “A Low Fee. Quicl Cure. Mild and Painless Treatment.” The Copeland Medical Insitnts, PERMANENTLY LOCATED IN THE COLUMBIAN BUILDING, SECOND FLOOR, 916 Market St, Next to 3aldwia Hotal, Over Beamish's. W. H. COPELAED. M.D. J. G. NEAL, M. A. C. WINN, SPECIALTIES—Catarrh_and all diseases of the Ear, Throat and Lun; Nervous Dise n Diseases, Chronic Diseases. O hours--9 A. M. to 1 P. M,2t05P. 710880 P x. Sunday—10 4. 3. 103 Foot, Catarrh troubles and kindred diseases treated successfully by mail. Send 4 cents in stamps m Zor question circulars.