The Nonpartisan Leader Newspaper, August 30, 1917, Page 13

! THOUGHT OF THAT, HENRY? - This one-man submarine that Henry Ford proposes may be a good idea, but what we wonder is how in the dickens would a fellow get out to crank the darned thing. \ * * - CORN’S EARS BURNED . Speaking of Fords, a Kansas farmer used one to advantage in his harvesting. He drove a stripped Ford into his corn field and shock- ed all the corn. o » “Your honor,” said the prospective Juror, “I can not conscientiously serve in this case. I have a fixeéd opimion. One look at the face of the defendant, here, is enough to convince me of his guilt.” “Hush,” whispered the judge. is the state’s attorney.” * * » REALLY? NO, NEARLY President Ladd finds that real beer companies use near beer packages and ship one [ayer of real near beer near to one layer of near real beer and that is near to a layer of real beer. The real near beer is not nearly so real beer as the near real beer but the real real beer is not really near beer, so Bill Langer says. * P “That RINGS ON HIS FINGERS A Minnesota jeweler ad- vertises as follows: “Hav- ing bought out my. com- petitor I now have twenty- five diamond rings on my hands 12 SOME SPORT, THAT GUY! * * ES “How,” asks the ecritic, “could state or national ownership of public: utili- ties' change conditions? We would still be handling the same bunch of people that we are handling to- day. Changing the sys- tem does not change the man!” And the answer is that we have but little hopes of changing the man —we wish merely to better regulate -him. F’rinstance there are a nunber of peo- ple in the penitentiary food, some woolen socks and cheese? I'm sorry friend, but hang it all, we're out.of all of these. Yes, local trade has had a’' slump—the country town must die, when people charge their stuff at home and send their cash to Chi” * * * TWENTY YEARS. AGO You never heard of: Silos Aeroplanes Tin Lizzies Appendicitis Swatting the fly A safe and sane Fourth The rising cost of gasoline But The butcher “threw in’ a& chunk of Iiver - The hired girl drew one-fifty a week Cream cost only five cents a pint The young men ran “livery bills” Canteloupes were “mushmelons” Everybody drank milk shakes And ladies ware Bustles. » * * Hey diddle diddle, men, The Trusts and the Middlemen Boom prices up aver the moon. The farmer can’t laugh, but still has some hopes That his time is coming right saon.. ODE TO PROGRESS The stage coach long has yielded to the Limited Express; ‘‘Poor Richard”’ now is quoted on a big perfecting press; the flail is superseded by the cylinder machine, while poor old Dobbin trembles at the smell of gasoline; the mower and binder twitter, and they laugh in taunting glee at the rusting seythe and cradle in the farmer’s apple tree; the candle stick is dusty in the attie in the dark, while the parlor is illumined with a bright electric spark; ““Old Ironsides’’ looks with envy at the crusier on the dock, while time has cast a shadow o’er the quaint cld villago clock; If Paul Revere were living he could stand on Boston Square, and breathe his fiery message on the currents of the air; a modern Patrick Henry might recline at ease, alone, and address the proud assembly through a modern dictaphone; the Continent- al Congress, with its powder and its wigs, preseribed a gallows treatment for all larceny in pigs—but the way to win a toga of the modern Solon rank, is to steal a railroad system or a million -dollar bank! Self-denial —That quality which enables a man to run the old car another season, when he can see how shabby it looks by reflection in the shiny enamel on his neighbor’s new ane. * * » The quality of the 1917 wheat sam- ple is very good considering the fact that the seed sown was D-graded. * * * HOW THEY FEEL There are a few aditors in the state who feel that apen opposition to the League is poor policy, and yet How they hate to tolerate the presence of this farmers’ movement! They are in the position of Pat who was riding on the same horse with Mike—Mike ahead in the saddle, and Pat behind on the croup. Pat’s carefully guarded hint to Mike was as follows: ‘“Begorra, Ol ! I THAT’S THE WAY WITH SOME PEEPUL— l With beef at its present price “drive ing home the cows” has taken on a new touch of romance. * * * GOES TO UNCLE IKE “When a Man Comes to Himself” i the title of a recent book written by President Wilson. If the president had ever been dead broke he never would' have written on that subject—for a man who is broke goes to someone else. * * * MOST OF.US ARE SO BUSY MAK=- ING A LIVING THAT WE HAVE NO TIME TO USE THE LIVING AFTER WE GET 1T MADE. > * * * QOh, fill the rootbeer beaker, Brim the ice cream soda flagon, Make the lemon extract weaker, We are on the water wagon. * ¥ * SOME FINE WHEAT IN THE NORTHWEST THIS YEAR; SO FINE THAT YOU CAN'T SEE IT. ¥ * * % There was a time when Alec McKenzie’s initials were quite appropriate:— A. M., am. They would fit better now if they read like this:—W. A. S,, was! * * .k FRESH CHICKEN The inhabitants of the barnyard were discussing the best flavors of marma- lade: “By the way,” said the spring chicken, “what do you think of this new egg marma laid?” * * P The village opera house: Formerly a place where Republi- e AFTER USEING EVERY ~ TEST KNOWN TO SUEN 1 (AN SAfeLy SRY 'S A numAN whom the change of sys- tem from out door to in- door life has not changed —it has wonderfully regu- lated them, however! cans gathered to point: with pride, and where Democrats gathered to: view -with alarm; now: a place where Nonpar= 'ROF. T WanTTo Koow ExaCTLY WHAT THIS BiTIRE Box 1€4T 13 winiN MY POWER I WL TELL You IN ONE HOUR WwaIT WeRre WHY SENC TOo AFRKA FOR IWORY WHEN WE HAYE Sc Mok AT * * homeE | tisans gather to note THE WRONG JOSHUA with satisfaction, * * “Your name please?” o s * “ asked the attorney- John Bunyan’s mam “Joshua,” - answered the AL with a muck-rake, who colored prisoner at the bar. ’ could look mno way but “Are you the Joshua who made the sun stand still?” *No suh. I'ze de Joshua what made the moonshine *still!” » * $ STUCK, NOT ATTACHED “Are you attached to this country ?”” asked the strang- er, “is that why you plan on ‘staying?” “Not particularly,” said the farmes, *I'm not attached; my property is!” * » # FIGHTING COMPETITION “Why are you sad, dear middleman, your face is leaden gray, you do not stretch the welcome hand nor bid the time of day?” i “To tell the truth 'm mad as hops, Td like to leave the state; a half a car of catalogs came in today by freight. Though every bargain in the book is but a fairy tale, yet half my former customers now get their stuff by mail These would-be swells of Podunkville, the social froth and foam, all send their ‘cash away to Chi and charge their stuff at home. I've had to raise on prunes and shoes, on sugar white and brown, my profits must go up, you see, for sales are going down. I've always had a genius here, a long-haired win- dow trim, but since the “‘Wonder-books’ came out I've had to banish him. IX used to decorate and fuss—but that won't make them buy—the pictures in the ‘Romance-books’ now have the people’s eye. 1 once was long on glow- ing ads, a page or two a day, but folks now. read ‘Chicago myths’ and throw the ‘Times’ away. . “What do you wish? Some breakfast President Pennington, he Is head of the Sco line, hut Geel Bill Langer has Sooed hint, The farmers tabooed him— Penn wishes they'd Soo St. Maria. » » * Why worry about enforcing one meatless day a week? When we get to eating the giraffes and elephants from the zoos, it won’t be necessary to have any meatless day laws—and that will be soon enough if the war Eeeps up * * »* . And speaking of meatiess days again, why doesn’t congress declare afew? (Getit? “Meetless.” Pret- ty good, eh?) » * » CONGRESS® VARIATION OF IT— “MAKING THE WORLD SAFHE FOR PORK.” - x = : Owing to the over-productior of cab~ hage this year, food conservationists are urging the eating of more sauer- kraut by Americans. The questiom s, would that be patxiotic? * [’ L) A nrew mevement is always sus- picioned until it is found to run properly. In the matter of the League it is a new movement in an old case. ~—Drawn expressly for the Leader by “Billican” Pelave Oi could roide bether if wamn uv us would git off!™ ~ » » * Don’t be sore at the man who kicks: the bushel off of your candle;: tem ehances to one the blamed candle has: been out for years, anyway.. * * #* THIR BOARD OF REGENTS MAY ¥FIND PRESIDENT LADD TO BH A V¥ERY SEDATH MAN—ONE NOT BASILY MOVED, YOU KNOW! * “% * It is an easy matter for the mid~ dle aged editor to settle in his chair and criticise the poor duffer Be= tween the ages of 21 and 31. » # * ESPECIALLY THE BANKER The ability: that other people like most to see you possess: is the ability to pay your debts. \ * * * The regents: were not a whit hesitant, To bid for the scalp of the president; But old Prexie Ladd Kept the Job that he had,— Supported by every last resident. * ¥ *. Wait a minute, Brother Regents, it's a Iittle early in the season: to begin canning; things are not ripe for it in this state. % PAGE THIRTEEN downward,” would make an ideal guy to nurse a war garden. * % % & “FROM MAN TO MAN=- /’6‘% AGER” 1S A PRETTY FAIR SLOGAN. * * ok SWELL STUFF In most European coun- tries the 30 per cent “swell” in bread dough represents the baker’s profit ‘Why raige it? That baker already has & “swollen’” income.. * * * ‘With threshing in full blast the old line grain buyers are getting ready to make their next year’s Iiving. » * * THE PESSIMIST Though the sun i streaming fire— More than mortal would desire— There’s a pessimistic brother standw- ing nigh, And he's saying: “Though it's hot — Though it melts in every spot, “Phere’s a hotter time a-coming by and bys” That’s his way throughout the day, That’s his everlasting way, ‘When the heat is making wrinkles in the sky, . ‘When you swelter in the rays That’s the time he’s sure to raise: “There’s a hotter time: a-coming by and by.” * * * DISEASE UNDER CONTROL We are sorry to hear that Nicholas, ex-Czar of all the Rus=~ sians, is to be isolated, for we don’t belive that Czaring is contagious any- more. e e S 1 30