The Nonpartisan Leader Newspaper, December 24, 1917, Page 9

EAR Mistur Editur:—I" had the dingfizzeledest time o’ my life the uther day, an’ hope you 'air the same. ‘Here's how it wuz: Crafty had in- vited me to take a. tnp up in the mountains with him ‘an’ a couple uv _hiz frends, whur we. wood spend the day a‘.n have a good time. I told him I wood be de-lited, but ‘that I had a frend I wood like to take along. He .ast who my frend wuz an’' I told him it wuz a feller farmer frum Southeast Texas. ' Uv course I lied a little fur this frend uv mine wuzzn’a from Southeast Texas no mor'n you air, Mr. Editur, nor no morn'n I am, fur that matter. It wuz nun uther than my ole’ frend Stick, who had Flivered into Colorado Springs in a tin Lizzy all the way frum North Dakota, to drink a few barrels uv iron water, breathe a -lot ‘uv mountain’ atmosfear an’ climb Pikes Peak a time or two. . But when I tole Crafty that he wuz @ feller farmer from Texas this seam- ed to pleze him an’ he sed to bring him con. So-I posted up my frend Stick an’ he agreed to the camouflage bizness an’ the next mornin’ we started out brite an’ early in Crafty’s sixteen sylin- der Crackerjack for a remote nook in Crystial park, on the side uv Pikes Peak about four miles frum an’ about five thousand feet above Manitou. One * uv Crafty’s frends wuz 4 feller with a round hed, a rounder belly an’ with a. black bunch uy stubble on hiz upper " lip.” 'The distinguishin’ features uv the uthér 'n wuz that he had a balled ‘hed, " _ little bullet ize an’ a pulpy-like noze that looked like: the stem-end uv an over-ripe cucumber, Thay both tried to make-believe that thay wuz the personificashon uv Big Biz hizzelf, but I sune maid up my mind that thay wuz nuthin’ but the pade tools an’ vassels uv Big Business. AND THEN SOMEONE : MENTIONED THE LEAGUE We wended our way up the mountaln5 side "an’ finally reached Topaz Lake rite in the upper corner uv Crystial park an’ struck camp in a buteful Crafty’s Friends Get Some Facts By L B. RIPP, the Reporter This shot rung the bell.’ I seed the battle wuz goin’ to be on In a minnit an’ tried to avert it by givin' Stick a wink.. He tuck the hint an’ tried to - profit by it, I think, fur I seem him swaller 'an’ gulp at sumthin’ in hiz throat. Figgertively speakin, he screwed down the safety-first valve an’ az the sequel will show maid up hiz mind to keep hiz powder dry an’ wait till he cud see the whites uv thur ize, as it wur, so to speak. In a jiffy, or not to exceed a jiffy and a half, the enemy fired anuther shot. “Thay air all a seditious, unpatrio- tick-gang uv traitors,” went on the fat hed, lickin’ the Malt frum the black -stubble. At a time when everbody iz puttin’ patriotism abuve private prof-- its theze dam selfish farmers air de- . mandin’ that the guver'ment regulate the price ‘uv everthing as well as on wheat an' thus take all the joy outen ' grane gamblin’,” he koncluded. I looked at Stick an' he wuz pullin’ nervously at the bunch uv alfalfa on hiz chin an’ ever time hiz ize snapped I seed fire fly like sparks frum a short- circuted high-power electrick wire. I node rite then that the big show wood open rite away an’ I node furthermore ° that all the winkin’ an’ blinkin’ I cud do wood not stem the impendin’ clash. So I got a good holt on myself an’ pre- pared for the shock. STICK AT LAST CALLS THE BLUFF “That’s rite, that's rite,” assented the feller with the cucumber noze, openin’ up & new Malt bottle, “Whadda ye mean, traitors; whadda ye mean, seditious; whadda ye mean, unpatriotick,” exploded Stick, rizen to hiz feet an’ folden hiz arms- on hiz chest an’ breathin’ like a leedin’ lady in a wild an western pickchure play when the ‘villun iz about :to grab her an’ flea to the mountain fastness. “I mean’that the farmers uv the country haint dun their duty in buyin’ Liberty bonds an’ that thay're puttin’ a price on thur patriotism by demand- in’ that the guver-ment regulate prices “Don't git funny about it, er I'll knock you clean over the top o' Pike’s Peak” . grove uv aspen, balsum an’ red wood treeze, We fished, climbed mountains, smoked seegars, tole tales an’ had a grate time till we all got tired out. We never got no fish an’ all we got frum climbin’” mountians wuz skinned up shoes., -Along about two o’clock wun feiler got a glorious nibble an’ s0 we took hart an’ decided to stay all nite, . But about this time a incident happen- . ed that stands out in my memory like " & horn on a hippopotamous’s snout an’ I think will be standin’ out thar fur menny daze to cum. ! ' We wuz-all gettin’ around the camp, crackin’ “Malt bottles like fox-squirels crackin’ hickory nuts in the Ozarka. Then sum one sed sumthin’ about the war. All :-wnz .quiet on the ole Poto- mick fur a minit. Then he fired agin: I think the guverment shud taik up them Nonparteshun speekers, condemn ’em without trial an’. have ‘'em shot ' ‘with soft nozed bullets at the ded hour uv midnite,” exclaimed the round-hed- ed feller with the black stubble on hl.l upper lip. an’ that thay’re all helpin’ the kaizer to lick the United Staits,”—— “Lookey here, you unmitigated peace .uv worthless human dogmeet,” sed Stick, walkin’ around whur he wus settin’ on a Malt box an’ shakin' a horny fist under hiz cucumber noze, ‘Tm tellin’ ye that you don’t know a dodrotted thing about what you're talkin’ about. - You don't.” “Iz that s0?” ast the tater bug, with a sarcastick inflecshun. “Yes, by Heck that’s mso, an’ dom’t “you git funny about it or I'll knock you ‘clean over the top uv Pikes Peak; an’ 'disfigger you soze your master won’t ‘know you fur stx months, that's what : -T'll do' to you,” he koncluded while the ‘muscels in hiz arm swelled up az big as sweet taters in a roastin’ pah, “Who the devil air you\?" spluttered the feller pullin’ at hiz noze, - “That’s nun uy your dodrotted bis- ness who I am. Butnmdleu uv whe Il.mlknowwhstl‘mmkm about an’ Ieanteflthh-nthu’thafl.dlng-‘ \ ] 0 7 \ s % {i }"‘\‘ m ) Q’N \u\ l\l\ Np 'M‘ sF B \“\l\l “Then sumone sed somethin’ about war.” busted site morn'n you can do—even ‘ef you tried.” The tater bug looked sorter flattened out.an” Stick backed off = an’ 'made anuther drive that wuz calcilated to blow ‘him outen hiz trench. I looked at Crafty an’ he wuz boren’ me thru with hiz gimlet ize an’ I node at once that he wuz blamin’ me fur the hole thing. I didn’'t want to git in-bad an’ queer the whole game so I smiled a sorter knowin’ smile an’' tapped my- self on the forehed an’' give a sly wink in Stick’s directshun. Crafty purked up at once, looked relieved an’ prepar- ed to injoy the show. STICK DISCUSSES THE LIBERTY BONDS “Now listen to me an’ I'll impart to . you sum valuable informashun,” Stick wuz sayin’, az he stepped back an’ squared hizself for the orashun. “I want to say to you that the farmers uv this country iz the most patriotick class uv peeple in the na- shun. The guver'ment ' made a call fur a big crop, with no guarantee uv high prices. The farmers responded to that call to a man—to a woman, too. Thay even borrowed munny . for which thay air paying high interust in order to buy seed an’ hire labor to put in that big crop. An’ even admittin’' that the proportion uv them that bought Lib- erty bonds wuz not'az large as the proportion uv bankers an’ bizness men who bought ’em, I ast you which iz the most patriotick thing to do, to borrow munny at ten per cent to raize a big crop or to buy Liberty bonds that draws 4 per cent interest? Tell me that, Mr. Fatty!” “But thay'll git pade fur thur crops,” paried cucumber noze; “An’ so’ll the munishun maker git pade for hiz munishuns,” cum back Stick like a shot frum a 42-centimeeter. “Not only so but he’ll git pade big profits—the biggest profits he’'s ever got an’ that's a durn site more’'n the farmer’ll git—its morn’n he’s ever got. Not only so but the coal operators, the lumbermen, the steal trust an' all the rest uv the trusts will maik—indeed air maikin’ rite now—the biggest prof- its uy thur lives—an’ takin’ no chances, - either.” STICK TELLS THEM WHO THE HUNS ARE “Takin’ chances aginst the drouth, chances aginst the rust, against the hale, an’ also—no, he don’t taik no chances aginst the grane gambler— thar's no chance to that, that's a cinch.” He paused, and then—— “Jist a minnit, jist a minnit, thar, an’ wadit till I'm thru,” he sed, az Round- hed started to but in. *“AN we want’ iz what's rite, an’ that all uthers be maid to make the saim sacrifice we do. We're willin® to maik a sacrifice— anxious to maik a sacrifice in this the hour uv our country’s need,. an' wo - mafk it cheerfully, but what maiks us want to take our guns an’ start on the warpath—not agin’ the enemy acrost the see, but on the farmers’ enemies in our own land, is to have a lot uv profitteers runin’ around over the country callin’ us Huns, seditionists an’ traitors. The profit mongers an’ war-bride speculaters who have maid’ billions outen this turrible war—theze air the Hufis within our gaits, an’ thay haint no shadder Huns neither, I can tell you that.” Thay're regular Huns, whuther thay wuz born acrost the waters or rite here under the stars an’ stripes” - I cud see the breastwurks cavin’ In " an’ node the enemy wood be retreetin’ disorderly - purty sune. But it seams he wanted to try anuther shot. “But air you willin’ to let the presi- dent set the price on your farm prod- ucks,” he cum back, evidently tryin’ to git Stick to crlticlze the guver-ment. , : - PaeE NINE “Har, har, har!” roared Stick, with more sarcasm than amuzement. THE FARMERS' POSITION MADE CLEAR TO THEM “Wood we be willin' fur the presi- dent to—har, har, har! I shud say we wood; I shud say we wood. An’ that's a durn site more'n you fellers can say an’ tell the truth. Why, we'd think that wuz the graitest blessin’ that ever befell us. You see that's a pleasure we've never had until now. ‘We don't know how it wood feel to set the price ourselves—we've never had the pleasure, ef you pleze, az we've allus let the food ‘gamblers do that fur us. But all we air askin’ an’ demandin’ iz that the guver'ment go strate down the line an’ treat us all alike. Set the price on everything that iz necessary to win the war—an' set it so durned low that the nashun won't be smuther- ed with a big debt when the war iz over. Yes, we're willin’ that ennybody shud set the price—ennybody besides you fellers, We'll take ennything fur a change.” Stick stood towerin'ly above the bunch uv fat which sot sorter.squashed out on the Malt box lookin’ like a dela- pidated snow man in a hot sun. “An’ all the Nonparteshun Leeg iz fiten fur, Mr. Biznessman, iz fur the saim rites that you have. We've lurn- ed it frum the biznessmen. Thay've bin tellin’ us that farmin’ iz bizness an’ that farmers is biznessmen an' we've koncluded that we want to do bizness in a Dbiznesslike way. We've found that the bizness way to do bizness is to sell what you sell at a price based on the cost uv produckshun—at a price pluss all the elements uv cost. This means labor, inturrest on mortgages, inturrest on investment, wages fur wife an’ children, losses fur drouths, rust, hale an’ depreciashun—ever'thing. That's the way to do bizness—at a profit above all theze.” This silenced thur batteries, an’ Crafty thinkin’ the whole thing wuz a joke an’' thinkin' Stick wuz crazy, butted in at this time with the sug- gestshun that az the. fish wuzzent biten very good we had better go back to town. Fathed an’ Cucumber noze wuzzent in a very cheerful frame uv mind an’ seemed to be anxious to git. rid uv my frend Stick, so they agreed. ‘We loaded into the CracKerjack, with Stick an’ Crafty in the frunt seet an’ me an’ Fathed an’ Cucumber noze in the back seet. I wuz mity glad Crafty wuzzent much excited fur we had an awful steep hill to cum down an’ I didn't fancy enny more wild rides like we had once before. We maid the whole trip~without incident or aksident an’ In perfeck silence. Yours ‘trooly, ' RIPP, (To be continued in a subsequent issue.) GOOD FOR EVIL 2 Balaton, Minn. Editor Nonpartisan Leader: -A short time ago we had a large gathering in our school house at Cur- rant Lake for the benefit of the Red Cross. ' Among the speakers for the evening (without any invitation so far as I know) appeared our eminent Mr, Commercial Club of Slayton, which was one of the Instigators in stopping the farmers’' meeting at that place. However there were no rotten eggs, fire hose, nor tar and feathers in evi- dence here as had been resorted to in some towns against the farmers. Neither was he refused the right to speak, I wish to make this statement in the Leader so the people of this state will not get the impression through the presg or otherwise' that the farmers of Murray county are a gang of outlaws, but rather a high class of intelligent, law abiding, pa- triotic citizens. E. B. JOHNSON.