The Nonpartisan Leader Newspaper, May 6, 1918, Page 16

EER Mistur Editur: Crafty iz in a fix —yes, a dozen fixes. He reminds me uv a fly wig- glin’ around on a sheet ‘uv fly-paper —the more he wiggles an’ tries to git lose the more tangled he gits. He gits hiz foot in it up to his shoo top, tries to pull it out an’ socks the uther ’un into it up to hiz nee. In hiz frantick efforts to pull that ’en out he rams the uther ’un in up to the crotch an’ then makes a desperate flounderin’ struggle an’ lands in up to hiz neck.. Then his nerves break down or his mind throws a belt and he ends up in the horspittal an’ gits to talkin’ outen hiz hed. Now when he left the horspittal at Denver he wuz walkin’ around in the seventh heven. That wuzent more n six weeks ago. At this writin’ he iz mopin’ about in the basement uv gloom tryin’ to find the elevator to the ground floor. Hiz hopes iz regis- terin’ 60 below zero an’ hiz spirits look like a bunch uv wilted mornin’- glorys. An’ az these spells iz comin’ oftener -an' with increased acuteness I am expectin’ enny time to have to report that he iz in the lunytick asy- lum laced up in a strait-jacket. HARD GOING IN MONTANA The thing—or ruther the things— that put him on the tobogan this last time wuz the failure of some uv hiz latest skeems—skeems which he an- nounced when we scattered out frum Denver. Stick an’ me wuz sent to North Dakota to attend the resurrec- shun servises uv the anti-farmers leeg at O-me-my, which has bin reported to you. Slipry an’ Dodger wuz to go to Montana an’ organize a non-check- payin’ assinashun among the bankers. Crafty hizself wuz goin’ to Soo City, Iowa, to have a confab with Zin Her Mann frum Kansas to make plans to have Big Shiny Fang frum Lobster Bay to cume out here an’ tell the farmers why they shuddent organize. An’ so, the uther day he called a conferashun at the Sin Twitties, on floor 13 in room 23 uv the Paint Saul ’ Crafty Is Full of Gloom and Camouflage | By I. B. RIPP, the Reporter T T T A S S TS hotel fur the purpose uv lurnin’ how the skeems had wurked out an’ plan new ones. Me an’ Stick, Slipry an’ Dodger wuz present and we seeted ourselves in hiz big, darkened room an’ waited fur him to open sumthin.’ This he did with a corkscrew. Then he opened a box uv big black seegars, warnin’ me to put that corncob pipe uv mine in my overcoat pocket an’ hang it outside the door, which I did. We all got bizzy an’ throwed up a bariage uv smoke an’ prepared fur axion. Crafty turned to Slipry an’ said: “How’s the non-check-payin’ leeg cumin’ out in Montana?” “Well,” growled Crafty, “don’t set thar an’ look like an idiot. How’s it goin’?” “Tain’t goln’,”” mumbeled Slipry without lookin’ up. Crafty turned around facin’ him, clutchin’ hiz seegar in hiz teeth like a steel trap on a cat’s tail. HAS LOST HIS CUNNING “He told you it wuzzent goin’, didn’t he?” butted in Dodger, sarcastickly. ‘Crafty turned hiz ize to the latter. “What’s the reezon it aint—why don’t you make it go, why——" “Say, air you tryin’ to make a fool outen me?” demanded the big boss rizen to hiz feet an’ lookin’ feroshus. “I wouldn’t try to improve on the works uv God,” returned Dodger, cool az a cold storage egg. “Whoze talkin’ to you?” thundered- Crafty, gitten red around the gills. “Nobody—just you.” Crafty dropped into hiz seet. He leened over on the table an’ looked outen the winder like a luve-sick gurl an’ seein’ nuthin’, All wuz silent fur a minnit an’ then Dodger got up an’ went over to - Crafty, put ‘hiz hand effectshunately on hiz shoulder. “Craft, ole sport,” he sed, sorter tenderly, “you’re a good fighter ef you air a dam fool. 1 don’t want you to think hard uv me ‘cauze I rub it inte you once in a while. I like you ’cauze you're game —but you’ve lost your powers uv strat- egums. You dig holes fur the uther feller an’ then fall into ’em yourself. An’ failin’ to lurn by.that experience “I'i bodingfizzled ef T can git that dii:gbusté«_i ‘éamaflu‘mdb(‘lgé,lilt‘i\éss.* o _end it. _ PAGE SIXTEEN “] wouldn’t try to improve on th’ works of God,” returned Dodger, as cool as a cold storage egg. ' : you climb out, make a circle or two an’ fall into the same hole agin.” Crafty heaved a sigh like a sobbin’ child recoverin’ frum its cryin’ spell. He leened back in hiz cheer an’ with- out lookin’ up at Dodger, said: “Go on, Dodger, maybe thar’s sum sense in your talk.” “Well, fur example, I nede thar wuz no use to try that non-check- payin’ stunt out in Montana.: In the furst place you can’t git all the bank- ers into it—sum uv them realize that it ain’t good bizness an’ bizness iz what most uv ’emi—air runin’ banks fur. So when we tried to organize them some member uv the meetin’ would git up an’ tell about how that certain bankers in North Dakota tried that stunt an’ the farmers simply went an’ drawed thur funds outen the of- fendin’ bank an’ put ’em in anuther. Ef all the banks got foxy then the farmers wood simply start a bank uv thur own and pull all their funds outen all the banks——" “Yes, that’s the way that Leeg doze, fites bizness men and then its speak- ers cums around an’ sez they ain’t fightin® bizness men,” cut in Crafty, peevishly. HELPLESS IN MINNESOTA “No, what they say,” corrected Dodger, “is that the Leeg don’t start the fight on bizness men. But ef the bizness men start it, then the Leegers The Leegers start out to do jist exactly what everybody has a moral an’ legal rite to do—organize. Ef a bizness man buts into their af- fair an’/starts a fite then they swat him—in’ self defense. They usually hit him only one blow—for the same reezon that lightenin’ strikes only once in the same place—thar ain’t no use to strike no more. So under these circumstances could you blame the bankers from refusin’ to monkey with - T. N. T.?” Crafty nocked the ashes offen hiz seegar an’ a grate calm came upon him but it wuz destined to not last long, : ; “Morebver,” continued Dodger, “this crazy fite that iz bein’ waged agin the Leeg in Minnesota here iz rite into their mit. Every nock iz a boost— yes, two boosts.. Every time you stop a meetin’ they go out in the country, tell the farmers about it an’ they all’ jine the organizashun. Persecushun iz the seeds uv enny movement an’ the more you persecute ’em the faster they’re goin’ to grow.” “Well, what: else can we do?” ast Crafty, helplessly. . “Thar hain’t nuthin’ else you CAN do,” replied Dodger. : This wuz like throwin’ a neck-yoke into a hornet’s nest. “The L the aint,” exclaimed Slipry, buttin’ into the ar- guficashun, an’ gitten up an’ striden over to Dodger an’ glowerin’ threat- en’ly. “The L the aint? I deny ii. I know a skeem an’ it’s a cinch. Git on the inside. Git one or two uv the leeders, pay him a good liberal sum an’ he’ll spill the beans.” Dodger laffed rite in hiz face. “Yes, you would like to pull off anuther Carpenter-Quigley stunt, wood you? Have sum millyonair chasin’ off to Newyork to peek thru the key-hole an’ see sum imaginary emisary uv -the kaiser fork over a bale uv kale to sum member uv the Leeg an’ have all the Leegers uv the country rarein’ back laffen their heds off at him.”" “But I don’t mean to git a ‘slicker’ like that Quigley, I mean to git sum feller that’ll really let us on the in- side where we can git the facks. Git the inside facks, that’s what we need,” argued Slipry. “Say, you putrifyin’ batch uv dog meat, thar hain’t no ‘inside facks’ to this Leeg,” exclaimed Stick thru a bariage fire uv smoke. That Leeg’s az square on the inside az it iz on the gussige. I no what I'm talkin’ about, 0. . A CALL FROM SOUTH DAKOTA “Camouflage,” I whispered to Stick an’ he sunk back into hiz cheer. Jist then thar cum a rap at the door an’ Crafty yelled “cum in,” an’ a mes- senger boy cum in. He handed Crafty a message. Crafty smiled az he read it. It stated that thar wood be an important meetin’ at the Paint Saul hotel the next week an’ fur us all to be thar. Alse that thar wood be an importanter meetin’ at Mitchel, South Dakota, a week later an’ fur us all to be shore an’ be thar. “I node that we’d start sumthin,” exclaimed Crafty, hopefully, as he red the telegram, which wuz sined “B. B.” Then we all took a fresh seegar an’ the meetin’ broke up without further- gxcitement. Crafty wuz strugglin’ in a quagmire uv gloom an’ graspin’ at the will o’ the wisp uv optimism. Slipry wuz sulkin’ like a soreheded bare. Az me an’ Stick went down the: street to a little restyeraunt he sed to me, sez he: “I'll be dingfizzled ef I can git that dingbusted comaflum- dodge bizness.” 2 Z “I shood say you kant,” sez I. . Yours trooly, - RIPP.