The Nonpartisan Leader Newspaper, May 6, 1918, Page 21

TO THREE! little brains! ning gears! some bore! tool!” ALL BEGIN! CONSARNIN’ THE DOCTORS! When the new baby comes we all know, of course, that the doctor, and not the stork, really brings the little mite, but then the stork has a big bill, so the figure of speech is a good one. “l never treat patients in their~ homes,” said the specialist who had an office “down town.” “Wall, in my case,” said the Irish- woman (over the phone), it wouldn’t be at all necessary fur ye to do that, fur there is a saloon nixt to me heuse!” “Pat,” said the doctor, “I hate to inform you, but yet it becomes my duty to tell you that there is no hope —you are going to die.” : “Phat are ye givin’ me?” exclaimed the emaciated Hibernian, “that is the very last thing that I'll iver do!” “Tell me the worst, doctor; what- ever it.is, tell me the worst!” “My friend, there is no immediate danger, and the worst will be mailed to you the first of next month.” A certain miser loved his money so well that he used to fill his mouth up -with coins and twirl them around with his tongue. One day he made a mis- cue and a whole handful went rattling down his gullet, a few sticking in his throat. A doctor was called, and found the man in a choking condition, but after three hours labor, succeeded in saving his life. It is reported that the miser coughed up a dime. A kind physician found a small boy crying on the street. “What is the trouble, my little man?” he asked. “M-m-m-my fa-fa-fa-fa-father is d-d-d-dead!” bellowed the poor boy. “HE IS!” exclaimed the doctor. “Was there no physician there at the time ?” ' “N-n-n-n-no!” sobbed the little fel- low, “Pa, he-he just d-d-died himself!” * * * SOMETIMES THE FELLOW WHO IS DEEP IN THOUGHT DOES NOT HAVE THOUGHT VERY DEEP IN HIM! sateiay : “Under this stone,” read the epi- taph, “lies the immortal John Jones!” “Great Scott!” exclaimed the old THE FPROGRESSIVE AME OF CHAPS The little chap, one day in school, disdains the baby wee, fer all it knows is “goo-goo-goo,” WHILE HE CAN COUNT The older chap with “changing voice” and gruesome “growing pains” still marvels how the little chap can have so The High School chap with fuzzy lip, and three long Latin years, can scarce endure the awkward chap with aching run- The college chap, with stub mustache and giggling girls galore, pronounces every “fuzz-lipped” chap a green and tire- The business chap just “out in life” abhors the chap in school, and calls the dashing college chap “an overpolished The portly chap of middle age who has his “second start,” is sure the younger chap has hitched his horse behind his cart! The dear old chap with squeaky voice and white and shaky chin, is prone to tell the other chaps WHERE THEY SHOULD neighbor who was doing the reading, “One would think John could have quit that old habit after he died, even if he couldn’t ‘while he was living!” * * * A FEW CONUNDRUMS ‘When we run out of typewriter sup- plies, where then does the key-board? If we become impatient when our sweethearts insist on going to the bowling alleys, why do we not object to having the sugar bowl? If you are as kind to your wife as you say you are, why do you let the dressmaker give her fits so often? If the pepper castor were rude, would the salt shaker? If the fat girl from the side show fell wunconscious, face down, on the kitchen floor, could the pancake turner, or the stove lifter? * * * IT’S ONLY A HALF TRUTH They say the milkman down our way, Is prone to use the brew; I guess he does, but I can say, He uses water, too! : £.® 8 When the city ordinance was pass- ed, saying that all lots should be as- sessed so much per front foot, it is said that one man thought to evade the law, by investing in a LOT of chickens—a species of animal which have no front foot! * * * By = WE NEVER YET EKNEW A KNOCKER TO CARRY A CLAW- HAMMER—THE KIND THAT WILL PULL A NAH, THAT DOESN'T GO IN STRAIGHT. ; * x * We wouldn’t be a bit surprised if the mosquito got into the game and presented his bill, too, the first o next month, ? - * * * A CASE OF CROSSED LINES “1 calls down on mine enemy, In effery shot and shell, - : The wrath von Gott, who pulls mit me, Und backs mine program vell!” So sagt der Kaiser—holy fraud—; Yet, records plainly tell, ! 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