Grand Rapids Herald-Review Newspaper, June 30, 1909, Page 6

And How Characters—King George, Washing- ton, the American. Boy, the Goddess. of Liberty. (Washington and King George enter arm in arm from center.) WASHINGTON. Most noble liege and mighty king, The colonies to you now cling With fond allegiance, and. we pray To live beneath your royal sway. No better monarch, sire, than you E’re reigned o’er people tried and true. 4 We're ever loyal, I give my word, To you, illustrious George the Third. KING GEORGE. Thanks, thanks, most nobie Washing- ton. I’m glad the people’s hearts I’ve won— I’m glad contentment now doth reign From Florida to pine-clad Maine; I'm glad the people are not bent On change and want new government. WASHINGTON. New government, oh, no, great sire! No government do we require H But yours, and we allegiance. give And crave ‘neath Britain’s flag to live In happiness for ever mere, With you, great king, to lord it o’er Old England and New England, too. KING GEORG# (sadly). , Thanks, thanks, but, ah! ’twill never do. WASHINGTON, What ails my liege, your cheeks turn pale, Your words in deep emotion fail; Some burden’s on your noble heart! KING GEORGE. The colonies and I—must: part! WASHINGTON (deeply agitated). Must part! mean? We, who are happy and serene, While we have you, our king, to love And Britain’s flag to wave above; Why must we part? I lose my breath; Great king, you have scared me half to death, Speak! speak! my liege, that I may glean Some ray of hope. What do you mean? KING GEORGE. Ah, Washington, my noble friend, "Tis sad to think my reign must end Upon this continent, but so The fates have wilted, and I must go! WASHINGTON. break my heart, see how I} grieve? What secret have you up your sleeve? Some awful weight preys on your mind. Explain, oh, sire! don’t be unkind! Tell me, great king, what does this mean? want no other king or queen you and ske, your royal spouse. | KING GEORGE. | You We Sut To swift revolt you must arouse The colonies at once, WASHINGTON, And why Must we revolt, who’re loyal, and die? V must grim bloodshed’s gory stain Besmirch fair valley, hill and plain? Why must we fight? (The American boy rushes on center. | He boy is a typical twentieth century full of life, dash and vigor.) AMERICAN BOY. I'll tell you wky: If you don’t we'll have no Fourth of j July. I am the great American boy, | That sprite cf palpitating joy; And I demand—mind, no excuse— One day a vear to turn things loose; One day to let the fireworks off, One day to make the old cat cough, And watch her o’er the fence top sail, With strings of crackers at her tail; I want a day to shriek and shout And blow myself clean inside out; I want a day to work off steam And hear the American eagle scream; A day to let old Europe know, That our band wagon-heads the show; A day of grand hilarious mirth, When Uncle: Sam owns.all the earth; A day when’ Europe looks amazed And all creation sits back dazed; A day when smaill boys rule the world And brave Old Glpry’swings unfurled— Defiance breathinX.to. the spheres, And I, bereft of nase and ears, Sing Yankee Doodle,\ Doodle Doo! \ THE GLORIOUS FOURTH Ob, king, what do you; | Then stand disgraced, We Got It, ~ WASHINGTON: Where are you from, sweet youth so coy? AMERICAN BOY. I am the twentieth century boy, And down the years I’ve come post haste To tell you both you'll be disgraced Forever in our boyish eyes If you don’t fight; so if you're. wise, Great Washington, King George you'll take And mincemeat of that monarch make. And if you don’t, take this from me, There will be no Washington, D. C. No statues soaring to your name, No songs triumphant to proclaim. You, father of your country grand, The ide] of your native land, These awful things will happen if You don’t give old King George a biff. V'll have no chance to lose an eye And walk around three fingers shy, And Chinese union fireworks packers Will strike if they can’t sell their crackers. Come, boys; come, boys, from every- where. (Boys rush on and encircle stage.) Oh, join me in this fervent prayer To this, our hero Washington, To give us just one day of fun! One day of wild, hilarious mirth, The greatest day for boys on earth. Great Washington, quick, make reply, Do we get our Fourth of July? (Washington, in deep distress, gazes at the floor, sighs deeply, as King George takes his.arm.) KING GEORGE. You see, my friend, what they re- quire. WASHINGTON, Oh, yes, I see it, noble sire. But, oh, it grieves my inmost soul To think that martial drums must roll, And midst the cannon’s deadly roars You're headlong pitched from off these shores, And just because these horrid boys ‘Want some excuse to make a noise. Ana tho’ the nation’s blood may boil, “to chew its thumb. (Groans.) T’ll smash the trusts and Standard Oil. No American girl shall wed a lord; All tramps must wash and pay their board. (Loud cries of “Shame!” from the boys.) Tll abolish, though my great ‘throne quakes, Popcorn, candy and buckwheat cakes. And to cap it all, you wretched crea- tures; I'll abolish Jersey’s fierce mos’keeters, WASHINGTON (fighting mad). You sha’n’t! KING GEORGE. I sha’n’t? I say I will! WASHINGTON. Then be prepared for Bunker Hill. Pumpkin pie, that you can stop, Pork ead beans from menus drop, Buckwheat cakes and biscuits, they Can be abolished right away. Turkeys, cranb’ries, you can banish, Thumbs from babies’ mouths can van- ish, But I'll spoil all your kingly features, If you monkey with New Jersey’s ’skeeters. Those noble birds of freedom they, Unchained upon baldheads must play, For if you stopped their funny capers, There’d be no jokes in Sunday papers. They’re our greatest, grandest institu- tion, The bulwark of our Constitution. To banish beans, great king, ’s all right, But touch the ’skeeters and I fight, (Boys cheer lustily as Washington takes off his coat for action.) KING GEORGE. Thank heaven, I’ve made. him mad at last! WASHINGTON. To nail “Old Glory” to the mast And know ye all that now I sever Old England from the “new” forever. KING GEORGE (in fighting attire). Quit parleying and come to blows. ~ (Boys cheer as Washington taps King George on the nose.) WASHINGTON. There’s one jiu jitsu on the nose! KING GEORGE. My cause is lost, I’m licked, I’m done! ) a ie KING GEORGE. I know, old friend, it does seem tough. AMERICAN BOY. It’s time to fight; you’ve talked enough. WASHINGTON. I will not fight. AMERICAN BOY. Your name from school erased. New York a Washington arch won't boast, No Sousa’s band to play “Washington Post,” And that story of the hatchet, see, Where you cut down the cherry tree, We won't believe you told your pa. | We'll swear you told a fib. Ha! Ha! (Boys all laugh derisively.) WASHINGTON (indignantly). You'll tell the world I told a lie? AMERICAN BOYS. Unless we get the “Fourth” of July. WASHINGTON. Iwill not be intimidated. KING GEORGE. Now, boys, you’ve got him animated, Leave him to me, I’ll make him fight. I've got a scheme, just watch him | bite, | He'll get so mad, he'll fairly choke, And then off goes my kingly yoke. T'll put a tax on Lipton’s tea (all Yes! | groan), | All Yankees now my slaves shall be. | I'll grant you not the least concession, | But grind you down with fierce op- pression. Boston shall have no pork and beans, No literary bell boys or auto ma- chines (groans). Tammany Hall shall be demolished, Cranberry sauce at once abolished And turkey, too, as I’m a sinner, Shall never grace Thanksgiving din- ner (groans), Pumpkin pie, and, J >epeat it. } | WASHINGTON. America’s free; hurrah, I’ve won! (Goddess of Liberty, from Liberty | Island, enters center.) GODDESS OF LIBERTY. Immortal George, forever glorious, I crown you in your hour victorious; *Twas not for liberty you fought, And splendid deeds of valor wrought; tooka be | But for a nobler purpose you Have fought and bled— BOYS. Hurrah! Hurroo! GODDESS OF LIBERTY. You knew that boyhood one day needed For joyous mirth; their cry you heeded! You’ve been a boy and took compas- sion On them and brought the “Fourth” in fashion. KING GEORGE. In my steamer trunk [ll put my crown, And hustle back to London town; Farewell to all, so glad you're ’appy, I’m going ’ome to be a chappie; I'll send a wireless from Southampton, And tell the Times how I’ve been tramped on. WASHINGTON. (Shakes King George’s hand.) Ta! Ta! George, so sorry to lose you. BOYS. ‘We wanted the “Fourth.” WASHINGTON-KING GEORGE. We couldn't refuse you. WASHINGTON, Proclaim this fact from tower and steeple, I only fought to please young people; King George’s head I had to cracket, Just so the “kids” could raise a racket; And incidentally, know all creatures, I fought to save the Jersey ’skeeters; So, know ye ail, South, East, West, ’ North, i've ca these facts all in our noodles? ALL. We have! GODDESS OF LIBERTY. Then let’s sing “Yankee Doodle, Doo- dies.” ‘ (All sing “Yankee Doodle’ as Lib- erty takes Washington’s hand. King George, with trunk, exits left. Cheers and curtain.) ST. JOHN OF KANSAS BLED. Former Governor of Kansas Falls an Easy Prey to a Sharper. John P. St. John, former governor of Kansas, won the brand of the “easy mark” when he “fell” for the game of a confidence man on the Rock Island train between Wichita and Topeka. As a result he is $40 poorer in really perfectly good money. and much richer in actual experience. Mr. St. John was seated in the chair car watching the landscape when a much perturbed and hatless man entered. The hatless man dropped into a seat beside the governor. “I was told,” he said, “that I could buy a money order on the train. Now I find that I cannot. I don’t know what I am going to do. I must send this money to my sister, and I have only a big bunch of small bills. It won’t do to put them in an envelope.” Goy. St. John rose to the bait just as if he had never braved the dangers of such great cities as Topeka and Wichita, “T can let you Lave two twenties,” he said. The offer was accepted. Mr. St. John produced the two twenties and the stranger handed over a roll. See- ing that he was dealing with a stran- ger, Mr. St. John carefully counted the contents of the roll. He found that it contained seven $1 bills and one $5 bill. “You have a _ mistake,” he said. “There is not enough money here.” The stranger, who in the meantime had placed the two twenties in an en- velope and sealed it, was all apolo- gies. “That’s a joke on my wife,” he ex- plained. “She gave me that roll and told me that there was $40 in it. Here, youjust hold this envelope while I go back and get the rest of | the money.” The governor put the envelope in his pocket and resumed his study of {the landscape. Finally he bethought him that the stranger had never come back. Then Mr. St. John opened the envelope. It contained only two pieces of tissue paper. Be Sure You Are Right. “Bill had charge of the animal tent,” said .Mr, Ringling, “and among his pets was a leopard. This leopard gave Bill more trouble than all the rest of the menagerie put together. “One day when I had left the show on some advance business a telegram was handed to me. It was from Bill and read: The leopard has escaped. What shall I do?” “That was just like Bill. want to make a mistake. “I immediately wired back to Bill: ‘Shoot him on the spot.’ Two hours Jater I received another telegram from conscientious, careful Bill: ‘Which spot?” a He didn’t A Declaration, “Thank you, Uncie, but I’ve got be- yond those things as a evhicle for patriotic emotions.’ “You have! May I ask what the preper vehicle is now?” “Well, a twenty-l hofnepower: run- about might do.” Did you ever hear the story of Fizz- Bang park? Well, if you haven’t heard it, pray lend your ears and hark. Now once tkere was a city, but never mind where, And the mayor he was old enough to have gray hair, He had a little bald spot in the mid- dle of his pate, His brow was somewhat furrowed with grave affairs of state— Bue he had a heart as Lappy as when he was a boy, And the thought of Independence day aroused his youthful joy. He rubhed his hands and chuckled, and stroked his trim goatee; “We'll have a celebration that will ‘take the cake,’” quoth he; “There shall be heaps of powder burned, and every bell shall ring, “And there shall be a grand _ parade, and all that sort of thing, “A great address, a big balloon, and fireworks galore; “It shall be such a jolly time as ne’er was known before.” But while he gayly planned it a dele gation came, And said they thought that it would be a very wicked shame To let the town be given up to such outrageous noise, And make sick people suffer for a lot of selfish boys. Year after year the glorious Fourth had been a time of dread, They thought that he should institute a great reform, they said. “Besides,” said they, “our young folk are growing rude and wild; 'T is seldom ,nowadays, one finds a well-conducted child. don’t say ‘please’ or ‘thank you’ or ‘sir’ or ‘ma’am’ at all; seem to think politeness is fol-de-rol. better spend the money waste in senseless noise They They only We'd we On a School of Good Behavior for all cur girls and boys.” CUT FIVE The poor young-hearted mayor was very sad indeed. “Tis true,” he said, have rights which all heed, And, also, that good manners the rule is clear; And yet I think these worthy folk are just a bit severe, “that sick folk should are not There would have been no Fourth at all, for either men or boys If our forefathers had not been the kind that made a noise.” So then, outside the city, the mayor bought some land, And there the most delightful park you ever heard of planned. ei i A i aan +t i na ¢ ALLER “It is so far from town,” he said she shall not mind the din; \ “Upon the Fourth our girls and boys shall there be gathered in. “Lets’ hurry up and lay it out, and call it Fizz Bang park; “And Independence Day shall be an educational lark.” MOURNERS WERE HER VICTIMS. In Garb of Woe She Attended Funer- als and Robbed the Sorrowing. Originally arrested on a charge of drunkenness, a woman who says she is Annie Allen, sometimes of Camden, Gloucester and Philadelphia, was ar- raigned before Magistrate Gallagher in the Twentieth district police sta- tion on suspicion of being a “funeral thief” who has. been much sought by the authorities, says the Philadelphia Record. When taken into custody at the Broad street station the woman carried a small hand bag, which on being searched was found to contain more than seventy pawn tickets, to- gether with black veils and other mourning apparel, which the police say she used in attending funerals as a professional “mourner.” The pawn tickets found in her pos- session bore the names of twenty- four different pawnbrokers with places of business in all sections of the city. Many complaints have been received from houses of mourning where petty robberies have been committed while the services were in progress, and the police say the woman now in custody admits that she has pu- on her black veil. and mourning raiment and attended funer- als for the purpose of robbery. Pend- ing furtker investigation of her career and to give the police time to find out the owners of some of the articles called for on the pawn tickets found in her possession, the accused was held in $500 bail for a further hearing. THE GUNPOWDER PLOT. THE USEFUL SWALLOWS. Light Cavalry of the Avian Army and the Friends of the Farmer. From the standpoint of the farmer and the orchardist perhaps no birds more useful than the swallows exist. They have been des bed as the ligkt cavalry of the avian army. Specially adapted for flight and un- excelled in aerial evolutions, they have few rivals in the art of capturing insects in midair. They eat nothing of value to man except a few pre- daceous wasps and bugs, and in re- turn for their services in destroying vast numbers of noxious insects ask only for harborage and protection. It is to the fact that they capture their prey on the wing that their pe- culiar value to the cotton grower is due. Orioles do royal service in catching weevils on the the bolls, and blackbirds, wrens, flycatchers and oth- ers contribute to the good work, but when swallows are migrating over the cotton fields they find the weevils flying in the open and wage active war against them. As many as forty- seven adult weevils have been found in the stomach of a single cliff swal- low.—Bulletin of the Department of Agriculture. Chicks That Never Returned. “Yes,” said the suburbanite as he wielded a hoe. “I’m fond of poultry dinners.” “Then it’s a wonder you don’t raise chickens instead of flowers,” remark- ed the mutual friend. “Oh, what’s the use? My neighbors raise the chickens.” The Cause of War. The fair young debutante was sur- rounded by an admiring crowd of off ners at the colonel’s ball. Mamma was standing near by, smiling com- placently at her daughter’s social suc- cess. The discussion was over the quarrel of the day before between two brother officers. “What was the casus-belli?” asked the fair debutante. “Maud,” exclaimed mamma in a shocked voice, “how often have I told you to say stomach?” Pat on Baptism. Pat, who was noted for a quick tongue, was digging potatoes when the parish priest came by. By way of a pleasant salutation the priest said: “Good morning’ to ye, Pat, and ; What kind of p’rtatoes are ye diggin’?” “Raw ones, your riv’rince.” “Och, ye’re so smart. I'll just give !ye a question on the catechism. What is baptism?” “It used to be four shillin’s afore ye came, but now it’s twenty shillin’s.”