Grand Rapids Herald-Review Newspaper, August 9, 1902, Page 6

By Fred mM. White CHAPTER XXXI. Bell Arrives. ‘There were more sides to the mystery than David Steel imagined. It had seemed to him that he had pretty well all the threads in his hands, but he would have been astonished to know how much more Hatherly Beil and Enid Hensvun could have told him. But it seemed to Bell that there was one very important thing to be done before he proceeded any farther. He was interested in the mystery as he was interested in anything where crime and cunning played a part. But he was «till more intent upon clearing his ood name; besides, this would give ‘aim a wider field of action. In the light of recent discoveries it ‘ad become imperative that he should once more be on good terms with Lord Littimer. Only this was accom- plished, Bell saw his way to the clear- ing up of the whole complication. It was a great advantage to know who his enemy was; it was a still greater advantage to discover that the hero of the cigar czse and the victim of the outrage in Steel’s conservatory was the graceless scamp Van Sneck, the picture dealer, who had originally sold “The Crimson Blind” to Lord Littimer. It was all falling out beautifully. Not enly had Van Sneck turned up in the nick of time, but he was not in a posi- tion to do any further mischief. It suited Bell exactly that Van Sneck should be hors de combat for the moment. The first thing to be done was to see Lord Littimer without delay. Bell had no idea of humbly soliciting an inter- view. He proceeded to a_ telegraph office the first thing the following morning and wired Littimer to the effect that he must see him on import- ant business. He had an hour or two at his disposal, so he took a cab as far es Downend Terrace. He found Steel glug-hunting in the conservatory, the @tmostphere of which was blue with cigarette smoke. “So you are not working this morn- fing?” he asked. “How the dickens can I work?” David exclaimed, irritably. “‘Not that I haven't been trying. I might just as well take a long holiday till this mys- tery is cleared up for all the good I ain. What is the next move?” “My next move is to go to Littimer nd convince him that he has done me @ great wrong. I am bound to have Littimer’s ear once more.” “You are going to show him the spare Rembrandt, eh?” “That's it. I flatter myself I shall astonish him. I've sent a telegram 10 say I'm coming to-day, after which T shall proceed to storm the citadel. I feel all the safer because nobody knows I have the engraving.” “My dear chap, somebody knows you | fhave the picture.” “Tmp i Bell exclaimed. “Only yourself and Enid Henson can possl- bly be aware that——” “All the same, I am speaking the truth,” David said. “Last night when you went into the hospital you gave me the print to take care of. At the same time I noticed a rough-looking man presumedly asleep on the seat in the road facing the hospital. After-} wards when I looked around jhe had disappeared. At the time I &hought rcthing of it. When I came in here Z placed the precious roll of paper on my writing table under the window yonder. The window is a small one, @s you can see, and was opened about @ foot at the top. I sat here with the light down and the room faintly illum- “mated by the light in the conservatory. After a little I saw a hand and arm groping for something on the table, and I'm quite sure the hand and arm were groping for your Rembrandt. The fellow muttered something that I failed to understand, and I made a grab for him and got him. Then the the hand made a dash for my head with an ugly piece of gas-piping, and I had to let go.” “And you saw no more of the fel- tow?” “No; I didn’t expect to. I couldn't gee his face, but there was one peculi- erity he had that I might tell you for your future guidance. He had a thumb mashedias flat as the head of a snake, with one tiny pink in the middle of it. So, if you meet a man like that on your fourney to-day, look to yourself. On the whole, you see, that our enemies ere a little more awake than you give them credit for.” Bell nodded., thoughtfully. The in- formation was of the greatest possible value to him. It told him quite plainly that Reginald Henson knew exactly what had happened. Under ordinary <ircumstances, by this time Henson would be on his way to Littimer Castle, there to checkmate the man he had so deeply injured. But, fortunately, Hen- eon was laid by the heels, or so Bell im- agined. “I am really obliged to you,” Bell aid. “Your information is likely té be of the greatest possible service to ‘me. I am sorry you can’t work.” “Don’t worry about me,” David said, grimly. “I’m gaining a vast quantity -of experience that will be of the greai- -est value to me later on. Besides, I can go and compare notes with Miss Ruth Gates while you are away. She is soothing.” “So I shoudd imagine,” Bell said, dri- ly. “No, I must be off. I'll let you know what happens at Littimer Castle. Good luck to you here.” And Bell bustled off. He was pleased to find a recent telegram of acceptance from Littimer awaiting him, and be- fore 5 o'clock he was on the train for ‘London, It.was only after he left Lon- «Gon that he began to crawl along. “Thanks to slow local lines and a badly- Mitting cross-service, it was nearly 11 saclock before he reached Moreton Sta- ‘know nothing whatever about it. On the whole, I had better drive up to the house. Hw familiar it all looks, to be mare.) ‘ A minute later and Bell stood within the walls of the castle. tn) 4 CHAPTER XXXII. How the Scheme Worked Ont. Chris crossed the corridor like one who walks in her sle2p. She had noz enough energy left to be astonished, even. Her mind traveled quickly over the events of the past hour, and she be- gan to see the way clear. But how had somebody or other managed to remove the picture? Chris examined the spot on the wall where the Rembrandt had been with the eye of a detective. That part of the mystery was ex- plained ina moment. A sharp, cutting instrument, probably a pair of steel pliers with a lever attachment, had been applied to the head of the four stays, and the flat heads had been punched off as clean as if they had been string. After that it was merely ne- cessary to remove the frame, and a child could have done the rest, “How clever I am,” she told herself, bitterly. ‘I'm like the astute people who put Chubb locks on Russia leather jewel cases that anybody could rip open with a six-penny knife. And in my conceit I deemed the Rembrandt in It did not matter much, because carriage tion. Littimer had said that a should meet him. However, there was no conveyance of any kind outside the station. One sleepy porter had alréady departed, and the other one, who took Bell’s ticket and was obviously waiting to lock up, dcposed that a carriage from the cas- tle had come to the station, but that seme clerical gentleman had come along ani countermanded it. Where- uron the log-cart had departed. “Very strange,” Bell muttered, ‘What sort of a parson was it?” “I only just saw his face,” the porter yawned. “Dressed in black, with a white tie and a straw hat. Walked in a slouching kind of way, with his hands down; new curate from St. Albans, perhaps. Looked like a chap as could be absolutely safe. Now what—what is ta’ce care of himself in a row.” the game?” | “Thanks,” Bell said, curtly. “I'll It was much easier to ask the ques- manage the walk; it’s only two miles. tion than to answer it. But there were Good-night.” some facts sufficiently obvious to Chris. In the first place, she knew that Regi- nald Henson was at the bottom of the whole thing; she knew that he had traded on the fact that she had taken a fancy to the terrace as an after-dinner Jounge; indeed, she had told him so earlier in the day. He had traded on the knowledge that he could prove an alibi if any suspicions attached to him. The fact that he was in danger owing to a slip on the edge of the cliff was all nonsense. He had not been in any dan- ger at all; he had seen Chris there, and he had made all that parade with an eye to the future. As a matter of course, he was down there settling mat- ters with his accomplice of the maimed thumb, who had chosen the cliff way of getting ‘nto the castle as the swiftest and the surest from detection. Yes; It was pretty obvious that the man with the thumb had stolen the print, and that by this time he was far away with his possession. While Chris was helping Henson the latter's accom- plice slipped into the castle and effected the burglary. Chris flicked out the light in the alcove as a servant came along. It was not policy for any of the domes- tics to be too wise. Chris forced a smile to her face as the maid came along. “Allen,” she asked, “are there any owls about here?” “Never a one as I know, miss,” the maid responded, confidently. “T’'ve Leen here for eleven years, and I never heard of such a thigg. Clifford, the head keeper, couldn’t Sleep at nights if he thought as there was such a thing on the estate. Have you heard one, miss?” “I was evidently mistaken,” Chris said.. “Of course you would know best.” So the cry of the owl had been a sig- nal of success. Chris sat in the gloom there, resolved to see the comedy played through. The events of the night were not yet over. “I'd give something to know what has taken place in the dining room,” Chris murmured, She was going to know before long. The lights were being extinguished all Bell’s face was grim and set as he stepped out into the road. He knew fairly well what this meant. It was’ pretty evident that his arch-enemy knew his movements perfectly well, and that a vigorous attempt was being made to prevent him reaching the cas- tle. He called back to the porter: “How long since the carriage went?” he asked. A voice from the darkness said “Ten minutes,” and Bell trudged along with the knowledge that one of his enemies, at least, was close at hand. That Reg- inald Henson was at the castle he had not the remotest idea. Nor did he fear rersonal violence. Despite his figure, he was a man of enormous strength and ccurage. But he had not long to wait. Somebody was coming down the lone- ly road towards him, somebody in cler- ical attire. The stranger stopped and politely, if a little huskily, inquired if he was on the right way to Moreton Station. Bell answered, as politely, that he was, and asked to know the time. Not that he cared anything about the time; what he really wanted was to se2 the stranger’s hands. The little ruse was successful. In the dim light Bell could see a flattened, hideous thumb with the pink parody of a nail upon it. “Thanks, very much,” he said, crisp- ly. “Keep straight on.” He half turned as the stranger swung round. The latter darted at Bell, but he came too late. Bell's fist shot out and caught him fairly on the forehead. Then the stick in Bell’s left hand came down with crushing force on the prostrate man’s skull. So ut- terly dazed and surprised was he that he lay on the ground for a moment, ranting heavily. “You murdereus ruffan!” Bell ex- claimed. “You escaped convict in an honest man’s clothes, Get up! So you are the fellow—” He paused, suddenly, undesirous of letting the rascal see that he knew too reuch. The other man rolled over sud- dwenly, like a cat and made a dash for a gap in the hedge. He was gone like a flash. Pursuit would be useless, for | over the house. Henson came up to pace was not Bell's strong point. And | ped heavily, as one who is utterly worn he was not fearful of being attacked | out, At the same time he looked per- again. fectly satisfied with himself. He might “Henson seems to be pretty well| have been a vigilant officer who had served,” he muttered, grimly. settled all his plans and was going to Meanwhile, the man with the thumb | seek a well-earned rest the enemy was flying over the fields in the direc- | came on to his destruction. In sooth tion of Littimer. He made his way | Henson was utterly worn out. He had taxed his strength to the uttermost, but he was free to rest now. Meanwhile, the conference in the din- ing-room proceeded. Lord Littimer had received his guest with frigid polite- ness, to which Bell had responded with an equally cold courtesy. Littimer laid his cigar aside and looked Bell steadily in the face. “I have granted your request against my better judgment,” he said. “I am not sanguine that the least possible good can come of it. But I have quite grown out of all my allusions; I have seen the impossible proved too often. Will you take anything?” “I hope to do so presently,” Bell said, pointedly; “but not yet. In the first instance I have to prove to you that I have not stolen your Rembrandt.” “Indeed? I should like to know how you propose to do that.” % “I shall prove it at once. You were under the impression that you pos- sessed the only copy of the ‘Crimson Blind’ in existence. When you lost yours and-a copy of the picture was found in my possession, you were per- fectly justified in believing that I was the thief.” “T did take that extreme view of the matter,” Littimer said, drily. “Under the circumstances, I should have done the same thing. But you were absolutely wrong, because there were two copies of the picture. Yours was stolen by an enemy of mine who had the most urgent reasons for dis- crediting me in your eyes, and the other was concealed amongst my be- longings. It was no loss to the thief, ecause subsequently the stolen one— my own being restored to you—could across country to the cliffs with the as- sured air of one who knows every inch of the ground. He had failed in the first part of his instructions, and there was no time to be lost if he was to car- ry out the second part successfully. He struck the cliffs at length a mile or so away, and proceeded to scramble elong them until he lay hidden just un- der the terraces of Littimer Castle. He krew that he was in time for this part of the program, despite the fact that his head ached considerably from the force and vigor of Bell’s assault. He lay there, panting and breathing heavi- ly, waiting for the signal to come. Meanwhile, Bell was jogging along placidly and with no fear in his heart at all. He did not need anybody to tell him what was the object of his late an- tagonist’s attack. He knew perfectly well that if the ruffian had got the bet- ter of him he would never have seen the Rembrandt again. Henson’s hounds were on the track; but it would go hard if they pulled the quarry down just as the sanctuary was in sight. Presently Bell could see the lights of the castle. By the lodge gates stood a dog-cart; in the flare of the lamps Bell recognized the features of the driver, a very old servant of Littimer’s. Bell took in the situation at a glance. “Is this the way you come for me, Lund?” he asked. “I'm very sorry, sir,” Lund replied. “But a clergyman rear the station said you had gone another way, so I turned back. Ahd when I got here I couldn't riake top nor tail of the story. Blest if I wasn’t a bit nervous that it might have been some plan to rob you. And I was going to drive slowly along to the station again when you turned up?” “Oh, *here’s nothing wrong,” said Bell, cheerily. “And I den’t look as if have been exposed and disposed of as a new find. Your print is in the house?” “Tt hangs in the gallery at the pres- I had come to any harm. Anybody | ent moment.’ staying at the castle, Lund?” “Very good. Then, my lord, what do “Only Mr. Reginald Henson, sir,” | you scy to this?” Bell took the roll of paper from his Bell started, but his emotion was lost| pocket and gravely flattened it out on in the darkness. It came as a great| the table before him, so that the full surprise to him to find that his enemy | rays of the electric light should fall was actually in_the field. And how ap- | uron it. Littimer was a fine study of prehensive of danger he must be to | open-mouthed surprise. He could only come so far, with his health in so shat-| stand there gaping, touching the tered a condition. Bell smiled to him-| stained paper with his fingers and self as he pictured Henson's face on | breathing heavily. Fi seeing him once more under that roof.| “Here ‘s a facsimile of your treas- “How long has Mr. Henson been | ure,” Bell went on. “Here ig the same here?” he asked. thing. You are a good judge on these “Only came yesteréay, sir. Shall I | matters, and I venture to say you will drive you up to the house? And if you | cell it geauine. There is of | wouldn't mind saying nothing to his | forgery about the engraving.” ‘ lordship about my mistake, sir—" “Good heavens, no!” Littimer snapped. “Make your mind easy on that score,” | “Any fool see that.” ©. Bell said, drily. “His lordship shall] ‘Which you will admit isa very great i oe : R Hoke te * * + es Lund said, disparagingly. point{in my favor,” Bell said gravely. “I {begin to think that I have done great injustice,” Littimer admit- “but, under the circumstances, I don’t see how I could have done any- thing else. Look at that picture. It is exactly the same as mine. There is exactly the same discoloration in the margin in the exactly the same place.” ‘Probably they lay flat on the top cf one another for scores of years.” “Possibly. I can’t see the slighest difference in the smallest particular. Even now I cannot rid myself of the feeling that I am the victim of some kind of plot or delusion. The house is quiet now and there is nobody about. Before I believe the evidence of my senses—and I have had cause to doubt them more than once—I should like to compare this print with mine. Will you follow me to the gallery if you haven't forgotten the way?” Littimer took up the treasure from the table gingerly. He was pleased and at the same time disappointed; pleased to find that he had been mis- taken all these years, sorry in the knowledge that his picture was unique no longer. He said nothing until the alcove was reached and Chris drew back in the shadow to let the others pass. “Now to settle the question for all time,” Littimer said. ‘Will you be so good as to turn on the electric light? You will find the switch in the angle of the wall on your right. And when we have settled the affair and I have apologized to you in due form, you shall command my services an@é my purse to right the wrong. If it costs me £10,000 the man who has done this thing shall suffer. Please to put up the light, Bell.” Chris listened breathlessly. She was not quite certain what she was about to see. She could hear Bell fumbling for the light, she heard the click of the switch, and then she saw __ the brilliant belt of flame flooding the al- cove. Littim2r paused and glanced at Bell, the !atter looked around the al- cove as if seeking for something. “I cannot see the picture here,” he said. “If I have made a mistake—”" Littimer stood looking at the speaker with eyes like blazing stars. Just for a moment or two he was speechless with indigaation. “You charlatan,” he said, hoarsely. “You barefaced trickster.” Bell started back. His mute question stung Littimer to the quick. “You wanted to be cleared,” the lat- ter said. “You wanted to befool me again. You come here in some infer- nally cunning fashion, you steal my picture from the frame and have the matchless audacity to pass it off for a second one. Man alive, if it were earlier I would have you flogged from the house like the ungrateful dog that you are.” Chris checked down the cry that rose to her lips. She saw, as in a flash of lightning, the brilliancy and simplicity and cunning of Henson’s latest and inost masterly scheme. CHAPTER XXXIII. Te Frame of the Picture. After the first passionate outburst of scorn Lord Littimer looked at his visit- or quietly. There was something al- most amusing in the idea that Bell should attempt such a trick upon him. And the listener was thoroughly en- joying the Scene now. There was quite an element of the farcical about it. In the brilliant light she could see Litti- mer’s dark, bitter face and the helpless amazement on the strong features of Hathzrly Bell. And, meanwhile, the man wh) had brought the impossible situation about, was calmly sleeping after his strenuous exertions. Chris smiled to herself as she thought out her brilliant coup. It looked to her nothing less than a stroke of genius, two strokes, in fact, as will be seen presently. Before many hours swere over Henson’s position in the house would be seriously weakened. He had done a clever thing, but Chris saw her way to a cleverer one still Meanwhile the two men were regard- ing each other suspiciously. On a round Chippendale table the offending Rem- brandt lay between them. “I confess,” Bell said, at length; “I confess that I am utterly taken by sur- prise. And yet I need not be aston- ished, when I come to think of the amazing cunning and audacity of my antagonist. He has more foresight than myself. Lord Littimer, will you be so kind as to repeat your last obsesrvation over again?” -. “I will emphasize it, if you like,” Lit- timer replied. “For some deep purpose of your own you desired to make friends with me again. You tell me you are in a position to clear your character. Very foolishly, I consent to see you. You come here with a roll of paper in your possession, purporting to be a second copy, of my famous print. All the time you know it to be mine— mine, stolen an hour or two ago and passed instantly to me. Could audacity go farther? And then you ask me to believe that you came down from town with a second engraving in your pos- session.” “As I hope to be saved, I swear it!” Bell cried. “Of course you do. A man with your temerity would swear anything. Cred- ulous as I may be, I am not credulous erough to believe that my picture would be stolen again at the very time that you found yous. r “Abstracted by my enemy on purpose to land me in this mess.” “Ridiculous!” Littimer cried. “Pshaw, I am a fool to stand here arguing; I am a fool to let you stay in the house. Why, I don’t believe you could bring a solitary witness to prove that yonder that you found yours.” “You are mistaken, my lord. I could bring several.” “Credible witnesses? Witnesses whose characters would bear investigation?” “I fancy so,” Bell said, quietly. “Two nights ago, for instance, I showed the very picture lying before you to a lady of your, acquaintance, Miss Enid Hen- son. I ecouldn’t have had your picture two nights ago, could I?, And Miss Henson was graciously pleased to ob- serve that I had been made the victim of a vile conspiracy.” Gite “Why do you insult me by mention- -|ing historical ‘novels that contained “T did,” said Bell, coolly. ‘Lady Lit- WAGE WAR ON HOUSE FLY. _ timer was in the room at the time.” Something like a groan escaped from Littimer’s pallid lips. The smoulder- ing light in his eyes flashed into flame. He advanced upon Bell with a quiv- ering, uplifted arm. Chris slipped swiftly out of the shade and stood be- tween the two men. “Dr. Bell speaks the truth,” she said. “And I am going to prove it.” . Littimer dropped into a chair and gave way to silent laughter. His mood had changed utterly. He lounged there, a cynical, amused man of the world again. . “Upon my word, I am vastly obliged to you for your comedy,” he said. “I hopesyour salary as leading lady in Bell's company is a handsome one, Miss Lee.” é . “Let us hope that it is more hand- some than your manners, my lord,” Chris said, tartly. “I beg to remark that I have never seen Dr. Bell before. Oh, yes, I have been listening to your ecnversation, because I expected some- thing of the kind. The Rembrandt was stolen some time before Dr. Bell airived here, and in due course I shall show you the thief. Lord Littimer, I implore you to be silent and discreet in this matter. Have a little patience. Quite by accident I have made an .m- portant discovery, but this is hardly the place to discuss it. Before day- light I hope to be able to prove beyond question that you have ‘greatly wronged Dr. Bell.” “J shall be glad to be convinced of it,” Littimer said, sincerely. “But why this secrecy?” “Secrecy is absolutely necessary for the conviction of the thief.” Bell looked eagerly at the speaker. “I have not the remotest notion who this young lady is,” he said, “but I am greatly obliged to her.” “My secretary, Miss Lee,” Littimer murmured; “an American from Boston, and evidently a great deal cleyerer than I gave her credit for, whith is saying a great deal. Miss Lee, if you know anything I implore you to speak.” “Not here,” Chris said, firmly. “ “Stone walls have ears. I tell you the Rembrandt was stolen just before Dr. Bell reached the house. Also I tell you it is imperative that nobody but our- selves must know the fact for the present. You trust me, Lord Littimer?” “T trust you as implicitly as I do any- bedy.” Washington Authorities Seem to Have Undertaken Big Job. z Many generations of American housekeepers have been hurried to their graves by worriment over the musca domestica, the stomoxys cal- citrans, the drosophila ampelophila— - t in short, the house fly. At last the de- partment of agriculture at Washing- ton has determined to exterminate the nuisance if possible. So long as he only meandered gently over the table, buzzed inside the patent screen, sat down upon the sticky paper H thoughtfully provided for his repose = H and drove the housewife to the verge of insanity to keep him outdoors the fly was allowed to go his way i, peace. But now that it has been dis- “4 ] covered that the fly, like his little friend, the mosquito, carries germs about with him the department of agriculture has decided that he must Le go. Incidentally the American house- wife, when she hears this, will prob- ably smile a little bitterly and decide that the department of agriculture i 7 } 5 ees pipe RN AR SE EIT has undertaken the biggest job in which it has yet engaged—in short, has bitten off more than it can chew. The department has begun its cam- paign by the issuance of pamphlets through the division of entomology to health boards, doctors and individ- uals all over the country, asking them I! to see that no breeding or feeding places are afforded the little fly— if they can help it. “As if any per- son on earth can help it,” quoth the « weary housekeeper as she makes one «# * more wild swipe with a towel. CURING A BALKY HORSE. Simple Methods May Be Employed Without Using the Whip. An expert states that the vice of balking in horses is almost invaria- bly caused by improper breaking and handling of the animal while young. It is only high-strung and ill-tempered horses that balk, and these are han- dled with more success by humoring and patience than by severe meas- ures, which generally make matters worse. It is almost impossible to fol- * low rules in a case of this sort. What will succeed in one case is useless in another, so that a driver must excer- cise good judgment—“horse sense” in handling a case. A very good treat- ment is to watch the animal ‘closely in places where it would be likely to balk, and with the first sign of stop- ping the driver should say “Whoa,” then get off and loosen or pretend to change the harness in some way; also take up a foot and tar the shoe with a stone. Spend a few moments leisurely in this way and in nine _ cases out of ten the animal will for- get his inclination to balk and will go on at the first bidding. It is also well to give a lump of sugar or a handful of oats or an apple. This wil) al- ways produce better results than se- * vere measures. , (To be Continued.) Round the Corner. A tall, green sort of a well-dressed fellow walked into an East End public plece the other day, where they were talking politics in a high key, and, stretching himself up to his full height, exclaimed in a loud ‘voice: “Where are the Socialists? Show me a Socialist, gentleman, and I'll show youaliar!” ~ In an instant a man stood before the inqvirer in a warlike attitude and ex- claimed: * “I am a Socialist, sir!” “You are?” “Yes, sir; I am.” “Well, just step around the corner with me, and I'll show you a fellow who said I couldn’t find a Socialist. Ain’t he a liar, I should like to know?” Folied Again. “Villain!” said the blonde and petite heroine, resolutely, for she had at last pierced his’ disguise, and knew that she must pass him up effectually or live un- happily ever after, “you are a wolf in sheep's clothing! “Bah!” said the villain. But this attem>t to prove him a sheep did not land, for the heroine, being a stage heroine not born yesterday, cr even twenty-three years from yester- day, and she knew a.villain when she saw one. Consequently, the hero came for her in the fifth act, the audience hisscd the villain off the stage, and the curtain fell on the union of two hea-ts that beat as one.—Portland Oregonian. MADE A GREAT DIFFERENCE. Railroads Are Great Conveniences When They Cause No Discomfort. Secretary Shaw, the humorist of the present administration, tells this story: “I stopped off at Syracuse not a te | great while ago and listened to two men talking about the tremendous business development of this country in which everybody was sharing. One of them was making the point that the general prosperity was for the benefit of the entire community. \ “‘Look at this great railroad, with — its four tracks running east and west,’ , he said. ‘It is a highway of empire, carrying each day to the Atlantic or the Pacific the product of the factory, *, She Was a Demonstrator. A young woman who was arraigned in the Tombs police court, charged with having been intoxicated, sprung a new one on Magistrate Cornell. “What is your business?” asked the BPE rts ta taiiton 2 the mine and the loom. Wipe it off ' a eet * the map and everything comes to a standstill and we become involved in a common ruin.’ _ “Just then the empire state express came rusaing along and a red-hot cin- der struck the speaker in the eye. “‘TD—— these engines!’ said he, ‘I wish there was not a railroad in the { country.’” “4 demonstrator in one of the de- partment stores. I show goods to peo- ple.” “Oh, you're a saleslady, are you?” asked the magistrate. “Yes, sir, same thing.” “Well, this is the first time I ever heard of a demonstrator. You're dis- charged.”—New York Sun. It Didn’t Matter. A well-known musician relates an experience of his as a teacher. One day a lady, somewhat advanc- ed in years, came to make arrange- ments for taking private lessons in | singing. At the end of the second lesson the teacher felt constrained to J H tell her that her ear was not true. She emma received the remark very coolly, and at the next lesson sang as badly as she had done on the previous occa- sion. fi “I am afraid,” said Mr. E—, “that you can never learn to sing in tune.” “Oh, it doesn’t matter!” was the reply. Conductor Scored. “Doesn't matter?” Conductor—Let me see—did I get| ished teacher. your ticket? “No,” said the pupil. “I don’t care Smart Passenger—Yes, sir; you took| anything about music, but my doctor it up at Montalvo and punched ——out}said that singing would be the best of it. thing for j Conductor—I beg your pardon, sir; ates is eu Kel eat Pea. oe 2: i} : but it isn’t customary on local tickets t t> punch out the passenger’s destina- tion.—Exchange. Why Books Are Not Selling. Just when this paragraph is written any bookseller will tell you that his shelves are so overcrowded with new novels that he can sell few of them; and the best suffer least from such an over-, production. In the meantime, authors, publishers and the public are finding time to reflect; and reflection makes it clear that ping-pong now engages those half-million or more of mighty minds which were yesterday engaged in read- neither history nor romance, But these things bear the same relation to litera- ture that logs bear to a hickory fire: they cannot warm the heart.—World’s Work. said the aston- A Severe Test. “You have taken a severe cold,” said the old family doctor, “and it seems to have settled in your throat.” | NaN mace Lp norte: man whoj “Yes, doctor, you see I can hardly wan arrowing 4d i 8) ,’ said th “I didn’t stop to ascertain,” an- sages ss Wai ene swered the man who is harrowingly ex-| “Can you stand heroic treatment, do act. “Tt struck me that if anybody es-| 0. think?” ask. Bats caped without his life there wasn't bh AS ee ed the doctor. much use in his escaping, anyhow.’ ‘Try me. : “Are you sure?” ‘Washington Star. ig : “Yes, anything you like; medicine, mustard plasters, electricity—any- thing,” said she, in a breath. ~ “And you want to get back your Those Pet Phrases. “Did any of the inhabitants escape Sbort Measure. LGAs “What am I so mad about?” repeated the popular actress, with flas! eye. “f only got three bouquets, ~