Evening Star Newspaper, December 6, 1925, Page 97

For BY NINA WILCOX PUTNAM. HE late Admiral Dewey, the one who was on time in Manilla Bay, once said while describ- ing the battle, “T felt it a mere nothing o 1 to the awful moment when m; bunch of photog proofs of pictures of herself and savs to me, which one do vou like best. dea And how that man must of ed, I can now realize having Tecently put George, that's my band, through the same kinda test. But there is always two sides to a story, and I have sometimes wondered if the admiral fully realized what his wife must of gone through before she <ome to the point of submitting them proofs to him? Of course we all know where proofs are proofs, indeed nething but cold facts. But if all legal evidence could have the und ble markings wiped out with a little acid as easy as it be done on a photographic plate, why there wauld never be no justice done in this country. However, it seems to be a common practice among photog- raphers to submit proofs of what they have done with vour face, and that is probably why they charge extra high prices to wipe out the true facts on the finished product They show you, first off, how you really look and they are then in a position to show the world, unless you come across with an order for the re- touched stuff. Re-touched is correct, financially as well as photograph- ically, because the average female woman would certainly rather come across with the price of a full dozen then to allow the fellow who knows the truth to keep that accurate map of them in his possession. All this revelation come to me a week or two ago, when I commenced vriting out my 'Christmas shopping list and realized where If I was to give anything to Uncle Will why I would also haf to give Aunt Eata, and of course the Joe Bushes would ex- pect something, and if I lived up to their expectations, why naturally the Goofnahs was gonner feel left out if they was left out. Also, I really had to have a trifle for Miss Demeanor, that bottle blond, on account she sent Junior a gilded banana last year, and if I sent her something, why naturally I couldn't very well ignore Dr. Salary, the one she is engaged to. Then there was my mother, George's ditto, old Gen. Bluster, the cook, postman, ice- man, policeman, garbage man, doctor, lawyer, sailorman, thief, etc. * * % x <uffer- only hus- ND so, even supposing I done my Christmas shopping at the five- and-dime store, taking a chance that none of my friends would have the same economical idea, and send me the identical kind of junk which I had sent to them, well, even so, my list certainly looked like it was going to run into money, to say nothing about the trouble of selecting a per. sonal token per ea. The simplest thing to do, seemed to be to get my photograph taken and give the same to one and all allke. The simple part certainly turned out to be correct, I sure was simple in the worst sense of the word when 1 got that idea, but at the time I thought it was quite hotsy totsy. My first thought was to get the same boy to do the dirty work which had committed the last picture I had took. That was as a bride with orange blos- soms and a steel brace at the back of my head to keep me from making another move. In order to find out what was this feller's name, why I had to get out the album where it was parked, and incidentally I was forced to face a lot of ancient snap shots dating back to the time when sleeves were sleeves and you needed the wide open spaces to wear ‘em in. Also skirts were made many times gored, and ladies and gents both wore the kind of starched collar which made the Chinese considered clever in_this country. In this way I run across a whole lot of old friends I had entirely forgot about. Such, for a sample, as the gang which come to mommer's house over the Fourth one time. There was Tem, Dick and Harry, and little Eva, I forget her last name, taken in a snap-as-snap-can pose in front of the old hydrangea bush. I _certainly locked good in that one. I was the only member who come out at all well, but it didn't make me feel any too well to look at the print. It made me kinda sick, in fact. My heavens, I says to myself, was I ever as young and good looking as that? how I look now, will I keep on won dering or go ahead and find out? Then just to stall myself along I turned back the record of time, which believe you me. was no jazz record, and seen myself as I was when Ma kad carted me, @ 17 or so, to the picture-butcher, and had me photoed against a back drop showing the guil- lotine, or whatever they called it, around my neck. But of course that Was a pre-war picture. Well, anyways, after I had found the affidavit of elf as a bride, and got the photographer’s license num- ber off of it, I commenced to wonder if he was really the man to commit the new job? Of course I wanted to know exactly how I looked, but at the same time I thought maybe I had better go to one of them high. hat photographers who take real fuzzygraphs and tell you about how much it will come to, but who always know just what they are about, and 50 do you, really, when you go to them of your own free will, in spite of the fact that every onct in a while you have seen their name signed to @ photo in some modern ‘magazine, which photo is 999 lady and % of, 1% vell. The vaguer the photo, as a rule, the vaguer the price, if you get what I mean. * * ¥ X VWELL. after thinking this over and over until the idea was positively shopworn, I decided I would make an appointment with the Artful Studios. So L glve them a ring on the phone, case that might be necessary, put a lit- to sustain the expected pressure, and put on my best evening gown and manner. Then I called for a taxi, and told the driver my secret. 1 got into said taxi wearing a hat & coat, on account I figured where it might be a good idea to get my- self taken both ways. I didn’t tell the taxi man to wait. I also thought of being took with a rose folded to my decollete. Then I figured on a pose with a saintly expression, a smiling one, a downcast ditto, and a frank, straight-forward one. I thought it would be a good idea to have several types of pictures, so's I could dis- “THAT WAS AS A BRIDE WITH ORANGE BLOS! I wonder | put my own personal rings in hock in | tle surgeon's plaster behind my ears | THE SUNDAY STAR, WASHINGTON, D. C., DECEMBER 6, 1925—PART 5 - Selecting the Right Pose and - Other Problems of the Season George’s Selection of Wife’s Picture Christmas Gifts Fails to Please tribute them to the family according i o their impression of me as I realized it. | _Well, when I arrove at the Artful | Studios, they looked far less like a dental parlor then I had expected. To be sure there was a lady attendant in the outer office, but if it hadn't been for the way she greeted me, I would of taken her for one of the customers. And the operator wasn't the usual old style at all. Quite to the contrary, he didn’t ask me where it hurt the worst, he treated me exactly as it I was a old pal. This impression continued until later when I received the bill. At the time he merely invited me to come into the studio, walk around, and make myself feel perfectly at home. At the price, as I after real ized, I might just as well of done as he asked. As it was, I did everything else. I walked about that studlo like a cat in a strange attic, wondering when he was gonner call me to order, but he never did. And so pretty soon I says when are you gonner take the pictures? And he says they are al- ready took! Well naturally. when I got back home I begun at once ta be very anxious to see them pictures. I could already figure in my mind how slim, handsome, and etc. I had felt while unconsciously posing, and thought also, well, maybe it would be selfish of me to keep them likenesses away from the sunbrowned section of the Sunday papers. I could already figure {in my mind what the lines would run | to—not the lines in my face, the lines Jules, wife of the well-known Button- hole Salesman, caught in a impromptu moment."" | _Also I realized how furious my | women friends would be, if it was to be printed there, and how they weuld resent my sending them the same how it to their friends and say don't you remember seeing this in the papers, well it was there, and she is a particular friend of mine! * ¥ ¥ X ELL, about ten days after this the Artful Studios. And when I seen | the facts-similars to myself, I certainly felt good, they was so handsome, all except one which had all the ravines, elevations, rivers and shadows on my map. This was a close-up. Also it might of been called a relief map, but no relief to me, The only plcture I really liked was a rear view of my dress against a Japanese screen be- longing to the company. My face D A STEEL BR underneath the picture: *“Mrs. George | identical pose for Christmas, but vet | the evidence was submitted by | ACE AT THE BACK OF MY HEAD." didn’t show at all, and to any stranger it might of been a photo of Lillian Gish, Marilyn Miller or the Queen of Rumania. It was a real good like ness, though—it was like I felt 1 looked at the time. Then there was one proof of my net-weight. How I ever looked that weigh I simply can't imagine. But the camera probably had something wrong with it at the time the time- exposure was made. Of course, right off I decided that the picture of the gown was the one I wanted te broad- cast. But also I could hardly put in my order for a coupla dozen without getting a_opinion from George. I wanted a frank expression from him. After all, it was his money paying for it, it any. So the day the envelope marked “Keep away from strons light" arrove, I tackled him as soon as he had washed off the last cinder from the five fifteen. Look, dear, 1 says, I got something to show you, not to mention the bill. I had my photo taken, also your credit rating for same. Which one do you like best? Well, George sure was surprised. He says well, ah, hum, lemme see And with that he took the pack in hand and shuffied them good and | plenty for a while. Then he pickei that awful closeup of me, showing my drainage map, line for line. Well dear, he says I think this is the bast of the lot, of course none of them really do you justice, you certainly don't take a good picture on account they can't show your ooloring, but | this is the most ke you. I am so glad you thought of having them | taken ‘in case anything was to happen to you, why we now could identify the remains, but this is the one I like, please have a extra print of it made for my bureau, and tell them to send me the bill. Well, naturally I says all right, dear, | and teok the cards out of his hands. Then I thought, well, I guess I may as well order the one that looks so much like my dress, I'd like to remem- ber that dress even after it goes out of style, George will never know which picture he has on his dresser, so long as it is in the right frame. ‘8o, him | having okeved the deal I sent a order in to the Artful Studios. | “Dear Sirs, please print me two dozen of the print marked with a X— so marked to show the spot where the body is supposed to be. If you have already printed up some other snaps of Mary Pickford or somebody, at a lower price, same will be equaliy acceptable, 1 only want them for Christmas presents, anyhow."” (Covyright. 1625.) Presenting an Alibi on the Chicago Fine Involves a Recital of Ancient History BY RING LARDNER. O the editor: Judging by letters recd. in the last few wks. pretty near every man, wom- an and child in the U. 8. must of read that item that come out in the papers in regards to the undersigned getting pinched for speed- ing in Chicago one time and fined $50.00 dollars for same and how I run out on the fine and now they have got a caplas vs. me and the minute I sit 1t. on the soil of what I use to fondly call my home town I will be sur- rounded by a pussy of great big whop- ping policemens and assigned to a room without bath in a certain Clark St. hotel where they have got a clerk named Sergeant. . According to the item this here fine was assessed on the 17 of June, 1919, and the record of same has just been dug up by a record inspector named r. Clyde Dyckman who seems to of lose his temper over a little boost I wrote for the Hotel Sherman which I said in it that I always tried to get a room where I could look acrost Ran- dolph St. at the county bldg. and see how the other half lived without work- ing. SVith the Kind tndulgents of my ad- mires 1 will waste this space today in copying down a letter which I am going to send to Mr. Dyckman as soon as the madam remembers to bring home a stamp, and I am in the hopes vou won't get hored by a recital of me of my anclent history which I been led to believe you are all inter- ested in same or you would not of so thoughtfully wrote and kidded me about this here blemish on my past. “Dear Mr. Dyckman: Well Mr. Dyckman I and you has never met as you was probably too busy, but we have got a streel here in New York called Dyckman St. which may of been named after you in a spirit of Jevity. Dyckman St. is way up in the 2 hundreds and you can get a board of a ferry there for Englewood, N. J., though I don't know no reason why you should. “Now listen Mr. Dyckman I know vou must be rushed to death what with spending hours and hours delv- ing into 6 yr. old records and one thing another, but if you do happen to get through a little early some day 1 wished you would take a run down to Toledo, O., and they's a good train for there leaving Chi at 5:25 P.M. if they ain't changed it between now and 1919 and you might maybe meet =ome South Bend or Goshen people on that train and just men- tion my name and they wil tell you who I married and when so you won't half to look that up and who I use to go with prior to my nuptials, but any way when you get to Toledo climb into a barouche and have your- self drove to the Hotel Secor apd ask the clerk with the funny mustiche to show you the register for June, 1919, you will find me stopping there on “THE MINUTE 1 SIT FT. IN MY HOME TOWN I WILL BE SUR. ROUNDED BY A PUSSY OF POLICEMENS.” the 17 of June and before and after same and I can't remember the room number but it was a kind of a small room where a person couldn’t hardly turn around, but any way that is where I and the rest of the boys at the time stayed and we was there covering the alleged training activ- ities of Dempsey and Jessie Willard and may as well state at this junction that I bet $600.00 dollars on Willard 8o you can judge for yourself Mr. Dyckman whether we was enjoying ourselfs and I am sure you would like Toledo, too, provide it that some day vou get through pouring over the vital statistics of 1874 in time to catch the 5:25. “Those were the days Mr. Dyckman when they use to have fights for the heavyweight championship &nd the Toledo fight was a great spectacle for those that couold still see and those who did have no $600.00 bet on the Kansas Zephyr whio set down in the resin to rest after the wo called con- test had been golng on fully a quarter of a minute and then and there I of- fered to sell my bet to Geo. McManus for $.10 cash but Geo. was on the wagon so afterwards I paid off the $600 verbatim and I ask you Mr. Dyckman if that sounds like the kind of a man who would run out on @ $60.00 fine. “Well Mr. Dyckman I went back to Chi and stayed there till October and I wasn’t no recluse that Summer neither but mixed around just like always and didn’t even wear no wig or mast or false whiskers or nothing and Chicago was just as full of eagle eye policemens then as now and when 1 would see one of them what did I do, did I walk around the block to get out of their way? No Mr. Dychman I went right close to them and some- times positively nudged them and never heard a wd. in regards to a unpaid fine for speeding. “Further and more we wasn't living in a tent that Summer but had a home and a st. number and a telephone with our name in the book in just as big letters as Harold McCormick or Wm. Wrigley, and my Mrs. is like all wom- en namely they think a telephene has ot to be answered though they know or should know by experience that it means trouble 99 times out of a 100, but honest Mr, Dyckman all that Sum- mer long they wasn’t no call from no court about no fine and whatever judge it was that assessed it, he can keep a_secret so good that T would almost be willing to show him some of my mash notes. All and all Mr. Dyck- man I wouldn't of never heard of this fine only for you and I won't never forget you. “Came October and I went down to Cincinnati for the world’s serious and bet another $600 on the dear old White Sox or a total of §1,200 I lose in 4 mos. and me with a wife and 4 kiddies and now you come along and make it a even more memorable yr. by adding on this $50.00 plaster that it is now too late to deduct off of the income tax. Which is it vou ain't got Mr. Dyckman, no family or no heart? “Now listen Clyde I have 2 wonder sister-in-laws in and around Chicage as well as a host of girl friends and admires that is always clamoring I “THE KANSAS ZEPHYR SET DOWN IN THE RESIN TO REST fil;éz_‘n A QUARTER OF A MIN- should come out there and brighten their life but $50.00 is $50.00 not to mention fare and berth both ways on the 20th. Century Limited which I call it the Century on acet, of the round trip coming so close to a $100.00 and which I always half to on because I love speeding, but you take this $100.00, or rather $90.00 and then slap the $50.00 on top of that which vou say 1 owe some judge that prob- Simple Expedients for Crowning Work With Success Despite - All Difficulties BY STEPHEN LEACOCK. ET me begin with a sort of par- able. Many years ago when I was on the staff of a great pub- lic school we eugaged a new swimming mast He was the most successful man in that ca- pacity that we had had for years. Then one day it was discovered that he couldn’t swim. He was standipg at the edge of the swimming tank explaining the breast stroke to the boys in the water. He lost his balance and fell In. He was drowned. Or no—he wasn’t drowned —I rememgber—he was rescued by some of the pupils whom he had taught to awim. After he was resuscitated by the boys—it was one of the things he had taught them-—the school dismissed him. Then some of the boys who were sorry for him taught him how to swim, and he got a new job as a swimming master {n another place. But _this time he was an utter fall- ure. He swam well, but they said he couldn’t teath. 8o his friends looked about to get him a new job. This was just at the time when the bicycle craze came in. They soon found the man a position @8 an instructor in bicycle rldln{. As he had never been on a bicycle In his life, he made an admirable teacher. He stood fast on the ground and said, “Now then, all you need is confi- dence." ‘Then one day he got afraid that he might be found out. So he went out to & qulet place and got on a bicycle, at the top of a slope, ta learn ta ride it. 'The bicycle ran away with him. But for the skill and daring of one of his pupils, who saw him and rode after him, he would have been killed. This story, as the reader sees, is endleas. Suffice it to say that the man I speak of is now in an aviation 0ol teaching pen%l: to fly. They y he is one of the best aviators that ever walked. According to all the legends and story books, the principal factor in success is perseverance. Personally, I think there is nothing in ft—if any- thing, the truth lies the other way. There is an old motto that run: you don't succeed, try, try This is nonsense. It ought to read—*“If at first you don't succeed, quit, quit, at once." ¥ you can't do a thing, more or less, the first time you try, you will never do it. Try something else while there is vet time Let me illustrate: I remember, long years ago, at a little school that I attended in the country, we had a schoolmaster who uxed perpetually to write on the black- board, in a copperplate hand, the motta that I have just quoted: “It at first you don't succeed, Try, try agali He wore plain clothes and had a hard, determined face. He was study- ing for some sort of preliminary medical examination, and was saving “HE IS NOW TEACHING PEOPLE TO FLY—THEY SAY HE IS ONE OF THE BEST AVIATORS THAT EVER WALKED.” money for a medical course. Every now and then he went away to the city and tried the examination; and he always failed. 'Each time he came back he would write upon the black board— “Try, try again.” But I think that if the schoolmaster had long before abandoned the study of medicine, for which he was not fitted, and gone in, let us say, for play- ing the banjo, he might have become end-man in a minstrel show. * * % X 8 another element in success, 1 suppose that initiative—the abil- ity to act on one's own judgment—is considered of prime importance. 1 knew, in Toronto—it is long years ago—a singularly bright young man whose name was Robinson. He had bad some training in the iron and steel business, and was on the look- out for an opening. A Liverpool firm advertised for an agent here and instead of writing he beat out other letters and hopped over to Liverpool. He was back in a fort night with English clothes and a big salary. But I cannot recommend his story to my friends. In fact, it should not be told too freely. I _remember once telling this story of Robinson to a young man ealled Tomlinson, who was out of a job. Tomlinson had a head two sizes too big, and a face like a bun. He had lost three jobs in a bank and two in a broker's office, but he knew his work, and on paper he looked a good man. I told him about Robinson, to en- courage him, and the story made a great impression. ‘“‘Say, that was a great scheme, eh?" he kept repeating. He had no com- mand of words, and always sald the same thing over and over. A few days later I met Tomlinson on the street with a valise in his hand. “Where are you going?” I asked. 'm off to Mexico,” he answered. ‘“They're advertising for a Canadian teller for a bank in Tuscapulco. I've sent my credentials down, and I'm going to follow them right up in per- son. In a thing like this the per- sonal element is everything.” So Tomlinson went down to Mexico and he traveled by sea to Mexico City, and then with a mule train to Tusca; pulco. But the malls, with his cre- dentials, went by land and got there two days ahead of him. When Tomlinson got to Tuscapulco he went into the bank and he spoke to the junior manager and told him what he came for. “I'm awfully sorry,” the junior manager said, “I'm afraid that this post has just been filled."” * ok ok * HEN he went into an inner room to talk with the manager. “The tellership that you wanted a Cana- dian for.,” he asked, “didn't ) that you have a man already “Yes,” sald the manager, liant young fellow from Toronto; his name is Tomlinson, I have his creden- tials here—a first-class man. I've wired him to come right along, at our expense, and we'll keep the job open for 10 days.” “There's a young man outside,” sald the junior, “who wants to apply for the job." “‘Outside?” exclaimed the manager. “How did he get here?” “Came in on the mule train this morning; says he can do the work and wants the job." “What's he like?” asked the man- ager. The junior shook his head. dusty-looklng customer,"” “shifty-looking."” “S8ame old story,” murmured the manager. “It's odd how these fellows drift down here, isn't {t? Up to some- thing crooked at home, I suppose. Understands the working of a bank, eh? I guess he understands it a little too well for my taste. “No, no,” he continued, “tapping the papers that lay on the table, “now that we've got a first-class man like Tomlinson, let's hang on to him. We can easily wait 10 days, and the cos of the journey is nothing to the bank as compared with getting a man of Tomiinson's stamp. And, by the way, you might telephone to the chief of police and get him to see to it that !l;rlu loafer gets out of town straight So the chief of police shut up Tomlinson in the calaboose and then sent him down to Mexico City under a guard. By the time the police wers done with him he was dead broke, and it took him four months to get back to Toronto in order to accept the job in Tuscapulco by letter and by that time the place had been filled long ago. As a recipe for success, everybody feels an instinctive interest In know- ing how our great captains of indus- try, our financiers and railroad mag- nates made their money. Here the explanation, as I gather it, is really a very simple one. There is, in fact, only one way to amass huge fortune in business or raflway management. One must begin to mount the ladder from the lowest rung. This lowest rung is everything. Any man who can stand upon it with his' foot well poised, will inevitably mount to the top. But after all—why bother with suc- cess anyhow? 1 have observed that successful people get very little real | enjoyment out of life. In fact, it I had to choose—with an eye to having a really pleasant life—between suc- cess and ruin, I should prefer ruin every time. I have several friends who are com- pletely ruined—some two or thres times—in a large way of course; and I find that if I want to get a real good dinner, where the champagne is just as*it ought to be, and where hos- pitality s unhindered by mean thoughts of expense, I can get it best at the house of a ruined man. (Copsright, 1025.) “Pretty he sald; Family Debates on Christmas Presents Just the Same Thing Year After Year BY SAM HELLMAN. ¢ ‘M going to shop early this ¢ year," remarks the wite. “Meaning what?" I inquires. “The twenty-third of tl month ?" “Tomorrow," comes back the misses. “And I ought to be all through in a week."” “In a week!" I yelps. “How much you figuring on nicking the bankroll for this year?" “About a thousand," answers Kate. | “Where you going to get 1t?" I khow. the fray reminds me, awould be prying into your affairs and—" “You spend a grand on Christmas junk," I cuts {n, “and the sheriff will be prying inta my affairs. Why don't vou just get a bunch of cards and send ‘em out with love and kisses?" “You would suggest a cheap John stunt like that, “What,” I snaps, “is Christmas sup- posed to be, anyway—a market day where you trade presents areund? The whole darn gift thing's getting to be a joke. It's more of a depart- ment store holiday nowadays than a religious holiday.” Don't you think it's nice to glve presents®” asks the miase: “I ain’t get no objections to the idea,” I tells her, “but I don't like the execution. If a guy only spent a few dollars it'd be all right, but the way they do things now it takes a bimbo until Decaration day to the December bills, and by that t the wife's alregdy ulkln’ aboyt next Christmas. Whe yeu going te spend that thousand on?" “Well,” says Kate, “in the firat place, I got to buy semething nice for Aunt Martha. She gave us that beautiful vgse last year.” 'What vase is that?" I asks. ““The one I traded for a table coves replies the frau. “It cost her $50.” “So you got to buy her something that cost half a ecentury, huh!” I sneers. “I got te be enerous as she is, don't 17 demands Kate. i “No, you don’t,” I barks. *“All she wants is to be remembered, and you can remember her with $§ as well as 80, I got an jdea.” “What a lonesome life it must be leading.” remaris the wite, ‘We'll take the list of folks were going to send presents to,’ ou I o R ™IS WHERE TWIN HIGGINS “YOU SPEND A GRAND ON CHRISTMAS JUNK,” T CUTS IN, “AND THE SHERIFF WILL BE PRYING INTO MY AFFAIRS.” g0es on, “and send them the amount of money we were going to spend on them. Then we'll suggest they send the money back to us for a Christmas present. In that way everybody'll he remembered and it won't cost a cent.” “Ain’t you got sentiment, though?" says the wife. “Where does sentiment come into Christmas giving?”” I comes back. “Is there any more sentiment im slipping a Jane a $5 dish and her slipping you back a $5 what's-t-for than there is in just trading the dough? Exchang ing cash is got just as much senti ment and & whole lot more sense. I'll bet vou changed 90 per cent of the stuft you got last year. There must have been a lot of sentiment attached to thase gifts. Besides that, giving presents makes a liar out of you.” ‘How?" inquires the fra: “Last year,” I returns, ou got salad forks from five different people, and I seen where you wrote each of ’em that it was just what you wanted, and vou traded ‘em all in. When folks send you money you can say truthful it was just what you needed and you wouldn't have to battle through crowded stores the day after Christ- mas to turn it in for something else. What are vou getting me for Christ- mas—a pair of curtains for your room? What would you like?” asks Kate. More sentiment,” I sneers. “If T give you the dough, you'll buy me what T want. Suppose vou give me Jjust what I'm going to give you." “The same being?" inquires trau. “The same being,” I tells her, “a handsomely engraved nix and a zero with the rim removed. Not a thing do you get out of me this year and you're not going to get a dime to buy the me anything with, elther.” “Why don't you talk that speech into a phonograph,” remarks the misses, “and turn the record on each year about this time, It's the samo every Winter.” “Maybe,” I growls, “but I mean it this time, Somebody's got to put the brakes on this Christmas-giving stunt and it might as well be me.” “Oh, all right.” says the frau, vou insist, we won't give nobody any thing this year. Your folks'll have a fit but—"' “We got to send my Uncle Bill some- thing,” I cuts in. ‘"He's been pretty nice to and besides he's got a lot of dough and hardening of the ar- teries.’ 0,” says Kate, “if we send him au present we'll have to remember the rest, too. Uncle Bill's out.” ‘That's the trouble with you wom- en,” says I. “You always go to ex. tremes. Just because I don’'t want to Ro wild on presents you want to cut them out altogether.” “The way to stop giving is to stop,” insists the wife. “I'm not even going to send out cards this year.” “Forget it,” I yelps. “We don't want to be a lot of cheap skates. I don't object to spending a few hundred dol- lars and— But I do,” interrupts the misses. “You've got me convineed that Christ- mas giving is silly.” “Who sald it was silly “You did.” you're right. spend.” “Well,” says I. “you can cut out your folks, but I'm going to look after mine. They expeet something from me on Christmas and they're golng to get it. You can't pass up vour folks, either. You talk as if a thousand dol- lars was going to break us. As a matter of fact, I'm golng to spend more than that on & present for vou."” “When," inquires the wife, with a smile, “did engraved nixes and rimless zeros get to be so expensive “Maybe they're not. says I, mink coats come high."” “Mink coats?” gasps Kate. “I thought you didn't want to spend much money this Christmas! “What's the difference.” says I. “It's only once a year. Gosh, you're getting to be a tightwad. Giving presents is the most fun there is about Christ- mas. Don't you agree with me?” “No.” savs Kate. “If I did you'd fl‘!;:l‘ something wrong with the no- I demands. comes back Kate, “and Not a cent will we “but (Cobyriebt. 1925.) Perfect Fool Answers Some Questions About Prohibition and Other Troubles BY ED WYNN. Dear Mr. Wynn: 1 have always heard that living in the country is much healthier than living in the city. If this ig true, why is the air so much purer in the eountry? Yours truly, C. D. BOIL, Answer: The reasen the air is so pure in the eountry is because the farmers keep their windows closed. Dear Mr. Wynn: I read some sta- tistics compiled by the prohibition au thorities and they clajm that “‘whisky' kills more peopie than “bullet: Is this true? Your truly, JOHNNY WALKER. Yes, but that is merely be- cayse le prefor to be full of “whigky” than full of “bullets.” Dear Mr. Wynn: I have never trav- eled befc 80 am seeking somse infor- Answer: ably ain’t got no children at all or one or 2 gt the outside, and—well Clyde those poor girls al ng to feel none too kindly towards you and you needn’t never expect to open windows of yours ing Ring out of Chi,” ept mation. I understand that in every city there are two kinds of hotels— American and European. I know what is meant by an American hotel, but what {s a European hotel? Sincerely, I. WILL TOUR. Answer: You ean tell a European ;loul very easily. Fighting on every oor. Dear Mr. Wynn: I am a minister of & chureh and notice my congregations on Bunday are composed mostly of wemen. What do you suggest to help me get the men? Yours truly, 1. PREACH. Answer: Put a putting green in the rear of the church and reserve the 1ast twq rows for smoking. Dear Mr. Wynn: s it true that the average weight of a woman's cloth- ing, when she is dressed to go out in the evening, is 14 ounces? Yours truly, N. CREDIBLE. Answer: Yes. But that is only temporary, as & manufaeturer has Jjust announced an invention which makes shoes much lighter. Dear Mr. V:.vnn.’:nm very foud of fliowers and have plantsd n. tire bed of “Sallva Bulbs" tormn:xt Summer. 1 should like to plant an- other kind of flower that would make a pretty border for my “Saliva” blooms. - What do you suggest? Sincerely, ANN ASTOR. Answer: Inasmuch as you have an entire bed of “Saliva,” why not sur- round it with a border of “Spit- toonias?" Dear Mr. Wynn: I have been il} and my doctor advises “Chicken Livers.” Do you think they are healthy? Yours truly, EIFELE ALLIN. Answer: I never heard of a chicken complaining of its liver. Dear Mr. Wynn: Last night, as I “‘THANKS!" HE SAID, THEN ROBBED ME” was walking home. a man stopped me and asked me if 1 had seen a police- man in the neighborhood. I told him that T hadn’t seen a policeman for half an hour. “Thanks!” he said, then robbed me of my money and jewels. Do you think that was nice of him® Sincerely, 0. G. OGOSH. Answer next week. THE PERFECT FOOL. (Copyright, 1925.) Costly to Stop. EVERY time an eight-coach pas- senger train is slowed down to a stop from 30 miles an hour It costs the raflroad company 61 cents. To do the same with a 50-car freight train costs $1.75, according to Prof. A. J | Wood, head of the mechanical engi- { neering department at the Pennsyl- | vania State College. | 1 Uses for Insulin. l LTHOUGH insulin was at first in- tended only for the treatment of diabetes, it 1s now used by some for the treatment of tuberculosis, acidosis and hz::nhmldl-m. and good results have been reported.