Lakeland Evening Telegram Newspaper, October 7, 1914, Page 8

$HOWTOMANAGE HUSBANDS: ° ° $ By JOSEPH BERNHARD. [ J 00000000000000000000000000 “When I write my book on ‘How to | Manage Husbands,’" serenely began the girl who likes to talk. Then the storm broke and she paused. “You haven't a husband!"” cried the bride. “That’'s why I'm entirely competent to handle the subject!” retorted the | girl who likes to talk. “Why, you can't manage a canary, let alone a man!” scoffed her sister. “I said ‘husband,’ not a mere ‘man,’” sweetly explained the girl who likes | to talk. “Any kind of man can be a man, but it takes a particular kind to be a husband. That's why so many | women make mistakes—they don’t ap- preciate the difference. They are ex- actly as foolish as the men who think any kind of fluffy-ruffles girl has in her the makings of an ideal cook and housekeeper ready to pop forth like the cap in a Christmas cracker! “Why, it's no more natural for one of these snaky, fascinating, almond- eyed sirens that men go crazy over to keep house than it is for every man | to like to dig ditches just because that's & man’s work! However, that | isn’t the point. “Naturally, any woman with sense will keep her iron hand concealed within her glove, but no matter how much she coos away in public about what ‘Jack says’ and how ‘Jack wants thie’ or ‘Jack wants that,’ she knows perfectly well that in reality she is ruling Jack with precision and dis- patch, and if she has had time enough he is jumping through hoops and lying down and rolling over in haste at the crack of the whip. “I don’t believe in the crushed mar- rled women you read about! Any woman has it in her power to make things so awfully uncomfortable for a man at home that if she lets him bully her she deserves it as a reward for her own stupidity. Of course there are eccentric men who under circumetances like these will shrug the theater and forget it, and then | friend wife loses the trick, but the, average man is lost outside his own, home and you couldn’t pry him away | it you tried. | “He is helpless in the hands of the | feminine enemy. He couldn’t find his| clean shirts to save his neck, and long, long ago he lost track of the! lair from which emerge his clean handkerchiefs and eocks. He has’ trustfully received them from the‘ hands of his wife for so many moons that he’d have to hire a detective agency if he had to search for them himself, do is stretch forth his hand and open the cupboard door in the bathroom, but he never does it. He cranes his neck over the stairs and shouts down reproachfully to his wife that therel apparently is not a towel in the house, and he pathetically wishes, if it is not ' too much trouble, that she would’ ascend the stairs and find one. He hates to bother her, of course, but he really must have a towel. “Then he stands more or less pa- tiently while she opens the cupboard door and bumps him in the nose with it and gets a towel and stuffs it into his hand. Perhaps, however, she tar- ries to wipe the back of her husband’s neck and ears for him, like one woman I know. “Why, I heard about a man who got married because he had millions of loving relatives and it drove him crazy buying presents for them at hol- iday time, and he knew that if he had a wife she would have to buy the pres: ' ents. Husbands shift all sorts of things upon their wives’ shoulders be- sides shopping. They make them do all the dinner calls and the letter writing and the charity work and the battling with house bills, and the in- vitation list, and if a woman is wise | she will submit to it. The secret is to make your husband so dependent : on you that he'd be lost without you, | and then he’ll be so scared at the idea ; of losing you that he'll let you do any | old thing you want to!"” { “I don't see anything very bright about that,” said the sister of the girl who llkes to talk. “In plain wordu,l make a slave of yourself in order to, boss your husband. Who comes out | situation. C not only get TOBACCO PENN’S Thick Natural Leaf TOBACCO | their shoulders and go to the club of As for towels, all he has to|" ! strands of pearls. ahead™ “I am sure,” said the bride, “I don’t have to manage Jim:. He is perfectly lovely to me and lets me have my own way in every—" “Oh, my book isn’t going to be writ- ten for cynics and little blind geese like you two,” explained the girl who likes to talk. “It’s for the women who realize that they've either got to man- age their husbands or die in the at- tempt. And mostly,” added the girl, | with a sigh, “they do!” “What?” asked the bride. “Die,” explained the girl who likes to talk, “still trying to learn!” KNOWS THE ART OF DRESS Whether in Street Costume or Evening Regalia, French Woman Is Never Fussy. The French woman of assured social position dislikes any mode that will link her with the demi-mondaine. She permits herself to view all the nov- elties that the couturiers have gath- ered for the new season. She is en- tertained, amused, perhaps a little tempted at times to swerve from the monotones in dress fabric and in, linings, but her innate sense of refine- ment and her horror of appearing as one of the untutored crowd, sar- torially speaking, save her from dress indiscretion. By day she is elegant to the last degree, as only the true Parisienne i can be, in sable hues; by night she is transformed into an exquisite but- terfly, her lithe figure lightly veiled in delicate gossamers of ethereal hues or brilliant in exotic chromatics. She is chary of jewels in the daytime, but in the'evening her nude shoulders and softly coiled coiffure are resplendent with diamonds or enriched with But whether in trotteur costume or in full evening | regalia, madame is never fyssy in her habiliments. In this respect the wom- en of other countries have much to learn Dainty Blouse. A dainty blouse of chiffon and lace shows two tiny artificial peaches, in- stead of the corsage, a little below the end of the front closing. The man who chews RED J gets absolutely the best 10-cent plug tobacco of this character in the world. Made of old and mellowed leaf—a tough and lasting chew. J PENN'S is guaranteed to be the best Natural Leaf Tobacco made — sweet, mellow and satisfying. Any dissatisfied customer can return it to any merchant, whom we hereby authorize to return his money. SOVEREIGN IGARETTES Remember, when you purchase value the greatest purchased by you creates the sale of a THE AMERICAN TOBACCO COMPANY The Perfect Tobacco For Pipe and Cigarette 66 BULL” DURHAM SMOKING TOBACCO pound of We will buy a pound of Cotton for every pound of Tobacco we sell We realize, with all the residents of the South, the present financial stringency due to the cotton We realize that the South must sell its cotton, and we will 4elp in the most practical way we know—by buying cotton. For every pound purchased of all of these famous, popular brands of tobacco and cigarettes (counting 1,000 cigarettes equal to five pounds of tobacco) we will buy from our dealers a pound of cotton at 10c, in accordance with our circular to dealers dated Sept. 28. We have faith in cotton. We know that when the war clouds roll away, the demand of the manufacturers for cotton throughout the world will be greater/than ever before, and the South will enjoy unpre- cedented prosperity. their own cigarettes use this world-famed tobacco. There s nootherlike it—none with such a wonderful, unique aroma and mellow, fresh fragrance. SOVEREIGN is the enthusiastic choice of the South in manufactured cigarettes. That wonderful flavor of Southern-grown, Old-Belt tobacco is the taste that South- ern smokers love — “Quality Tells.” any of the above brands, you for your money, but every pound cotton. TUXEDO is recognized as America’s favorite pipe tobacco— smoked and endorsed by thousands of famous Americans. sive ‘‘Tuxedo Process’ of making the finest Kentucky Burley leaf de- liciously mild and non-biting has never been successfully imitated. SIGNIFICANCE IN THE COLOR As a Matter of Fact, Just Why Should Marriage Certificates Be Printed in Green? “My dear Clarice,” I said, “I may, say, in the circumstances, my very dear Clarice, I like being engaged—tc you, that is; no, I've never been en-, gaged before—but I don’t see the sense of getting married. Even the state, seems to deride the idea of our union.” “What do you mean,?” said Clarice. “I'm almost alarmed. Have they dis- covered that you suffered from tooth- ache as a boy?” “It isn’t,” I said, “a question of eu- genics. I was getting & copy of my birth certificate today and—" “They surely didn’t say anything about our engagement. I didn’t sup- pose they even knew of it,” said Clar- ice. “Ill news travels apace,” I said. “But by the way, I was about to say that red is a noble color. It is a bold, a strik- ing color. A day on which a great event occurs is called a ‘red-letter day.’ Black, on the other hand, may mean nothing, or it may denote sadness.” “Why this going off at a tangent?” said Clarice. “Why this dissertation on colors?” “I say, that’s a good word—I mean that long one just near the end. Did you really learn it, or did you merely come by it? But, as I was saying, red is a color used for indicating notable events. The state considers a birth is a notable event. Birth certificates are printed in red.” “And death certificates,” saild Clar- ice, “in black, I suppose?” “Yes,” I sald, “a delicate hint that the state feels sad.” “And marriage certificates?” asked Clarice. “Ah!” 1 sald, “that’'s the strange thing. Nothing may be implied real- ly, but it is significant that they print them in—" “Purple?” said Clarice, eagerly. “Verdant green,” I said—Punch. The exclu- Millions of men who roll | BOLOTOHD : : Phone 46 THE ELECTRIC STORE 307 E. Main St. SPECIAL PRICES OM ELECTRIC FANS S EOCHE K B OB L T & 3 you can save money— see our window QbR T-Eu B u ORI LH Ficrida Electric and Machnery (g T : : : BOTH MATINGS Better now than ever b High class breeding bird reasonable prices. Fggs high class pens for hatching, Write me before ordering f where, H. L. KELLEY,3Griffin. B B0 CHE0NE 00 IO ECH P FHOEBCH BRSO AT O ERCEEAOE SR B DL B Painting Agents Sherwin-Williams Paint ; % PHONE 384 213 Son. Ky. Avj® g dmsaniint n sl el ettt Sl 2ot Tt T et B Y _A recent investigation proved that the loan value of 1} painted house is 22 per cent. more than if it were no painted. Our stock includes a finish for every purpose from foundation to roof. 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