Grand Rapids Herald-Review Newspaper, October 15, 1898, Page 7

i j E \ 6 etn So NNER a | A SOLDIER’S ESCAPE, From the Democrat-Message, Mt. Sterling, 1, When Richmond had fallen and the great commanders had met beneath the historic apple tree at Appomattox, the 88d Penn- sylvania Volunteers, premeturely aged, clad in tatters and rags,broken in body but of dauntless spirit, swung into line for the last “grand review” and then quietly march- ed’ away to begin life’s fray anew amid the hills and valleys of the Key- stone State. Among the number Asa Robinson came back tothe old home in Mt. Sterling, HL, back to the fireside that he had left at the call toarms four years previous. He went away a happy, healthy farmer boy in the first flush of vig- orous manhood; he came back a ghost of the self that answered to President Lin- coln’s call for “300,000 more.”’ To-day he isan alert, active man and tells the story of his recovery as follows: “I was a great sufferer fromsciatic rheu- matism almost from the time of my dis- charge from the army. Most of the time I was unfitted for manual labor of any kind, and my sufferings were at all times intense. ‘At times I was bent almost double, and got around only with the greatest difficulty. Nothing seemed to give me permanent re- lief until three years ago, when my atten- tion was called to some of the wonderful cures effected by Dr. Williams’ Pink Pills for Pale People. I had not taken more than half a box when I noticed an improvement in my condition, and I kept on improving steadily. Itook three boxes of the pills, and at the end of that time was in better condition than at any time since the close of my army service. Since then Ihave nev- er been bothered with rheumatism, Lr. Williams’ Pink Pills for Pale People is the only remedy that ever did me any good, and to them I owe my restoration to com- parative health, They area grand remedy.” The Soldier's Return, Simply Rumor, However. Bacon—Do you know what Cervera said the day he tried to get out of San- tigo harbor? Egbert—No; Bacon—He were coming his w: Statesman. n’t heard. ed that things at last,—Yonkers Beauty Is Blood veep. Clean biood means a clean skin. No beauty without it. Cascarets Candy Ca- thartic cleans your blood and keeps it clean by stirring up the lazy liver and driving all impurities from the body. Be- gin to-day to banish pimples, boils, blotches, blackheads, and that sickly, bil- ious complexion by taking Cascarets-- beauty for 10 cents. All druggists. Sat- isfaction guaranteed. 10c, 25c, 60c. Read the Advertisements, You will enjoy this publication much better if you will get into the habit of reading the advertisements; they will afford a most interesting study, and will put you in the way of getting some excellent bargains. Our advertisers are reliabl; they send what they adver- tise. Deduction Confirmed. Miss Chatter—I knew you would be here to-day to see my sister. Mr. Cuddler (interrog.)—Intuition? Miss Chatter—No; observation. You always appear on the same day that Ethel refuses onions at dinner.—Tit- Bits. Mrs. Winslow’s Soothing Syrup. For children teething, softens the gums, reduces in- flammation, allays pain, cures wind colic. 25¢ a bottle. The average small boy loses faith in his mother’s veracity when she says that. it hurts her more to whip him than it hurts him.—Chicago News ‘+I suffered the tortures of the damned with protruding piles brought on by constipa- tion with which I was afflicted for twenty years. Iran across your CASCARETS in the town of Newell, Ia, and never found anything to equal them. ‘To-day I am entirely free from piles and feel like a new man." H. Kerrz, 1411 Jones St., Sioux City, Ia. CANDY CATHARTIC Potent, Taste Good, Do Good, Never Sicken, Weaken, or Gripe, 10c, 25c, 0c. ... CURE CONSTIPATION. ... Sterling Remedy Company, Chicago, Montreal, New York, S12 Pleasant, Palatable, HO-TO-BAG ier n EE Ree Don't be fooled with a mackintosh fad or rubber coat. If you wantacoat that will keep you dry in the hard- est storm buy the Fish Brand S If notfor sale in your Mi town, write for catalogue to A. J. TOWER, Boston, Mass. CURE YOURSELF! Use Big @ for unnatural discharges, inflammations, irritations or ulceratioy by “express. prepaid. Poa or3 Dottlen $2.75. rit ireular went on request Senn or sent in plain wrapper, | OUR BUDGET OF FUN. SOME GOOD JOKES, ORIGINAL AND SELECTED. A Variety of Jokes—Jibes and Ironics Original and Selected—Flotsam and Jetsam from the Tide of Humor— Witty Sayings. College and Business. Last winter I would rise at ten, I went to bed at two, My soul was filled with anguish when I had to brush a shoe. I used to quaff champagne at night, A cocktail in the morn, My purse and feet were always light, I held our Dean in scorn. These days I rise at half-past five And work till half-past six, Then thank the Lord that I’m alive My drinks I never mix. I gladly usher in the church, My tone is mild and meek, As on an office-stool I perch For dollars five a week. —m. D. Follansbee. German Talk. Gilbert, the librettist, met Liebling, the pianist, not long ago, and they say the following interchange occurred be- tween them. Liebling, you must know, has an inordinate vanity, and Gilbert, as you do know, has a caustic wit. Liebling was introduced to Gilbert, and Gilbert said: “Sir, I have heard Liszt——” Liebling bowed his head in acknowl- edgment of what he supposed was the coming compliment. “I have heard Henri Hertz,” contin- ued Gilbert. Liebling bowed still lower. “I have heard Paderewski.” Liebling made a genuflection even unto the ground, “Well, sir,” concluded Gilbert, in ab- Tupt tones, “not one of them, not one of them, sir, perspired as profusely as you do.”—St. Louis Star. Unlucky. “It might have been different,” sigh- ed the young king of Spain, “if I had been christened some other name but ‘Alphonso.’ ” “Why, dear?” tenderly asked his mother. , “Because,” responded the king, sav- ‘agely, “if my name was Dennis, or any ‘other old thing, I wouldn’t be Alphon- so the ‘Thirteenth.’ ” Worse Than War. Mrs. Fripley—Ah, this war is a ter- rible business. Just think of those poor men who are lying in the hos- pitals. , Mre, Nibson—Oh, I don’t know. It might have been worse. If the boys had been at home I suppose many of them would have had to hear some of the summer opera companies we've had here this season. Statecraft. “We must raise money said one Spanish official. “Yes,” replied the other; “but there’s nly one thing that suggests itself to me. Those Americans are exceeding- dy patient and good natured. I wonder if they’d stand an import duty on all Spanish prisoners landed at our ports,” —Washington Star. somehow,” A Queer Case. “Singular fellow, that Berkley.” “I never noticed it. In what way is he different from other folks?” “I’ve never heard him say that he would go to Cuba or Porto Rico to make his fortune if he were only a single man.” His Occupation, “So you are engaged in literary pur- suits, eh? What is your particular line?” “Chasing after the books my friends ‘borrow and then lend around to every- ‘ody they know.” Explained. Every one wondered why Professor Dauber wore such a long,’ pointed beard, but could not imagine how he obtained such satisfactory results.— New York Ledger. Realistic. Jack—Does he put much feeling into his singing? WANTED—Case of bad health that R-I-P-A-N-S will not benefit. Send 5 cents to Ripans Chemical Co., New York, for 10 samples and 1,000 testimonials. H.W. 8, UL —No, 41.— 1898, 4 f { Tom—You bet! Why, when he sang his “Drinking Song” last night the whole audience got delirium tremens. ‘Indianapolis Journal, Victorious Hver, All glory to America— For simple reason, too; She never yet has bitten off ~ *. More than she can chew. - 3 —Detroit Free Press. | | The Only Preventative, “Only one event could have pre- vented the sinking of my_ fleet,” said the Spanish admiral-in-a_burst.of con- fidence. : “And that was—— eager .reporter. “The draining of the Caribbean Sea,” whispered Cervera, Evaded. The Policeman — “What's trade?” The Suspect—“An ironworker.” “Is that so? I'll see what you know about it. I used to be in the trade myself.” “T—I mean in-a laundry.”—Indianap- olis Journal, your “To the Bitter End.” “We will fight till the last,” said the Spanish commander. “’Till the last man is killed?” asked the American commander. “No,” replied the Spaniard. the last man surrenders.” And the bitter end showed that he was right. “Tih He Got Her. “Humph!” growled the multi-mil- lionaire, “so you want my girl’s hand, do you? Have you lots of enterprise?” “Well,” retorted the hearty swain, “I’m after the only daughter of just about the richest and meanest man in these parts.’—New York World, Her Platform. Mr. Willikins—Do you believe in an- nexation? Miss Bidsley—Oh, Arthur, this is so sudden. But if you can gain papa’s consent I will try to learn to love you. A New Excuse. Office Boy—May I have this after- noon, sir? I want to see the base-ball game. Employer (in surprise)—What, has the last of your relatives been buried? A Thinker. Greymair—My wife is thoughtful woman, Betterhaws—So’s mine. You couldn't imagine all the things she thinks about me if I happen to be detained down- town.—Chronicle Telegraph. such a A Heartless Thing. First Veteran—Well, what did your girl do when you met—fall on your neck and weep? Second Veteran—No; she offered to lend me 15 cents to get a clean shave, Angular. Clara—You want to be’careful, dear, when you have on your new wrap, not to lean your shoulder against anything. Maude—Why? Clara—You might make a hole in it Recognized. One Passenger (loudly)—I should have liked to hear of one good battle in Cuba—such as Gettysburg. Another Passenger (quietly)—So would all the other pension agents. A Useful Education. “My class will soon be in percent- age, papa,” said Benny Bloobumper. oou,” replied Mr, Bloobumper. “Then you can figure out the standing of the base ball clubs for me.” The Main One. Col. Pepper—“That ‘Maine’ disaster was terrible, wasn’t it?” Major Kaintuck—‘“Outrageous! Just think of introducing prohibition in a civilized state!” Fitz Was Walloped. First Pugilist—How did your scrap with Fitzcuff end? Second Pugilist—Oh, he gained a “glorious Spanish victory” over me, He’s asleep yet. A Necessary Crime. Celebrated Lawyer: Now tell me, henestly, did you rob that bank? Client (in disgust): Of course I did. Do yer ’spose I’d be able to retain yer if I didn’t? When Greek Meets Greek. Moses—‘How mudge you vant on dis vatch?” Levi—‘“Vell, it’s vorth ten; I’ll ask eighd, but if you offer four I’ll take six!” Metaphorical. Mrs. A.—I heard him say that May was very fast. Mr. B.—His horse is named May. Mrs. A.—Yes; but so is my daughter, The Usual Occupation. “What did you do while you were away on your vacation?” “Sat around while my wife was dressing for meals, most of the time,” Living and Learning. There was a man in our town Who thought he knew a lot, Till a shell game artist sauntered down And showed him what was what, A Noble Scheme. She—What would you do if you had Russell Sage’s money? He—Open up frée soup houses for childless millionaires. _crled out the» A GHOST LIKE CITY. ! WEST LYNNE IS A RELIC OF A _NORTH DAKOTA BOOM. Room for 5,000 People—But To-day Not a Man, Woman, or Child Inhabits Its Deserted Houses — Business Blocks Gone to Waste. . Some poet who can do for a literally deserted city what Goldsmith did for his “sweet Auburn,” can find his op- portunity in North Dakota. A _ city large enough to house a population of 5,000, yet absolutely tenantless; a Place with substantial brick blocks, well-laid streets and walks, handsome residences, costly stone buildings, but without a resident, with not even a cock to crow by day nor a dog to howl by night! Such a place is West Lynne on the west bank of the Red River of the North, and almost on the Cana- dian boundary. The history of the place is one of the romances of the “boom” period from 1878 to 1881, when towns sprang up in a night; when a few lots staked out on the prairie sold in the markets of the east one day for hundreds and the next day for thou- sands. A golden stream poured into the land where yet the Sioux fought his ancient foes, the Blackfoot of Mon- tana and the Pawnee of the Niobrara. But there came the collapse. Men who not foreseeing the crash, invested more heavily instead of turning their holdings into coin, awoke one morning to find themselves “land poor” and in debt, unable to complete the extensive improvements they had begun upon their realty. The fortunes that had been made in a day were scattered in a night; villages that had sprung up in a few hours had grown to the import- ance of incorporated towns and cities in a few months were deserted by all Save those who, swamped by the crash, found themselves without money enough to get away. West Lynne was a “boom town,” and the most noted of them all. It was platted by schemers with more fertility than scruples, at a point on the Red River where, they claimed, the Great Northern Railroad was to cross when built through to the Pacific coast. The possibilities of the place were exploited in the east; capitalists became interested, and money was plentiful. There was no sham about the actual construction of ‘West Lynne. It was not another Ari- zona desert farce except in the mind and on the plate of its projectors, but a substantial reality. James H. Mur- ray, a Chicago man, was the agent. He sold lots at auction in Chicago for thousands of dollars each. While he was selling a telegram would come notifying him of the disposal. of a cer- tain plat and it would be withdrawn. Then he sold adjoining lots at top- notch prices. In the meantime build- ing was progressing. There were no board shanties, and walls or canvas sheds. Handsome structures of brick or lumber, finished in modern style, Sprang up as fast as material could be transported and contractors do the work. And today there the “city” stands, a handsome but useless monu- ment to the credulity of some and the hardihood of others. Not one of its magnificent buildings has ever been occupied. Across the Red River is a steel bridge, built for railroad and wagon traffic, which no engine or train ever crossed or ever will. The wagon track be used. . The structure must have cost $200,000, as there is a great deal of piling and trestles in the ap- proaches. West Lynne stands on a flat, sandy stretch, where the overfiow from the river is so extensive and long continued that crops can not be grown. Across the river, in Emerson, is the custom nouse, and the business of the district is conducted there. That is all the life there is to Emerson, which in the “boom days” was but a suburb of West Lynne. Even in Emerson there is a brick block, three stories high, 875 by 140 feet in dimensions, with a basement under the whole. It contains fourteen spacious store rooms, with plate glass fronts and all the ac- cessories of a stylish business block. But not a single individual inhabits the great structure, and it is slowly going to ruin. Eighty-five thousand dollars was the cost of this building, How to Judge Machinery. Engineers judge of the condition ot their machinery by the tone it gives out while running. Every engine, whether stationary or locomotive, has a particular tone of its own; the en- gineer becomes accustomed to that and any departure from it at once ex- cites a suspicion that all is not right. The engineer may not know what is the matter, he may have no ear for music, but the change in the tone of his machine will be at once pexcep- tible, will be instantly recognized and will start him on an immediate tour of investigation. False Teeth in Ancient Times. While numerous kinds of false teeth have, from time to time, been unearth- ed in various parts of the world—some made of wood even—it is rare to find a gold set. But in a tomb opened re- cently near Rome there has been dis- covered the skeleton of a woman with a set of gold false teeth. In connec- tion with this curious find it may be recorded that an American dentist re- cently discovered some flint teeth in the skulls of retain Indians; the roots of the natural teeth having been re- moved and the flint pegs in some way inserted. Full. “I feel like a store with a bargain sale,” groaned Tommy as he ap- proached from the direction of the pantry, the immediate surroundings of his mouth being a suspicious dark red. “What's the matter my dear?” “Jam inside.”—Detroit Free Press, Families Badly Mixed. On Butler Taylor's farm bantam chickens and quails ‘are mixed. The quail has hatched chickens and the bantam is the proud mother of a cov- ey of young quails. The little chick- ens follow the quail mother off into the copse and are as wild as real quails. The bantam’s little quails de- port themselves in the yard and coop the same as regulation chickens.—Car- rollton (Ky.) Democrat. Proposed Alliance With England. If the United States and England should form an alliance there would be little chance for enemies to overcome us. When men and women keep up their health with Hostetter’'s Stomach Bitters, there is little chance for at- tacks of disease, as it steadies the nerves and increases the appetite. Try it. / Some men are tco stubborn to ac- knowledge the corn until you step on} their toes, | ‘To Cure Constipation Forever. if ‘Take Cascarets Candy Cathartic. 10c or-25c. | 1fG.C C.fail to cure. druggists retund money. | paths iar \ Time is caught by the tail more fre- quently than by the forelock. His Protest. The editor of the Clarion was a very patient man. A startling crash from the direction of the composing room caused him to push his specta- cles up on his brow and cease writing. When he found that the boy had let the first page form fall on the floor, where it lay in an incoherent mass, he shook his head reproachfully and ex- claimed: “Lemuel, I do wish that you could manage to break the news more gent- ly.”--Washington Star. Piso’s Cure for Consumption is our only medicine for coughs and colas— Mrs. C. Beltz, 489 Sth ave., Denver, Col., Nov. 8, ’95. Age rarely brings wisdom; ahout the best it can do is to teach us what par- ticular brand of folly we like best. £ducate Your Bowels With Cascarets. _,Candy Cathartic cure constipation forever, i0c, 2c. If C. C. C. fail, druggists refund money: A wise man baits his hook with i- quiry, but a fool baits his with imperti- nence. Every man knows how a wife should te managed, but few are able to do it. And C accept it in the same spirit: Stop! Women, onsider the All-Important Fact, That in addressing Mrs. Pinkham you are confid- ing your private ills to a woman—a woman whose experience in treating woman’s diseases is greater than that of any living phy- sician—male or female. You can talk freely to a womap when it is revolting to relate your private troubles to a man—besides, aman does not understand—simply because he is a man. Many women suffer in silence and drift along from bad to worse, know- ing full well that they ought to have immediate assistance, but a natural modesty impels them to shrink from exposing themselves to the questions and probably examinations of even their family physician. It is unnec- essary. Without money or price you can consult a woman, whose knowledge from actual experi- ence is greater than any local physician in the world. The fol- lowing invitation is freely offered; MRS. PINKHAM’S STANDING INVITATION. Women suffering from any form of female weakness are invited to promptly communicate with Mrs. Pinkham, at Lynn, Mass. All letters are received, opened, read and answered by women only. A woman can freely talk of her private illness to a woman; thus has been established the eternal confidence be- tween Mrs. Pinkham and the women of America which has never been broken. Out of the vast volume of experience which she has to draw from, itis more than possible that she has gained the very knowledge that will help your case. She asks. nothing in return except your good-will, and her advice has relieved thousands- Surely any woman, rich or poor, is very foolish if she does not take advantage of this generous offer of assistance.—Lydia E. Pinkham Medicine Co., Lynn, Mass. “The present Mrs. Pinkham’s experience in treating female illsis unparalleled, for years she worked side by side with Mrs. Lydia E. Pinkham, and for sometime: past has had sole charge of the correspondence department of her great busi- ness, treating by letter as many as a hundred thousand ailing women a year.” and better than any other chewing tobacco ever made:— YOU are not obliged to dig for it. The 10-cent == Battleax : : PLUG» is the est piece of really high and esa fs it anywhere in the United States. emember the name when you buy again. é 88600 ade tobacco, ” “A TRAINING IN CLEANLINESS IS A_ FORTUNE.” COMPLETE YOUR EDUCATION WITH SAPOLIO FARM LANDS Join the big immigration to the St. Paul & Du ig Paul. ‘innesota. The best tion Maps and ire HOPEWELL ©. Commissioner, St, Pai Mizn. -