Evening Star Newspaper, February 5, 1898, Page 14

THE EVENING ‘STAR, ‘Written for The Evening Star. The many friends of “Private” Joan Allen of the first Mississippi district in Congress are having considerable merri- ment at his expense and discomfiture just now. And it all comes about In this way: Allen is one of the greatest wits in the House. A dinner where good fellowship 1s expected would be as barren without Allen as it would be with the absence of the con- ventional and time-honored juice of the grape. Allen is the real article. When the Gridiron Club was preparing for its thirteenth anniversary banquet the Mississippi “private” was the first one cn the list to be sent an invitation, both be- cause of the fact that his name begins with the initial letter of the alphabet and be- cause the committee was anxious to assure its success. A week ago last Saturday night a car- riage rolled up in front of the Arlington. With elastic step, and clad in most fasnion- able full dress attire, Ailen alight+d and walked into the office. Accosting one of the clerks, he inquired blandly: “Will you kindly direct me to where the banquet is being held?” The clerk looked at the Mississippian in amazement. “What banquet do you refer to?’ he asked. “Why, the Gridiron Club banquet,” Allen replied. It then began to dawn upon the mind of the cierk that Mr. Allen had become mixed in his dates. “I guess you are off your trojiey, aren’t you?” asked the clerk good naturedly. “What do you mean?” demanded Allen. ou come around next Saturday night about this time and I shall be pieased to direct you to the banquet hall at to you the hospitality of the Ar “Can it be that I am in error? Allen soliloquized, as he fumbled about his pockets for the invitation. Finally he found it. He also learned beyond any ques- tion that he was just one week ahead in fi engagement. A iook of deep dis- gust pervaded his usual sanguine visage. Then the humorous side of the situation came to his view. ” he said to the clerk, “if any one on me I want to be that one.” The clerk promised secrecy. But the story was too good for Allen to keep. He told it to one of his near friends and now he hears it on every side. =. “It is surprising the number of rubber bands that are used in the mercantile busi- ness these days,” said a down-town drug- t a few nights ago, as he quickly snap- me around a five-cent package of sodi- um bicart te for a lady customer. We use hundreds of them every day, rmerly we used twine. The man- of rubber bands has become an enormous industry in this country, particu- lariy during the past few years. It is not half a dozen years ago hardly that rubber bands were used almest solely for filing papers and documents, and you seldom saw them us outside of a city hall or court house. Now you will scarcely find a drug stors or grocery that does not use them nore or less in place of twine in put- ting up the smalie- packages. “in the drug business the rubber band has become almost an indispensable article. A band may be adjusted about a package in one-third of the time that it takes to wind the twine around and break it off, as in the old way. And then the package can be made more symmetrical then by *he oid method. packax is inte’ Often in using twine all out of Shape, and a clerk who 1 his work does not like to age to leave his hands in such condition. Still it can’t be avoided when one is in a hurry. “Women particularly Mke the rubber bands, and, as a rule, they save them. It may not be generally known that a rubber band is the best known article for cleaning the teeth. I mean for removing the accu- mulations between the teeth and where a brush will not reach. Did you ever try it? No? Well, you do it and see if what I say is not the truth. The elasticity of rubber makes it much easier to penetrate between teeth that are the closest together, and it is far superior to a silken thread, which is used by many. Women also find rubber bands handy for elastic mouths in Work bags and small pouches. “I don’t know just to what extent rub- ber bands have encroached on the business of the twine manufacturers, but I do know that they are fast supplanting twine for use in putting up the smaller packages.” ee et & “One of the most prosperous druggists in the northwestern part of the city has not been shaved by another psrson than his wife in elever years,” said an E street doc- tor yesterday. “This druggist I speak of always presents a clean face. I revtr went into his store that he did not look as if he had just left @ barber's chair. A few nights ago & went into his to get a preseription com- As I entered the door I heard a om2 from back of the prescription nent. ‘Sit down,” it said, ‘and I will be with you in about five minutes.’ “I rec ized the veice as that of the I asked ‘What's the matter? e had time to answer me I had sh to the prescription counter d see a fine-looking woman, cognized as his wife, putting the Ss to a shav>. I watched ly, and I can say that she went the work with as much ease cern as the most accomplished rialist. lc his wife was shampooing and fix- ing up his hair he told me that he had not been in a barber shop for eleven yes -s, to get his hair cut, and that ..is s all that time had looked after peunded. through wi and w y he got into the habit of hav- ife shave him was easy, and one that almost any man might emulate. He was going around tha store one day with several days’ growth of hair on his face, when his Wife asked him why he didn’t get shaved ‘I have not the time to go to the barber op, darling,” was his reply. “The following day she called attention to the fact that he was frightful in ap- pearance and he gave the excuse that he tim “When she broached the matter on the following day, and he said he had no one to leav> in charge of the store, she took the matter in hand. and bought found. She went down town Ss gogd a razor as could be The e told him she was pre- to shave nim, and he could secrete f behind the pr2scription depart- He consented, and she is shaving him today.” et *£ * * & John H. Ryder, who died in Cleveland this week, was a photographer of world- wide reputation. He was a native of Itha- ca, N. Y., but went to Cleveland when he nty-five years old."A few years later Charles F. Browre appeared there and began his work as a loeal reporter on the Cleveland Plain Dealer. Browne and Ryder were fast friends. They lived to- gether and their room was a rendezvous for good fello’ who Iked fun. They were living together when Browne wrote his first letter, signed “Artemus Ward,” a name which afterward brought to him fame as the greatest American humorist. The names of “Jack” Ryder and his wife are mentioned In Artemus Ward’s books. Mrs. “Jack” Ryder had @ keen appreciation ot humor, such ss is rarely found in her sex. er ‘8 marriage, was @ daily caller at his home, and i bas been waid that meny of his jokes and funny “You—another time.”—Life. one gets the | yarns were friend’s wife. ‘To Washington photographers and lovers of the photographic art “Jack” Ryder was well known. His death will be generally regretted by the profession of which he was a shining light. xk eA “This cold snap has been a hard one on those office seekers who come to Washing- ton with more hope than money,” said a gentleman from Florida Friday. “I have been here less than twenty-four hours and have been accosted within that time by more than half a dozen southerners, whom I have known at one time or other. Each wanted to negotiate a modest loan, assur- ing me that he would pay it as soon as he got the position he was after. “Strange what delusion—a snare’ in some insiances—the change of administration means to some people. Some of the men who wanted to borrow of me I am absolute- ly positive the administration would not favor with an office, if there were a multi- piicity of them in excess of the applicants. Yet you could no more make them believe there was no show than you could make a mud turtle fly. I had to turn them all down. Some of them were deserving fel- lows, too. “One fellow from Georgia told me he had been in Washington since last April, and that he had been assured of a place. He said he was only waiting, and I think he will be waiting for many moons. The same ambition to work displayed at home would be productive of good results, more satis- factory results than waiting, as he is now, for a soft berth from the government.” kk ke kt A group of congressmen were telling stories in the cloak room of the House the cther day. One of them, a lawyer, told this experierce: “In the town where I first began the practice of the law there was an Irishman, Patrick McDonald, whom every one called Pat. Now, Pat was a good-hearted fellow, but he didn’t get aiong very well with his neighbors. “There was an easy-going fellow in the same town by the name of Wheelock. He was born in 1840, and his parents named him Harrison. In country towns the peo- ple are familiar with one another to the extent that names are abbreviated or para- phrased. Every one knew this man as ‘Hat’ Wheelock. “Well, Wheelcck and Pat had some words over a horse trade. The language used was more expressive than elegant. According to Pat's version of the affair Hat threat- ened to break his face. Anyway, Pat went before a justice of the peace and made affidavit that he was afraid that Hat would do him bodily injury. “Hat, of course, was arrested. He got me to defend him. When the case was called Pat took the stand and related the story of how Hat had threatened to injure him. When he was turned over to me for or xamination, I began: ““‘Now, Mr. McDonald, you say you are afraid of your life?’ “I am, sor,’ was his prompt reply. “Then you admit that Mr. Wheelock can whip you, do you?” “His Irish was up in a flash. “‘Not by a d—n sight, sor; I can whip half a dozen Ike him.’ ‘that’s all, your honor,’ I said to the justice, and he dismissed the case against Wheeldck.” inspirations from his old ————— ‘THE CUBAN DOLLAR. A Handsome Coin Placed on Sale in This City. The silver souvenir coin issued by the Cuban delegation to raise money for carrying on the war for Independence In that island was placed on sale recent? in a number of the local bote!s and business Places under tht direction of Mr. Ricardo Dia>-Aibertini, second secretary of the Cuban legation, and Mr. Gonzalo de Quesada, charge d'affaires. ‘The coin is about the size of the United States silver dollar and {s, if anything, a prettier design. The obverse side of the coin has the head of a beautiful woman, modeled after Miss Molina, a Cuban lady in New York, and the motto of the fight- ig Cubans, which, translated, means ‘country and Uberty.” On the reverse side are the words “re- public of Cuba,” and the coat of arms, above which is the Phrygian cap of Itbert: The upper section of the coat of arms ha: two peninsulas, that of Yucatan and that of Florida. Out of the sea between is the rising sun of liberty and a key, which rep- resents Cuba as the key to the Gulf of Mexico. In the left hand lower quarter of the coat of arms are five stripes, which on the Cuban flag are three of blue and two of white. The right-hand lower quarter haa the royal palm tree, the characteristic tree of Cuba, and a landscape of mountains and rivers. On this side of the coin are also six stars, representing the six states of Cuba. The coin contains about forty- five cents worth of silver and is redeema- ble at-one dollar when Cuba shall be free. Secretary Albertini said that the sale of the coin had been very good in Washing- ton, when everything is considered. The sale in New York, he said, was very large and a satisfactory amount of money for’ the Cuban cause was realized. Sete STEEL PENS. ‘The Demand is Increasing Steadily All the Time. “The demand for steel pens,” said a large wholesale dealer in this line of trade in New York to a writer for The Star, “is an- aually increasing, despite the enormous use of typewriting machines throughout the world. It is estimated that no less that 6,000,000 gross or 864,000,000 steel pens were sold in the United States last year. Of these about 432,000,000, or just half the to- tal number of pens consumed here, were manufactured in this country and the rest came from Germany, France and England. Prior to the civil war only a small number of steel pens were produced in America, but in 1860 a pen factory was established by an Englishman in Camden, N. J. For two or three years this manufacturer only employed ten or twelve hands. Today the works give steady occupation to over 500 people, who turn out about 1,800,000 gross of pens yearly. “The. first metallic pen is said to have been made by a man named Harrison in Birmingham, England, in 1780. These pens were made by hand for over a quarter of a century. They were punched out of a thin sheet of steel and then rounded into a bar- rel shape. The place where the slit was to be Was marked with a sharp chisel and be- fore tempering this was tapped with a small hammer until it cracked, which mark formed the slit. From such crude begin- nings has our modern steel pen evolved. “To such a state of perfection has pen- making machinery been brought, coupled with the division of labor and keen compe- tition of trade, that several firms now have an output of from 20,000 to 30,000 gross per week. The total production in Birming- ham, the greatest center in the world for gross, or 23,000,000 pens per week. The number country and fn Bugiand to hardly oseaitie: coun: o One of the prominent American manufact- urers turns out as many as 2,000 different styles of pens, and a leading maker in Bir- mingham has a catalogue of 5,000 varieties, which he keeps in stock, while many other patterns are made to order.” —_———— “But if I kiss you once no one will be any the wiser. “Oh, yes, there will.” “Who” a ROMANCE OF A VALENTINE “I have been noticing the valentines in the windows,” remarked the wholesale fruit dealer to The Staf reporter, “and I am reminded of an expertenee that 1 once had when I was in the fruit business in New Orleans. Two of my customers kept fruit stands near each other, one of them being @ man whom we called ‘Mike,’ because his name was Miaco, and the other a very pretty type of the Italian girl whese name was Favorita. She was a desperate co- quette and Miaco was a desperate loyer. That is to say, he became so. under the merciless coquetry of the girl.’ They had known each other for years, and’she had been his rival in trade for a year or so when he asked her to marry him. “It was about the season of St. Valen- tine, when the little birds mate, that Miaco, with a heart full of love for the pretty olive-skinned fruit seller, asked her to be his wife, and she, replying, told him she ‘would give him his answer in two days. It was then a week before the 14th of Febru- ary, and promptly her answer came, ‘bear- ing on its outer envelope the words, ‘Your Valentine.” With an eagerness alone pos- sessed by a warm-blooded Italian who is deeply in love, Miaco tore open the mis- sive, to find in it only an announcement to the effect that Favorita was soon to marry one Alessandro Malvo, a man of all others THE. CAT AND THE RIFLE ‘The drummer sat near the hotel window lcoking at an animated scrapping match taking place between a couple of Engiish sparrows in the gutter while half a dozen tore were dragging each other around by thé heads over a plete Of cheese in the street. “They remind me,” he said, “of ‘an ex- perience I had dowf in Virginia In Sep- tember. I was at the stofe of a customer oz°mine waiting for him to get through with some people, and as I sat tilted back against a tree in the shade the merchant's fourteen-year-old son came up with one of those little guns, generally called ‘cat rifles,’ over his shoulder. I asked him what he was going to do with the gun, and he asked me if I had ever seen his hunting layout. I hadn’t, and he invited me to come with him and see. We went into the house adjéiming the store, where the boy lived, and there on the porch I saw a big gray tomeat asleep. The boy gave a pe- culiar call and the cat was on his feet in an instant without knowing exactly what had caused it. When he saw the boy and the gun he came flying that way and jump- ed and played about the lad exactly as a hunting dog would have done. “Telling me to follow, the boy led the way out to the:street, closely accompanied by the cat. Pay for them o1 ul Pages used to ke considerable on the side by working fie" the representatives, helping to. mail their documents, writing for them and doing,various kinds of work. Since the bill was passed granting the rep- fesentatives private secretaries, of course oie has all changed. “Nowadays the pages can’t even listen tothe debates and have a chance to learn something that way, as was formerly the ease. Since Mr. Réed’s second term as Speaker he has made a great revolution in this respect. Now the pages are cooped up in quarters in the cloak rooms cn e!ther Written for The Evening Star. Bereavement. T’s sittin’ alone wif nuffin’ ’roun’ But my lonesomeness an’ me, An’ watchin’ de snow dat piles de groun’ An’ hangs fum de hick’ry tree. It's many a month sence I has knowed Whut real inj'yment is, running the elevator while the regular operator was getting his lunch. she exclaimed “you ought to be at school instead of trying to run an elevator.” “I'm not trying to run it,” was the an- swer. “I'm running tt. And if you wish to ride I will be happy to accommodate you. So far as any obligation to be at school is “ ‘A hundred yards from the| ., .| concerned, allow me to remind you thas most hated and feared by Misco. | vuess,| 24° of the House. it is a regular hotel | gate there were a lot of English sparrows | C2° eat Jonesomeness, it come an ee sae SF vlnce daring | bell boy arrangement;: matend of clapping |-feeding and wrangling in the strect, and| ___ STOW: —: » IRE Nate acter cote any, Place during | their hands, as they used to do, the repre= | the boy, anotlening me to be careful, be-| When de bull-frog done got fri questioning he: took toe"agiie atta ime fentatives when they want-a@ simply | gan to slip slowly up on-his quarry. The | +t oor an that Favorita had promised to be his wife ich a button. “This rings a il in the | cat in. the meantime -had slunk behind him, |.1 useter wait an’ ren when Pages’ rooms. There is an electric annun- clator which is the same as used in hotels for the bell boys, so. that At _can=be told directly where the boy is wanted. <I under- staud they are going still further to make the arrangement. savor of the bell boy po- — as there is talk of uniforming the ys. “When T first went in they had two chief Pages who got $1,000 salary, who were Supposed to look after the others. Now, as the boys sit on the long benches in the corners of the cloak room they are watched by an overseer, as he is called, who re- ceives a salary of $900. He watches the annunciator and when a bell rings sends a boy to the desk. So it is getting more and more like the hotel system all the time. ‘In the Senate they do not allow boys: over sixteen years of age, but it makes no difference in the House. When I was there some of them were twenty-four oF torenty- five years of age. A boy has to be twelve j Aah or more to occupy a position as page. ‘here are thirty-three ‘in the House and sixteen in the Serate.. The pages, I be- lieve, in the Supreme Court chamber are required to wear knee breeches when they are on duty, but this is not enforsed on the others. 5 “The boys I found were well posted on political affairs, and it is not surprising that Senator Gorman turned out as able a Folitician as he did when it is considered that he served as page in the Senate; They know the pedigree, as ‘it were, of. every senator or representative, and’ generally have nick-names for them, which would Frove very amusing if they did not fit so well in a number of cases. They can fore- but was intent upon the ,work in hand. As fer myself,s1.began.to..eatch the idea, and, of course, I was thoroughly inter- ested. At about fifty feet from the birds, for they seemed shyer than those I knew eisewhere, the boy banged away and wing- ed a bird. Instantly the cat was after it, and in a minute that bird was inside the cat. A little further down street the boy fired again, using the small B cartridge, which makes only about as much noise as a hand clap. This time he missed, and as the birds flew up to the trees the cat look- ed at him reproachfully. The next shot he was luckier and the cat got another bird. Twice the boy missed and the cat showed plainly how disgusted he was with that sort of shooting. But he waited for more, though evidently less interested, now that he had eaten two birds. At the next fire the boy barely touched a bird and the cat made a bound for it and missed it. He watched it a second as it disappeared, and then with cat-like un- reasonableness he refused to follow his master further and jumping over a fence he made a streak across lots for home. “No dog would ever do that way,’ said the boy, half disposed to send a B after the cat. “‘No,’ said I, ‘and I never before saw a cat that would do it.’ “The boy smiled at the way I put it, and as we went back to the store he told me what a hard task it was to teach a cat to hunt sparrows with a gun.” eee The Lucky Man. Smith was telling Jones about a romance and his joy had unbalanced him. He was locking for a lot of bananas, the finest he could get, to send to her, as a slight token of his esteem, and finally took ten large bunches, including three which I cautioned him particularly about, as tarantulas were suspected in their midst, though we had not been able to locate them. He smiled strangely at the information and went away after paying for the fruit. It was sent to him that evening in my wagon and I wrote a note calling his attention again to the danger of the deadly spider. “Of what happened after that I know nothing in detail. All I know is that on the morning of St. Valentine’s day there was great excitement down the street, and word came that the pretty Favorita had been bitten by a tarantula and was dying. The saddest part of it, said the old woman who told me, was that the spider was in a bunch of bananas that Favorita’s sweet- heart had given her—the fine Miaco, who was to have been her husband, though she had in a joke told him she was going to marry Alessandro. “This made a very unpleasant duty de- volve upon me, for I felt that I had in- formation which would come very near making Miaco a murderer, but, as it hap- pened, I was not called upon to testify in the case. Miaco told the story in a state- ment he left when he killed himself.” De sun wah gittin’ low, ‘He'd ailus staht a-tunin’ den, So serious-like an’ slow. An’ dah he'd sit an’ he'd sing to me Dem curious songs 0 his. Dis life ain’ half what it useter be Sence de bull-frog done got friz. I los’ de cricket wifout a sigh An’ de tree-toad f'um de bough. An’ I says, “good by, Mistuh Butterfly, You couldn’ sing none, nohow.” But I mus’ confess to my lonesomeness As de cold winds whine an’ whizz. My pleasures is little an’ growin’ less Sence de bull-frog done get friz. this is a legal holiday, and I am exempt from attendance at an’ institution where I am pleased to say T am at the head of most of my classes.” “You have no business trying to run that elevator, anyhow.” “You couldn't very well run it for your- self, you know.” “{'d rather try it than depend on you.” “For what reason?” “Because you,are too young to know any- thing about it.* “Madam, allow me to reassure you. elevator is operated by hydraulic sure, the principle relied on being that water exerts pressure in proportion to the height of a column rather than in propor- lion to the diameter. In making use of this characteris ater is admitted into * * Disconsolate. Mr. Blykins had been suffering with dys- pepsia and had, as is his custom at such times, taken occasion to discourse on his ill-luck and to criticise this earth and all of its inhabitants whose names are cur- rently mentioned in the newspapers. As @ remotely but adversely affected individ- ual, he had strenuousty objected to the manner in which all business, both privaie and public, is conducted, and had with difficulty curbed an impulse to hold his wife personally responsible for the whole trouble. “I am very sorry, dear,” she had said for —__.__ PUNISHED FOR FIBBING. Why He Denied Himself a Pilate of Tempting Blue Points. A well-known Washington man has paid | cast what is going to happen nearly as | in his lif2, Smith having been a bachelor, | tte Rineteenth or twentieth time, and her | a cylinder, the pres epee per ned the penalty of fashionable Abbing, ond his | Momscives’ Tensions, OF Fepresentatives | aged forty or in oxc2ss thereof, before he | Sentle patience at last made an impression | the use of valves and a stable equilibrium punishment coming by way of the stomach, | themselves. Talk about messenger toys | had fettered himself by chains matrimo. | OM him. While the bitterness of his mood did Dountaseisen: L ciel ge tute tele kus Tieca aigtael whist Teason! being up to snuff, why, they are not in it not abate, he began to comprehend its un- . “ nial. Jones, on.the contrary, had begun young, and there was much joy and ver- dure in his life, and he did not look at the world and the men and women of it with minutiae of this particular machine, which of course has its variations from other models,” he added as she gasped in as- tonishment, “but I doubt if you could fol- with the Senate and House pages. In the first place they are generally of a nigher order of intelligence, coming from excel- lent families, and the little schemes they ‘This is the way it happened: Mr. A.—who, by the way, has not been long married—met some out-of-town friends reasonableness, and as his asperity abated her own forbearance began to flag. “I'm afraid, dear,” she remarked, with ; ; low the technical terms whose use an ac- one morning last week and invited them | Work among themsatves. would do credit to | 2 cynics ose, the exceeding mellowness of tone which | low the technical terms wns weet” What & politician of an establisned reputation. | * ¢¥MC's sometimes betokens sarcasm, “that there - oak ah, oa mat & off-hand to dine that night. If they find anything out to the discredit And,” remarked Jones, in response to the is but one way in which you could possi- T wish to ure veges mga » after wi _ 4 “Come up and see what a charming little | of a member of Congréss they are not slow | stery that Smith was telling, “you say that | piy’Hs one ,W%} pees nel dig pened wife I have, and how cozily we are fixed,” | sometimes to také'adtantage of it for thelr | you and Brown courted the same lady for | “What do you mean?” on rae eee 1 - liberty to step in and ment out of my hand 7 ke its manage- own benefit in a most) innocent mayner. They are a high-minded set of fellows, however, and do credit,to themselves and their country.” = ten years?” “Exactly. That is to say, it may have been a month or six weeks shy of that, but, to all intents and purposes, it was ten years.” ‘How remarkable!” ‘Rather.” ‘And which was the lucky man?” “Oh, Brown, of course. If you knew me you'd know that I was never around when said he. - The friends agreed to come, and Mr. A. telephoned his wife to prepare for guests. It was Monday—bleak, blue Monday—and a@ new kitchen importation, a cranky range and a leak in the roof were among the stern realities of the day. In the face of these, Mrs. A. flew about and arranged a “You ought to be kin) His face brightened for an instant and then he frowned once more. “No,” he sighed, ‘it wouldn't be of any use. Not the slightest in the case of a man who has my habitual ill-luck. Even if I were a king I could perceive my finish. Some iniquitous ace would loom up and take me the first hand ‘round.’ x * The Strange Part if It. I love to hear a certain learned friend of mine orate On our modern degenerate eaRegh: aritss A Dress REHEARSAL. Peet § How a Debutante Hid 2 Taste of Real Soctety a:¥em*:Too Soon. institutions and their dire, state. inner calculated to astonish her husband’s | A g004 tory is goingthé rounds cancérn- | the lucky numbers'were being drawn.” Soar When he talks about the drama, how he friends. She concluded one of them must |ing one of the séasor"$ debutante’s, and | , YoU are to be pitied; really you are, a Incorrigible. scores the coryphees! be an ox-sweetheart, and her womanly in-|Sinco the heroine fells tt on herself, there.| 22%, MP. Smith,” de ees een Mr. Erastus Pinkley had found a corner | And asks how long the public will permit stinct was not at fault. is no impropriety jin m@king it publte. “Thank you, I am sure and Smith | 2ear the radiator in the hail of the large such things as th He speaks of our performers as mere pig- mies in an age Where there is no chance of viewing npai genius on the stage. And the plays are less than trifling and the wit which men should prize To buffoonery has weakened, which must needs demoralize— But he goes to see "em. Hubby came home an hour earlier than usual. Wifey was fresh and sweet and hopeful of the dinner, but joy was turned to grief when éix instead of four guests ar- Tived *$r dinner. ‘You see,” explained the husband of the ex-sweetheart, “we ran into Smith and Jones up at the brary. Knew you'd want to see them, so told them to come @long and see how well you were set- tled; what a jewel of a wife you had, and all that sort of thing. Hope it’s all right, old man?” Last winter Miss M-— was still in’ the school room, and thoug#i ‘she possessed So- cial aspirations, they were not gratified. by her mother, Ayjequsing from. ‘Philadelphia came.4o.spend;themoath of Sanuary with, the family, and/‘Weing°an ‘hetréss and ao: -accustomed'to going gfbut’a great deal, ker wardrobe was a thing of. wonderful fas Cination to little Miss M—. -Singularly enough, the figures of the two girls Were of trushed an incipient tear from his eye. “I don’t want to be inquisitive, or open any old wounds,” continued Jones, ‘but may I ask as a fri2nd how long ago it was that Brown married the lady?” ,; He didn’t marry her,” said Smith, with hasis. > bs + “Didn't. marry her?’ exclaimed Jones. “Why didn’t you say that he was the lucky man?” “Of course I did. I was the man who marrted her.” And Smith looked at the office building, and was dozing the hours away, regardless of calls for his services that might b2 arising elsewhere. One of the tenants who likes Erastus for his amiabijity, but de- oe his indolence, jappened to see him «there, and exclaimed: ‘*Why, Erastus, you don’t mean to deliberately tak> a hap in the middle of rr : ” s ns 2 ith an = And the novels that are published! How he ‘Oh, yes, all right; certainly,” returned | am exact size, ard the younger found eon- | simple-minded and guliztess Jones w! the day! . A. 5 d pale at the idea i » . the-}+ &ye that made the goose-fiesh stand out on ON % a uts "em “neath the lash Probe cel pees Poser ta i patent Herd stant delight in arraying herself in.. the fis Rasen Re 8 up and down ‘No, suh. I doesn’ P frippery belonging ta. her good-natured ccusin. Many an hour was devoted. to ficuneing about the third story with long skirts and hair tucked up under the’ latest bennet impcrtaticn, and there was much. secret practice with lorgnette and fan. Mrs. M—— and the rich cousin were plung- ed to the eyebrows in social gayeties, to the envy of the young daughter of the house. One day Mrs. M— was indisposed, and the rich ccusin vas confronted with. the necessity of attending by herself a must- cale, three teas and making the cabinet calls. When she bemoaned the fact of go- ing alone her youthful kinswoman was seized with an inspiration. “Oh, well,” said she, “lend me some of your clothes and let me go with you. Mother will never know anything about it.” Being as amiable as rich, the visitor con- sented, promising herself a treat in behold- ing her young cousin’s entrance into so- ciety. Only a short time was necessary for the changes of costume, and when the heiress appeared at Mrs. Blank’s musicale every one turned to look twice at the stun- ning little figure. It was a vision of bright eyes behind a tantalizing veil, rebeilious yellow curls carelessly knotted and feath- ers, laces, velvets and silks irresistibly Frenchy. If she was the sensation of the musicale, she was the universal rage at the teas. Every one wanted to meet her. Young men fell over themselves and ‘others to obtain deliberately mean to. But I's settin’ hyah, an’ ef anyfing hap- pens ter me I ain’ gwineter raise no ob- jection.” “Ah, Erastus, you ought to think of the future.” “Yassir. I ‘spose I ought.” “You ought to think of the golden hours that you have wasted in the past.” ‘assir."” “Even now, comparatively young as you are, you might do well to look back on your life with regret for the hours that you have squandered.” - “I knows it, boss; I knows it. I'd do it on’y foh on: fing. I’s thought ‘bout it many a time, an’ I can’t make up mer min’ which dem wasted hours is—de ones when I wah tnjyin’ merse’f aw de ones wken I wah hus’lin’ ’roun’.” * And wonders how the people can endure such tawdry trash. The authors and their managers without remorse he scores And declares that they're “pernicious” or “unmitigated bores. He vows that they are callow save in cases where we find Too much sophistication for the really well- bred mind. And he wishes for a bonfire which as tenance would claim Most volumes that have been and are be- coming known to fame— But he buys ‘em. the others were talking she managed to slip out and take counsel with the cook. Fortunately all things could be apportioned satisfactorily, with the exception of the oysters. By no calculation could blue points on the half shell for six be made to do duty for eight. Five plates were eked out, and Mr. A. upon learning the predica- ment heroically insisted upon going with- out. Dinner was served and the ex-sweetheart made herself very agreable. Sitting at Mr. A.’s right, she noticed his abstinence and remarked: ‘Don’t you eat oysters? I thought you used to be so fond of them.” “Never eat them,” replied Mr. A. ‘‘Beast- ly things—they never did agree with me, so T’ve given them up.” Then everybody took up the theme, and Mr. A. was condoled with, advised just how to cultivate a liking for oysters, until the arrival of soup put an end to the oyster subject. The next evening Mr. and Mrs. A. were invited to dine with the out-of-town friends at their hotel. The place is famous for its delicious table, and the party sat down to a well-laid board, upon which the oyster por- tions were already arranged. Mr. A. had forgotten his oyster predicament of the night before, but his wife was dismayed to see him plunge his fork into a succulent bivalve with all the satisfaction of a keen lover of the same. Meanwhile the ex- his, baek. —_— VERSATILE TO THE LAST DEGREE. An Ohio Farmer Who Combined Edi- torial Writing With Whitewashing. “Talking about versatility, what do you think of this?” asked a traveling man at Willard’s the other night, as he dove into the recesses of his inside coat pocket and brought forth a faded envelope, the edges and corners of which were well worn from carrying. “Read this. It's what I call versatility of the first water.” The card which appeared in the left-hand upper corner read as follows: If not oalled for in 10 days return to E, P. WHEELER (NASBY I), Madison, Ohfo. Correspondent for leading country papers in Northern Ohio. Editorials furnished promptly. And when he taiks of politics—that’s when his flinty ire Into the tinder of my duil strikes fire. He shows how politicians with their me- chanism bold Have quite usurped the places that ability should hold. And how some wily people will by plots and cunning snares Rank with the great and righteous in the national affairs. intelligence Growth ofa Great Man. The man who had come to Washington after an office was talking over old times with Colonel Stilwell. “Do you remember Mr. Gowans?” asked the visitor. “Puffeckly well,” Whitewashing done at reasonable rates. “How does that strike you?” asked the commercial traveler when The Star re- porter had finished reading. ‘That man Wheeler was a farmer. He lived about three miles from the Madison post office, where there was absolutely no news, but replied the colonel; ee. ee absolute ut | wputteckly.” With scorn he tells me how these politf- sweetheart was regarding Mr. as- | for her ice or a marron. he used to send stuff to the papers, just the 2 % tonishment. It was a moment for the dis-| “And all the time the little society fleag- | same. A dozen years ago he wot the gov. | “I believe he settled in your city, did he Se aseban tele soe ssi eine ib play of woman's wit, and Mrs. A. saved her | ling was quaking and fearing and blushing | ernment to locate.a post office at the cross- | not?” patriction ry husband by giving utterance to a shrill/and suffering agonles behind the vell. It | roads, and it was named Wheeler. He died | ye. gun.” trade— s shriek and jumping upon a chalr. was embarrassing to acknowledge that she | about three years ago, but the post office But he votes for ‘em. “A mouse, a mouse,” she cried. Quick as a flash every one was up, and Mr. A. rush- ing to the resue of his wife received an @gonized warning that was fairly hissed into his ear. “You do not eat oysters. Beastly things, you know.” Light dawned upon the mind of Mr. A., and because he thad chosen to fib at his own table, he was obliged to forego the most Perfectly iced plate of blue points that ever tantalized a man’s appetite. However much Mr. A. suffered in fore- going the oysters, he pronounced Mrs. A. a brick for the saving of his reputation in the eyes of her ex-sweetheart. Some wo- men would not have been as amiable. “He didn't seem to have a great-deal of ambition when I knew him.” “There’s where you show yourself a pore judge of human nature, suh. I nevvuh saw a man get along fastuh in our community, suh.” “Perhaps I did him an injustice.” “You undoubtedly did, suh. Why, befo’ he had been there three weeks he had got to be a major; in less than six months he was known as ‘colonel,’ and when I left a great many people were alludin’ to him as ‘general.’ ” “Still, that doesn’t prove that he has ac- complished anything practical.” “Don’t mistake, suh; don’t imagine that he has wasted his opportunities. A man cannot achieve all things at once, suh. His rise was gradual, but sure. I didn’t tell you what happened to him aftuh I left the city. Step by step he made -.s way, suh, from major to colonel and from colonel to general, and still onward and upward, until now, suh, he has got to be a real postmas- ‘was not going to this and that social func- tion, had not seen the latest theatrical suc- cess, did not even know the visiting noble- man all the girls were raving over. Deeper and deeper she became involved, and the number of fibs necessary to invent para- lyzed her conscience. = And the little Miss M— breathed a sigh of relief when, arrayed in her own ankle- length gown, she was safely installed in her own tome. Presumably her trials were ended. But not so; there were consequences to be faced. ‘The next morning Mrs. M- appeared at the breakfast table, and m‘the bunch of mail there were several small envelopes ad- dressed to Miss M—. Also there were others with the inscription Mr. and Mrs. M— and Miss M—. Mrs. passed these over with only an elevation of the eyebrows, but her daughter thought it wise to leave the room. Opening her private let- ters, Mrs. M— read a note from a friend apologizing for a si (error and inviting Miss M— to assiit at‘her at home that afternoon.-A second ‘Hote contained an apology for not haying, invited Miss M—- Keeps his name green. “Why, that fellow couldn’t write a single sentence without its being funny. And-he did it unconsciously. Here is a paragraph taken from the Wheeler correspondence to the county paper: “‘Ezra Hoskins will build an addition to his barn the coming spring. Such is life.’ “His writings were so funny that the people insisted on having more news from Wheeler. One of the Cleveland papers en- joyed his literary labors so much that it got him to write editorials on the most pro- found topics, and they were printed on the editorial page, too. “Wheeler was paid at space rates, and he actually thought that he was one of the greatest writers and thinkers in the coun- try. The poor fellow went to his grave without knowing that he was amusing his fellow man.” SSS A Remarkable Battle. “Not by a d—4d sight, am I,’ he said: ‘but I am’a-goin’ to cut you up so a can- nin’ factory wouldn't take you,’ and he ——>—_—_ Some Benefits of a Lawyer. From the Kansas City Star. James Moore, a slender young lad, is @ living example of a person serving five months in jail for an offense that Judge Wofford this morning said was deserving of only one day's punishment. Last August Moore was arrested on com- plaint of a negro twice his size for felo- nious assault. Moore employed an attor- ney, and when the case came before Jus- tice’ Joyce he asked for a ten days’ con- tinuance. This was granted and Moore went back to jail. Then a change ot venue was asked to Justice Hawthorne’ court, and after a month's delay the bri liant ‘attorney waived examination. The grand jury saw nothing in the case, so didn’t consider “. This brought it before Judge Wofford this morning, who, after five minutes’ consideration, sent the boy to jail for one day. This is about the sen- tence Moore would have received had his ‘The Queen’s English. From the New York Weekly. Ehglishman—“I ye knaw, what's the bookage to Boston?” Raflroad Ticket Clerk—“The whatage?” Englishman—“The bookage, ye knaw—the tariff. What's th’ tariff?” rs , ter, with compensation amounting to at A be oeereg Clerk—“I haven't time to talk poli-|¢5 a debutante 1u1 inegh’ on the previous leaped in again and made a lunge with his | least $000 per annum, suh. ” case a get orcas soe last August. g 2 aay ee ae pletely mystified, | girk at Noble's face. But Noble's face Ron “Could I sell you a Bible?” asked the This visitor called hurriedty to Ct set wasn't there. Noble dodged suddenly, and The Head of His Classes. agent. rised that, Mr = was Finn fell against the bar with the whirl of “I guess not,” replied the real estate ee en, bere The nervous lady who lives in an apart- | 4.1.Su0s not” replied the real estate — had made. When he turned | ent house was not only surprised but in- the next office. He has a sort of mania for dignant to find the janitor’s small son journal. Tare books.”"—Indianapolis J. to be weaponiess. Finn made at him again and gave another frightful side sweep with one fell in love wit an unexpected v: in’ my young peo- | his dirk for Noble's head. He migsed again, A PLEASANT PROSPECT. ple’s dinner tonight.” and Gus landed a hard one with Tight | From Harper's Basar. Mrs. M—— gasped out: “‘There must be | fist on the mule-whacker’s right ear. Finn some mistake; I havecn@ daughter in so- | winced, but he was a pow man, and it jety.” : ) “Why, your niece intr: interrupted the as' this tim ; Hey, fellere, here's 4e bloke a-comin’ wot sprinkled ashes on ow ir. cee seen ST Bony a + : bd