Evening Star Newspaper, December 23, 1923, Page 63

THE SUNDAY STAR, WASHINGTON, Washington Student, Once Hunted By Russian Reds, Gives r-old grands ntacusene, former Rux- nter to the United Statew, mchool in HE beginning of the year 1917 was extremely trying for the whole of the Russian nation. The war had taken Russia's best men, leaving all home work upon women, slackers and those utterly unfit for military service. The transportation system of the country, never admirable, was strained to its utmost by the pressure | of the times. The administration of the government was overworked ow- ing to the urgency of war and could DOt meet its responsibilitles toward the population. Prices were soaring @nd the discontent grew more and more pronounced. Such a state of public mind was au ideal soil for the seed of German propaganda, and if you add to this the financial support given to the Russfan revolutionists by the British embassy, you have a conceptlon of the state in which Russia found ‘her- sclf in the spring of 1917. On the morning of February 28, 1917, In one of the big houses in Petrogram, our family was assembled for breakfast. The atmosphere was tense and all attempts at conver- sation were useless. Nobody dared touch upon the topic which was unpermost in all minds, The faces of the servants were sad. graver even than usual, and harmonized well with the whole picture. At intervals un- usual sounds came from the street, an occasional shot and the murmur of an angry crowd. Suddenly the doorbell rang and we Teard the tramp of heavy footsteps fa the hall, as a group of half- drynken men tumbled into the din- 1Lg reom. They were led by a tall rufan, whose cadaverous face was fllled w1th malignant intelligence. At his side there walked a very little man, pPlump and rosy, his whole face lit up by a kindly smile. The con- trast between those two was more than ridiculous. The rest of the group consisted of about half a dozen soldiers and workmen armed to the teeth and dls- . sustingly drunk. The leader turned to the table, ask- ing which one present was citizen s My father answered that he was the man in question. On hearing this the whole group of intruders covered him with their guns and the leader advised him to say good-by to his family, as there was very little chance of his seeing us again. At the time this was a novel experi- ence to us, and it was hard to keep up the appearance of composure and indifference. My father was led aw: and as we said good-by to him, in spite of our disturbed thoughts we could not but be amused at the absurd appearance of the captors, the little man point- ing a very big revolver up at my father and the big one pointing down at us with his “baby Erowning.” * ¥ ¥ % TH:\T day, with a heavy heart, I took up my self-imposed dutles. As the telephone system had not been in operation since the beginning of the disturbances, I used to make daily rounds of all the friends of our famlly, who had no means of com- munication with each other. Thelr experiences were very similar to ours and T was able to find many little ways of being useful to them. My age proved helpful in these er- rands, as nobody took account of a child In the general confusion, and I passed freely where no one else of my class could have gone withou: danger. Thus the whole street lite of Petrograd passed before me and, although I was very young, many scenes have photographed themselves 80 clearly In my mind that the flight of time ‘and the new experiences I have had since then were unable to dim them. I shall try to set them on paper. On the day of my father's arrest Y went into the street dressed as shabbily as I could be and mixed with the crowd. It was a lovely day. The alr was full of the first touch of spring, the trickle of water from thawing snow making a pleasant undertone. It was quite mild, the crowds were gayly dressed, no one understood what happened. * but everybody seemed happy and full of fun, At one corner I saw an old woman tearing her red petticoat Into ribbons and giving them right and left. I went up to her and asked why she was doing this. She told me, with tears in her eyes, that at last she was able to do something for our father, the emperor. And there were many like her. Orators had dimmed thelr brains with a lot of meaning- less foreign words and high-flown phrases and entangled them so deeply In the meshes of their eloquence that no -one knew what he wanted or| whether he wanted it at all, The only ones who stayed herofc- ally loyal through the whole of the revolution were the police, and by their admirable courage they gained the undying hatred of the mob. 1 witnessed a striking example of | this on that spring day. In the course of my wanderings I went down to the most beautiful part of the quay and saw a highly exclited group of workmen experimenting on the efficiency of their heels as a death-dealing agency. The victims were two policemen, their faces beaten in, a gruesome sight. If it had not been for thelr uniform it/ would have been difficult to say that they were human belngs. A little girl pushed herself through the crowd and lald herself on the body of a victim, trying to protect him. That seemed to para- 1lyse the crowd. But their leader was & man of resource. He took out his revolver and shot the girl. The mob returned to the interrupted amuse- went. * * ¥ ¥ EEPLY disgusted, I went to call | ALEXANDER C. BALASHE! IN RU: MANOFFS. | think this s as fine an exhibition o courage as has come within my ob- servation. At this time life in Petrograd was full of the most unselfish heroism and the basest meannesses. Then first I realized that life is elther evil or good. and that which seems the “golden mean” becomes in a crisis the one extremity or the other. To give a side light on the situa- tion of Russia in general at that time I shall relate the experlences of my youngest brother. That winter he had diphtheria and was sent to our country place in the south of Rus- sia for his health, When the revolu- tion broke out he was alone with his English governess and a doctor, We always had been on very good terms with our peasants. They all loved my father, but the propaganda was very strong, and the strongest talking point of our enemies was to say that my father had left them in a moment when they needed him most and that this was proof that he did not trust them and was afraid. The peasants became heated by the words of the orators and more still by the wine that was given out free- Iy to a point where they were pre- pared to go and burn down our house. Our superintendent saw that things were getting hot, so he took my brother, a boy of six, In the car into the center of the village where the crowd was congregated and, lifting him Into his arms, addressed the peasants with a simple but very forceful speech. The purport of it was that if my father had not trusted them he would never have left behind his youngest child under their pro- tection, and that they ought to look upon this act as the greatest compli- ment he could have pald them. The crowd cheered and, refusing to let my brother drive home, carried him back on their hands. That night there was a meeting in the village and all the revolutionary agents were hanged by the peasants. * % k% capital, I want to try to give a picture of the administration of the country in the first days of the revo- lution. At that time the emperor was at the front, but literally held pris- oner In his private railway car, and the governing power of the country was concentrated {n the hands of the duma (the Russian parliament). 1 had a chance to go into the palace where the duma was In session, and that which struck me most was the confusion end lack of organization that reigned there. . The wonderful old bullding was turned into a pig- sty. The marble floors were covered with® cigarette stumps, dirt, papers and every concelvable refuse. ~Wild- looking men were running from one room" to another, trying to do some- thing and' not knowing what to do, reminding one of a flock of sheep lost in a woods. Several different organisations looked upon themselves as holders of supreme powers and each thought it its duty to issue as many orders as possible, often not noticing that the new order was diametrically opposed to the last. They spoke of their love for their country and proclaimed the great dawn of liberty which had broken over Russla, while in their hearts all felt that things had gone ‘wrong and that they had lost control over the demoralised populace. They tried to regain it by giving greater and greater license to crime and to all the impulses of vulgarity and bestiaiity, while power was slipping further and further from their grasp. In May, 1917, my whole family left Petrograde for a little summer resort itn Finland, where life was peaceful and quiet, and if it had not been for upon an old retired general and the newspapers one might have SIA AT THE TIME OF Grandson of Former Minister to United ! | States Tells How Prominent Families Were i | Treated in Early Days of Revolution—Cruel- ties Inflicted Upon Children and Aged Persons. I | Many Instances of Heroism in Great Crises. OF HIS EXPERIENCES THE OVERTHROW OF THE RO- Washiogton Star Photo. had sought refuge in the Caucasus, hoping against hope that events would quiet down and that they ishould be able to come back to normal { conditions in the close future. The little health resort where we lived was packed, so we had no lack of company. Every one was trying to forget what had been seen and not to thi: future held. There were many who lived up to the advice to “eat, drink 2nd be merry, for tomorrow you may die.”” The pulse of life sas abnor- mally fast. Money was spent like water, and, although no one got sat- isfaction out of this hilarfous mood, all tried to pretend that they were having a very gay time. Then came the crash. * ¥ % % HE bolshevik troops occupied the Caucasus and the fun began. | During the following six months our ihouse was ransacked and looted seven- Ity-four times. Every member of our family had been under arrest. My elder brothers were condemned to death and ‘were able to save themselves only by Killing thelr escort on thelr way to jexecution and had to hide in the hills. I was left at the age of thirteen the eldest man in the family. In other |tamilies there was less than that. | There were no men at all. In some re- |spects I liked the situatlon. I felt ex- tremely important and people made a lot of fuss over me, both of which are productive of agreeable sensations. Life {was full of excitement and there was { no school. Having sketched the brightest side, T {shall show some aspects of the darkest side of life in those days. 1 had jolned an organization of boys, mostly younger than myself, who tried to annoy our enemles as much as we could and in several instances we were quite successful. So much so that the authorities pald more attention to us than was pleasant. We were all ar- rested. At the trial we were brought into the basement of the prison, some twelve COMING back to the life at the|little boys, and were judged by three Judges without an advocate. Two of them were Jews. The list of our crimes was read and our leader was pit under cross-examination. He refused to glve evidence that was asked of him. To get informa- tion they needed the bolsheviks in this instance used a very simple method. In the cellar they had one of those old-fashioned presses that once were used for bookbinding. One of the boy's hands was put Into this press and two,executionists began slowly crushing it. We were all bound hand and foot and compelled to watch this process. Our leader didn't say a word. After five minutes of this torture he lost consclousness. That evening he was shot. The rest of us were held as hostages dependent upon the operations of our friends, which, of course, did not stop their activities. After a week of life in a dirty prison, without any fdod except that which was brought by our own families, half of which was never is- sued to us, we were all sentenced to death. * x x % THE psychology of one condemned to death is hard to describe. Fear has no part in it.. One feels one's self smothered In & sea of thick, gray mist. Sometimes the most Inappro- priate 1deas possess one. I remember one of the boys relating a silly story out of his own past, and we all began to laugh. We laughed as though the { whole bunch of us had gone mad, and we were still laughing when the guard came to lead us out. The place of execution was on a hill about five miles out of town. As the his wife, both over seventy years of | ypougn¢ that things had not changed. | Polsheviks were considerate enough age. They lived in a little apartment house. Their living Toom was on the ground floor, so that they had a good view of all that happened in the street. They were both very indig- nant at all that was taking place and told me that they looked upon the army officers as cowards for not do- ing more to suppress the revolution. That couple proved the courage of their convictions within & few hours; for as they sat in the evening In front of their window they opened fire upon the passing mob. “With the last two cartridges the old general shot his.wife and then himesif. I ‘We Spent a very happy summer, pass- ing the.time in all kinds of outdoor sports. Gradually the horrors of the days in Petrograd became a matter of the past to us boys. That autumn we went to the Caucasus, as my father thought it the safest place for the family, while he remained in Petro- grad. b The wave of revolution had not yet rolled up to that distant part of Rus- sia, but it was coming—coming with a vengeance, 'gathefing momentum on its way. 2 Many of the best Rilasixn families £ not to want to spoil our clothes, we ‘were stripped bare in the prigon and then loaded onto a truck, bound, and traveled those five miles in a bitter frost. There were two -executioners. ‘When we reached the place they got to work. They shot. When six had lllllan they seemed to sicken of their Job, so they told the rest of us to run, warning that they would fire on us &8 we ran. We ran as we had never run before or since. A January night was closing in, the snow was deep, we had nowhere to go, and no clothes on us. I knew of » nk of the things which the ' 4iotideg G | inls feelings, His Story shepherd in the hill country who lived alone with his flock and I led the boys to him. Through the best part of the ‘night, running and stumbling, we made our way to his home. The old man did his best for us. We lay down on the floor of his little home before the open fire and stayed there for six days without getting up. The nervous tension told on us. We were il and wretched, with no plans for the tuture and very little hope. On the seventh day, dressed in clothes that were supplied by our shepherd friend, we bade him good-by and, each having chosen a different destination, we separated. Only three of us are alive now. I went to a little town in which I lived, doing odd jobs until I got news of a change of administration in the county where my family lived. I do not know the detalls of it, but my late bolshevik acquaintances had got them selves Into trouble, and an authorized delegation came from Moscow and the ringleaders were hanged. As I knew that no records were kept by the bol- shevika of their so-called legal proceed- ings, I felt myself quite safe to return. * % * ¥ WWHEN 1 came back to my family I found my grandmother, a lady of seventy-two, in prison, and my mother under arrest, doing compulsory work. Once a day I carried up provisions to the prisons, and used to time my visits | o that I could accompany an old lady, wife of a former secretary of agricul- ture and controller of the railroad. whose husband was in prison. Hers was a really tragic story, and when I compare the hardships through which our family passed with hers 1 see that God was very merciful to us. At the time we were making our daily visits to the prison this old lady had Just received news of the death of both of her sons, coupled with such awful detalls that I simply do not care to put them down. After a long period of suspense in prison her husband was killed, and she got news that her daugh- ter had gone through a thing far worse than death itself. All this happened to her in three or four months' time. Naturally it af- fected her brain, and the outcome was that she set fire to her house, trying to burn herself to death, as she thought the sufferings of burning would expiate ; the sin of suicide. 1 was present at the scene¢ of the fire, and as the old ‘lady loved and trusted, me, I went with a rescue party to try and get her out of the house. She flatly refused to leave, and while we were arguing with her the stalrcase burned through, and the only exit left to us was the window. rolled the old lady up lowered her on a rope. It was a hard time, but there were in a rug and ! many comic incidents worthy of rec- For an example, I knew an old ek who was living as the guest of one of my relatives. In one of the first raids on the house he was living in the bolsheviks were supposed to be looking for firearms, and on their round filled their pock- cts with knicknacks that were lying about the table. The old Greek watched them, working himself into a rage untll, losing all control over he told them plainly thtat they were a pack of thieves. The commissar ordered him to be shot. On hearing this the old gentle- man fell into a frenzy and. taking up a stick, began beating the commis- sar. Up to this point the scene had been very amusing. It suddenly be- came grave. One of the bolsheviks knocked the old man down with the butt of a rifle, so saving the dignity of his leader. I don't know what might have happened if & servant had not had the presence of mind to tell the in- vaders that such a thing as a wine cellar existed in the house. After getting them out of the room he gave each of them a glass of water with some pepper in it, pretending that 1t was alcohol, by that action turning the wrath of the soldlers against himself. His life was the penalty of his faithfulness. * * ¥ ¥ OME friends of mine were out- lawed by the bolsheviks, and any one seeing them was supposed to shoot them Instantly. Their house was open to the mob, and as I knew the things that they valued most and the place where the jewelry was hidden. I joined in the looting. It is one of the strangest sensations that I have ever experlenced, going into a familiar home in company with persons unfamiliar to the surround- ings and trying to get ahead of them while belng one of them. In this manner I was able to rescue a cart- load of valuabie things that my com- panions did not understand, and I was made the butt of their jokes for carrying off such trash as dis- colored family silver, old pictures and mellow worn rugs. During a rald on a house at that time so much as the finding of an old cartridge was enough to endan- ger the llves of all the occupants. I was present on an occasion when, during a rald, the chef rushed into the room and shoved a pistol into the hands of the French governe: who immediatély fainted, dropping the gun. As it was of vital impor- tance that it should not be discov- ered, her neighbor picked it up and shoved it into the pocket of his neighbor. At that moment the rald- ers entered the room and began to search the clothes we wore. This necessitated the smuggling of the pistol from one to another, and it was dnteresting to watch the faces, one by one, as each person felt the sun slip into his pocket. R OON after the episodes which I have Jjust related the white armies entered the Caucasus. I do not feel myself competent to give any Information about: that, for I have absolutely no material at hand, and in this case I cannot trust my memory for statistical details which would be necessary to prove my state ments. Even if I had them it would be impossible to give a satisfactory idea of the situation. History alone tan judge the men who led the white armies. Personally, I honor and re- spect them for their vallant, though unsuccessful, attempts to save their country. , 8o, skipping over several yea: T'll resume my narrative. It was In January, 1920, in N- . & port of the Black sea, where .the evacuation of Denikin's. army was taking place. The British put several ships s the disposal of Russian refugees, and ord. By force we| D. ¢, DECEMBER 23, 1923_PART 5. - 3™ TOGO AND HIS MARY CHRISTMAS Wallace Irwin's Letters of a Japanese Schoolboy. To' Editor The Star who should do something brilliant about ral ing high tariff on red ribbons dur- ing month of Dec. Dearest Sir: My brain refuse to ring bells in connection with annual Yale-tide jingling. Christmas will be Tuesday, yet what can I do to stop it? Approach up of that yearly give-away festivitty fill my elbows with tright. I could not get used to it, no matter how. Shall I tell you why, Mr. Editor? Then get ready to be shocked. I do not believe in Sandy Clause! Could you imagine that any person could be so disgusting like that? My thoughts gets very skiptickle about that Saint who was made in Ger- many. It were just like I told my Cousin Nogl last Wedsdy p.m. when he come to borra my cigar for a while, “Sandy Clause are a very jenny- wine person,” dictate Nogl. “Can- siderable people has met him. “Cansiderable people met Doc Cook I dictate, “yet do that make him very jenny-wine?’ “It are the Gen. Bellef that he keep an apartment in the N. Pole and come down sneekretly with siprise for everybody.” Nogl say this with firm- tooth expression. “Are you referring to Old Doc Cook or Old Doc Clause?’ I ask to know. “0ld Doc Clause, natchilly,” decry Nogi. “He are the friend of all doc- tors. Doc Frank Crane sayso. ‘Every child should know What you think now No child of mine. if any, shook hand with this Hon. Sandy Clause!” I otter. “No, Sarah! Nextly you know he will be selling them ofled stocks, which are too much.” “What make you so blue-hearted and pessimons?’ ollicute my close Cousin. “Would you shoot away all childish happiness from England, America, Ireland & New Jersey by insulting Sandy Clause? Ah, wickid Togo! You would not speak thusly if you ever met this nice Clause gen- tleman!” “Quite contrary,” 1 dib. “T speak { thusly because I once did meet Hon. Sandy Clause.” “0 goody.” exlam Nogi: “Take me on your knee & relate to me thls happy Christmas tall of Jjingling jsnow-balls, holly-fruit and good icheerfo! At what time you met this Mr. Clause & when?" | % tell you" 1 preuse with footlus expression peculiar to fried snakes “It happen about 2 yrs of yore while T was working for family name of Mrs & Mr Cutiass at Rock Pile, Conn. This were a very Pluto fam- {ily of high riches xo I slep fashion- lably in nice bedroom resembling | Pullman cars. shall * 5 % GYT were the night before Christmas & all through the house.’ Every- thing prepared for Mary Christmas to- morra. Down in mane dining-room Mrs. and Mr. Cutlass were draping {Tree with tinhorn fruit and other de- ceptive vegetables which would prove to their childern, Willle and Millle re- spectmully, that their parents was sim- flar to Hon. Geo. Washington, disabled to tell a lte. “Cousin Nogl, T spend happy evening there, listening through pantry while hearing those Cutlass family tell how they will play April Foolish joke on i their unexpecting children. They would show them the place In the Steam O the editor: As most people probably is aware, next Tues- day s the day set to one side for the annual celebration of Christmas which leaves only 1 day between now and then for shopping and it has occured to me that maybe some husbands and wifes is still in doubts as to what to give each other and vice versa as well as people who are not marred but just friends and any way a few suggestions from a old shopper and family man like I might not come amist. Personly I almost slipped up my- — e we had the luck to be among the proteges of the Union Jack. After a few days' waliting in port we were packed In the hold of a little vessel that had just brought cattle to Rus- I am not exactly certain, but the place looked as if it had not been cleaned after the cattle were un- loaded. We found It in an extremely uninhabitable condition. Although by this time I was used to this dls- comfort, still, when I looked our new quarters over, I took my blankets and with several other boys went up on deck. It was many degrees below zero, but we had a lot of blankets, as the English were very generoul with them. So we fixed ourselves a tent and were able by the exercise of some diplomacy to get a little stove. So we were nice and comfortable. the first night of this trip we met a storm and had to drop anchor. By morning the windward slde of the vessel was covered with a thick layer of ice and one of the anchors gave way under the strain. In answer to our radio Valdek Rous- seau, the glant of the French navy, which was stationed at N——, came to our rescue and sheltered us until the storm abated. We had to return to port to clear the ship of ice. It took a full day, and a5 we were leav- ing the coast of Russia the second time the bolsheviks entered the city, sending a farewell volley after us. That was the last I saw of Russia. During the voyage I had a comical experience. Among the passengers were two Itallan circus girls who by thetr vulgarity and bad temper aroused unanimous - dlsliki One day, as I was carrying a kettle of boiling water to make some tea for my mother, I had to go down into the hold. The staircase was very narrow and only one could pass at a time. My Italian fellow traveler was standing at the head of it, whistling & tune, I asked her to let me pass, but she paid no sttention. Twice I repeated. my request with the same result. I then tried to pass her without be- ing rough, at which she screamed that I was pushing her and began beating me in the most unmerciful fashion. 1 was flabbergasted. My hands were full with precious liquid, as tea was very hard to obtain, so I could not defend myself. After a few minutes the second Italian girl came and foined in the fray. I never got down staird with that tea. him. | i erable Ch: “HON. SANDY CLAUSE WERE HOLDING AN ENLARGED SHOOT-GU! Radiator where Hon. S. Clause come through. They would explan how the place where Hon. Cutlass axidentally drop a cocktail on the rug were a foot- prints from one (1) of Mr. Clause's rain-deers. All prepared for annual festival of untruth. *‘Oscar,’ say Mrs. Cutlass sweetishly, ‘do you not think Hon. Willle are get- ting too old to believe in Sandy Clause? “Not so!' derange Hon. Oscar. ‘I were nearly 19 yrs. old before T stopped belleving in Wm. Jenny Bryan.' “& etc until over 11 o'clock when 1 stop peeking and go up stairs so sleepy I was in a state of comma. “Up in my bedroom, Cousin Nogi, I lift_open my trunk & fetch out consid- stmas presints which I in- tend give to friends of Japanese and European extraction. For Uncle Nichi 1 got a patented tooth-brush what could be turned into a fountain pen by twist- Ing it that way. For Little Annie Ana- zuma, who are fond of fairy stories, T got a {llustrated book entitle ‘Jorgen.’ For you, Cousin Nogli, I got a original Spanish hickory humidoor where you could keep the cigars vou borra from me. “And so onwards to include one (1) pair mosquito proof stockings for Miss Suz! Obl who T go see in summer. “Cousin Nogl," I say so, “I fetch out all those sweetish Christmas presints & laid them surrounding my bed. To- morra, I think, I shall contribute them to all friendships T know. “Thinking thusly, 1 undressed my coat, pants & shirt which I carefully lynched on a chair. Then I go bed. O softly dreaming! O Mary Christmas eve! “But pretty soonly T dived right out of my slumber. What that? A sound of noise in my room! “Uplifting my tired brain T.look up- ward and beholt! Somebody resem- self this yr. as I had forgot it was December on acct. of the mild weather and it just come to me all of a sudden last wk. that I had not boughten nothing for the little woman to date. The worst of it was that I had already give her practally everything in the world at one time another you might say and the question was what could I select that would be pretty and at the same time something she could use to advantage. 1 spent all one afternoon walking up and down the main street of N. Y. city and was just about going to give up in despair when I come to a pho- tograph gallery where they adver- tised that they would take your pic- ture and finish it wile you walt. This not only solved the problem in regards to the wife but took care of some other friends and relatives as I had a 3% dozen of the pictures fiiished up. The Mrs. already has five |ask to know. bling Hon. Sandy Clause after he join the KKK come slooching through window. Distinctually 1 could see where he got his whisker tied up in a flower sack. This look very estranged to me, “'0 Hon. Sandy Clause!’ T gollup with glue in my words. ‘So joy to see you. I shall welcum you with bell!" ** “Weleum me with less noise, if con- venient,’ he narrate, and did not seem very Christlan. ““But should T not dance slightly while singing Christmas carrole? 1 negotiate. “‘See here!' he grub. ‘If you are not more silent knight in yr. behavior I shall make you dance out of the other side of yr. mouth.’ “Then, Cousin Nogi, I observe some- thing unnatural. Hon. Sandy Clause were holding an enlarged shoot-gun close to my frightened eyebrow. ‘Set still’ he nudge, ‘and 1 shall rave no trouble with you.' * ¥ ¥ * ¢\WITH immediate quickness he open one huj Bag and com- mence droppin all Christmas presints what stoed arpund my bed. ) horrus!’ I holla. ‘Sweethearted Mr. Clause, how darest you do that? | Christmas are not time for robbery “‘Where did you get that I D? he ‘Now tell me where vou keep watch & other money be- fore I make a blow-off of your head.’ “While he snatch my watch & 4.89% from my sacred pants he kep on whistling a eallmental song of title ‘There Are Smiles in every Sun- stroke’ At lastly he took every- thing, to include water-picher, my patented leather shoes, my Sunday school umbrella & etc. Hon. Bdg pretty full, by goll ‘Well, Mary Christmas, Togo!' he retork while lifting out of window. “'0 Sandy Claus’ I switch dread- or six likenesses of myselt but we live in a kind of large house and theys plenty rooms left where they aint no picture of me hanging on the wall and I know she wont have no trouble placing it. Other husbands living in towns where they have these kind of pho- tograph gallerles is welcome to this idear and the whole thing fis over in about 20 minutes so Monday s plenty of time to get it done. *x x NOTHER advantage in the above mentioned present is that sup- pose the husband has to be on the road a whole lot or wants to go south alone this winter or something, why your wife dont miss you % as much if she has got plenty of pictures around the house. It would not be a bad scheme for a husband that aint got no friends outside his wife to get a whole 4 dozen of the plc- e oAl nas \§\§\§\\§\ . “IF_ANY OR OUR FRIENDS EXPECT TO BE Vl'l‘llv US AT THE FESTIVE BOARD, I WILL SAY THAT A BOTTLE OF PRACTI- CALLY ANY LIQUID EXCEPT SOUP OR GRAVY WILL BE WEL- TO MY FRIGHTENED EYEBROW.” fully, ‘Do not go way before you an- swer me 9 or 14 questions.’ “‘Be rapid about it He deploy. have several other homes to make happy before sunrise a.m.’ “‘Answer me this,’ I snoll. ‘I never met you before. But persons has told me that Sandy Claus burst into houses to bring things inward. But here 1 dishcover you bringing things outward. How Is? “‘In every enlarged business such as mine’ he betray, ‘there must be two (2) Departments for satisty both ends. One of those are the Distribut- ing Dept.’ “‘& what are the other Dept.” require nervely. “The Collection Dept’ he chucker sofly. ‘& I are working in that Dept. to night." “With such exclamatus he grab fire-escape and elope away. I were sure he was Sandy Claus because I could hear him talking to his Rain Dears in snow-storm outslde. “Next morning a.m. Hon. Cutlass Family commence acting very th of July. “'Somebody got in house and robbed away my silverware, my elec- tric wrist-watch & 13 lbs. dlamond necklesses! holla Mrs & Mr in uni- corn. ‘Togo, did you see anybody clumbing porches last night? “‘Only Sandy Clause’ I punetilly. ““Why vou not tell us? they renig peevly. T wish him to be a siprise, Mrs Madam,’ T blemish. “‘Axept my Christmas wishe; growell Hon. Mr., and when nexly seen I were flowing through a win- dow with my knees in my stum- mick.” Hoping you are the same Yours truly Hashimura Toga. 1 devote (Copyright, 1923.) 'CHRISTMAS HINTS FROM LARDNER Suggests Giving Your Wife Photo of Yourself. tures finished up any way and give them all to her. The problem of a last minute pres- ent for @ wife to give the husband is a good deal more Hifficult. The chances are that the house is already cluttered up with pictures of her taken every % yr. from the time she was 3 days old, besides which she aint going to be satisfied with the kind of pictures 1 speak of which only comes to $1.50 for the six, but she would half to go to a joint where they soak you $80.000 for proofsalone and you get them from 3 to 4 months after the date of the setting. Well, in our own case this yr., we decided that the madam should give me something that she would also have use for herself and we finely hit on a up to date calendar for 1924 with another gal's picture painted on the outside. Personly this was a kind of a sac- rifice on my part as I genally always know what the date is and It dont make no difference any way, but a woman is all the time asking you what date s it and with the new calendar she wont half to ask no more but can just look at the calen- dar. Another pretty fair idear for the ‘wife to husband gift is a Elks button, & specially if the husband belongs to the Elks. I the case of friends giving pres- ents sto friends, It depends on whether or no you are invited to there house for Christmas dinner. If you are, why they's no happler thought than to take along some ai ticle of food or drink for the yule- tide table. Personly we cant give these kind of presents as we are never invited nowheres on acct. of being too many of us, but to any of our friends that expects to be with us at the festive board I will say that a bottle of practally any liquid except :water, soup or gravy will be welcome. To these same friends I might add that articles of apparel is always recd. politely a specially if they be the right size, like for inst. I wear 44 size underwear, 16 sise shirts with a 35 pleeve and size 11 hoslery plain black but prefer to pick out my own ties and pajamas. It is kind of hard for me to recom- mend what those of my readers who are strangers to me should pick out for there friends as I do not know there tastes to habits, but in making recommendations llke these it is always best to try and pick out some- thing that is neat and small and at the same time useful to man and woman alike so as a general rule I would say you cant make no mistake in giving a package of some first class dental floss. RING LARDNER. (Copyright, 1923. His Mistake. From the London Telegraph. A “My boy, where did you get that terrible black eye?" T wae & --uu-':f " I forgot to hold on Willié Brooks his ¢-¢-fost.”