Evening Star Newspaper, December 26, 1896, Page 14

"THE EVENING STAR, SATURDAY, DECEMBER 26, 1890-24 PAGES. more travel on the roads,” re- marke the keeper of the toligate on the Brookville pike, “the week before Christ- mas any other week during the year. tmas week travel this 1 any two weeks 5 months. For a Jarge section of Maryland the Brookville pike is the most direct road to. Washington, and, while the travel ordinarily fs not very large, every one who can tries to get to the city during Christmas week. The country ; people took an enormous amount of stuff to the city this year, and as far as I could observe most of them spent every cent they got for their goods before they left the city. On their return trip they were Joaded up with clothing for themselves and their little ones, toys and lois of other things. * head, catarrh and the * ‘or a‘cold in the like,” said a jan, “the simplest remedy and one of the best that I know of ts to put a few drops of ammonia into the hands. ‘Then make a cup with the t Lreathe the fumes. o hands and This will clear out the throat also. For tonsilitis or even diph- ot know of anything better. It fy also very beneficial for croup, though, ef cour ildren do not know how to breathe it. For the annoying colds in the head which prevail at this time of the year it will be found effectual The fumes of ammonia are death to almost all forms of bacteria, and if it were frequently and gen- erally i. diphtheria as an epidemic would be unknown.” “Saccharin is one of the most wonderful of the coal tar produc observed a chemi nd, though it is but little known now on account of fts price, it is very likely to come into general use in time. Its sweet- ness is similar to that ar, but is over three hundred times as intense. Thus a teaspoonful of saccharin will do as much as three pounds of sugar. Saccharin is at present used only as a dietary preparation in cases of wiabetes and obe where are desired, but sugar is forbidden. war is very fattenin me persons, and it has to be disp h entirely in many cases. In such cases harin is of great The commercial value of it, however, $16 per pound, will keep it out of Very extensive until some less expen- sive way may liscovered to manufac- ture ee % “Thcugh our firm has been in the rope bus’ for ma id a traveling representative of a cordage hou: never knowingly soid a foot of has been used at an executicn. iffs and others have writ- ten us for rope which they were required ont n with their official du- to use in ne -cline ope makers are no = than other people, but or of having anything to is to be used at a © a hor a rope waich 1 which has been ised for 2 jail in Phila- delphia for over twe years has | timore hous based from a make y it jially for = that way very frequeht- e supplies many of the hout Maryland, Virginia and and other states. Whenever © an order for an execution rope i it to this Baltimore house, rfectly content to let them ve trade in that particular ** x * y comes in three grades,” ‘wh groceryman, “though yer in each thousand anything about it. These ets and extras. Nos. 1, 2 and 2. should measure thirteen om the tip of the nose to the are lumped under the gen- three. The and extras refer to the m3 that the heads and removed. In the case of iter the fish the better is Mackerei are also referred to and shores. This indicates caught. Shores are not as ckerel caught off nd known as {s- color. Those are known i is darker ae eRe newspaper man in town claims t s employ the incarnated sis ef the office boys of all ages. r ability and fatuous self-con- jayed the other day in the ornection : wishing to send his Mer- ave him the address columbia road.” On he found, that the een misspelled, and ion of the scribe to the an ¢ answered the don’t spell the man of K * * * x a wedding brings out more nts, cynical and other- d edifice on such oc- > happy couple ymoon. wiay night while the joyous was being celebrated {t was my to gatter these itenis of interest tracting ies: eed, She is at least two years S)and they say it's her first ma simpering spinster. cod-lookimg-~ and rich, ws how he made his he giti-in the ermine y e why, n't have her the critical called, seemed to be on road toward obtaining the eternal- a short time since, w: the city in loving style. She a lovely new grey gown with “bride” written all oyer it, and lest that Should not prove sufficient to publish their happiness, she clasped her white gloved hand around the sleeve of his new frock coat, and while he scanned the placard on the door of the Corcoran Art Gallery to ascertain which were free days, she gazed lovingly at his pointed beard. “It says here that Friday ts pay day,” en they jhe coved: | you think there are 50 cents worth of pic- } ture: the order has been re- | en and a half inches long, | terms | | of the neck. jit in Lenden nh any other public func- | } “now what do you think? . If in there, we'll go in, but for my part you are ail the picture I want to look at now.” “Oh, you must not say that, or every- body will know we were just married last Monday,” she expostulated, with a firmer stip on his right arm, “but 1 think that ‘whispering gallery’ that I have heard about up at the Capitol would be a great deal more fun;’ so they started for the other end of the avenue, where they might whisper their love to their hearts’ content. * * At the “hostess’ own” luncheon last week the conversation, after having thoroughly jsifted the mode of preparation of each | course, :rned with the ices on man and the kinds of girls that man liked. “I nave heard it said,” remarked the young hostess, that men prefer a wife who understands the ins and out of house- | keeping, but you all know that last year Mollie Randolph’s luncheons were the worst we went to, and see what an ador- ing husband she has. If the cook ifs sick, Harry gets up in the morning and sees about breakfast. If they are going to give any Find of an affair, Harry looks after tything, even to ordering the supper.” “That's true,” assented the blonde mem- ber, daintily tasting her pistache cream, “but then Mollie has just the soft kittenish ys that men love, and when she holds out those tiny hands of hers so beautifully manicured, no man with a heart in his body could bear the idea of her using those finger-tips for anything but playin, the mandohn under a pink-shaded lamp.” “Mollie's all right,"" chimed in the tailor- made girl, “she has studied her Harry to the dot, and while she knows that he is perfectly willing to make the fires, cook the meals, wait on the table and make the beds, in fact do general housework, there is one thing that he draws the line at and that is cross, sullen looks, so Mollie smiles and dimples at his efforts and al! goes well. Just for a contrast, look at Amy Goodloe we all went to school with. She was a perfect model in the way of ho: ping, but she was as cross as two sticks if her husband dropped ashes from his pipe on the parlor floor, or ran the window curtains up at different heights, and tke consequence is they are both try- ing for a divorce.” “But congeniality don't seem to make any difference in mating,”opined the changeable clans, that is amateurs, never care to marry musical persons and artists instead of falling in love with pos- ing. artis girls, generally go in for the most up-to-date girl they know.” “There must be something in love after ghed the sentimental one, “that un- explainable mutual attraction that defies the obstacles of bad housekeeping, lack of conge ity and general unsuitableness and mixes us up worse than guessing what useless presents we are going to get at Christmas. * * * * * 2 It was a “chimrey pot” hat, don’t you knew, and it stocd on the coping of the ciplomatic ‘y, right cver the Senate Goor. Pouf! a breath of air, and over it would have toppled on the think tank of some grave and reverend senator. Its owner had two charming ladies and a mon- icle to manage, and naturally hod to have both hands free. The attendant of the gallery eyed the “topper” ominously, and started down <o warn its owner that he was smashing a ate rule to smithereens, then he lost art and went back. Tiree times and the fourth landed his gam d up the hat, much to the surprise of ao reached for it. The ot- izns that it must not lie ing, and one of the iadies here on the catching on, iook the tiie and stowed it away on a seat beside her. The man with the “monic nrugged his shoulders and went on talking. Thus were the rules of | the august body vindicated and another foreign complication avoided. ek ek x nsas Is all right,” said Mr. Kirkpat- ck, whose boyish laugh is not a whit less cheery because he isn’t coming back next session. “She kicks over the traces once in a while, but she gets sorry for it soon after. She's sorry enovgh right now. Kan- sas keeps all the other states hustling to stay alongside of her. Why, down in Sedge vick county a sheep was sheared that beat the world’s record on weight of fleece, fifty-two pounds, if you please. Can you beat that? Smuggler, the horse that once startled the world with his gait, was a Kansas product, and a few weeks ago an- < horse, John R. Geniry, sold in New York city for $19,900. Oh, we raise a few things in Kansas besides pops and Mary Ellen Lease’s admonition. x eK * Senator Marion Butler is cultivating a head of hair that would do credit to the leader of a foot ball team or the big chicf of the Cheyennes. It is most long enough now to catch back with a bow at the nape In another week he can “do” “bag” fashion, and roll it back pompadour, a la Duchess of Marl- | borough style. ow To Make an Oriental Booth. “Starting with the idea that what we do shall be an aesthetic solace, indicative of one’s personality, let us consider first the construction of an ortental booth,” writes John Sparrowhawk, on “Divans and Cozy Corners" in the October Ladies’ Home Journal. “A cot bed, with legs sawed off, with a woven wire spring and a four-inch mat- | tress, will do for a serviceable couch. But to make a seat which ts not so apparently a makeshift, construct of rough boards a | square frame, six feet six inches long by four feet wide and fourteen inches deep. On | a line two inches below the upper edge all | around | apart. bore half-inch holes four inches Take a clothesline and lace back and forth through these holes, drawing the line tighth This makes a good spring for the mattress to rest upon. The front edge of the wooden frame should be beveled so that it will come sharp against the mat- tress. Cover the woodwork and cushion with a Bagdad curtain or some grasscloth. The canopy is where one’s inventive skill is put to the test, however, and no rules for draping will meet every condition. The available curtains, shawls or strips of cloth vary, and a general suggestion can only be offered. Experiment with pins until the de- sired effect is obtained and then sew or tack for permanency.” eee To Drive or From Answers. Roberts—“Hallo! low?” : Benson—“I'm almost crazy. I sent a let- ter to my broker, asking him whether he thought I was a fool, and another one to Miss Willets asking her to come for a drive Not to Drive. What's wrong, old fel- | with me, and I don't know which of them He—“Yes; if it were not for his occasion- ally lapsing into melody {t would be per- fect.’ A POLICEMAN’S EXPERIENCE. — = ‘What Does Not Happen as Often as It Should Happen: The wind was blowing a gale, bringing on its Invisible wings a sky full of sharp snow sprinkles, which beat on the windows and rattled through the leaffess trees as if the honters of the night were shooting the air full of bird shot, while im @ cosy corner sat a retired police officer, who Hstened at the crackling elements outside and shiv- ered to himself just to emphasize the fact that he didn’t have to go out into that sort of thing any more forever. “I remember,” he said to a Star reporter, “that it wasn’t just such a night as this when I had the most powerful argument I ever Teard, exemplifying the truth of the maxim: ‘Too many cooks spoil the u It was an unusually dark night, though, and as I pulled along the rough street in the suburban ward, where my duties led me when I first came on the force, I felt that a policeman’s lot was not a happy one, though at that time that very truthful little pcem hadn‘t becn thought of, though all of us knew the facts very well. At the country end of the street the houses were far apart and tbe last one was a big one and was occupied by a rich family. “I bad been expecting that some night it Would be raided by burglars who know a gocd thing when somebody tells them about it, and I was pretty sure they knew of the fine things in that lonesome house which were portable and negotiable. Indeed, all of us, burglars and police, knew about it, and my instructions were to be extra care- ful on dark and ugly nights. For the same I also received five dollars a month {rem the owner. But nothing on earth can head off a burglar when once he gets ‘sot’ on doing a thing, and so on this night I was rot greatly surprised in approaching the house to hear a pistol shot and a cry alarm.” “I hurried to the place and at the upper window I saw the head of the owner of the house and he called to me to hurry around to the back window, as his son had shot a burglar there. I went, and at the foot of a ladder I found the body of a man. ‘The son was at the top of the ladder and sald he had shot him as he went down. 1 turned him over and found he was still alive with a bullet hole through his chest. Death came soon, though not before he told us ke had killed some one in the house."” “This created a panic and the members of the family left the burglar’s side and rusted into the house, for they thought it might be some of their own household. But it was not, for the man whom they found with knife wounds all over his chest and neck was evidently another burgiar, and the two had met there unexpectedly, and one had been killed by the other with- out knowing who his victim was. We sup- Posed this to be the case, as a violent struggle had taken place, which had awakened the son, who killed the burglar who was trying to escape after he had, as he supposed, killed one of the men of the house he was robbing.” “Ugh,” exclaimed the reporter, as he but- tored up his great coat to keep out the wirds and snows he was compelled to min- gie with on terms of a closer intimacy thar he liked, and the policeman shivered again. _—————— A COMPLETE FAVORITE. How a Conversational Terror Was Vanquished by Superior Forces. “Well,” exclaimed the man with the fur- trimmed overcoat, “I never expected to see it, but I'm glad it happened.” He was so busy talking to himself as he hurried through the depot that he ran into a police- man. “I beg your pardon,” he exclaimed, as he observed the policeman’s offended dignity; “I really didn’t mean to do it. Things have gone so strangely with me today that I am liable to make almost any kind of a blunder; I really am.” “What's the matter with you?” inquired the policeman. “You aren't getting hys- ‘ical, are you?” ‘Certainly not. I was holding a little jubi'ee, a sort of jollification meeting, all to myself. You see, myself and the other People connected with the dime museum which I manage have been domineered over for a long time by the bearded lady. She's a populist, and I never saw anyboiy So opinionated. She won't even admit that McKinley's elected. She talks silver by the hou~, and when anybody tried to argue with her she simply opens the flood gates of her eloquence and washes "em clear out of the debate. She started in just as soon as we left New York to make life a burden to everybody in the car. Talk? She can articulate faster than Russell Sage makes money. We all gave up trying to out talk her long age. We knew there was no body that stood any chance. So we just let her have her own way. But she’s met her Waterloo at last, and it’s all I can do to keep from singing for joy.” “How did she meet it?” inquired the po- liceman, who had condescended to become interested. “The two-headed girl joined us here this afternoon. They're mighty bright—I mean she’s a mighty bright girl. The bearded lady started in to talk politics, and in a few minutes she didn’t know what wes happening to her. One of the two-headed girl's heads threw the protective tariff at her in sentences a yard long and the other head gave her hark-from-the-tombs sbout the gold standard. It came like a cyclone, and the bearded lady hasn't had a word to say for more than three-quarters of an hour.” “The two-headed girl's quite a heroine, then, ain't she?” “f should say so, She was kind o’bashful at first because she’s been out of an en- gagement and wasn’t dressed very well. I'm going out now to look for a millinery store. I want to buy her a couple of hand- some new bonnets, just to show her how much we think of her.” Se NOT A BEER GARDEN. Mistake Two Americans Made About a Fete to the Kaiser. From the St. Paul Globe. When Tom Bivens was very many years younger; when he had just been graduated from college, he went to Europe, and saw everything on the continent which strang- ers are permitted to see. He had with him a companionable alumnus, and the way they did London, Paris and Brussels was wonderful. By the time they reached Ber- lin they were cosmopolites. Immediately after finishing their dinner Tom and his chum sallied forth to behold those much-ialked-of German beer gar- dens. They did not stop to ask from the interpreter where the best were, but felt sure they would meet one before many streets should be passed. So on they went for a few squares, until they came upon a brilliantly lighted place filled with trees and plants, nooks and corners. Officers were moving about with gayly dressed ladies, music playing, dear little reund tables here and there. It was charming—just what they expected. “Shall we go in and have a glass of beer?” said one to the other. “By all means.” Gates stood wide open. Servants in rows bowed them in. The interior was more fascinating than the glimpse through the trees had promised. Several men in unl- form stared at them. They leisurely seat- ed themselves at a small round table and one tapped with his cane. One of the men who had been standing at the door, after a hasty consultation with the others, ap- proached them. He wore many decora- ‘What a swell waiter,” said one. The man in question demanded, ‘What do you want here?” of course in the German, “Two beers,” answered the student, hold- ing up two fingers to make himself un- derstood. “Thunder weather!" exclaimed the man in uniform and in two seconds’ time they found themselves landed heavily on the sidewalk and there left, with numberless German words which they had not learned at the university. They afterward found that the brilliant- ly lighted “garden” was a private one, and that they had assisted for a brief space at a fete given to the emperor, SUE A Mutual Friend. From the Cincinnati Enquirer. Bobby—“Popper, what is a mutual friend?” Mr. Ferry—“He ts generally one who makes ft his business to see that you don’t miss hearing the mean things your friends say about you.” » ———-e+—___ ‘The Thing for Him. From the Detroit Free Press. “Don’t you think I ought to take tron?” who thought he doctor, x recommend hoop Packer chic TN set ti AMM aa eae) hs a SR De a a IA Rae NR La On alg A SO MD Aci Meant etl YC ONE GU Me IS eet g & The A LITTLE KNOWLEDGE “The theater,” remarked Mr. Blykins, impressively, “is a gréat educator; there- fore, my son, I present you with the money with which to buy) ticket for the matinee.” j Johnny Blykins looked delighted and sata he was glad he had such « kind father. “Remember,” Mr. Blykins proceeded, “there is always something to be learned. We should strive to make even our leisure hours yield something :more than mere di- version.” And as he could think of no good argu- oo S the contrary, Johnny murmured ‘es, sir.’" That evening Johnny~stopped as he en- tered the yard and looked pensively at his father, who was putting a new plece of flooring in the front porch. His work caus- ed him to bend far over, and Johnny’s eye lit with inspiration. Going notselessly around the side of the house, he returned with a barrel stave. He waved it up and down’ two or three times so as to make his aim sure and then struck. The nose of the 1m- pact was great, but it was slight compared to the noise his father made as he leaped in the air with a yell and descended on his hands and feet, like a gorilla. It was a wholly undignified spectacle, and the tri- umph faded out of the boy’s face as he saw the fierce expression that his victim wore. “You young scoundrel! You villain!” Mr. Blykins yelled. “You reprobate!» You thug! You highbinder! What do you mean by committing such a disgraceful attempt at parricide? You come with me, sir.” “You oughtn’t to punish me for that,” Johnny protested. “You told me that the theater was a great educator, and that 1 must remember to keep, my eyes open and learn all I could. When the boy on the stage did that, everybody thought it was splendid and laughed and applaud “It's your own fault, Lemuel,” said Johnny’s mother, who had heard the noise and was standing in door. “I have al- ways told you that matinees are not good for children. Now you'll admit the truth of what I said.” “FR admit nothing of the kind. All rll concede is that the stage needs elevation: and it needs it in a hurry and a whole lot of it. Johnny, I shall not prohibit you from ever going to the theater again, but I will see to it that you don’t see any play that ts not strictly classical and with which I am not thoroughly familiar.” Se eres PROFESSIONAL JEALOUSY. Men in Whom Others Delight Were Thorns in His Pathway. A bright Washington girl was talking to the young man who has a reputation as the life of the party. She found him in a morose mood, but she attributed his taci- turn manner to intellectuality, and formed her ccnversation accordingly. “I'm very fond of books, aren’t you?” she said. “It depends a great deal on what kind they are,” he answered. “Of course. People’s tastes differ. I sup- pose you admire the polished wit of Addi- son or Steele or Swift.” don’t read them,” was the answer. 'm surprised to hear you say that.” f course, I have looked into their works. But I don’t hang over them and strain my eyes as some people do.” “Perhaps you like the pungency of Dr. Jchnson.” “I particularly object to Dr. Johnson,” was the answer, in a tone which was un- mistakable in its emphi “But you enjoy the Smith?” 7 “Not a bit.” [saa] oes Douglas Jerrgja appeal to you?” “They were all very lever.” “That’s exactly. my dbjection. It may sound small to admitft, put my grievance is a personal one.” ss “But they all lived so lorg ago!” “Of course. I don’¢. , it’s their fault. But I can't help regarding them as men who slipped in ahead of everybody else and said all the bright things, so that It is al- mest impossible for a man to be original nowadays.” [mots of Sydney a A Rural Obituary. From the Atlanta Constitution, “You might put on thar,” said the be- reaved husband to the rural sculptor, ‘that she died peaceful, an’ that we wouldn't call her back.” “Anything else?’ “She never spoke a cross word in her life.” “AIL right.” “Bein’ deef an’ dumb an’ of a quiet an’ retirin’ natur’.”” “Is that all?” “Well, you might throw in a little Scrip- tur’. Jeat say: ‘Her children rise up an’ call her Betsy!” eee Where the Calamity Falls. From the Chicago Record. “Does your husband suffer from asthma, Mrs. Widdleby?”" “Well, he has it, but he makes of us do the suffering.” — 02 The Beaters Beaten. From Harper’s Bazar. the rest iin choy “There are more than fifty under Yi c_ 0 “rn Ill.—“Escaped us agains but we'll beat them yet.” { Ad IV.—“‘Now hit hard,’ Maria, ind we'll in- vite all our friends to the Christmas din- ner.” V.—'*Well, now, that's what I calla mean, low-down trick.” A JUDGE OF PIB, Representative Curtis of Kansas tells a goed “pic” story about the late disastrous campaign in Kansas, in which, by the way, he managed to keep clear of tho landslide which wiped out four ef the present dele- gation and returned four popalists in their places. Mr. Curtis was billed to speak at a county rally in Kansas, where there was a large populist contingent. He did speak, and among hie listeners was the chairman of @ populist committee. “After the speaking was concluded,” said Mr. Curtis, ‘this gentleman, a little the worse for prohibition tanglefoot, called on me at the hotel. ‘Now, Charley,’ he began, I want to know just exactly what you think about this money question.’ “I said to him that I had stated my views as plainly as possible in the speech to which he seemed to listen attentively. “Oh, look here, now, he said, ‘I know what speeches mean; they don't go down with me. I want to know what you think as aman.’ “I explained to him carefully and in de- tall exactly how I stood on the money question, but no sooner cid I conclude my statement than he asked me again, ‘But see here now, how do you stan, person- ally, on the money question? Five times he asked the question, and five times I went over the ground again. Then he went to sleep, and I went into the dining room to eat some fine mince pie that the iand- lady had set out for me, leaving him in the hotel office. It was nearly midnight, and my train was about due. Just as I had stowed away a generous slice of the pie my populist friend woke up. I called to im to come and join me in eating the national dish, pie. He said he would eat the pie, but wanted it served to him in the office, and the landlady took it to him. Ad I started to my train, with hia mouth full of pie, he said for the sixth time, ‘Now, Charley, how do you stand on the money question?” “On the Monday night foliowing this a newspaper friend of mine ran across my populist friend, who unbosomed himself after this fashion: ‘Say, by darn, I like Charley Curtis. I don’t know just exactly how he stands on the money question; seems leery like, but he’s a judge of pie, by darn, and when a man like him asks me to eat pie with him, and I eat, then that man cught to have my vote, oughtent he? I'm going to resign as chairman of the populist com- mittee and work for Curtis. When @ saan asks me to eat pie with him, I'm good enough to work for him!’ did resign and worked and voted added Mr. Curtis. Then, refiec- tively, “I don't know how much more ‘pte’ that incident may cost me.” —_—.__ A QUESTION OF THE HOUR. Would Be Interesting if It Could Only Be Solved. He was a leisurely, middle-aged man and there was @ quizzical smile on his face as he folded up the newspapers he had been reading and strolled over to The Star reporter who was talking to the hotel clerk. ; “Young man,” he said, “are you quick at figures?” “Not very,” confessed the reporter. “I’m not in the circulation department, you know.” “That’s too bad. I want to find some- body who is a good mathematician, and who is also versed in the current ques- tions of political economy.” “You might try the bureau of statistics.” “That is too far away. It is not a matter of enough importance to justify a great deal of research. My curiosity was merely awakened by a paragraph that I was read- ing in my paper.” “Was it about anything in the line of news.” ‘Only in a sense. I see a great many al- lusions to the business man in politics. The phrase is very common.” “Yes. That seems to be the tendency of things.” “Perhaps. But what I should like to dis- cover—and I may devote some time to it in the future—is the exact length of time that a business man in politics can stay in politics without ceasing to be a busi- ness man and becoming a politician.’ oe HAD A JOB. Bat the Young Man Did Not Like His Employer's Methods, A respectably dressed young man, evi- dently from some rural district, stood on a 7th street corner, trying to get some one to stop and listen to what was evidently a tale of woe. Finally, a policeman consent- ed to hear his story, and he unbosomed himself. “My name is Jabez Jones of Jonesville, Ark.,” he began. “Cut it short,” answered the minion of the law. “I suppose you are broke.” “Net exactly.” “Looking for friends?” “No.” “Looking for work?” “No; I've got a job at $100 a month and expenses.” ““Phen what is the matter?” “as I tol yo’. My name is Jabez Jones. I take th’ Jonesville Bugle, an’ thar was a’ advertisement in thar from a feller thet wanted men ter travel at $100 a month an’ expenses. I writ ‘im a letter, an’ ’e | sent me a contrack’ thet Squire Adams sed | war good. Fust month I war ter pay ex- penses an’ show I could sell goods, then he war ter pay ’em back an’ giv’ me th’ salary. I come ter Wa:rington ter git | quainted ‘ith my boss. Hed a heap o’ trou- ble findin’ ‘im, but run acrost ‘im. Went ter ‘is boardin’ ‘ouse ‘ith ‘im, Thet night th’ land’lady turned ‘im,out, an’ ’e called on me fer th’ money ter pay her, sayin’ I war ter pay expenses fust month, an’ thet war part o' ’em an’ 'e showed it to me in th’ contrack whar it sed I war ter pay ex- perses. Now, ’e wants ter go ter Chicago an take me 'th ‘im ter look arter th’ branch house, as ‘e calls it. It'll take a heap o' money, an’ I hev ter pay ‘is hotel bills thar. Ef ft goes on like this I won't hev ‘nough ter git through th’ fust month ter whar th’ salary begins. Now, is them part o th’ expenses cordin’ ter th” contrack?” and he produced the paper. : “Go back to Jonesville and don’t leave unless with a guardian,” gruffly replied the iceman, as he walked away. “Tl do’ it, muttered the young man, “an’ let th’ job go ter thunder.” Seg “RUNNING WITH THE ENGINE.” How the Boys Amused Themselves Half a Century Ago. Laurence Hutton, in “A Boy I Knew,” running in St. Nicholas, gives some glimpses of boyhood life in New York in the middle of the century. In the January pumber, after describing a private play- ground in St. John’s Square, Mr. Hutton says: The old gardener, generally a savage de- fender of the place, who had no sense of humor as. it was exhibited in boy nature, sometimes let the boys rake the dead leaves into great heaps and make bonfires of them, if the wind happened to be in the right direction. And then what larks. The bonfire was a house on fire, and the great garden-roller, a very heavy affair, was “Engine No. 42,” with which the boys ran to put the fire out. They all shouted as loudly and as unnec- essarily as real firemen did; the foreman gave his orders through a real trumpet, and one boy had a real fireman’s hat with “En- gine No. 42” on it. He was chief engineer, but he did not run with the machine; not because he was chief engineer, but because while in active mo- tion he could not keep his hat on. It was bis father’s hat, and its extraordinary weight was considerably increased by the wads of newspaper packed in the liniag to make it fit. The chief engineer held the po- sition for life on the strength of hat, which he would not lend to any ly else. ‘The rest of the company were elected, viva voce, every time there was a fire. This entertainment: came to an end, like everything else, when the gardener chained the roller to the tool house, after Bop Stuart fell under the machine and was roll- ed so flat that he had to be carried home on a stretcher made of overcoats tied to- gether by the sleeves. That is the only recorded Crease ry went the boys, par- park without climb- ing over, And the bells sounded a “generai alarm.” The dent made in the path by Bob's body was on exhibition until the next snow storm. + e+ From Life. “T say, Jones, do you never hunger for the good old times you had at college?” “I frequently thirst.for thom, Brown."* A SINCERE TRIBUTE. He Was Not a Musician, but He Liked the Performance. Some music was suggested as a possible means of entertaining Broncho Bob. He had not been visting in the east long, but his mannees were sufficiently extraordinary to make him a social lion at once, and he bated to think about going back to Crim- son Gulch at all. The musical performers were a lady, who played accompaniments, and her husband, who sang. Broncho Bob. knew nothing of the preparations for this event, and he stopped in the middle of a discourse on the best way to fight a nest of rattlesnakes to listen to the str ins of a classical selection. As the first nc + struck his ear he jumped to his feet ind ex- claimed: “Where's the trouble?” his hand mean- while instinctively making futile resez.rches for a gun under the tail of his dres coat. “Oh! There it is,” he said in a tons of re- lief, as his eyes rested on the couple at the piano. He watched and listened with wrapt at- tention and deep interest. “Ain’t them two jest a-goin’ it!” he com- mented under his breath as an especiaily loud and rapid portion of the composition was performed. When the piece was ended he applauded with a vigor that wholly eclipsed the efforts of the other auditors, and it was not long before he had secured an introduction to the accompanist. He proceeded at once to compliment her on her playing. it,” she said. have often been told that I am espe- cially good in the legato passages.” “Yes'm. The legato passages was fine, an’ no mistake. But whut I most admired was yer spunk.” “I beg your pardon!” “That's the word fur it. be” etiquette fur me ter comment on any little scenes thet occur between husband an’ wife, but I can’t help sayin’ as how the way ye stuck It out, once ye'd made up yer mind ter play on that pyano, entitles ye ter be the pride o’ yer sex. All his hoilerin’ an’ carryin’ on couldn't change yer mind. Ye didn’t quit tell ye got good an’ ready, an’ I don’t blame ye a bit; not a durn bit.” a ES A PLEA FOR TRADITION. No Dress Coat Dinner, but He Wanted the Formaltties Preserved. The hired girl had not basted the turkey with proper regularity; the celery had frozen, and the two mince pies had been left too long in the oven, so that on the whole the housewife, whose home is near this city, had some cause to be less affable than usual Meandering Mike observed that she was not in 4 sociable frame of mind, but the promptings of his stomach took the place of moral courage. “Madam,” he said, with a deferential bow, which cased him to inadvertently sweep off some sncw with his hat, “I called—" “You go away from here!” she exclaimed, as she tried to shut the door in his face. “Yer ortn’t ter be so hasty. How do you know thet I ain't no express messeng with @ box full o' Christmas gifts fur y “I know you're nothing that’s either use- ful or ornamental. And I want that door shut, so that I can get some warmth in the oven without heating the whole back yard beforehand.” “But—" “I don’t care to hear any remarks from you. You're a great big, healthy man, and yet you shy at the sight of a woodpile worse than a colt at a girl with bloomers on. You seem to imagine that all the duty you owe to society is to travel around the country and see the sights. You seem to think’ society owes you a living, and that you have nothing to do but go around and call for it. Where did you get your license to collect taxes from the people of this country, I'd like to know? When did you get to be a trust or a gas company? Have you done anything for the development of the magnificent resources of this continent, which is still in the infancy of a glorious career? Not a thing. You couldn't even, wouldn’t even, develop a bunch of lather on a cake of soap. Have you contributed any of your energies to making the human race grander, nobler or better? Not a thing. The only thing that you ever pro- duce is an appetite.” Meandering Mike stood in silence at the door for half a minute or more. When he had recovered, he exclaimed: “Lady, lemme congratulate yer. You're good. That's one o’ the best talks I ever heard.” SI don’t want any congratulations.” “But you've earned "em, an’ the reward shall not be withheld. Of course, I didn’t pay nothin’ ter git in, an’ it don’t become me ter criticise. But I can't help pointin’ out one fault thet spiles the artistic effeck o’ the whole bus’ness. It's a defeck that I've noticed fur the last five miles. Dere’s a dispusition ter vi'late de perpri’ties dat I cannot contemplate widout regret. Every Place I goes now, dey seems determined ter skip de rest o’' de menu, an’ not have not’in’ but de after-dinner speeches.” ———— ST. LOUIS HOSPITALITY. A Queer Chicago Yarn About a Hos- tess, Her Guest, and a Sealskin Sack. From the Chicago Times-Herald. Last year a Chicago girl visiting friends in St. Leuis attended a reception in that city. There was a big crush of St. Louis social lights, and when the fair Chicagoan prepared to depart she was unable to find her valuable sealskin sacque snywhere. In its place was an old sealskin worn and di- lapijated. The hostess regretted the mistake ex- ceedingly. It seemed certain that some thoughtless guest had worn away the miss- ing garment by mistake. She felt sure that the sacque would be returned the next day with an apology. In the meantime she sug- gested that the Chicago girl wear the old garment that had been left in its place, and this was done. But the sealskin was rot forthcoming the next day or the next week. The hostess was annoyed almost to the verge of dis- traction, and offered to pay for the miss- ing sacque, but of course this proposition was declined. At length the Chicagcan’s visit was ter- minated and she returned home. One day she stepped into a big store on State street where she had purchased the lost sealskin to inquire if the firm could suggest any way by which to identify the garment positively if her St. Loufs friends should chance to see it again. “It would be pretty difficult to identify it by a cesual inspection,” said the furrier, “but cvery garment which we make is marked on the inside of the skin with our firm name, the name of the purchaser and the date. By removing the lining this can be seen.’ “Do all furriers mark their garments in that way?” asked the caller. “I don’t know; I presume they do,” was the reply. “Then I wish you would examine this sacque,” she sald, removing the old one that had been left upon her hands, -‘and see if you can find out who made it.” It was the work of a minute to rip a-seam in the lining. Upon the back of one of the skins was the name of a St. Louis furrier ard the name of the purchaser of the gar- ment—it was that of the hostess herseif. The Chicago girl made another flying vis- it to St. Louis. When she returned she or- dered a new sealskin from the State street firm and paid for it with a St. Louis check. SEES ALITY The healthy mother of a me healthy child has a happiness ali own. Her's isa j that cannot be told. It is Siar ee The responsibility for the soft little, sweet little, dependant creature —as much a part of herself as her own heart — brings a pleasure that may be aled in Heaven, but never on earth. The greatest thing that can be done in this world is to bear and rear healthy, yy children. Many women do not d¢ it not reach the full measure of beau- tiful, perfect womanhood, because of the neglect of the health of the organs dis- tinetly feminine. ce ery woman may be perfectly health: if she chooses. She need not subssit t the humiliating examinations and local treatment of physicians. She need have no trouble and slight expense. Doctor Pierce's Favorite Prescription will cure any disease or disorder peculiar to women. It is the invention of a regularly gradu- ted, skilled, expert, successiul specialist. It has been sold for over yo years, and has a greater sale than all similar medicines combined. It regulates every feminine function—makes a woman better able to bear children—better able to take care of her children. It greatly lessens the pain and danger of parturition. No honest druggist will offer yon-a substitute—look out for the one who does. Unsightly pimples. Constipation eanse= them. Dr. Pierce's Plensant Pellets cure constipation. They cure permunently. They are tiny, sugar- coated granules. Oue “ Pellet" is a gentle laxa- sive, two a mild cathartic. Soistimes druggists think of their profits, rather than your health, ‘offer something, stid to be "just as good.” A LIVING BLUCF. What There May Be and Often is iz “. Appearane: Again it was the drummer. The irrepressible drummer And was he talking? He was not a dead drummer “The queerest thing I've seen in a long time,” he was saying to a group of inier- ested listeners, “I saw in a southern town of about 30,000 people, when T was there in September last. I have heard a good deal about people bluffing, putting up a great front, and the other slang expressions that mean hypocrisy in one form or anoth but this one rather got away with all com- petitors. I was “itting in e office of of my customers cn the second floor of store, and : a handsé coupe, joking horse ty a coachman in drove up to the bank oppesite, and an elegantly dressed old gentleman got out and went in, the driver going away at the same time with the turnout. ‘Is that the President of the bank’? said I. “‘Well, no,” my friend smiled; ‘he isn’t quite chat, but he's connected with the bank. * He» must own the most of it,” said I ‘Hurdly; seeing that employe at $40 a month.” he is merely an “That was too much, and I began to think my friend was guying me. “‘I's a true bill,” he proceeded to ex- plain, ‘and it shows what a auman being is when he gets « wheel in his head. That ola chap used to be a rich man, in all kinds of business ventures, but the war krocked him out, and after it ws all over he found himself with a little farm of ive acres out in the and a half, and an almost shat- tered intellect, but with the same old de. e to make a display for the benefit of public. That bank was organized thirty years ago, and the president,who befriended by this old fellow, small job at $ a month. Th arechor to windward, and he got of his to take the farm on snares, that he could have all he made on it if he would beard and lodge him, his horse and coupe and board his coachman for the odd jobs he would do on the place. “Then he hired a coachman at $10 a menth znd found and bought a fine horse and coupe, which he paid for on the install- ment plan. The one you caw just awhile 2go is the fifth coupe, I think, he has had, for he wants them to look well, and he gets a new one when the old one geis shabby. He never rides in it except to ard from the berk, and the man comes for him every day at 4 o'clock as he brings him in every morring. I forgot. he do: drive to church on Sundays. The coach- tran wears a livery only about an hour a day, and it lasts a long time, and so the coupe keeps its shine on longer than one a great deal. “The horse has a little more todo, as he family drive him to a surrey for the sak of exercise. The old chap ts a bachelor, ard the $30 he has oat of his salary keeps him in clothes, which are of the best; also in tobacco, a demijohn of Kentucky liquor and reading matter, which he gets from a second-hand man at low rates. He will stay in the bank, of course, till he dies, and as long as he is all right in. other respects they are not going to disturb him for a little eccentricity like that.’ “I'm not a curious person, ordinarily. ecncluded the drummer, “but ‘this interest- ed me so that I was on hand at 4 o'clock that afternoon to see the old gentleman drive home, and again in the morning at 9 I stopped on my way to the train to see him drive up like a millicnaire and march with stately tread into an establishment in which all others were richer than he.” Renee eres The New Boarder. From the Detroit Free Press. There was an air of active mystery about the boarding house, and the pretty widow who ran it showed an awkward interest such as she had never before displayed. This fluttering secrecy was inwardly re- sented by Mumly. Of all the boarders he was the oily one who had sat down to the first meal served im the place, and as @ean of the institution he felt aggrieved that anything connected witly {t should be kept from him. It was confided to him that a new boarder was expetted, but this” was a lame explanation for the excited interest shown by the fair proprietor. In his heart Mumly knew that he was a little jealous, for it had been a cherished plan of his for years to some time gnake the little widow his wife. No wonder, then, that Mumly was hope- lessly prejudiced against the expected boarder, who duly.put in an appearance. He was well advanced in years, but yout ful in spirits, and on friendly ‘terms with all the world. His name was Beamly, and it fitted the man to perfection. But Mum- ly overlooked all this. He neglected bis business to run after the landlady that he might lodge his complaints, Beamly ate with his knife, and Mumly never could en- dure the boorish practice. Beamly cracked nuts with his teeth, ignored his napkin, chatted as familiarly with the ladies though he had been brought up with them, and, as Mumly grimly put it, was entirely too fresh for an old codger like him. But the climax was reached when Mumly was wandering about the house one day and discovered the widow sitting on the new boarder’s knee and caressing his bald head. Mumly was shocked in a way to im- peril his nervous organism, and promptly began to revise all his plans for tie future. But the crisis was one demanding an ex- the landlady, and she promptly responded. The new boarder was her father. Discouraged and desperate, he Wad gone west years before, and for a long time was lost to all who had known him. He haé made an immense fortune, and re- turned to have his daughter share its bene- a too much competition. Mumly had to eat a great deal of humble pie, but he eventually realized his matrimonial dream. ———— -+e+ Might Have Been Worse. From Tit-Bits. A reporter, in describing the murder of a - man named Jorkin, said: “the murderer was in quest of money, but, Juck- fly, . Jorkin had deposited all his funds bank the day before, so that he lost but his Ife.” 4 |