Omaha Daily Bee Newspaper, January 3, 1892, Page 12

IN THE CAPAGIT OF A 001 BY MARK TWAIN. [Copyrighted by a3, TIME would come when we R L must go from (@M Biines by %, from thence, by u series of & “0%, day-long and tangled jour- Sl neys, to Bayreuth in Bo- “ P varia. 1 should have to 7’ have a courier, of course, to take caro of so considerable @ party as mine, But I procrastinated, The time slinped along, and at last I woke up one day to the fact that we wors ready to move and had no courier. 1 then resolved upon what I felt was a foolhardy thing, but I was in the humor of it. Isard I would make tho first stage with- out help—and 1 aid it. 1 brought the party from Aix to Geneva for myself -four people. The distance was two hours and more, and there was one change of cars, Thove was not an accident ot any kind, excopt loaving a valise and some other matters ou the platform, a thing which can bardly b> called an aceident, it is so common. So I offerad to conduct the party all the way to Bayreuth. . This was a blunder, though it did not seem 80 at tho time. There was moro dotail than 1 thought there would be: 1. Two parsons whom we had left in a Genevan pensiou soine weeks before, must, be collected und brought to the hotel; 2. I must notify the people on the Grand Quay who store trunks to bring seven of our stored trunks to the. hotel and oarry back seven which they would tind pilod in the lobby; 3. I must find out what part of Europe Bayreuth was in, and buy seven rail- way tickets for that pomnt; 4. I must send a telegram to a friend in the Netherlands It was now 2 o'clock in theafternoon, and we must look sharp and be ready for the first night train and make sure of sleeping-car tickets; 6. I must draw money at the bank. It seerued to mo that the sieeping-car tick- ots wust bo the most important thing, so 1 went to the station myself to make sure; hotel messengers are not always brisk people. It was a hot day, and I ought to have driven, but it seemed better economy to walk. Itaid not turn out 50, because I lost my way ana trebled the distance. I applied for the tick- ets, and they asked me which rovte 1 wanted 10 go by, and that embarrassed me and made me 10sé mv head, there were so many peoblo standing around, and I rot knowing about the routes and not 'supposing thero were going o be two; so I judged it best to go back and map out the road and come again. 1 took a cub this time, but on my way up- stairs at tho hotel I rememberad that I was out of cigars, so L thought it would be well 0 got some while the matter was in my mind. It was ouly around the corner and 1 didn’t need the cab. I asked the cabman to waitwhere he was. Thinking of the telegram and trying to word it in my head, [ forgot the I can’t leave you sleeping here all day." cigars and the cab and walked on indefin- itely. 1Iwas goingto have tho hotel people send tho telegram. but us I could not be far from tiic postoftice by this time, I thought I would do it myself, But it was' further thau Ihad supposed. 1 found the place av_last and wrote the telegram and handed it in. ‘The clerk was a sovere looking, fidgety man, and he began to fire French questions at me in sucha liguid form that I could not detect the jomnts between his words and this made me lose wy head again. Butan Eng- lishman steppod up and said the clerk wanted! 10 know where he was to send the telegram. Icould not tell him becauso it was not my telegram, and I explained that T was merely sending it for a member of my party. But nothing would pacify the clerk but the ad- dress; sol said if he was so particular I would go back and get it. However, I thought I would go and collect those lacking two persons first, for it would be best to do everything systematically end and in order, aud one detail at a time. Then I remembered the cab was eating up my sub- tance down at the hotel yonder; so I called another cab, and told thd man 'to go down and fetch 1t to the postoffice and wait till 1 came. * I had a long hot walk to collect those people, and when I got thero they couldn’t come with mo because they had heavy satchels and must have a cab, I went away to find one, but before I ran aoross any I no- ticea that | had roached the neighborhood of the Grand Quay—at least I thought I had— 80 [ judged [ could save time by stepping around and arranging about the trunks, 1 epped around apout a wmile, and aithough I did not find the Grand Quay, 1 found a cigar th) and remembered about the cigars. I id I was going to Bayreuth, and wantad onough for the journey. ~ The man asked mo which route [ was going to take. Isaid I did nov kuow. He said he would recommend me to #o by Zurich and various other places which he named, and offered to soll mo seven second-cluss vhrough tickets for $22 apiece, which would be throwing off the discount which the railroads allowed him. I was al- ready tired of riding second-class on first- class tickets, 50 I took him up. By and by I found Natural & Co.’s storage office, and told thom to send seven of our trunks to the hotel and pile them up in the lobby. It ssemed to mo that I was not deliy- ering the whole of the message, still it was all I could find in my head. Noxt I found the bank and asked for some monoy, but I had left my letter of creait somewhere and was not able to draw, I re- mombered now that I must have left it lying on the tablo where I wrote my telegram; so Igot u cab und drove to the postoffice and went up stairs, and they saia that a letter of credit hud indeed boen loft on the table, but that it was now in the hands of the police suthorities and it would be necessary for me to go there and prove property. They sent a boy with me and we went out the back way and walked a couple of miles and found the place; and then 1 remembered about my cabs snd asked the boy to send them to me when he got back to the vostoffce. It was night- fall now and the wayor had gone to dinder. I thought 1 would go to dinner myself, but the officer on duty thought differently and I stayed. Tho mayor dropped in at half past ut saul it was too late to do anything to- night—come &t 9:80 in the morning. The officer wanted to keep me all night and said Iwssn uuulncmu- looking person and prob- ably did not own the lotter of creditand didn't know what a letter of credit was, but merely saw the real owner leave it lying on the table and wanted to get it because I was croblbl_\' person who would want anything o could get, whether it was valuable or not. But the mayor sala he saw uothing sus- rlnlolll about me and that I'seemed & harm- 088 porson and nothing the matter with me bat a wandering wind, and not much of that, 8o I thanked him and ' be set me free, and I went home in my three cabs. As I was dog-tired and in no condition to answer questions with discretion, I thought L would not disturd tho expedition at thau time of night, as there was a vacant room I knew of at ' the other end of the hall, but I did not quite arrive there, as & watch bad been et, the expedition being anxious about | me. I \was piaced in a galling situation, The oxpedition sat stiff and forbidding on Tour chairs in & row, with shawls and things | alt on, satchels and guide-books in lap. Aix-les- | to Geneva, ana ! the Author 1891,] They had boon sitting like that for four hours, and the glass golng down all tuo time, Yeos, and thoy wero walting ~waiting for me. It seomed to mo that nothing but a sudden, happily contrived and brilliact tour do force could “break this fron front and make a diyersion in my favor; so I shied my hal into tho arena, ang followed it with a skip snd a jump, shouting blithely **Ha, ha, here we are, Mr, Merryma Nothing 7 or stiller than the abseuce of applause which followed. But I kept on; thers sesmed no other way, though my confidence, paor enourh before, had got a deadly check and was in cffect gove, I tried to be jocund out of & heavy h I tried to touch the other hearts the soften the bitter rosentment in those faces by throwing off bright and airy fun and making of the whole guastly thing o jo ously humorous incident, but this ide not well conceived. [t was not the atmosphere forit. 1 got not e smile; not one line in those offended faces reluxed. [ thawed nothing of the winter that looked out of those frosty eves. 1 started one mor breezy, poor effort, but the head of the expe dition cut into the center of it and said “Where have you veen ! I saw by the manner of this, that was to get down to cold business now. So | begun my travels, but was out short again ““Whero are the two others! We have be in frightful anxiety about vhem." )b, they're. all ricut. | was to I will go straight off, and - “Sit down! Don't you know It is 11 o'clock? Whera did you leavo them?” At the pension.’ Vhy didn’t you bring them?" “Becauso we couldu't carry the satchels And so I thought —" “Thought! "You should not try to think One canuot, think, without the proper ma chinery. Itis two milos to that pension. Did you o there without a cab?" - well, 1 didn’t intend to, it only hap- pened 30" “How did It huppen so?" “Bocause I was at the post ofice and I remombered that I had left a cab waiting here, and so to stop that cxpense I sent an- other cab to—to—"" “To what " ““Well, I don’t remember now, but I think the new cab was to have the Lotel pay the old cab, and send it away." **What good would that do?" “What good would it do! It would stop the expense, wouldn't it!" “By putting the new cab in 1ts place to continue the expenso?” I didu’t say anything. “Why didn’t you have the new cab come back for you?"” “'Oh, that 1s what I did. Yes, that is what I did. that when 1" -‘W’on, then, why didn’t it come back for you? **To the post office! Why, it did.”” Very well, then, how did vou come to walk to the pension “I—I don't quite romember how that hap- pened. Oh, yes, I do remember, now. ! wrote the dispatch to send t the Nether- lands, and—" “Oh, thank goodness, you did accomplish something! I wouldn't have had you fail to send—what makes you look like that! You are trying to avoid my eyes, ‘Chat dispa'ch is the most importunt thing that—vou haven't sent that disoatch ! “1 haven't said I dida’t sond iv.” “You don't need to. Ob, dear, T wouldn’t have had that telegrain fail for anything. Why didn’t you send it “Well, you see, with tings to do and thinlk of, I—they’re very particular there, and after I had written the telegram —" “Oh, never mind, let it go; explanations can’t help the matier now-—-what witi ho think of us?” +Oh, thav's all vigh think we gave the tele ple, and that the; +Why, certain the iden fetch a cab, I remembor now. Because [ recollect thav's all vieht, ho'll am to the hotel peo- Why didu’t you do that ! r rational way."” *Yes, I know, but then I had it on my mind that I must be'sure und get to the bank and draw some money—-"" “Well, you are entitled to some credit, after all,” for thinking of that, and I dou’t wish to be too hard on you, though you must acknowiedge yourseli that you have cost us all a good deal of trouble, ana some of it not necessary. Flow much did you draw (" “Waell, [—I bad an idea that—that—-"" *“Chat what " “That—well, it seems to me that in the circumstances—so maay of us, you kuow, und-—and—" “What are you mooning about! Do tura you face this way and let me—Why, you haven’t drawn any money !’ *Well, the banker said—" ‘Never mind what the banker said. You must have had a reason of vour own. Notu reason, exactly, but somathing which—" “Well, then, the simple fact was, that I badu't my letter of credit.” “Hadn’t your letter of credit (" “Jain't my letter of credit.” “Don’t repeat me like that. it ‘At the postoftice.” “\hat was 1t doing there?"” “Well, 1 forgot it and left 1t there.” “Upon my word, I've seen a good many couriers, but of all the couriers thatever I “['ve done the best I could.” “Well, so yon bave, poor thing, and I'm wrong to abuse you 50 whsn you've been working yourself to death while, we've been sitting hero only thinking of our vexations Where was instead of feeling grateful for what you were trying to do for It will all come out right. We can take the 7:30 train in the morniug just as well. You've bought the tickets?” “I have—and 1Us a bargain, too. ond class.” “I'm glad of it Everybody else travels second class, and we might just as well save that ruinous extra charge. What did you ¢in “I'wenty-two dollars apiece—through to Bayreuth, “Why, 1 didn’t know you could buy through tickets anywhere but in London and Paris.” “Some people can't, maybe; but some peo- plo can—of whom [ am one of which, it ap- pears.” 1t seoms @ rather high prico.” “On the contrary. The dealer knocked oft commission.” Jeuler?" “Yos—I bought them at a clgar shop.” ‘“Ihat reminds mo. We shail have to got up pretty early, so that thereshould boe no packing to #o. Your umbrolla, your rubbers your cigars—what is the matter (" “Hang 1t, D've left tho clgars at bank." “Just think of it! STl have that hurw." “What do you mean by thati" “Oh, that's all right; D'll take care of —'" “‘Where is that umbrellat’ “It's just the merest step--it won't take me—" “Whero is it1" wWell, I think I left it at the cigar shop; but anyway—"" “I'ake your feet from outunder that thing. It's just as I expected! Wheroare your rubbers!" “They—well—" “It's” got 80 dry mnow-—well, every- body says there's not golug to be another drop of—"" +Where—aroe—your—rubbers " “Well, you see—well, it was this way. First, the officer sald "' “‘What ofticer ' ‘Police officer; but the mayor, he—" ‘What mayor " ; but I said—" ‘Mayor of Geneva; *Wait, What is the matter with yov ¢ ““Who, me! Nothing. 'They both tried to versuade me to stay, and—" “Stay whero " “Well—the fact is—" ““Where have you been? out till 10:30 at night (" L9+ you seo, after Ilost my ltter of credit the the Well, your umbrellai” all right. There's no What's kept you You are beating around the bush a good deal. Now answer the question in just ons straightforward word, Where are those rub- bers 1" “Ihoy—well; they're iu the county jail.” 1 started » placating smile, but it petrified. THE DAITLY The climate was unsuitablo. Spending threo or four hours in jail did not ssem to the ex podition humorous. Neither did it to me, at ottom, 1 had to uxplain the whole thing, and of course it camo ont then that we couldn't tako the enrly train, becauso that would leave my lotier of credit' in hook still. 1t did lovk as (f wo had all got to go to bed estrangod and un- happy, bul by good luck that was provented. Thers happoued to be mention of the trunks, and I was ublo to say I had attended to thai featuro. ““Theve, you are just as good and thought fuland painstaking and intelligentas you can bo, and 1t's a shame to find so much fault with you, and there shan't be another word ofit.” You've done beautifully, admirably, and I'm sorry 1 ever said one ungrateful word to you."" This hit deopor than somo of the other things and mude me urcomfortable, becanse I wasn't feeling as solid about that trunk errand as I wanted to. Thera seemed somo- bow to be a defect about it somowhers, though I couldn't put my finger on it, and didn't like to stir the mattor just now, it being late, and maybo well enough to et well onongh alone, Of course there was music fu the morning when 1t was found that we couldu’t leave by tho carly train. But 1 had no time to wa 1zt only the ovening bars of the overture, mul‘lh 0 started out to get my letter of orad It scemed a good time to look fnto the trunk business, and rectify it if it noeded it, aud I bad a suspicion that it did. T was too late. The cone trunks to Zuvich OMAHA the evening belore. 1 asked him how he coutd do that without ex- | hibiting pussage tickets. ssavy in Switzerland, You piy ks ‘and send them whero vou othing goes free but your hand “How much did you pay on them." A hundred and forty francs. “Tywenty-eight thing wrong about There's some- trunk business dollars, that xt L met the portier. He said *“You have not slept well, 18 it not! You the worn look, If you would like o courier. a guod one has avrived | and is not encaged for five the name of Ludn Wo THE OF dass beiss, the Grande Hotel Bean Rivage recommends him, L dechned with coolness, uot broken yet. Aud I did not like hiving my conditior notico of this way. 1 was at the county jai o o'clock, hoping that the mayor might chance to come before his reguiar hour; but he dianw't. It was dull there. Everv timo [ offeved to Louch an thing, or look at anything, or do anythin rvofrain from doing anything, the polic suid it was “‘defendee,” 1 thought [ practice my IPee bave that, either. Itseemed to make hun particularly bitter to hear his own tongue, Tue mayot came at last, and then therve was no trouble: for the miaute he had con- veued the suprenie couri—which thoy nlways do whenever there is valuable property dispute--and got overything in ship- and sentries posted, and had prayer by chaplain, my unsealed letter was brousght and opened, and there wasn’s anything in 1t but some protographs; because, as I remern- bered now, I had taken out the letter of credit so as to make room for the graphs, and had put the i pociet, which I proved to fabtion by fetching it out. and show- ing it with u good deal of oxulta- tion. So then tho court looked at each other in a vacant kind of way, and then at we, and then at each other again,and finally let mo go, buc said it was imprudent for mo to be at lavee, and asked me what my profession was. [said 1 was a couriar. They lifted up their eves in a kind of veverent w and said, “Da lieber Gott!” and I said a word of courteous thanks for their appavent ad- miration and hurried off to the bank. However, being a courier was alr making me a great stickler for order and tem and one thing at a time and each thing m its own proper turn: so I passed by tho bank und branchod oft and started for the two lucking members of the expedition. A cab lazied by, and 1 took it upon persuasion, 1 cained no speed Dby this, but it was a re- posetul turnout and I liked reposefulness. The week-long jubilations over the (00th unniversary of the birth of Swiss liberty and the signing of the compact was at flood-tide, and all the stroets were clothed in fluttering flags, ‘The horsa and the driver had been drunk three days avd nights, sud bad koown no stall nor bed weantime, hey looked as 1 felt—dreamy and seedv, But we arrived in the course of time. [ went in and rang, and asked a housemaia to rush out the lacking members. She sala something which I did not understand,and I returned to the chariot. The girl hud probably told me that those people did not belong on ber floor, and that 1t would be judicious for me to go higher and ring from floor to floor till 1 found them; for in those Swiss flats there does not seem to be eny way to find the right family but to be patient aud guess year way along up. I calculated that I must wait fifteen minutes, there being three details inseparable from an oocasion of this sovi: 1, put on hats and come down and climb in; 2 return of one to get ‘'my other glove;"' 3, prasentiy, roturn of the other one to fetch, “my French Verbs at a Glance.”” T would muse during the fiftoen minutes and take it easy. A very still and blank interval ensued, and then 1 felt a hand on my shoulder and start- od. The intruder was a policoman. [ glanced ypana perceived that there was new scenery. There was a good deal of a crowd, and they had that pleased and interested look which such a crowd wears when they see that some- body is out of luck. The horse was asleen and'so was the ariver, and some boys had hung them and me full of gaudy decorations stolen from the innumerable baaner poles. 1t mas scandalous spectacle. The oficer sala; “T'm sorry, but we can't have you sleeping hero all day.” T was wounded ana said with dignity: I beg your pardon, I was ot slesping, I was thinking,” “‘Well, you can think if you want to, but you've got to think to yourself; you disturb the whole neighborhuod.” It was & poor joko, but it made the crowd laugh. Isnore at night, sometimes, but it is uwot likely that 1 would do such a thing in the daytime and in sych a place. Tho officer un- decorated us and seemed sorry for our friend- lessness and really tried to be humane, but ho said we mustn’t stop there any longer or he would bave to charge us rent—it was the law he said, and he went on to say in a soclable way that I was looking pretty mouldy. and he wished he knew 1 suit bim off pretly austerely and said I hoped oue might celebrate a little, these ay BEE: we said he had shipped the | T r = JANUARY 3, NDAY, days, especially when one was personally concerned. ) “l‘nrannnlly?"'}m askol. “How!" “'Because 600 ytfars ago an ancestor of mine elgned the comfitt." Heo reflocted & _Mmoment, then look me over and said : 4 Ancestor! (s my opinfon yeu signed it yourself. For bt all the old anclent rolica that over [-but' never mind about that What is it yoii are wuiting here for so long 1 said: “I'm not waitffig hore so long at all. I'm walting fifteen: minuies till they forget a glove and a book And go back and get thom. " Then I told kim Who they were that I had come for. . He was very obliging and began to shout inquirfes to the tiers of heads and shoulders projecting from the windows above us, Then & WOmMN away Up there sang out: “0n, thoy! Why, I got them a oaband they left here long ago—half past 8 I shoutd say, Tt was annoying. but didn’t say anything It 18 a quarter of 12, yon ses. Yuu should have luquired bettér. You have been asleap three-quarters of an hour and in such asun as this, You ure baked —baked black. It is wonderful. And you will miss your train perhaps. You futorest me greatly. What Is your occupation ' Tsmd I was a courler, [t seemod to stun him, and beforo he could come to we were gone. Wher I ar 1 glanced at my watch, Tho officer suid ved in the third story of the hotel [ found our quarters vacant. | was not surprised. ‘The moment a courier takes his oveoff nis tribo they go shopping. The nearer it is to train timo tho surer they aro to go. 1 sat down to try to think out what I had best do next, but presently tho hall boy found me th nd said tho exvedition had goue to the station half an hour before, It was the Avst time 1 had known them (0 do a rutionul thing, ond it was very coofusing. Tuis is oue of tho things tbat make a cour- ier's 1ifo so dificult and uncertain. Just as matters are going the smoothest, bis people wl strike a lucid interval, and down go all his arrangements to wreck and run “I'lie train was to leavo at 12 noon sharp. It now ten minutes after twelve. I coula at tho station in ton minutes. [ saw I had 10UGHT My spirit was | up, aud we made our rush, ohon him, but he wouldu't, | | begg | was fly | times the best way. DIFFERENTLY, ightaing zutuing expr about getting away vertised aay. My peoplo were the only ones ming in the waiting room; everybod clsohud passea through and ‘“‘mounteéd the say in those regions. They > exbausted with nervousn nd frei, I comforted them and heartened them s, and on the continent the are pretty fastidious sometime during the ad- But no, we were out of luck again. The doorkeeper was not satisfled with the tick- ets, He examined them cautiously, de- liberately, suspiciously; then glared “at mo 4 while, aud after thut he called another of- ficial. The t:vo examined thoe tickets, and called another ofticial. These called othors, and the convention discussed and discussed, and pgesticulated and carried on, until I kat they would consider how time s, and just pass a fow resolutions and let us go. Thon they suid, very courte- ously, that there was a defect 1 the tickets, aud asked mo where I got them. Tjudged I saw what the trouble was, now. You see, I bad vought the tickets in a cigar shop, and of course the tobacco smeil was on them: without Goubt the thing they were up 1o was to work the tickets through the cus- tom house and collect duty on that smell. So vesolved to be perfectdy frank; it is some- Lsaid: ‘Gentlemen, 1 will not deceive you. Those ailway tickots—— TP 1892—SIXTEEN PAGES. way back T thought it all out and concluded to resign, bocause otherwise 1 should be neacly sure to bo discharged. But I didn't believe It would be a good idoa to resign in porson; I could do it by message. So I sent for Mr. Ludi and explained that there WAS @& courier going to resign on ac- count of incompatibility or fatigue orsomotbing, and as he had four or five vacant days, T would like to insert him into that vacancy, if he thought he could fill it When everything was arranged 1 got him to §O Up And say to the Expadition that owing to an error made by Mr. Natural's peoplo, wo wero out of trunks here, but would have plenty in Zurich, and wo'd better take the fiest irain, freight, gravel or construction, and move' right along. Ho attended to that and came down with an invitation to me to go up-—yes, certainly; and while we walked alon; to get monay, and collect cigars and tobacco, aud to the cigar shop to trade back the lot: tery tickets and get iny umbralia, and to Mr. Natural's to vay that cab and send it away and to the county jail to get my rubbers and leave p. .o, eards for the mayor and supreme court, ho described the weather to me that was provailing upon the upper lovels there with the Expedition, and 1 saw that | was doing very woil whore I w Lstayed out in the woods till 4 p, m. to let the weashor moderate, and then turned up at the station just fn time to take the i o'clock train for Zurich along with the Ex pedition, now In tho hants of Ludi, who con- ducted 1ts complex affairs with liftlo appar- ent effort or inconvenience, Well, T bnd worked like a slave while | was in office and done the very bost I know how yot all that these people dweit upon orseemed to care to remermber was tho defects of my administration, not its croditable fentures. They would skip over a thousand creditabie features to romark upon and reiterate and fuss about jnstone fact, till it seemed to me they would wear it out; and not much of a fact, either, taken by itself—the fact that [ elected myself courier in Geneva, and put in work enough to carry a civeus to Jerusalem and yet nover even got my gang out of the Teacher—Suppose each piece was cut again, what would result? mart Boy—Sixteenth Teacher—Correct. And if cut again? Boy—Thirty-seconds. Teacher—Correct. Now suppose we should cut each of the thirty-two pieces again, what would result? Little Girl—Hash. Little Brother—'You and sister an't mad at each other, is you?” Unsuccess- ful Suitor—"'Oh, no, not at all, not at *Do you stay away just becauso vouldn't marey you?” “Um-—partly, She didn’t absolutely refuse me, howeve “No, [ know. She said she wanted time,” *“Yes, that’s it. And I promised not to bother her until she v ready,” **Well, you won’t have more’n ten years to wait.” “‘Wha-—ten years?’’ “Yes. She’s 20 now, and she said she'd marry before she was 30 even if she had 1o take you. I'. Harpor’s B: “Grandpn,”said the irreverent college boy at the close of the Thanksgiving dinner, ‘*‘what's the differ- ence between you and the turkey we've just had? I don’t know. What?” aid the old gentleman innocently. It was a turkey stuffed with chestnut you a chestnut stuffed with turkey The collego boy and his little brother were the only ones to laugh. ““Are you protty well acquainted with your mothor tongue, my bo, asked the schooltencher of-the new scholar. *Yas sir,” answered the lad timidly, “‘ma jaws me o good deal, sir.” Irate Father—T'11 t . you raseal, you h you to lie and Bt town. I finall¥ said I did'nt wish to hearany more about the subje it mage me tired. And I told them te their faces that 1 would never be a courier again to save anybody’s life, Andf T live long enough I'll prove it. Itlink 1t's a difficult, bramn-racking, over- worked and thoroughly ungrateful oftice, and the main bulk of 1ts wagos is a sore heart and a braised spirit, Five Hundre1 %illion Dollars will bo spent at the *“World's fair.” Now is the time to secure a hotel, boarding houso or other business to make a fortune. Addross Jumes Pearce & Co., Tradors bldg., Chicago. BLOOMING BUDS. Little Muajo is by no means fond of going to church, suys the Youth’s Com- panion. She has to sit too still, and *‘the man™ talks about things she cannot yet understand. **Wha it for, mu ma? she asked one ¢ What do we | 2o to church for?” Mamma tried to tell | her the rensons, and concluded by say- | ing: “And, when you can't understand what the minister means, you must re- member he is talking about good and beautiful things; and you must make up your mind to_think of something good yourself.” That day Majorie was very quiet in church, and herdnother praised her for it on her way home. *‘I did just , a8 you told me, the wee maid, ** thought of something good.” was it, dearie?” *“*Apple pie.” x wx Teacher—If your mother should wish to give cach one an equal amount of meat, and theve should be eight in the family, how many pieces would she cut? Class—Eight. Teacher—Correct. Now each would be one-eighth of the whole. member that, —Yes'm, piece Re- Wagward Son (from the midst of the serimmage)—Don’t trouble-ouch! self, futher, [ know how ulready **y Handsome Young ‘Tutor—Now, Miss Ethel, we take up the verb “amo.” Ara you quite prapared to conjugate? Young Pupil—La, Mr. Primus, how— how sudden you are! el Little Boy (looking up ohimney)-~I suppose if God sonds the snow the devll sends the blacks, _Papn—So you have begun geography, Ethel; well, tell me what is the appear. ance of an fsland? Kthel—It looks like a duck in the water, Little girl (aged eight) on being told if she is 80 naughty her soul will bocoma black, replisd: *f supposo it goes into mourning.” Tolinny (who has overheard his par. ents' arguments over the Christmag | bills)—~Mamma, are conls very dear? Mamma-—Yos, dear, very, I am sorry to say. Johnny (hopefully, remembering past offences)—Thon, mamma, [ don’t seo how the devil can possibly afford to keep up hell! -~ o Heroine, Gwendolyn Fversleigh taid hor throlw bing brow against the pane ofan In- dianapolis window, says the Journal, She wis a believer in homeopath Pane vs pain. See? . The only support of an invalid mother, a periodically paralyzed father, twa aged grandparents and six little broth- ors ranging in nge from 12 to 88, she had battled bravely with the world until within a week before the time our story opens, when she had been hurled out of employment for having permitted the steak “to burn to a crisp wnile reading the opening chapter of Laura Jano Lib bey’s latest. And for four days the only sustenance of the family had been—hope. And mighty little of that, What was Xmas to her? A miserable, mocking mem ory. Suddenly she erect, her light. , “Why did T not think of it three days ago?" said she, as she fled toward her boudoi She appeared no more for three hours. Then she hastened out into the busy street and was swallowed up in the seothing vortex of happy humanity. Deep gloom huad settled upon the A Mod drew her lithe form violot eyes filled with a now TALK OF THE TODDILERS. Little Mabel, 3 years old, suddenly burst out crying at the dinner tabi *Why Mabel,” said her mother, “what’s the matter? “*Oh,” whined !Tabel, “my teeth trod on my tongue.” Tommy—Look out for _that Willie (from the city)—Why? going to blow her horn? It takes an extraordinary amount of self control for a proud father to forget itin public when his boy has said bright thing. Teacher—What males think, my boy, the world will come to an end? Johnny—Cause round. chool Teucher—Now, Bobby, if you | had six apples, and I gave voufive more, what would you hav fully)—1 sink I'd have a doctor. Gushing Young Friend--Which do you like to kiss the most, dolly or me? The Precious Child---Well, Dolly’s red cheeks don’t come off on my clean pina- fore like yours, so 1 s’pose I'd rather kiss dolly. Little Tot (tugging awayat her papa’s log)~Dimme dime, pava! Her Pap: Why, bless you' What for, child? Little Tot---I heard brovver George tell sister Tillie at he pulled you’leg for $5 last night. D'l do it for less 'n that. Puck. cow! Is she you never it’s ? Bobby (thought- | j vsleigh household; a dark and dis« mal gloom, broken only by the glonm of the teeth of the wolt grinning in the door. Suddenly Gwendolyn reappoeared upon this dismal seene; flushed and breath. less, but oh! so happy! “Saved! Saved!’ she cried, waving a roll of crisp, new bank notes—in all But how on earth—" her mother, wonderingly. “I wrotea story, mummer, dear. Just like the givls we used to read of in ‘I'he Ladies’ Budget of fashionable Fiction.’ And [ wrote it since supper time, too not since supper, because, come to think of it, we had none,” **This occasion seems to call for tho growler,” observed Eversleigh pore. “Growler!” echoed the huppy joyous disdain, as she tossed he a 3100 bill. “Make it a keg!™ ‘Wusn’t she a heroine? S Why Chamberlain's Cough Remedy is 8o Popular. Mr. L. G. Moore, the leading druggist at Point Areaa, Cal., says: *I have sold Cbam- berlain's Cough 'Remody for more than a year, and (ind it one of the very best sellers I ever kept in stock. But this is nov all; tha Remedy gives satisfaction to my customers, - It is especially liked for its soothing and ex pectorant qualities.”” 1t will looson and ro. iove a severe cold in less time than any other treatment. parent I AND T RONIZE HOME INDUSTRIES By Purchasing Goods Made at the F° lUowing Nebraska Factories. If you cannot find what you want, communicale with the manufacturers as to what dealers handle their goods. WM. GRANT & SONS, OMAHA AWNING AND TENT CO,, Flags, hammocks, oll and ubber clothing. Send mr} Onthjouce. NI Farpam. BREW. OMAHA BREWING A:SOCIATION Guaranteed to equal out. #ide brands. Vien Exvort bottlea beer delivered to famllles. FRED KRUG Bottled beer del privaie fawilies. Stroet J. L. WILKIE per boxos, malling 4 and wedding cake OMAHA BOX FACTORY Natled and Dovetailed boxes. pardon, w'sieur! These are not rail- v tickets,” 1 said, Ab, truly ves, mousieur. tery tickets, vos: and 1t 1s a lottery has been drawn Lwo yeurs ago. 1affected to be greatly smused; it is all one can do in such circumstances; it is all one an do, and is no value in it; it d calyes nobody, and you can see that eve body around pities you and 1s ashamed of you. Oneof the hardest situations in life, 1 think, is to bo full of grief anu a sense of defeat and shaboiness that way, aud yet haye to put_on an outside of archness and gaiety, while all the time you know that your own expedition, the tréasures of your heart, and whose love and veveronce you are by the custom of our ocivilization entitied to, are being consumed with bumilintion before strangers to see you earzing and getting a compassion which is a stigma, a brand—a brand wh you to be—ob, anything and eve which is futal to human respect. 1 said checrily, it was all right, just one of those little accidents that was likely to hap- pen to anybody—l would have the right uckets in two minutes, and we would catch the train yer, and moreover have something to laugh about all through tho journey. I did et the tickets in time, all stamped and com- plote, but then 1t turned out that I couldn’t take them, because in taking so much pains about the two missing members, I skipped the bank and hadu't the money. So then the train left, and thére didn’t scem to be an thing to do but go' back to the hotel, waich we did; but it Wvas kind of melancholy and not much said. I tried tostart a few sub- jects, like scenery and transubstantiation, and thoso sorts df things, but they didn't seom to hit the weuther right. Wo had lost out* good rooms, but we got some others which were pretly scattering but would answér!’ I judged things would brighten, now, but the Head of the Kxpedi- tion said send up the trunks. It made me feel pretty cold. 'There was adoubtful some- thing apout that trunk business. I was al- most sure of it. J was going to suggest— But a wave of 'the hand suficiently re- stramed me, and il was informed that we would now camp Yor three days and see if we could rest u; 1 said all r?;lhl, never mind ringing, [ would g0 down and atténd to the trunks myself. I ot & cab and went straight to Mr. Charles Katuirab's place and asked what ovder it was 1 had left there. “To send seven trunks to the hotel.” “‘And were you to oring any back ou are sure I didu't tell you to bring back seven that would be found piled 1n the lobby 1" bsolutely sure you didn't.” ‘““I'nen the whole fourteen are gone to Zurion or Jericho or somewhere, and there is golog to be more debris around that hotel when the expedition 1 didn’t finish, becauss my mind was et~ ting to be ina good deal of & wbirl, and when you are that way you think you have finished a sentence when you haven't, and you go mooriug and dreaming away, and the first thing you know you get run over by . uray or & cow or something. I left the cab there—4 forgot it—and on my s that the defect?”! These are lot- which Capacity 5,0 por day. Omaha. Tel. 4l J. J, WILKINSON, Clgar and Packing Boxes 110 Douglas-—Tel 780 BUILDERS. JNO. P. THOMAS Contenctor of brick,stone & all kinds masonry and * {mfe. bullding, sewer and siowalk brick. I 0. box 1685 BOILL R WILSON & DRAKE..! Tublar flu, and water tan ng, sheet iron i9th and_ Pherco. BRICK. | WESTERN STEAM BRICK YARDS Rubbers. All kInds of bricks. B& M R J P 513 South 12th Propriotor CARRIAGT | Gonts' Fino Boots and WM. PFEIFFER, B, M'Cr flue_ carrlay buuglos. Caro i trimming and n 280 Loayon! 10g. W.R. DRUM- MOND & CO, Carrlago bullders. Hose ‘and patrol wogons & Wpocaty 18th opp. H,OSTERHOUDT Spring wagons of al 5. Repalring on sh 106, 1501 Cass. Court’ House JOFFEL CONSOLIDATED COFFeE CO.,! Iwporters and Jobbors, 1414 Harnoy. CIGARS. H. C. HARTRY, Box Trade Solloited 1116 Farnam. J. BECKMAN, 1611 Farnam, THE CUBAN. made to | M'I'g Of Cuban made and ‘ordor. 1h6 famous Stato Seal be clgar. Vactory, 2400 Patrick ave. Stare. B20 N, lith. & M. Rinbaan, “7TH. HENOCH, Domestio Havaoa and Goods. 1622 Dodge St COPPERSMITHS. HONACK & KAESSNER Copper work of all kinds #0438 10th. PEYCKE CANDY CO,, Candy Kitchen, orders promptly tilled. 109 8. ith. Mall 416 8. 11th, ING CO,,, Artiste and Deslgners. 634 Paxton Block, PLATING CO. New procoss dry cloan- ing. No_shrinkage. 1621 Howard. WORKS Cleaning & dylng o every descriptioni5?]. Ho ward stroet. WESTERN ELECTRO/ STEREO WORKS. Pollshing brass, chanda- Torwor taiowars. ato replated. 1114 Dodge St. RUBBER GOODS |oMAHA MiLLING cO S, F. GILMAN. 1015 7 16th, Oftice & mill, Managor. | 1513 N. 16th 8. Black, & IPHOLSTERING. CHAS. SHIVERICK & OMAHA UPHOLSTER co., | ING CO, Furniture, Carpots and M’ upholstors Draporios. | ¥ IRNITURF OMAHA RUBBER CO,, MARKS BROS. SADDLERY CO, Stook snddles and light harnoss a spocinlty. 1407 Hurney, ————————————————————— i, DOORS, BLINDS.0 RAMSER & €O, Nobby and shapes, 1 Full stock. 200 N. 16 IRO OMAHA SAFE _ AND IRON WORKS, Safer vaults, fnil work, o shutiors 4nd 1re 68 Capos, Q. Al 14th und Jw A DO LS T KINDLING WOOD, _ "OMAHA KINDLING FACTORY. Kindling and Sawdust dol, atreasonnblo origes. Tl WORK LAL STEAM LAUNDRY, DRI Dodge. MATTE " THE OMAHA MATTRES 3 CO. feather pll- fowaand’ comfottars. 0 trade only: G. B. HURST. Mauutaowurer of Hurst's condensed and soft Home Mado M Also Home 1420 8. 16th RALLS, JEANS, KATZ-NEVINS CO. 610-612-614 8. Uith. —— e PRINTERS, BOOKBINDERS, 1110 OMAHA PRINTINGCO | POKROK ZAPADY guccomors 1o Omana lnboisn spucintty. tank | PRINTING CO aupplian . biniks, olo 10th nd Douglas 2181 Lt REED JOB PRINTING [ Bee Bullding. BALL BROS, . ROSENBERY, Mouldings, stalc rally 1| owolu, batuntors, soroil work, ete, Telephono Cablney Making, \ 16th ana Marcy Streets, 801N, 15th. CADY & GRAY, Omce and Bank work a specialty 201 North 9th SYRUP AND MOLASS RELL & CO, Jellles, Presorvos. Mince Moat and Apple But- tor. 2178, 5th, _—_—— TRUNKS. C. H, FORBY, Trun ks, Samplo Cases Traveling Bugs, eto. 1405 Douglas . T SHIRTS AND OMAHA SHIRT FAC- TORY. Establishod, 1570 1314 Farnam. NEBRASKA SHIRT CO. 207 8. 11th, Tel. 251 P. J, QUEALEY SOAP CO Mfg, Union Soap. Mz, Colobrnted launi v 116 Hiekory | and tolleal soaps, O —— VINEGAR, VINEGAR| PAGE SOAP CO., HAARMAN Co., Mig. Kraut, Clder and High Grado Vinegar. City 000, 11th & Howard WHITE: CARTER WHITE LEAD CO, Corrotiers and Grindocs, 51 2 CO.,! OMAHACOMPRESSE ) YEAST CO, 1714 8, 10th, GERMAN YEAST Ge Yerit puckige. Made ln Omel 1414 Harney. B —