Omaha Daily Bee Newspaper, May 13, 1888, Page 9

IT IS TIME TO UNLOAD. and on Monday we make one of our regular old fashioned sales; look below at the prices: I desire to call your special attention to the colored silks, nun’s veiling, torchon laces, parasols, black goods, table linens and underwear: Come on Monday; everybody will be there. N. B. Falconer The Mothers Friend Shirt Waist. Curtain Dept. Monday we will give our customers a bargain in Lace Curtains; we have just received 200 puirs Nottingham Lace Curtains which we will sell on Monday at 98¢ per pair. These Curtainsare fully equal to those previously sold by us at $1.25, which is asuflicient guaran- tee that this sale is worthy your atten- tion. Mail orders filled. COLORED SILKS. 2 Bargains in Col- ored Silks. Satin Rhadama 93c. We will sell Monday 40 pieces all new Shadesin Satin Rhadama, that is worth #1.35 at 93c. Bargain No 2. Cheney Bros. Faille Francaise guar- anteed to wear in choice colorings, the best domestic silk made, at 81,074 worth 8 Pongee Embroider- ed Suits, $9.75. 5 Suits, the price is £9.75; these suits are worth $25.; we only sell them at $0.75, because we have only five, and do not want them in stock. Colored Dress G-oods French Dress Goods at less than Half Price. French Nun's Veiling at 37fc, worth French Albatross Cloth at 374c,bought to sell at 750. NoveltyDress Goods Novelty Dress Goods Striped and plain to match at 75¢, regular price 50 ;éc. 79c. 79c. Solid eolors in French Dress Goods, all new colors at 79¢, regular price $1.50, BLACK GOODS, Silk Warp, Henrietta Cloth, 85c. 42 inch Silk Warp, Henrietta Cloth at 85¢; would be cheap at $1.35. 46-inch Black Serge 95c¢. 10 pieces 46 inch black French Serge at 95¢, worth 8$1.50. BlackAlbatross 50c¢ 38 inch biack 9Albatross Cloth at 50c, worth 75¢ Black Cashmeres at 37ic, regular price 50c. This is one of our very spec- ial bargains. Mull Caps, 25c. 100 dozen Children’s Mull Caps at 25¢ worth &0c, Nurse's Aprons 25¢ New styles in Nurse’s Aprons at 25¢, worth 50. Remnants of Sat- eens, 6Yc. 2 cases of Sateen Remnants 15¢, per yard on Monday, 6ic. PARASOLS, Fancy Parasols $2.25. Ladies’ Fancy Satin striped and re Parasols at & ; regular price $2.75. Ladies’ Fancy striped Silk and Satin Parasols at 2,75, worth $4.00. $2.95. We show a large line of Ladies’ fancy checked Silk parasols at $2.95; regular price £5.00. % $3.19. A bargain, we show black Satin Para- sols with fancy stripes at $3.19, worth £6.00. $3.75. Fancy Blacked Satin Parasols all col- ors, very choice, at 3,75, worth $6.50. $4.00. New shadings in shot Silk Parasols, new handles at $4.00, worth $7.50. Ladies’ Underwear Atisc. At 1sc. Ladies’ fine Gauze Vests, all sizes at 15¢, worth 85¢; not more than 6 Vests to each customer. 25C 25C 25C Bargains Bargains Ladies’ Jersey fitting Vests at 25c, re- duced from 40c. Mail orders filled. 30c¢. 30c¢. 30c¢. Another ease of Ladies’ Jersey fitting Vests at 30c, sold by other storcs at 474c asa great bargain; our price Monday is 80c. Mail orders filled. worth The great invention, the Mothers Friend Patent Shirt Waist,awarded the first prize medal at the American Insti- tute Ifair, New York, 1887. The most useful and time saving invention for which a patent was ever issued by the patent oftlce in Washington, D. C.© No {)utmns can be torn off, either in wear- ing or washing. The Mother’s Friend does away entirely with the sewing on of buttons. TItis supplied with an ad- justable belt, which is_easily taken off when the waist is washed; the buttons are riveted on the belt, consequently can not be torn off, either in wearing, washing or ironing. We carry a full line of the Mother’s Friend Shirt Waists at 50c, 75¢, 85c, 81.00, $1.25 and $1.50, in all the nowest designs manufactured. Hand MadeTorchon Laces 3%e. Hand made Torchon Laces at 3ic, worth 7ic. 5C. Hand made Torchon’ Lates at 5¢, reg- ular price 10c. 8%sc. 100 pieces Hand made Torchon Lace at 8ke; regular price 12§ to 15ce. 10c¢: ‘We show great bargaing at this price in both Torchon and Medisis, at 10c, 80c. 20c. 20c. At this price we willsell all the Laces that we have been sclléfls regularly at 25¢, 80¢, 35c and 40c; Mandays price 20c. . 3. ‘White -Suits. ‘We again call attedtion to our line of TLadies’ White Lawn *Suits which is superior to any line ‘we have ever shown. The finish and fit af these suits is perfect and the styles entirely new. The prices are from $3.00 to & Fine Lir}ens. ; Fine Linens. Great sale of fine Table Linens Mon- day and all next week. On Monday we will commence a great eacrifice sale of fine linen sets. We find we have an overstock of these fine lin- ens, and we are determined to reduce it. These goods are manufactured on the celebrated hand_ looms of William Lid- dell & Co., and John S. Brown & Sons, Belfust, Ircland. At $9.65. 2x24 yards Double Damask Cloth with 1 Napkins to match at $0.65, worth $13.75. At $10.50. 2x3 yards fine Double Damask Cloth \\'ifibh & Napkins to match at $10.50,worth 81 At $11.25. 2x3} yards fine Double Damask Cloth with § Napkins to match at $11.25,worth At $12. 2x4 yards fine Double Damask Cloth with § Napkins to match at $12. worth o At 5oc. 10 pieces 62 inch fine Cream Damask at 50c. This is our regular 75¢c quality. At $1.00. 15 pieces (assorted Patterns) 8-4 fine Satin Damask at $1.00, worth $1.374. Turkish Towels. 100 dozen large Turkish towels at 15¢, worth 25¢. 100 dozon large Turkish towels at 25¢, worth 40c. 50 dozen fancy Turkish tidies at 7ic, worth 12ic. Glass Toweling. 1 bale 18 inch all linen glass towelind at 114¢, worth 164c. Ladies’ Silk Vests, $1.25. Ladies’ Silk Vests in all colors at $1.25 regular price 2.25, Basket Braid Bal- briggan Vests 98c. ‘We have just 6 dozen Ladies’ Basket Braid Balbriggan Vests that we have been selling at 2,45, on Monday the price is 98¢, nok more than 3 Vests to each customer. Toilet Sacques. A special bargain in these goods at 81.1 y Pillows! ne feather pillows at 81, Pillows! 7 pound worth $2 7 poand worth $3.00. 6 pound live geese .624¢, worth $3.50. 6 pound live geese feather pillows at 83.874, worth $4.75. Bed Spreads gogc. 1 case Bates Bed Spreads at 99¢ each. We will only sell 2 of this lot toany one customer. Sule starts at 8 a. m. Men- day morning. Jackets! Jackets! MONDAYS CLEARING SALE OF JACKETS, Jackets on Monday at #1.57, £3.50, $4.50, #5.50 and $7.50. " A very fine as- sortment of Jackets at the above greatly reduced prices. Persian Shawls. We have purchased ata sacrifice, a line of Persian Shawls to sell at cost of manufacture, we ask an inspection of these goods as they are special price $1.57, $3.75, 84.75. Mens' Hose. 160 dozens Men’s Lisle Thread, Hose seamless, in all colors at 2¢; regular .pAt 4(]).CQC. At 19c¢. Another Bargain. 40 dozen Men’s fine Balbriggan Half Hose Silk Clocks at 19¢, would be cheap at 5 Men's Underwear. Mens’ Medium weight Balbriggan Shirts in Drab, only at 50¢, worth $1.25. Also grey mixed Balbriggan Shirts at 50c, worth 75¢. Men’s Balbriggan Shirts 25c. 10 cases Men's Balbriggan Shirts at 25¢, worth 45c. ne feather pillows at82, feather pillows at Muslin Underwear. 8 dozen Ladies’ Drawers well made with tucks at 21c. 6 dozen Ladies’ broidered rufile at 42 4 dozen Ladies’ Skirts with deep hem and tuck, at 42c. 6 dozen Ladies’ Skirts heavy muslin, embroidered ruffle at 8¢, Drawers with eme AN OMAHA PIE FOUNDRY. ‘Where the Girle Learn to Bake the Doughnuts, Bread and Cake. TWENTYSIX FUTURE HOUSEWIVES A Description of the Culinary Methods in Copeland’s Cooking School— The Unhappy End of the Writer. “I had left a slight momento,” Vassar graduate, “A monument to womankind — my maiden loaf of bread, And @ ghostly individual rather late Informs me 'tis as changeless as sphinx’s mighty head.” said the who came in the ‘Who among us, cven unto the time when life's last breath is taking leave from his wasted frame, will repudiate the oft repeated assortion that no woman in the wide, wide ‘world could cook as mother cooked, and the dear old woman could get up a first class meal, couldn’t she, now! Her productions of culinary art were marvellous in the extreme, She had acquired her knowledge of kitchen lore by years of patient toil in the cooking room in which her mother concocted various dishes to please the epicurean taste of those whose wants in the line of victuals she was called upon to supply. Nowadays it is different. ‘We have at various points in this great re- public of ours what are known as cooking schools, and although there may be one or WO persons in this city who are not aware of the fact, Omaha is one of those fortunate places. The rooms are in the busement of he high school building. There is no ne- cessity for taking the clevator, it is only one flight down, As the visitor enters he is greeted with a sight which, while pleasing to the eye, also has a soothing effect on the olfactory nerves. A mammoth range, upon which a meal for a regiment of iufantry might be cooked, ‘»rn\'ldul)‘ the cook had plenty of time, with its oven door handles and mountings polished until they glisten like silver, o host of gus stoves, tables, benches, bread pans, pie pans, pots and kettles, bread boards, apple parers, in fact all the necessary adjuncts for cooking grect the eye, Hero is the place where the young lady who but one hour since was standing in a recitation room conjugating “amo, amas, amat,” or perhap: was engaged in guiding' her pretty’ fingers over the ivory keys in a determined effort to master a selection from *Norma,” puts on o big apron and, rolling up herslecvos, plunges her dimpled arms into a mass of dough pre rarnwry to the creation of a number of oaves of bread, or mayhap she industriously plies & chopping kuife, thiuking as she docs 80 what a grand old panful of bash she will make. 4 This cooking school is presided over by Miss Clara Mann, who, in addition to the many other £ood qualitics she possesses, is i ©ook of the first class, and if the reader doubts the truth of this statement let then visit the school aud try Miss Mann's mince R, They will never regret i ver, s in came here from Xel ‘was formerly partuient at the soldiers’ home at that point 3he is a graduate of the Arwes universiiy owa, and can cook anything from @ Welsh rarebit to a roast ox at a barbesne. She Las eighty pupils of whom seventy-six are gir Eaeh pupil de- v hours per day to the cook- sckoo!, with the excention of high school scholars who only practice every other day. Orly plain cookiiig such as an averago fam. ily needs is done. ~ The fivst thing taught is how 10 build a five. T'his on was decided upon because of tie uncertainty of the ferage bill pussing the senate, and 1 the event vf '8 ¢yibg 'n the upper house it was feared that without the knowledge of fire building the graduate would be iv a bad fix, especially if men insisted on lying abed as at present. The new scholar has wo use green kindlings, also, and is thor- ouchly initiated. The use of kerosene is tabooed. After learning how to pare and slice potatoes and apples the pupil is taught to make bread, and not until she nas got the bread business down to i fine point is she permitted to advance. Then she goes into the study of soup. Tomato, vermicelli, con- somme, cream of rice, plain, noodle and, in fact, all kinds of soups, are thoroughly mas tered, 'Phen comes the roasting department and the fair scholar learns how to roas bake, fry, broil, stew and fricasse anything from a mud ben to a turkey, or a pork chop to a saddle of venison, After this branch is thoroughly mastered comes pudding and pic, and all sorts from plain bread to the sort our English cousins dote on are concocted, and pie, 1o, from the poor man’s vinegar to the 8 d mince, held in su high esteem by Vanderbilt, for the construction of which he imported a §10,000 a year cook when by coming to Omaha he could have had his wants supplied at half the price. When the pie o pudding course is fin- nished, cake receives attention. and the future housewife is taught how to make all kinds, from the plain one, two, three, four cake of our grandmother's to othe marble cake of the jpresent time. When this is fin- ished the young lady is a candidate for matri- monial honors, and is, with'the education she has received, &-fit companion for any man, be be rich or poor. The pupil must, while taking the course, wash the_dishes, black the stove, and per- form all duties incidental to a housewife's . A gas stove is provided for each two ordinary cooking. Bread baking is done in the range. The institution is well managed, and _exceeds the most sanguine expectations of the projectors of the enter- prise, A Ber reporter visited the school on Fri- day last, and the result of his visit was highly satisfactorily. The cooking busi- ness ;was in full blast when the hun- gry Scribe arrived, and without further ceremony he was about to pounce on a pan of biscuits when he was stopped by a beauti- ful blonde who laid her little hand entreat- ingly upon his arm and remarked: *‘Please don’t touch those you might not like them.'” “And why not," innocently remarked the person addressed. “‘Well,” said the beauty, ‘you see they were made by a new scholar and Mr. Lewis kr:-ps them for punishing refractory stud- ents." “Why, how on earth can he use biscuits in punishing a scholar " said the scribe, $Oh," said the young lady, *'that is easy. If any one transgresses the rules they are compelled to eat & biscuit made by a new scholar. And," she solemnly added, “when a pupil has been punished in this manner once they never repeat the offense.” ‘Do they die!” was asked. “Die, oh no! but they never violate auy more rules."” “Well," was asked, “where is there any thing that is fit to eat{" “Just step this way,” said the young lady as she tripped daintly'across the foor and led the journalist into wnother room. ‘‘Help yourself,”” said she, and the reporter helped. What & t! - Pies, cakes, puddings,roust ) And’ so the hungry mnan waded into the tempting delicacies with that est for which all of bis class are noted, he was assisted by all of the first class in pie Gradually he forgot his surroundings and was back again i his bonnie New England home. The pumpkin pie which he tasted was of mother's own make and the dough- nuts were of sister's fryi sure. For an kour he lingered and would have remained longer, but for the announcement that school is dismissed by the principal of the bread manufactory T he “awakened to the scuse of his position and realized that his piness was at an end. Not yet, one hope yet remained. Beekoning the blonde who Lad saved bim from the biscuit upon his ar. rival he hoarscly whispered in her ear, could e carry off of those mince pies to the sanctumi “Why, yes—take two,” and he took three and his heart beat with' joy as he boarded a cable car for the oftice. He rusheg up stairs to his room and - . . . . . The horse editor, wko had been out takls a drive behind a new pacer, came bounding into the reporters’ room, when he observed & figure at the desk of the pie reporter, His. head was bowed upon the writing slide, his hands lying in his lap, and the manuscript of the above article lying before him. He called the slecper by name, but he awoke not. He shook him, but there was no response. He raised bis head. He was dead. A sweet smile still lingered around’ his moutn. ~ Hig well-worn pencil was lying upon the table, and in his hand was clutched a piece of his third pie. “Requicscat in Pac — - — LDUCATIONAL. Thirty college_graduates are employed on the stafl of the New York Siun. There were 25,045 students at the twenty German universities during the last session, Of these 1,644 were foreigner: The Man With an Only Son—What kind of scholars do you turn out at this institutiont Principal—Those who won't study. President Beaton has returned from his castern trip, with $2,000 toward the $10,000 needed immediately by Redfield College, Dak. Prof. G. Stanley Hall of the chair of psy- chology in John Hopkins ersity has been elected to the presidency of the new Clark university, Worcester, Mass, Wesleyan university, Middlctown, Conn, had an income last year of upwards of $51, 000, of which about §40,000- came from the permanent endowment of §660,000, Time was when the college proféssors used to box the ears of refractory freshmen, They would have to take a four years' course in sparring before they could do'it now. A Greek learns to speak English in about half the time it takes an Italian to acquire French, and a Russian will speak French, English and German in_the same period that a Frenchman will need to acquire a mere smattering of the two latter languages, ‘The National Educational association of the United States will hold its thirty-seventh annual meeting in San Francisco, July 17 to to 20. ‘There are indications of an immense gathering. Every state and territory will be represented, and ulso many foreign countries. In Wyoming territory for at least three months in each year, for all between the ages of seven and sixtéen, education is com pulsory, and to all residents of the territory etwecn five and twenty-one, from prima; school o university inculded, is absolutely free, ‘The Maimonides library established by the Jewish order B'nai B'rith is now one of the larger and more useful libraries of New York Accerding to its last annual report it contai about 30,000 volumes and has over 5,000 reg- istered renders, to whom it loaved in 1 more than 40,000 volumes. Kentucky Sunday school superintendent to pastor—See here, I'm not going to teach this school any longer if I've got to leave my re- volver at home. Only yesterday onel Kilgore wiped the floor with me because I contradicted his statement that Moses was found in a clothes basket atthe battle of Bull Run, Clark university has extended an invitation to Prof. G. Stanley Hall, Ph. D,, professor of psychology and pedagogics in’ John Hop- kins university, Baltimore, to become its president, Prof, Hall is & graduate of Wil- iams college, of the class of 1567, aud spent a nuumber of years in Europe in the study of modern educational systems. Lafayette college, at Easton, has sent out 280 professors aud teachers, nearly 300 civil and mining engineers, 333 physicians, 443 ministers, and 525 lawyers. Her alumni are found in every state and territory in the union. The new catalogue slows an attend- auce of 9:2 students, from eighteen states, besides Sium, Jupan and Honduras, According to the report of the finance com- mittee the expenditures of the London school board from November 30,1870, to September 20, 1557, amounts to within a fraction of twenty million pounds or above $50,000,000,0f which the citizens of London have coutrib- uted upwards of one million one hundred and fifty-four thousand pounds,or something over 5,000,000, The estimiates for the year end- ing Murck 25, 1588, amount to £1,146, 141, THE TALKATIVE CGRIPNAN. He Tolls the Reporters Some Very Funny Stories. HE IS GOING TO HAVE A UNIFORM. What He Thinks of Sunday Base Ball and Promises to Collect More Facts for Next Sunday, ‘‘Hello, Ber," said the gripman, as the re porter boarded his car one day last week. “You ought to have been with me Sunday. Say, of course you have read of the China- man who, upon seeing a eable car for the first time, remarked: ‘Hoo! No pnshee; no pullee; go liko hellee allee samee.’ Yes, that's a chestnut. Well, thero is a Mongo- lian in Omaha who knocks that fellow out completely. Tell you about it? Of course I will,” said the gripman, as he stopped to let alittle girl, leading an old blind woman, get in the car. ““You see, yesterday was Sunday and the washee-washee fellows were out get- ting air. One of them, Won Hing Lung or some such name, got.on my car, and from his actions I guess it must have been his first ridge. He went out on the forward end and looked down in the slot, where he could see the cable running. ‘Eh,’ says John, ‘car run with cling? ‘Yes,” said I, ‘car runs with a string.’ Just then the conductor signalled me to stop and I did so—so suddenly that John flew off the front end like a carrier pigeon and alighted on his ear some ten feet ahead. He picked himself up and scrambled back, remarking as he did so: ‘Hellee damee cling broke.' I shook my head, no, and started up again, whereupon China smiled suavely and sagely remarked: ‘Cling all right, car go, cling not broke. But that laundry fiend sat down the rest of the trip, ““One of the boys had a.good joke played on him the other day,” said the gripman. **One of the conductors, He too] Fns bell punch home with him, add as be did not_go out un til noon next day he slept until about 9 o'clock. While he wes yisiting the land of Nod the children got the puunch and wer amusing themselves with it when the mamma caught them at it. She took the ma- chine away from them and forg)l to tell the old man, who, after is breakfast, skipped off to work without noticing that any- thing was \vrung. Well, the next day when he reported at the office the superintendent told that he was just 1,826 3fares short. It paralyzed him for a w! nd then he asked how it was, and they sh him the rec- ord. You see the *conall carry 8 book in addition to the punch, and every time they collect a fare they mark it on the book as well as pulling the pu When you leave the office the number indicated by ‘your bell punch is taken, and when you come in itis also taken the former subtracted from the latter which gives the numberof fares and must agree with the book record. This conductor asked time togo home and re- turn and when he got back was able to ex- L»l:nu. But he does not carry that bell-punch ome any more, he leaves it at the oftice.” “Last week was a great time for us fel- lows and I declare I know more about dem ocracy than I ever drepmed I could. I had democrats from Otoe and democrats from Buffalo county, reified” from Hatings and free traders from Blue Hill, and if you want to kuow anyshing about ‘‘packing bouses” and “‘slaughfer houses” Ican post you for keeps." ‘I sce the movemeny dgainst Sunday base ball still continues amd that the courts will have to decide the matter,” said the gripman, as he shifted his lever to cateh the otber cable at Twentieth and Dodge strests “I don't like this busiuess at all. Why cau't we spend Sunduy in Jooking at a game of base ball if we .choose and why should the winisters take euch a stand against it? It seems ito me that a man cannot by law be compelled to keep t! b- bath. The good book doos not advocate forcing a man to obey 1ts teachings, and I think that the men who are chosen to advo- cate the principles of christianity are owning their weakness when they resort to such measures. \\'h?' do they not enjoin all busi- ness men from foilowing their vocation? This cable ling) for instance.. The employes work on Sunday, and I have drawn several min- isters on the Sabbath day who were not ashamed to sce me break the commandment as long as they got to church in time. I think they are as guilty as anyy 1 agree with the clergyman who advocat Sunday base ball. There is no other means of amuse- ment. Why do not the partics build reading rooms and inake them attractive enough to keep young men and women away from Sun- day games! No,they send their money to Af- rica, Oko Jumbo or some other country,where well-fed missionaries spend it. There are thousands of greater evils than Sunday base ball. The wine rooms for instance, no in- junctions are asked against them and a more crying evil never existed. Brutal fights within th isdiction of the county author ties, which are called upoa to suppress buse ball games, are cognizant of and the partics well known oceur aud nothing is heard. Dog fights in which poor dumb brutes chew one another up, take place inside the limits and still the ministers ure quiet, but when 7,000 people who have worked hard all week want rest and recreation in looking at a game on Sunday the mighty vower of a Connecticut blue law is worked to stop it. A lady and gentleman got on the car yes- terday and for fare tendered a nickle and a five-dollur gold piece.s The ‘con’ took the nick, rang his chestnut bell and handed the shiner back with the remark, ‘I cannot change i Then his rivets fished np a dollar which the ‘con’ collared, changed and gave him back 95 cents. ‘Thanks,’ said the passenger. ‘Don’t mention it,’ aid the ‘eon.' Of course you know a man always flashes his largest piece of money fivst. Sunday morning we came out in our new uniforms, and now if you want to look at a daisy crowd of men just come around look at us. Oh, we will be a lot of cat-birds, 1tell you. But here we al t the end of the route. Come around again, Good bye," —— PEPPERMINT DROPS. Sing a song of ten cents— A glass of good old rye; Four-and-twenty like it Make an adequate supply, When that rye has soaked him through A fellow cannot bud And ain't he just a To go before @ judge! Messages from spirit land are written on ‘rapping paper, It doesn’t bother lawyers to see breakers ahead—that is, if they are law breakers. Phe moon was full last night, not to men- tion several other visitors from out of town. With sowe people poetry may be said to be a sort of versy vice, while' with others it is vice versa. Max O'Rell calls the Pullman porter the czar of the country. Max wust not try to be- little the Pullman porter, It is said that the sultan of Morocco has 6,600 wives. No wonder Uncle Saw hesitates about tackling so brave a wan, A Georgia farmer made $100 off an acre planted in watermelons, ‘and a neighboring doctor made 200 off the same acre. A Florida town has sent a petritied man to the Sub-Tropical Exposition, and all the railroad restaurants huve au eye on it. There is an immense fortune awaiting the man who will invent a button that will ring @ chestout bell every ume it drops off, “‘One swallow does not make the su any more than a grasshopper ma spring or the old gold bunana pesl the fall. The king of Spain is eighteen months old, and has a salary of $1,000,000, with the pros- pect of a raise as so0u as the business will warrant ¢ A young man in Reading, Pa, is seriously ill frow the effects of kissing a girl's roug painted chaeks. The warning will not e eeded, however. Hotel clerks and barkeepers will be pleascd monds this year from the South American field is (48,800 carats. Hereafter (the senate permitting) while theassociate justice of the supreme bench may get as full as they can the elief justice will always be a little Fuller. Cigar Manufacturer—What do_you think of my new brand of cigars! What would be a good name for them. iend (who is smoking one)—The “Lung-Tester.” “Will you please give me something, sir?” begged o tramp. “Certainly,” responded the gentleman importuned: *1'm a police justice, and if you will step around to my ofiice I'll give you thirty days.” “I wonder if my face isn't good in here for a drink,” said Downes, who happened to be short, *'it ought to be, We'll try it, anyhow.” “It ought to be good for & _gin’ phiz, Upson,” remarked Flitterly Inskip, following him in. This is the order which a little girl brought into a Lewiston drug store the other day. It was written on a dirty piece_of note puper, as follows: “Mister Druggist—Please send ipecic enough to throw up u four-year-old iy s ‘Are you sure, land- \L this is a_spring chicken!” Laund- lord—*Yes, sir. That chicken is from my own farm; it was born inMarch,”’ Guest— 40, that 'explains it. March is a tough month.” Chicago 18 trying to “hedge” by publish- ing the statement of a chiropodist, to the ef- fect that she is convinced that a protracted residence in that city changes the shape of the foot from the pentameter into the oval or beautiful, Arcporter of an evening paper at_St. Paul makes t tartling announcement that there 8 a scarcity of £100 bills. When a reporter reaches the point where he notices a little thing like that there must be something wrong somewhere, ‘Woman (to tramp)—Now that you've had agood dinner can't you do sometiiing for it? Tramp—Well, I dunno. I wantto do what's right, If you've got any letters to mail D'l drop ’em into the lamp-post for you. I'm a square man, madame, A New Yorker who has been staying ata Saratoga hotel was asked to step into a strange lady’s room and turn on the steam, She locked the door,demanded §100 or threat ened to seream, and he handed over the cash, and walked humbly out. Mrs, Finnigan—He's no betther, doctor, You tould me to give hisasmuch of the powderas would lay on sixpence. I hadn't u sixpince, so I gave Lim as much as would lay on five pinnies and two half pinnies, and it's done him no good at all, at all, He had been walking up and down the room with the buby for two hours, *‘John,’ said his wife, from among the pillows, ‘‘you don’t look very well of late, I'm afraid you don’t get exercise enough.” John laid the baby in the crib with its fect on the pillow and went to sleep, Magazine editor (to contributor)—Your ar- ticle, sir, bus been iccepted, and will be paid for when publishes, Contributor (who has had some magazine experience)—Thanks; but what if I should die in the course of ten or fifteen yearsi Magizine editor—In that case, sir, the wouney, of course would be sent to your heirs Chicago Physician (to Mrs. Breezy)—*“I am sorry to hear that your daughter is n well, Mrs, Breezy. Is it anything serioust Mrs. Breezy—+ O, I fancy not; byt Clara is of such an ethereal, delicate organization that the least thing 'upsets her.’” Chicago Physician—"'She didn’t say what she thought the matter was¥’ Mrs. breczy—*'No; she simply complained ut breakfast this moruing of fecling very rocky.” - An Absolute Oure, The ORIGINAL ABIETINE OI is only put up in large two ouuce tin boxes and is an absolute cure for old sores, burn wounds, chapped hands, aud all skin erup’ tions. Will positively cure ull kinds of piles Asl for the ORIGINAL ABIETINE OINT- MENT. Sold by Geodian Drug Co. at 2 cents per box—by mail 40 cenls. -~ Chun Sin, a Chicago Chinaman, joincd the Baptist oh in_Chicago Sunday, His to Jearn that the estimated producticn of dia- ‘ uvawe will be Shuu Siu bercafter, IMPIETIES. There is a clergyman_in_ England named Straight, whose curate is named Crooked. The Georgin clergyman who has just preached his own funcral should now contest his will. Rev. Mr. Hirsute—The hairs of your head are numbered, Mr. Scantilocks, Mr. Scanti- locks—Well. it comforts me to think how little trouble [ give the recording wngel lat- terly Blder Jones—“Well, Brother Smith, how many have you in your churchi” Blder Smith—+Oh, 200 and Some odd, How many have you:”' Elder Jones—‘Two Lundred and all 0dd.” “Consider the lilies,” quoted the preacher, and_Bjones, in the' congregation, muse s0ftly to himsolf: “Yes, and it's a good deal cheaper to consider thein now than it was about Easter.” Two Views of It.-~Smalley (coming out of churel)—Don’t you think that Dr. Talker's sermon this morning was a finished dis- course? Lever—Yes, I do; but for about an hour I didn’t think it would be. WA man in a western town seriously pro- posed to issue an edition of the bible with pages devoted to advertising inserted in the text, but he gave up the iden when he learned what indignation it excited. Even Sioux City, Ia., fhas been reformed. When the Rev. George C. Haddock was murdered there over one hundred saloons were running. Now not a single one is open. A memorial to the murdered man has been unveiled, A Nashville minister said in his Sunday sermon that “‘the woman who will occupy two seats in a street car, in vioiation of her neighbor's rights, may be respectable, but can have little claim to either religion or good breeding. Mr. Sleeper, the New Jersey clergyman, whose name has been 80 much in the news- papers of late, having been again tricked into performing a m age ceremony where the bride was too young, announced that he has permanently retired from business, There is awful suggestiveness in the state- ment of Rev. George H. Tilghman, of Wil- wmington, Del., who shot his wife recently, that he borrowed the pistol, “as he intended to go out into the country to collect funds for his chur Rev. George uppears to be collector with vigorous ideas N yman in a Canadial church recently moved his congregation wit the pathetic story of adrowning child. But the anti-climax came when by a slip of the tongue he pictured the father dragging out of lllu'lll'rucl water “the life of Lis bodyless child.” ) Rey. Mr. Artichoke—My deir, I have been asked to preach the funeral sermon of that pated and unprincipled Tom Ratsbane, 0t think of a single good thing to about him—in conscience. What am 1 gom to do about it! Mrs. Artichoke (after long thought)—Oh yes, dear, I have it! You can say that he died a poor man, 4 At a crowded wedding where some curious spectators at the back of the church so far forgot themselves as to stand on the seats. Bishop Eastburn, observing this scandal, paused in the seryice and said in his most 80l tones, ‘“Kemembering the sacred character of this house, let all ‘who are pres] ent sit upon the floor and put their feet upon the seats." It may be true that Rev. M. C. Brittain who went to Rockford, 11l to deliver a temd perance lecture and wsa jailed for being in- toxicated be it—it may be trae that the question is: Did they rugs into him with 8 gun when he wasn't look}ng or did Le pour them into himself from a glass? Mr. Brittain may be a sound temperance man, but the burden of proving it seems to rest upon bim. Good gtories of the bishop of London are not rare. ‘I'he other day an iucuwbent of tie diocese began to congratulate the bishop on his recove from a receut indisposition, “I am very pleased, my lord,” he commenced, “What, sir " steruly inte the bishop; “You m 'y pleased 1" " us the poor parson turned away like a trests fatlen schoolboy, the great man remarked 1o the curate with solemn affability-e “What an awly ¥ day it has been 1"