The Daily Worker Newspaper, December 18, 1926, Page 10

When Hell Broke Loose ~- Was a hot night in hell, The devil was throwing a little party and all the best sports were there, from Nero to Saint Patrick. “Curse prohibition,” the devil muttered, “but thanks to a good police captain I can slake my thirst @fter a fashion.” The revellers did not have a care in the world. “I wonder how the devil they are getting along fn heaven” remarked Pope’ Pius II to Queen Bliza- beth who was reclining on a pile of cinders jin a cor- ner near the fire. “Heaven! Hell!” retorted the’ queen angrily, “bring me on another centurion. Your modern effem- fmacy gives mea pains Me for the old days when @ man had to’’be a man-or he lost his head.” “He lost it anyhow,” sneered Sir Walter Raleigh @merging fromthe pantry with a highball on. his pelm. Sir Walter made a circle around his neck with the idle ‘hand, There: was’.a red scar. “Had I loved «my ‘queen with half the vigor I had put into my pétatoes, I might have died of old age” he sneered. 4 ; ’ Elizabeth was in a philosophical mood.i: « .<° » “Queens are‘in hard luck nowadays” she replied. “In my day @ queen could do as she pleased, but @ow a queen might get fined for cutting off a head, provided she does not do it with a gun.” “You are thinking about’ Chicago,” laughed the Devil, who was ‘busy attending to the guests. At the mention of Chicago aH ears got on the eb. } Napoleon took his hand out of his underwear and Hannibal from underneath Cleopatra’s armpits, Czar Nicholas the. Last, of Russia, for a moment stopped Kicking an image that looked like Rasputin. The Devil informed your reporter that this was Nicholas’ favorite pastime. “In fact,” said the Devil, “unless We let him have this recreation, he would move into @nother hotel.” “What's the latest?” asked Machiavelli, who just walked into the drawing room arm in arm with Woodrow Wilson who still wore a crutch. Wilson @ppeared to be quite a favorite in hell tho the wo- men did not admire his furniture. “They tell me that the war is over,” replied the Duke of Wellington. “In fact I am inclined to be- eve the rumor since we had very few arrivals here recently. I think it’s about time to start another war.” “That’s the trouble with you militarists,” retorted Nobel of Sweden, the famous high explosive expert.” You are always,,logking for trouble.” nm to this hypocrite,” laughed Captain Kidd. “Here is as brazen a pirate as ever scuttled a ship or went thru‘a crew's jeans.” Just then there was a terrible noise at the door as if a thousand fists were beating on a drum. “What the devil is that?” said Satan angrily. “Looks like we are going to have some Jodgers. Go,” he ordered, nodding to Warren G. Harding, “go and see who the hell is there and ff he is not a Mason don’t let him in.” Harding took out his gun and looked to see if it was loaded. He moved to the door and opened it cautiously, like a man expecting the arrival of a ter but fearing a bill collettor. Harding was a oot first and inquire afterwards” man. “Holy Chief” he twittered as Senator McKinley from Ii- GQois staggered into the room. The party was disrupted right away. The guests Were anxious to know what was going on. Was the world the same as it used to be or was it ebanging? Would there be another war? ‘Who Woukl be the next president of the United States? Here was the’man who could tell. The newcomer was taken in hand carefully, “Give him the warmest spot on our best gridiron,” Ordered Satan. Woodrow Wilson jumped to carry out the instructions. Such was hig alacrity that lie forgot his crutch. “I like to do a member of the G. O. P. a favor,” Be muttered with an urholy glint in his eye. “I can fever forget how nice they were to me about the feacue of nations.” -The guests did not bombard the senator with questions until he was nicely toasted and acclimated. Then a volley of questions were hurled at him. The Senator refused to talk about anything except the weather on the ground that he would have to con- sult an attorney since anything he might say would probably be used against him politically or in court, But he was willing to speak generally on the de velopment of ‘social consciousness from the daye of Nero until] now. “Speech. Speech,” hollered the guests. Queen Elizabeth by this time had her sixteenth highbail and she eyed the senator amorously, McKinley feared that all his contributions to the Methodist church had gone for naught as his eyes fondled the queen’s appetizing figure... He tried to look unaf- fected. Then he coughed, wiggled his hips three or four times, threw back his head, shut his eyes and began: “Ladies and gentlemen”’— “Oh cut out the polite stuff!” snarled the Devil, who was in the chair, “that kind of thing might be all right on earth but it has no place in hell.” “Pardon me ge—I should say republicang and others,” the senator hazarded, and noticing an air of listiessness he went on, “I did not come here feady to speak in detall on tho situation as it exists in the world today. But I feel that you la—no, peo- ple, are fairly well acquainted with the position. The world has been going to hell so rapidly lately that I should think no words of mine are needed to give you a picture of what is transpiring there.” The Devil was getting as sore as a boil, “Where the hell do you think you are? he asked, anger written on his face. This 1s not a political gathering. Come to the point. Don’t try to con- fuge your audience with words. That's an old po- litical trick and might go down With the rank and file but it won’t work here.” At this Machiavelli’ burst. ont laughing and nudged Woodrow Wilson in the midriff. Baa “Trying to pull off our stuff,’ he murmured. . “I don’t know of anybody who could get, away with. it better than yourself, tho, even the, most, bungling Pope Pius 11 Horrified at Queen Elizabeth’s Conduct. eS amatenrs.are the better off for reading my ‘Prince.’ ”.. “Shut.up you pair of crooks,” snarled the Devil at the two notorious politicians, “or I'll send out dis- tributing literature, and if there is anything your theory sharks are particularly opposed to it is stick- ing leafiets in mail boxes.” The senator resumed: “You all heard about the war.” The audience nodded. “Well, the war is over, except in China, Nicaragua, Syria, Albania, India, Egypt, Italy, Spain, Cicero—” Loud bursts of laughter interrupted the speaker. The Devil seized his toasting iron and rapped on Harding’s head for order.: Tho the iron smashed into smithereens the crowd lapsed into silence. “The war being over,” continued the speaker, “the nations of the world that wanted peace got together in the league of ‘nations except the United States and Russia. As my friend, Nicholas, knows the —— have seized power in that unfortunate coun- > Pay $ 4 : At this moment a cloud of smoke was seen rising from the little image of Rasputin, that Nicholas was Playing with. It came from the big tears that Nich. Olas was dropping on the image. The Devi} looked angry for a moment but softened when he saw the pitiful sight, VOS Km The Devil Shaking Fist at Woodrow Wilson. 4 a __ By T. J. O'Flaherty “God damnit,” he muttered, and waved his hand towards the speaker by way of telling him to go on. “As I was saying,” continued the senator, “the United States kept put of the league of nations be cause we thought our country could exercise a more decisive influence for peace outside the league ‘than inside.” Woodrow Wilson seized his crutch and attempted’ to-bring’ it down on the speaker’s head, but ‘the Devil -threw an empty bottle at him..and Wileom cooled: off. “McKinley continued: “And our position «.was justified» by events, No sooner did the league of « nations convene than it became quite evident that. - another.-war was in the offing. So, it was decided that the best way to avoid a big war was,to have. -~ several’ sthall ones runuing: concurrently. Sir Aus- ten Chamberlain deglared that England was. pre pared. to loan ‘a ‘few. of her little wars to.indigent . nations like Italy, Poland and Checko-Slovakia, the * pental-to-be deposited in a sinking fund which would... ‘be available when the nations got ready to make “war on Soviet Russia. ja yal is “Unfortunately,” continued the senator with feel- .. ing, which’ was’ shared by the audience,:-“the,pactie. “intentions of the powers were frustrated: by. the Machiavellian diplomacy of Soviet Russia, which re fused to co-operate for world peace but. continued . to make treaties of non-aggression : right and. leff and ever went to the extreme of helping tecon- tented peoples win the right of self-determination.” “Damned Bolsheviki,” growled . Wilson, - “stealing my stuff,” and the czar being the only Russias emigre sober enough to sit on the floor, Wilson threw his arms around his neck. and cried. The Devil frowned and warned Wilson that a few more exhibitions of such unseemly sentimentatiam an¢ he would find himself writing editorials for the official organ of the institution. At this threat Wilson shuddered and kept quiet, “Owing to the machinations of the Bolsheviki,” continued the speaker, “the powers had more trouble with the pacific wars than they expected. Our ef- forts to carve Turkey were rather fata] but not te Turkey. Russia made a treaty with Turkey and the Turks got so enthusiastic that they chased thetr enemies into the sea with the exception of those they retained in lieu of fertilizer, ‘. “Thus our efforts to promote peace in Asia Minor were reduced to absurdity and so ‘is the ‘situation today. Note, brothers and: sisters.that altho my country was not involved in the league of nations “we rendered valuable servicé fi tite’ cause or inter National peace. ~ i “For a short time after the war it looked as if the rabble, sometimes called the proletariat—a Bok shevik discovery, fellow citizens—might take over our property. The Bolsheviki kept on telling them that everything they saw was theirs, iftcluding our wives and children.” At this time tears welled into the speakers’ eyes but the Devil was obviously sore and Queen Elisa beth pivoted herself on her left hip and angrily asked the senator if he was reflecting on her moral char- acter. “The best thing you can do, senator,” remarked the chairman, “is to stick to your subject and leave the private affairs of our guests «alone. The main reason why I am against the Bolsheviki is that they are so conventional that trade between that country and Hell is now at a standstill.” “What the blazes would we be doing here,” asked Woodrow Wilson, “if we attended to our wives an@ children exclusively—our wives in particular.” “Of course I heard about Mrs.’ Péck,;” ‘stabbed the senator in good G. O. P. fashion, “but—* “If the speaker does not refrain from insulting the members I shall be obliged to suggest that he leave the floor,” shouted the Devil brandishing his tadf which he was then using as a gavel. “In that. case I will request the official stenog- rapher to delete from the records what I have said in reference to our families,” said the senator, “You had better leave the moral stuff alone,” chided the Devil, “this is neither a bawdy house nor’a bankers’ conference, There is more honesty here than you will find in most places. Go ahead and make it snappy.” “Having succeeded in postponing the next war by allowing the league affiliates to indulge in minor wars against more or less defenceless peoples, the bowers made the mistake of deciding to carve Ger many and divide the meat between them, ‘The kaiser had fled and German militarism was defeated 80 Our country did not see any reason why Germany should be victimized particularly since we wanted a goodly share of her trade. “The workers under Bolshevik influence revolted and almost suceeded in taking over the government, Mr. Satan, if a social democrat comes to your gate, don’t turn him away empty handed. A little kind- hess goes a long way with a social-democrat and but for them, you would not be here today. You would have to go to work.” The last words caugee a shudder to run thru the audience, Even the Devil shivered slightly, “Things were going from bad to worse in Gem many and it looked like the world revoiution was on but at a decisive moment we sent our My, Dawes to Germany and he saved the country for us, (Continued on puge 6) A