Chicago Daily Tribune Newspaper, June 14, 1874, Page 10

THE CHICAGO DAILY TRIBUNE: SUNDAY, JUNE 14, 1874, . ) : I0 . w‘_—————\ PATENT MEDICINES, ot to bofomd hero, Thowebis spread b tho [ THE KAISER FREDERIGH. | gron,cncprblonfe e, 90 B0, SPmiofsiehle | o Raisr waa at tho door udsagortossengy | HENRY WARD BEECHER. The Great Preacher aé He Is To-Day. Plymeuth Pews,and the Vicissitudes of an Entrance, Beecher’s Mode of Thought and Speech His ¢ Acting* Not The- atrical. A Choir of 60 and Chorus of 3,000---Tho © Congregation Not an Assem= bly of Beechers. Gorrespondance of The Chicago Tribune. Yonx, Juve 10, 1874, Tast Sunday I msde the New Yorker's aunual pilgrimsge. That is to say, I went to hear DBeccher. There was a time when I made this Jjourney twico eovery Sunday, witha regularity which no stress of weather could diminish or in- terrupt. Ineglected my meats, and would have been willing to go withont slecp, to hear him. ‘Then the world was composed of two halves,— Henry Ward Beecher and the rest of maukind,— and Beecher was decidedly the largest balf of tho two. But wisdom came with years,—sud that is more than it does with a good many people,—and 1 learned the dehghts of nnrestricted naps on Bnnday morning, and the comforts of a leisurely Banday-evening tea, which are not cut short by 1.ho sarnmons that it was time to go to Beech- er's. Bothe pilgrimage fell off from a weekly to a monthly one, and finally relapsed into the regulation aunusl visit. It is one thing to say you'll go to hear Beech- er, and another to get there. The boat on which you cross the East River is crowded with pil- grims, and that 18 from only one point of tha compass. To hold back and control this multi- tude, pressing in from all quarters, and allowit slowly to percolate into the buildings, ushers are stationed ot every door, who aro deaf to cutreaty for favors, whose arms are strong, and whose manners s&re abont a8 urbane 88 & man's can be who is pestered by five bundred selfich people. It is a source of oontinoal wonder to me FHY ASSASSINATIONS ARE NOT MORE FREQUENT at Plymouth Church. If I were one of these ushers, I ehould be tempted to take tho lives of & dozen people every Sunday morning. They yush and crowd forward, disobeying orders, try 1o steal more favorable places on the line, get up nbsurd stories on which to claim a geat, and do 2 thousand ridicalous and annoying things. On the other hand, it is astonishing that some af these ushers do not fall by the hand of some in- dignant visitor. The patience and kindliness a ‘majority of them display are really marvelous; but now and then thero is one whose death by ~violence can only be & matter of time. To give an instance : In entering the charch, I stood for 2 moment on the step closa to tho well, 50 as to ko in no one's way. The usher, a loud-vorced, muscalar individual, who was probably selscted tor the front entracce TO FRIGHTEN AWAY AS MANT PEOTLE AS POSSIBLE, called out, ** You can’t stand there. Eithercome In here on the line, or stand ouiside.” I hesi- t.ated a moment or two, as the direction was not yomarkably clear. “If'sno fun to us,” was the Dpext outburst, “to tell you to do a thing twenty times! Either stand 1nside or outside!” For once in my life I was equal to the occasion. Said 1, *If you're inside, I prefer to ba outside,” and oatside 1 went. I generally think of my repar- tecs fiffeen minutes after the proper time, but lnckily I was more punctual than my wont; I stalked out into the sun, and tock my stand at the end of tho line, in anood of unusual relig- lous contentment. Bat, supposing _these siruggles and conten- tions past, wo find ourseives finzliy within the chnrch, and seated amid THIS GREAT ATUDIENCE. There is no change in the appearance or farni- tuvo of the suditorium. Thev all love it teo weil to. desire any. There is the samo simpls reud- ing-stand, mede of wooa brought frow nsacredd lands: the same beautitul bas- ket or pyramid of flowers rising 8¢ one side of the platfarm, with a fragrant bou- quet standing on the desk; the same soft hat thrown carelessly beside the chbair; the same man in the chuwr, though grayer than when I saw him last; the same immense choir and great organ, with its dark rich case end ungilded pipe; and the same vast congregation. This audience, which is almost as well worth coming 0 sce as Beecher himself, covers the broad floor and the low, deep gallery which strotches all sround the church, and the smaller gallery above, in one unbroken mass. You cannot de- tect a place enywhere WILELE ANOTHER AUDITOE COULD BE PEGGED IV, t is marvelous that this eingle man ebould @xaw this immense concourse, not Sunday after Bunday only, but month after month, and year atter year. ‘1t must be nearly a quarter of a cen- tary dince ho began, and yet this strange mag- Bet draws every week tho samo great_gathering. The congregation is worthy of litule study, 1t is not a fazhionable or a cultivated body of people, on tho whole. It js well-to-do, howevar, and has some famous millionaires on its roils. It is a liberal congregation; they very seldom tuke up a collection, but, when they do, it's what the boys call & “stunner,” It's an indepondent cougregation; witness the way in which they folaed their arms in quiet contempt of Brother Budington and Brother Storrs, and_asserted their rights in tho face of the whole Congrega- tional Church. It is an intelligent congroga- tion; Boecher has led them up hoight after height of theological progress and foleration untll they now look celmly down from an eleva tion _which yoars 150 would have been beyond the vision of the keenest of them. They read the newspapers, and, sometimes, in church at that; and are dtfifiemex & wide-awake and em- Pliatic people. Still, it is NOT SUCH A CONGREGATION 28 you would naturally expect to sce enrrounding @ man of such remarkable intellectual sctivity and progressivencss, Tho representation of edncated peoplo of either sex does motseem very large. ‘Ibe singing i8 amazing. To one sccustomed to listen to the supercilions warbling of a eal- aried quartette with that decorum and bumility which marks the exemplary charch-member, there 13 positive inspiration in the grest, swelling chorus of praise which pours forth, led by a trained choir of sixty or eevanty-five voices under the gencralship of Mr. Henry Camp, and borne up on tho miglty wings of this immenso organ. The choir is composed of volunteer suembers of the congregation, and is a most etticicnt and well-drilled organization, with well- ]:::x‘?;nfi‘g{: hxllidiggtta‘e v::irinufl sections. But , after all, but the adv; ] i ity et lagins vance-guard of the . THE WHOLE CONGREGATION SING end sings in & bealthy, whole-souled w:'v; and, wher, Mr. Beecher selects somo favorite old Bymn, they all seam eager for tho effort. Old John Zundel attacks the organ, every pulso of which he knows, for be has felt it for many @nd many & year; tho choir lead ih tho heartiest way imaginable, nnd the great audience send ont a flocd of inspiring Larmony that fairly sweeps yon off your feet, ‘Wwhile Beecher turns his radisnt face from ouc ke Lo tho other, and drinks it all in. Tuc yreat preacher himself has changed with- lg two rears, Hig hair 18 grayer,—s0 much so !.95:. rtariles one who has not seen him for an duterval. No one, perhaps, will ever know the secret history of these last years,—the anguish, tho strugcles, the bitter days and nights, ecandal )l;:s brought upon him, Bat, m other respects, _DOES NOT SEE TO HAVE AGED AT ALL. His voico 1s 25 round and strong as ever: his face as ruddy and fall; his whols physique ap- parentls as activeand fresh as it was years ago. He takes up the little Bible,—ho never naes oueof the huge gilt affairs,—and reads, in n low, far-reaching voice, a salection of Scripture. Tho charm of that sweet, impressive, simple uiterauce, once heard, can never bo lost. I am sare the momory of it will remain with me to ng day. There is no affectation or dis- plsy in bis reading. Tt is done in the most fa- riiliar 2nd unpretentious way, bat thera is in his simplicity more power and feeling than in the forced and ambitious elocution of the most famous readers. His prayers are offered in the £ame roverent, modulated: tone. Their matter is alwaye different,—ho never makes two pravers slike; their manneris always the same. They are always supremely sympathetic. They scem 60in harmony with the dav and the hour, 50 fraught with the essenco of praise, 50 warmed bg tho sunlight and perfumed with the flowers, that ‘WOMEN WEEP TEABS OF PURE JOT, and wonld not staunch them if they conld. But, in otber moments, the voico that thrilled you with such persnasiveness rings out like a trum- pet in the of battle, or sinks into the conver- sational tone as he tells you some New England story or proverb ; rousing you at one moment to 5 fempest of oxcitement,—the next, toppling you over into an unseen abyss of laughter. Mr. Beecher is of too versatile a talent to be tied down to & manuscript sermon, though ho oc- casionally reads ono, aud then it is aptto be.of the highly metaphysical order. His skeleton of the germon i3 hastily traced out on_paper, the characters boing sometimes an inch long, 80 that his eye may catch them from a distanco. It is kaid that both sermous are prepared on Sunday, which would seem_to be an =almost incredible strotch of labor. Be that as it may, tho evening sermon, often THE MORE POWERFUL AND ELECTRIG of the two, is sketched out on Sunday after- noon, after a nap has followed his dinner. Somo one suggested to him once that this might be, after all, 8 hasty and imperfect mothod of work. His blunt, characteristic reply was, “ Some peo- ple like their bread hot, ana “some Jike 1t cold. 1 like mino hot.” Thero is no way of describing or formulating his style in_spesking. It is as many-sided as his mind. Ho begins, perhaps, in a low tone; his voico warms and rises with the theme, until it swells into a thunder-peal or solern note of denunciation; and, baving car- riod bis audience with him to tho highest pitch of fervor, he drops suddenly from his groat alti- tude, and quietly resumes the reading of his notes. But, difficult as it is to give a doscription of this marvelous sad various oratorical display, there are two phases of bis delivery which can, perhaps, bo chiosen as exbibiting most plaiuly the marked characteristics of his genius. Tho first is that flight of oratory which he takes when something of especial import moves him. Porhaps he is pleading for higher and better lives, or denouncing some great public wrong. Then his voice rings out, clear and resistless, filling every nook of tho vast edifico, acd thrill ing you in every nerve with a senso of its power. Then it is that Yon feel him to be working at high pressure. ~There i8 no time in this light- ning-like speach for deliberation. The combus- tion of words and idoas is terrific, and ouly tho most highly-trained intellect conld feed his tongue fzst enough, Hearing bim speak at this rate, you realize the richness and fallness of his vocabulary. Every word SIOT OUT 48 IF FROX A GU¥, fitsin its place es squarely as the brick which tho bricklayer lays with mortar and trowel There is no time to gearch for words and choose between synonyms. Each one is cenghbt in this fiorco 1lame, and sent out whirling ; aad it is al- ways the right ono. There are many old and quaint words in his diction, which are probably derived from his reading in the early divines, of whom he iseaidto be a close studont. Some- thing of the variety and appropriatencss of his Iauguage is no doubt lcst o his Loarars. Thoy don’t look as if the majority of them were phi- Iologists, thongh, vperhaps, they are above the run of :‘:mh—nudienccs in intelligenco, The other distinctive phase to which I refer is exhibited in his illustrations and socedotes. Ho pauses to point s moral with & little story or bit of scting. ~ If it be humorous, you begin to sco THE FUN TWINKLE IN HIS EYES and twitch in his lis. He unconscionsly takes o the posture, or the tove, or the dialect, of the mau he is degeribing; and the acting is in- imitable. Horelates a conversation between two men, and the two are as distinct as if you saw them in costume. Mr. Beecher, I think, often makes his congregation laugh withont in- tending to, though thero would seem no more harm in laughing in church than in crying. Ile oiten looks a little startled when he hears the ripple of merriment that sweeps over the sea of faces before him. It is not wonderful thata man 50 full of life end epirits should let a little of it out occasionally. Itvisin these conversa- tional passages that he DISTRACTS THE SHORT-HAND REPORTERS. His own reporter, Ellinwood, who has jotted him down for many a yoar, and who writes like the wind, has confcssed that at these times tho Dbest he can generaily do is to sketch an outlino of what has been said, and fill it out as well a8 he can from memory. The conduct of the gcribe ‘who writes at & good rate in short-hand, and who is getting & report for some paper, is comical in these emergencies. Ho drops bis poncil in des- Pemion, screws his evo-glass on bis nose, and ooks at the an unexpected victim of hydropnobia. Whether speaking gravely, or jocosely, or vo- hewently, one thing is epparent which will ex- puxl:-,itn to you one g:2at secret of hig power, an at 18 15 TRACTICAL ENOWLEDGE, Hs . has boen a Leen observer, and has stored his mind with the details of men’s trades and bueinesses, the technical terms of tho mechanic arts, and & thousand and one things that concern daily life. Ho once said thut he never mot a man from whom he could not learn something ; and it hus been by acting on this systom that he has drawa from men such s vact variety of useful things. In the sermon I beard, he used as illustrations the sailing of & ship, the plowing of a farm, and the cutting of a diamond; and, from his thor— ough familiarity with teclinicel terms, and his fluency and saccurscy in using them, I conld swear_that he had plowed farms, eailed boats, end, I had almost eaid, out diamonds.” These are only random instances, and comparatively commonplace. The man who comes fresh from hisshop or office, and hears this student using the terms of his daily work with s much apparent familisrity as if he worked side by sido with Lim, admires him and is drawn to him. It is almost & pity to speak as I did of Mr. Beecher's “ acting,” because it may mislead peo- plo in a direction in which thousends have alroady erred. So much has been said of his “gcting ™ {hat a great many good people expect, zrnhun they go to his church, to find themselves A SORT OF THEATLE, and to see a star-actor. A lady once said to me, “T expected to seoa eort of dramatic entertain- ment and find him theatrical aud stagy in his mouons and gestures, instead of which ho is nataral and simple.” And the impression which o personal visit in this case dissolved is carried sl through life by many a sincors person who never saw Mr. Beecher. His acting is not the- atrical, becauso it i3 so much better than the acting we see in the theatres that it isan insult to his mimetic powers to call it so. Itis a perfect imitation of Nature, and, 28 tbeatro-goers can easily imagine, is TIE LAST THING IN TIIE WORLD to suggest the stage. _ Itis almost to be regretted that Mr. Beecher is so popular, so much loved, and 8o much eought after. If he could be more of a rocluse, if he could live more slowly, thero can hardly be = queetion that his work would last louger. Thero arc €0 many calls on him now thet be is compelled to writo and speak nosrly at the rato the writer ecribbles when the printers are call- ing for" moro ‘‘copy.” A speech, an article, an editorial, & sermon, are thrown off with such rapidity that there is NO TIME TO TRIM THE ROUGH EDGES. And this man does an amazing desa! of work. He odite & large religious weokly, contributing its principal editorials, writes for the Ledger regularly, is generally at work on somo book, is coostantly speaking in public, and preaches two sermons & waek, which are tho ouly ones heard in_theso parts worthy of regular publication. Beveral divines have en- joyed the honor of published sermons, but only Honry Ward Beechor has managed to kacp up the supply of matier worthy of the typo-setter’s atteution. A large pubiishing-house LIVES ALMOST ENTIRELY ON HIS ERATNS, « Ho Lins imitators, of course, who mistako their idiotic antics for ecintillations of gemus. But only people of the same stamp can over embraco tho same delusion, and the failures of theso trade-mark counterfeiters are beneath notice. Btill, it would be unfair to say that marks of hasto pervade the work of tho great preacher. In somo parts of it, they aro only oo apparent ; imt M.hcem _‘:xe 80 roh:x;g‘od, ;n perfect, that the eenest critic can etect o daw. then, it ia to bo donoted if. Aty THIS ACTIVE, LOCOMOTIVE GENTUH could work slowly and with -painfal elaboration. Botter the engine, working at full speed and with immense power, if you do get an ocoasional epark in your cyo! Perhapa his way is tho best, after all. Surely Do delicate embroiderer of ideas could ever have medo such an_impression on hiz genaration as be has made. The deeth of no men in America would_be o severer shock than that of Henry ‘Ward Beecher. No mau in America takes hold oneo meny hearts,—is 2o widely beloved and admired. He bas the advantage of an unselfish career. The politician uses the people even more than the people *use him, and his death 18 THE SIGNAL FOR A SCRAMBLE. This great career hns been unselfishly devoted to the good of mankind, and its inttuence and ro- sults it wonld be hard to overestimate, Men rocognize its purport. No man, whether in literature, gcience, art, politics, or the Church, Las beena visitorat e0 many hearths; his death, whichis far distant, ifa strong body meuns a long life, would bring sorrow into thousands and thousands of homes all over this broad land. 5 AvsT. e TR —The longest word in tho Englich language is smiles, bocause there is a mile between the first and last leiters, :gnnkcr 28 if be believed him to be The Original Mcaning of the Term. Different Varieties in the Market. How They Depend upon Advertising. The Profits, and How They Are Divided. Why Druggists Keep These Medicines, Faith hos boen defined 8s tho substance of things boped for, the evidonce of things not seen. It has boen ranked by the Emersonian school of philosophers above the faculties of roason or imagination. In tho matter of patent modicines, it deserves all thoso things, for, with- out the procious quality of faith, fow of the nostrums warranted to cure all the ills that flesh is heir to would bave any sale, and, lacking that, their virtues would never be extolled. The sub- ject of putont medicines, therefore, is one of vast interest to all sorts and conditions of men, it only as an evidence of the powerful influenco of faith and newspaper nonparoil noticos. The relation between the two is not perhaps apparent, but faith, while it works miracles compared with which the translation of topmost Gargarus into Mud Lako would be nothing, is the immediate offspring of puffory, secular or evangelical. Puffs are propagated Ly monoy, and faith may be considered an equivalent of ‘money in more ways than one. AN HONORABLE ANTIQUITY. TPatent medicines belong to a ramote entiquity, and are made in various waye. Dr. Sangrado insisted that hot water was tho univorsal resolv- ent, in which he made s great mistake, as all empirics do. But his patent medicino possessod the merit of perfect harmlessness, which fow of thie nostrums of to-day share. As a rule, in this enlightened day. the more vulgar ingrodients are dispensed with. THE ELIXIR OP LIFE"” for which we pay $2.50 a bottle is not composed of tho startling elements found in the csuldron of the witches of *‘Macbeth™: Eye of newt, and too of frog, Woal of but and tongue of dog, Addur's fork and blind-worm's sting, Lizord's leg and owlet's wing, Liver of blapheming Jew, Gall of goat and slips of yew Btivered {n the moon's eclipse, Nose of Turk and Tartar’s lips. ’ We have outgrown these yulgar superstitions. Tho newspapers have aided in banishing them, and even if a patent could be obtained for such & compound, the faithful people could scarcely be induced to pour the contents of & bottle of this precions mixture down their throats. It might sorve as a pain-killer more potont than that of Perry Davis, but reading the label alone would produce the effect. This is par excelleaco » scientific ago. At any rate wo tell one another it is, and that answers the purposs a3 well a8 if it wersa _truo. Wo must have our drugs served up in_dog-latin, in abbreviated forms and with undecipherable hiero- glyphics. And the more trying tho name, the more potent the bill. A postrum for ‘* HEPATIO BTINULATION " would meot with a roadier sate thanemers liver- pill, although the one wera composed of sepia, alocs, and gum-arabic, and the other of bread, hick dust, and sugar, favored with a littlo gen® tian root. It is all in the name. The faith of mankind in patent medicines hag been carefully educated. As a matter of fact faith is omo of thoso- dclicate plants which flourish in tho shado. Like ivy it caonot abide the glaro of dar. To produce s healthy specimen of faith, the enetrating rays of curious reagon must bo ban- shed. And to do this requires persistence, shrewdness, and money. especially money. The marvelous ‘power of any particular nostrum must bo brought out by a wood-cut, or better, by A DRACE OP WOOD-CUTS, giving a glimpee of what mankind would be, and 100 ofton is, without this heaven-gont remady ; the companion picturo ehmring tho chauge which has come over tho patient by the use of four or five bottles. In addition'to theso cats, there must be o collection of lotters from grate- ful patienta pouring out thanls for their rostor- ation to life and lealth, and giving in detail the amount and cost of tho medicines they have taier, Then the newspapers must be brought in. Standing notices aro ordered at so much a line, from & cont in Calumet to a dollar in Chicago, and 10 cents in roligious publica- tions. A man takes up the paper Monday, and thoe first thing he sees is *“Bottlefillor’s Invigor- stor” followed by a notice of from ten to fifty lines. Ho pays noattontion toitforamonth orso. The first remark is * The papers are getting more stupid every day. There's that beastly Bottlefiller again.” A month later IE IS A CONVERT to Bottlefiller, buys a bottle of the “Invigor- ator,” and feela that ho is—becauke he oaght to be—invigorated. And so on. To keep notices standing in sll the principal newspapers in the United States, including tho couutry paper and the religious weekly, requires money. Indeed, it nceds a fortune, Tho ma- jority of men are gullible in tho watter of pat- ent medicines, but ono cannot assail them at once. Every man has his tuno, and the adver- tisement must bein long before the advertiser is sure of success. Hence, whilo it ia the easiest thing in life to compouud a few drngs, call the mixture by a long name, and fill, label, and pack a thousand gallons of it, it is not so easy a matter to dispose of it. Kindly nature has provided crodulous humanity with o safeguard against the quacks. Of 1,000 who sail out upon & sea of Invigorants, altcratives, purgatives, and pain-killers, all but’ one foundor in mid-ocean. The survivor is rowarded. Thus our * delicate constitutions, which at certain soasons of the year aro prono to the ravages of & ficklo climate and extremes of temperatura nn~ known in any other habitable quarters of the world, etc.,” a8 the circalars say, are saved the infliction of a vast inundation of medicincs. This shows THE DIFFICULTY OF POPULARIZING A COMPOUND. Helmbold remarked to Jr. Rayner, a leading druggist in this city, that no man could hope to succeed who could not make a profit of at least 400 per cent on his nostrum. Ehe expenso of advertising would gobble 350 per cout, leaving the balance for legitimate expenses and a fair margin of profite. Let those who think thoy can delude the American people remember this, and hegitate before perpetrating tho enormity of a patent medicine. % THE VERY NAME should excite suspicion. Orizinally the pre- fix explained that the discoverer of & remedy bad applied to the Govern- ment _for protection agsinst imitat- ors. Later the profits made by tho early explorers of this new region stimulated thousands of others, and tho patent medicines becamo 8o numerous that protection was pro- tection no longer, and the word patont becamo merely a descriptive word, implying that nobody knew what they were made of. A WELL-STOCKED DRUG-STORE contnins betsveon 800 and 1,000 variotios of these special remedles. Thoy run from corn-plasters to fever and oguo mediciues, touch lightly on ointments; wallow deep in rheumatic antidotes, pick their way throngh pills of all kinds, zud g‘;reh madly among cosmetics and cough-mix- es. There aro three nationalities reprerented in this profitablo businesa: English, F;zeuch, and American. The English medicines are noted for their age; the French for tho neatness and precision with which medicines aro put up; and tho American for their dsnng inefficiency, ox- cept through the ever-ready medium of imagina- tion, or more easy if higher one of faith. Somo of these are old ‘staud-bys.” Cockle's anii- bilious pills will outlive the present generation. Jayne's c?ecmrunt may survive Jayne’s hon- esty by o decnde. Ayer's pills will continue to purgeonr children's children, some other Juminery shall ‘have appeared to spend s million® or two fo oust them. Hall's Sicilisn Invigorator will tone up the systems (theoretically) of coming si%{legmun, and Dr. Cram's (sucgestive name) “Fluid Lightoing” banish witk beneficent auhea the tooth-aches of & more perfect human- . crhaps before THE VENDER OF PATENT MEDICINES bas an enemy. In the economs of wature evils are pot unlimited. One eo-called ewil kindly holds another in check. The greally propagat. ing ealmon is widely eaten; the spider and school-boy combine to keep the honse-fiy's fam- ily within bounds: big flass, the old proverb goes, havo little flex3 wpon - their backs to Dbito ’em, and little fleas bave losser flese, aud 80 on ad infinitum. And s0it 18 with tha patent medicino-man. The vast expende of advertising and close comperi- tion all aid in restricting him. But his spider is l ‘doctors, A physician in good standing will not preseribo anything liko an American or English patent medicine. He foels his professional gorge rise whenevor he hears its name mention- ed. But with the French remedies it is different. He does not'mind ordering for lglhent LaVille's “Liqueur curative do la Goutto et des Rhumatises,” probably ~ becsuss nobody would over suppose it to bo & patent affair. But while, professedly and ostentatiously, the practicing physician snubsthe Ayors, and Jaynes, and Orams, he somotimes secretly calls upon them to help him out with a Pprescription. CASES HAYE OCCURIED in which he has purchesed * Osgood's Chola- gogue,” poured it into anotber bottle, and pro- scribad the *mixture to be taken three times & day " with unblushing assurauce. As s rulo, howover, he is wary as to his dealings with pat- ent medicines, aud condemus them without stint. ALY, LARGE DRUGGISTS keep & full assortment of curatives of this de- gcription for two reasons: theroia & great popular demand for them, and a retail profit of from 10 to 50 per cont on them. They nover pass an opin- ion upon the medicine to purchasers. A man who wanta a bottle of any of the thousand spe- cifics in the store obtainy no word of condemna- tion or commendation of its contents from the soller. He pays Lis money and takes his chaico. He is supposed to know what ho wants, aod tho source of his information and his line of argu- ment are eminently ridiculous. A well-dressed, intellectual gentleman strolled in & hesitating way into Buck & Rayner's storo & day or two ago, aud asked for a bottle of Planta- tion Bitters. Jr. Reyner handed him a bottle. *‘What do you think of it ?” asked the customer. “We mnever expross an opinion, sir, upon these medicines. Wodo not know what thoy aro made 4{1{, and will not be made responsible for their ef- focts.” *Well, ” returned the customer, “that's per- fectly right. I'm opposed to these quack-rome- dics myself. I told my wifo I never would buy a bottle of them. But theso Plantation Bittors havo been 80 extonsively advortised that thero must be somothing in them.” This species of reasoning is very prevalent, among cven intelli- gent mon. Becanse some vandal hand has postod 4 glaring wood-cut on Lookout Mountain, Plan- tation Bitters will rogulate thq stomach, ezpel the poisonous humors from tho body sud trans- form a wasted lifo of misery and sickness into an earthly paradise of health and happiness. Pro- cious faith'and sublime reason. In speaking of the patent medicines 1T MUST NOT DE INFERRED that all aro worthless. Some of them are un- doubtodly valusble; some are barmless, and some positively iujurions. It stands to reason thata drug which must yield 400 per cent profit fo remunerate the compounder, and at the same time sall at & rensonable price, can contain no costly ingredients; or if it should, their efticacy must be merely nominal, not active. Take the trifling mastter of buchu, for instance. Tho druggist canextract & moro valuablo quality for the same prico than is contained 1o a bottle of the Helmbold preparation, the actual value of which i3 mainly in its association with gorgeous {;outem' ropreseuting Africans carryig huge undles aimlessly about in differcnt dircctions, and woearing an oxpression of the utmost bo- nignity. Bomo of the ‘*‘invigorants™ (and " their name is leglen) contain an alterative of acknowledged efiicacy—corrosivo sublimate. Now, 88 averybody knows, this is. in excess, an exceedingly deadly poison, and should | bo dispensed with the uimost care, and with & beavy personal responsibility. Under eslsting laws theraisnosuch thing as_responsibility, There is in this State a law prohibiting the sale of what aro termed *female remedies,” whose object is a dotestable crimo, but thero aro few drug-storoes in the city where such abominations cannat be obtained. "And with this exception, & Government stamp licenses the deuslers in speci- fles to kill or ouro as accident or 1gnorance may determine for them. THERE IS ONE FEATURE rbout tho rovenue stamping which i 1f a direction is givon on the label wi pills, it becomes & “ patent medicino” in the oyes of the law, and requires s stamp. Citrato of magnesia, a popular summer aperient, must pay & ravenus, or tao purchaser be left in'doubt 83 to whother the whole bottle or a teaspoonful should be taken. Iu point of fact the popular fatuity with regard to quacks and their nostrnma appears to have affocted thot venerable gentle- mun, Unole Sam. —_—_— THE MOUNTAIN. Deep in s meadow of violets, steeped in its odorous b Warm iu tho hush of the noontide, chequered with sunlight and shade, Satagir! plucking young blossoms, blue and white garlands enwreathiug ; Near hier a boy, ever restless, chasing tho dragonilics, played. High overhead, black cagles screamed 28 they soared Up—ouward— Bwift ir; ‘!Ll‘m dltclh of the gale, straight into the deeps of the day; e to tho Nortl, cloud-clearing glants of 100 roached sunwar Tands full of knows overlasting, casting off temposta like spray. B “ Sonls thers aro 1ika esgles, that will not rest in the valley, . Suck not tho sweets of the blossoms, driok not the dews of the morn, Pinoin the weelth of the cornlands ;—0, where the Taighty storis Thero is th joy of existezica ! 1fe on the cliffs of tho awn ! «Leaps thirough the gorge of the mountain tho thuna derous juy of the torrent— 0, but my beart leaps within mo—away to tho sky- plercing cres Rest and incrtion are shame, and age unto youth is abhorrent ; Dazzls the arch'of the sunbow | gorgeous the glacicr's breast! ; ¢ Tame, weak limbs in tho lowlands ; years to foster aud cherish, Slowly to creep o' tho churchyard, nosightly to sink out of sight ; Botter to climb to the mountaln, though in its snows we should perish ! Detter to ot Wil the eagles, though wo should dlofa the lig] Gone g the boy to the uplands, around him the fierce Torth-wind bisscs, Breathless e buas on’ the precipice, clings to the o Under_kim the snow-bridge, spanning un- fathomed sbywsos, High up before Lim tho chamols bounds over chasm and ledge, Famous among the great huntors, aloue where no step dares to follow, Stands the fair youth of tho valley ; the giddy fco-world Do s wo Fatnt through the clonds rolled beneath him sound the lust Lorns from the Lollow— Fast from the rose-blushing summits palo the last rays of the sun, Tl.wn-v:hJ i {Se darkness and silence, only tho avalanche- er un Calls through the gloom of tho spaces, echoes from cavern and rift; Gone i Lhe track of tho chamola; riving the blackness Tours g the gteep of the f up the stecp of the fastnoss the whiriwind that drives tho white drift. O, nevermore fo the lawlands descend the bold feet of the rover | Hark! overlead darts tho snow-slide swift throngh the sleot and the hail, Whelms him deep down in the chasm, pilesa huge 500%-mountain over— Nover lo melt in tho sunbeam—never to drift an the gale. Calm in that cell everlasting, deep in tho heart of the ‘mountsn, Changeloss iu beauty ho eloops evermore, with a smile on his month ; Pare and transparant bis cheek, like the fresh-frozen Dark e ocks Suriing sepund ft—el ark the locks curling aroun: us! of tlis South, © il Years lg;c;iy in the valley; tired, and withered, and Yy Through the long blossom-sweet lanes does an old ‘woman wearily crecp; Palsied Ler hands, and her eyes are sunken and dim, Sarienlr’ : ‘earns to lie down in the church; d—dust the earth-dust to sieep, 7 e n Btill does she ponder & saying—s!ill a falr dresm docs Ona v ta hesmty, 002 youth a1 o - e {{‘" youth sleeps under the far. * Better toclimb o the mountatn, N, though in {ts snows T 10 e0ar with the esgles, th jo t2ar with the eagles, though wo should die tn ~Goutanting . Brookes in the New Fork Homs gest il te o A Fentucky Matrou. From the Harrisburg (iy.) People, Alre. Juincs Aleorn was boraim Gepard Coun- &y, married and moved just across the river into Jessaniine, with her husband. Sie is 45 or 50 yearsold; bLaa several children and grandchil- dren; has lived in the river bottom all her lifo; nover was on the cliffs but twice in her lifo; never saw a turnpike, or dry goods store, or school-house; never heard a sermon preached ; never but once, when the bottom was overflowed zud she was persuaded to visit a Deighbor's house, saw a carpet or pane of glass. She lives within 9 miles of Nicholssville, 15 from Lencas- ter, 15 from Harrodsburg, aud 21 miles from Lexington, and only 214 Tafles from a turnpike. 8o ina vory seasible, industrions woman, snd er husband & prosperous furmes, OWDin about 100 acres of good land. " ¢ “lost in the big world! Virginia Real was a clerk in the great stora of Pink & Plodding. Sho stood in the Iace depart~ ment, and displayed and measured till her littlo body achéd every night. Pink & Plodding flour- ished in a brick and plato-glass block, kept a scora or two of salespeople and runners, and drapod all the fashionable world. Their spring and fall *openings” disturbed square miles of feminino hearta (and purses), and in any season their countors wers thronged. Virginia thought herself fortunate at ficat to bo taken into Pink & Plodding's establishment. But we are ungrate- ful belngs who tire of our blessings. Sho camo to the city a lone creature, with nothing to ad- vance her oxcept aletter to the Rector of St. Paul's. The Rector of St. Paul's kindly recom- mended her to Mr. Plodding, who wanted a young womnn behind his lace-counter just then, and Mr, Plodding took her. There she stood day after day, somotimes great circles darkeniug around her cyes, spread- ing fabrice, hunting unheard-of patterns, and going through violent gymaastics for hurried customers; who, perhaps, piled the counters with tangles-up to their chins, and went away loaving tho shop-gir] nothing but trouble, She was not quite a pretty child; she had a great deal of dark brown hair, and swift dark oyes, and baby bands ; when she came to work in the morning she was flushed and fresh, as sleep and youth will make the heaviest-iaden of usall; but, a8 her day-sands slipped, o slipped her bloom, till night drove her, HAGOAED AND OLD-FACED, to her homeloss boarding-place. To bo suro, gho saw the world. It flowed constantly past her, loved to hurry and vex hor, aad shook its loisure, its plentcons happiness and full purse, forever in her face. Virginia bad no companions among her follow- olerks. They consisted ¢f fluffy voung women and correcily-gotten-up men. Girls who hung variegatod hair round their skulls, and who told you a thine was * vur poorty,” or *chawming,” or ““delaightfal;” who, in short, aped all the dawdhng of upper-tendom. Men of that cut- aud-dry appearance which & life behind a coun- ter gives & family-man. To be sure, above all stood Miss Blum, the cashier, whose mouth shut like an oystor-shell, and snzpped so when it was forcad to unclose, that you wouldn't pry at it often. But she was not of tho lower earth, earthiy. The girls dislikod Virginia; they con- sidercd her an upstart; her reserved ways were “airs;” and, altogethor, she wasn't *‘their style;” they enubbed bor, The cat-and-dry men were 80 occupied between the rushes of busi- ness and mental attempts to stretch their sala- ries around the year, that they forgot this fatherless danghter in their midst. Jr. Plodding was a leathery old fellow, who worked his human_machines hard, and looked well to their operations. The flesh and blood, u?'\-lhsonl part of them, he had nothing to do with, Difforent wns Mr. Pink—that elegant being! Ho was a genjgeman-merchant, whose father had set him up in business, 2and who did the fast- horso driving of tho establishment, leaving it to old Plodding to do the fast-bargain driving. Mr. Pink seldom entered the store, but he delighted in sending » flutter beforehim whenhe did enter. He scattered complimonts, and silly, patronizing epoeches, right and Joft. When Mr. Piok saw Virginis, he fixed his eyes on her and promisod to amuse himself with that little girl. But he never got on with her atall. Respectful to- ward lum, she yet held herself so muchabove him that all his boasted shots struck below her feot. The serene shop-girl DECLINED FLIRTATION with that fascinating being. She was 5o lonoly, Her boarding-place was & chull rasort, whera *‘boorders™ wera boxed in smail rooms, fed sparingly and solemnly, and told the price of every article of food whilo it was betweon their teeth, by thet sovero widow, Mirs, Stump, who surveyed her victims from the head of the long table. Here, again, paople wero nogative to Virginia. Not many recreations were there for her, Sho goldom saw a play or heard music; a city's weaith of resources Tolied round her, and she stood, like Tantalus, unable to command thom. Some- times sho slipped into the froe seats at St. Paul’s, and watched the pomp of religion. If the Reo- tor ever saw her aftor sorvice, he gave her a pat- ronizing nod. There was nothing for her, she told herself again and again, but tostand in that store, psy her earmngs to tho bonrding- house koeper, and keep the tread-mill going till sho died. Often this unholped child grew desperate, and, +when she came Lome of nights, sho throw Ler- solf upon the floor, and beat ber tired, bursting head against the wall. It was foolishness, to be sure, but the foolishness of a hcman being mental agony was what drew oui the tenderest compassion from One who once sojourned on the earth. “If 1 had some one!" cried Virginia, * just eomebody ! A ForEND 1" Tt did not strike her to say lover. Lovers she ‘might have fonnd among the youths who fro- quented Mra. Stump’s, and looked upon Vir- ginia, with some favor. But In none of theso could she find ber friend. Many young girls have passed through such experience in & big, lonely city, and have takon tho husks whicl chanco throw them, or, worst of all, hava been goaded by maddening hoartache down the dark road of ruin, She sometimes pushed up her sleeves, and looked at the pink, soft arms they held. She was so0 young to be all forsaken and Bhe wondered, bitterly, why she had been created at all! The gift of life comes to so mauy of us wrong side ont. Wo pull it this way and that; but we shall find the d the beauty, and the glory of it, if we'ro patient, Some ar to find the meaning of lifa in love; some i splondid work; and a_happy few in heroic deads reservod to them, which will echo down tha centuries. Never mind, Dearie-down-in-the-mud! Just pull away. You're sure to come out dry and high, if you keep a good heart and stiff Lip. One night, 18 Virginia leaned agains; the win- dow, looking at tho heavy eky, sho heard a violin. The sound .was taint; but, a8 sho listoned, it grew till it filled all her sense of hearing. It talked to her like an angel. Her heart awelled. She leaned toward the darkness from which it spoke,—strained after it. Its sweotness, its pathos, its compaks cannot be described. She took no thought of the hand uponit. Sho LOVED TIAT VIOLIN. Through hours she listened, leanirg over the window-sill, feeling the city's broath 1 her. face, but the breath of Heaven in her Leart. Sho thonght about it all next day, and waited impa- tiently for it next evenig. Night by night it talked to her, becoming a part of her existence. 1f it neglected her, sho was restless and fretted. When it did its best, sho paid it distant tribute by clapping her Lunds and whispering in ectasy, “Ob, yon%uhng old fiddlo! 1 do lovo youl You've got s soull Iwiah it wasa person !" sho aften added ; ** I wish it conld be afriend to me.’ Tho man at the bow is some orchestra-man, of courso; like thosa fat follows who go into beer-suloons. Bat I love his fiddle so!” Suddenly the music stopped. night after night, but all the hours were atlent. ** Just like eversthing I take to loving!” cried Virginia, passionately. “Why couldw’t that woman’s supply of codfish have becn cut off in- stead? Ican live without codfish, but what shall I do without my music-soul 2" I think I shall die!” wailed Virginia, in a woman's intense undertone, as sho dragged through the dusk one ovening. “I Znow I shall die if somebody don’t comfort me protty soon! Ox, o, I'D LIRE TO STEAL A BADY! Thy ien't tome foundling dropped into my lap? 1 siinil forget all the pretty ways my own brother Jamic had before be died, and I shall just mum- my, like Mies Blum! Ohb, Iwish a baby’'d be Iost, 2nd T'd find it 1" . 5 Midsummer-night, you know,is s nicht on which evory spoken wish s granted. It being midsummer-night, therefore at tho next corner Virginia did fiod a lost baby. It was a quaint, protty child, dressed in cloth- ing of a foreizn cut. One littlo shoe was on one little foot, but the other little shoo was clutched 1 fat hands. Frightened, but brave, was thiy baby ; crying and quivering, butlooking straight ahead, and moppiug,its faco with ita_ potticoats. “ What is it, dear ?” asked Virginia, stooping to the little head. * Papa!” said the child, bursting into & wail; *vo ist er?” ‘* She’s 0 frightened! Are you lost?” “Papal” “ Come with me,” begged the gir], winning on the couvulsed fzco, and getting power over her waif.. *You'll como with me, won't you?” Bhe led it along. “ What's your name 2" *Wooaso!"" * Louise, is it? Ah, she's so tired ! on my shoulder, pet; 1'll carry yon.” 8he got Louiee into her arms and FLITTED LISE A THIZZ. Bhe knew that to report her find at once to the police would be to have the child taken from her aud placed in the station-house. She would wait and fond & mosraze. 5o mhe flow past Mrs. Stump, who admitted her to a dark hall, end darted up-stairs. Virginia opened the shutters, threw her hat from her, and sat down in a rocking-chair, sauggling the child, The ehild bad lazge blue Come up She listoned |* coufidence, and watchod all Virginia’s motions with discerning eyes. - *Louiso !" eried the girl, and hore she stop- ped to squeezo and kiss tho child’s breath half away. “0b, it's been Eo long since Jamie went ont of his sister's_arms. Ob, you bonnie dar- ling! Do you understand mo when I talk ?” onige shook her head and then nodded it. Bhe was learning two languages, and often grew confused botween them. “Do youn nnderstand this ?” Virginia framed the plump faco with her hands and kissed it ;ggin; “Qh,Iloveyou! I do love you so, *Bist du mamma?” inquired Loniso. lifting an interrogating finger and placing it on Vir- ginia's chin. . . _The girl laughed out merrily, Her dismal littlo room echoed. That room was sstonished ; to the sound of sobbing it was accustomed, but against laughter it set its ghastly face and lifted its ghostly voice. “No, I'm not marnma,” replied Virginia, ** but T'll tell you who I am. Put your arms up so. XNow say, DARLING JEANTE!" Lonise made an effort to do as requested, but theso were two big worda. She clucked at them, broke down, and stuck hor tonguo cut in confu- sion. Virginia Ianghed again, and cuddled tho little thing on her neclk. *‘But whero {s mamma?” she asked; “ whois mamma? she'll miss you, won't she?” ““Himmol |” uttered Louise with an effort,— “gone!” *Ts ho dond ?” low snd tenderly. . **Yah,” replied Louise, greatly relioved at bo- ing comprobonded, — goue dead.” * Laws sakes!” bawled drs. Stump, who made towels an excuse for marching upon_a citadel whero she heard such unwonted sounds of rov- elry. ‘“Whose young one is that? What on earth are you doing with it " ¢ She was lost on the strects,” explained Vir- ginia; “I found her.” “ Lost a-purpose, I expect. Yon'd better sond her round to the station and have her owners looked up, if sho's got any. I ain’t gomng to feed no vagrants!” #Don't trouble yourself, madam! ™ fired uj this aweet-tempered young woman instantly. know very well that feeding people is not your forte; and, be assured, I shall take all proper steps for finding hor ‘ owners.’” Mra, Stump opened hor mouth like a howitzar, and was going to plump s teiling ball, when tho door-bell startled her back into her *respectable ‘boarding-house keeper” demeanor. She went down and answered the call. Virginia's thread of talk with Louise was broken; sho listened apprehensively to tho voices below. ** Lost, madam! " exclaimed a man's voice, decpand full of forcign gutterals; “a littlo childl W'ile I been gone. Was gone two waeks. The nuree, she careless—she lets mine kind out of her eye—a man tell meshe vos on this sthreet. ™ “PApAl” fluttered Lonise, pricking up her ears. *Oh,. papa!” Virginia carried her to the head of the stairs. She #aw below an alert man, bropzed, but blue- eyed and fair-hawred like his child, dressed in traveler's gray, and holding violin-case under his arm. 'This be dropped as Louisercached her arms and screamed for him ; ho dashed up-stairs, met them midway, and took the child out of Virginia's arms. “T thought I had lost thee! Bless theo! Ab, this Fraulein bas been kind to thee. Hast thanked her?” *‘Yah, Ich-ich habe Sil gekuszt!™ blundered baby, eagerly. *“That was well!” As he grew calmer his English camo more smootbly. *Frunlein, be- lief me, T am crateful !™ “ 1t was nothing,"” replied Virginia with filling 'S 1 hato to have you take her away; there gra Do children here.” I was so glad to find er.” “ Ach!™ his faco brightened like a emn_fally unclouded. ‘She shall come oft! Shall yoa not, Louise, and see the young lady who saved you from danger on the street? We lodge just ihree square—ronnd tho corner.” Ho felt eazar- Iy in all his pockets, and finaily produced s card- o0, from which ho tool a card to present to Virginia, She read thereon, in German 3 * FRIEDERICH RAISER.” The rest she could not translate, but ecented from it something abovt a Professor end Munich. “My name is Virginia Real,” she told him timidly, fecling a littlo afraid of the Professor and Munich. ) Friederich Kaiser lifted his hat with the arm not occupied by his little girl, and bowed with respect. * You have dono service to me, Miss Real. Can I do no littlo pleasure to yon “T wonder,” murmured Virginia, “is it you whom I have heard playing on the_violin so much? Ob, 1t was 8o beautiful! Iso much loved to hear it!"” Friedorich Kaiser now hastened to get down- stairs, to sct his baby on her feot, and to takeup s violin-caso. *‘ Here ho is! Cremona! I haf played bim allmy life. You love it, hah? Good! You slall hear himoft. Shall I have the privilege to come_and play him for you at yonr leisuze ?” Ho looked up _enthusitstically to YV whe nestled on the steps, her lips parted child’s. “ Oh, if you pleare ! OF, I'LL BE 80 GLAD " ghe breathed. (**Such doings!” matterod Mrs, Stump, who, having stepped out of tho hall, had left the door ajar, * ‘That man’s a widower, and I'll bet she knowed it. Ican sco clear through it now— this pickin’ up babies on tho streets and fondlin® ‘em!" eI 3fiu come !” cried Herr Eaiser, picking up danghter 2ud violin, and bowing Limself out of the strect-door. ‘‘ And tho youngling shall como. Good day, Fraulein.” According to Lis word be came. And having come once, he came again, cvidently enjosing lha‘ndar and esuctity of Mrs. Stump's soufly arlor. s Whilo Virginia held Louise, he played all bis favorite music, watching her sppreciativo fzco with kindling ove. Sometimes, btweenhismusio- Dbursts, he told her about his early days, his Heidelborg life and student foot-tours, Louise’s mothar, his dark days, his coming to America to betcer bad fortune, his playing in orchestras and teaching, while scarching for a euitzble position. Thus he formed ties with her, and surrounded her with hearty friendship. There is no man on earth 0 appreciative of woman a8 a well-bred German, - YVirginia know her friend had come, Light love may come and it may go: men and woimen join hands every day, but few women find in those who woo them the parfectly responsive friend. From making formal ealls, with his collar set precizely, Louise and the violin in arms, he went on to running in with SUDDEN AND PRETTY PLEASUBES for Virginis. He would take Louigo and her to ride, that they might sce somo refreshing spot outside the dusty city. Or ho tucked her under his arm and took her o concerts, whore he placod her g0 that he could see ber from bis chair; and then he played. always turning his cager, boy- like face toward her for Lis trinmphs. 4 Perhaps on Sundays ho called to take her with im to tho church of Fatherland, where he wor- shiped. Virginia sat in this placo and crowded tears back. It was all so quoint and sweet, and liko some memory of a life she must bave lived on another planat, it tonched ber with such s gense of al-homeness. The high pulpit and ten- der-voiced minister, tho Lutheran form, the strong, hearty chanting, the wave of adoration which passed over the place at the mention of Gott or Jesn,—men, women, little children, bow- ing ever Lefore that name, a8 grass bows when He breathes on it,—tho deep, swect voice of the man beside her repenting those words his mother taught him under bolls seross the scas,—theso thinga all found home in her heart. Thus Friederich Kaiser made her more and more bis fiiend. # Kaiser " she once laughed softly to herself. %That's Emperor ! Friederich, Emperor! Ho is just splendid, nnd it snits him.” So, under her breath, sho took to reversing his name, and " Jones 2" ‘annoying to have some other fellow's cl The moment Miss Real da: vision, he flaw ot of o rr B L hex:llznnd.!. of his ckmandmmh!?.? : _"Iv is mine! L am nowi posit Ivill teach my art and Gorar so il institation ! Ach, Jou aro glag 1 e oay and studiod het facs. * But ] s mof opePPd £ tellme YOU WILL Go, "T0O. 50 good—s0 true [ I will take sq —and thou chait have Louigs, o of iy littlo friend—can'st trust mo all 7 > "Mmy “Would anothor b theo ?" continuad the el{:in::,n" husbang 1o Besiation, Hig *Oh, 01" roplied Virsioia, lookin g S 2ol xoplied ¥ 2 oy ol youl” ghe itted in her quist, “%‘W “How good that is!" eried the Fuz printing tho betrothal kiss on pes i i3 *Sweetheart, [ am thy own " oreber] “ And now I will briog my younglingte dashed out of e house, and Tetumey g 3l moments, with Louise ‘under fty vz%lfu—cm m:d;rxtho othor. - "° Maad by irginia sat through hours thy she_remembered them oy h‘:?fi;:fhsfm Louiso upon her bosom, listening to g, 48 which nttered its masterpioces, and rtih with Indescribablo satisfaction fhat il factory man in the whole world jty e Fredatick.— Wood's Houschold Majosigg "S5 bat s i HUNOR, Why is & grain of sand in the ere i master’s cane? Becausa it hux‘::\-gz‘:,fe; %fl' —Tho differonce betiween 4 fys po0L sealing-wax is, that soaling-wax borpg fy i' bt secrot, and the tale-boarer ous iy 1oy0 L4 A —The Peoria woman who wanteq lgnt!f:. herself into her husband's grave 3 fow g 80 has just married a lightaing rag 1o, 200tks m_x':ruf: galdfi’n;flgexsayih:hlt JOU may kngw 4y old bachelor by the faot that hy @ baby as i L i —A Maine husband wanted o bet his wi sho conld whip 5 panther; b sy acd rafnzod [ i —A BufTalo father hes persnaded s bag b, to stay in o pights. The chain tho padlock 75 centa. 8 g —*Can you roturn my Xove‘]duml Julis? “ Certainly, sir. I don't want if, I'm gure™ ¢ —A Missouri husband whesled his crippy | wife three miles tho other day to let hergeey fuoeral procession, *‘the first she had hud thy pleasuro of sceing for seven yeara," —A bridal pair wero easily recognlzed ca ta train recently by the comfort they took in e ing room for a third person on a Beat tht wy only intended to accommodate two, —Milwaukeo wisdont: “When you ses g young couplo lato ot night on the likey chowing, and biting, and oating esch other fli lot 'om alone. They aro ouly fooling.” - —Why aro the ladics the bigzest thicvesineze istenco® Becauso they steol thorr peitiosy bono their stays, crib their babies, and ooy their dresses. —A Hacino schoolmaster hes forbiddz hiy ppgls to eat rutabayas during stuly hours. Thy ;1: t8 of children are fearfully abridged in thesy uys. —A Dolawaro obituary: “Tlis hat wass} always cocked over the left ear, but kedidntom a huid‘.;cr li,.n tm\'n.’[’l —a4A bank must be s poor placeto imputa secret, as thero1s a cash ear and &!aflhg:‘l‘m constantly. Vat is tho difforenco boteen the enler of the pigmies recently seon in ands bliseful departare from earth? o‘flp‘.m in Africs, and t'other's s eutbanasia, —Indulgent Teacher—*‘ What continant will youdraw for your eshibition map, Sumuel ¥ Bharp boy, who reads the papers—*Ths Antar. tie, if you please, ma’am.” —The most trying circamstance under which boy can be, is when another boyin the alley it winking at him, and his father offering hims nickel fo carry in 3 pile of woad. —When Mr. Soberleigh read that a father jn the West had chopped his only son in two, hs innocently remarked that ho didn't think they ought to arrest a man for simply *parting hia heir in the middle.” —When a man gets into the habit of walking with bis kauds tucked under s coal-tails—ss ‘men who accumulato brain vary fast often do— e ought to leave his cane &t homo, if olyts avoid Darwinian analogics. —Tfhe editor of the Columbia (8. C.) ad, with grateful eloquence acknowledged the re- ceipt of 2 milk punch_in ono column, and in tha next published *a Temperanco Department” Bomebody has complaied of his fuconsistzay, and ho explaing that the “editor of the Nl has nothirg to do with what goes into the teme perance column of his pzper, nor hava the gen. tiemen who conduct that department anything to do with what goes into tho editor of the Mail.” —Enthusiastis _pedestrisn—*‘Am I on ths right rond for Stratford—Shakspeare's tovny Yoa know? You've often heard of Shakspears? Intelligent British rustic—* Yea; boyon he?™ —Bismarck has been advised by his physiciacs to let his beard grow long, 80 8s to protect his throat. Mrs. Bismarck is delighted al the prog- pact of having him again bacoms hirsuter, ssys the New York Commercial i —\Whenever you sce s fmall boy emarging from the honso with his left arm shadivg b eves and tho other smoothing tho basemont of his trousors, it is safe toarrive at the conclusioy that he has been chasiug the boot-jack arot his fathor. —Thero is 8 Danbury legend to the effect thl = party desiring to transact somo privata Doss with another was invitad by the othertt step into a neighboring store. **Bat we will 4 disturbed thero,” sad the first party. *Chi nc,” said the second party ; ** they don't adver tise.” —A boy of 5 years, dressed in hia first sxd coat, 6todd leaning against his mother's uex + Mamma,” eaid Le, after a pause, * I wish 331 had put o tail to this coat ; T havo wanted st coat theso good many years.” Thero was & lenco for o Apace. —A Indy hed her dress trimmed with bugle before going to & ball. Her liitle dsughia wanted to know if the buzles would blow whes she danced. “Ol, no," said the mother, psft will do that whon he sees tho bilL.” —Woman's Righta.—Scotch lady (who bat takon & houso in tho Highlands, her servants ent deoly giving * warning "}— What'a the ressa@ of this? Have you mof all you waat? rooms, and good fresh air and food, east work?" Spokesvoman—* Yes, mem,—but—tch there’s no & decentlad within ery o’ us!” —Mondicant (with = strong bresth, stopung a passor-by)— Ploase, sir, won' you givé 3 fellow e prica of a Joaf of bread?” Paser by—*1'm, Tet mo =ce, it's 15 cnts a glass, Tbe eve—well, here you have it, and welcome.” —No Rocommondation. — Gushing Pariy= “There’s a viow now! Magnificent! Surelf vou'll admit fhat deserves praise!” Practica Self-made Man—** Well, I dou't know, It bil made 1o effort to deservoit. Didn't mals ¥ self!” —This Is the way 1t generally is: Mrs. Jook will eay to her undutifal littlo son, Wiy sis! you liko Willie Brown ?" Ars. Brown will romath %o her hoveful, ' Why ain't you like Jincy The_ boys bave lotsof f1n lmfib,\ii about it, especially when they aro stealing water: melons together.—Terre Haule Express. Ao —A man who was sbout to be hanged in Al bama, saug as he stood with the noosa sbouk neck? O | the bright angaia_aze waiting o me.” Wherenpon the local editor fiendu‘ Y Wroto: “And then the angels stirred up the &8 and Jooked brighter than ever.” £ P —A yonng man in Indiana sues his father for loaned money, which the father chims was property. The fathor's coungel, in summin; zhfl; the caso of his client, remarked : * Twice had this prodigal son returned to his father's bousd: twice has he been received with open n;m:d: twice for him has the fatted calf bees killed, and now he comes back and wants the old ¥- —A writer in the Milwaukeo Seatinel dasefl; the respeatful svmpathy of all gentlemen ¥ givo ont their washing. He says: “ [t -rfnfliu left in 0no's oom by tlie washervoman. Satur: calling him EAISTR FREDERICK. Baid the Kaicer Frederick to Virginia one day, in tho beginning of the antumn, **I am golug away!® o told hor all his plang. *Ach! thy face grows long. But it is on a businesd-journey. Seo ! ir—a Professorship—do they call bim 80 7—i5 weyte mine! I will go and sce. Porhaps I ehail come back with good tidings.” Virginia carried ber life without lim a week, she miissed the Kaiser 80 ; aud cricd onco on hor arns ko empty of Louise—for Le took the ckuld with bim. 'Oo Saturdsy mght she came home from tho store, glad to fecl to-morrow's rest meeting her. It wes Ler birthday, but no one had celebrated it. She had given it littlo thought herself. Mrs. Stump met her with a package she said had becn left for Mizs Real early in the after- noon, and which Gbre unmistakable marks of hasing been pried into. Within locked doors, Virginia cat the cord, and found that tho Kaiser bleased his little friend on her birthday, and bezged her acceptanceof thia volume—his favorite Schiller. It was a mice birthday ! thought Virgmia. She did not feel too tired to_dress for dinner, and to put a late roge in her hair. Just 8s gas was lighud, Mrs. S;ump's door- bell was moarly rooted ous of tue basement. day we put on another fellow's shirt, but wg:dn‘ wear it. Although it wes ruflied arousd U bottom, tho sleeves wero too short to pus on, amf there was no place for a collar.’ il ZAn old citizen of Crofton. Ey., who ¥&} troubled by owls that invadad his henoer?, Kz:i rid of them the other day. One night he U"""" a ecythe-blade very keen, acd split s pole 20 4 long, inserted the blade aud hoistcd flshpcd Qs never lit on this bat once. _One galion m\'l—toeivmm p;ck:d l:'lp pext morning, so a8 uot lost a hen since. o foD. 1900. Scoue bofora a crmltmfl‘mz; dertaker’s shop, where o disconsolate lover awaiting resalts. Lover (to undertaker)— fll is—is_she—incinerated yet? LI so, plesst b this visl with her ashes.” Untertaker— by do it, youog man. Ordors are strict to 86D a5 all home to her ma; 8o you can't have nsry The lover retires, overwbelmed mith emahqfl-m One Touch of Nature,” ote.—(Only it o, not answer this time.)—Mazistrate (to pn!":nyg socused of beating bis wifo)—** Have you & thing to eay in anawer to this charge?” Frisod- erfTalike to ask Your w.mnfi: it you'ro & married man yourualg" Mu:iup _trat;—‘ g, , 8ir, if you muost know.” Prisoner— P o't say mnother word” (He e :_1_ gnfiz. though, for all thas, poar u i Yes, I