Evening Star Newspaper, March 27, 1897, Page 14

THE EVENING STAR, SATURDAY, MARCH 27, 1897-24 PAGES. {da bett-Fitzsimmons engaged in olored people and for the . which were just in are having their fun in frie moment they ring the past a number of s, and many of them jar eld Indian set- free from any of ( which have al- wns which a ment and as a guarz at it is righ hem better to is- than other j duriag the greater results ink that an. t week in March es of bed verm 1 bugs crawl proprietary arly—and b ough in many ways, but no t good enough methods of raising taxes,” who has just ret a Star revorter, advance of anything I have © is a special prize for nd an equal char or at least they kind of a lottery at- very twen- h payer gets a prize daily or weekly > property pay taxes For this ticket the: m the capital,which ‘wn to a prize ten rice of the tcket. thousand di t end or be me prizes come would fail unies ai family or per- It does not need Havana are # ticket even !f they have to neal OF two to get It. again. The weekly drawings are entirely dependent of the monthly or grand draw- ings, when the capital prize sometimes runs up as high as ten thousand dollars in | Spanish money. Often I have seen the | priests of the churches selling lottery tick- ets from a stand erected just outside of the churches. The churches in this way pay their own taxes, the sale taking place af- | ter each of the morning services on Sun- By this means the government raises, a very large amount of money. The prize feature of it, or lottery, makes it very at- active, and people pay in a great deal of money without even knowing it.” eee ce “It is not generally known,” said Mr. Gustav Bender, a clerk in the War Depart- ment, to a Star reporter, “that a herd of wild camels in Arizona. not seen any myself of late years, but I have plenty of information that they still exist there. one years it has grown constantly Originally the government bought a herd mels in Arabia, paying $30,000 for the ‘The purchase was made by act of pngress of March 3, 1855, on the recommendation of President Pierce, Jefferson Davis, who was his Secretary of . took an active part in the purchase, idea being, for there were no railroads 1 across, the continent, that they could <i for beasts of burden much more advantageously than horses, oxen or mules The experiment, however, | for the reason that, while the can get goo€ service out of camels, as they pack ail their goods in bundles, Americans always box their goods, and the boxes could not be carried by the camels to any advantage. While the experiment was in progress the railroad came along, and that was the last of the camels as far as the gbv- ernment was concerned. The camels were turned loose to look out for themselves. Since then I have bou in Arizona at all pric to $100. been in Arizona for some years, nformation ernment are yet to be seen in the moun- tains in southern Shrewberg. zoos of this c companies were raised in Arizona.” * * * * ani more convinced, by the success of the Sanday afternoon opening of the Cor- coran Art Gallery thai it will not be long before the next step will he taken, and | that the National Museum will be soon eyened to the public on Sunday after- neons,”” remarked a gentleman who has been prominent for some years in the Sun- ¥ opening movement. “Every argument at has been affectually used for the open- « of the art gailery can be used in equal force In support of the opening of the Na~ ynal Museum. I don't hear that any one has been injured by opening the art gallery en Sunday afternoons, and yet those who sed the movement predicted all kinds uits therefrom. It has been fre- y heard in other cities that the only 's open in Washington were the drink- irg saloons. Now we can inform our visi- tors that our Zoological Park and art gal- lery are also open, and that it will not be many years before the Botanical garden, the National Museum and the green hou! connected with the Agricultural Depart- ment will be opened a part of the day at least on Sundays. xe eK OK Accidents will happen sometimes, even to the veteran in official or social life. But when Mr. Grosvenor’s eloquence grew so | spirited Wednesday that his false teeth fiew out into space, very few knew it, ex- | cept those sitting close to him, and the adept manner in which he caught them | went to show that he is familiar with their freaks. It reminded a Kansan of a man whom he once knew, a prominent editor of | one of the largest newspapers In his state. Me had beautiful false teeth, but he didn’t love them, and when he had visitofs and | got into a reminiscent mood it was his habit to remove his teeth and play with them. In this manner they were liable to | get lost, and would be found in the most un- expected places. One day he absently maile them among a batch of letters, and the mischief was to pay, till he saw them ad- | vertised in his own paper. After that he | had his name engraved on the solid gold | plate and felt that he was quite safe. | When he talked very rapidly his teeth had startling habit of flying out picturesque improviser of profanity, and when he got excited his false teeth would often punctuate nis remarks by their sud- den appearance. One day his unfortunate | foreman was thus attacked, and the teeth struck him in one eye, nearly blinding him. He kept the teeth, sued and recovered dam- ages. os American Cabs at Cape Town. Poultney Bigelow in Harper's for April New Yorkers wonder, perhaps, what has become of the gaudy omnibuses which once Many of pled up and down 5th avenue. them are now in service at the Cape, tak- ing people to and from the docks. It was odd to see painted on the sides of these "buses the old familiar pictures represent- ing Indians chasing buffaloes, or a scene the I noticed here, as in other parts of South Africa, a large number of wagons, from the trotting on the Hudson river. American ‘buse: And besides Nght Amertcan buggy to the comfortable family carriage, whose roof partly shelters the driver. stat eee A Sybarite. From the Lady's Pictorial. Not long ago I wanted to define a “sybar- ite’ for the information of my young peo- ple, and I could not think of an apt illus- | but last week I went late tn the She was and her matd had placed all her bracelets and her necklace to | warm, before the fire upon a small cushion. id, her invariable habit in tration; evening to sing call on Lady for dinner, it was, she | winter to have her ornaments thus heated. In future I felt that I should not be at a less for a definition of the word “sybarite.”” — After Forty Years. | From tne Elgin Courant. An epitaph as curious in its way as any of the quaint gravestone inscriptions that have been recorded 1s on a tombstone in the cemetery of a suburb of Parts. vT quest, the line: “I am anxiously awaiting you. 1827."" tion: “Here I am. September 9, 1867." The Visitor—“And what are you going to make of him?” Mamma—“I want him to be a philanthropist.” “Why, there ts no money in that.” “But all the philanthropists have been very rich.”—Lifa, . of course, the street tramp draws a} | prize, and he is thus encouraged to Invest there is I have from others ‘This herd at time was very large, though of late smaller. and was made was a failure, Arabians ‘ht and sold camels . ranging from $15 As I have before said, I have not but my is that some of the descend- ents of the original purchase by the gov- Arizona, between Yuma Many of the camels tn the untry and with the circus He was a e husband died first, and beneath the record of his name was placed, at his re- July 30, When his widow died, forty years after, the following line completed her inscrip- = A HAUNTED HOUSE. A Strange Door and a Strange Story That Always Clung to It. The pension examiner, who had been on duty in a southern state, was in Washing- ton for a week or two, as is the custom among that class of public servants, and he was telling of what he had seen and heard in his bailiwick. “Oh, yes,” he said, in response to a query, “there were ‘ha’nts’ there, for where are they not where the darky prevails? But the real ghost of the whole section was in an old house known as Harley Hall. | The house was nearly a hundred years old, and as far back as the people could remem- ber it had the reputation of being haunted. This reputation had primarily grown out of the fact that in one of the great rooms of the house was a door, leading some- where, which never had been opened, as far as known, and which resisted every effort to open it. The room wag wain- scoted in oak nearly to the ceiling, and this door was only about six feet high and three feet wide, and seemed appropriate as the entrance to a secret chamber. It had heavy iron hinges and a heavy iron latch and staple, eaten deeply by the rust, en I saw it. “In response to a suggestion from the owner of the place, who was showing me over it and telling me the story of its ghost, I made an effort to get the door open, both by pulling at it and by putting my shoulder against !t and pushing with all my strength. I even went so far as to rig a kind of a clumsy jack against it to force it open, but it refused to budge an inch. I could tell that it was a well-made door by the sound it gave forth when pounded on, but there was no reason ap- parent why it should not open to reveal what was on the other side of iL. “The story was not a very weird one, consisting mostly of the rumor that on cer- tain nighis this door opened, and a former master of the house came forth to wander about. He had never done any harm or any good to any one, and on the whole the ghost story was rather tame. but the door was there, and there was a mystery about that which was still unsolved through all the years. “Last year the owner of the house, at my suggestion, opened the old hall for sum- mer boarders, and I led the van and took the room with the mysterlous door in St. Many’s the night I've sat and watched that door, and, often of moonlight nights, I've sat in the open window, waiting to see if the sweetness of the southern summer night would not tempt the old master to wander, but he never came forth to meet me. “One night, though, came the revelation of the mystery. A curtain in one of the windows of a wing of the house was blown into a candle flame, and five minutes later a fire was raging. Half an hour later the fire w out, but the wing adjoining my room had lost its upper half, exposing t wall of the main building. In the repairs that followed this wall was partly re- moved, and it was shown that the myste- rious door was not a door, but merely a joke on posterity, played by the original proprietor, who had had a heavy piece of oak put in the wainscoting and had carved it with his own hands to resemble a door. The hinges and latch he had put in to carry the trick to the very end. That door,” concluded the narrator, “by actual Measurement was fourteen inches thick and solider than a stone wall, so that it Was no wonder nobody could ever open it.” SEEM ALL RIGHT. WOULD An Excellent Reason Why a Man Should Have an Oflice. As the Washington correspondent of a well-known western newspaper was mov- ing ac the rotunda of the Capitol en route from the House to the Senate side he was approached by a decent-looking sort of a man who called him by name and in- troduced himself as Mr. Blank from Mis- sourt. “I'v2 been seeing you around the Capito! for some time,’ he said, “and was going to speak to you before, but thought I wouldn't trouble you until I had troubled every- body else That was considerate, anyhow,” laughed the corresponcent. ‘es, and I wish to goodness people were as considerate of me,” responded the Mis- souriaa rather disconsolately, it see ned. “What's wrong?” asked the correspond- ent, wondering what the man was after. “Well, I don't seem to be assessed a: my true value.” “Nobody is,"" contended the correspond- ent, good humoredly. “Two-thirds is the usual value of assessment, you «now.” I don’t get that much. In fact, I am utterly left out. “Oh,” exclaimed the newspaper man with # gleam of new Intelligence, “you are look- ing for an office, are you? “Exactly,” and in a moment of hurried explanation he communicated ‘iis fuil iden- The correspondent was almost overcome, and was sure he had hit upon a crazy man. “My dear sir,” he said in a tone of con- lation, “from what you tell me you are a nk democrat, and don’t you know that the present administration 1s not only re- publican, but repubifean to the backbone?” “Of course, I know it, and that’s why I went you to help me, You are a republican ard I've been tackling democrats entirely heretofore.”” “But I can’t do anything for you,” pro- tested the correspondent. ‘The administra- tion is republican and you are a demo- erat.” the applicant for a Job actually Ieoked hopeful. “That's just what I’m banking on,” he said. “For four years I’ve been working tooth and toenail to get something from the democrats, and never got so much as a smell. Now, don't it look reasonable to you that a man the democratic administra- tion wouldn't give the ghost of a show ought to be the very kind that the republi- can administration ought to take care of? Say, now, don't i > Written for ‘The Evening Star. CHILDREN IN HOLLAND. Little Lads and Lasses in a Scheren- nigen Kindergarten. Wandering through the crooked streets of the little fishing village of Schéreningen, from which the famous Dutch watering place takes its name, I heard merry shouts of laughter Issuing from a garden tnclosed by high walls. The gate was open and I peeped in. My curiosity was rewarded by one of the sweetest sights I have ever wit- nessed. About twenty little Dutch maids and lads, their ages varying from three to six years, were enjoying a game of ordi- nary American tag, while a little attendant of about twelve years stood by, busily knit- ting, while she watched them. A bell sounded; they all fell in line behind the Uttle knitter, and walked demurely, two by two, in a serpentine line around the garden and disappeared in a long hall, at the door of which each child took off its little wood- en shoes and held them in one hand behind its back. In the meantime the principal came out and invited me, by signs, to enter. In the hall I noticed the little sabots laid orderly side by side. There were three halls in this kindergarten; in each were fifty children, between the ages of three and six years— the girls in gowns to their ankles, held out in balloon fashion with haircioth petticoats, little white shawls pinned over the shoul- ders, and caps covering their straight yel- low locks. At this free kindergarten the children of the fisher folk, many of them fatherless, derive all care and attention. They are taught by the same methods used In Ger- many. All seemed bright and happy. In one room they were singing quaint little nursery rhymes about boats, so one little fellow made me understand by walking across the floor, rolling like a sailor, and then going through the motions of rowing a boat and pulling in nets. He with great glee made me understand that he would be a fisherman when he was “so big,” stretch- ing up his arms, and smoking an imaginary pipe. This amused the children so much, and made them shout and laugh so lead, that the teacher was obliged to send them to their seats and end our fun. = —_->——_ How He Expressed It. From Trath. Grymes—“The Lride was quite a popular |: girl, wasn’t she?” : Gobang—‘‘Yes, :ndeed. The Daily Whoop sent their sporting editor to report it. He aioe fete BG Cree ‘column long un 4 Those Who Also Ran.’ = iene ee It matters little what it is that you want whether a situation or a. servant—a “want” ad. in The Star will reach ths ‘peraon who ean fill your need. A MILLION DOLLARS. The Amouht an Ohio Office Seeker Once Almost Had in His Possession. He was a man frcm Ohio, in Washington on political’ busiress exclusively, and in that department of politics coming under the head of rewards and endowmenis. “I've got a promise,” he said, cheerfully, to a Star mah, “but I have arrived at an age when I don’t believe I have anything sure until I have it sure. Which reminds me of an incident once in my career ex- emplifying the same. About twenty years ago, when I was, say, twenty-five, I had some business in Cincinnati, and I went down on a@ morning train from the east from Columbus, where I was living at the time. I took a seat in the smoker of the sleeper to enjoy my after-breakfast cigar, and in a few minutes I was joined by a handsome, finely dressed man of sixty or sixty-five. He paid no attention to me, de- veting himself to a pile of legal-looking papers which he took out of ais pocket. “Half an hour later, however, he seemed to see me for the first time, and the sight of me appeared to startle him. He stared at me until I became nervous, and was go- ing out, when he begged my pardon in the gentlest, sweetest way imaginable, and asked me my name. I told him, and that gave him another start. Thep he asked me a lot more questions, the answers to which pieased him more and more, and finally Lis fece fairly beamed, and taking me by the hend he told me that I was the very man he was looking for, as a distant relative of mine in the east had died, leaving me an estate of a million dollars. “I gave the nice old gentieman the ele- gant ‘haw, haw,’ whicl hurt his feelings very much, and told him I didn’t have any rich kin, and, if I did have, I would only believe he or she was dead and had left me a fortune when I got my hands on part of it. In other words, I thought the old party was a crank of some sort. But he upset all my notions in a minute by going into his breast pocket after a package, and taking from it ten one hundred dollar bills, handed the amount to me. Then I had hot and cold chills-and creeping sensations, and in my nervousness I actually bit the bills to see if they were good. All this time the old gentleman was enjoying my good fortune more than I was, and kept asking me if I believed him now, and other questions of the same kind. “I put the thousand around in my pockets for safe keeping, and after a while I cooled down enough to start in on a million cr two questions I wanted to ask my new friend and benefactor about who this rela- tive was, and how I happened to be the lucky legatee, and more of the same kind. He answered everything as a law and gave me his address in Philadelpnia, where I was to meet him in two weeks for a final settlement preparatory to my tak- ing possession of the estate. “For quite awhile after we had finished our talk I gave myself over to celigh(ful dreams, and every few minutes would take a hundred-dollac bill out of my pocket and look at it to serve as a pinch to let me know I was actually awake and had money right there. As the train came into the suburbs of Cincinnati the porter came in to dust his passengers, and I stood up to get mine, when, just as I was telling my companion ‘what hotel I was stopping at he jumped for me, and, with an oath, bore me to the floor, knocking the porte clear out of the smoker. There was a scrap for an instant, relieved by the con- ductor and the porter, and when we ros to our feet, and I was so surprised Iw speechless, the old gentleman charged me with stealing a thousand dollars from hi and demanded that the conductor sea: me. This was be i isdiction, however, and to relieve him went through myself and handed over the ten $100 bills. J thought that would end i and that an explanation would satisfy th conductor, but the old gentleman, valmest manner, insisted upon his char and, further insisted that I be turned o to the police as soon as the train reache the depot. 1 offered my explaz insisted that the old fellow was crazy he was so much cooler than I was, i kept his temper so much more equably than I did mine, that the case went against me, and the conductor and porter both sided with the other man. “There was but little time to argue the matter, and I began to think that I would spend the day in a prison cell or some other equally uncomfortable place, when the train slowed up and stopped in the depot. I told the conductor to bring on his officers and take me away, and in a few minutes railroad detecttve came into the compart- ment, which, by the way, had been closed so that the other passengers didn’t know what was going on there. As he entered the door, the old man, who had been sitting in the corner, gave a yell that would have frozen the water in the steam botler, and jumped square upon the detective, fingers at his throat. He was like a devil, and when the conductor, the porter and myself got the detective out of the en- tanglement, he looked as if he had been run over by a slow freight, and the old man was snapping at everything Ike a mad dog. “Phat was all the evidence T wanted, and my old friend was turned over to the au- thorities instead of my greatly to my éomfort and peace of mind. Later I learned that his malady had come upon him unexpectedly, though he had been in failing health for several months. He was a very rich man, and had been attending right along to all his business, and was at the time of my meeting him on his way to see the heir of an estate of which he was a trustee. When he died, three months later, he had not sufficiently recovered his wits to leave me that thousand dollars, which had for a time given me the most delightful feelings 1 ever experienced in the whole course of my life.” >— “Want” ads. in The Star pay because they bring answers. gees Romance and Reality. Oh, love! Oh, rapture! ‘Two years ago he came up out of the west to Washington, as so many do, with his bonnie, bonnie bride, and there was nothing on earth too good for her. He: watched her as an eagle watches its young, and he stood between her and ev- ery blast that blew. He got up early in the morning to ran- sack the dictionary for new adjectives descriptive of his joy, and he was unspar- ing in his condemnation of lexicographers who were so poor in language. He_came to Washington in the glorious time of spring, and he reveled in all the juxuries of the most beautiful capital city in the world. He paid as much as thirty dollars a day at the hotel where he stopped with the dearest object on earth, And he stayed there a whole week at those rates, not to mention incidentals. Last week at the same hotel, a man ar- rived and registered “H. J. Blank & w.” It was not eyen “& W.” When the clerk took a second look at the arrival he recognized him as the gen- tleman of two years ago. “Ah,” he. said, with the hospitable ef- fusiveness of all well-regulated hotel clerks, “how do you do? Haven’t seen you for some time. You had a great time when you were: here last. I presume you will want the same quarters you had before? Kind of @ sduvenir, don’t you know.” He didn't seem to be particularly pleased by the manner of the clerk, “What's! tha price of room and board?” he ‘satd, crisply. “Threesdollers a day up,” and the clerk spoke {n;-a disappointed tone. “Nothing Jower than that? “That’sithe lowest.” “Give us that,” said the guest, reaching for his satchtl. “It's no sign,” he added as -he moved away with the bell boy, “that becaus@ 2 man’s a fool once he’s a fool-all the time.” 9. ———>—— 1. Fohnnie’s Idea. : % From Harper's Bazar. “bh ond the conductor's jur- to write down the sentence, ‘ hat ts done cannot be undone,’ and add thereto your ideas of such @ condition of affairs.” Johnnle—“Will this do, msm?” in the | Written Exclusively for The Evening Star. Her Suggestion. ‘They are unassuming ople with ma friends who find that their natures mo given him hands, feet, teeth, legs and arms and made him taik like a poll parrot and | wag his tall like a terrier. If you go on imagining freaks Hike that you might as well cancel your membership in the tem- than compensate in genuineness for what ‘ ow'll alienate the tem- lack in polish, She was very anxtous | ver. I hope this will be <6 alled to see her hus- a is the first, that you when the physician called to ber tee ee band and she received with much gratitude any chances with a home-made spcec' his assurance that there was no immediate ‘. danger. “He seems hopeful,” said the wife; “and that is always in a sick person's faver.” “Oh, he'll get along all right,” was the * * A Variation. Having recently recovered from an atta of typhoid fever, which caused the los of reply. “I think, however, that I will give | her hair, a young woman of this city is him an expectorant.” obliged to wear a wig. In a moment of A shadow of ap’ aston cressed her | frolic, she took it off and hung it on the fuce and she remarked: PRS V5 TER ‘Of course, I don’t undertake to interfere |" “paxe it off the gas Jet, quick!” exclaimed in your business, doctor; but I wish you wouldn't, except as a iast resor You wish that I wouldn't do what?” Give him any expectorant.” Why, it will not do him any harm, and may help.” “You can't always tell. Medicines affect people differently. If I remember right that’s what the first doctor we had pre- ibed for him.’ "s very likely. : “It certainly took effect. That was sev- eral months ago and ever since McKinley election he’s been a-expecting and a-expect- ing in such a way that I ain't sure but the beat thing you could do would be to give | him something to drive it out of his sysiem altogether.” 3 her husband. “Why “It may make you light-headed.” She gazed at him in deep admiration and sal ‘That's just -splendid! You ar ever so clever! I'm going to remem and tell it to mother when she com When the t occurred, she waited until there was a lull in the conve with great deliberation, hung | the,chandelier before. Th | ed until she had attracted he: tior What made you do that?” was the nat- ural inquiry. ever and hat a “oh aimed the daughter. “How * * very re s of me. I shouldn't think cf doing such a thing.” EG 2) es “Why not?” inquired her husband, com- Pickaninny Jim's mother was greatly sur- | ing to her rescue prised and somewhat disturbed when the ecause-cr-a—that is to s: for the 1 the ing came through back yard hold- a goat by the ‘oh de lan’ sakes,” she exclaimed; “whut does yer mean roun’ dat Doan’ *s yer got a can inside de hous | reason that it may make me dizzy | She never m: reference to the | fortitude with which her mother met | 82 but sne did have some tie to say yout the egotism of 4 man laughs immoderately over attempts at humer. | who * * * An Impossible Un rinking. Mistuh Office stahted out de yuthuh day to seek de man, Sie Se xs ys, “I's gwineter do dis on a “tire- neter do: commit ly diff'unt plan. sination?” Dis'l be de one occasion when dey'll all be “No, mammy. You | satisfied, git de can opener an’ | An’ folks will bow an’ tip dah hats an’ bring it yere, case I p'int to me wif pride. dasn’ lef g “Whut does yer want it foh sisted. she per- a member of a ir geminan it an’ tol’ me dat I orter soshate f wif de band dat pertecks all dumb critters. An’ I tol’ "im I would, an’ dat’s s ‘bliged ter show some politeness dishere goat.” “But he doa uhk in no ky “I said all kin’s o' dumb cri Hit | mek no diffunce whether dey’s ani- 's or anamiies. Gimme de can opener.” “Whuffo?” “Didn’ I tell yer? “No. Yoh didn’ tell me nuffin. Yoh jes’ plained it to me."* “I wants ter feed it ter dishere goat. lie were passin’ by de gro fus’ t'lIng anybody knowed he done swal- lered a can o’ condensed milk wifout bitin’ inter it befo” han’, an’ I wants ter do whut y sto’ an’ de So he got ‘im a dahk lantern an’ put on his ovuh-she An’ "lowe give hisse’f his time to look | | | An’ he | | | | | > anuthuh gemmen dat aroun’ drivin’ a kyaht 4 whuppin’ “is | An’ he the went wif er fence picket, done made ‘im | a- So as not to run no chances of nobody tak- in’ fright. ‘Twas hahd foh him to ‘waken fum dat ) mighy pleasant dream, | But befo" h » cohner, he were "bliged | to drap ‘is scheme, "Case he done got clean confuse by de com- “Mistuh Office, Wanted to Move. It was nt yet 9 o'clock when a man of determined mien walked into the office cf the real estate dealer. ep "Im out'n de disapp‘int- I suppose you un- fest ee 5 = # | dertake to find al- j * | most any kind of “ * | property a man hap- More Decadence. pe to + Sacer pe Oh, pretty polysyllable, come hither while | aera we gurgle | aeinly Chimerical, hysterical and weirdly vapid | “Well, 'm here t praise; leave an order for a Fear not @ plagiarism, for there is no need | 00d. | Substan (al, to burgle hasn't any froz Another man’s ideas when we tread these | yard.” later wa: “A little lawn is We will just take words and with ‘em Ripple on in reckless rhythm, Excluding any thought that’s elther sen- sible or new; And, like happy little Fido, We will cut a dizzy dido And deciare the doodle-i-do’s on the rooty-toot-ty-too. How heartily the world once scorned im- pressionistie painting! And the poster—how they'd roast her! Now that dear, delirious girl Swoops out from every bill board, lke a half fainting. Then, why shovld not the muse of poesy contort and whirl? For the popular endurance Offers a complete assurance That the tonic for the chronic is a wild euphonie glee. You might think the poet “has ‘em,” Bu: it's quite the proper spasm, When he murmurs, “‘fizzum fazzum, ump- tarara, binktaree * * * An Uncertain Flight. “My dear,” said Senator Sorghum to his wife, “I want to read you something that you will be proud of.” “You haven't been having another vindi- cation, have you?” she inquired anxiously. “No. This is a speech.” ‘In whose interest?” This is another kind of an oration, my dear. It is not to be delivered c. 0. d. It is an ebullition of patriotism and I made it up myself. This is just the wind-up. I quote a few facts to sustain the position, which, in my previous remarks, I so elo- quently assume.” “You mean that you became so impressed with the belief that this country needs something that you could not refrain from lifting up your voice.” “N-no. Not exactly that. But I heard that some of my constituents have a lean- ing in this direction, and as anything I say about it isn't likely to make much difference in the long run, I thought I might as well get In line and give them something that would please. It is about our foreign policy. Now, listen.” He placed one hand in the bosom of his coat, held his manuscript at arm’s length, clear- ed his throat and proceeded: “I repeat it; the American eagle has put on his war paint. And as he goes whoop- ing over the prairie, brandishing the tom- ahawk of retribution in one hand and the scales of justice in the other, he takes every American citizen by the coat lapel and, leading him over to the great, gush- ing fountain of truth, holds him down to it ard makes him drink, whether he wouldst or not. The bird of freedom loves to extend the hand of hospitality to the stranger in distress, and at the same time stamp the tyrant under his iron heel. Cheers. His voice will go rolling down the corridors of time until, at one swoop, it knecks down the ten pins of prejudice ai the other end of the alley. Great applause. Like the lion in his majestic rage, he proudly lashes his tail, puts his paw on the chest of the oppressor and roars anew his challenge. Cries of hurrah for Sorg- hum. The olive branch in his beak is not more dear to him than the laurel on his brow. With clinched teeth he will hang onto both and attain the pinnacte of na- tior. glory, where, as he spreads his bi protecting pinions o'er the world, he can cross his legs in comfort and view the arena in which no antagonist could boast of having landed a successful up- percut. Prolonged enthusiasm, which the chair is powerless to suppress.” He wiped his brow and inquired what do you think hat for a shef doover? 'm afraid you don’t realize what you've -gone and done,” was the answer. ‘What do you mean?” “You've taken liberties with the Ameri- can eagle that'll be used against you in the next election as sure as fate. In ad- dition to his natural belongings you have | generally | desirable.” “I want this house to stand up so close to the sidewalk ‘hat | there won't be an opening for a single blade of grass to wriggle through. Dent make any mistake about that. And what's more | 1 want it In a neighborhood so high-to and haughty that folks ain't able to recog nize one another unless they have their evenirg clothes on. If you'll find me such a place, I'l trade in my residence and give you anything more than what's reasonable considered to boot.” “What is your object in making the change?” “1 want to cut the grass.” n’t you do that where you are?” “I suppose some people could. But I haven't the nerve. I am a person of re- tiring taste I am fond of nature and it gives me an immense amount of enjoyment to scratch up the dirt a little bit in carly spring, sow some grass seed and then prance up and down behind a lawn mower two or three mornings a week to keep it in pe. That's my idea of enjoyment.” “It is certainly harmless and «conomical.” “Of course it is. And all I ask is to be let alone. But there’s no use of hoping for that. I tried it this morning. [ was neatly puncturing the soil here aud there with a rake when along came a neighbor. ‘Ah,’ said he, in a patronizing tone, ‘e gaged in bucolic exercises, I see.” Of course I couldn't deny it, and after giving me a chapter or two of advice he passed on. The man who lives a few doors farther up soon struck the trail. He paused and checr- ily hailed me with, ‘Well, well! tasting the delights of pastoral employment, are you? Giving yourself over to the responsibilities aceous prepagation, eh? “What did you do?” inquired the clerk “I submitted in silence. Several more came alorg and each had something to say. Presently the doctor who lives on the next block joined the procession. ‘Aha!’ said he, ‘I see you trying to invest the urban scene with the charm of mild rusticity and sylvan seclusion.’ “What did you do then?” asked the clerk, who had grown sympathetic. “I owned up. I told him ft hadn't seemed as bad as that when I started, but I guess- ed he was right, and I'd quit. I changed my clothes and came dcwn here. If you can't find the kind of a locality I deseribed get ine ene where the population is uncul- tured and sticks to a ratio of two syilables to the word, will you? I may seem queer, but I ain't any more so than the others. There can't be anything quecrer than the way your fellow man will let a stranger come along ard climb into your house by the front window to get the silverware or kidnap your children and then assemble it- self as an alert and critical audience the minute you start in to attend to your uwn affairs.” * x * Somewhat Confused. “I am ever and ever so glad!” exclaimed young Mrs. Torkins, who had been reading an out-of-town paper that her husband brought home. “What's the matter?” was the response. “Have you found something that pleases you in the society cclumn?” “You know very well that I am culti- vating a sensible taste always turn to the spor-s thing, just az you do. Anc L getting so that somes of i: seems reat In-iL” “What was the cause of your reicicing?” “We're In luck again.”* “What do vou nwan?’ “We can’t lose. I'm sure ne must be a wonder, because he is talked abeuy so much. It’s a positive relief to ne to find that he isn’t guing somewhcre lse.” “Will you have the kindness to tell me what you are talking about?* “Base ball, of We'll have to do without him a while, but this paper says he will be with us before the season gets very fac along. An: it will be ever so nice to havc someboJy who is so famous.” “To what personage do you refer?" he inquired a little frigidl,. “New, Charley, you sre just pretending! ‘The Truth RADAM’S MICROBE KILLER Want people to know exactly what it CURES ALL HUNAN DISEASES by killing all the No remedy can stop death after a lif re thousands ix to toll the trut If sick folks wil Remember that world for mor nd for a free book of fifty pages or Washington “What have > sentimental same as yours, eT SCOUT, Crawtord 0 Premature Demise. paragraphs inds of the en going the F of Capt. Jack announcing t made interesting apparently stop to this sort much alive, responsible for these report though it is pleasant to know shuttles off, 5 will be said of him dollar epitat And a Little Ianp th athwart the brow Bret Harte aud Joaquin hakespeare at the bein In the poets” special realm, What a lot of Hows will be there!” Written for The Ev, phesian Dome. Watchman on the walls afar fal earth above; the gates of Janus bar With bolts of triple love And as its angry w: And all unterded be, It to the world the torch alls 1 being free? No war fur any greed of gain Is worth a widowed wife, Or child ber ft, or father sivin, hed tn bloody strife A single human Ife, cradled in the heart That mekes Tasmanian devils start And pour a fiery flood O'er vale and mountain, moor and matty And drench the earth with blood. nd crescent, fh Who calls the battle ‘The flag whose Right is banded Might, With Peace upon its crest, All gleaming white iu morning light— ‘That banner is the best! Ho! Watchman on the walls afart Again the tigers rove; Chein up the Farles’ fiery car, Lest brutal Ares move— Janus lock and bar With bolts of triple loye! W. A. CROFFUT.