Omaha Daily Bee Newspaper, October 17, 1903, Page 11

UNCLE JIM'S POSTHUMOUS JOKE A Short Story By Crittenden Marriott. “Copyright, 1908, by Crittenden Marriott.) Then the lawyer had finished I looked &t him in utter desperation. “Mr. Mason," I explained, almost ecrying, *“do you Mmean to tell me that Uncle Jim's money will all go to a set of alley cats un- Jess I marry & man I never saw in my life man who, according to all accounts, is one of the most repulsively ugly creatures that ever existed Mr, Mason looked distinctly sympathetie “I'm afrald that is the state of the case, Miss Willlams,” he answered. “Your uncle Insisted on leaving it in that way and In- Structed me to tell you, If you protested— #nd he seemed tolerably certain that you Wwould protest—that beauty was only skin—" “It's monstros! Horriblel It's carrying A Joke too far!" g “A joke!" the lawyer repeated feebly. #ho\ Jan't exactly call 1t—" “3 pat's what It is—a posthumous Joke! I knidw Uncle Jim would get even with me in some way, but I never dreamed he would do anything as cruel as this. It was posi- tively wicked of him when he knew how much mother and I would need the money." But perhaps I had better explain, Every man has his own fancy, I suppose, and Uncle Jim's was for practical joking. To #ay that Uncle Jim would rather joke than eat is to put the thing too mildly, sinoe he Bad invented and worked out this last al- leged joke on his deathbed. He owed me one in return for a trick I had played on him some months befors. Uncle Jim al- ways made a point of paying such debts, usually with interest. I was on the watch for his revenge for a long time, but forgot all about it one day when the dear old fellow was brought home knocked down by a runaway hori and so hurt that be died a week later. Mother and I took his fate a great deal harder than he did. In fact, he made, or, at least, pretended to make, a jest of it, telling me over and over again that the only thing he regretted was that he couldn't live long enough to get even with me. At the very last he glanced at me with & twinkle in his eys. “Too bad I couldn't get even with you, Bessie,” he sald. When his will was read I understood the twinkle, He had left all his fortune in trust, the income to be ¢ fided between me and my first cousin, Phi ) Stacy, for three years, and the principal to come to us at the end of that time, provided we married each other in the Interval. If either married anyons else or definitely refused to marry the other, the entire fortune was to vest in the other. We were to spend the month of June each summer at a certain watering place in order to get aoquainted with each other. If either of us stayed away, the money was to revert to the one who came, unless the meeting was waived by written agreement. If the three years ended with- out our marrying, the money was to §o to & home for friendless cats. Now, neither the Stacy nor the Williams igfamily was especially well to do. A fortune of $600,000 was not to be despised, and our {family as well as our Stacy cousins would hesitate for some time before giving it up; yet what girl could or would rejoice in be- ) ing deliberately told off to marry a man ‘whom she had never seen, especlally one as repulsively homely as Uncle Jim—who was the only one of us who had even seen our | Missouri cousins—has told us that Philip tacy was. "Phillp Stacy has a heart of gold,” sald Unele Jim again and again. “A heart of §0l4, but & face as ugly as that of the devil himself. However, you dom't mind that ‘when you know him.” Thinking of this te ds, I felt. sure that Uncle Jim was ' 0g to prevent the shock he knew that I, with my ideals of manly beauty, must ex- /perience when I should meet my cousin. JJf this was his hope, however, it was not Pealized for a long time, for it was nearly three years before either of us laid eyes on the other. This postponement of the inevitable came ‘about very naturally. Phillp was very il Just at the time of Uncle Jim's death or X suppose he would have come on for the funeral. When he recovered, he stayed away on purpose. I suppose he didn’t relish having a girl pltched at his head any more than I liked having & man thrown at mine. Six months later, when June came mlong and our first set meeting was to take place, I wrote to him, sccording to the terms of Uncle Jim's will, and asked his consent to postpone the mesting for one year. As an ingentive to this course of action, I enclosed a plcture of “my best friend, Nell Jones, who, though the dearest, sweetest girl in the world, was not—well, not exactly beautiful. Of ¢ourse, I didn’t say that the picture was ©of me; if Phillp inferred as much, it surely arasn't my fault. ‘It seemed, however, that he daid not any deterrent, as he sent a reply & quick delivery stamp, agreeing with fully and enclosing the portrait of the ugliest man I ever saw. I took it to r in horror. “Really, mother,” I ‘there is no use waiting any longer. Mlmply cannot marry a man who looks like that, no matter how many golden hearts he may have. You must write and break off the match definitely But mother hesitated. “There's no use in ) belng In a hurry, Besste,' she sald. *The ) property must remain as it s until the three years are up, anyhow. So don't be ECONOMICAL HOUSEKEEPERS USE WalterBakers Cocoa and Chocolate Because they yield THE MOST ‘and BEST FOR THE MONEY -1 | The Finest Cocoa in the World Costs less than One Cent a Cup Ty of daloy s from ous Cocon and Chotointn Walter Baker & Co. Ltd. P — DOUCHESTER, MASS, ‘o ll.‘!ll'. |at thelr full value, and Philip, truth to jand truly In love—I was sure of it—yet he precipitate. You aren't in love with any- one else, are you?" “Certainly not,” I answered, truthfully. ““Then let things rest for awhile’ 1 yielded, of course, and possessed my ®oul in patience for another year. Then, @8 June drew near once more, 1 chanced to see in the paper one day an account of an accident to a namesaks of mine, by which her face was badly scarred. This wasn't at all surprising, of course, as there | are plenty named Bessie Willlams in the world, but it put an idea Into my head. 1 clipped it out and enclosed it to Cousin Philip, asking for a fresh postponement of our meeting time. I didn't that the | accident had happemed to me but of course the Inference was plain enough. However, it turned out that I needn't have | fibbed, for scarcely had 1 dropped my mis- sive in the mall when I received a letter from Philip, written the day before mine, telling me that he had been ill with small- pox. He added that it was hoped that he would not be much scarred, but that he was still weak and would be glad to post- pone our meeting for another year. I could imagine his appearance after having a cholce assortment of pockmarks added to his aiready horribly ugly features—for ot course I understood what his optimistic remark about not belng much scarred must mean. 8o I lost no time in writing again and gladly accepting the proposed delay. But finally the last June of all drew near ~the June when we must meet and decide to marry or loss both income and prineipal of $600,000. Mother and I would be sadly pinched without this money, and I couldn't help letting my thoughts wander to my distant cousin nor refrain from wondering whether he might be possible after ail to— 1 ended by writing to ask him Whether there was not some way in which we might arrange to divide the money and cheat the friendiess cats, without having to take each other for better or worse. In reply Cousin Philiy wrote that he was sorry to say that he could ses none. “I appreciate your feelings pertectly,” he con- cluded, “at being obliged to marry some- body you never saw. I feel the same my- self, though, of courss, in & less degree, being & man. But I don't want to give up this money any more than I suppose you do. Why not let us meet, without preju- dice, as the lawyers say? It's just possible that we might fall desperataly in love with each other at first sight. In that event, everything would be all right. If we don't, there will be no harm done, and anyway, it we decline to become lovers, we may &t least become friends.” There was something cold-bloodsd about this, but there was something sensible about it, too. The more I thought of it, the more I liked the idea. Bo at last I wrots that I should spend June &t the place designated in the will and should hope to meet him there. But as the time drew near I could mot make up my mind to g0 to be inspected like an animal for sale. Finally, when just about to throw up the whole thing, & bril- lant idea struck me—at least, I considered it brilllant then. I would take my friend Nell Jones along with me and would change Identies with her. She should be Bessie Willlams and I Nell Jones. Then, it I found Phillp impossidble, I could easily get away. Bo did L We went to the springs, and as mother wrote her name and mine and Nell's on the register, we saw the names of Phillp Stacy and Frank Thomas, both of Bt. Louls, written just above them in the handwriting I had grown to known #0 well. “Philip's got & friend with him, t00,” sald mother, meditatively. “You both evidently need some one to bhelp you through.* ‘We met, of course, almost at once, and, strange to say, we all became very chum- my, Nell was always ready for fun and I feellng entirely at eass in my assumed character, could afford to be as jolly as any ome. B0, In spite of the fact that Cousin Phillp was undoubtedly the ugliest man living, #ot on famously together for two weeks Ot course, we soon paired of. Philip had to be especially nice to Nell-whom he supposed to be me—and Nell, acting for me, had to be specially nice to Philip. This left me—the real me—to Philip's friend, & big, broad, six-footer, as hand- some as poor Philip was ugly. As 1 sald, for two weeks we got on famously, Then the strained. The fact was—I can confess it now—Cupld began shooting blindly and hit everyone of us. I had found that Phillp's heart was really golden, but, all the same, I couldn’t quite make up my mind to his other quallties. Besides I found my fancy straying eltogether too persistent to his triend, Frank Thomas. Nell, on the other hand, seemed to appreciate golden hearts tell, seemed mightlly taken with her, Under the circumstances, however, she could mot but feel certain that he was thinking more of Uncle Jim's fortune than he was of the real Nell, and, of course, she didn't want to be courted under false pretenses. Philip, too, was acting In the strangest way. He was in love with Nell, really stemed to hesitate to let her know it Actually, the man would join me when I knew he was longing to join Nell 1 hoped that he could understand his own reasons for feeling this way; I'm sure I couldn’t. Anyway, he and Nell managed to make each other tolerably miserable, each anxious to go forward, but hanging back. Mr. Thomas also seemed miserable. He would look from Nell to me, and from me to Nell in the most desperate way, entirely inexplicable by any knowledge in my Ppos. session. I belleved that he was fond of me, but every now and then he would seem to feel it his duty to make desperate love to Nell, who finally made up her mind that it was her duty to meet him haif Way and leave the fleld free for me with Philip. Oh! we made ourselves sufficlently miser- able for a week or so that June. At last, Mr, Thomas brought things to a crisis. One day he turned @esperately on me. “Miss Jones,” he sald, resolutely, *I am a poor man—dead poor—but I love you with all my heart. Will you be my wife?" For a moment my breath was taken ut- terly away. Then 1 turned on him, saying £90d-by 10 Uncle Jim's fortune as I did so. “Mr. Thomas,” I repled, In much the same tones as his, “I am a poor girl—dead poor— but I will." The printer can put in & row of stars here, for I intend to draw a vell over the events that followed next. It's easier to do this anyway, for I never could tell a situation became | love story properly. After & while, we went back to the hotel to join the others, and found them just starting to find us. Both of them looked utierly woe-begone, in marked contrast to our happy faces— although 1 was a little disturbed over the necesaity of 'fessing up. “Nell made this easy for me, however. She always was sharp-eyed, and she Suessed how things stood In & moment. “Why, Bessle,” she cried, excitedly, call- ing me by my real name instead of my assumed one, 30 you mean—"* I do, Nell, you dear, you. I have— chimed in Frank. “Congratulate me, old man, I've won the sweetest—hang the fortune.” Then Philip became tremendously exclted all of a sudden. * " be pried, “T'm tree o - v THE OMAHA DAhY BEE: SATURDAY, OCTOBER 1 GRAND INTRODUGTORY SALE! BARRIOGS DIAMONDS The finest imitation on earth. The nearest approach to genuine diamonds ever discovered. They have all the fire, flash, sparkle and brilliancy of old mine gems and stand all the tests of acids, heat, alkali, etc. victimized and jewelers fooled. Barrios Diamonds positively defy detection. COME SEE HOW THEY SPARKLE. Our Uuarantee any charitable institution if it can be shown that we ever refuse to replace a stone that does not give satisfaction. In fact, they can be washed and cleaned like ordinary diamonds. Do not confound Barrios Diamonds with Rhinestones, Bolivia, Moatana, Alaska, La Perla, Transvaal, Sumatra, or, in fact, any other imitation diamonds, no matter what the name may be. Barrios Diamonds are the only stones which will positively retain their brilliancy All other imitations are made of chemicals, che:E glass or paste. arrios Diamonds bave never before been sold in your city. Any one who may have sold you imitation diamonds as Barrios has grossly deceived and cheated you. INTRODUCTORY SALE COMMENCES TO-DAY. The most magnificent and beautiful collection of imitation precious stones ever shown in this city. Rings, Brooches, Pend- ants, Earrings, Scarfpins, Cuff Buttons and Locket the equal in appearance of pieces that cost from $25.00 to $175.00. At this Special Sale—$1.50 to $4.50. You must see and examine these beag- tiful jewels to npgrecine their magnificence and splendor. 3uiaite beau iamond. very stone has all the ex- and brilliancy of a genuine e mountings are heavy gold filled, carefully finished, and exact copies of original pieces worth hundreds of dol- Every stone warranted to retain its brilliancy forever. Barrios Diamonds Defy Detection. Examine thesc stones carefully; th lars. are accurately cut and perfectl polishe Every stone guaranteed to be indestructible and to retain its beauty and brilliancy for- You cannot tell them from the genuine. ever, “Of course, *“Then, Mi turning on Nell. “I have deceived you. I am not Phillp Btacy at all; 1 am really Frank Thomas, and Thomas there is the real Stacy; but I love you with all my heart; will you marry me?" As I said, Nell was quick-witted. Her face lit up with a glorified smile. “And I am not Bessle Willlams, elther,” ghe cried. “I am really Neil Jones; there is the real Bessie; and I will marry you with all my heart.” Frank and I looked at each other—no, T mean the real Phillp and I looked at each Why!" I gasped, in a low tone that the real Frank could not hear; “why, you can't be Phillp Stacy. Uncle Jim told me he was hideous." Philip started. “Uncle Jim!™ he ecried. ‘Why, it was he who told me that you were homely as a mud fence—with a heart of gold, but~*" For a moment we stared at each other, Then almost together we ejaculated, dis- gustedly: “Sold.” i Wi other 0t 10k ety I telegraphed the news to our lawyer and recelved the following reply: “Dear Miss Williams: I congratulate you and Mr. Stacy on your engagement, which I do not doubt was entirely a matter of true affection. Before anything becomes irrevocable, however, I feel it my duty to tell you a secret that has been carefully kept from you all these years. Your Uncle Jim's will contained a codicil referring to a certain sealed paper which he provided was 10 be opened at the end of three years. The court, however, refused to permit so m- portant a document to remain sealed and it was opened forthwith and spread upon the cords, where you or anyone else could have seen it at any time if you had cared to look. It changes the will as you know it in one respect only. It throws out the friendless cats and divides the fortune equally between you and your cousin at the end of three years whether you marry or not. I feit it my duty to remain silent all this time, but now I must speak out “Yours very truly, HENRY MASBON.* When I read this I knew at last what I had never been able to understand before— how Unele Jim could have been willing to risk disinheriting his own kin as he would have done under the first version of the will if Philip and I hada't found our afnities o each othem ny - | 1 wintame—sessie-ne eios,| FAMILY PROBLEM IN ARMY Philippine Bervioe & Serious Proposition for Married Officera MUCH MOVING ABOUT SINCE THE WAR Objections to Taking Wives and Chil- dren to the Orient and Al Leaving Them at Home—Baby Trip Around the World. Traveling to the Philippines has now be- come quite a part of the life of an army officer. Under the present plan of giving a regiment two years In the archipelago and four years in the States, the average officer will make about seven trips to the Philippines in the course of an army career, between graduation at West Point and retirement on reaching the age of 64 This stage in our Insular policy has not found the place In contemporary records that its importance warrants. Thus the deck of every transport furnishes a ploture of uprooting. There are baby carriages and nurses, nursing bottles and dolls in abundance. One little fellow, 20 months old, who went out on a recent trip of Sheridan, first saw the light in Jolo, where a whits baby proved a great curlosity. He went back to the land of his fathers by the Sues route. and mow, still short of the age of 2, is completing his tour of the globe. The little lad is destined to make these trips back and forth many times with the fortunes of the army. It is the same with other children of the service. £hall the officers leave their families at home for the period of Philippine service, as the navy people are obliged to do when they go away from home, or shall their families share the hardships and adven- tures of the journey? The domestic prob- lem which this question raises is often serious. Better Of at Home. “T hear men say,” wrote back an experi- enced Philippine campaigner of middle life to friends in the city, “that they think too much of their families to leave them at T sl |home I destre to sey tiai & think too much of my family to bring them with Sometimes a family gets out thers to find its head assigred to so disagreeable & place that the wife and children have to be left to exist by themselves in Manila, and there it Is often about as hard to reach | them as if they were In the States. It any- thihg happens to an officer his family is 10,00 mlles from home and home consola- tions. Houses are scarce in Manila. Every- thing that civilized people want Is high. Some men say they cannot afford to leave their families at home, thus dividing their salary between two establishments; but the officer already quoted wrote that he could not afford to take his family with him. The women on board a transport discuss little else, according to reports, than the prospects of life in the Philippines. One of the stock conundrums of the transports is this. “Which looks better: Manila over the stern, or San Francisco over the bow?"” There is a kind of fatalism inbred in army service, and this in & measure per- vades wives and families as expressed in the saying,” “We like to go wherever we * but back and behind all this the human element comes into view, on close scquaintance, with its fondness for the tatherland. There are as many answers to the do- mestic question which each order to the Philippines invoives as . there are family conditions. The small baby unually holds the family back in the BStates. Manila offers only condensed milk. School age children prove another strong argument for having the family home retained in America. Some wives, how- ever, go out with their husbands, intending to return & little earlier than the men are able, while many officers who now go out alone expect thelr families to join them About. The regular army officer iearns to lve and to Jke to live, In places that the gen- erality of people of similar culture would not consider desirable. His life at home is & preparation for Philippine experiences such as few Americans ever get. Some officers boast of furniture and per- sonal effects stored in nearly every army post from the Missourt river to the Presidio, snd goon this western Mmit will be ex~ tended to the 2th meridian east of Green- wich. _ Thelr heavier woolens need protectfon against enemies in such a range of temperature more versatile.than the tamiliar moth miller of the Atlantic coast. | Moving becomes the regular experience | of the army family, and its children need | little achool-book instruction in geography, political or physical. Before the Spanish | war the terms of service at different posts | were relatively long, but the changes of the last few years have been rapid and up- setting. “We have lived, in the last three years, in as many posts,” is the mournful com- | ment of the army wife, as she relates the successive changes which the vicissitudes of the service have brought to pass, Prudent husbands tell of the enormous | cost of moving, and the inadequacy of the government's allowance in mileage and frolght. Officers of the regiment which was foned for fourteen years at Van- couver barracks, before the Spanish war, relate that they have lived 1p five places since thelr return from the Philippines, |two and a half years ago. Benjamin Franklin sald that three moves were as bad as & fire—New York Sun. 'PHONE GIRLS CATCHING ON Surprise Their Callers by Gradoally Drifting from “Ou “Naught.” The telephone girl is progressive. For years and years in repeating a number which had a zero included she would al- ways call it “ought.” For instamee, If a subscriber called for “twenty-four thirty," ths telephone girl would repeat “Two-four- three-ought.” When some subscriber had a little feeling of compassion for the king's English, which was being so cruelly mur- dered right before his ears, would gently object and say, “Two-four-three-naught,” the girl would again repeat, “ought.” and tell the subscriber to “look in the diction- ary.” But the world moves. The “naught” is commencing to be realized in the most exclusive telephone circles. It could not be expected that the telephone girl would surrender all at once. She has fought that “ought” too Jong to drop it immediately, and thus confess that she has been wrong. Bo, while she dropped the “ought” she bas taken up “o’ lustead. Bo now she re- So real are these stones that experts have been deceived, pawnbrokers — We guarantee each and every stone to retain its brilliancy forever and the mountings to give perfect satisfaction. We will give $10,000.00 to peats 2430 in this manner, “two-four-thrée- [ It is & splendid victory for English un- defiled. Optimists can now see dawning that glad day when the telephone girl will say “naught” right out.loud.—Detroit Free Press. Found a Cure for Indigestion. I use Chamberlaln's Stomach and Liver Tablets for indigestion and find that they sult my case better than any dyspepsia | remedy I have ever tried and I have used many Qifferent remedies. I am nearly 6l years of age and have suffered a great deal from indigestion. I can eat almost any- thing I want to now.—George W. Emory, Rock Mills, Ala. tence Sermeo: Lies never walk alone. Toll is & foll against temptation, Bervice is the secret of sovereignty, Heaven draws more than hell can drive Bin 15 like seed, to cover it 18 to culty vate it. Yol cannot separate sin’s bait from its hook The cross of Christ does not make the cross Christian. - A men's work is the only thing that makes him of worth. The pig-headed man is most Ukely to yun with the herd. The devil is not losing any sleep over watch-charm plety. ' The love of &ll can be learned only from the Lord of all It is bard to fight the tempter f you are feeding at his table. It is better to keep the Sabbath bright then to keep it rusty Business depends more on keeping faith than on keeping books.—Chicago Tribune Killing Frost in Kansas. CLAY CENTER, K‘ll.rA""Ov.r 16 —The first el killing frost this fall n_Cl, last night. Corn was out of d.n:zr.wmflv e S ey Not Hungry when you should be means disordered nerves, whick will lead to nervous pros- tration. Dr. Miles' Nervine is guaran-